Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Detective Comics #23

I can't wait until Villains' Month so I have some new things to talk about.

I am officially out of shit to say. So fuck off while I read about Batman.

Three years ago, Batman was the shittiest career counselor in Gotham City.

When somebody suggests you get a GED, what they're really saying is "Please stop stealing my shit, you asshole." They just want to distract you from your glorious and fulfilling life of crime. Getting a GED doesn't do anything except keep you too busy to steal DVRs. Although a vocational school might be a good idea. A better idea is to train to become a member of the TSA and then people bring their shit straight to you to steal. No more fucking leg work! Get fat, lazy, annoying, and obnoxious while taking other people's material possessions! That should be the poster for TSA recruitment. More poster ideas: "Want to feel powerful but wield no real power whatsoever? Then the TSA is for you!" Oh! You know how that Marine recruitment advert had that guy fighting dragons? They should make one of those for the TSA but have slobby jerks sitting around a table rolling dice while one of them asks, "Seriously? Chlorine gas? Stupidest dragon ever."

By the way, Batman, who the fuck are you to be telling people to do "something useful" with their lives? It's their fucking lives, you pretentious wanker. I understand not wanting him to fuck up other people's lives. But as long as he's not hurting anybody else, does his life actually have to be useful? I think I'm personally offended by the suggestion that I might be just as critical to society as a common mugger! I say common mugger because I'm pretty sure an exceptional mugger has more talent than I have!

I also take exception with Batman's use of breaking bones to teach lessons. If he's so Goddamned good at what he does, that means he broke this kid's leg in two places on purpose. He methodically tortured this kid in an unnecessary way! Batman could easily detain a non-super-powered thief and attempted murderer because he's an expert at all kinds of physical and mental tactics. The kid should just be tied up and hung from a lamppost. Which makes me think Batman broke the kid's legs for the simple pleasure of it! The worst part about this is that a broken leg can be fatal! Batman can't know that complications won't arise that end up killing this kid! What if his leg never heals correctly and he's forced to become a thief and an attempted murderer? I mean, forced to remain those things! I hate you, Batman!

Please don't break my arm for being honest!

By the way, that kid with the broken leg? Three years later he was found dead in an alley from a long, long fall after going by the name Scorn and working with The Wrath! And it's all because he didn't take Counselor Batman's advice. Boo hoo.

Dr. Batman, Professional Therapissed.

Batman has caught up with The Wrath and he believes he knows The Wrath's secret identity as well: E.D. Caldwell! Who? I don't know. Some anti-Bruce Wayne douche that's come to town to make Gotham a better place. He's watched Bruce Wayne long enough to realize how much money can be made in real estate in Gotham City if you control the means of cleaning up the crime in very specific areas while letting it run rampant in others. Cheap property in the crime laden areas, so you buy it all up, clean up the area with The Batman or The Wrath, then sell the properties at increased amounts. How could a rich jerk like Caldwell pass up such a gold strike town as this?

But Batman should know that figuring out secret identities isn't so easy! My guess is that The Wrath is E.D. Caldwell's butler, or, as I mentioned in an earlier commentary, Alfred Pennyworth's nemesis!

Here is the moment The Wrath defeated himself. Must I keep saying it, Super Villains? When you have the chance, KILL KILL MOTHERFUCKING KILL, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS!

Bruce Wayne discusses his plans with Alfred but not with the reader. Reading between the lines, it sounds like Bruce Wayne is sending Alfred to pick a fight with Caldwell's butler! Or possibly challenge him to a bake-off. Perhaps a wood polishing contest.

Bruce and Alfred head over to Caldwell Technology to have a meeting with "Erectile Dysfunction" Caldwell. His secretary asks them to wait in the lobby.

The dress policy at Caldwell Tech is "Business-Catholic School".

Oh did I say lobby? I meant to say Caldwell is busy speaking with Detective Bullock so the secretary brings Bruce and Alfred into the bare, empty office to stand around in the background as they conduct police business. Seems about as professional as her business attire!

Oh shut the fuck up. This is a comedy blog! If you see the kind of shit I've worn in the past for business interviews, you'd realize I don't give a shit about dress codes! A good rule of thumb is to never wear anything to an interview that you'd be uncomfortable in at the job. So if I don't get the job because I didn't dress up enough, fuck them because I wouldn't have wanted to dress up that way every day anyway. I think this secretary probably believes the same as I do. Although I'd probably feel more comfortable having some underwear on.

Caldwell decides that sparring with Bruce as they discuss business is the best way to go. Fuck him. I wouldn't even shake his hand because I find it too aggressive! But I'd have to fight with him to even try to work with him? I hate both of these guys!

Oh sure! After all the Batman Incorporated bullshit, now you're going to try distancing yourself from Batman?

While Bruce and E.D. are sparring, Alfred sneaks off to hack into the building's computer network. I bet Caldwell's butler catches him! Oh man! From that first panel when Caldwell was shown to have a butler, I was wetting myself for the confrontation between the butlers!

But first Alfred has to wander into Caldwell's war room. Caldwell looks slightly upward with his x-ray contact lenses at one point and sees Alfred entering a secure location. That location is filled with tanks and other war vehicles. Because the best place to hide tons and tons of ground war machines is on the forty second story of a high rise in downtown Gotham. Maybe it's the top floor where The Wrath has the tanks delivered in his Invisible Wrathcopter.

The Wrath captures Alfred. But it isn't yet revealed if The Wrath is the Butler or E.D. Caldwell because they both leave the room before The Wrath appears. So my pony is still in the running! Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne says, "Fuck secret identities, bitch!" and exits Caldwell Tech via his Batplane.

Don't worry, Bruce. I'm sure nobody was watching. It was only two billionaires sparring on a balcony without any railings. If you've lived in Gotham, you've seen it a million times.

Next issue is, supposedly, the showdown between The Wrath and The Batman. I'm not sure who I want to win.

The back-up story is still about Kirk and Francine Langstrom. Man-bat and Man-Woman! I mean Woman-bat! It turns out his wife was into corporate espionage! She only married him to steal his ideas for some corporation! Probably Apple! Or maybe Leviathan. Who cares? I don't care! I have enough Man-bat guano to keep me occupied since my next DC Comics Presents I'm going to read features Superman and Man-bat!

Oh, Leviathan is over and done! She's working for some company called Caldwell Industries. I wonder if that's any relation to Caldwell Tech?

Not quite as pornographic as some of the images from The Swamp Thing #23, but still pretty erotic. Especially if you have a penis like a blue test tube.

Francine "Lee" Langstrom turns into Woman-Bat (Aggressive Version) and flies off to further adventures while Kirk is left to cry in his serum.

Detective Comics #23 Rating: No change. The Batman is a dick. The Wrath is a dick. Butler Waters is a dick. Kirk Langstrom is a dick. Francine Lee is a dick. This comic book should be called "Five Dicks and a Penny."

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