Aquaman #22

Remember when Aquaman would go around riding gigantic sea horses with Aqualad at his side? Those were fun times. Those were times when fans could look at a comic book and think, "This guy wears horrid colors and speaks with fish. I can't take him seriously. Which is why his undersea adventures are so fun and wacky! I love Aquaman!" But then Frank Miller (and some other people whose names I would mention if I was willing to do even the slightest amount of research for this blog) came along and stomped their feet and grinned a gigantic grimace and said, "Super heroes should be grim and serious." He may as well have said, "I declare that Aquaman has no place in comic books today!" But that didn't stop other people from thinking, "Grim and dark and depressing worked for Batman! I bet it can work for Aquaman too!" But the first thing they had to do was get him out of his orange and green suit of horrors. So in 1986, Aquaman was given a new uniform and a little bit of an attitude. But somebody said, "That didn't go far enough! The kids seem to like that Lobo guy! Make him more like that Lobo guy!" So everybody went back to the drawing board and Aquaman was given long hair and a beard because wasn't that what Lobo was about? And he was turned into a dick and plans were made to cut off his hand so he could be really angry and gritty.

Unless it was all different somehow.

Anyway, the bottom line is that Aquaman lost his whimsical place in the comic book world by trying to make him more serious for the modern age. So now he's stoic which seems to work okay. But I'm still hoping that he goes back to riding gigantic sea horses soon!

Amazingly enough, Geoff Johns does not begin his comic books like Scott Lobdell. So the first page actually has eight panels and does not begin, "His name is Aquaman." I wonder if Scott Lobdell has ever read a comic book before? Instead of Lobdelling this shit, Geoff Johns creates a nice scene with Murk, Tula, and Swatt as they hotwire an old beat-up truck to use as their mode of transportation to get them to Belle Reve. I'm not too confident about their prison break plans.

You know how you can tell if somebody is stupid? If at any time in their life, they've said, "I'm not stupid!"

Intelligence is a funny thing. A sure fire way to piss off a stupid person is to tell them that they're stupid. Because they obviously don't believe they are. Everyone in the world thinks they're a fucking genius. From the point of view of a stupid person that thinks they're smart, smart people must look like complete morons with all the bullshit science crap they fall for. One of my favorite things that people of average intelligence will say of people who they know are smarter than they are is this: "They may be book smart, but they aren't street smart." People always have to feel they have some kind of smarts over another person. "You may be able to calculate the movements of the galaxies but let's see you bake a fucking pie, moron." One of my favorite retorts when somebody bests me at something or shows more aptitude than me is "Let's see you on a bike!" It's an old joke from when I was a teenager and my friend Larry was in an argument with somebody about who the fuck knows anymore. But when Larry was obviously losing, he just blurted that out: "Let's see you on a bike!" What a beautiful example of human nature.

Far away from Louisiana in the depths of the Bermuda Triangle, Aquaman is holding council with the ancient king of Atlantis.

Old King: "I am king. Bow to me."
Aquaman: "LOL WUT?"
Old King: "Give me back my trident."
Aquaman: "Are you talking to me?"
Old King: "Bow to me."
Aquaman: "olduselessimpotentfuckssaywhat?"
Old King: "What?"
Aquaman: "OMG you are so dumb!"
Old King: "ENOUGH!"
Aquaman: "No! You enough! Meet my friends, bitch!"

Summoning sharks might be an impressive power if your enemy didn't have the ability to freeze anything he wants.

Even underwater where Aquaman can really utilize his powers, his powers still come up short because they're stupid. I bet those sharks don't even really want to help out.

Shark One: "Oh god! He's calling us again!"
Shark Two: "Don't answer! Pretend we're not home!"
Shark One: "It's too late! I'm already feeling compelled. But I promised my girl I'd be home in a few minutes! What am I supposed to tell her?"
Shark Two: "Tell her the truth! You were forced into battle by Aquadouche again!"
Shark One: "I can't! I just used that excuse last week when I was out mating with some Hammerheads down in the old Spanish Galleon!"
Shark Two: "As sharks, do we even know what 'douches' are?"
Shark One: "Sure! We probably have four or five in our stomachs right now along with the toasters and the license plates!"

