Superboy #23

Oh fuck me. Two Superboys? I'm beginning to think I spent my twenties incorrectly and I really should have overdosed on Psilocybin.

Look at these idiots. Superboy can't throw a punch but it doesn't matter since Superboy also can't block a punch! I'm also fairly certain, with my intense knowledge of real world physics, that heat vision would not block heat vision. It's not like two trains barreling down the same track and smashing head-on into each other. Unless it is. I wonder if two Superboys staring into each other's eyes and blasting out some X-rays would be like a super collider? Also, how does Superboy's vision powers work? It's not like eyes emit anything! They just accept light into them. What's going in in the Kyrptonian physiology that's allowing for their eyeballs to blast out heat and x-rays and small, furry mammals? That's a power, right? Superman's Gerbil Vision? I'm pretty sure it's canon except Supes is just too embarrassed to use it.

The Kryptonians must have a special organ located behind the eyes that allows for emitting shit from them. But if that's so (and it has to be! I've watched enough House and Trapper John, M.D., and Doogie Howser to know all about biology and medicine!), why don't Kryptonians have these special eyeball powers on Krypton? Wouldn't Superboy be blind every time he was blasting shit out of his eyes? I suppose with his x-ray vision, he's not emitting any particles but somehow simply seeing on the ass end of the light spectrum. But somebody's going to have to explain to me how this Heat Vision works. I don't need an explanation of his Gerbil Vision because I can simply accept powers that I fucking love to death.

Last issue, Superboy was getting attacked by monsters. And by monsters, I mean high school students. And by high school students, I mean monsters that actually turned into physical monsters. I think this was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Or maybe three different episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Possibly the entire first three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

This issue begins with bestiality!

Pretty soon, Superboy learns the most painful truth of high school: he was the true monster all along.

Also the girl that was invisible to everybody. She was the mostest biggerester monster of them all!

The lesson so far is that if you don't play high school politics, or you can't fit into a social clique, or you've never been good at making friends and spend most of your time in isolation, you're fucking up the high school experience for everybody else! Nobody wants to see you wandering down the hall with your binder pressed to your bosom and your eyes cast down on the floor, hurrying from class to class just trying not to be noticed. They don't want to be reminded of how they all feel on the inside by your total lack of ability to hide your insecurities and flaws. Stop bringing everybody else down, you monster! Smile! Make friends! Join a club! Run for Student Body! Just stop being picked on and bullied because nobody likes you, you monster!

Go get that fucking bitch, Superboy!

Does Krypto have "supersniffer" powers? How the fuck do you think he got to Earth? He followed Superman's crotch molecules from Krypton to Earth by way of The Phantom Zone! If he can't find this High School Monster immediately, I'm going to write Justin Jordan a strongly worded email about how he doesn't know shit about The New 52 Continuity and he's fucking up everything by not understanding Krypto's power levels!

I wonder who would win in a fight? Krypto or The Incredible Hulk? I should send that one in to Fantasy Face-Off!

Have I mentioned that the movie Face-Off is only one of two movies I've ever fallen asleep during in a theater? That's one fucking confusing movie to wake up in the middle of!

Krypto tracks down the Mousy Brown-Eyed Monster in just one page! Good thing because I really didn't want to have to lambast Justin Jordan after he had to work closely with Scott Lobdell for a couple of months. He's already had the worst year imaginable, I imagine! Justin Jordan also decides to make the "Superbark" canon. Now if he'd only make the Super Dogfart Canon, he'd be my hero for the amount of time before I completely forget that he was my hero.

Actually, I'm pretty sure lack of thumbs is absolutely an excuse not to be able to open a door.

