Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Phantom Stranger #11

Doesn't Deadman have a job? Is he on sabbatical from the Rama Kushna?

It's that time of the month, kids! Bible Study Day! Learning about The Bible can be fun if it's in comic book form and you don't realize you're actually learning about The Bible! Sometimes it's also fun to sing songs and go to Bible Camp during your formative years with lots of other really randy teenagers of both sexes! You get to sing about Jesus and grope your first booby! Or get your first booby groped! Maybe both! Back in the seventies, the ultimate goal was probably to get a little under the shirt action. But I bet the big goal in Bible Camp these days is anal!

Should we have a refresher on what we've learned about The Bible previously in The Phantom Stranger? Judas betrayed Christ which was bad for some reason. Normally I'd know why it's bad; you don't want to be a dick going around snitching on your friends. But this was a special case which I think didn't make it bad at all even though he was punished horribly for it. See, Jesus needed to be crucified because the whole Goddamned plan (I think I'm using "Goddamned" literally here!) was for Jesus to die for everyone's sins! But how could he die if he never got caught, hmm? Yeah! Somebody had to play the bad guy. So Judas should be thanked! But I suppose the thing the Wizards were angry about was that Judas didn't know he was helping so that constitutes doing a bad thing. But if we look a little deeper then that means Judas was manipulated by God and who the fuck can defend against that?! I'm fairly certain if I had been Judas's lawyer, I could have gotten the case thrown out of court.

What else have we learned? Heaven is full of people being deluded into thinking they're with their loved ones but they're really just surrounded by simulacra. That sounds like a bullshit heaven. I think that vision of Heaven was described in The Gospel of Luke.

Another part of the story we learned was that Pandora let loose all the evil in the world. That must have been in Genesis somewhere.

And finally, God is a talking Scottish Terrier. Amen.

This month we begin by learning a little bit about Heaven's Basement.

It's disgusting.

Heaven's Basement is like an orgy breaking out during a food fight in a shitty Italian Restaurant. The patrons are displeased with the food so they try to feed off the delicious life force of Batman and Katana. Instead they suck down a couple pints of Boston Brand and all pass out. It may be one of the dumbest chapters of The Bible I've ever read. And that's saying something!

I'm not sure why these members of the group ended up in Heaven's Basement but I have learned why Batman wants to get into Heaven: he needs to speak with Doctor Light about how he died. Really, Batman? Is that why you really want to get into heaven? I call bullshit! The only reason you're even bringing it up and allowing yourself to believe it's true is a chance to see Damian! Admit it, you emotionally stunted donkey! Whatever Batman's reasons, The Phantom Stranger agrees to journey to Heaven even though he was just warned last issue to never show his face there again. He decides Deadman and Katana should come with them because they're both familiar with death. I bet he also believes that Katana's sword might be able to kill an angel if Zauriel ends up coming after him.

Next they wind up in Sesame Street Heaven. I think this description is found in the Apocryphal Book of James.

I bet Zauriel, being an angel, has to forgive The Phantom Stranger for not listening to him. Or maybe The Stranger was just warned to stay out of his wife's heaven only.

Tatsu disappears into a nice Japanese garden heaven where her husband Maseo awaits her. They skip the picnic and get right to the fucking. I wonder if God gets pissed off when people enter Heaven and their ideal of Heaven is having children service their every pleasure? If that's what they believe, God has to provide it for them, right? That's the model that's been set up! Perhaps simply by believing that would be Heaven, they're banished to Hell! But Hell is also of their own making! So if they only believe that both Heaven and Hell let you have sex with children, they can trick the system! I bet God would make a personal house call to Lucifer at that point and shake his gigantic, universe-sized finger at him and say, "NO!"

Stranger, stop being creepy.

The Stranger interruptus the coitus and banishes Maseo to some other nether realm. Or Maseo's simulacrum. Or the Spaghetti Monster pretending to be Maseo. After "rescuing" Katana, they go in search of Batman. They find him hanging out with his parents at Christmas while his father reads Bleak House to him. Deadman arrives because he knows his way around Heaven having been dead for many years. He gathers up the others and they tromp off across the clouds to find Doctor Light.

Isn't passing on your super powers to your loved ones cheating somehow? What if his wife doesn't want to be Doctor Light?

Batman sure does roll with the fucking punches, doesn't he? "Oh, heaven exists? Cool. I can spend time with my parents here? Sweet! We can bring people back to life? Awesome!" But it doesn't look like it's going to happen. That last speech bubble probably belongs to Zauriel who's going to put a stop to this whole stupid excursion.

Which he does in a pretty fantastic fashion. He puts Doctor Light back in his Heaven Coma. He transports Batman, Katana, and Deadman back to Earth. And then he strikes down The Phantom Stranger with his flaming sword, setting him free from his cursed unlife. Or undeath. Whatever.

The Phantom Stranger #11 Rating: No change. I don't think I learned anything applicable to The Bible in this book. Mostly because I'm pretty sure Batman isn't in The Bible. Although that would make it much better.

1 comment:

  1. Dude if Batman was indeed in the bible, then yes, it really would be that much better;)