Friday, August 30, 2013

Legion of Super-heroes #23

I'm already forgetting all of their names! Yay! More open memory!

It's time to say a fond farewell to the Legion of Super-heroes! So long, guys! It was nice knowing you! Don't let the door hit Uranus on the way out!

That was a space joke! I'm really good at space jokes!

What did the American astronaut say to the Russian astronaut?
Speak English, motherfucker!

I just made that up! I bet I can make up some time travel jokes too!

How many time travelers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why? The light bulb doesn't need changing!

Maybe I should get serious seeing that Brainiac is looking a little bit depressed. Maybe I should take a personal moment to say goodbye to each Legionnaire.

Polar Bear, as the least of the Legionnaires, I hardly knew you. Now, I'd never say this in front of other people so as not to be as insensitive as that fucking cunt Dorothy Gale, but I'll miss you the most. You have the ability to drop temperatures to Absolute Zero like nothing else in the universe. Literally! You'll probably be useless now without Sun Boy because I'm pretty sure both of your powers break some Law of Thermodynamics unless you somehow steal energy from each other. Maybe you can get a job making ice cubes for some Space Truck Stop somewhere. Hey, if you see Invisible Kid around (ha ha! Get it?!), tell him I thought he was pretty cool even though he was French.

Dreamy Girl, you were the most inadvertently sexy of all the Legionnaires. Even when you're doing a Naltorian Farewell, you make my dick hard. Look at you! Why are you kissing your middle finger like that?! I suppose I'm going to feel bad thinking of you as Wet Dream Girl from here on out because your man was killed in The Fatal Five's attack. But let's face it: it was his own stupid fault. He had the power of density and he couldn't make the rubble that fell on him less dense? Or made his head more dense? That's just poor training on his part. I'm also not sure just how useful you were to the team, what with not knowing if you had a premonition or a dream. And also how you'd have to take a nap to be of any use. But you added to the cheesecake and what's more important to the comic book fandom than cheesecake?

Sensor Girl, I just met you last issue and judging by your costume, I'm really sorry you weren't around more. But why would you be? What the fuck is your super power? "Manipulate Sensory Information?" Can anybody really trust you? Does your cleavage really look like that or are you fucking with my sight? Can I touch them to see if they're real? Oh wait. That wouldn't tell me anything because touch is sensory information as well! You might not even be humanoid! You know what? I don't trust you even though you look fucking fantastic and I'm ruining my chances of sleeping with you by not trusting you. But holy fuck I can just imagine being fucked by you! Manipulate my sensory information already!

Wow! I'm off to a good start treating all the females like sex objects! But what do you expect? I'm in a stable, loving, sexually fulfilling relationship. When I see an attractive female, I don't think, "I sure would like to get to know her and see what she's like and where life takes us!" I don't think, "I wonder if we'd have intellectually stimulating conversations over coffee and pancakes!" I think, "My penis is intrigued!" Monogamists of both sexes are the greatest perpetrators of sexual objectification there are! They're happy and fulfilled in their relationship but they're still going to be sexually attracted to other people. They just aren't going to act on it which means they don't give a shit about getting to know a person who turns them on so they just see a body that they think might be a fun night to romp around on. Thinking sexy thoughts is not wrong! Especially when Paul Levitz never gave me a chance to think sexy thoughts while pretending I actually like Sensor Girl's personality!

Although I love everything about Emerald Empress! She's my dream girl! Don't tell Vampire Tig!

Colossal Boy! Have we met? There are just so many Boys, Girls, Lads, and Lasses, how am I supposed to keep you all straight? I don't remember making any giant dick jokes during this series, so I have a feeling if you appeared anywhere, it was only for the briefest of moments. You must be the most useless Legionnaire when battling aboard a space ship. Although when you need a good prank, you're the guy I'd call! I wonder how many Legionnaires have walked out of their apartments in the morning to see a gigantic shit on their space ship? I have to ask: can you also shrink? Because if you can grow and then shrink back down to normal, how do your powers know when to stop the shrinking? Or is it just like getting an erection? You sort of puff up and then when you release your power, you shrink back down to normal. Although now I get the feeling you shrivel up in the cold.

