Surprise! Damian was only kidding!
Okay, I've got a bunch of Kleenex, so I'm ready to read this thing. I'm hoping you took that as I'm going to masturbate because that's less embarrassing than the fact that I'm going to weep like a motherfucker while reading this shit. I just know it. Fuck you, Tomasi, for making me feel things!
This issue begins with Batman locked in the safe at the bottom of the pool atop Wayne Towers with Talia taunting him via radio. I don't know why it's beginning here or what's going on but being completely ignorant of something has never stopped me from speculating before! While it could be Batman just trying to relive the past in that way heroes do to torment themselves when they couldn't save somebody, I hope it's just Tomasi rewriting Batman Incorporated #9 now that Grant Morrison is gone! Because now Grant Morrison can't trap him in the stairwell and give him a super wedgie for fucking with his story! And Batman Incorporated really had a vague, strange place in The New 52 continuity anyway! Why not just rewrite this bit, right?! RIGHT?!
But it's probably just one of Bruce's Ecstasy-induced fantasies as Alfred gives him an all over body massage.
And then I turn the page and read the title and I get the stupid Goddamned tissues ready.
Is this a joke? Bruce still hasn't accepted the death of his parents!
Maybe Nightwing will reprogram the simulation as Batman is in it to show Batman that even if he made it in time, Robin would still have died. I think Tomasi stole this plot from Wargames! Nightwing just has to program Tic Tac Toe into Internet 3.0 now and Batman will have a WOPR of a revelation! That revelation is that nobody should ever try because life always ends in a Cat's Game.
I think Alfred is just against video games.
But with Player Two's help, Batman manages to complete the level!
But what does this prove and how the fuck does it make Batman feel better? Oh yeah! Acceptance! Or something.
But of course the simulation was only ever to prove that Batman, at the time it actually happened, did the best he could for his son. He tried to keep him safe. And then when he couldn't lock him away, he tried to keep him alive.
Now that that's settled, they can go make Alfred happy by drinking his tea.
I was just joking earlier! I don't want you to feel bad, Alfred! I'm sorry! It's not your fault!
Fuck you, comic books! I don't care about any of these people at all!
Batman and Nightwing #23 Rating: + Whatever Amount It Takes to Put It at #1. This is my favorite fucking New 52 comic book. Hands down. Tomasi has such a great handle on these characters. Just brilliant.