Superman Annual #2

I have no clue how Scott Lobdell is going to write a convincing Brainiac.

Brainiac: "So, Superman, we meet again. I am going to totally outwit you!"
Superman: "Just try it, Brainiac! That wasn't me saying your name! That was me calling you 'brainiac' sarcastically! Jerko!"
Brainiac: "You are a fool, Superman. And stupid too!"
Superman: "Ewwww! I'll show you stupid!"
Brainiac: "You will not have to try very hard."
Superman: "I am going to punch you in your big fat green face now!"
Brainiac: "Oh no you will not, Superman. For you see, I have harnessed the power of the Omniomni! With it, I can do anything I can think of. And being the smartest person you have ever met, I can think of a lot of things!"
Superman: "Oh no! You are very smart and have completely made me look stupid! I am at your mercy!"
Brainiac: "Ha ha ha! I win, Superman! If only you were as smart as me, you would have realized that the one flaw with using the Omniomni is fits of narcolepsy!"
Superman: "A-ha! I knew that your need to look smart would eventually be your downfall! Now all I must do is find a dictionary and learn what 'narcolepsy' is and then use it against you! You will be defeated next issue, Dumb-dumbiac!"
Brainiac: "Curses! If only I had destroyed all of the dictionaries to begin with! I will get you next time, Superman!"

I bet the Annual reads exactly like that!

What a fucking surprise. Scott Lobdell "Lobdelled" this issue!

Here's my definition of "Lobdelled":

Is this kind of opening to a comic book called “Lobdelling it”? You open with a rather static splash page and a bunch of Narration Boxes with the first Narration Box stating the name of the character.

So the Annual opens with Lois Lane having been murdered. But she's also introducing herself as having just been murdered. Oh Scott Lobdell. Did you just get done watching American Beauty when you wrote this?

It looks like Lois Lane fell through a window to her death. But it's odd that all of that glass ended up lying on top of her. So I think what really happened was that she got drunk at a big Daily Planet party, passed out on the sidewalk on the way home, and then a plate glass window fell out of a skyscraper and landed on top of her. Simply tragic.

It turns out Lois is on the roof of a building, so I need to amend my guess. I think the front windshield of an airliner fell off and landed on her as she was out getting some air and looking over her city. Also, she hasn't actually been murdered yet. She's just having some dying thoughts about how she's dying and then the dying will end up being murder because the person that kicked out the windshield of the plane aimed it at her. She's also blaming herself which is no way to think, Lois. Stop blaming the victim, you dumb slut.

Superman picks Lois up in his arms because fuck what those lousy EMTs would say about not moving injured people. He has super vision and he's super smart and knows all about the human female anatomy and where all of her organs should be. So using his x-ray vision, he notices that her parts are in just the right spots that will allow him to cradle her in his arms. When he does, he breathes into her face. I bet if she wasn't so concerned about dying right now, she'd realize he's actually Clark Kent!

Lois Lane: "Whoa. Superman! That's the same stale breath of Rubens and Root Beer that I remember that time you got tipsy and leaned in to try to ram your tongue down my throat?"
Superman: "That wasn't me! That was Clar...."
Lois Lane: "A-ha! *CROAK*"

That was just the prologue. Now gather around, everybody! You all know the drill! This is a comic book so it's time to flash back to one week earlier. Hold the hand of your buddy and try not to get lost in time. Also please refrain from humming Huey Lewis songs.

So that's how Superman keeps people from tracing his cell phone! He uses burners! He's just like the drug dealers on The Wire! And me!

Lois is just working late at the Daily Planet trying to keep it relevant. She says, "Not too long ago, [Clark] was the second greatest news reporter in the world. Now he's--I can barely say it--blogging." It's interesting that Lois believes she's the greatest reporter in the world and yet she's currently bailing water on the sinking ship of circulated print media and looking down her nose at the internet. How can the greatest reporter in the world not see the actual story? The last generation that will regularly read a newspaper has already been born. And, I dare say, two more generations have already been born since that one. And I say that as somebody who still reads floppy comics. Some day, publishers are simply going to have to abandon them because their audience has gone completely digital. We're living in a world of Gargoyles now and everybody needs to get used to it.

Lois is interrupted by a cast member from Mars Attacks! The woman mentions something about trying to resist some female's call. It's possible she's talking about The Queen Bee. Or this could be something entirely different since it's an Annual. But I think this woman is one of The Twenty and she'd been called forth by The Queen Bee to prepare for Brainiac's return.

Of course when a freakishly strange person dies at your feet in Metropolis, there's just one place to take her: S.T.A.R. Labs! Let's cut her open, Science Doctors!

"You figure out who this chick is, Lois. My lunch is getting cold. And don't worry about notifying the police or anything. We got this!"

Superman drops by to do the x-ray autopsy because fuck protocol when you're Superman! As long as nobody knows you performed the autopsy, who needs clearance from the family, right? And she's dead so it's not like it's an invasion of her privacy, right? I think Superman and Lois Lane might need to take a refresher course on ethics.

But then again, time is probably of the essence! And more people's lives could be in danger, so Superman should be able to invade everybody's privacy to keep everyone safe! You go, Superman! Fill our heads with radiation as you check to see if we're lying! Scan our apartments for illegal contraband so you can learn the things we like and later sell that information to Amazon! I know that's how you make your money, you arrogant prick. I think you also have an Omnicomputer running all day long in the Fortress of Solitude sending out Spam emails. Dick.

