Superman #22

"Does Superman have Colony Collapse Disorder?" -- my Non-Certified Spouse

If The Queen Bee feeds off of the random thoughts of the citizens of Metropolis, did she dine on Mind Zombie Alternate Future Lana Lang who was hanging around inside Superman's mind? Perhaps the Queen Bee has taken on the personality of this Lana Lang creature so that she can affect the story instead of just residing inside Superman's skull. I don't know why I haven't been keeping a list of all the plot threads that Scott Lobdell leaves lying around on the cutting room floor. I know he still has plenty of time to bring back Mind Zombie Lana. Maybe he'll tie her in to The Twenty and H'el's trip back in time and Oracle or any of the other buried plot points I can't even remember. Since he isn't writing Red Hood and the Outlaws anymore, he'll probably forget about The Thirteen and he certainly won't be writing anything with Deathstroke going after The Outlaws.

Although here's an astonishing thing: I said that Superman #21 was the best Superman comic yet and Teen Titans #22 was the best Teen Titans book yet. Although they fucked up in enough ways that I never forgot who was writing the comics. Perhaps he's now working with an editor that is going to keep his stories on track and he'll stop starting over from month to month. DC really needs to assign some asshole to Scott Lobdell to help him remember what he wrote each month. Perhaps that's what has happened.

I probably shouldn't get ahead of myself here. It was only two comic books out of the many that Lobdell has written for The New 52. It could just be a fluke.

Oh for fuck's sake. Welcome back to Sucksville, Mr. Lobdell! May I get your bags?

Is this kind of opening to a comic book called "Lobdelling it"? You open with a rather static splash page and a bunch of Narration Boxes with the first Narration Box stating the name of the character. I'm pretty sure he added the "don't let his demeanor deceive you" because when the art came back, Hector Hammond looked more frightened than he should have. Because he can just use his mind powers to make them all eat their guns. One of the later Narration Boxes claims that Hector Hammond is a young man because God forbid a character in a comic book be an adult. Perhaps Lobdell believes he writes young people really well. He probably believes that because he never rereads his own work on Teen Titans.

On the next page, Queen Bee declares that Hector Hammond is being silly because there is no cause for hostilities between him and H.I.V.E. If that's so, Queen Bee, then why are your people cocking their guns in his face? I saw the fucking sound effects and the barrels jammed right up near his head! Are you trying to tell me that was a friendly H.I.V.E. greeting? If that's so, then I can see why you think Hector surrendering is silly. I wouldn't scream "You can have my wallet!" to a man coming up to shake my hand. Although shaking hands is a rather aggressive male behaviour and I will no longer take part in the barbaric tradition.

Scott Lobdell also decided to change the acronym for H.I.V.E.! In back to back issues! What a tortured genius this Scott Lobdell is. So last issue, H.I.V.E. stood for Holistic Integration for Viral Equality. Now it stands for Holistically Integrated Viral Equality. Okay, so it's not much of a change. But it's still pretty haphazard writing and proves Scott Lobdell writes with neither plan nor memory of past writing nor forethought nor talent.

Lobdell really doesn't fucking care what he writes from panel to panel, does he?

I imagine when Scott Lobdell is writing a script, the only thought in his head is, "How am I going to spend this fat Superman money?"

Hector Hammond destroys Queen Bee's soldiers since they were just illusions planted in Hector's mind. He then begins choking Queen Bee with the help of his puppet men who handle moving his arms and legs while Queen Bee tries to convince him that they can KAK GROK CLORF or something. I have a tough time understanding the Being Choked accent.

Meanwhile Superman is standing over the city making lists of all the impressive things he can do.

Superman: "Lift cities? Check! Well, as long as I have a gigantic plate to nestle it on so that it doesn't all fall apart like a great big crumbly cake."
Superman: "Level mountains with my bare fists? Oh yeah! One of my favorite pastimes. It's always nice to fuck up every single map on the planet in one go sometimes. Take that, you cocky fucking Earthlings."
Superman: "Withstand the rigors of space? Che-fucking-eck! Occasionally I might have a hemorrhoid burst from the vacuum but since I don't need to eat, I just keep my bowels clear until it heals. No big deal!"
Superman: "Let's see. What other awesome things can I do? Oh! Withstand the crushing cold of the ocean floor! Hmm, that's an odd way to say that, isn't it? I suppose I can survive the cold because it's less cold underwater than it is in space so why the fuck did I even mention that? But the crushing is the important thing I can survive! Except that has nothing to do with the cold or the floor since the floor isn't the thing crushing me."
Superman: "It's weird how stupid I seem, even to myself, recently. It's like one minute I've got a clear head and hearty mind and I'm fighting the Predator in 1985 era USSR and the next thing I know, I'm a fucking idiot fighting an alien with a nicely shaved upper pubis and every single super power in the book."
Superman: "Anyway, where was I in my list of awesome things I can do? Oh yeah! I can stand in the heart of the sun! Or, more accurately, float there. You know, that's an even better example of the great pressures I can survive than the crushing cold of the ocean floor. So why'd I even bring up the ocean floor? It's just a lesser example of space and the heart of the sun? I really am going mental. Perhaps Hector Hammond has implanted the mind of an idiot deep into my subconscious?!"

