Batman Annual #2

Hey look! Extra Batman this month! Boner! I mean Bonus!

I'm all caught up on The New 52's regular issues and now just have the five July Annuals left to read. But I'm in no hurry to read them or write commentary for them. Next month with five Wednesdays, I'm going to call for Guest Commentaries to do the annuals for me! Wouldn't that be fun, kids?

This story is by Scott Snyder and Marguerite Bennett and written by Marguerite Bennett. What that means is Scott Snyder said, "Have fun coming up with this story, Marguerite Bennett!" and DC slapped his name on the cover so snooty fan boys wouldn't snoot their noses up at a non-Scott Snyder Batman book.

Did anybody else just learn that you could use snoot as an actual verb? "My cat snooted our guests because my cat is a snooty dick who snoots." Batman also loves to snoot. As does Alfred Pennyworth. Batman is always snooting criminals, "You realize I'm better than you, right? Dumb dumb criminal doody heads." And Alfred totes snoots everybody about the tea they drink because most people can't brew tea that cures broken bones and internal bleeding.

Let's catch up on the comic book, shall we? This is going to be a speed commentary because fuck you, DC! Reading annuals is beneath me! Snoot on that!

I actually don't mind reading annuals but I definitely don't like the extra aggravation they're causing me and my writing schedule! So I'm really not going to spend much time on these things. Except maybe Superman with Scott Lobdell because I've got some really great jokes where I call him a cunt!

This comic book is about an orderly working his first night at Arkham Asylum! So why didn't the cover read, "Night Nurse: Arkham!" Oh, probably because "Night Nurse" is a trademark of Marvel! The new night nurse is getting the grand tour before work starts.

I hope that's a euphemism for her butt-hole!

How come butt-holes do the grossest thing that anybody can think about another person doing and yet they're so awesome to look at? It's one of God's greatest mysteries!

I'm sorry to disappoint all of you but what she meant by "Hall of Fame" was Super Villain Row down in the sublevels of Arkham where Batman's most famous enemies are held. Here, I'll make it up to you with an ASCII butt-hole: (*)

And deep down in Arkham, Eric the Night Nurse catches a far off glimpse of the oldest resident in Arkham: The Anchoress! And then later that night, Batman is admitted! Oh noes! What could he have done?! Did Jimmothy Gordon finally realize Batman is a crazy motherfucker?!

The inside of Arkham is built like a penis approaching a butt-hole!

Batman is actually in Arkham to test the new Penis/Butt-hole Wing and see if he can break out of it. And if he can, he can suggest improvements. Although I already know how to break out! You bribe a fucking guard and you're free! Here's my suggestion on how to improve security: pay your guards better wages with great health benefits!

I wonder if Eric the Night Nurse is going to become a new Batman villain?!

The first improvement of the Penis/Butt-hole Wing is that there are no guards to bribe! Good show, Jeremiah Arkham! Tally-hopscotch and what not! So Batman removes the big wad of bills he snuck in in his butt-hole because they won't be any use and they'll just slow him down. Next, he's inserted a tiny vial full of acid into one of his heavy calluses on his primary masturbation hand! Oh! Good show, Batman! I could probably sneak in twenty vials! Batman uses the acid to melt the bars and escape the first cell!

Next Batman steps on some pressure sensitive plates that raise an alarm. But he points out that everybody in Gotham owns a Bat-Grapple, so they could just swing over the plates. Motion sensors cause Batman to get sprayed by sticky foam that hardens and pins him to the ground. But he points out that if the inmate trying to escape was The Scarecrow and Man-Bat and Killer Croc, he would have been able to outwit all of the defenses so far!

Apparently Batman has made it to the Penis in the middle.

While Batman proves that he's the most amazing person in any room he enters, Eric the Night Nurse wanders off to speak with The Anchoress. He's a bit shocked at what he finds.

Eric! Dude! My Who's Who says there is nobody named The Anchoress! This is an interview test to see if you're right for the job! Don't feel empathy for her and don't free her or you'll lose the job, stupid face! It's so obvious! The old lady locked in the supply closet is the oldest interview trick in the book!

Eric the Night Nurse, about to become Eric the Unemployed, asks The Anchoress why she's locked up in Arkham. Because she's crazy! Sheesh, Eric. You're not the brightest screwdriver on the playground.

The Anchoress hates The Batman because he turned Akrham Ayslum into Arkham's Home for Super Duper Crazy Monsters and now nobody has tried to help her in a very long time. So now she's leaving her cell to go give Batman a good solid case of what-for!

Her super power is "quantum tunneling" if you know what I mean. I mean she can phase through solid objects.

The Anchoress traps Batman and begins to explain why she wants revenge when Batman tells her that he remembers her and takes over telling the story. That's a bold move, Batman! Interrupting an elderly person telling a story! But it will probably pay off because you're admitting to remembering her! And there's nothing old people like better than being thought of! And maybe hard candies.

See! One chance left! Batman had better hope he has some hard candies in his utility belt!

The Anchoress quantum tunnels straight up Batman's temporal lobe and sends him into a cage inside the sanctuary of his memories. He is doomed to remember the most tragic moments of his life, the death of his parents and his "brother" and his son, over and over and over again.

I once was trapped in a repeating memory over and over and over until it felt like I was in an inescapable hell! Here's some helpful advice: never try falling asleep watching All the President's Men while coming down on acid. You end up stuck spiraling deeper and deeper into the convolutions of the movie's plot until you're temporarily driven insane. I believe it was the insanity that gave me the respite to finally fall asleep.

Eric the Night Nurse helps save Batman and then he helps save The Anchoress when Batman has the advantage over her later. And Eric the Night Nurse gets the job! I guess I would have failed the interview! I'm just not cut out to help people unless it involves laughing at Scott Lobdell's expense.

Batman Annual #2: Fucking great annual! If it had been titled "Eric the Night Nurse"! Eric the Night Nurse is an optimistic bitch that thinks Arkham Asylum can actually turn itself around and help the insane inmates instead of being a temporary cage for them until the next time they break free. But he'll learn! Arkham Asylum will break him before he can break it! Just ask Doctor Harleen Quinzel!