Green Lantern Corps #23

In other words, just another day in the life of Green Lantern John Stewart!

I imagine when Green Lantern first appeared on the scene, everybody was confused as to why he called himself Green Lantern. Why not Green Ring? Or Emerald Light Man? Or Imagination Johnny? I'm sure there were heated arguments in bars all across Coast City as to why he took the name. Sure he produces green light, but why the fuck would he name himself after a lantern? Why not Green Flashlight? Or Green Lighthouse? Or Green Spotlight? And then the arguments probably just sort of dissipated as Green Lantern never took the time to explain it. Unless he did. Maybe he held a press conference to introduce everyone to his Power Battery. Which probably just started a new round of questions. "So is it a Battery or a Lantern? And why did a Cosmic Police Force choose a nineteenth century Earth railroad lantern as the symbol for its Corps?" When Volthoom became the First Lantern, did he think of himself as a Lantern back then? Because that would really be fucking ridiculous. Oh! Perhaps Volthoom was from 19th Century Earth and was one of those guys that walked the rail-yard hitting hobos with sticks to get them off the tracks! And one night, he fell into a wormhole and became a time traveling asshat!

Look at me! Discussing other Green Lanterns while John Stewart continues to wait patiently for his chance to shine. I just reread John Stewart's entry in the 1985 Who's Who and was reminded of this fact: the two principle requirements for becoming a Green Lantern were being totally honest and being born without fear. I didn't realize that they needed to be totally honest but that makes sense. If the Guardians need people to manipulate, the most gullible and naive are those that believe in complete honesty, no matter how much of a dick it makes them in social situations. Although being born without fear seems like a birth defect. I would think 95% of a baby's first few minutes are spent in complete terror! But a Green Lantern has to ride down the gore and slime of the birth sluice as if it were just another common occurrence in their up until this moment very stable life. "Well, what's this? Who pulled the plug? Enh, what else can I do but just go with the flow?"

Currently on Nellewel 3, John Stewart's mind once more focuses on triage.

Perhaps it's not that more people die when John Stewart is on the scene than when other heroes are on the scene; perhaps it's just that he cares more about saving everybody. Batman comes upon a reservoir filled with floating corpses and shrugs and goes, "Oh Joker! I'll Batarrest you before you can kill more than a dozen more citizens!"

Batman and Superman learned early lessons that they can't save everybody simply by having their parents torn from them in horrible tragedies. But John Stewart's greatest tragedy before becoming a Green Lantern was not having a building pass an inspection. Of course he's been at the forefront of plenty of tragedies since then! But he still believes in the ultimate power of the Green Lantern Ring and can't help but feel that, at the very least, he should be able to save anybody within his hearing.

The rings are currently malfunctioning and have been pulled from the fingers of the Green Lanterns. But, and I might be wrong about this, once they regain power, won't they fly back onto the Lanterns' fingers?

Except, I suppose, if they're, obviously, in a Shatter Proof Khundian Anularium.

Learning that "anul" is Latin for ring just makes the whole wedding ceremony even more disgusting than I already thought it was in the first place. As you might suspect, I don't give a lot of thought to other languages until I'm curious. Then I sate my curiosity and go, "Oh yeah. That was blindingly obvious, wasn't it?" I've said this before as well: I would probably be pretty decent at Latin if my fucking college had offered at least one course that started after six in the morning. Who the fuck takes a six in the morning class?! Unless it's Painting Sunrises 101.

By the way, I should probably mention Feska's peculiar ability to go Full Rotling without having to succumb to an ear full of Rot Flies. So John Stewart has found himself with a mute, an axe wielding maniac, a super contortionist, and a frail old lizard man while Hal Jordan has been joined by a fuzzy little furball, a math nerd, a grey alien, and a kid that loves to punch people in the back of the head. I love this next generation of Green Lanterns!

The rings are back online which means Fatality's ring has come back around as well. Which is good since she was about to be vivisected by a bunch of mangy Durlans. This whole plot with the rings losing power occasionally is making it far easier for the writers to build tension than when the rings couldn't affect anything colored yellow. Poor Green Lanterns. They have the most powerful weapon in the universe. Every other creature should be a complete pushover. But the fucking rings always have something wrong with them. Somebody has annulled the anuls!

Although Fatality's stupid Love Ring doesn't seem to be able to defend itself against a bug.

I don't know. Call me cynical but it's hard to believe that these rings protect the wearer from the deadly vacuum of space but can't defend against a tiny wasp. I'd rather believe that Star Sapphire Rings are ineffective against insects.

Back on Oa, the Green Lanterns are discussing their fucked up rings when I learn that Isamot is from Thanagar. How many sentient races does that planet have? I know I was thoroughly confused by the various species back when Hawkman was being written by Rob Liefeld but I didn't believe anything he wrote since he was still talking about the Czarnians as if they were still alive. Even though he was writing about the Last Czarnian over in Deathstroke! What an idiot! Unless I'm the idiot and there's actually a crazy, rational comic book explanation which would prove that I'm completely wrong and a total douche for calling Rob an idiot when he was, in fact, not an idiot and completely right.