Oh Ultra Boy! Your power is such a gimmick! How sad to have powers equal to a Daxamite but the ability to just use one at a time! Did you know the other Legionnaires call you "One Hit Wonder" behind their backs? No? Well, maybe it's just me. But I bet at least one of them does! Weren't you having sex with Tinya Wazoo? Do you ever think of her name and just laugh while you're going at it? I bet she laughs thinking about how "having an erection" makes you lose the ability to do anything else! I'll probably miss you least of all because I really got sick of how you had to shout, "Have to time this just right!" every time you switched powers. Go douse yourself in radiation so maybe you can get a new power that you can use with one of your other powers. You're the worst.

Brainiac Five. The Fifth Brainiac in the series. "I'm sorry. The User Name 'Brainiac' is already chosen. Might I suggest 'Brainiac Five'?" Have you fixed that Flashpoint Paradox yet? For somebody with 12th Level Super-Intelligence, you haven't actually gotten much done in this series. I do understand why you're usually so standoffish though. It's so hard for people like us to communicate with people with lower than Level 7 Normal Intelligence. And you've got Super Intelligence! And I bet the scale is exponential. Or logarithmic. Or something. Okay, so I don't have super intelligence! But I think I might be Level 12 Below Average Intelligence! So at least we can bond on the not being able to get along with others because their intelligences are so vastly different than our own! Right?! Oh, I have to go! IT'S YOGUHT TIME!

Duplicate Damsel, you are the most intriguing of them all! I would like a series completely about you and your duplicates. How does it work? Do you manifest the same personalities each time you split? Do they all have names and individual egos? And if so, what happens when you incorporate them all back into your being? If Duplicate Damsel #9 loves Bouncing Boy, do you also love Bouncing Boy when she merges with you? And do you lose your love of Bouncing Boy when she manifests? If that's the case, who the fuck are you, Duplicate Damsel Prime? What makes you you? Are you simply a cypher and the other ones are the individual and real beings? Their feelings make up your feelings only when they merge? Or do you suppress their personalities and retain only your own thoughts and feelings? If that's the case, isn't it like imprisoning them when they merge? Jesus Christ. So many ethical and philosophical questions surrounding you! You need your own fucking title!

Bouncing Boy, you are proof that the Legion will allow anybody into their ranks. What was the recruiter thinking? "You know what? We don't have enough members with overly comical powers! Let's recruit that kid that puffs up like a marshmallow and then sproings off of the walls like a drunken high bouncer." I know this next statement is going to make me sound shallow and judgmental but Duplicate Damsel's Duplicate that is in love with you must have some chromosomal damage. I suppose she could just have some sexual kinks. Who wouldn't want a go at a guy that can inflate and bounce around the room before penetration? Can you inflate your individual body parts? Because that would probably feel pretty amazing. Also, why would you come bouncing crazily into the room? Walk like a normal person, douchebag. There's already enough damage around headquarters as it is! Holy fuck, the other Legionnaires must be so sick of you.

See, Chuck? People like Element Lad here might take you more seriously if you walked into the room instead of bouncing off the fucking walls! Element Lad, you have one of those overpowered powers that are never used appropriately or else you'd probably end every comic book problem by page five. The power to transmute anything to anything else? I'm sure you have some limitations like not being able to transmute organic material like Firestorm or some other contrived flaw to keep you in your place. But between you and The Catalyst Kid, I can't see how you guys don't just ditch the Legionnaires and go off on your own! You turn shit into explosives and he sets them off! Every problem solved in one move! Sure, sure. You might accidentally kill a lot of hostages and innocent people. But I'm an American! I can hardly see the point in being concerned about collateral damage! Did you see the new Man of Steel movie? Superman representative of a Modern America! Just get the fucking job done and forget about who gets hurt and what gets destroyed! The bottom line is stopping the bad guy!

Shadow Lass, I know nothing about you. Although I'm beginning to think getting the right Legionnaires together would make for a fun drinking game. Shadow Lass can darken a warehouse. Then Bouncing Boy inflates and begins bouncing around the darkness. Colossal Boy grows really big and begins stomping about. Then everybody else runs around crazily trying not to get stepped on or hit by Bouncing Boy. I don't know where the drinking comes in. Maybe that happens beforehand so that everybody agrees to this stupid and dangerous game. I think everyone needs to be naked as well. For some reason. I think I was supposed to say goodbye to Shadow Lass in this paragraph but I barely even remember meeting her. And why does she wear a bikini? I'm almost positive not one male member wears a speedo. Even though that would probably be appropriate for Chameleon Boy.

