Katana #7

In this issue, Katana decides which man better completes her.

Will Tatsu be known as Katanas from now on? She just had her Soultaker reforged and she's not using it? Because I'm fairly certain Soultaker doesn't have a hilt like these swords. It has kind of a melted demon face motif going on or something. Anyway, I hope Katana kills Sickle and exorcises Maseo.

This issue is called, "What happened THAT night?" What night?! What did I miss? What the fuck are you on about, Ann Nocenti?!

Shun the Untouchable, the Tattoo Artist missing a foot and possessed by a little girl spirit, is visiting Junko the Drunken Master. I think Shun is missing a foot. I should probably remember plot points better since I'm constantly claiming to be a master comic book reader. I suppose I'm not staking Master Comic Book Rememberer territory! I'd look through my back issues of Katana but I'm using my comic book boxes for a foot rest, so that's not going to happen.

At least I know my limits.

Whew. All I had to do was turn the page!

I thought maybe the line about Shun biting down on the stick like a dog was about her foot being cut off. But she's also an untouchable sex slave, so she really could have been describing her Saturday night. I really shouldn't make light of sex slaves being treated like dogs since it's a terrible, horrible, vicious problem in this world. Why, I wonder, does anybody try to portray masturbation in a negative light when celebrating its usefulness might actually put a small dent in the amount of sexual crimes on this planet. Let's celebrate masturbation! You know Holi, the Festival of Colours? We should have something like in America except for masturbation.

You know what? On second thought, that celebration might actually wind up causing sexual crimes. Or, at the very least, a horribly sticky mess.

Tatsu examines the rest of Shun's tattoos and discovers that there are more Outsider Clans than just the Sword Clan! One of the tattoos is a Green Arrow. Like her partner in Justice League of America! And then while searching Shun's body, she makes a horrifying discovery!

I think that's what I said when I first saw one too.

Of course Ann Nocenti doesn't reveal what Katana has discovered. Nocenti comes from the school of writers who like to use Undramatic Irony. That's where a character in the story knows some horrible or interesting or amazing secret that the reader never gets to learn. But the character makes sure the reader knows that she knows something or has discovered something, like in the panel above. Sometimes Lobdell a writer will have a character think, "I hope nobody discovers my secret!" And the reader is supposed to scoot to the edge of her seat and wait for the exciting reveal of the secret. I hate this shit when a bad writer is doing it. It just makes me think, "Oh, Ann Nocenti has no idea where her stupid fucking story is going but she has to create some kind of dramatic tension, so she lets the reader see the character be shocked by something and then leaves it at that."

Now I haven't moved past that last panel, so maybe Ann Nocenti will have Katana Narration Box what she discovered immediately on the next page. But I have a feeling that's not going to happen. In the meantime, please join me in Tales of Fucked Up Narration, won't you?

These Narration Boxes aren't so bad. But let's begin with these as a control.

Katana, if you don't believe the lies of the tattoo artist and you also think the woman with the tattoos is crazy, why the fuck do you keep going back to her for information? Oh, I remember! Because Ann Nocenti comes from yet another school of writers known as the School of Movement Through Prophecy. In this school, stories do not evolve organically from a protagonist's motivations or flaws or desires. The protagonist is moved like a pawn on a chessboard by outside influences telling the protagonist what is likely to occur in the future. The television show Heroes is one of the best examples of this horror. If you take away all visions of the future, the story never fucking happens. So Katana needs the tattoos to motivate her and keep some forward movement in the comic book.

But apparently Nocenti doesn't need to rely on the Mystery Tattoo (or genitalia) that Tatsu observed earlier. Because Katana still has to infiltrate the Sword Clan after several issues of trying and nearly succeeding and then beginning a new issue so that Katana forgot she was succeeding and needed to begin again. So here we are back at Square Fucking One: Katana needing to infiltrate the Sword Clan.

Immediately after the previous Narration Boxes, Tatsu is buzzed by a falcon.

Here Tatsu has three conversations in her head at once. "Trained falcon. Seemed deliberate. Great weapon." I'm hoping that she puts them together on the next page because I can't figure out the mystery! I think she's reading too much into it. Birds attack my face all the time! It's nothing.

Katana decides that she's too busy right now to investigate the falcon, so she'll follow it's trail back to its master tomorrow. I'm not sure how you follow the trail of a bird a day later but then I'm not Japanese. Or a woman. Or a warrior. It's probably one of those things that enables her to follow a falcon's day old trail. Unless it's just the bird shit.

I think that's just an Urban Legend!

Oh! Oh! I know this story! I know what happens next!

My favorite part of the story is when the woman you're supposed to be rescuing kicks you in the head and kills you.

In a previous commentary, I explained how I don't spend enough time discussing the art, so this paragraph will try to rectify that. The art fucking sucks.

