Justice League 3000 #2

Go go Locus dance power!

Fuck you all! Locus is my new favoritist favorite of all time favorite! None of you assholes like her more than I do so go suck your dad's cock! Again! Ha ha! Good one, me and Judd Winick! Man, I wish Judd Winick read my blog. I bet he and I would be the best of friends. Except for the fact that I'm overly facetious and usually everything less than serious and he seems a bit sentimental and emotionally stolid. I'm going to start coining terms like "emotionally stolid" which cancel themselves out and become non-descriptors! You can't use those without paying me royalties, you thieving leeches. Go come up with your own ideas on your own boring blogs!

Anyway, getting back to me and my inexpressible love of Locus, I just wanted everybody to know that I loved her the most first and every other person out there that eventually likes her is jumping on my bandwagon and you'd better fucking get the hell off of it right now! Geez! It feels so good to be so overly enthusiastic about something that you can only make other people feel bad about the thing you love! It's exhilarating! No wonder people do this shit all the time!

Boy (or Girl although that sounds weird. Watch. I'll start over). Girl, I hope Locus is an awesome character now. See? "Girl" completely changes the attitude of the speaker (which is me!) from a person telling another person something as opposed to "Boy" which expresses something different that I would explain but it's way over your head and you wouldn't understand it at all.

What's wrong with me? Every time I see somebody wearing a normal Superman shirt, I immediately think the "S" is backwards and they're wearing a Bizarro shirt. Is it wishful thinking or do I have a learning disability? "I'm sorry, Tess. You've got Super-Dyslexia. The good news is it only affects Superman's logo. The bad news is you're going to look like a right asshole every time you scream 'Bizarro!' at people wearing Superman shirts."

The title of this issue is "Things Fall Apart" so yet another instance where somebody is pulling lines out of my favoritest favorite of all time favorite poem that I'm sick of everybody quoting already. Just knock it off! You don't get it the way I get it! Especially if the first time you heard it was watching that awful fucking show Heroes (some of it was not awful but most of it was based on lazy story telling so suck it, Heroes!).

This is my favoritest favorite of all time favorite little alien guy that you probably didn't notice while reading this comic book because you're in no way even as close to as observant as I am! Although you might be able to form better sentences than me. At least my Uncle Jerry can't form better sentences than me because he would have corrected me after that last sentence and said, "than I." The big dope!

Currently, The Justice League 3000 Gang are busy trying to invade Flatmas 12 for some reason. They probably need to defeat one of the Five. The Five are like Legion of Doom 3000 but with less members and better technology. One of them is probably named Lucas! I mean Locus!

Terry and Teri, the Wonder Twins, are trying to micro-manage The JL3K Gang since the JL3K Gang really don't know what they're exactly capable of. At this point, their bodies and minds are translations of translations of translations and there have been some fairly glaring errors in some of the iterations so that they don't exactly remember what they are capable and incapable of doing.

Does the Imperium actually need to be taken down? Maybe you should take a closer look at yourselves and ask, "What is it about *me* that I don't fit in?"

As The Wonder Twins discuss the current JL3K Gang mission, Terry (unless it's Teri) mentions "The Persuader." So the Five that the JL3K Gang are going up against are merely The Fatal Five? Did the JL3K Gang simply replace The Legion of Super-Heroes in this future? A future where Cadmus has continued to somehow persist for countless generations? Countless being a figurative usage of the term since I'm sure somebody with a really good calculator could come up with a number. I hope Brother Eye and OMAC have been left in the past. Although I'm sure Maxwell Lord still exists as a talking head or something. He probably runs this entire operation.

Intelligence reports indicate that the fabulous Locus has been seen on Flatmas 12 and this freaks the fuck out of the Wonder Twins. Apparently Locus can control reality which means she can turn forks into spoons or force cats to live with dogs. She can also turn shriveled old cynical hearts into fully blossoming emotional love muscles. *swoon*

Superman 3000 is a stupid prick.

And then finally, at a bar on Flatmas 12, we get our first look at Locus. And she's more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. She's bitter and angry and resentful and full of venomous words that I can't get enough of! Make me swell with your aural venom, Locus! Take me in your mouth and rend me in half with your vicious, biting words! Lift me up into the cynicism of your desperation! Hug me with your romantic despair! Fill up every one of my orifices with your embittered oratory until I'm black and blue from the anti-coagulants of your spiteful anger! This is one unstolid dream kitten and I've got the biggest love boner in the world.

You can't get in sexual harassment trouble from love boners! They are romantic instead of inappropriate!

If only I'd met this vision in real life at the ice rink I spent so much time in in my youth! Couples Skate? Yes please! *swoon*

Locus is not one of the Five but just the bestest underling any evil organization could ever have! But besides Persuader, Coeval is another one of the Five. Coeval is a "spontaneously generated Glimmernet life-form." I'm sure there's a genius reason why it's called "Coeval" but I can't come up with it. I think it was created when the Universe began or something. Except Glimmernet didn't exist then so maybe something else. Fuck, don't look at me! Come up with your own theories and then tell them to me and then I'll say "Yeah, that's what I was thinking as well" and take the wind out of your sails by showing you that your idea was so beneath me that I'd considered it and discarded it in practically the same instant. I suppose I could also say "meh" and just shit right in your mouth. Anybody on the internet that has ever answered you with "meh" basically pooped in your open mouth. And you probably liked it!

Before the JL3K Gang can get a lay of the land and begin their mission, Locus welcomes them to Flatmas 12.

Get away from her, "Green" Lantern! I don't really know why I put "Green" in quotes but I'm sure it was an incredibly insulting commentary on how clumsy he is with his penis.

Superman quickly gets his ass beat by Locus and then Wonder Woman queues up for her turn. Also Locus begins calling Green Lantern her boyfriend but he's not buying into it. What an idiot. Also, how good can her reality controlling powers be if she can't just make Green Lantern desire her?

Ick. That ability is a bit of a turn off. I think I still love Locus but I'm going to have to be sick while I gaze dreamily at her over the vomit bucket.

So The Flash 3000 has just been broken down to his messy, base constituents. Hopefully one of the powers he has that he didn't know about is reforming himself from a pile of goo.

Locus shrinks Green Lantern 3000 down and swallows him while saying something sexy about being safe and sound inside her. And then she teleports the last living members of the JL3K Gang to a place called Takron-Galtos where Coeval will be waiting to fuck with them.

Justice League 3000 Rating: +2 Ranking. Sure, sure. Locus's character has some sexist and superficial aspects written into it. But I just can't bring myself to be too concerned when she looks at me with those reality distorting eyes and that "I can turn you into dog shit" grin. She's the kind of woman I long to be subjugated by! Until I actually meet her and realize I can't stand her fucking bullshit and she was much better as simply a fantasy which probably speaks to the dangers of projecting your fantasies and fetishes on other individuals. But you can't consider that kind of intellectual mumbo jumbo if you want to live life! You just have to throw yourself into the ring, flawed thinking and dysfunctional habits and all! Go get 'em, you sexist, racist, misanthropic miserable fucking bastards! Grab life by the balls and make a complete fucking cunt of yourself! You can apologize and feel shame later. You know, if you're not a complete sociopath.