The Hellblazer #3

How did this cover make the cut? If I were editor, I would have scrapped it and just went with a blank red cover.

• For years now, journalists have heaped scorn on and rolled their eyes at Internet news bloggers. But have any of those journalists ever become the shadow puppet master of the future president of the United States controlling the appointment of key cabinet figures to tear down the whole entire system? I think not! Journalists, you owe bloggers an apology! They were apparently far more powerful than you ever considered! Oh, and probably far more vile and racist than you ever could have imagined. And now because you were afraid to look biased and too left-leaning (even though, no matter how much you tried to move right of center, you were criticized anyway!) while Internet news sites (both fake and super fake (and, of course, racist and misogynistic)) didn't mind destroying the right end of the spectrum to open up some new and fertile land even further right from the center than ever before, we have a large chunk of the voting populace too blinded by hate and propaganda to understand the stakes of what is happening.

• Here's an easy test to find out if you understand propaganda: if you think scientists are biased and lean too far to the left and have some sort of pernicious agenda, you might be a redneck. Dammit. I fucked that up and stole garbage material at the same time! I meant to say you're being swindled by textbook propaganda. I know, I know! If you're one of them, you've just rolled your eyes and scoffed and maybe snorted a french fry out of your nose while thinking, "You've fallen for propaganda!" That's why propaganda is so insidious! Because one side sees reality for what it is and the other side confidently thinks they see reality for what it is but are just pigs at the trough soon headed for slaughter. There's a saying the conspiracy nutters rely on: Follow the money. No scientist is getting rich by trying to explain the reality of the world through science and the government isn't getting rich off of creating regulations. But the people who deny climate change? They do so because regulations limiting pollution cost them money. Regulations limiting the accumulation of resources cost them money. Regulations protecting people from corporations razing the land limit profits.

• One of the bits of propaganda used to get people rabidly against the idea of climate change is that it will somehow affect their lives drastically. But the changes being made will affect the average person as much as the estate tax affects them. Meaning it won't affect them at all. You might be encouraged to recycle or compost but that's just because it's as easy to do those things as throw shit in the trash. And guess what? You really don't have to do it, if you're that maddened by the entire prospect. Just like you'll almost certainly never have enough money to be affected by the estate tax when you die, you will also never generate enough pollution in your individual life that the government is going to regulate how you live it. Government regulations to limit pollution are there not because they're growing too powerful and uppity and doing whatever they want. They're there because without them, corporations would simply flip the bird at every citizen in this country, trading safety and health for higher profits.

• Yes, yes. I know. I'm the pig at the trough, yada blah blah yada. Keep oinking and clutching your guns, you geniuses. Enjoy four years of gloating that your horse won while your horse pads its wallet while Wyrmtongue whispers in its ear.

• Oh, I mention guns only because that issue is like abortion. If you're against abortion, it's the only issue you vote on. And if you think your guns are in danger, it's the only political issue you really care about. Basically, you vote for anything anti-government because you believe the government is going to kick in your door at any moment to take your guns, after which they can stick you in a FEMA death camp where they'll hold lotteries to kill as many people as possible for their population control agenda.

• If you're thinking, "I liked this blog better when it was about comic books," then you have another think coming. It's never been about comic books! Mostly it's been about me. But you can thank Donald Trump and the Electoral College and all of the people who, for whatever reason, heard Donald Trump speak time and time again and couldn't see he was a big dopey gasbag who is unfit for practically any professional position. I won't be shutting up about how terrible this whole situation is.

Oh look! Simon Oliver feels the same way I do! Except in British!

• Boris Johnson's Knob, the horse Chas put Constantine's money on, wins the race and makes Chas two hundred quid. I mean, the odds were 500 to 1 and he probably put more of Constantine's money on it than that but Constantine only offered to give Chas two hundred pounds for placing the bet. What a chump!

• When Constantine's story continues, he's falling into a seemingly infinite void talking about dolphins. My first reaction was, "Here we go again! Some writer wasn't sure how to start the story so they wedged in a little fifth grade report on something that has nothing to do with this comic book." But by the time John ends his thoughts on dolphins, I'm totally on his side and thinking, "Man! That was a cute take on dolphins! And thematic too! It was like a little chocolate mint short story to get me in the right frame of mind! Sort of like those little candy suppositories waiting on the pillow when you check into a hotel."

