Friday, January 10, 2014

Teen Titans #26

I think I've bashed Scott Lobdell as much as any single person can. I'm out of ways to hate his writing. Can we get a writer change on this series already?

Last issue, the Trial of Kid Flash still had yet to happen. I think it might have begun to happen. Possibly. I'm not sure. Trials in the future probably don't resemble trials today because they've probably improved them so that they actually bring about justice as opposed to just being a circus where money rules the day and you're judged by equally moronic members of your community who have been processed by an educational system that puts a premium on teaching kids to obey authority over teaching kids how to think logically. So even though everybody constantly shouts "innocent until proven guilty," you realize what you really get is a bunch of chowder-headed jury members that are thinking, "Why would the police have arrested this person if they are innocent?"

So hopefully future courtrooms have actual fair trials as opposed to our current system of "fair" trials where fair is based on how much money you have to spend on an attorney that doesn't give a shit about actual justice and instead acts like a Munchkin at a roleplaying table manipulating the rules to get whatever he wants.

This issue begins with Kid Flash's memories of how his descent into criminality began. His parents were missionaries that believed in the truth but the stupid authority figures that have no time for God and only love lies decided to kill the stupid believers because of their belief in believing. Kid Flash watched his father get his head bashed in because he couldn't not believe.

The real problem is that those beliefs are often worth killing for.

I bet Scott Lobdell took great pride in his alternate wording of The Lord's Prayer. But I'm just confused as to why Kid Flash came not just from the future but from some other planet in some other solar system and possibly in some other galaxy. But I guess Jesus made sure to visit the believers of that world as well. Fuck you, Earth! You aren't that special! Jesus loves aliens too! As long as they, you know, accept him as their Lord and Savior.

The Purifiers kill Kid Flash's mom as well but that's not the worst part. The worst part was how disrespectful they were of their religion. How dare they!

I don't think Scott Lobdell has the best handle on allegorical writing.

Kid Flash escapes from the vile non-believers with his kid sister, Shira. I thought Shira was his love interest earlier! I suppose she could still be. Just when they're older. It would be weird if they began dating now with him being eight and she being less than one. That age difference would just make things awkward.

The Teen Titans are watching this replay of Kid Flash's history via 30th Century Mind Spying Technology by Microsoft. I bet Kid Flash and his sister will think up a symbol to wear, something like, say, a shark or a whale which will identify them to other believers but won't reveal their belief to the Functionary's Purifiers! And eventually enough believers will believe so much belief that they'll help bring down The Functionary's civilization! Also, the Functionary's need for straight roads and for branching out across the entire universe and pissing off lots of foreign people who are able to follow those straight roads back to the seat of power probably help the believers and their rebellion a little bit.

Kid Flash became a murderer to protect his sister but even worse, he became an Absconder!

"Gotta stay! One step! Ahead of the atheist! One jump! Ahead of the lies! I steal only what God won't provide. That's everything!"

Eventually Kid Flash realizes he can't take care of his sister like this so he gives her to a nunnery, The Sisterhood of the Word. I bet that word is cunt! No, wait! It's probably a Holy Text! Yeah, that makes more sense.

The Teen Titans watching this memory on the Brainscreen by Microsoft are finally driven to gasp in horror at the thought of Kid Flash knowingly giving his sister a better life. But he loved her so much and she loved him and he still gave her away! Can you ever imagine not giving in to your own selfish needs for the betterment of somebody else? It's absolutely horrifying! The worst memory yet!

No, no. That's called idolatry! You don't believe in faith! You believe in God! You have faith in God! Stop putting faith before God, dodo-head!

See why people love willfully misunderstanding stuff? Then you get to argue against them knowing full well what they actually meant! But you can make them seem like idiots while you're really just making an idiot of yourself. Although it's far too satisfying to put somebody in their place over something they never meant than to care about how fucking dumb you're going to look afterward. Seriously! It must be or else why else do people continue to comment all over the internet?

Kid Flash began hitchhiking all across the galaxy until he finally realized what he needed to do! He was "to young [sic]" to get revenge on the monsters that killed his parents. So he decided to infiltrate their organization by enlisting with them! He'll bring down the entire organization from within! Maybe he can even get close enough to The Functionary and teach him the glory of Jesus and what he did for everybody! What did he do for everybody? I thought his entire plan was to expose the hypocrisy of the Pharisees so that the people would boot them from power and get Rome off their backs so that Israel could be free to rule itself. No? That wasn't his actual plan? It actually had something to do with living forever as a ghost? Weird. I'd better reread my Bible!

Kid Flash became the Han Solo of the Purifiers, smuggling cargo across the universe while absorbing massive amounts of interstellar radiation due to the limited shielding on the cargo ships. Eventually he crashed but that was when he discovered his super speed powers. And that's Kid Flash's secret origin! Everybody can go back to the past and continue with what they were doing. Right?

Oh wait! I forgot about his trial. I guess he still needs to remember the horrible things he did to make The Functionary send him back in time. Kid Flash builds an army of believers and they use a lightning bolt as their symbol because it's easy to draw. Then they began attacking the government with belief! But then belief turned to tragedy!

Wait. Was the Word that the Sisterhood of the Word followed actually the Word of base, material beliefs? The Word of the Functionary? I don't think so because Kid Flash heard the "testimony" of his neighbors back when his parents were killed when speech bubbles were saying "sharing the word" and "the word forevermore." But then some speech bubbles also said "pure" and "renounce" which make me think the Purifiers were yelling them! I'm confused!

So The Word is either what the believers believe or what the Functionary says people must believe. One of those! Maybe that's why the Teen Titans were so shocked when Kid Flash gave his sister to the Sisterhood of the Word? Because that was the enemy? But how would they fucking know since they knew as much as I did and it was all very confusing! Maybe I shouldn't care so much! It's only the stupid Teen Titans written poorly by poo-poo face Scott Lobdell.

Look! Now he's got me resorting to infantile insults! Jerko!

It turns out Kid Flash only "almost killed" Shira. But it was enough for him to give up the rebellion because better that he not accidentally nearly kill his sister a second time than free hundreds of thousands of people from a despot! No wonder the Rebellion decided he was a traitor!

After hearing Kid Flash's testimony, the other Teen Titans realize he's a pathetic worm and a huge dick for betraying a freedom movement for one insignificant person. Sure, he gave up everything to keep her safe so why wouldn't he give up everything again to keep her safe again! Oh, because maybe with his super special speed powers, he could have brought her over to the rebellion? Maybe? No? Too complicated? Anyway, the Teen Titans look like they're about to turn on him because that's what friends do in Scott Lobdell comic books. They turn on each other at the end of every issue to force some kind of dramatic tension that will be forgotten when the next issue begins next month.

Look! Even Joke-el is concerned with this turn of events!

Teen Titans #26 Rating: Like anybody needs this rating synopsis to find out what I fucking think about Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans? Look, it's the worst comic book ever even if this issue wasn't as bad as Lobdell's usual shit mainly because was concentrating on a completely new history concerning just one Titan. So, you know, he had less subject matter to completely fuck up. I think I mentioned about a year ago that I stopped trying to be unbiased when it came to Scott Lobdell's crap. He needs to write a number of good issues in a row before the taint of his garbage pen is removed from my brain.

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