Green Lanterns #3

Congratulations! It only took you three issues to pull the oldest fucking trick in the book and have the heroes fight each other, Sam Humphries!

The Commentary!
I haven't read the comic book so my caption for the cover could be wrong. I know better than to trust the covers of comic books. They lie worse than my sister in Junior High¹. But in this case, I'm going to assume the cover isn't lying because Simon and Jessica are up against the Red Lanterns and they like to make people angry. So Jess and Si are probably going to be influenced by the Red Rage which will amplify all of their feelings of annoyance at the other and they'll wind up battling. Jessica will probably lose because she can't make light constructs and she doesn't have a gun.

I'm trying really, really hard not to rant about how much I ha...oh fuck it. Here I go!

Why the fuck do comic book writers insist on writing narration as if the main character is speaking directly to the reader? I bet you anything every one of these fucking writers who use this crutch think Catcher in the Rye is a fantastic novel. Well it isn't! It's terrible and awful and utter crap and only people who have never realized that they don't have to do everything everybody ever fucking told them to do would find Catcher in the Rye in any way inspiring or thought provoking! But I didn't begin this rant to shit all over J.D. Salinger (no matter how much J.D. deserves to be shat upon!)! I am completely pulled out of the story when the comic book characters decide to speak directly to me. Especially with the goddamned cutesy bullshit fuck garbage like "(Don't worry. I didn't do it.)" on this page! I'm not a fan of any Narration Boxes but I can at least stomach the ones where that mimic the old fashioned thought bubbles. I can understand bringing out the thoughts the character is having in the moment. But this fucking tripe that sounds like an actor giving the DVD Commentary on every scene? It makes my fucking dick ache. Sam Humphries owes me for anti-dick-ache medication!

Now that I'm done ranting for the moment, what is up with that list of names on the cover? Holy fuck, how many people does it take to create a mediocre comic book?! Apparently, at the last minute, some of these artists were told they were responsible for pages they were never prepared to draw!

This is proof of my previous statement! I fucking can draw cats better than this! And I stopped hiding proportion mistakes by hiding the ankles and feet behind other objects in 9th grade art thanks to Mr. Sanchez!

The last page of the first issue made it look like Atrocitus was fucking the Earth and after the revelations in this panel, I see why! He really is fucking the Earth with the Hell Tower² to plant his Rage Seed in Mother Earth's Core³. And I guess nine months later, Deathstork will deliver a rage baby who will destroy the Earth.

Atrocitus commands Bleez to stop the Green Lanterns before they can interrupt his sexing up of Mother Earth. He tells Bleez she is the best but really he just likes watching her fly away from him. Because she wears a thong and her butt is exposed! Plus the only other Red Lantern he brought with him to Earth is Dex-Starr and Dex-Starr is fucking useless. All a Green Lantern has to do is shine a green light on the wall and Dex flips the fuck out for ten minutes before totally losing his mind, flying from the room, and finding a quiet place to lick his ass for the rest of the evening.

Simon and Jessica arrive in St. Louis to battle Bleez but decide to bicker first.

How the fuck does the artist, inker, colorist, and editor have no idea about the comic book they're working on? Simon Baz's gun is real, you idiots!

Bleez arrives to show Jessica how to make simple constructs with her red ring. She learned that trick from Rankorr! Maybe Jessica will learn from watching Bleez. If Jess didn't die when Bleez attacked because she's currently trapped under some rubble.

After Simon is thrown against a building with his teddy bear, Jessica climbs out of the rubble to take her turn. But first she has to remind all of the readers that she suffers from crippling anxiety. She has to mention it in a Narration Box because you'd never guess from the way she acts in the comic books. Jess also gets thrown into a building because she's terrible at Green Lanterning. I suppose it was Volthoom doing all the work previously.

This made me chuckle. This is an acceptable Narration Box.

Simon begins to be taken over by the rage so I guess he and Jessica will fight it out soon. I bet Jessica gets the upper hand so that Simon has to grudgingly give her his respect.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, the Bohemian Guardian has arrived to reveal what's in the box⁴. I hope it's the fabled Magenta Ring! But he'll only reveal it to the Green Lantern of Earth, so I guess the revelation of the box's contents will have to wait another issue or two since Si and Jess are busy.

Simon Baz resists the rage deep in his heart and instead decides to do that healing thing he did once before. That thing that no other Green Lantern has ever managed to do! That thing that set Simon apart from every other Earth Lantern ever created! That thing that I thought everybody completely forgot about when everybody forgot about Simon! Simon Baz decides to heal Bleez! And it works! She's transformed back into her pre-Red Lantern self! She even has her original wings! But she also retains all the memories of the horrible shit she did as a Red Lantern, which I guess is just too much for her.

Where did her little head wings go?!

Simon convinces Bleez not to kill herself and to maybe go out for pizza later. But first she tells him all about Atrocitus's Hell Tower² and how it needs to be destroyed. That's when Jessica returns and doesn't notice that Bleez looks different and that Simon has an erection.

