Vibe #7

"When you're running down the hall and your balls hit the wall, it's called Rupture! When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst, it's a Rupture!" Wait a second. Who slides into first? What was wrong with that kid?

Rereading the entry to Vibe #6, I noticed that Spell Check didn't like "anilingus" so I clicked on it to see its spelling recommendation. Spell Check recommended "cunnilingus." Oh, Spell Check. You're so vanilla.

Hmm. If cunnilingus is vanilla and anilingus is chocolate, would that make cunnilingus during menses strawberry?

This might not have been the best way to begin my Vibe commentary!

Last issue, Vibe discovered that a villain named Rupture was responsible for driving Gypsy and her family from her homeworld. He also discovered that Rupture was his brother Armando who disappeared in a Boom Tube five years ago. He was the first victim of Darkseid's invasion. Now he's the strong right arm of some horrible dictator that has conquered Gypsy's home.

This is the first panel on the second and third pages (spanning them both) and I love it. Although it's effect is much better in real size.

I love ARGUS agents trying to contain the gigantic robot thing in the background amidst the explosions and chaos while Rupture stares at his brother, confused and unsure. Gypsy behind Vibe ready to bolt. And Vibe ready to defend Gypsy and hug the fuck out of his brother, whichever seems most appropriate in a minute or so.

Rupture's need to catch Gypsy for his master, Mordeth, overpowers his love for his brother because hugging doesn't sell comic books, Goddammit! Unless you're one of those Independent Writers! And then isolation and ostracization and not fitting in sell better than hugs in those stories anyway! Excuse me while I go reread Ghost World and Box Office Poison and Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth, and all those other comic books that seemingly never wind up portraying physical violence for some reason. I guess they don't like selling comic books!

I'm going to start a new web comic where Vibe uses his powers to open a portal where he winds up in the Tomb Raider video game. It will be a romantic comic and I'm going to call it "Vibe Raider." It'll mostly be long, protracted sex scenes of Vibe using his powers to please Lara Croft.

The fight between Vibe and his brother lasts exactly one panel. Although that one panel is two pages! So that's exciting! I think. I just don't feel as overwhelmed as I think I'm supposed to feel.

It's Phantasm from Team Titans! I know I already pointed him out last issue. Fuck you. I'm excited!

Didn't Phantasm turn out to be an already established DC Character using his or her powers to simply float a mask and rags around? I'm fairly certain it was something like that. I want to say it was Jericho but he didn't have those kinds of powers. I wish my memory worked better!

Vibe gets his head straight after being thrown across The Circus only to realize Gypsy and Dante are gone. He also notices that his vibe energies and Rupture's rupture energies have begun to commingle to create a portal to another world. That other world apparently has dragons in it. Because one comes through the portal. Fucking dragons. They're more curious than ferrets. Although ferrets just seem to want to answer the mysteries of the universe in their explorations while dragons are simply looking for more treasure they don't need. I suppose a dragon's treasure hoard is like a bowerbird's nest. It's all about attracting a mate rather than any kind of dragon economic system based on how much of other people's money a dragon can own.

Meanwhile Agent Gunn is busy creating super villains.

Just like I said! Injection with nano-particles. Just a matter of time before they turn him into Purgatorio! I mean, Inferno!

As Agent Gunn tries to get Dante to safety, he's suddenly attacked by a twenty foot tall Parademon. Is this Omni, Darkseid's daughter? I don't know why I thought Darkseid's daughter was going to be a smoking hot babe in a thong and pasties. I am disappoint.

On the next page, Agent Gunn shoots the parademon in the face and kills it. So there's still hope! Being a Master Comic Book Reader and all that, I probably should have realized that Darkseid's Daughter isn't going to be revealed in the middle of an issue. She'll have the presence of mind to only make her appearance in a last page splash.

Gunn loads up Dante into the Dog Soldier Suit and programs it to take him to the nearest hospital. Even though The Circus is in full lockdown and nobody can leave. Gunn points out that Dante is a nobody so he can leave. That's the dumbest bit of semantic nonsense to get Dante out of the comic book that I've ever seen! I don't know what Sterling Gates diet consists of to give him that kind of nerve! Now I need to discover his secret dietary powers so I can become a great writer of bullshit plot contrivances!

Not that I really care! Dante needs to get sent out of this current issue. I really can't follow the plot with three brothers interacting! Two at a time is about all I can handle. Plus with all of these side characters running around like Gunn and Gypsy! Hmm. That's kind of sad that my limit of characters I can follow in a comic book without losing my mind is four.

Although if Phantasm gets some lines, I'll try to manage five characters at once!

Eventually Vibe catches up with Rupture.

I hope this doesn't mean Dante can't be a super villain too. I suppose he'd be okay as Vibe's shitty sidekick.

While Vibe and Rupture do some family counseling, the rest of the ARGUS installation has turned into the final act of Cabin in the Woods. Breachers are tearing the place apart and Gunn is about to find out what it's like to be a feeder mouse. Lucky for Gunn, his superior is Amanda Waller and she's not just an administrative asshole in The New 52. She blows the Snake Lord of Quonos's face off with a gun that's about the same size as she is. Carried in one arm. Although I have a feeling the Preboot Amanda Waller could have taken care of the snake as well just by giving it one of her "you going to try my patience?" stares.

Back to family therapy, Vibe continues to talk out his problems while Rupture puts his sickle through Vibe's chest. I'm not an expert but I'm sure one of those approaches should bring these two together. I would have preferred the use of puppets though. But Mordeth's hold over Rupture is too strong and he grabs Gypsy to bring her home. Since she turns out to be Mordeth's daughter.

Dammit! Does that mean Amanda Waller knows what she's doing? Is this prison actually a good place? Are they really containing actual threats to humanity in The Circus? Or did she just get lucky with this one? Of course keeping the daughter of some psycho war-mongering dictator on Earth probably isn't the best way to keep the world safe.

Rupture drags Vibe along with him to help break through the dimensional wall as he drags Gypsy home. The power burst from their leaving kills the electrical grid in ARGUS, allowing Omega, Darkseid's daughter, to escape. But she still hasn't been shown because capturing her will have to wait until Vibe comes back triumphant from Gypsy's homeworld.

Vibe #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying this comic book although I hope the title will change soon from "Justice League of America's Vibe" to "Vibe and Friends" when he gains a retinue of Breachers like Gypsy and Phantasm and that Scissorman.