New Guardians #26

I would doom all futures to save one present with my name on it. I hope it's cookies!

Kyle Rayner and Carol Ferris were visiting the most wonderful planet in the universe, a place called Exuras. Well, the place was wonderful until they stuck their noses into its business to find out how it ticks! Now it's quickly becoming one of the worst planets to live on because it's at war with all of its alternative selves which it has been stealing good moments from. Although it's been giving them bad moments in return, so Exuras is probably just going to trade this revolt to some other poor version of itself.

Kyle can't stop the invasion with words even though he tries his hardest before resorting to violence. That means he spent two sentences telling the invaders to go back where they came from. But they don't listen. So what else can he do but beat them soundly? His hands were practically tied!

What is that construct? Is he trying to drive them away using oral sex?

So Kyle can't talk the invaders out of fighting because Kyle sucks at orating. And Kyle can't physically remove the invaders from this timeline because Exuras won't allow any violence. But Evil Nias from Hell seems to have a trick up his sleeve which allows him to cause as much chaos and destruction as he wants. He can control the Exuras Happy Nanos so that the entire structure of the planet is at his control. He and his evil grandfather use the Happy Nanos to turn the Cracked Mirror of Alternate Timeline Viewing into a "Miniature Fourth-Dimensional Fold Mechanism." I think what that means is that all of the repercussions caused by the Exurasans across all of the timelines are now crashing down on Paradise to turn it into a Super Duper Hell. What that also means is that enough power has been diverted that Kyle Rayner can now get back to committing as many violent atrocities as his comic book artist mind can think up.

Judging by the state of comic books, that's a whole lot of atrocity!

I'd be pissed too if someone stole my happy endings. Why the fuck am I paying for this massage then?

All of this could have simply been avoided if the Exurasans hadn't allowed their disgruntled teenagers to stay in the damaged timelines! I'm sure that's how Evil Nias from Hell learned that his timeline had been altered. How else could he know except through an outside observer? Or magic! Or super science that seems like magic! Or divine intervention! I sometimes forget that I'm reading a comic book and so my range of options regarding how something came about are far greater than reality where the only options are God or Allah. No, that's not quite right. The only options are what name you give to the obviously same God of The Book that is making all of your decisions for you and creating the world as you go through miracles and making you a success if you're pious enough or a failure if you're sinful.

Ha ha! Just kidding! The only reason things are the way they are and that things unfold the way they unfold is Ganesha! Who is actually a Buddhist. I think it's okay to worship a god that is of a different religion than you are, right? You can just shake your head and go, "Oh, Ganesha! Remover of obstacles! Creator of everything! You're so silly in your belief of Buddha! Have you no self-confidence or self-esteem?" Or you just get online and type, "smh," because you're opinion is obviously so much better than Ganesha's that it's almost too ridiculous to even have to respond. But you have to respond to show everybody that your opinion is so much wiser and more advanced than everybody else's (including a god's!) that all you can manage is a shake of your head.

Usually I can figure out internet acronyms from context but "smh" was one of the few that I eventually had to look up way back whenever I finally got sick of reading it as "suck my hard-on" or "stuff Mister Horse" or "stab my head."

While Kyle and Carol battle against Evil Nias from Hell and his army, The Bohemian Guardians believe they've figured out how to save Exuras. They head to the Cracked Mirror of Viewing where Evil Nias from Hell's Grandfather is busy writing code in the air. Instead of beating him to a pulp, maybe they'll help him return all of the timelines to normal. That might leave Exuras in an awkward state of imperfection but at least it will que sera what it was supposed to sera.

Or the Bohemian Guardians will get Nias to have sex with his grandfather! That will create some kind of time paradox, right?

Also, and I say this as someone that doesn't give a fucking fuck about Style Handbooks and Chicago and all that shit, but I would have added an "s" after the apostrophe in "Nias'". Nobody would ever say, "It's not our fight. It's Nias'." Everyone in the universe would say "Nias's." And if you're hearing that extra "s", you should acknowledge it, no matter what the fascists in Chicago might say!