Jessica's attack causes Bleez to return to Red Lantern status. Or maybe Simon's healing efforts simply wore off. Or maybe something really dirty happened that involves lady parts and lady fingers and little lady deaths! It's hard to tell for sure because I've already convinced myself that Bleez rubbed one out while Jessica was thinking up hilarious battle quips.

After returning to Red Lantern status, Bleez flees from the battle to hide from the Green Lanterns and from Atrocitus because she gave away his plan. So I guess no pizza then?

Simon and Jessica head back to the Hell Tower² to destroy it. But once they get there, Jessica is infected by the rage and attacks Simon. So the cover wasn't a lie! It was actually a spoiler for the last page! The battle won't take place until next issue!

The Review!
Okay, okay! Aside from the initial Narration Boxes that really just work as introductions to the story so far (but--I still maintain--do not work as a logical narrative device!), I enjoyed this comic book. A good portion of the Narration Boxes used later work as thought bubbles, so they didn't completely bug the shit out of me. And I really appreciated that Simon Baz's healing power has been brought back into the story. With so many Earth Green Lanterns, they all really need a little something that sets them apart. Hal is the fly by the seat of his pants test pilot leader! John Stewart is the architect of always having to sacrifice somebody! Simon Baz is the uplifting healer! Kyle Rayner is the guy who can think up really cool light constructs! Jessica Cruz is the Green Lantern that was evil and is now anxious! And Guy Gardner is the Green Lantern with a huge cock! See? They're all special in their own way! I just hope the Red Lanterns fuck off after this initial story and Sam Humphries imagines up some of his own cosmic conflicts rather than using Geoff Johns' fucking scraps. Except for Dex-Starr! Maybe Simon can heal Dex-Starr and get him a Green Lantern ring! Or a Blue Lantern ring! Who wouldn't want a cat sidekick that gives the heroes hope? I'm all in for that plot twist! _________________________________________________
¹She lied a lot!
²Atrocitus's nickname for his penis.
³The core is the geographically correct name for the Earth's womb.
⁴You probably already made your own Se7en joke so fuck if I'm going to look like a hack and repeat it.

Justice League #1

Who can even stand against this team? Two Green Lanterns! A god! A Kryptonian! A speedster! A shapechanging computer! The Jeezly-Crow Batman! And a wet guy!

The Commentary!
The issue begins with a splash page of Wonder Woman that Greg Rucka wouldn't approve of because her underwear is showing. It's mostly a waste of space but I'm pretty sure it's in Tony S. Daniel's contract that he get to draw at least one large picture of a female in every comic book he works on. Wonder Woman is riding the Bolt of Zeus through the sky to remind everybody that it's her new weapon. I think she got it in Bryan Hitch's JLA comic book which never had a conclusion and probably never will because at this point, who the fuck cares? It wasn't even as great as all of the other comic book reviewers thought it was! Even if I thought it was good (which I don't think I did!), I was wrong if I did indeed do. Or whatever.

Anyway, I guess Bryan Hitch didn't like the idea that Wonder Woman could fly on her own or that she had an invisible jet. He needed her to fly around on the awesome weapon he created for her. I think that means Bryan Hitch isn't actually writing the character of Wonder Woman in this comic book. He's just writing the Bolt of Zeus.

On the second and third page (which is all just one gigantic image because Tony S. Daniel), Wonder Woman strikes the ground with the Bolt, blowing up tanks and soldiers all around her.

Who thought allowing Bryan Hitch to write a Tony S. Daniel drawn comic book was a good idea?! Bryan Hitch is a lazy writer and Tony S. Daniel loves to draw double splash pages. You know what that equation adds up to? Less motherfucking story, motherfuckers! But as long as Tony S. Daniel fans get to look at majestic two-page spreads full of action, I suppose everybody¹ is happy! On the upside, the two pages of image are only marred by one tiny Narration Box because the only work Bryan Hitch plans on doing to earn his check is cashing it.

War is a half-naked woman riding a bolt of lightning out of the sky to scold you with barely comprehensible phrases!

Wonder Woman explains to the Russians that she has given them every opportunity to start believing the things she believes. But since they believe other things and those things involve tanks and bullets, she's decided to kick all of their asses. I don't want to get my ass kicked by Wonder Woman! I hope I believe everything she believes too!

I can't believe Wonder Woman's attack on the Russians was sanctioned by the Justice League. At least not without Batman pulling one of those moments where he quits rather than be a part of international disputes. This must just be part of her job as the God of War. Plus Tony S. Daniel wouldn't draw this comic book without at least seven full pages of Wonder Woman action.

While Wonder Woman is teaching the Russians what happens when they don't toe her line, the entire city is shaken and destroyed.

He must not understand English very well since "killed us all" includes him and he's not dead. "Dumb Russian! Learn proper English!" typed the person who only knows one language.

This issue is called "The Extinction Machines" and it's Part One of a series that will probably never end because Bryan Hitch never finished JLA and now I don't trust him to finish anything at all. Extinction sounds pretty bad! It's a good thing the Justice League has all of those great members on the team as well as Aquaman.

