Superman Unchained #3

Jim Lee's art does absolutely nothing for me.

Isn't three issues about Jim Lee's limit before he begins missing deadlines and they replace him with a better artist for most issues? And then he returns every third or fourth issue to scribble out an issue of sketchy bullshit before an inker comes in and tries to pretty it up for everybody to jerk off over while dreaming of Jim Lee's beautiful, starry eyes? Although I must say he draws a nice cock.

Last issue ended with Superman and Fat Man about to take the shit and make it real. But this issue begins in 1938 in Utah. I don't know. That just doesn't sound like it's going to be very exciting.

The first issue was called "The Leap." The second issue was called "The Fall." And now this issue is called "Answered Prayers." Did somebody lose track of their theme? I suppose they're all still somehow religious in some aspect or another. Superman is seen by some as a God that can save or destroy them. But Superman is too much of a goody goody to see himself as a God. But the World War II superman I've been calling Fat Man that came to Earth in 1938? This may be the version of Superman that the world needs to fear because he was an "answered prayer" and thus seen as God's weapon given to America. Superman is going to have to battle the version of Superman that Batman and Lex Luthor are afraid of. And in so doing, he'll have to take a hearty look inside himself and the limits to which he'll go to save the world using his powers over mankind.

Or it'll be completely different and I have no idea what I'm talking about. Sometimes that happens. And other times, I just draw cocks on things.

Oh come on! At least let the readers have this jerk's name! Stop fucking around, Snyder! This is some Lobdell shit right here! Unless his name is revealed after I turn the page. Then I might be willing to apologize.

Fat Man follows orders and doesn't tell Superman his big secret nor does he take a moment to put some pants on. Instead he stands there with his dick hanging out while General Lane directs this gigantic porno.

And then Fat Man shows Superman how he earned his code name!

General Lane even has a couple of huge military stage lights for the porno's set.

As they say, it's all about power.

Look at that panel up there. That's why I can't stand Jim Lee's art. I can draw a man's face and scribble all over it too! I can understand this art capturing the zeitgeist of the early nineties and exploding the color-in-the-lines business that mainstream comic book editors and publishers had been carefully maintaining for many years. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. I didn't like it then, so I never bought a single Image book. And I don't like it now. In fact, it amazes me that people still rave over Jim Lee's art. In a lot of ways, it works and I'm absolutely fine with it. I just can't get over how some people worship it. Of course, I never understood why people worshiped Nirvana either, so I guess I just don't have the part of the brain that hooks up the zip line to the current zeitgeist and gets to sliding with everybody else.

Let me just reiterate for the thickheaded: I don't think Jim Lee's art is horrible. It's definitely improved over the years. And most of his art is in the "pretty good" category. It's just that his style is in my "enough already" aesthetic waste paper basket.

Superman decides he isn't going to kneel and he isn't going to stick anything in his motherfucking mouth. He begins destroying Lane's ridiculous black hole guns until Fat Man stops him cold.

No wonder this book is called Superman Unchained!

Superman refuses to submit because how dare anybody ever ask Superman to to show vulnerability. Sure, General Lane is going about it all wrong! Who wouldn't rebel against the American Military telling you you have to follow their orders. If Superman wanted to follow your orders, he would have enlisted, asshole. Just because you're the American military, it doesn't mean you have the right to force people to obey whatever you fucking want. Nobody owes their freedom to you and stop acting like they do! A lot of the population born within the borders of the United States of America didn't agree to go along with America's imperialistic bullshit and to also pretend that you're somehow securing our freedoms while actually working in the best interests of corporations and government officials tied by the pocket book to those corporations. America owes its freedom to the people who don't buy into that bullshit. It owes its freedom to the people who will burn the American Flag when they see injustice. It owes its freedom to those who question, not to those who blindly follow orders. America owes its freedom to people smart enough not to buy into patriotic propaganda and are willing to be seen as anti-American when they know they're standing for what is right. So stop trying to paint liberals and pacifists as anti-American, you fucking war mongering pieces of shit!

I think I began that paragraph trying to say, "Why doesn't Superman just calm down and talk it out?" But I already knew the answer before I could even think up the question. The whole scene has been played as General Lane's power hungry rape fantasy to get Superman to submit. Why wouldn't Superman struggle for his life?

Eventually, Fat Man simply drop kicks Superman across Utah. Fat Man follows Superman and once out of General Lane's earshot, he convinces Superman to calm down so they can talk. And then he invites Superman back to his pad. Well well well. I guess Superman was just being shy in front of the cameras.

