The Flash #22

When The New 52 began, I, Vampire had some of the best covers. Now I think The Flash covers are some of the best.

I might be too distracted to comment on comic books until I reread Batman Incorporated because a good percentage of my mind seems to be working on the case for Talia as one of the more fleshed out villains so far in The New 52. She does come across as a psycho ex throwing her lover's shit out in the yard but I think there's a lot more complexity of motive than that running through the series. At the very least, she really isn't any more fleshed out than a lot of the villains so far in The New 52. And this is where I can tie these vague Batman Incorporated thoughts back to this comic book. I think The Flash is one of the top ten comics of The New 52 when it comes to villains and motives. I may not have liked Mob Rule but he was fleshed out nicely and wasn't just a villain that wanted to prove himself against The Flash. Gorilla Grodd had a good reason for attacking Centralstone City that was threaded nicely into the then currently running storyline. Reverse Flash's motives are tied directly into the past stories in that he's stealing the Speed Force Powers from the civilians that visited the Speed Force with The Flash. And his identity is probably that of Doctor Darwin Elias. But best of all, The Flash stories are evolving organically from one to the next like a well written drama opposed to something episodic like an eighties sitcom.

Currently The Flash has taken on the mantle of The Scarlet Speedster Detective. He's searching for clues as to the identity of the person killing his Speed Force Pals. He should have allowed them to become members of a team called The Speed Force Pals instead of lecturing them on the dangers and irresponsibility of using their super powers for good. Then maybe he would have been around to save them when they most needed his help. But now that only he and Iris West are left, I have a feeling he's going to be sticking pretty close to her. Patty might have a problem with that but she knew one of the dangers of dating a super hero was constantly hearing the excuse, "I was only saving her!"

This issue may have the most clever title page of all of Manapul and Buccellato's clever title pages. Except now these buildings are canon! Skylines of Keystone City had better look like this every time! I do have to wonder why they put "the" in quotation marks though!

Meanwhile Doctor Elias is puttering around in his lab in his robe and slippers planning the super evolution of the human race brought about by the destruction of The Flash. His plan is probably more complex than that but he's a super genius and I'm just a guy in his underwear reading comic books, so I have to boil this shit down to crazy easy levels of understanding. "Elias take Speed Force from Flash. Use Speed Force save world."

This skyline spells out "Fill It BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

The Flash visits with Iris West and asks her to wear an outfit he designed for her. Right from the beginning, he might be edging out of territory where "I was only saving her!" will be an acceptable answer to Patty's questions. He then takes her on a trip to the Utah Salt Flats. If his next step is to make her a mix tape, Patty's going to walk straight out the door.

I'm not trying to suggest that a trip to Utah is romantic! But at least it's a trip. The last time I drove through Salt Lake City, I saw a billboard with a fireman and a construction worker and a cop and an astronaut on it. The copy said, "Real men don't use porn." It's odd that they would think that message fit with typical male stripper costumes. Except maybe the astronaut. That act might be a bit too long.

Audience: "Wooo hooo!"
Obese DJ: "Take your hands out of your laps and put them together for a man who often goes where no man has gone before, for a man whose five year journey has taken him to planets full of alien pudenda, to a man who won't quit until you've reached your final frontier, for the man who puts the "rocket" in "your vagina"...Spaaaaaaaacemaaaaaaaan Stiff!"
Audience: "Wooooooooo!"
Spaceman Stiff: *STOMP STOMP STOMP* *BREATHING HEAVY* *STOMP STOMP STOMP* *SEEMS TO BE GYRATING OR SHAKING OR SHIVERING OR SOMETHING* *STRUGGLES WITH HIS HELMET*
Audience: "Take it off! Take it all off!"
Spaceman Stiff: *POPS A LATCH ON SIDE OF HELMET* *STRUGGLES WITH OTHER LATCH* *TRIES TO SHAKE OFF HEAVY GLOVES* *BREATHING HEAVY* *STRUGGLES WITH HELMET SOME MORE*
Audience: "Come on! Take it off! Take fucking something off!"
Spaceman Stiff: *BENDS DOWN TO REMOVE A BOOT* *FALLS OVER* *HEAVY BREATHING* *PASSES OUT*
Audience: "Oh for fuck's sake! Bring out the Native American!"