The disaster Wonder Woman just witnessed is happening all around the world with death tolls probably in the millions. I just wrote a short bit called "Stranger Things: What About Barb?" where I discussed the reasons for my distaste of epic disaster movies with which Hollywood seems to be so in love. The problem with them is that the audience roots for a small number of people to survive a disaster in which hundreds of thousands die. Why should I fucking care about the arbitrary story of a couple of good looking people when regular folks are dying in the background of every single scene? Why would I want to celebrate at the end of a two hour cinematic experience where I just watched thousands of people killed? What's there to be happy about that the handful of main stars survived the near apocalypse? And why the fuck do I give a shit about the Justice League if their help amounts to saving just a small percentage of people caught in the disaster?

Although after typing all of that, Simon and Jessica do a pretty fucking good job of keeping the people of Beijing safe. So I guess that's one city where the League did a great fucking job! Although should I really put give congratulations to the Justice League? This was more of a Green Lantern Corps save! If only there were more Green Lanterns on Earth, the world could breathe a sigh of relief!

Even if I decide to believe that the Justice League saves every life, as shown during Flash's bit in San Francisco where he doesn't let one person down, I still have a horrible, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about how much work is going to go into reconstruction! Even Atlantis is falling apart since they don't have any heroes available to save them².

In Hong Kong, the residents steal the power from Simon and Jess's ring because Green Lantern Rings are the most unreliable gadgets in the universe. They're just so powerful that the enemy always has to remove their power. Although who cares if Jess's loses power since she can't even make constructs yet! What a waste!

Everywhere around the world, people have begun speaking in a red voice about being part of The Kindred and stealing the powers of the Justice League. Fuck. I knew Bryan Hitch wasn't here to do any writing! Can we stop having stories where the heroes have their powers stolen?! It's the weakest, least imaginative way to turn the tables on the Justice League and it's been extremely overused in the last five years alone.

Batman finally checks in from Gotham because he's got a bit of a situation that he doesn't recognize for some reason even though he and the team just recently battled Space Lice quite similar to this.

If only Batman had Freeze Breath!

While the Green Lanterns and The Flash get their powers stolen, Aquaman gets his words stolen because his powers are silly. Then Atlantis crumbles into a chasm at the bottom of the sea and Wonder Woman points out that The Kindred can't win because she has friends. Super friends³!

The Review!
It's hard to have a Justice League book without an otherworldly invaders threatening the lives of everybody on Earth. Even Geoff Johns can't get around that, what with his Darkseid's Invasion and his Crime Syndicate's Invasion and his Darkseid's Invasion II. And that's what Bryan Hitch is giving us with the new Rebirth Justice League. I thought maybe they would be battling the Watchmen in this book but I think that's been saved for whatever book Wally West is in, right? And who would give that huge of a continuity plot to Bryan Hitch and Tony S. Daniel to fuck up?! Does DC even believe this comic book will get past Issue #8?! I predict the story will bleaker and bleaker and then Bryan Hitch will walk away from it around Issue #5. I also predict Wonder Woman will have a shower scene in an issue or two. What I don't predict is that my interest will wax at all on this thing. It's just another standard alien invasion, Justice League members lose their powers, possible end of the world Justice League story. Haven't we seen every variation of this plot yet?
_______________________________________________________
¹By "everybody," I actually just mean Tony S. Daniel fans.

²Just Aquaman.

³Although some of them aren't as super as they used to be.

Superman #3

I didn't realize Kenneth Rocafort could draw actual geometric shapes.

The Commentary!
I fear that no matter how well Tomasi and Gleason handle Superman, I'm just never going to forgive them for killing Goldie. It's like when you're dating somebody and they have sex with somebody else and you're all, "But I trusted you! Now you've lost my trust!" And then they're all, "Who are you?" It just makes me so mad! And now that Goldie has had a proper burial and Lois and Clark have apparently forgiven Jon for murdering the family pet, I'm afraid Tomasi and Gleason won't ever mention it again! I hope Damian finds out Jon killed Goldie so that Damian can look down his nose at him. Damian can take out my anger on Jon by saying things like "Alfred Pennyworth the Cat is just the best! Aren't cats the best? Do you have a non-dead cat, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can be all, "I have a dog too! I see you have a dog! Some people think dogs are better than cats and probably wouldn't care that much if their cat died but would think the world was ending if their dog died. You and your parents aren't assholes like that, are you guys, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can just give Jon another concussion and call him a fucking cat killing cunt.

For those keeping score, I still hate Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason! That isn't a criticism of their writing though! They're mostly pretty good at that when their stories aren't revolving around the death of a beloved family pet.

Last issue, the Smith family discovered that their son Jon could suffer from concussions. Clark probably implied that it was caused by Lois's weak genes and then Lois was all, "Well at least he doesn't suffer from severe Kryptonite allergies that could kill him because of me!" This issue, they've taken a trip up to the Fortress of Solitude to run tests on Jon. While there, Superman discovers a strange person in a Superman outfit petting Krypto. So Superman says, "Hi! You must be a guest of Supergirl's since Superman left this place to her! I'm her cousin...sort of...and I've come to use some of her gadgets. My name is Clark. What's your?" No! Just kidding! Superman punches the guy in the face!

