Justice League Dark #23

Fucking Pandora #3 was giving me spoilers so I ditched it to finish this first!

Here I am! Time to read this book so I can find out how Black Adam gets his hands on Pandora's Box! I saw that when I tried to read Pandora #3 first because The Trinity War advertisements from two months ago listed the Pandora #3 tie-in before Justice League #23. Fuck you, DC! Get it right next time!

Although maybe they don't actually have a way to get it right. I have a feeling that this book is going to spoil some things happening in Pandora #3 and Pandora #3 spoils some stuff in this comic. My first plan was to read this issue anyway since it's the main story. So now I'm back to my initial plan! You can skip all of that stuff you just read because it's just me bitching and moaning about minor spoilers.

What are spoilers anyway? When you read a story, the story eventually spoils itself, right? When you first learn something, it's a surprise, so what's the big deal? Of course, I'd like to be able to know what Trinity War is about before DC tells me that all the heroes are going to die so they can do a Villains Month!

So last chapter, Wonder Woman had gone nuts by touching Pandora's Box while in Lex Luthor's prison cell. Superman and his Super Friends were blown up in ARGUS. And Batman was hanging out in the House of Mystery having tea. And Madame Xanadu was captured by the Purple People Leader and forced to narrate this issue.

The worst psychic ever, you immortal cunt. They went to Heaven and back! Not Hell! Heaven! You're not even fucking close! You got it exactly opposite what really happened!

Madame Xanadu decides to use her far-seeing to watch the Wonder Woman battle taking place. Nobody in that group can defeat Wonder Woman hand-to-hand! Aquaman? Are you kidding? Hawkman? Please! Fist to fist, Wonder Woman has it over those two chumps any day. Frankenstein? Maybe if he was looking to kill, he might have a chance. But his poet's heart is going to make him go easy on her and that'll be the end of him. Black Orchid might stand a chance if any writer had any clue as to what she was or how powerful she could be. But she's still kind of a cypher and I don't see that changing during a huge crossover event. She needs her own story or mini-series to work through who she actually is. Stargirl is too inexperienced. The only person in this entire group that I think could get the Box away from Wonder Woman is Zatanna! Say something backwards, stupid! Don't just stand there! At least try, "Kcus ssel, namauqA!"

Everybody fails in their fight against Wonder Woman but there's still hope to get the Box away from her before she decides she's the next fucking Hera.

Since Black Adam is dead, I think I just figured out what happens! Billy Batson spills black paint on himself!

Oh. No, that doesn't happen. Shazam gets the Box himself and recalibrates into an evil version of himself. Which looks nearly identical to Black Adam. Once Shazam changes form by saying his Magic Word while holding the Skull, every DC Character suddenly comes down with an Alderaan destroyed Obi Wan Kenobi sized headache. The headache also imparted some information to Deadman. He now believes he can find Madame Xanadu.

Surprisingly, everybody caught in the ARGUS explosion survived! Oh, I thought they were all going to die so we could get this Villains Month thing going already. I just hope Scott Lobdell isn't writing the Bizarro issue. If he's writing the Bizarro issue, I'm quitting this whole fucking project!

The Superman gang's story is really boring. They yell at Waller for a bit and then search the rubble for survivors. Who cares? Just fight something already!

Back in Lex Luthor's prison cell, Frankenstein suddenly doesn't have to hold back now that a male (and a bratty one at that) has Pandora's Box. Time to go full Monster on this fucker!

That's my boy!

Frankenstein also succumbs to the power of the Box but by this point, everybody is flipping the fuck out. Zatanna finally casts a fucking spell that protects her and Pandora and Stargirl from the Box's corrupting influence. Which allows her to begin helping out instead of just standing around looking adorable.

Hurry! Make Aquaman interesting while you're casting spells!

Well that spell should work for a few seconds.

With all of these splash pages, I'm surprised I'm still reading this thing. I should have been through with it twenty minutes ago! It's not like I'm saying anything interesting about it!

For the majority of this battle, I was rooting for Frankenstein because the rest of these people are twats. Well, not Black Orchid but she seriously needs a mini-series or something before I can fully get back into loving her. And I adore Wonder Woman in her own title but not this one that's been making out with Superman. But Frankenstein is the coolest corpse in the room until my real main man shows up! Not Lobo. Although I'd root for Lobo! No, this time it's just John Constantine.

I guess Papa Midnite did a pretty fantastic healing job on him.

At this point, I'm not even sure the Constantine Tie-in should have been written. That issue should have just had them stop in somewhere for Frozen Yogurt while Constantine warns Billy about the Skull, Billy says, "Stuff it, old man," and then they go their separate ways to end up here. It would have been just as effective!

John and Zatanna end up in Greece because that's where the Skull decided to bring them, outside the Temple of Hephaestus. They discover that Madame Xanadu has been imprisoned in a bunker beneath the site. And then Batman and his gang arrive! Hopefully nobody decides to punch anybody else in the face simply because that's standard operating procedure! For once violence doesn't erupt and everybody decides to listen to Madame Xanadu who explains that Pandora's Box is not a prison but a doorway.

Oh yeah. That's obviously an evil Alfred from another Earth. And that Earth is probably Villain Earth, right? Which is where Pandora's Door leads. Which is why Seven Aspects of Evil came through the Doorway already long ago.

Justice League Dark #23 Rating: No change. I suppose if everybody on the internet has already guessed that this is an alternate version of Alfred Pennyworth than DC is going to have to change this from being an alternate version of Alfred Pennyworth! Just like they fucked up Monarch with the Hawk twist when it was so obviously Captain Atom! Stupid fucking DC. And just like Lost changed direction after everybody guessed that the island was Purgatory and everybody was already dead. Fucking writers. Stop reading what people write on the internets and just tell your stupid goddamn stories.