Superman is making this list of physical challenges so he can make this statement that has no connection to his awesome might:

Hey! Maybe the "stray thought" is a clue! Remember how you've been dealing with Hector Hammond recently? Remember that mind explosion that happened while you were on the plane last issue?! Fuck, you're an idiot, Clark.

Oh, forgive me. The next page he begins listing all of the events from past issues to pull them all together. Just like Raven did at the end of Teen Titans #22! Look at that! It's Scott Lobdell plagiarizing himself again! I think an editor took him aside and said, "You have got to pull these fucking pile of shit comic book messes together and make something coherent already, you smarmy git."

I used to think that I hated how comic books weren't using thought bubbles. But now that Clark Kent is walking along thinking Scott Lobdell thoughts, I've changed my mind. I don't want to see the stupid shit he's thinking now! Like how he's now claiming that Dr. Veritas creeps him out. Oh, really, Clark? I suppose that means Scott Lobdell is going to make her turn on you soon. Because that's one of the few plots Lobdell understands. She'll be his Raven hiding within his team. And then he states how even his X-ray vision can't help him against a psionic. What?! Fuck no! You'll have to repeat that one to me a few more times because I thought x-rays could see everything!

Did Superman just slip up and admit he's the enemy?

Clark runs into Cat and he tells her that he's working on a story. But before he can tell her the non-Superman version of how he's following the lead, he has to think to himself, "Hmmm. How do I put this without giving away my full-time gig as Superman? I can't just blurt out I was checking up on Hector Hammond's treatment after Orion and Wonder Woman dispatched his mind to his own body." I was going to paraphrase and then thought I'd better represent Lobdell's writing as is. Was that thought bubble necessary? That's pretty much the basic practice of every super hero that keeps a secret identity. I suppose Jim Shooter would approve so that new readers can understand Clark's predicament here. Plus it'll allow those new readers to catch up and realize that this guy in normal clothes and glasses is actually Superman.

Clark's story he's working on has to do with The Twenty. The Twenty are twenty people that went missing after Brainiac shrunk the city and the city was returned. Apparently people know of them as an Urban Legend and that The Twenty gained super powers. Superman thinks that the horrible character Grymm from one crappy issue of Teen Titans is one of The Twenty and being kept in S.T.A.R. Labs.

Oh yeah! Grymm was one of those loose ends that Lobdell dropped! Now I'm certain that somebody told him to tie up his fucking plot threads hanging all over the place. Tie 'em up or cut 'em off.

Meanwhile back in H.I.V.E., Hector Hammond makes a mistake.

Whoops!

I'm sure his mind will now be free to float about wherever it wants. Once it escapes from the Honeycomb Computer of H.I.V.E., of course, where he's going to be forced to work for Queen Bee. Was gigantic headed Hector Hammond just too silly for modern age comic books? Are we done believing that people from the future will have gigantic heads? Not that Hammond was from the future but he was cursed with the mind of a person from the future!

Actually it was all another illusion provided by the Queen Bee so that she could escape to the levels below and dive in her honeypot filled with the illicit thoughts of all of Metropolis. While bathing in her honey of hubris, she speaks to some "father" figure that will be returning. That's stupid! Queen Bees don't answer to anyone! But I suppose Lobdell can only create tension by bringing up the threat of a new vastly more powerful character appearing later in the story. And then, like Oracle, probably just disappearing without any contribution to the plot.

Superman decides to pay a visit to the now rich Jimmy Olsen who has decided to hire The Avengers' butler, Jarvis, and a fucking stupid maid.

That's a robe, you idiot. And it's Mister Olsen.

Apparently a top DC Editor came down on Lobdell with a note containing many exclamation points which said, "JIMMY FUCKING FUCKING OLSEN'S FUCKING PARENTS CAN'T FUCKING BE FUCKING DEAD YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Because suddenly Jimmy is changing his story to Superman and saying his parents have just gone missing and he's executor of their estate. So his plan seems to be to go through as much of their money as he possibly can before they return. And then a bunch of tubes begin destroying the city.

The tubes seem to be a network of filaments left behind by Brainiac. He also appears to have created The Twenty to his own ends. Queen Bee is one of those and she's trying to prepare Metropolis for Brainiac's return. Why is Brainiac returning? I have no fucking idea. I guess he wants to give another try to finishing his collection of tiny cities. Or maybe the Annual I'd rather not read will explain it.

Superman #22 Rating: No change. Superman was felled by Queen Bee's psionic attack and is now in her clutches. But Queen Bee left Hector Hammond to his own devices when she couldn't control him. So now he's going to go to war against her so that he can take control of her mind/tube network about Metropolis. I suppose Superman can sit this one out and just let them destroy themselves. And probably Metropolis as well but Metropolis is used to death and destruction.