If somebody was punching me in the face because I looked like somebody who made them that angry, I'd probably deny being that person in the hopes that they would stop.

The Eradicator is claiming that he can save Krypton which is as bad an argument to get Superman to stop punching him as claiming that he is, indeed, the Eradicator. Krypton is gone, man! Let it go! Remember the last time somebody tried to bring Krypton back? You're lucky if you don't because it was a story by Scott Lobdell and it was awful. Pointing out a story by Scott Lobdell is awful probably isn't necessary but I just want to be absolutely clear that Scott Lobdell can't write worth shit. But at least he didn't kill Goldie.

During the fight, Eradicator finally does something that doesn't make Superman more suspicious: he saves Lois and Jon from the shoddy workmanship of the Fortress of Solitude. This is so cliché that I really wish Cat Murderer would have gone with my initial suggestion of having Superman greet Eradicator as if he's a friend of Supergirl's. He knows he's on another Earth and he has experience with dealing with people from other Earths. So why would he automatically assume that somebody who was an asshole on his Earth has to be an asshole on this Earth? Look at this Earth's Superman: total asshole! But Preboot Superman wasn't one at all. Well, at least not until now! Now he's got a case of punch-first-ask-questions-lateritis! Besides, Krypto seemed cool with him when they entered. Doesn't Superman trust his own dog? I mean, a version of his own dog!

After the Kryptonian technology tells Clark and Lois what they already knew from observation--that Jon's body is vacillating from vulnerable to invulnerable--Superman begins the questioning portion of his disease. The line of questioning leads to the discovery that Eradicator is now all about eugenics. He's trying to recreate the perfect race. One way is to have Superman and Supergirl fuck but since they're first cousins, that could lead to all kinds of genetic abnormalities by strengthening recessive genes when what Eradicator wants is strong Kryptonians. So he decides another way to make the master race would be better: obliterate the human DNA from Jon's body without parental consent. The first step of cleansing Jon is to ingest him. Sounds like the bylaws at a NAMBLA convention. During the ingestion process, Cat Murderer and his co-writer, Other Cat Murderer, decide to double down on their dead pet plot points.

Fucking dicks!

Now, I know Krypto isn't really dead. I mean, I'm pretty sure Krypto isn't really dead. Eradicator was just sucking Jon into him so he could digest the human DNA before spitting Jon back out. Plus, I think Eradicator's mouth is just a portal to the Phantom Zone. So Krypto is just back on familiar territory. He won't be too freaked out because I'm sure a good portion of the Phantom Zone has been marked by his piss.

Superman decides it might be time to go back to the punching part of his sickness since the questions asking part was a huge failure. While a probably confused Eradicator gets beaten to a pulp, Jon sheds more tears for Krypto than he ever shed for Goldie. What a cat killing dick. He also picks up Krypto's cape because it just happens to be a size 8y.

The Review!
What kind of review do you expect me to give this comic book?! It's all about killing pets! Is Tomasi on horse tranquilizers?! What the fuck is wrong with him?! Now I've got to go out and register DogsinRefrigerators.com and PetsinRefrigerators.com to go along with KittensinRefrigerators.com. Should I just go ahead and prepare for the future by getting GerbilsinRefrigerators.com and HamstersinRefrigerators.com and ChinchillasinRefrigerators.com and GuineaPigsinRefrigerators.com and BunniesinRefrigerators.com too?! Who is going to continue to read a book about pets dying?! If I wanted to read about pets dying, I would log in to Facebook on a daily basis! Did Tomasi lose a bet with Geoff Johns? Was Tomasi's punishment to write stories that anybody with a heart would completely hate?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

Batgirl and the Birds of Prey Rebirth #1

My male gaze is so hard right now.

The Commentary!
The New 52 Birds of Prey was a really terrible book. Apparently Gail Simone called it "The Birds That Craps." That seems a little too witty for something Gail Simone would come up so I tend to believe Gail Simone when she says she never called them that. Although I think Gail Simone should apologize anyway instead of "Fact Policing" people. How dare she tell somebody that they believe stupid things that couldn't possibly be factual since who would know better than Gail Simone if she said it? That's a bit presumptuous! I did call the New 52 Birds of Prey "The Turds of Prey" though because I'm as hilarious as a twelve year old farting during music class.

I kind of hope this comic book is terrible too so that I can call it Batgirl and the Turds of Prey! Ha ha! Still funny!

Batgirl begins this issue by pissing me off. She's all, "I'm back from training overseas! Read it about it in my solo comic book which comes out tomorrow! I don't know why DC didn't schedule that book to be published before this book! I guess because DC is full of dum-dums!" Okay, maybe part of that quote was from the Editor, Chris Suckerfuck. I made up the last name because Chris was too stupid to put his or her last name in the Asterisk Information Box.

Batgirl shows off her new overseas training by explaining to herself (who else would she be Narration Boxing to? Not the reader, certainly! That would mean schizophrenic!) why she's using the different moves she's using. She explains why she kicks a guy in the jaw: because she stepped in dog shit earlier and she finds it funny. She explains why she punches a guy in the tits: because most men are self-conscious if they have flabby pectorals and she finds humiliating them funny. She explains why she sweeps the leg of another thug: because Sensei Kreese said to.