Superman determines that this woman's gigantic head was caused by her own gigantic head. She seems to have thought herself into being a big-headed super smarty pants. Perhaps all of The Twenty will soon be shopping for hats at Hector Hammond's Huge Head Hattery. I'm beginning to think there are some psychic shenanigans going on in Metropolis!

Using her super duper reporter skills, Lois Lane discovers the woman's name was Amelia Darling. And then she decides to flash back to five years previous! Shit! We weren't ready for this one! I hope everybody is still holding their buddy's hand tightly! Don't let go! HEEEEERRRREEEE WEEEE GOOOOOOO! "BBBBAAAACCCKKK INNNN TIIIIIIMMMMMMEEEE!" IIIIIIII TOOOOOOLLLLLLDDDDD YOOOOOOOOUUUUU! NOOOOOOO HUUUUUEEEEEEYYYYY LLLLLLEEEEEWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSS!

No, Lex, I'm pretty sure the worst idea ever involves fifteen goats, a hovercraft, and a shotgun wedding.

After Metropols was saved by Superman, Lois Lane began investigating The Twenty. She seems to be the one to have brought the mysterious disappearances to everybody's attention. But I suppose five years is a long time without any clue as to where the people went, so people began thinking of The Twenty as an Urban Legend. Until now! Lois Lane had just found one of The Twenty! Amelia Darling with the fucked up head!

Except that when Chapter Three begins and Lois starts investigating Amelia Darling (again!), she realizes that Amelia wasn't missing at all! She'd been working and living her life every day since Brainiac came. This mystery might need a Batman to solve! It could be way beyond a meager reporter's detective skills! I don't think Lois has the skill to figure it out because she's just a lousy reporter. Plus she gets murdered at the end! Remember that?!

Lois decides to begin her investigation again and winds up finding another of The Twenty so I guess she's about as good as Batman.

When Lois says "we'll", who is she including with herself? The Daily Planet? Are they on the cutting edge of life saving technologies? They delving into psionic research? Or does she just always include Superman in her plans.

If you're wondering why I haven't been lambasting Scott Lobdell during this commentary, you'll be unpleasantly surprised to find that this issue is actually pretty good. So far. If you lose the first page and the "I'm dying so here's the entire story repeated inside my own head" Narration Boxes!

And then Chapter Four begins and Lois Lane is wearing the dress she'll get murdered in! Oh no! The tension is so high!

Lois attends a fundraiser where she meets up with "Sentator" Hume who just happens to be one of The Twenty! And even though Lois Lane investigated all of The Twenty and found them missing and should know their identities, they all have super psionic brain powers which makes every bit of her investigation untrustworthy. But now they're willing to telepethatate with her. Probably because The Queen Bee is trying to force them all to do her bidding. Sentator Hume just lets it all come out. And by "all" I actually mean one single page that answers a few questions but then creates more!

See Lobdell? Was that so fucking hard? Instead of constantly having characters say, "I hope nobody discovers my secret!" for twelve issues, you actually move the plot along by revealing a few answers while simply raising more questions. This is the way to string readers along! Kudos! Finally.

Sentator Hume continues his story and reveals even more answers! Holy fuck. I thought I wouldn't learn more until Superman Annual #3. So Vril Dox (who some of you might remember from Preboot times as the leader of L.E.G.I.O.N. and the Tamer of Lobo) began the whole collector thing by shrinking a city from Colu and uploading his people's psyches into computer networks on other planets. As Brainiac traveled about saving cities from The Multitude, he was also searching for organic vessels to contain his people's psyches. On Earth, he gave twenty people Level 12 Intelligence. Just like Brainiac 5 from the future! Apparently the human bodies seem to be strong enough to be used as hosts for the Coluan intelligences. Which is why Brainiac must come back! And to ensure that Lois Lane gets the truth out to keep Brainiac from coming back and taking The Twenty, Sentator Hume turns her into one of them. Now Lois Lane must solve the case before she's consumed by the Smarts Virus and her head blows up.

The last page is a callback to the first page with Lois repeating her name and Narration Boxing, "This is the last story I will ever file," as Superman cradles her. Which makes the Narration Boxing into the story she was writing exposing The Twenty. So one of Scott Lobdell's stories finally makes the Narration Boxes work for it. And it makes beginning one of his stupid fucking Lobdelled beginnings work as well! What the fuck is wrong with the universe? This was actually a well done story! I bet Dan Jurgens did most of the story telling with his plotting and layouts!

I just can't give Scott Lobdell the benefit of the doubt!

There's a back-up story about The World of Krypton but it's not any more interesting than the first four chapters. The military hates the scientists and the scientists hate the military and they both want to control the public and the scientists want to kill clones for parts and the military wants to kill Kryptonians for using clones for parts. Or something. Whatever.

Superman Annual #2 Rating: It's too fucking bad I don't raise or lower the ranks of comics due to the Annual because this was by far and away the best issue of anything that Scott Lobdell has written. It was coherent. It answered questions. It stuck to the world and plot that had been in the books previously. It tied in to Grant Morrison's Action Comics run in a logical and well-done way. Frankly, I'm astounded. And shocked. And a little sad that Lobdell might be getting his shit together since this is the third comic book in a row of his that I've thought was decent or better. I wonder if I should go in for an MRI?