Look, Legion, if you're not going to take this serious, I'm going to cut my farewells short. Harmonia? Why the fuck is that her name? Shouldn't she be Elemental Woman? Oh wait. I guess that one is taken. Well, she could be Elemental Woman Five. I've never liked Harmonia because I just feel like somebody is taking the piss when they list her abilities as "natural elemental." That doesn't make any fucking sense! It doesn't explain anything! How am I better prepared for having read that? She does have a really gorgeous dress though. And I do like her hair. Perhaps Natural Elemental is her shampoo?

While I'm trying to get all of my farewells in, some Science Officer Skank drops by to inform The Legion of Super-heroes that the Legion of Super-heroes have been cancelled disbanded. And now I know why Kevin Maguire was tapped to do the art for this issue.

Because this is his favorite expression to draw. It's called "Our Team Book Was Cancelled?" look of shocked bewilderment.

I think I've spent enough time saying goodbye to the Legionnaires. I have comic books to read that weren't huge failures! These clowns are just a bunch of unemployed losers at this point and they're bringing my mood down. There's still eight pages left to go and probably a dozen members that will make an appearance! Just get to what happened to Phantom Girl already so we can put a fucking tombstone on this sucker!

Interesting I should have decided this shit was over at Page Twelve because the Epilogues begin on Page Thirteen. There are so many fucking members and plots that Legion needs seven pages of Epilogues to close the fucking door behind them!

The first epilogue allows for Dream Girl to contemplate the last twenty-something issues and declare, "It's as if it were all a bad dream." I wonder how many fucking times she's dropped that line. Get a new schtick, Molestar! That should be her new name because of the Star shaped mole on her face. Molestar! Although she probably wouldn't be allowed within one hundred feet of schools or birthday parties.

The second epilogue drops a New 52 bombshell on all three Legion of Super-heroes fans!

Legion takes place in the future of Earth Two! Or not. I mean, it doesn't really make sense seeing that Legion Lost wound up on Earth Prime when they went back in time. Although maybe that's why Brainiac could figure out how to get them back! And Legion Lost ended up on a planet where the future was Harvest's future and not Legion's future. Except Harvest's first origin was as Captain Adym who was part of the Science Police of this Legion which means the future was this future. Oh fuck it. The only thing this proves is that DC Editors have no idea how the whole New 52 works when writing about future timelines. Y'all need some better understanding of your dimensions, fuckfucks.

I couldn't think of anything appropriate to call DC's editors so I just went with fuckfucks.

Karate Kid gets a cameo in Epilogue Three but since he's had less impact on this title than Sensor Girl, I'm not going to fucking say goodbye to him.

The final Epilogue ends with Saturn Girl having read the minds of the people in the other Epilogues and pointed out how dumb they were to ponder what might have been or what might be or what might be have been elsewhere when or what may be then but now in there over yonder in the future or who might have done that thing if that other thing had already been done. She just decides to live in the now which is all I've ever asked of this stupid group. It's about time you came to terms with time!

Legion of Super-heroes #23 Rating: +5 Ranking. It gets +5 for finally ending. Fuck me. I'm not having a go at any fans of Legion of Super-heroes in these commentaries. I think y'all understand how somebody that has never read Legion ever really probably shouldn't have been following The New 52 Reboot series! I get the allure of having a team that seems to have an infinite membership. But with so much previous history, it's hard to start them up again while taking the time needed for new readers to empathize and bond with any of them. My last and final comment on Legion is this: give me a Duplicate Damsel book!


  1. Now that's what I cal a drinking game!!! Can stoners join? ;)

  2. While Dream Girl was always sexy and flirty, in the past she used to be so much more. Her prophetic dreams were easily distinguished from actual dreams and accurate. She trained exceptionally hard in hand to hand fighting, probably the third best in the team. Nura was acknowledged as one of the 4 smartest members and an outstanding biologist. Heck her first mission a leader was leading the team against Darkseid and they won.

    I really expected better writing from Paul but DC has so fucked up the Legion I am not sure it can be fixed.