After beating up the thugs, Barb snoops around on one of their phones because she doesn't have to worry about search and seizure laws. It's the best part about being a vigilante! I mean, after all the sweet poontang. Not that Barbara Gordon is taking advantage of that perk. She thinks she's too smart to have a penis inside of her. And she probably is because who wants to fuck somebody dumber than themselves? I can barely talk to people dumber than me although that doesn't stop me from talking with the Non-Certified Spouse's sister. Oh! Burn, Lindsey! You loser! But seriously! Who wants some troglodyte poking around in their lady caves? Barbara Gordon is so smart she'll never find anybody to have sex with. Especially since she kind of ruined her relationship with Lucas Fox who might have been at least close enough to her intelligence to bang. So I guess she's going to have to stick to her Bat-Back-Massager and her Bat-Bathtub-Tap.

Great! More Batgirl imposters! Can't she battle anybody at all who isn't trying to be her? Like she's so fucking special!

Batgirl seems surprised that, yet again, somebody is pretending to be her. Or at least a version of herself that she used to be. She says, "I guess in my case, the past is apparently prologue." Isn't that the case in everybody's case? I mean, my past came before now and I think now is the main story, so the past must be the prologue. Unless this second is just the prologue to my sudden fame and fortune! And then my past is apparently pro-prologue!

Because this is Rebirth, Barbara Gordon needs to straighten out her history for all of the continuity nerds dying to learn which stories they've read have now been relegated to the dustbin and thus were a huge waste of time. Too bad for a lot of people, one of those stories wasn't The Killing Joke. Since that's the one that got the wheelchair rolling on the whole Oracle thing, I suppose it has to be the first major story declared canon in Batgirl's Rebirth.

The Joker shot Barbara Gordon in the spine to make Gordon and Batman feel bad. I suppose he wanted Barbara to feel bad too but he didn't really know her that well, so he just shot her in the spine and left her for dead (after taking naked pictures of her) before taking her father to the amusement park to sodomize him while little people in fetish leather danced around singing. I don't really remember The Killing Joke that well but I think I got the gist of it. Barbara wound up in a wheelchair and since, according to Babs, Gotham wasn't made for the disabled (only the mentally ill apparently!), she decided to help fight crime with her brains! And a computer too! Mostly the computer.

Oh, so we're going to pretend that she didn't work for the Suicide Squad first? Are we just erasing Ostrander's creation of Oracle from DC History? Way to go, jerkbros!

Don't worry, John Ostrander! I still remember that you created Oracle no matter what everybody else is being told to believe!

Anyway, the Birds of Prey were formed (probably the Preboot Birds and not the New 52 Turds. Might as well use the well written history and not the confusing mess by Swierczynski) until Barbara regained the ability to walk through experimental brain surgery. Then Dinah flounced off annoyed, went on tour, ruined the careers of several musicians and even more venue owners, and then quit music forever to go fuck Oliver Queen in Seattle. I guess she only does that on the weekends though because she needs to spend the weekdays with the new Birds of Prey in Gotham.

Bo Maeve and the old Black Canary band are back in town to play Burnside so that Burnside Tofu doesn't go out of xerox. That's my clever way of saying "out of print" for a fanzine! Totally genius commentary on the punk lifestyle of the zinesters! Because of Bo's word balloon during the concert, I don't know if Black Canary kept the name Black Canary or changed it to Black Tuna. Oh fuck how I hope they changed it!

Barb finds Dinah at the concert and brings her back to her place. Ohhhhh, my male gaze is getting excited!

I hope nobody notices the clock never moves past 8:29 and realizes there must be no gears behind it which could only mean it's the lair of a superhero!

Black Canary decides to help under the name of the Birds of Prey but just for one night! She doesn't want a repeat of the last time where they were called Turds of Prey by that hilariously snarky but super intelligent and perceptive critic. Their first step is to track down the person passing around the information from Oracle to the mob bosses. Their second step should be killing Batgirl so nobody else can steal her memories and cause all this fucking trouble.

Meanwhile, The Huntress (the new Helena Bertinelli version and not the old version. Although this is Rebirth so just forget about all of the versions except for this one) is killing mobsters and the next one on her list is the one the Birds of Prey are going after. I bet this is how they meet! I hope Helena gets her chocolate in Dinah's peanut butthole.

"That's it! Everybody get naked!" No?

Helena makes sure Black Canary and Batgirl know that Helena knows their names. That should make them trust her! They won't think she's Oracle at all now!

Meanwhile, Oracle sits in front of a bunch of computer screens just like every other villain in Rebirth has done so far. I guess he's just another Doctor Ozymanhattandias.