• The dolphin introduction is interesting in that, in most cases, an opening like this would simply annoy me and I'd be fuming while reading the rest of the book. "What a shit way to start!" I'd think as I continued to read Rob Liefeld's terrible comic book while also thinking, "I wish Rob were also drawing this terrible comic book because two terribles makes a fantastic time!" But because I enjoyed Constantine's take on dolphins, and I like how he tied it all in to his own reputation, I'm all wet and ready and eager to receive the rest of the story.

And then I orgasm too early because the dialogue following the dolphin shit is just as entertaining.

• Speaking of orgasming too early, I'm reminded of the Loudon Wainwright III song that goes, "You used to say I came too early but it was you who came too late." Such poetry!

• Meanwhile, Mercury and Swamp Thing head into The Rot to search for Abby Arcane. She was the Avatar of the Rot so she shouldn't be missing. But since her role in the Swamp Thing Mythos has always been of partner and lover, I imagine her disappearance is to set the New 52 record straight. This is Rebirth, after all! That means all of the things that had sort of been changed but not really as drastically as everybody proclaimed by the New 52 must be set back to rights. So Anton Arcane probably has something to do with this! He's more of the Avatar of the Rot sort of guy. I think he was in Hell but that's never stopped him before.

• From Map, Constantine learns that he's being chase by Djinns. Constantine doesn't believe in the Djinn but he figures something is after him, so he should probably listen. He discovers that they're actually after the Swamp Thing who he pawned off on Mercury. So now Constantine is going to have to track them down in The Rot.

• In The Rot, Mercury discovers a wormhole and heads through it alone. Swamp Thing must wait for her return in The Rot which probably means he'll be attacked and nearly killed! But Constantine will save him next issue and they'll go on fabulous adventures together.

• But before John can get to Swamp Thing, he needs a ride. So he heads back to pick up Chas and his cab only to find Chas bound and gagged and surrounded by a bunch of bookie thugs. They'll probably get ripped apart by Djinn next issue!

The Review!
This book is written well, interesting, and lovely to look at. So it's surprising that this is the cover DC went with. This cover makes me think the story within is going to be a frightful mess about that time Constantine shit himself while exploring the haunted subway under Parliament. Instead, it's about genies and Constantine vomiting on himself while exploring the spooky underground. Totally different.

The Hellblazer #2

That motorcycle seat is so lucky.

The Commentary!
• Last issue, I was disappointed that Constantine was abandoning Mercury and Swamp Thing to find Abby on their own. But according to the cover and the picnic on the first few pages, I was mistaken! And I'm glad I was because Mercury is my new comic book crush! Some people might have begun reading this issue and thought to themselves, "Who is this adorable woman talking with Swamp Thing? Why am I so stupid and irrelevant that I can't remember her name? And why didn't Simon Oliver mention her name?! Why didn't he Lobdell this issue and begin it, 'My name is Mercury. I was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon'?" But I remember the names of all of the women Moritat draws who I inevitably get a crush on. Like Tallulah Black! And...well, I think so far it's only been Tallulah and Mercury.

• Swamp Thing is giving Mercury some insight into Constantine's character. She believes he's a "total wanker" who only cares about himself. She's mostly not wrong! Swamp Thing points out that if he really only cared about himself, he'd hide away from the real world and toss it all in the bin. But he doesn't! He keeps himself present in the real world! He saves it daily although he often sends children's souls to hell while doing it. That might be where he gets the reputation for only caring about his own ass. Most people would be all, "I would totally throw my life away to save just one child because children are precious creatures and our future and I care about our future and blah blah self-aggrandizing lies blah blah blah!" But they're idiots because they're not looking at the long game. If a train was bearing down on a child and you could save the child but you would die, it's actually a mistake to save the child. Because how many people is a stupid child going to save? Like, probably zero! But you have the ability to save children all over the place! So by keeping yourself alive, you could probably save a couple more children later in the week without throwing your life away. See? Saving the child was a dumb choice!

