Batman: The Dark Knight #22

James Gordon might turn on his own daughter, Batgirl, but he'll never go against Batman! How dare this cover suggest as much? If I had any sensibilities, they would be offended right now. Not having sensibilities and not knowing how to be offended, I'm not even sure if the previous sentence made any kind of sense. People often think that being offended is equal to thinking critically. But it's not. Thinking critically is equal to thinking critically. Telling somebody that you are offended is a bit of a power play; it paints the offender as a bully and the offended as a victim. I feel like stating you're offended is superfluous. I'd rather just hear the reasons why, stated rationally and succinctly. Then instead of feeling put on the defensive by an accusation, I can respond in the proper manner. Sometimes that response will be "Fuck you!" and sometimes that response will be "Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize that my dick was out."

Sometimes I wish that I could begin a serious thought and not have it devolve into silliness. But I do so because I'm afraid that if I actually say something serious, somebody might disagree with me and point out, rationally and logically, that what I just said was an utter load of bullshit. Then I would be called on to defend myself and my ideas! But if I say something serious and then follow it up with pure slapstick, my response can simply be, "I was joking!" And then I can wipe the sweat from my brow and write in my diary, "August 3rd, 2013. Whew. That was a close one."

Speaking of diaries, my friends Doom Bunny and Upright have a great Monkey's Paw style story about reading someone's diary! Since they've told it to me, I think it's fair that I can pass it on because it's a great Cautionary Tale. In high school, Upright was dating this girl that I will call Rosy Akelson. She was beginning to get a bit distant and Upright thought that maybe he could find out why by reading her diary. He knew how to get into her bedroom through the window, so he and Doom Bunny went by one day to break in and read the diary. Now Doom Bunny was good friends with Rosy and he had a huge crush on her. So he was hoping to read some juicy details on how she felt about him, seeing as how they hung out quite a bit when Upright wasn't around. So they climbed into her bedroom and took out the diary. In it, Rosy described how she was feeling less and less for Upright and how she had a huge crush on a guy named Curtis. Page after page was just more about Curtis and less about Upright. His great high school true love relationship was on the rocks and getting rockier! The diary had done nothing but make his feelings worse. And it was no better for Doom Bunny, for there was nary a mention of his name throughout the whole diary. They put the diary away and left, dejected and broken. It was probably only because of their friendship with me that they could continue on with any semblance of a happy life.

That was a Monkey Paw story not because there was a monkey paw anywhere in it but because it was a be careful what you wish for kind of a thing! If Upright or Doom Bunny read this, they'll probably tell me I got the entire story wrong. But the moral is the important part, not the particulars! And what is the moral? "If you're a soccer coach for young kids, don't wrestle with them."

Hold on a second. James Gordon has something he wants to say.

Gordon is having a Synchronicity II moment. He knows that something somewhere has to break. And now Clayface has reared his ugly head. Or somebody else's ugly head. Apparently the last time Batman captured Clayface in Wayne Towers, it didn't take. But then when does anybody remain in Arkham? That place doesn't have a revolving door; it's got ejector cells.

Gordon has arrived at a jewelry store robbery gone wrong. Police showed up in the middle of the heist and the robbers took the store's security guard hostage. Jim negotiates a trade with Clayface's gang; they release the guard and Jim heads in. Once inside, he pulls the guns taped to his back and begins killing crooks. Damn. Somebody get the Commissioner inside Arkham before he regains his sanity! I don't mean put him in Arkham because he's crazy. I mean put him in Arkham because he's willing to kill the fucking crazies!

But then old sour sop wanders in from the shadows, as per usual.

Okay, which one is Clayface?

Turns out Gordon is Clayface. Of course! You didn't think Jim Gordon would really have had the nerve to go into a dangerous situation before talking it over with Batman, did you? So naive! After Batman dodges the bullet, he punches Gordon in the face causing clay and bats to fly across the room. Don't ask me why Clayface is full of bats! It's probably a metaphor for something that I'm too stupid to figure out.

Clayface manages to slip down a drain in the floor without completely clogging it up. He's acting a bit more like The Sandman than Clayface. I think in the amount of time it would take Clayface to jam himself into the drain, Batman could have kicked him in the face at least thirteen dozen times. But this is a comic book and you just can't get believable depictions of clay men slipping into three inch drainage holes. Once Clayface disappears through the floor, Batman does his disappearing act as well and begins to wonder who Clayface is now disguised as. It's like the crappiest shell game in Gotham.

I wonder if Batman breaks up shell games and Three Card Monte hucksters? I bet he just plays them and wins every time, forcing them to move to Metropolis where they just get their asses handed to them by Clark Kent.

The real Commissioner Gordon is the one creating all of the Narration Boxes seen at the beginning but overlaid on Commissioner Clayface. Gordon is tied to a chair and chained to the floor in a broken down community theater. While realizing that at no point does one ever give up in Gotham, he discovers a flood light and a bunch of bats. Isn't that lucky! Now all he has to do is grab a bat with his teeth, slap it onto the flood light, chew through the chain at his feet, roll across the floor and down the stairs to the basement, find the power fuses, flip the switch with his tongue, wake up hours later after recovering from being electrocuted, hop up the steps while still tied to the chair, plug in the flood light, and cry as the bat signal shines mockingly against the ceiling above.

While Gordon works on his plan, Batman and Alfred have a minor therapy session.

I don't know what he's paying you, Pennyworth, but it isn't enough.

Gordon's Papier Mâché bat is pretty terrible but once he slaps it on the floodlight and turns it on, it does the trick. Batman follows the signal to its source like a good domesticated bat and rescues Gordon. But Gordon is such a dedicated cop, he wants to stick around and investigate Clayface's hideout even with the danger of Clayface returning. Does this guy ever take any time off? They find a bunch of old posters for Basil Karlo's Master of Disguise Act and some wigs and fake mustaches. So that's how Clayface does it! It's just special effects and movie makeup! What a genius.

Batman and Gordon leave with Old Woman Clayface watching from outside with her bag of jewels. Clayface has escaped for now! And I have nothing at all witty to say about it. Especially since the woman at the end might not actually be Clayface and I wouldn't want to insult her by pointing out she looks like a zombie that the cat drug in and spat up a hairball on.

Batman: The Dark Knight #22 Rating: No change. This was a pretty decent one shot about Gordon and his resourcefulness and inner strength and shitty Papier Mâché bat making skills. At the end when Batman rescues Gordon, he smashes the Bat Signal first thing and tells him he doesn't want Clayface to know they're there. But in reality, he's just smashing it so people all over Gotham don't get stupid ideas about making their own bat signals and driving him nutty. I could have used a synonym for nutty there that would have been more apt but what do you think this is? A Flash comic book? Batman is no place for punning.