The Review!
I don't know what to think about this comic book yet. This is obviously just the part of the story where the members of the future Birds of Prey are simply being gathered in one place so that they can say, "Hey! We should all be members of the Turds of Prey again! Nobody tell Katana! We don't want her murdering hundreds of people when she blows up another hotel like last time!" The main reason I'm not sure about it is that nothing really happens. Comic books tend to spend way too much time on prologue. They should just get right to the part where these three come together hunting the same person and start from there! That should be Page One! But instead I have to read all this bullshit about how they formed. I don't like the getting to know each other bullshit! I like the bullshit where they're already good friends who don't mind walking around the apartment in front of the others in their panties!

The Hellblazer Rebirth #1

The Commentary!
Let's try this again! Hellblazer was going along fine and dandy over in the Vertigo world when some asshole at DC Comics decided that Constantine needed to be actively engaged in their superhero universe. Most of the people enjoying Hellblazer at the time probably thought this was a really stupid idea. And I want to point out how it wasn't a really stupid idea so that I can make those snobby elitists look like royal assholes! But I'm one of them! It was a bad idea! You cannot have a John Constantine who isn't allowed to say "cunt"! It just doesn't work. DC finally realized that it doesn't work so they dumped the awful New 52 Constantine which basically consisted of John battling magic monsters and then casting a spell which will have real horrible consequences. It always worked to drive away the monster and Constantine and his mates never really had to deal with any consequences. I guess Constantine once had to make it so Zatanna never loved him while he still loved her but who the fuck cares about that?! You don't need magic to love somebody who doesn't give a shit about you!

In the re-revamped version of Constantine, DCYou's Constantine the Hellblazer, John was now allowed to swear as much as he wanted! But the letters in the swears were all replaced by pentagrams. The series was much better for it but not perfect because he still couldn't say ⍟⍟⍟⍟! DC Comics, unaware of the real problem haunting their inability to recreate the Constantine magic, killed Constantine the Hellblazer too. It was time for John Constantine to get a Rebirth! That's the comic book I'm going to read now! And I should already point out that it's not going to be very good because it's an American comic book that isn't rated for Mature Readers Only, so no way is John going to be able to say cunt. I might as well not even bother!

The issue begins with a little two page story about how John Constantine lost his home of London and was banished to New York City. It's the usual Constantine story. John pisses off a demon. Demon gets ready to make John pay. John says some things that makes the demon rethink who might be the most powerful person in the John/Demon relationship. John lights a cigarette. Demon lets John live. John adds another vastly powerful entity to his list of immortal enemies.

And maybe John said cunt? Does "lie like a cunt rug, mate" make sense?

But then Donald Trump began making a run for president and Constantine decided there were some battles he doesn't want to get caught up in, so he headed back home to London and his buddy Chas who apparently isn't dead. Whether or not he had died somewhere along the way, I have no idea anymore. And since this is a Rebirth, I don't have to know anyway! Free pass for everybody! Continuity police can reset their watches after their done sitting flummoxed in their La-Z-Boy recliners pouting and covered in nacho cheese sauce. There's not time for arguing how old Constantine might be or whether or not he's had sex with Swamp Thing! Because those things don't matter anymore! Well, I guess John's age might matter, eventually. As it is now, it doesn't matter if he lived through New York's Punk Scene or if he missed it because he was way too young. It doesn't matter if he's in love with Zatanna or if he's in love with that little blonde thing from Chelsea. Also, I might have made up the blonde thing. But that's my point! It doesn't matter!

This nameless lass is my favorite character in Rebirth so far. Maybe she'll become the new Anguished Fat Man! Vapid Stoner Girl!

Since this is Rebirth, Oliver is taking the readers on a quick synopsis of the things that now matter in Constantine's life. The most important one of those is that if John spends any appreciable time in London, his soul will leave his body due to the curse placed on him by the demon he humiliated. But Constantine has a plan to break that curse so that London can get back to being his Gotham. He never really was suited to be a New Yorker, no matter how many times the reader was told that he was on the cutting edge of the punk-magic scene and how many people he fucked in the bathrooms at CBGB.

Somebody should open a mediocre restaurant franchise and call it CBGBs. Maybe all of the boarded up TGIFridays can just rebrand without doing any renovations: CBGBurgers. That would be punk, right? Instead of a restaurant with sawdust on the floor, CBGBs can be a restaurant with sawdust falling from the ceiling! And exposed insulation on every wall! And raccoons living in the ceiling! That's punk, right?

Meanwhile a woman who lives in a hobbit hole and and raises goats is...well, sticking candles in her vagina? I'm not too clear on that. All I know is that there's suddenly another female character drawn by Moritat that I'm probably going to develop a huge crush on, candles or no candles.

I know I was making jokes about the quality of a Constantine comic book relying on whether or not he can say the word "cunt" but I didn't realize you could get away with having Constantine say "circle jerk".

I don't know how you hold a circle jerk together with old chewing gum but I'm going to find out by introducing chewing gum at my next circle jerk.