That wasn't very constructive! I should try harder. Um, I like the hands. The hands are usually drawn well. The faces are terrible though. It's like Sanchez draws from the feet up and when he gets to the neck, he falls apart and loses all talent. Perhaps his college could only afford headless nude models in anatomy class?

No, you know what. For once I'm not going to express my opinion as uncontested fact. Alex Sanchez's style just doesn't suit me. I am not enjoying it. But it's his style and it isn't as if he can't draw. He's definitely very good at it. His style just doesn't hit my sweet spot. I'll leave the exact location of my sweet spot to your imagination.

It's my testicles!

After being attacked by the falcon, Tatsu stumbles upon the Japantown Brothel on fire. The prostitutes flee to find a better life while Madame Yoko declares Japantown is over. Yeah, all the fucking hipsters ruined it, coming around with their Japanese monster t-shirts and their One Cup Sake. It was an uncool place to hang out and feel cool before it became a cool place to hang out because it was so uncool. Oh, and don't refer to the Japanese monsters on their t-shirts as Japanese monsters because they've figured out that they're called Kaiju thanks to Pacific Rim and they'll sneer at you and smirk at their friends if you call them "Japanese Monsters." Although they'll do the same thing if you call them "Kaiju" and just remark how you probably only know that due to Pacific Rim.

I miss the Kaiju Cafe on Belmont in Portland. They had delicious vegetarian paninis and Japanese monsters. Oh! I think I have a picture of me there but I doubt you can see any Japanese Monsters!

You can see some toys in the other room but that was The Missing Link. Although they had monsters too! This was immediately after my first hair cut in probably twenty years.

And just for comparison's sake, here I am twenty years ago in my Lobo shirt and on acid. I was sober in the first picture.

Katana also finds out that her place of employment has been completely trashed as well. So she decides her best move is to get the fuck away from anybody else that can get hurt by her proximity. But first she has to check in on Junko and Shun since they've been in her sphere of influence recently. They're just having a barbecue.

Goddammit! Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm is already airing repeats! We already learned about Rope-a-dope!

After the barbecue and a brief scene showing that Jack Ryder is still drunk and uninteresting (even if he is possessed by The Creeper), Katana and Shun head out to join the Sword Clan. The only way to join the Sword Clan is to beat the Sword Clan. And then Katana can infiltrate the Sword Clan with the help of Sickle. But since she'll already have joined, I don't know why she needs Sickle's help to infiltrate. Anyway, her plan must be somewhat different now that she has an Untouchable Sidekick.

See? I approve of Alex Sanchez's lower torso! Very nicely done. This is right up there with Nightwing's bottom.

Katana battles the Sword Clan and hacks a bunch to pieces. Now that the Soultaker was reforged without the ritual, does that mean it no longer takes souls? I'm going to assume that's true and Katana will not be speaking with her sword anymore. Although I'm sure I'll find out by the end of this thing because Sickle and Maseo's ghost just appeared to debate which one Katana can work with. Because she obviously can't love one and work with the other. Or love them both. Or not love either and work with both. She has to choose only one to be friends and lovers and work partners with! So Sickle tells her how to remember THAT night! The night she...KILLED HER HUSBAND!

Zing!

Why didn't Maseo ever get a weapon name? Why didn't they go around calling him Throwing Star? I'm glad he's out of the picture because he had a stupid normal name. How was I supposed to know what weapon to defend against if he attacked me with a name like Maseo?

Sickle and Katana head back to find Shun tied up with Coil standing over her. Coil declares that the only way Katana can rule the Sword Clan is to defeat him.

Wait. What? I thought she just wanted to infiltrate? But she wants to run the whole thing? Perhaps Coil only believes she wants to run it all since everybody has now seen Shun's belly tattoo which showed Katana with her foot on a dragon's head with flames behind her. Obviously that means she's going to bring an apocalypse down on the world. No other interpretation on that one, is there?

You know what's really stupid about this ending with Coil challenging Katana to battle? It already fucking happened! Katana defeated Coil at the beginning of Issue #2 and refused to join the Sword Clan! Look, I'll help you remember:

See? Coil defeated. Dead to rights. No meaning no she doesn't want to join the Sword Clan.

But I suppose Katana has every right to change her mind after she learned so much more. Although after defeating Coil, in the VERY NEXT PANEL, she declares, "Coil's too good. Can't fight him yet." And then she goes after a novice to try to turn him to her side to help her infiltrate the Sword Clan! Ugh! Is this book going in spirals on purpose? Is there a Gertrude Stein thing going on here? Am I supposed to viscerally feel how the plot is like Coil's sword? Am I supposed to be experiencing being on the receiving end of Coil's sword? Because by that measure, this book is succeeding!

Katana #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. I bet the first Katana Trade will begin with Issue #1 and then skip right to Issue #8 since one ends with Katana about to battle Coil and eight is beginning with that fight. Just throw the rest of this shit in the fucking Dumpster. Oh, and finally, I should just like to point out that the cover had the wrong inkers on it.