Batman and Nightwing #23

Surprise! Damian was only kidding!

Before I knew there would be a Damian mini-series beginning in October, I called this issue being the last issue of guest stars before Damian came back. It just seemed obvious that the final team-up would be with Nightwing because that's going to be the most meaningful of the bunch. Bruce shedding some tears with his first ward. Although if Damian is really coming back for October, I am a little disappointed that there won't be a "Batman and Alfred" or a "Batman and Batcow" issue.

Okay, I've got a bunch of Kleenex, so I'm ready to read this thing. I'm hoping you took that as I'm going to masturbate because that's less embarrassing than the fact that I'm going to weep like a motherfucker while reading this shit. I just know it. Fuck you, Tomasi, for making me feel things!

This issue begins with Batman locked in the safe at the bottom of the pool atop Wayne Towers with Talia taunting him via radio. I don't know why it's beginning here or what's going on but being completely ignorant of something has never stopped me from speculating before! While it could be Batman just trying to relive the past in that way heroes do to torment themselves when they couldn't save somebody, I hope it's just Tomasi rewriting Batman Incorporated #9 now that Grant Morrison is gone! Because now Grant Morrison can't trap him in the stairwell and give him a super wedgie for fucking with his story! And Batman Incorporated really had a vague, strange place in The New 52 continuity anyway! Why not just rewrite this bit, right?! RIGHT?!

But it's probably just one of Bruce's Ecstasy-induced fantasies as Alfred gives him an all over body massage.

And then I turn the page and read the title and I get the stupid Goddamned tissues ready.

Is this a joke? Bruce still hasn't accepted the death of his parents!

Batman is running a simulation on his Internet 3.0 trying to replay the day Damian died so that Damian can live. Why? Who the fuck knows? If he saves him, does he plan on living the rest of his life online? Dick and Alfred watch him struggle with the 447th iteration of the simulation. It might be that time of year when Dick Grayson gets to call Bruce a selfish bastard and punch him in the teeth. Just call it a tradition.

Maybe Nightwing will reprogram the simulation as Batman is in it to show Batman that even if he made it in time, Robin would still have died. I think Tomasi stole this plot from Wargames! Nightwing just has to program Tic Tac Toe into Internet 3.0 now and Batman will have a WOPR of a revelation! That revelation is that nobody should ever try because life always ends in a Cat's Game.

I think Alfred is just against video games.

It seems the tiniest bit of an insult to Nightwing to believe that he, Batman, could have saved Damian while stuck in a safe at the bottom of a pool while Nightwing was right at Damian's side and couldn't save him. But Nightwing is one optimistic and upbeat bastard, so he'll show Bruce that Damian's death was inevitable. Once Alfred let Damian out that night, his fate was sealed. So Alfred should be running the simulation to see how he could have kept Damian from leaving!

But with Player Two's help, Batman manages to complete the level!

But what does this prove and how the fuck does it make Batman feel better? Oh yeah! Acceptance! Or something.

Of course they know that if they don't fight Batthing to the death, Robin could die. But what if they didn't know Robin dies? Wouldn't they be trying to just fight Batthing into submission? Or does a half-whale, half-human creature born in a test tube not qualify as "life" in Batman's eyes? If they're willing to battle Batthing to the death here, they're throwing away all of their Bat-morals! They should be running the simulation without killing. That's the only real way to win.

But of course the simulation was only ever to prove that Batman, at the time it actually happened, did the best he could for his son. He tried to keep him safe. And then when he couldn't lock him away, he tried to keep him alive.

Now that that's settled, they can go make Alfred happy by drinking his tea.

And later, after Batman and Nightwing are done with the video games, Alfred takes his turn and I use up all my fucking Kleenex.

I was just joking earlier! I don't want you to feel bad, Alfred! I'm sorry! It's not your fault!

Bruce catches Alfred running the simulation.

Fuck you, comic books! I don't care about any of these people at all!

Is that the right reaction to being emotionally invested enough in these characters that they make me cry? Yelling fuck you at an inanimate object? Why did my mom raise me on horror movies instead of hugs? I don't know what I'm feeling!

Batman and Nightwing #23 Rating: + Whatever Amount It Takes to Put It at #1. This is my favorite fucking New 52 comic book. Hands down. Tomasi has such a great handle on these characters. Just brilliant.