Friday, August 30, 2013

Wonder Woman #23

I just reread my commentary on Issue #22 where I completely deconstructed myself. I think everything after that commentary is just quietly spooning and glancing at the digital clock glowing in the dark across the room while trying to figure out how quickly you can make an exit without being insulting.

It's not like I planned on fucking all five hundred or so of you only to disappear back into the anonymity of the internet. But we both knew when our eyes met across the URL that it wasn't going to last. You saw something in me that really lit your fire and I saw in you a few sweaty nights of sexual gratification. Sure, it would have been less complicated if I'd just used my hand. But you were sitting there at your keyboard, so cute in clothing and sipping on a hot beverage. I just had to know what was under that rumpled, slightly oversized shirt you were wearing. And you wanted...well, we know what you wanted, right? It's all over your face. Would you like a washcloth? Anyway, we both used each other. I think we can live with that, can't we? I mean, I know I can. You're just going to have to see a therapist or take some sedatives because neither of us wants this to get weird once I tell you I never want to see you again. Right? Please just go.

That's my break-up speech to you if I ever suddenly disappear from this blog. So you should bookmark this page or save it in a notepad file or something so you can have some closure when the day comes that I get hit by a bus and no more updates are forthcoming.

Hey, I'm just being realistic here! I love running in front of buses and quitting things. So I'm bound to disappear. It's best that we're all just prepared for it beforehand. Whew. That feels so much better. Now that we both know our best times are behind us, the pressure has lifted. I feel like I don't have any reason to impress anybody anymore. It's sweat pants and loud farts time!

This issue begins with Wonder Woman and her party in Room 41, The Lair of The First Born. It's filled with Gnolls which shouldn't be too rough a fight seeing as how Wonder Woman and eighty percent of the rest of her party are Epic Level.

I'm including the baby in my calculations.

Although I didn't include War's army of dead soldiers from across time. Which puts the odds at, oh, about the same as they were before since they're only fighting Gnolls. Seems like a waste of resources to me. Although Wonder Woman and her party still have to battle The First Born, so it's better to have an army of henchmen to battle the low level monsters that are really just wasting everyone's time and burning resources.

As Hera and Zola try to find somewhere to hide in the middle of the battlefield, I realize I fucked up my calculations because I'd forgotten that Hera was made mortal. But they'll be okay since they have Zeke the Epic Level Infant That Is Probably Zeus to take care of them. But now that War's army is distracting the Gnolls, Wonder Woman and Orion can take care of The First Born.

Orion's opening move is the Superfly Splash.

Let me interrupt the action for a quick recap of the Gods and their Prophecies (filtered somewhat through my horrible memory). Apollo received a prophecy that said a God would kill a God for the Throne of Olympus. But long before that, Zeus had a prophecy that The First Born would take the Throne. So I believe that Zeus gave up the Throne to become his own child leaving a vacuum that could be filled by The First Born. Subsequently, The First Born will end up being the God that is killed by another God thus fulfilling Apollo's prophecy. And then the status quo will return to normal in Olympus and Wonder Woman will be free to date boring shits like Steve Trevor again.

There may have been more details to the Prophecy but it's best not to concentrate too hard on the details of prophecies or else you just end up outwitting yourself and being the catalyst for the prophecy to come true.

Now let's return to the action!

The First Born's finishing move is the Ringside Folding Chair Blindside.

Now that the exhibition match is over, it's time for the title match! I suppose Wonder Woman is going to open up with the "I'll Kick Your Ass" attitude. But that, as always, will die down and she'll try to finish up with her Compassionate Clutch. She'll probably begin to feel sorry for The First Born since he was abandoned by his Daddy, unloved and banished from home. She'll want to hug and comfort him. But since next month's Wonder Woman comic book is The First Born #1, I have a feeling the Compassionate Clutch is going to backfire and The First Born is going to pull out the Figure Fuck You and defeat Wonder Woman on the final page.

Whoa. I sense some serious sibling rivalry here.

Wonder Woman doesn't get a chance to use any moves in the first round. She's out for a long count as The First Born goes after Zeke next. He chokes out Hera and then goes toe to toe with War. As they battle, Diana comes to. She sees that The First Born is about to kill War and take his place as The God of War. Then War vomits blood all over The First Born's face. Probably because Wonder Woman killed him to keep his power from transferring to The First Born.

I suppose that makes Diana Prince the God of War?

Well isn't that a doozy? The most compassionate character in the DC Universe is now also the God of War! I guess it's just a matter of time until Diana is driven to drink like her Uncle. Superman is going to be so pissed when Wonder Woman shows up at the next Justice League meeting sloshed out of her mind.

Superman: "Everybody's here now. We can get things started once we figure out where those empty liquor bottles are and clear them out of here. It's like there's a refinery up my nose!"
Wonder Woman: "Think you're sho cool. You're not cool. Goody two-shoes ish what you are."
Superman: "Excuse me? Are you okay, sweetie pumpkin?"
Batman: "Here's the scoop, Clark! Hot off the presses: she's drunk. Some fucking investigative journalist you are."
Superman: "No! Not my supremely virtuous sugar bosoms! Are you sure it's not Cyborg?"
Cyborg: "Man! I knew you were racist! Bitch."
Wonder Woman: "He's sho rashisht. Totally hatesh Earshlingsh."
The Flash: "Hal is going to be so pissed he missed this."

And after The First Born has taken out all but one of his Epic Level opponents, the Zero Level NPC Baby Bearer finishes him.

Critical hit, bitch! Although it is with an improvised weapon. So she couldn't have done more than D6 Damage, really. Good thing Wonder Woman put him down in the single hit points with her blow.

With the battle over, the little squidgy fellow in the ebony armor and the candlelight helm shows up to escort War down to Hades. But first a mother must say goodbye.

Oh! That's so poetic and touching! ... Wait a second! What is Hera gaining from this?!

Wonder Woman allows The First Born to live as they all head off to ferry War to Hell. But then Apollo shows up with a big batch of up to no good in his eyes.

Wonder Woman #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. With Cliff Chiang at the helm, this book has some of the most beautiful, stylistic art of The New 52. And with Brian Azzarello writing, this series has some of the most well crafted dialogue as well. It's a treat to read and it really does stand somewhat outside of The New 52 which is a really welcome thing at times. Wonder Woman doesn't have to deal with her stupid relationship with Superman over here or the whining, pouting Facebook posts from Steve Trevor hoping she'll take him back. She can just be a compassionate bad ass doing her thing in her own story. I haven't read much Wonder Woman over the years but I have a feeling this is going to go down as one of the best runs of Wonder Woman ever.

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