While the sharks offer up a distraction, Aquaman breaks out Mera so he can have some real fire power on his team. Also some real righteous fury!

Meanwhile Atlantis is falling to a fleet of The Scavenger's submarines because they only have one really super awesomely sweet line of defense that doesn't seem to be enough to stop the subs.

Gigantic Seahorse Cavalry!

The Scavenger is after something in the Throne Room. Perhaps the Throne?! He can probably sell that for a bundle of money on eBay. Or iBay. Or whatever the DC online auction site is called. The Scavenger's people also destroy the cells which sets Vulko free although I don't think they're after him. Maybe Vulko will be the one to go get Topo the Enormous Sea Flea to help out with the battle.

Getting back to Aquaman, he smashes the Dead King over the head with the ghost ocean liner that was used in the X-files Season 6 episode, "Triangle". Which, by the way, was one of the more fantastic episodes in that it visually explored the metaphor of Mulder and Scully as two halves of a single brain. In many ways, Hedwig and the Angry Inch is simply a musical version of The X-files except Mulder and Scully are simply played by a single actor, John Cameron Mitchell. Although many, many good episodes came afterward, I've often thought that The X-files should have finished at the end of Season 4 when Mulder kills himself. It makes sense because the rational and logical half of the brain (Scully) was dying of cancer. This left the intuitive and imaginative side of the brain to spiral into a schizophrenic psychosis where everything that Mulder believed seemed to be true. So not only was he believing the paranormal and conspiracy stuff, he lost his ability to logically defend against the people telling him he'd been used and manipulated the whole time and it was all lies upon lies until finally, in utter despair, he kills himself. Not the happiest of endings, of course, but I think a very clean academic one.

Getting back to getting back to Aquaman, The Dead King informs Aquaman that he's a crap super hero and an even worse king. I may have added the crap super hero part. But I'm not sure Aquaman can be entirely blamed for being a lousy king when he had to make it up as he went along. And it's not like Orm or any other king for the last five thousand years has known any of the stuff this Dead King knew! Perhaps if you wanted future kings to actually be good at their jobs, you should have left a to-do list or a manual. I know, I know! I'm sure a horrible evil king usurped the throne after The Dead King and his family disappeared as Atlantis sunk and this Usurper decided to do things a brand new way. And since Usurpers are usually close family members, I'm going to guess Aquaman is descended not from The Dead King but from The Dead King's lousy uncle and his Lady Macbeth bride.

Oh krakoooooom! Master Comic Book Reader in the house!

I like Aquaman's shocked look in the above panel. Even Aquaman doesn't want someone shattering his dreams of being a princess stolen away from the royal family at birth and raised by a poor lighthouse keeper. He should actually look relieved that he doesn't need to feel the obligation to lead Atlantis anymore. Although he might be thinking how the rest of the Justice League are going to tease him incessantly when they find out. They'll probably start putting notes on all of his snack food in the Watchtower break room. The "King's" Ho-Hos. "His Royal Majesty's" Nutella. "At least you can still rule these guys" on his Goldfish crackers.

Dead King Deadson explains to Aquaman that Aquaman's ancestors murdered his family and stole the throne. Of course that's what happened! It's the circle of life, asshole!

Speaking of stolen thrones, The Scavenger is over in Atlantis believing that if his ass is in the throne then he's King of Atlantis. Good luck with that one. It's like taking over a country with "Dibs!" or "Not Its!" Even if it is true that he gets to rule while his ass is in the throne, he'd better fucking hope the throne has a built in throne, if you get my slang.

Mera's ex-fiance and his people decide they're going to side with the True King of the Seven Seas and that bitch ain't Aquaman. Even though the True King is dead. Or made out of ice. Or something. Who knows where he was and why it took him so long to come back. Some people would even think that maybe he didn't really care that much. Oh! I bet he only came back when the Trident was discovered and then used to enhance Aquaman's fish speaking ability.

Aquaman #22 Rating: No change. Twenty two issues into an Aquaman series and I'm still not bored. Not only am I not bored, I'm actually enjoying it! Although I'd like to see more outfits using Starfish and maybe some more seaweed incorporated into outfits, possibly some use of sponges as loin cloths. Also Aquaman should do that thing soon where he rides around with each foot on the back of a different manta ray. That's always a lot of fun.