• Meanwhile, Chas is politely kicking Constantine out of his house so that his wife will come back.

Boris Johnson was the mayor of London until he panicked over the Brexit vote and buggered out. He's basically the Donald Trump of England, judging by his awful hair. I know the mayor of London but I couldn't tell you the current mayor of Portland, Oregon! I stopped paying attention after my step-uncle, Sam Adams, left office. You might have seen Sam in Portlandia as the mayor's assistant.

• Knob is a British slang term for penis. You know, just in case you're an American and you're not into knowing all of the slang for dicks.

• I watch a lot of British panel shows on YouTube. Currently I'm enjoying the newest seasons of Would I Lie To You? and 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. I've also been watching Dara O'Briain's Go-8-Bit when I can find an episode not taken down for copyright infringement. And I'm eagerly awaiting the new season of QI!

• Constantine probably has no intention of making Chas's life easier so Chas's best hope is that John gets caught back up in the Swamp Thing road trip to The Rot story. Which, according to the title and the cover, is going to happen!

• So far there's been no mention of those angels who didn't prevent World War I! Maybe that'll take place after the advertisement.

• Chas drives Constantine around London in his black cab. I wonder if Chas not only has The Knowledge but also The Occult as well? That's probably what cab drivers call knowing all of the spooky paranormal haunted routes in London and how to traverse them without getting possessed or encased in hellfire.

• It's nice to have a British writer on Hellblazer again. Constantine just isn't Constantine without a proper British voice coming out of his mouth. Hell, it's just nice to have him back in London!

I know soccer...excuse me, football has become a lot bigger in the States over the last half decade or so but I just can't see an American writer coming up with Constantine comparing his face-off against a demon to a football match. I mean, they might! But I doubt they would have worded it like this with the whole "taken it to penalties" bit. Which reminds me! I haven't watched the latest Rob Beckett YouTube video where he plays FIFA against his friends. I can't wait until he plays Alex Brooker.

• It wasn't until I scanned it that I noticed one of Invader's Space Invader tiles behind Constantine.

• Constantine decides to meet with some of the occult power players to make sure he didn't ruffle any feathers with nearly sending everybody in London to hell. Doesn't seem anybody is too bothered with his gamble. Although he sort of pisses of Marid, the angel who wants to destroy mankind, when Constantine refuses to meet with him. Clarice Sackville is an old power player (but she doesn't look old!) who is giving Marid advice on how to deal with Constantine. I guess Marid realizes to destroy mankind, he's going to have to get past John first.

• Marid's plan also involves the Swamp Thing. So I guess that's part of how all of these stories are going to intertwine.

• Clarice gives John a secret warning that some bad shit is going down and he heads off to do some detectivanting. But he's followed by some spooky cherubs trying to look like grown ups in suits instead of floating babies in diapers. To give them the slip, he heads into the subway tunnels to look for Map. He winds up falling down a dark pit and into next issue.

• When is Mercury going to be a main character in this thing?!

The Ranking!
+2! I know he never said "cunt" but this feels more like Constantine than even the last series felt like Constantine. It just keeps getting more and more Hellblazery.

The Hellblazer #1

This is the look John gives you right before you wind up in Hell.

The Commentary!
I was going to say this is John's look right before he sucks your dick but I think I've used up my quota on using dick sucking to replace sincere thoughts and feelings. Now in my forties, it seems to be my go-to move. Back when I was a teenager, everything I wrote was filled with my over-dramatization of my feelings of unrequited love. In my twenties, my writing was full of philosophical quandaries about my direction in life. In my thirties, I began to fill my writing with a lot more whimsy and began sculpting the pretentious bullshit so that it could fit within the confines of the story or essay. And in my forties, it's all just pretty much about dick sucking. I can't wait to see what I'm writing about in my fifties! I hope it doesn't get me arrested.

