Batwoman #26

This gives me a good idea for a performance art piece! Go to a museum with a box of big, hairy spiders and just begin throwing them into people's hair. It's a commentary on how hard it is to appreciate art when there is a spider crawling on you. It will really make people think and nod their heads profoundly after they're done screaming and I explain the nature of the piece to them in a fifteen page manifesto. Which actually makes me think maybe all I need is the manifesto and I can drop the spider throwing bit? No, no. How are stupid, boring words going to get media attention?! Gotta go with the spiders! I mean, the art!

Any visual art that needs a letter of intent or a manifesto or a long-winded explication of the piece by the artist is not visual art. It's an artistic idea or maybe, with a little actual work, an essay or a nice piece of writing. But a lot of upcoming artists want to be seen as Artists with a capital "A" and profound and creative without putting in actual hard, difficult, passionate work. Which is why they strap a tampon to a cat and hang it from a crucifix. Because it's a striking image with familiar yet disparate objects placed in a way you'd never expect them to be placed. So it must mean something crazy smart, right? But just because a few people can jerk their art minds off all over the faces of other people rabid to join in on the conversation, it doesn't make it art. Many definitions of art exist so, yes, technically that poor fucking crucified cat is art. But my definition of art is deeply concerned with intent. The intent should be a passionate intensity, a fire out of control, an obsession that cannot be sated. If the main intent is ego, if it's for you, the artist, to be acknowledged as a tremendous talent, as the brightest mind on the block, as an up and coming superstar, I'd really question whether art is being created. If the art is the means to an end, it's a bastardization, a Frankenstein's Monster, a piece of shit covered in gold. I'm not saying the two aren't incompatible. Artists invariably want people to appreciate what they do. But it really depends on who's in the saddle. Is it the art or the artist? I'd say the artist needs to be the horse, mute about their work, letting the work stand alone. But that's probably really difficult in current times with instant fame and a massive audience waiting on the internet to possibly viralize your every thought. In most cases, neither the art nor the artist is in the saddle. It's the audience.

Although when I think about it a bit, I suppose just writing "strap a tampon to a cat and hang it from a crucifix" is a fuck-ton easier than actually creating that piece! I'd say whoever put that together was an artist willing to suffer for their work because that cat is not going up there without a fucking fight. Although if they succumbed to the lure of explaining the piece, I'd change my position and take away their artist credit! Yes, I'm a fickle, judgmental bitch. Also a hater. And I'm an Artist with a capital "A"! But I'm mostly a performance artist and most of my performances take place alone and most of them involve masturbation. But my art is full of passion! So there! In your face, you stupid critics who completely panned my gallery appearance last year! Luckily my piece only lasted the briefest of moments so just a few critics experienced it. But they were very mean and critical of my performance. And they might have been prostitutes.

Last time we saw Batwoman and it wasn't five years ago, she was about to kick Batman's ass. But I guess that was all a fucking dream or something. Anyway, this issue begins in 1929 so it doesn't really matter anyway, does it? Back in 1929, some brave, strong young man hangs himself amidst a bunch of paintings. The next day a boy on the street waved a newspaper around yelling, "Extree! Extree! Read all about it! Reversal of Fortune! Art Hangs Artist! The Mystery of the Century! Extree! Extree!"

Back in the future, Wolf Spider (no relation to Bane's Wolf Spider, I'm guessing, because Bane's Wolf Spider is dead. I think) is stealing really shitty art.

See?! The artist couldn't even be bothered to draw in the faces! Rookie mistake!

Later at some social event (perhaps Kate and Maggie's engagement party?), Kate Kane shows her ignorance as her friend Evan Blake discusses a depression era painting by Eisenstadt about how the Waynes were destroying the city. It's truly embarrassing for her and I'm not sure I can continue to like her after she reveals she's never seen Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Shame on her. There are some movie classics that transcend time and special effects and it's every citizen's duty to seek them out and learn from them. In thirty years, people will probably be referencing The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift as a classic of a bygone age and you won't want to be the only one in the room not able to discuss its homoerotic themes, imperialistic undertones, and how it portrays mankind's everlasting struggle between the belief in the power of oneself and the belief that there is an omnipotent being directing everything one does.

Kate and Evan have been friends since high school where they bearded each other. Evan is concerned that he might be a target for the art thief that killed a collector the previous night. Because the artist stole an Eisenstadt and Evan owns one! I can tell that they're by the same artist because the artist forgot the faces in both paintings! Eventually Bette makes an appearance and Evan heads off to impress his guests with his knowledge of Gremlins II: The New Batch.

Oh Bette. Stop being so adorable.

I said stop!

Bette talks Batwoman into hitting the streets of Gotham where a good ass-kicking is guaranteed any night of the week. Bette also drops a clue about Batwoman's fight with Batman and their Alice rescue mission and their chess game against Director Bones and Cameron Chase and the rest of the DEO. You know, the story that never got an ending? Well apparently the finale will be told in an Annual in April! Perfect! I mean, the perfect amount of time for me to forget everything that was happening so that I won't fucking care anymore.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'll care! Batman versus Batwoman!

It's a good thing they go out too because Evan Blake's apartment is being robbed by Wolf Spider even as I type this! Good thing he purchased a Waynetech Home Security Silent Alarm! I guess Evan wasn't rich enough to purchase the Waynetech Double Plus Good Super Duper High Tech Home Security Silent Bat-Alarm because the Security Call Center is calling the Gotham Police instead of The Goddamned Batman. Evan does get lucky though and Batwoman intercepts the alert. I bet he'll wind up having to pay extra for that.

I tried warning you, Bette. If you'd had something other than huge jets of fire at your offensive disposal, you might have been able to do something without worrying about burning your friend's home down.

Batwoman, stealing a page from Batman's play book, breaks Wolf Spider's jaw. But then he pretends to give up and Batwoman does something Batman never does: relents! Instead of beating him to a nice, pasty, pulpy, barely-breathing mess, she hesitates when he gives himself up and winds up with a face full of poison barbs. But that's just the beginning! Because after that, Wolf Spider kicks her off the balcony on the 32nd floor. Whoops! I bet if she hadn't burnt her bridges with Batman, he might appear to save her. I guess she'll just have to save herself. She probably has one of those Bat-Grapples built into her suit. Plus she has a sidekick! Isn't sacrificing their lives so that the hero can live a sidekick's number one job? Come on, Bette! Get on with it already! Throw your life away so that Batwoman can live!

Batwoman #26 Rating: No change. I'm a bit disappointed that DC fucked with the finish to the Batwoman versus Batman story arc. But the art goes a long way to making me forget that a two year story line was one month away from being completed when DC abandoned it. Plus the character moments were well done this issue. I feel this had the right amount of Batwoman battling and Kate Kane enjoying some down time. Now if only all of the comic books could figure out that balance, I'd be about 7% happier with the books I'm reading.