Meanwhile on Lois Lane's crashing private jet, Lois takes the controls because she's the best of the people on board at crash landing planes.

Speaking of crash landing planes, I'll tell you a secret. It's not going to be as good a secret as that introduction made it sound. But it says a lot about me, if you take the time to truly understand and, possibly, if you're familiar with the books. I'm not a person that usually has a favorite book or a favorite movie or whatnot. I just love what I love and talk about those things when they come up. But my Father-in-Common-Law's new wife, while trying to get to know me, asked my what my five favorite books were. I told her the list changes depending on mood and memory but at the time, I said, "Catch 22. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The Grapes of Wrath. Pale Fire. And House of Leaves." Having never really given it much thought, it wasn't later until I realized how much these books had in common. The first three in my list especially. They were about characters fucked in the ass by a society they never agreed to take part in. And in the end, they don't change that society like you'd expect of some grand hero. Someone with a great ideal and charisma and power who fights the gargantuan beast of oppression and wins the day. No. Instead, they're all about heroes who escape. Orr teaches Yossarian the only way to win is to escape the system. McMurphy teaches Chief how to escape the system while losing his own battle against it. And Tom Joad disappears into the night, ready to help those who need help and battle in the darkness and trenches of a system that has beaten and broken him down. Pale Fire and House of Leaves have some similar themes with Kinbote and Truant escaping their realities. But what was interesting was how these were my favorite books and I'd really never put together the common theme. But it absolutely made sense once I realized it. And it is this theme of the individual finding a way to escape and survive that truly speaks to me.

Alice in Wonderland is one of my favorites as well! I also enjoy some nice surrealism with a nice heaping helping of Dada on the side. But I think I've spoken at length on how much finding "grand meaning" means to me already. So I'll just get back to Superman.

Lois Lane crash lands her plane like a champion and the narrative returns to 1938 when American Military Scientists spoke to space and got an answer.

Is this guy from a place like Krypton? Is he a Daxamite? Do they need to keep him away from lead?

Superman gets the tour of Fat Man's home although General Lane and his men insist on escorting them. Supes finds out Fat Man's name is "Wraith" which stands for "William Rudolph's Ace In The Hole." Sounds sexylicious! "Hey Will! I'm feeling kind of horny? Can I borrow your ace in the hole?"

I'm not going to harp on it but I've got to mention two places with errors in the text. Just saying! So the editors can step up their game. People are noticing, DC! You want to put out the best product you possibly can, right? So stop making stupid errors and show more cock!

Superman learns that Wraith has been the U.S.'s secret weapon for close to eighty years. Wraith is the Superman that Superman suggested he could be before Batman shot him down. Superman helps out but doesn't steer mankind's future. Wraith and The Machine (the military group run by General Lane) mold the world to America's best interests. They interfere, manipulate, and dominate. They also believe that they're doing heroic work. Superman, having listened to Batman for years, might think a bit differently.

General Lane is the anti-Bruce Wayne.

This speech is really nice. Especially Superman's attitude as he just listens and lets the General rant. Superman has already considered all of this stuff. He doesn't need some military jackass telling him his philosophical decision to not become the world's biggest fascist dictator was a bad decision. I especially love how Lane believes Superman does it for the recognition and the love and the applause. I would say, any day of the week, if a General in the United States Army called me a disappointment, I'd take it as one of the best compliments in the world. Fuck you and your imperialism and your need to keep America's interests safe above all else. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, buddy. Eat S-H-I-T. And fuck the fuck off.

Some lackey rushes in with a report of an attack on Japan and Superman rushes off half-cocked with his new best buddy, fully-cocked Wraith. Goddammit, Superman! Don't get sucked in by the military and their charming, big-cocked naked alien!

Meanwhile Lex Luthor has escaped prison. And Lois Lane and her fellow pilots (the ones that don't crash as well as she does) are saved by the mysterious Tuna Man with the Blue Kryptonite.

And back to Tokyo, Wraith explains to Superman how much he's looked forward to fighting by his side. And also some other future plans he's been planning.

This is the type of scene I like best when it comes to Jim Lee. And Superman's face isn't full of cross-hatched fuckery.

The Epilogue is simply Lex Luthor's first stop after escaping prison: Jimmy Olsen's place! Yay!

Superman Unchained #3 Rating: +3 Ranking. I thought I wasn't going to really get into this issue when it began with a bunch of wasted pages of rocks falling down and Superman in General Lane's BDSM fantasy. But it all came together and I really thought Lane's lecture was well done. I didn't agree with any of it (except maybe Superman saving kittens. I'd read that comic book) but it was really well stated!