This issue begins with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Some guy named Marid tries to stop the assassination but he's stopped by some other guy. Hopefully this Simon Oliver hasn't decided to steal my detectivanting idea! That's where a few upper class British men and women form a club where they gallivant around the world doing detective work. My idea was that it would become all the rage in Edwardian times and the young people who did it would be so careless and narcissistic that they would cause more trouble than good. And eventually their idle shenanigans would start a world war. Just like these miscreants in the opening to this comic book! I hope they aren't Detectivanters! I'll sue Simon Oliver for sure!

But before the reader is allowed to know any more about this great big mystery, the narrative turns back to the present where Swamp Thing is calling on John Constantine for a favor. How hard could a favor for Swamp Thing be? Water? Sunlight? Mineral supplements? Easy peasy!

John decides to talk directly to the reader to tell the story about how he came to owe Swamp Thing a favor. Twenty-two year old me is all, "Shit! Cool! So postmodern!" Forty year old me is all, "Suck a dick."

That's every time in your life if you give it about five years!

Being that the person you are in the present no longer truly resembles the person you were five to eight years ago, it really changes the perspective on going to prison for life. Eventually, you hardly recognize the version of you that committed the crime and yet you still must pay for that person's acts. A lot of people are unsympathetic to this because they have some weird belief that people don't change at all. I believe that there's an aspect of our personality that we really can't change. My first grade report card reads like a person describing who I essentially still am today. But I've also done really stupid shit when I was younger and, looking back, I can't even understand who that person was that would choose to do those things. In a real way, it's not me. It was a person who became me but it's not the me I am today. It's possible only flawed people can understand this. It's generally the people who claim they've never done anything horrible in their life who cannot forgive those who have. I'm not saying we should do away with life sentences! I mean, we should probably do away with life sentences for quite a few crimes, probably! No, what I'm saying is that I, at least, feel terrible when I see somebody who is being incarcerated for life at a young age knowing they'll never be free again. It's a strange idea that one mistake can ruin the life of the future you who will no longer resemble the person who committed the crime. Maybe we need a justice system where the victim or victim's families are in control of the sentence. Not that they get to set it! But maybe they alone can one day forgive the crime and end the sentence. Or is there just no place for redemption and forgiveness in the American justice system?

Judging by the way people on Twitter want to fucking destroy everybody who says anything they think is beyond the pale, I'd say there probably isn't.

John's story begins with Swamp Thing asking John for a favor. So John must mess up pretty royally for this to wind up a story in which John owes Swamp Thing a favor!

Oh wait. It's just that Swamp Thing did his part of the favor exchange first. He kept Wonder Woman and Shazam at bay while Constantine nearly damned everybody in London. Now it's John's turn to pay up. Swamp Thing wants Constantine to help him find Abby because she's disappeared from The Rot. I'm not sure Swamp Thing should be looking for Abby if she's missing. She's probably missing for romantic reasons and he's just going to wind up walking into a room in hell to find Abby sucking demon dick.

Constantine decides to recruit Mercury into the search because of her psychic abilities. Plus she was introduced in Rebirth and she can't just be forgotten already. She needs to have a big role in this comic book. Bigger than Chas's even, I hope, because she's cute in that way Moritat makes the women he draws cute. They're like little fuckable cartoons. I mean, they're drawn with great personalities and tons of agency!

Oh, who am I kidding? I don't care if Mercury has any agency! As long as she looks cute and acts adorable, I'm pretty happy with her characterization.

"Abby who?!"

I fucking love that look John gives the reader in the above scan. Maybe I don't mind that John interacts with the reader. He's kind of the Ferris Bueller of the DC Universe.

Mercury agrees to help Swamp Thing but sends Constantine away. That's too bad! At this point, I'm more invested in the Swamp Thing story than whatever situation Constantine is going to get into involving the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand!

Constantine goes off to pout because Mercury is more interested in a plant than his cock. Not that she'd be interested in his cock anyway because he's so old. Unless, of course, she has Daddy Issues! Hell, maybe John is her daddy! She'll fuck him for sure if that's the case.