Kyle battles Evil Nias from Hell while also trying to engage him in a debate about why he shouldn't be so angry about his dead family and his dead friends and his dead world. Kyle's argument amounts to "It's no excuse." Right. He can be angry all he wants. But how dare he express that anger at the people that caused his world to be a flaming pit of putrescence and flame?

This story is beginning to feel a bit like an allegory about America! I think Justin Jordan must be a Communist Sympathizer! How dare he point out that America's successes and luxuries rely on the poverty and ruination of multiple other countries (and timelines!)?! America is successful because we work hard and have bootstraps! If your country (or timeline!) wanted to be successful, maybe you shouldn't have sent all of your cheaply made bootstraps to us! Keep some for yourselves, stupids! Just because we've gotten amazingly fat and extremely wealthy on the suffering of other people in this world is no excuse to attack us! Violence is just plain wrong! How dare you! You could have calmly and rationally explained to us how we're hurting the rest of the world by our excesses and how we should learn to sacrifice just a little bit so that everyone's "hell is lessened" (that's a quote from last issue!). I mean, I suppose you may have been shouting at us for decades while we shopped and ignored you and drowned you out with our chanting of "USA! USA! USA!" But crashing planes into our buildings? No excuse for that, you assholes. You thought you knew suffering before when we were just pretending you weren't there? Well now we've noticed you! And we have bombs! That should shut you all up so we can get back to our video games. Jerks.

As America's (or Canada's (but really, what's the difference? They're just piggy-backing on our greed and success and threatening demeanor) greatest Russian writer Ayn Rand would say, "The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me." That's the most Ayn Rand I've ever read and it was on a t-shirt from Forever 21. What a classy store.

Well, duh, Good Nias! That's the entire fucking playbook! We are righteous and moral; they are heathens, monsters, and the most profligate sinners the world has ever (or will ever!) know!

Good Nias's Evil Nias's Evil Grandfather explains that he didn't want war and death and disaster. He just wanted his shit back! But come on, you naive bastard! What did you expect? Why would somebody steal your shit and then graciously give it back? You already know that they're ignorant dickheads because they callously stole from you in the first place. You knew you wouldn't get your time back by asking politely over a nice cup of space tea. So forget about what you wanted and just get to fixing things already before all the Exurasans across all times and spaces are killed!

The Guardians and Good Nias and Evil Nias's Evil Grandfather close the portal after Star Sapphire shoves the invaders back through it. Kyle stops Evil Nias and then lectures Good Nias about how evil he's been. And he gives the Exurasans an ultimatum: "Make this right. Or I will." Jesus. It always comes down to threats and violence, doesn't it, Kyle?!

Kyle does make a good point at the end though. The Exurasans had the technology to keep their planet a perpetual paradise. They also had the technology to visit other timelines and leave people behind. But, Kyle points out, they never thought about giving the Happy Nanos to the other timelines to help make their worlds better? Kind of a dick move. "Hey, we've got these things that make everybody happy! And we owe it all to you guys in your shitty timelines. Here, have a few disgruntled teenagers as payment!" Jerks.

Who knew Carol and I had so much in common!

New Guardians #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. I still don't really have any kind of emotional attachment to Kyle Rayner but I'm enjoying this comic book anyway. I think having Carol as an additional character in this book works really well. I like seeing her as a teammate and a confidant as opposed to a love interest that's always getting dumped on by Hal. I think she can really shine in this book as long as Justin Jordan refrains from turning Kyle and Carol's relationship into a romantic one. Can male and female co-workers never be just, you know, co-workers? The fact that I even have to ask that question and worry about the story taking that turn is telling. Why do writers feel that if a character is female, romance has to be included somewhere? I suppose because the female characters have long been used simply as the foil for the main, male character. So their sole role was that of romantic interest to the male. I think one of the reasons I enjoy Worlds' Finest so much (besides the friendship between The Huntress and Power Girl which is good stuff) is that they're two female leads that have their own agendas and lives. And Karen is a lot like Bruce Wayne in that she's a powerful business leader that loves sex but isn't interested in pursuing a relationship. Sure, she dated Mister Terrific for a bit but she was only using him to get her hands on his cock and his technology. So in closing my commentary on Green Lantern: New Guardians, I highly recommend Worlds' Finest!