Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Green Lantern #27

Whenever I see Venditti's name on the cover of a comic book, I think of Demon Knights and get sad.

You know what I could watch all day, over and over? That scene in the second episode of The Venture Brothers where Brock Samson says, "They hit me with a truck." And then he proceeds to run over as many of The Monarch's henchman as he can. If I owned a club or a bar, I'd have that scene on a loop playing over and over and over again on a huge television behind the bar surrounded by dozens of bottles of expensive alcohol. Also, Doctor Girlfriend is super sexy. Deep voice, protruding Adam's Apple, and all.

Back to Hal Jordan, he's currently watching over Saint Walker in the new Green Lantern Corps Hospital. Even though Hal Jordan is on a crusade to stop other Lanterns from using the Emotional Spectrum, I bet he gives Saint Walker a pass! Because Saint Walker is useful to Hal Jordan's ring-slinging.

Well, that thankfully takes care of that! Now Hal won't look like a gigantic hypocrite. Again!

Judd Winick should get royalties every time I append "again" to a sentence.

After Hal walks away from Saint Walker calling him a fucking quitter, he meets up with Kilowog to discuss capturing the Sinestro Corps. The only problem is they have no idea where the Yellow Lanterns are. I wouldn't worry too much about them since the Yellow Spectrum wasn't refilled because Parallax never made the party. Although Sinestro did show up in the latest Forever Evil, so I guess it won't be long before he and Hal are bickering. Kilowog also reminds Hal that they have all those other one shot stories they can work on when he mentions all of the prisoners that the Green Lantern Corps let go when Relic destroyed Oa. Chasing down a certain number of antagonists is always a good back-up plot to have on hand to fill the spaces when a writer can't be bothered to think about another cosmic crisis.

The Green Lantern Corps' first new prisoners since they moved their headquarters to Mogo arrive: PB Anj's henchmen, the Braidsmen. They try to escape because that's the first thing you do in a role playing game when the Gamemaster has unfairly gotten your party arrested and is transporting you from one location to another. This time it's not very successful and they're quickly stopped although the Green Lanterns have to kill a tiny part of the universe to do it by using their Emotional Spectrum.

Yeah, Mukmuk! "Let's see you on a bike!" -- My High School Friend, Trarry Lantham.

Nobody ever says, "Let's have at each other on completely equal and fair footing and see who bests the other!" It's always, "You only got the better of me because you had an advantage! Why don't you get rid of your advantage and give me an advantage, and then we'll see who's the strongest!" I don't know what would constitute a fair and equal fight against a humanoid and a giant fish creature though. Chess?

The entire escape was a distraction to allow a few of the Braidsmen to escape and meet up with a contact already placed within The Green Lantern Corps' civilian staff. Some of these people may or may not be Durlans. Mukmuk tries to get a headcount but he has trouble, so I'm guessing an evenly matched battle with the Braidsman should not involve math.

Anyway, the Braidsmen manage to get to Hal Jordan but not without raising the general alarm that they're loose. Their contact is a Durlan so after knocking out Hal Jordan, it takes his face. That's a pretty big surprise if you forgot to look at the cover this month.

Here's a gift, Tumblr! The Durlan mentioned gender! Now's your chance to point out why everything it just said is idiotic so you can prove how clever and enlightened you are!

Once the Durlan takes Hal Jordan's face, it decides to broadcast a message to every single citizen in the universe that has a subscription to the Green Lantern Satellite Sub-Etha Radio Channel. That message is that Hal Jordan and the Green Lanterns are a threat to the universe because their rings drain the Emotional Spectrum and once the Emotional Spectrum is gone, nobody will ever want to have sex again. Fake Hal Jordan goes on to say that the Green Lanterns don't give a shit and they will continue to use their rings. But they will arrest anybody else that tries to use the Emotional Spectrum. And since most everybody in the universe knows Hal Jordan's reputation for being a complete douchebag, they believe the message. A few panels show a few planets getting very angry although what the fuck do they care? I don't see any of the citizens running around wearing a ring. There must be a principle at play here that I'm conveniently not wanting to understand because I want to portray myself as a bit of a sociopath.

I guess the Green Lantern Corps keeps embassies on various planets around the universe because they all begin reporting in immediately that they're under attack by rioters. Then the Durlan runs back off in his Cook Disguise and the Braidsmen blow themselves up.

Even one of Hal's closest work associates (I wasn't completely comfortable saying "friend" even though they called each other friends earlier) believes the Durlan's horrible message was actually delivered by Hal!

Green Lantern #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. Fuck you, Hal Jordan! You're lucky I think you're a good character even though I hate you so much! The problem is that if Hal Jordan is really being written well, he's somebody I have no sympathy for at all. Like most of the characters in Mad Men! Now, Hal wasn't really annoying or douchebaggy in this issue which is why I had to begin my final "Review" paragraph cursing at him. I didn't get enough of that during the rest of my commentary! The most fascinating bit of this issue was the "Next Month" blurb where it says that Red Lanterns #28 will be incorporated into Green Lantern #28 AT NO ADDED COST! What are you doing, DC?! Giving away free shit?! Oh, I get it. This is an attempt to boost Red Lanterns numbers, isn't it? Well fuck! You should try boosting other titles this way! I'm all for a free comic book as often as possible!

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