I have never believed in magic until I heard Alan Moore talk about the existence of magic. And then, through the magic of Alan Moore's words, he cast a spell on me so that I suddenly believed in magic. It was really easy to do too! He just told me to look at the definition of a magic spell and I was, "Oh yeah! Spells are cast with words and they change reality. That's just fucking words! That's making a speech! That's putting together an advertising campaign! That's convincing half of the American population that the world is burning around them and the only way to make it better is to vote in politicians who only have their own selfish interests at heart and don't give a shit about anybody else! Donald Trump is a demon summoned by the incessant rhetoric chanted by multiple Republican talking heads over the course of the last twenty years. That is real life magic and we're all going to be ass-raped by the vile and disgusting incubus the Republicans have summoned into being!"

Constantine's plan to escape the demon's curse is to transfer the curse from himself to every other resident of London. It's not that he doesn't care about the other people in London (he may or may not!), it's just that he definitely cares about himself. So even if his plan to overload the demon's realm with eight million souls all gathered at once doesn't get the demon to stop the curse, at least Constantine will still be alive!

Oliver makes sure to throw in a couple of pages of some Justice Leaguers discussing how something horrible has happened in London and it's probably Constantine's fault and that maybe they should kick his teeth down his pint of Guinness. But Swamp Thing shows up to tell Wonder Woman and Shazam to maybe stand down on this one because even though everybody in London is about to die, Constantine probably has a handle on the situation. That's good enough for Wonder Woman! Especially since Swamp Thing will be to blame if everybody dies. If anybody says, "Wonder Woman! Why didn't you do anything?!" She can just say, "Swamp Thing told me not to! It's his fault!"

Constantine and the demon engage in one of those conversations that John always manages to get started which his opponents should really know by now not to be tricked into. The smart thing to do when you've got the upper hand over Constantine is to close your eyes, cover your ears, and scream "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" until Constantine is in hell. It's because Constantine knows that the real magic is in the words. The spells are just the special effects. That's why he's more con man than magician.

This time (as with loads of other times), Constantine's speechifying was just to buy time until the hobbit, Mercury, arrived to save the day.

Not only can she swear in pentagrams, she's also psychic! So she gets the demon's name for John so he can have some power over the bastard.

With the demon's name, Constantine ends the curse and Wonder Woman doesn't have to call a press conference to explain why she let everybody in London die.

The Review!
Since the comic book couldn't say it, I'll say it here: cunt! There, now it's a complete Hellblazer comic book. Oh, excuse me: The Hellblazer. How fucking stupid is that the?! I'm fucking choking on that piece of shit the! It doesn't have to be their, DC Comics! It's fucking stupid! As you might know, it's okay to have a new comic book with the same title as the old comic book, no matter how fucking confusing it is. You've done it countless times before! Just think how many Teen Titans #1 comic books are out there! Aside from the lack of cunts and the excess number of "the"s, this comic book was a pretty great start to a new John Constantine book. We got Chas and London and Constantine humiliating a demon and a woman who hates Constantine but is going to be forced to work with him so that he doesn't destroy the world trying to save himself. He eats some curry, he smokes a cigarette, he wears a trench coat, he has blonde hair. That's pretty much all I expect from a Hellblazer comic book! I wonder how many people are upset he didn't fuck a woman and a man in this issue and were all "How dare DC erase his bisexuality!" I suppose we all have different things about Constantine that we find are important to the character. Some people only give a shit about where he sticks his dick, and other people are into his mystical battles with the forces of hell and the trail of friends' corpses he leaves in his wake. If you're into the dick aspect, you might not like this issue because he doesn't outright state what he does with it. If you're into curries, you're going to fucking love this issue because Constantine fucking wrecks a vindaloo!

Harley Quinn #29

Issue #29?! I ran out of things to say about Harley by Issue #11!

The Review or Whatever!
I figured out the main ingredients to a Harley Quinn comic book last issue! I know, I know! How the hell did it take me nearly thirty issues to figure out what makes this book tick?! I suppose I was distracted by one of the main ingredients: lots of half-nude panels! This one starts off strong with the near nudity right there on the cover! Okay, so it's just a bit of breast smashed against a window. But you know what seeing a bit of breast means to a twelve year old boy¹? Plus the image of Harley as a gigantic robot on the first page is so sexy that I just fucked my toaster². Another main ingredient of a Harley Quinn comic book is loads of innuendo. Consider innuendo the onions of a Harley Quinn meal. If prepared right, they'll highlight the flavors and bring it all together. But if you fuck up, you've got food that tasted like an onion farted on it. While reading this issue, I will almost certainly wind up with innuendo fart breath. On the first page alone, you have a picture of a rooster named Mike which is a totally great dirty joke if you're just the right mix of mature and immature to understand it, and picture of Harley's beaver. That's an innuendo because she has a real beaver. It's stuffed³. And the main ingredient of a Harley Quinn comic which can successfully bring all of the other ingredients together: hinted at sex with Poison Ivy! I'm pretty sure that's the main reason fans read this book. Because they get some in canon material to help them jerk off⁴ to their Harley on Poison Ivy action. Oh! I almost forgot the spices! Sprinkle in a whole bunch of Holee Wordarollees and you're done!

This issue begins with a Japanese business man buying a Transformer to kill his unfaithful wife.

Here she is being unfaithful. And here I sit with an erection. I don't think the man's nipple had much to do with the erection.

