Nightwing #23

Why is there an indoor arena Jumbovision screen hanging over an outside ballpark? Are they playing BASEketball?

For any readers out there that suffer from migraines, here's a tip to help recover that you won't hear from a doctor. You don't need any medication. Get a nice big towel. Spread it out on the bed in a dark, cool, quiet room. Lie back on the towel. Get as relaxed as the pain will allow. Then masturbate. The blood will move from your head and you'll likely pass out immediately afterward. You'll wake up feeling refreshed and better than you've ever felt. That feeling better than ever isn't a side effect of the masturbation. It's that feeling that all migraine sufferers know very well. It's the feeling of once again not feeling like porcupines are wrestling behind your eyeballs. It's the feeling of a second chance at normalcy!

That was serious advice. Seriously. Of course that's just the way to take care of a migraine once you have one. The only way to stop getting migraines once and for all is to take a good, long look at your life and figure out what is best for you. Most migraines are caused by people trying to adapt to society's normal forty hour nine to five work week. I'm an owl as opposed to a lark and trying to be a lark resulted in severe migraines a few times a month. But once I quit any semblance of a day job and have not used any sort of alarm clock for the last eight years or so, I only get migraines when I don't eat properly and really fuck up my sleep schedule. That means maybe once or twice a year now. Although I do still suffer from the occasional sinus headache. But those are a fucking relief compared to migraines. In my current life, I live by the words of Giles Goat Boy: "Fatigue was my only curfew, sufficient rest my one alarm." It fucking works like a charm.

So you're welcome for the migraine cure information. If you try it and it works, drop me a note about your experience. A very, very, very detailed note. With diagrams.

I'm like a one member Council for the Utility of Masturbation. I wanted to call my council "The Council for the Efficacy of Masturbation" because it sounds better. But the other name had a better acronym.

So Nightwing. He's still in fucking Chicago. Hey?! Nightwing! Get the fuck out of Chicago! You're boring in Chicago and Batgirl isn't in Chicago and she's really vulnerable right now because a guy she's been dating just stumbled and fell into a refrigerator, so you should go console her!

Oh. I see. You're already working on a redhead. Go on. This seems a bit more urgent. And more likely to end in bed.

What are the odds that the woman in danger is a redhead? Pretty good, actually. With all the anarchy about Chicago, Nightwing probably had to begin doing some triage. And the first people that need his help? Redheads! Preferably female. And between twenty and thirty six. Older than that and things might get a little Oedipal. Although Dick is being so flippant about this life and death situation, I can't imagine she's going to thank him very enthusiastically.

Nightwing: "Are you shaking from pure terror or are you just happy to see me?"
Danielle: "I nearly fucking died while you cracked jokes, you asshole!"
Nightwing: "What's a hot redhead like you almost dying in a place like this?"
Danielle: "Fuck off!"
Nightwing: "Have you seen what these tights do for my ass?"
Danielle: "Oh, what the hell. There's a motel just down the block."

Forget what I said. Apparently Danielle loves flippant assholes who lack any sense of urgency.

After saving Danielle, Nightwing informs her that he's kind of busy right now and the fantastic oral sex and weird anal bat toys will have to be enjoyed at a later date. Right now, he needs to find The Prankster and save Chicago! Dick heads back up the building to interrogate one of The Prankster's men.

It's nice to see Nightwing can fight crime in such a lighthearted manner when Chicago is practically burning down around his balls and he's hunting the man that murdered his parents.

The alternative to Nightwing joking and being happy is fucking Batman and who needs more of that sourpuss? Batman's secret identity should be Admiral Sourpuss of the H.M.S. Buzzkill.

While Chicago is falling apart, the local news decides it's in its viewers' best interests to report on the long ago murder of The Flying Graysons.

Holy fuck! Dick Grayson is HUNG!

Meanwhile Dick finds out that his roommate has been kidnapped by The Prankster and taken aboard a boat. Not Joey the Computer Whiz bombshell roommate; Michael the photographer stud muffin roommate. Does Nightwing ever meet anybody unattractive that doesn't work for Haly's Circus?

And the revelations just keep coming! Not capital "R" revelations because that one just comes the one time and then look the fuck out! Flying horses on fire and corpses looking for work. No, this is a small "r" revelation and it's made by Tony Zucco's wife when she realizes that she's married to an ex-hitman dickfaced piece of shit mother fucking slimeball.

This is the face Tony Zucco makes when he's not sorry he did it all; he's just sorry he got caught.

Don't ever ask that stupid ass question of anybody. Of course they're only sorry that they got caught. It's why they were trying to hide the stupid ass shit. Because they didn't want to get caught. If they were truly sorry about what they did, they would have begun trying to make amends. But if they haven't begun trying to make amends, then you can be nearly certain that they're only sorry because they were caught. Stop asking stupid questions, people.

Oh, you're just wasting your breath. I already told him this last commentary.

Apparently Tony Zucco believes he knows who The Prankster is. I hope it isn't anybody I know since I haven't guessed who it is and I'll be really embarrassed when it turns out to be totes obvious.

Back in Chicago, Nightwing sort of quotes the only line anybody remembers from Jaws besides, "OH MY FUCKING GOD IT HURTS!"

I wonder how many times per day, somebody says, "We're going to need a bigger X"? Where 'X' is whatever noun fits the situation. "We're going to need a bigger babysitter!" Or "We're going to need a bigger tube of lubrication." Or "We're going to need a bigger shark!"

After Nightwing rescues Michael and everybody else on the sinking boat, Tony Zucco shows up to offer Nightwing a deal. They're going to have to pull their resources because Zucco knows about The Prankster and Nightwing has a nice ass. It's either work together or watch Chicago burn.

You know, I'm really not going to be upset no matter what Nightwing's decision is.

Nightwing #23 Rating: No change. Nightwing never did get crucified by the end of this thing. In fact, he never even encountered The Prankster. So I'm feeling a little ripped off by the cover. It's not the worst sin DC has ever committed but since it's the current sin that I'm experiencing, it sure as hell feels like it! Y'all are a bunch of crucifixion teases, DC!