Green Lantern #23

"Let me love you...with my fist!"

I have a plan to write a book and publish it myself using crowdfunding. It's going to be about a Werewolf during every day of his life in one year other than the nights of the Full Moon. Because he won't remember those! Duh! I'm going to call it "59/61ths Human". I've already begun thinking up the rewards for people who donate to the cause. For $10, you'll get the book printed up on my printer, one-sided, and held together with a paper clip. For $150, you'll get the same thing but I'll number the pages! But until that fantastic day when my super duper awesome werewolf story is flying off my printer tray, I'll stick to reading comic books!

The first thing Hal Jordan does this month is piss me right the fuck off my fucking not-being-pissed-off post!

Hal is the shallowest motherfucker in the galaxy.

Now I really wouldn't care if he were judging them by their physical attributes if the job were based on those attributes. Say Green Lanterns were always working around fire without adequate protection. Well, that little fuzzy guy would be right out because who needs a spontaneous fireball suddenly running amidst the ranks screaming its terrified head off? But being a Green Lantern is based on Willpower, you stupid asshat piece of fucking garbage dump shit-stained underwear wankathon referee! If the rings picked these recruits, these recruits have the power to face great fucking fear. You do remember how it works, right asshole? Listen to Kilowog! He's the master recruit trainer! He knows what he's fucking talking about. And who cares if the little guy tucked the thumb into the fist that hit you in the back of the head! It's a LIGHT CONSTRUCT, you dumb bastard! He could have given it gorgeous fucking nails as well and it wouldn't have mattered in the slightest, as long as he made it nice and solid and as long as he was hitting you in the back of the head!

Oh yeah. Man that was a great moment last issue. I have to relive the excitement into the bathroom sink. I'll be right back.

Okay, what else did I want to rant about? Man, you'd think you'd be more clearheaded after eliminating the negative Chi but now I'm just sleepy. Oh! I know what I was going to be fake mad about as well! How the hell can Hal Jordan consider firing Octopus Face?! She's simply to die for! And by die for, I mean masturbate into the sink while looking at my own facial expressions in the mirror for!

Seriously? You can't remember that, Hal? You can practically sing it! But don't call her "Two-Six.Period"! You could at least call her Jenny.

I love these new recruits just as much as I hate Hal Jordan! This book is really picking up!

Hal doesn't seem comfortable dealing with the new recruits and he's no better at dealing with the dead and wounded left over from the battle with Larfleeze. I think he's mostly upset that none of these things actually have anything to do with him or his glory. So he decides to ditch the Corps and go off alone to hunt down the escaped prisoner that turned into a Star Sapphire. Her name is Prixiam Nol-anj but he's probably just going to call her "PB Anj".

I don't know, Hal. You can keep denying it but Kilowog and I both came to the same conclusion separately!

I know being a super-hero doesn't often come with the ability of introspection but Hal Jordan seems to have even less than most people. I know this and I just told everybody that I masturbated into a sink! Boy, I hope everybody thinks I was joking!

Hal Jordan decides that being a good leader of an army is telling the army to sit somewhere in safety while the leader goes off to fight all of the battles on his own. He's a fucking military genius!

Meanwhile PB Anj heads back to her home base where a few of her people recognize her and welcome her back as "The Prixiam." Her people are some kind of Space Sand People living out in the Outer Territory of Sector 0563. PB Anj's Space Sand People can't find anybody else to steal from since all the Jawas and Humans and Hutts moved away from the Circumference long ago to get jobs and raise their families on identical little planets in dead-end solar systems. But now that PB Anj is back, things are going to get all Brigandy again! I guess they'll just have to spend a little extra on gas while raiding planets closer into the center of the Sector.

Hal Jordan arrives on her world not long after she does.

Why can't Hal Jordan keep his big fat fucking head inside the panels?! Dammit! Now I'm sounding like Jim Shooter!

Hal, I realize I had the cover of the comic book to alert me to some of the pitfalls lying ahead of you during your adventure, but even you should realize the extreme danger you're now in. Hell, you should have realized it before you headed for this planet. If the rings keep failing, you shouldn't even be risking space travel! At least now when the ring fails, you'll have thirty seconds before you die! Although I'm not sure how long you'd have in space if your ring failed. What kills you first in space? The cold? Asphyxiation? Dying in agony as the gases in your body expand due to the lack of pressure? Small particles piercing your brain at near light speed? Space vampires?

Hal Jordan discovers a concealed airlock in the side of a rock and decides to break it down and fuck up the integrity of possibly the only safe place on the planet. I suppose he can rush into the ship that PB Anj brought with her. But I'd rather believe that he just fucked up everybody's chances for survival! Although I do have to applaud his choice of light constructs. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

This is basically what I saw reflected back at me in the mirror earlier this evening.

Green Lantern's next construct is a spiral slide thing that turns the lasers on the Space Sand People that just fired them at Hal. It's really pretty cool. So now Hal is two for two on Light Constructs that I absolutely approve of. I bet he fucks it all up and follows with a fucking baseball bat with a nail in it.

It's at this point in the story where Green Lantern finds out that PB Anj has become a Star Sapphire. She manipulates him with his love for Carol Ferris because she can see all of that romantic shit. I bet if she wanted to, she could figure out Hal's secret identity now! But before she can hurt him too bad, the rings cut out.

I got a little bit excited by the sound effect of the ring coming back online.

Once Hal's power returns, he rushes off to find Carol Ferris since he was given a vision of where she was by PB Anj's Love Power. He saw her with Rayner and the Guardians battling against Relic. He figures if he can save his ex-girlfriend from this threat, she'll have to come back to him!

Green Lantern #23 Rating: +5 Ranking! From now on (and by "now" I actually mean since last week), I'm basing my Ranks on how much I viscerally enjoy a comic book and not on some stupid intellectual mumbo-jumbo! I don't need to sound rational and smart to describe why this comic book rocked my face off! It was just super duper good! To quote a better and more passionate writer than myself: "It was epic! 5 out of 5 stars!"