California used to have billboards which read, "She said she's eighteen is no excuse." Actually, it kind of is, isn't it? I actually know someone that has had his life fucked in pretty amazing ways due to statutory rape laws. He's been labeled a sex offender for dating a seventeen year old woman online and then meeting her and having sex with her. I don't know whether he knew how old she was or not, and if he did, well, he should have known better. But the system also should know better and deal with these things case by case. He is now a sex offender. Exactly the same as child molesters and rapists. Even though he had sex with a consenting "adult". I understand why statutory rape laws exist. Because adults can and do corrupt and manipulate youths. But the age of consent is such a fabricated boundary that there are apt to be cases that blur the law's belief that these things are black and white. The woman's parents pressed charges against him, just as they'd pressed charges against two other men previously. And I believe he did jail time and mandatory therapy where he was treated as if he had to deal with his urges to have sex with children. Which he doesn't have. But, you know, sex offender!

Believe it or not, law, sometimes adults (especially nerdy, overweight, socially incompetent adults) can be manipulated by people half their age. But then this is just one example of why I can't stand the American Justice System. Because it has never been, and will never be, about justice. The majority of it is just about producing a false sense of security so that the middle class can feel that their HDTVs are safe from crackheads.

Let's get back to the "That's no excuse!" thing! I fucking can't stand when people say that and I would nearly lose my mind when I heard teachers using it in junior high and high school. "I don't want excuses." "That's not a reason; it's an excuse." "NO EXCUSES!" What they were all basically saying was, "I don't believe life happens to anybody so you'd better just get your shit together no matter what and do whatever the fuck it is I wanted you to do." Because even if you had a reason for being late or not turning in an assignment or dripping blood all over the floor from the knife wound in your side, they were never reasons to teachers! They were always excuses! Like everybody was just trying to get one over on them all the time and they weren't going to be fucking fooled by these asshole kids! I wish I could yell so loudly that it would time travel and blast every fucking teacher who ever said that to me right in the fucking face. I'm going to try. Here it goes! "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!"

I hope it worked! I'll probably have to apologize to all the neighbors tomorrow.

Back to Krypto crashing through the door, he comes flying back out through the wall on the next page. Because the Mousy Monster of McDuffie High has turned into Superboy #1!

Or something. I really don't know where this Superboy came from or why he's here or what he has to do with this High School. Maybe he was also undercover doing some detective work!

Superboy and Superboy end up by Little Miss Individualistic keeping watch over knocked out Doctor Psycho (who is surprisingly not very psycho). Bad Boy Superboy threatens her and that's when Superboy makes that realization I realized he was going to make earlier about how he's the True Monster. He's actually the only Superboy in the room, so now he has to stop punching things and begin thinking about things. Where did the Mousy Monster go? How is she involved in this? How is he going to get to second base with Eliza?

And by finally taking a moment to Instagram the entire mess so he can post it on Facebook with a caption of "WTF? LOL!", he figures out who is behind all of the hallucinations he's been having which have caused him to act like a monster. And it's not little invisible nobody at school likes me Shift. I mean, it's partially her. She's the person I think Superboy is supposed to find and help before H.I.V.E. could get her. No, the person behind even her is a guy I'm actually really happy to see!

At least his New 52 outfit is a better upgrade than Brother Blood's.

Superboy #23 Rating: +3 Ranking. Why is Superboy fighting everybody with "psycho" in their names? Why is he dealing with all of the psionics? I'm starting to believe this comic book is entering Steppenwolf territory. Did Superboy wander into a magic theater at some point? Is all of this just a journey through his inner psyche to learn who he actually is? That would actually be pretty fucking cool but I have a feeling it's all going to fall apart because Justin Jordan has walked off this title.

Looking up reasons for his departure, I stumbled upon an interview with him when he first took on the title.

Newsarama: Justin, I'm going to ask for some specifics right up front, because you've been telling people (including me a few months ago) that you're taking the Superboy book in a new direction. We saw the first issue, which was pretty action-packed. But as you move forward with this storyline, what does "new direction" mean?

Justin Jordan: Less Harvest and H’El for one thing. [Laughs.]

Ha ha ha! I see you winking at us all with that comment, Justin! I see what that wink means. It says, "Scott Lobdell writes the shittiest shit in a town that decided against naming itself Shitsville because they didn't want to frighten away the tourists." You the man, Justin!