All Star Western #22

"Hey Jerry? Didja know yer great grandfather had a crush on me?"

I don't have any context for this thought that I had while in the half-asleep dreamworld of near waking but I wanted to describe it somewhere, so here it goes. While playing a male character in a video game, I was thinking why I would be motivated to save a male character in that video game besides maybe receiving secret oral sex and a fist bump. Then I thought, "Do you call a blow job between two heterosexual males a 'bro job'?" And then I thought, "I bet bro jobs happen all the time in Fraternities!" And then I was fully awake and left thinking, "What the fuck was that?" I'm not ashamed of my subconscious's stray thoughts! Besides, this was probably one of the most tame ones. I really do wish I could remember the context from which those thoughts developed though.

I actually can't stand when people take an already existing word and then add "man" or "bro" to it. Like "manscaping" and "bromance" and "bromanicure". If I were a super hero, this site would be my nemesis. Or should I say nemebro, amirite?! That site actually does define "bro job" but it's not as sexy as my definition.

How about we leave all this stupid bullshit behind and read some super serious shit about a confederate soldier bounty hunter with a half-melted face that time traveled into the future and was locked away in a sanitarium? Does Arkham have a ward specifically for people that believe they're from another time? I wonder if Jonah's cellmate will be that guy from Twelve Monkeys?

Upon first meeting Jonah Hex, Jeremiah basically threatens his life.

When I read a scene like this in a comic book, I know that the writers care about the world and the characters within that world. They've thought through more than just "Jonah Hex is a bad ass with some guns" and have entered Jonah's world to tell his tale. Jonah smokes so they have Jonah's reaction to a modern cigarette. Perhaps I'm putting too much importance on this moment. Maybe I should just stick to making fart jokes.

Needfull to say, Jonah Hex flips the fuck out and begins punching people. Maybe I was too quick to say Gray and Palmiotti really had a good handle on this character! Who wouldn't? He shoots things and he smokes and he flips the fuck out at the drop of a hat! You don't have to be fucking Melville to figure out this guy's motivations!

Jeremiah manages to call in the riot squad to hold Hex down so that he can show him the Surgeon General's Warning on the side of the package.

Oh! I forgot that he also likes to drink! I guess you don't have to be Melville to write Jonah Hex but you have to be better at characterizations than me! Which is technically a paradox since I'm better than Herman Melville at all aspects of characterization except obsession, homosexuality, whale murder, and scrivening.

Hex and Arkham have a bit of a chat as Hex continues to spew time traveling nonsense. But you'd have to be insane to think time travel were real! Aliens from other planets? Sure, no problem. Urban legends and mythological creatures tearing up Gotham? Happens occasionally. Crazy fuckers with super powers? Got a shitload right here under the roof. But time travel? Crazy talk!

One tasty tidbit of insane rambling catches Jeremiah's attention. Hex mentions he owned a thirty percent stake in Alan Wayne's casino. Jeremiah decides to investigate this claim because it means he gets to meet with Bruce Wayne which means he might be able to drop a few hints about how expensive it is to run Arkham and how out of date the security is and how sometimes really nice and rich people donate high tech prison equipment to needy institutions that are filled to the brim with murdering psychopaths and you never know when something might fail, flooding the streets with killers and clowns.

Painting the Bat Symbol on the ceiling of your office seems like a stupid idea, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce Wayne is willing to investigate Jonah Hex's claims of time travel since Batman himself traveled through time after killing Darkseid. No, wait. That didn't happen. But Alfred alludes to Batman's traveling through time when he says, "He wouldn't be the first person to crawl his way up through time." And it's already been established that Batman went missing for a year while Dick took over the role of Batman with Damian as Robin. So how did Batman travel through time? Maybe the same way Jonah Hex did! Bruce got a bit overly familiar with Booster Gold and whammo! He's in the Paleozoic Era!

The next day, Jeremiah Arkham gets a bit too bold and allows Jonah Hex to walk the grounds of the Asylum with him and some musclebound orderlies. It doesn't go so well.

Maybe Jonah will make his way to the Batcave for a place to hideaway since he and Arkham discovered it many, many years ago.

Jonah and Jeremiah eventually find themselves in a convertible trying to get out of the city while Batman has begun hunting them. As they head for the bridge out of town, Jonah convinces Jeremiah that he's the real deal with a bit of information that only the Arkhams would know. But it's a bit too late to figure out what to do with the information as they run into a batch of The Dark Knight Returns mutant gangbangers. The cops take cover while Jonah grabs a gun from a downed officer and marches straight into the fray. Which is where the story ends for now. And there's no back-up this month! And no Booster Gold either!

All Star Western #22 Rating: No change. I enjoyed the time Jonah spent with Jeremiah even though it hasn't been quite as entertaining as his buddy picture romp with Amadeus. Also I'm really fucking tired. I'm going to bed now.