Out on the Salt Flats, The Flash finds a piece of an exploded monorail. The only important monorail in The New 52 is the one that The Rogues tried to steal about ten issues ago. You remember? When Doctor Elias was claiming he had invented a new energy source that could run the monorail for years and years? The one where the cast of Lost were, for some unknown reason, hanging out in the audience? Yeah! That monorail! That one is probably this one that The Flash just found exploded! The Flash thinks so as well and he takes it his girlfriend to have her examine it since she's with CSI: Salt Flats.

Oh fuck. He's in trouble already. I don't blame Patty for being somewhat uncomfortable. Look at that ass on Iris!

Patty drops some acid, turns on some Led Zeppelin and puts the scrap metal under a black light only to discover it is covered in semen. She tells The Flash, "Far out!" And he says, "Groovy." Then Iris says, "Cock a doodle doo." The walls begin to melt and everybody's speech begins to sound distorted. Then The Flash starts giggling uncontrollably and Iris says, "Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!"

What really happens is Patty begins using technical jargon like "analysis" and "Bunsen burner" and "DNA" which causes me to zone out and begin fantasizing. And then I decided to type what really happened even though I don't usually do that. Which has to make you think, all y'all who read these commentaries to simply find out what is happening in each comic every month, what else have I been lying about? Do you really know what took place in Batman #14? I know for sure that if you only read my commentary on Blackhawks #8, you'll be sore disappointed to find out it was nothing like what I wrote. I know! Shocking!

And then The Flash takes his newly found semen information to go compare it to Doctor Elias's semen. Because it's either his or some random homeless person that was hanging out on the monorail when it was stolen by The Rogues.

Patty doesn't have time for your speed puns, you fucking whore.

Meanwhile Doctor Elias is still in his lab. He's internally monologuing some really nutty and typical super villain things. He should really be putting this stuff on Twitter instead of wasting it in his own headspace.

Reverse Flash @doceli: "If I could turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing."
Reverse Flash @doceli: "Get it? Because I literally can turn back time! And I'm not changing it!"
Reverse Flash @doceli: "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

And then Doctor Elias gets his face smashed into his computer banks by himself. I mean, by Reverse Flash. Which probably means that he is not The Reverse Flash. But if you've been reading all of my entries about Tim Drake being Harvest, then you know I'm not quite ready to give up on my theory!

Not quite solid enough proof yet!

The Flash turns up just in time to keep Reverse Flash from reverse killing Doctor Elias. Wait. Is that right? I'm confused. All I'm sure about is that Reverse Flash reversing time is a lot like Time Travel which was supposed to be impossible after Flashpoint but which became a rule that nobody really gave a shit about, especially Tott Dedell (for newbies, that's Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco. I'm pretty certain they're the same person). The Flash had better put a stop to Reverse Flash quickly or else The New 52 is going to get New 52'd.

The Flash and Reverse Flash begin a vigorous bout of fisticuffs because what else are you going to do when two guys with speed powers fight? It's just going to be like two drunk douchebags outside of a bar! Except Reverse Flash does seem to have some kind of Porcupine Power where he shoots off quills from his body which puts him at a distinct advantage.

I'm pretty sure you could replace Barry Allen with a sexy lamp and this comic would still make sense.

The Flash #22 Rating: No change. Sorry, The Flash, but I'm instituting some changes to my rating system during your commentary! I really liked this issue but I've been going too easy on comics lately! From now on, a comic book has to do something that I think is extraordinary to receive a +1 Ranking! Mostly because I don't actually give much of a fuck about the reviewing part of the commentary. This shit isn't about my reviews! It's about my reactions as I read the comic books! It's also about glimpses into my super secret sexy lifestyle. By not raising ranks as often, I also have less to update on the home page! Woo hoo! By all accounts though, this is one of my favorite comics of The New 52 and I can easily recommend it more highly. I'm just being lazy so I'm only recommending it about this much. Just imagine my hands apart at whatever length you think is less than they should be.