Constantine #6

Fucked.

Last issue, Constantine left his body in a seedy dive in New York called The Joint. Not very responsible of him. Even if he comes back for it, it'll likely have suffered some kind of horrible abuse. I hope he wakes back up with his mouth full of semen and a huge turd on his chest. Constantine's buddy Lloyd is currently watching over it but Lloyd might be slightly pervy himself. Constantine does have a big smoking hole in his chest and, well, how many chances does a shitty dive bar owner get to fuck a dying man in the chest? A dozen, maybe?

Lloyd does call Zatanna because how else do you save the life of a magician ravaged by a demon? Too bad he doesn't have the number for that Demon Nurse whose name I've forgotten.

I just recently learned that Hawaiian Pidgin has the word "da kine" which can be used as a placeholder for any word that you can't remember or possibly don't know. My brain often doesn't allow me to access the word I want even though I know, quite specifically, which word I'm looking for. I've learned to compensate by throwing in a random word so I can just get my thought out. Even though The Non-Certified Spouse is used to this, it can still confuse her. So I should try to remember to use "da kine" from now on! Although what do you replace "da kine" with if you can't remember "da kine"?

As a nearly dead Astral Projection, Constantine encounters his good buddy Chris who is a little bit upset about the way things ended between them. Namely that John used him and left him to die. From what I've seen in movies where people have friends, that sort of thing isn't cool. I guess John was supposed to risk his own life to save his friend's life? Bah! Who needs that kind of pressure?

Meanwhile in Switzerland, some apprentices in The Cold Flame learn they've made a huge mistake.

How do evil organizations keep their membership rosters full? People sign up for this shit of their own free will? "Hey, come join The Cold Flame and have a demon burst out of your stomach, killing you! Don't like that? Well how about being used as sacrifices and getting your heads chopped off? The Cold Flame! Prepared. For life. Which Probably Won't Last Long For Most of You."

The Cold Flame leader, Tannarak, heads to New York with his new dead disciples in demon form and a Paramedic Werewolf. They plan on destroying Constantine's body before he can return to it.

I can't imagine how much shit would go down in pursuit of Constantine's soul. It would be like a fucked up bloody evil naked-demon filled Mahabharata. Hey! I spelled that correctly on my first try! I get a gold cookie.

Now that I'm almost through with this issue and it really hasn't shaken the whimsy loose from the icicles covering my soul, I realize I should have made this issue my first try at reading a comic book all the way through and then discussing it. Oh well. I was busy. I had to sleep about 58 of the last 48 hours away. Probably because I'm an Atheist and live in a world of sadness and despair, and not having anything at all to do with brain chemistry, shitty weather, and a lack of Oreos.

That part about being sad and filled with despair was sarcasm, for those who actually think that's how Atheist's live. Sheesh. We know joy! Just ask my backyard filled with small domesticated animal corpses! Or the bathtub full of their blood in which I soak every night while masturbating onto a crucifix.

Now I'm in the mood to watch horror movies, drink sake, and cry.

I also want to play some fucking board games or role-playing games on a regular basis. I suppose I could find a group to do that with but fuck if I can't stand role-playing with anybody but the friends I've gamed with my entire life. I've always been horrible at meeting new people. I'm one of those people who forgot how to make friends after elementary school. Here's a fun fact: I have four times as many Followers on Tumblr as I have friends on Facebook! And most of my friends on Facebook are relatives!

That's okay, though! The friends I do have are the best people in the world. I don't suffer fools or shallow assholes. If you're a friend of mine, you're a pretty fucking good human being. If you're a friend of mine I've sort of lost contact with, it's because you don't have an online presence! Get with the times, man! Says the guy without a cell phone. Hmm. That might help me remain in contact with people!

Let's pull out of this pathetic nosedive and talk about something else before I get back to John Constantine. I was just looking at some of the links that send traffic to my website (placesandpredators.com, where I house all the scanned pictures) and found a forum called "Fantasy Face-Off". I get a lot of shit traffic to places like this where people argue about which fictional character can beat up which other fictional character. People get really fucking serious about this shit. Generally they hotlink to one of my Superman scans where it mentions he's bench-pressed six times the weight of the Earth while only generating one drop of sweat. Well two days ago, somebody suggested Godzilla versus Superman! And here is the Number One, Gold Medal Response to that match up:

Superman, no contest.
Won't even try and explain why, it's common sense honestly.
I would actually classify this as a mismatch to be truthful.

"It's common sense honestly." "[A] mismatch to be truthful." Well, thanks for being honest about who would so obviously win in this battle! And that guy's name was Reptilian! Race traitor! Man, he can't even take the time to explain his reasons because it's so fucking obvious! IT'S COMMON SENSE, PEOPLE! So that's what common sense is used for! Is this the type of common sense that all hyper-intelligent people lack? The ability to see so fucking clearly why Superman would beat Godzilla? THREAD CLOSED, MOTHERFUCKER! DUE TO COMMON SENSE! BITCH!