The man the wife is fucking gets his head blown off in the middle of coitus. I think this means this comic book can't be sold in Germany! At least not to kids. Of course it's Rated Teen Plus, so obviously no kids in America are reading it either! If it weren't for the fucking bit, I bet this would be rated G for Goodness Sakes, Why Can't All The Little Tykes Enjoy It?!

After killing his wife's lover, his wife, and everybody in the company except his sexretary, the man makes the Transformer blows it's head off⁵. And since the head is where the pilot sits, the guy just killed himself. I suppose Harley will gain access to a Transformer herself before this issue is over. And maybe her Transformer will totally eat Poison Ivy's transformer's robot pussy!

After the robot death intro, Harley Quinn and Little Tony take to fussing with snow globes.

First actual Beaver Joke of the issue.

I maybe should have read a little further because Amanda and Jimmy make the Beaver Joke more explicit, just in case all of these beaver innuendos are way too subtle for the sophisticated readers of Harley Quinn.

After filling her beaver with balls, Harley heads out to get lunch with Poison Ivy. I don't think editorial has allowed anybody to make Harley and Poison Ivy's relationship sexually explicit, so it's just a bunch of scenes of cheek kisses and ramming huge hot dogs down their throats and talk of how they would fuck each other if stupid editorial would just butt the goddamned fuck out.

To pay their bills, Harley and Little Tony head out to steal some Transforming cars. They don't know they're Transformers yet! They'll probably figure that out when later they're attacked by that mobster who wants to kill Harley.

For some reason, they have a monkey with them.

After the job is a success and some bowling gets played, it's time for the robot fight. And then after the robot fight, it's time to kill the mobster who wanted Harley killed! And then after that, it's all over⁶!

_____________________________________________________________________________⁷
¹Twelve-year old boy is a synonym for "men of all ages".
²That didn't work out as well as I was hoping.
³I know it's stuffed because there's a formula for how many times that joke has been used. (X*Y)/(8=D) where all of the variables are equal to too many times.
⁴Jerk off is used here as a term for both male and female masturbation. Because it just sounds great even if women have nothing to jerk. Or do they?
⁵If it's called a cockpit, why isn't it in the cock? Not that this robot had a cock. But then shouldn't a synonym for vagina be cockpit?
⁶I suppose I could go into greater detail but it's all kind of silly.
⁷Is that enough underscores?

Harley Quinn #28

Even if Harley survives the explosion, she's probably going to lose her left leg.

The Review or Whatever
Somebody was trolling everybody concerned about Melania Trump's "ghost" writer for her speech at the RNC. They created a fake Twitter account for this "Meredith McIver" who probably exists but is really just a scapegoat for whoever actually wrote the speech plagiarizing Michelle Obama (whoever actually wrote it had to have been some joker sabotaging Trump. I picture the person just sitting back and smiling a goofy grin as Melania read Michelle Obama's words as a room full of Republicans applauded). This person was vehemently defending obviously photoshopped pictures of her with Trump and it was truly hilarious how people kept arguing with this "Meredith" about the reality of such obviously fake pictures. This person even had a poorly faked picture of Meredith standing outside 10 Downing Street with Piers Morgan.

The obviously Photoshopped image.

Seeing that this photo was such an obvious Photoshop of this person, I had to dig up the original. And I was so satisfied when I did!

I hate that, due to Photoshop and camera tricks and the influence of our lizard leaders, people think Piers Morgan has a human face.

Previously in this comic book, some editor was all, "Wouldn't Deadpool and Harley Quinn be perfect for each other?!" And another editor went, "Mmmphbmmphlemmph!" And the first editor went, "What was that?!" And the second editor took their tongue out of the first editor's ass and was all, "High-Lair-E-Us!" So after cleaning up the carpet, one of them called Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti's house to tell them the good news about their next story. Amanda answered the phone and was all, "Mmmphbmmphlemmph?"

That was a terrible joke that makes no sense! The reality is that the person getting their ass eaten out would answer the phone. Also, I'd rather imagine Amanda's ass being eaten out then Jimmy's. I think I went wrong on that count too.

Not surprisingly, this comic book begins with a "Holee Wordarolee" exclamation and then Harley making up a funny name for Red Tool. Up next, Harley makes an innuendo about her beaver and farts.

Whenever Harley says a Holee Somethingolee, I just lose my shit! I don't mean I laugh hysterically! I mean I tear my fucking house apart.

It must be such a sweet job to get the Harley gig at DC Comics. You can put in minimal effort writing scripts because you know you've got a loyal fan base who will buy plenty of copies. As long as the script offers plenty of fan service with semi-nude shots of Harley and a heaping holee helping of near sexual encounters wit Poison Ivy, nobody is going to complain that the jokes are tired and the passion missing.

Semi-nude shot? Check!

The issue finishes up with another semi-nude shot while Deadpool gives a five page book report on Harley Quinn's history and her motivations. You know, to prove to the readers that Amanda and Jimmy know the character super well! It's a bit obnoxious for the writer to just lay out their take on the character but at least it's a better summary of Harley than Sean Ryan's take in Suicide Squad #22.