I don't know many of the current Green Lantern Corps but I do know that this female must be the genius of the bunch.

Kilowog and Salaak determine that the problem with the rings might reside within the Central Power Battery. I bet it has to do with all of the Lantern Corps Mascots escaping! I still don't know what any of that shit is about! But I'm going to find out, I suppose! If the Love Lamp had a Mascot named Predator in it, then I suppose the Willpower Lamp will have a creature named Overbearing Visitor That Won't Fucking Get the Hint so You Can Go To Fucking Bed Already. And the Fear Battery will have a creature called Flip the Fuck Out. The Compassion Battery will have a creature called Lenny. The Wrath Battery will have a creature called Anger Management. The Greed Battery will have a creature called Philanthropy. And the Hope Battery will have a creature called Faith! I bet I'm about 85% correct on my guesses!

Back on Nellewel 3, The Green Lanterns have retrieved their rings and they're fighting back. Although in the first two pages of fighting, Feska is nowhere to be seen. I hope she isn't dead! I can't imagine she'd be killed when the readers know her son back home will probably die without her! That would be a pretty fucked up thing to do. Another fucked up thing to do: own a Green Lantern Ring and use it to create rebar to fight with! Come on, John! You weren't in construction! You were an architect! You should at least be fighting with a blueprint tube or a straight edge!

And then a jackhammer? Although seeing that Maro uses "voice" to defeat the Khunds, perhaps Green Lanterns generally like to use things they wish they had access to. So John actually became an architect to be around construction because he felt, for some reason, obligated to get a degree that would lead to a career where he could wear a suit and a hardhat instead of just going into the career he wanted to. Maybe he didn't realize his love for the props of construction until he was around it all the time as his first building was being erected.

It turns out that Feska is okay, of course! I would have had to turn a pouty face in Van Jensen's direction if he'd killed her. I think the only one of these new recruits he can kill, story-wise, is all of them. But I suspect that the one that he can kill if he needs to is the old lizard man. I sincerely hope that he doesn't, of course! I love them all!

More Khunds arrive and Stewart decides it's time to leave. At this point in the comic book, he is able to save them all. But the cover shows him with Fatality and Kilowog, so the cover might be a little bit ahead of the story since I can't see that this comic book has enough pages left to get to whatever's going on on the cover.

Speaking of Fatality, a naked Fatality awakens naked in the surgery room, strapped down and naked while naked. I think she could use A PEP TALK IN EVERY DROP, so here's some advice, Fatality: "Push on." "Power through." "Be unstoppable." "Inspire envy."

Wait. What? "Inspire envy" is Pep Talk? These cough drops are encouraging me to live my life in a way that I think others will be jealous of? Fuck you, cough drop! What a piece of shit piece of advice. "Make people feel inferior!" "Show people how much more successful you are!" "Rub it in their faces!" "Spit on the peons!" "Shit on everybody!" Hmm, I think I should sell some of my advice to Halls Cough Drops for their next round of wrappers.

Fatality gets away because she's tethered to John by their love and her Love Ring and sexual compatibility. But first she has the ring put on some clothes. I don't know, that would probably have been my second thought after fleeing for my life. But then I don't live in a Teen Rated Universe.

HOLY FUCKING MOLEY! WHEW! Drinking Iced Green Tea after sucking on a cough drop will really clean out your everything. I think I may have discovered a new sense of taste.

Fatality's Love Spear works and she's transported to John Stewart as everybody arrives back on Oa. I wonder if she's also tethered to Mogo since she fucked on Mogo's face with John?

I just scanned this because it's another reason I like Old Lizard Dude. I often sit like this in my office chair while reading comic books. While in China, I passed through a rural village where four men were sitting on top of a pool table like this playing cards. I bet that Billiards Table Salesman won some kind of a bet on that sale.

Kilowog, Salaak, and John investigate the Central Power Battery. They find it dim but still functioning efficiently. Until a Great White Shark comes flopping out of it speaking English. It's name is Ion and didn't Kyle run around as Ion for awhile? But he wasn't a shark! I guess he got the name from the Green Lantern Power Battery Mascot. I can see a Great White Shark being the living embodiment of Stubborness!

Some of the other Mascots arrive and declare it's time to make the trip to the Mascot Graveyard because their time is over. I hope this means the Lanterns won't need to recharge anymore! Larfleeze was just the first of them to become a self-sustained living battery. Of course, I seem to hope that every single Green Lantern story ends with them not needing to recharge the stupid rings anymore!

Green Lantern Corps #23 Rating: +4 Ranking! I'm really enjoying all of the Green Lantern titles right now! And Bernard Chang just makes this comic book a treat to look at.