But wait! We have other golden responses! Oh, and if you're actually here to find out how Constantine ends, he doesn't die or something. I don't know. I haven't finished it yet. If you're really that interested, go spend $2.99 and find out for yourself. I have a forum about Superman versus Godzilla to read! So let's get back to the other responses!

Swarmlord2012 says,

It depends on what incarnation of Superman and Godzilla you use.

Are there really that many variations of Godzilla? Was there a Kryptonite Breath Godzilla? Because, hey, common sense! I know who wins that one! But what fucking version of Superman is going to convince Reptilian that this isn't a mismatch? Superman on a planet with a red sun? Because Superman is pretty much fucked there, right?

Being that this is the internet, Reptilian's next post discards his first theory in order to simply argue with Swarmlord2012's belief that Final Wars Superman has infinite power. Since this is the internet, having opinions is only fun if you have somebody to argue with. So Reptilian decides to shit all over Superman's possible power level at one time in his comic book history. And then Swarmlord2012 comes back with this bit of fucking amazing:

As far as I'm concerned there is no reason not to assume that Final Wars Godzilla isn't omnipotent.

Holy fucking shit! Final Wars Godzilla is omnipotent!? Or wait. Is that what he said? Who fucking doesn't not write sentences with no positives whatsover?

That's about it for that. The forum discussion really needs a moderator since every new person that joins in decides "it depends on which version of each character" is the only real common sense answer!

Back to Constantine, Lloyd's ass is saved not by Zatanna but by a different person that Constantine has recently pissed off:

Perhaps he thought it over a bit and realized Constantine did help save his life. Or maybe he just wants a chance to fuck Constantine in the chest hole.

Forget Papa Midnite for a second. I couldn't resist! I had to go back to Fantasy Face-off's forums and see what other stupid fucking match-ups they came up with! They have a pure fantasy section with dream match-ups as "Frost Giant versus Cave Troll." Really? Just get out your own fucking dice and Monster Manual and figure it out yourself! You need some deep philosophical plumbing of this match-up to really feel like you've put the matter to rest? I suppose they're discussing specific literary examples of these creatures. But my way is still easier to come up with a winner! Here are some more battles forum users have suggested:

Harry Potter vs. Percy Jackson
Flying Dutchman vs. Black Pearl
Lord Voldemort vs. Sauron
Ceiling Cat vs. The Flying Spaghetti Monster (come on! Take this seriously, assholes! Obviously Ceiling Cat. Common sense)
Aragorn vs. Legolas
Ghost Rider vs. Balgrog
Samson vs. Achilles
Coke vs. Pepsi (this was in the Historical Versus Forum. Now I'm considering match-ups like "Dr. Pepper vs. Hitler" or "Mr. Pibb vs. Genghis Khan")

Let me take a time out from listing match-ups. I'll get back to it because this shit fascinates me. Not who can beat up whom. But that people actually care about working this shit out. Here's a quote from Epicness about how tired he is having to read people talk about "people in armor being as mobile as stones and katanas cleaving through other swords":

Yea...people need to do theor research before they have a discussion about it! That's why i love this forum. Nobody bases their votes on who they like more. We actually have brains!

Wow! This must be the definitive forum for face-off results! Maybe I'll think up some match-ups for them!

Pippi Longstockings vs. Anne of Green Gables
Anne of Green Gables vs. Laura Ingalls
Harriet the Spy vs. Dorothy Gale
Superman vs. Huck Finn
Johnny Truant vs. Charles Kinbote
Charles Kinbote vs. Professor V. Botkin
Pelafina Lievre vs. Ma Joad
Kilgore Trout vs. John Yossarian
Tom Joad vs. Tom Bombadill
Randle MacMurphy vs. Strider

You get the point. Let's finish this comic book, bitches!

Constantine and Papa Midnite come to some sort of agreement as to why Papa should save Constantine's life. Meanwhile, Tannarak discovers John Constantine's home by continually repeating "Mystic Symbols" in Old Portugese [sic]. So Constantine lives again. He's made a tentative kind of peace with Papa Midnite. And Tannarak of the Cold Flame has discovered all of John's mystic treasures. Be with us next time for "A Poor Start in John's Pet Store Apartment" or "Brother Mage you spare a dime?".

Constantine #6 Rating: No change. I'm not exactly sure why I was so distracted that it took me three sittings to finish reading this comic book. Maybe I need to read a bunch of old comics for awhile before I jump back in to commenting on The New 52. Or maybe I should go outside and reconnect to the world! I wonder if anybody wants to go get drunk with me in some open air patio somewhere?