Monday, August 26, 2013

Pandora #3

Problem solved! Crossover over!

I almost read Justice League Dark #23 first and then I checked Aquaman #21 for the Trinity War advert and saw that this comic book was next in line! Crisis averted! Or adverted, technically!

I bet I would have been so confused if I'd read Justice League Dark first. No, I'm lying. I have a feeling that this comic book and Justice League Dark #23 aren't going to have a lot of plot movement. And then everything will rush to the conclusion in Justice League #23. Which, according to the ad for Villains Month in this weeks comic books, everybody dies! Thanks for spoiling things, you stupid jackasses! Companies seriously need to figure out how to advertise their entertainment products without spoiling the stories within. Every single person that makes trailers for movies or commercials for television shows or static ads for books and comic books should study the trailer for In Bruges. Now that's a fantastic trailer for one of my all time favorite movies. The trailer interested me in a movie I hadn't heard about and yet doesn't spoil the true nature and beauty of the film. I should probably move on to spoiling Pandora before I spoil In Bruges.

This month, Pandora's story begins in 1330 CE on Mount Song with somebody asking the question, "What is evil?"

This reminds me of a story! My friend Doom Bunny's daughter, Doom Bunnette, had an imaginary brother she named Song. After some time had passed, he asked her about Song since he hadn't heard about Song in awhile. Doom Bunnette informed her father that Song was dead. Her new imaginary friend, Frank, took Song into his secret basement and killed him. Some time later, their neighbor's house caught fire and afterwards, Doom Bunnette came up to Doom Bunny and informed him that Frank had pictures of the fire. I'm fairly certain that Frank is the ghost of an evil serial killer. Doom Bunny appeases Frank every year by throwing a huge party for his birthday. I told him to get a Ouija Board for the last one, which he did, but I don't think he convinced anybody to use it. He's not very good at doing non-normative things. If it's an adult party, you drink and talk about sports and your job and drink some more and maybe play some Rock Band if everybody decides to let their hair down. At one point, Doom Bunnette actually told her father that Frank was dead until she found out that Doom Bunny was going to throw a party for him and there would be cake. So she said, "He's not dead!" and the evil was brought back into the house. Who can blame her? Cake!

At the end of some Trinity War issue or tie-in, Pandora tried to give her box to Lex Luthor. But Wonder Woman interrupted and grabbed it herself. She then went a little bit bat shit insane. But when that all happened, Black Adam was not in the cell with Lex Luthor and now he is! So am I reading these things out of order or what? Oh fuck it. Whatever. I'll just soldier on!

Or maybe not! Black Adam didn't have Pandora's Box when I last left off with The Trinity War! I guess I'll switch over to Justice League Dark #23 now!

Okay! I'm back! And as everybody knows, it wasn't Black Adam at all but Shazam gone corrupt. Anyway, this scene shouldn't last long since Constantine scarpers with the Box and Zatanna.

After Pandora learned a stupid Eastern definition of evil which actually sounds more like ignorance or stubbornness, she wanders for two hundred years until she trains with an ancient Oliver Queen like-a-look. It's 1594 so it's probably Francis Bacon or William Shakespeare or Queen Elizabeth. She's still trying to learn the nature of evil while also learning how to kick ass.

I'm fairly certain that "Adalger" was Queen Elizabeth's first name.

Enough with the stupid evil questions. Nobody allows evil to exist. Evil only exists once a creature becomes sentient enough to think abstractly. Sentient creatures project evil or cruelty onto the world around them. Evil is a judgment call. If I kill a person because that person was attacking me and I was fighting for my life, most people wouldn't think of that as evil. If a person is hoarding a bunch of food and me and my family are starving, I can kill that person and it's not evil. Some people may see it as evil; others might not. It all depends on the actions and the situation. It depends on who is hurt and why. I don't even like the term "evil" because many people immediately picture some vast, nebulous thing that possesses and affects a person's rational mind. I definitely never mean "evil" in the sense of Satan or demons or devil or some kind of cloud or web of influence that causes people to act irrationally. At the end, I just have to return to my original definition: evil is just a judgment call based on perception, culture, law, empathy, and various other factors. If I were to kick my cat in the face, most people would think I was an evil jerk. But you don't know what a dick my cat can be!

But then Pandora is in a comic book where she released seven manifestations of despicable character traits that revel in the misery of mankind, so I should cut her some slack on her quest for understanding evil.

Back to Pandora's quest, she visits a Druid or Child Eating Witch in Flensburg in 1703 CE.

In a couple of centuries, I hope she visits the Lutz family to find out what they think of evil!

Lehrer actually comes fairly close to pointing out to Pandora that evil is in the eye of the judgmental dick-face, but instead she pulls some bullshit about her pet ghost in her cereal bowl. Why do "wise" people always have to obscure their message behind allegory and analogy and mystic hoodoo? One of my favorite things about The New Testament is how Jesus is always telling allegories to get a point across to his disciples. Yet every fucking time, they look at him quizzically and ask, "What the fuck?" And then he ends up having to drop the story and just tell them what he was trying to say. You'd think he could have found some more intelligent fishermen to back him up.

Meanwhile Special Agents Chang and Kincaid are investigating Pandora's arms dealer, Marcus Aurelius. He's in trouble because Pandora has been labeled a super villain and he's helped arm her.

I'm still confused as to why Pandora has been labeled a super villain! Is it because she stole something that belonged to her from ARGUS? I can see ARGUS being pissed about that but why would SHADE care? I guess that's what the investigation is about but aren't law enforcement agents supposed to approach these things as if the person they're looking for is innocent until proven guilty?

Sorry! Sorry! I just made myself spit tea out of my mouth from typing something so fucking ridiculous. Of course they believe she's guilty of trying to kill Superman with her Box! What law enforcement agent doesn't believe the person they're after is guilty? They're all so convinced of their abilities that they're usually willing to shoot to kill without any actual evidence or a trial or any proof at all except a gut feeling. I bet the main thing she's guilty of is wielding guns without being a White Male.

Pandora has been trying to stop the Seven Sins for thousands of years. She's gathered wisdom and fighting techniques across that time. How to defeat them is all locked up in her head but she can't quite put it all together. What she needs is a House moment! She needs to see or experience something that will give her the A-ha Moment where she sees how the pieces of the puzzle all fit together. And it's in the fight in Lex Luthor's cell that she finally has that moment. She finally sees the thing that gives her the knowledge to be able to kill the Seven Sins. This is that moment:

Weird. I just see Frankenstein and Aquaman kissing.

Maybe this is a Rebus Puzzle like in the inside of a Lucky Lager bottle cap! Angry Wedgie + Necrophilia - Big Loser X Skull = Be the Sin? No, no. I don't see it. Perhaps it was seeing Frankenstein who is neither alive nor dead which brings back her lesson about the arrow that is there and not there. And maybe seeing the huge loser Aquaman made her recall the water in the flood she's not supposed to kick. And seeing her anger reflected back at her in Wrath recalled Lehrer's lesson about ghostly cereal. And maybe the entire fight itself made her remember when she learned to make a fist! Whatever the case, it all clicks and she realizes she needs to be consumed by each individual sin in order to interact with that sin. So she embraces her envy of all mankind and their ability to fuck each other which gives her the power to blow Envy's brains out all over Luthor's cell.

And now she's ready to take on the rest! I can't wait until she fights Lust!

Pandora #3 Rating: No change. I often like to compare stories to The Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby Doo and how can I not compare this one to that? It's the exact same story! Except for the number of ghosts because thirteen is more than seven. Also there isn't a big fat dog that can kind of talk a little bit.

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