The issue ends with the two guys who didn't stop the Great War when they had a chance. The good one who didn't stop the events that led to millions of deaths over the next century is killed by the bad one who wanted to prevent those deaths. I mean, I guess the bad one used to be the good one. Or maybe I'm using the wrong adjectives. The good one was actually the selfish one who didn't want their presence to be discovered by "the creator" which is what would have happened had they stopped the assassination. The bad one was actually the one trying to help the humans even if it risked revealing himself to "the creator". So apparently they're angels on the run. That's totally what I figured they were. Masonic angels from outer space disguised as reptilian creatures from another dimension. Totally nailed it. So anyway, the bad one who was once good has decided that it's time to completely interfere with the humans because they are ruining everything with their free will.

The Hellblazer Rebirth #1

The Commentary!
Let's try this again! Hellblazer was going along fine and dandy over in the Vertigo world when some asshole at DC Comics decided that Constantine needed to be actively engaged in their superhero universe. Most of the people enjoying Hellblazer at the time probably thought this was a really stupid idea. And I want to point out how it wasn't a really stupid idea so that I can make those snobby elitists look like royal assholes! But I'm one of them! It was a bad idea! You cannot have a John Constantine who isn't allowed to say "cunt"! It just doesn't work. DC finally realized that it doesn't work so they dumped the awful New 52 Constantine which basically consisted of John battling magic monsters and then casting a spell which will have real horrible consequences. It always worked to drive away the monster and Constantine and his mates never really had to deal with any consequences. I guess Constantine once had to make it so Zatanna never loved him while he still loved her but who the fuck cares about that?! You don't need magic to love somebody who doesn't give a shit about you!

In the re-revamped version of Constantine, DCYou's Constantine the Hellblazer, John was now allowed to swear as much as he wanted! But the letters in the swears were all replaced by pentagrams. The series was much better for it but not perfect because he still couldn't say ⍟⍟⍟⍟! DC Comics, unaware of the real problem haunting their inability to recreate the Constantine magic, killed Constantine the Hellblazer too. It was time for John Constantine to get a Rebirth! That's the comic book I'm going to read now! And I should already point out that it's not going to be very good because it's an American comic book that isn't rated for Mature Readers Only, so no way is John going to be able to say cunt. I might as well not even bother!

The issue begins with a little two page story about how John Constantine lost his home of London and was banished to New York City. It's the usual Constantine story. John pisses off a demon. Demon gets ready to make John pay. John says some things that makes the demon rethink who might be the most powerful person in the John/Demon relationship. John lights a cigarette. Demon lets John live. John adds another vastly powerful entity to his list of immortal enemies.

And maybe John said cunt? Does "lie like a cunt rug, mate" make sense?

But then Donald Trump began making a run for president and Constantine decided there were some battles he doesn't want to get caught up in, so he headed back home to London and his buddy Chas who apparently isn't dead. Whether or not he had died somewhere along the way, I have no idea anymore. And since this is a Rebirth, I don't have to know anyway! Free pass for everybody! Continuity police can reset their watches after their done sitting flummoxed in their La-Z-Boy recliners pouting and covered in nacho cheese sauce. There's not time for arguing how old Constantine might be or whether or not he's had sex with Swamp Thing! Because those things don't matter anymore! Well, I guess John's age might matter, eventually. As it is now, it doesn't matter if he lived through New York's Punk Scene or if he missed it because he was way too young. It doesn't matter if he's in love with Zatanna or if he's in love with that little blonde thing from Chelsea. Also, I might have made up the blonde thing. But that's my point! It doesn't matter!

This nameless lass is my favorite character in Rebirth so far. Maybe she'll become the new Anguished Fat Man! Vapid Stoner Girl!

Since this is Rebirth, Oliver is taking the readers on a quick synopsis of the things that now matter in Constantine's life. The most important one of those is that if John spends any appreciable time in London, his soul will leave his body due to the curse placed on him by the demon he humiliated. But Constantine has a plan to break that curse so that London can get back to being his Gotham. He never really was suited to be a New Yorker, no matter how many times the reader was told that he was on the cutting edge of the punk-magic scene and how many people he fucked in the bathrooms at CBGB.

Somebody should open a mediocre restaurant franchise and call it CBGBs. Maybe all of the boarded up TGIFridays can just rebrand without doing any renovations: CBGBurgers. That would be punk, right? Instead of a restaurant with sawdust on the floor, CBGBs can be a restaurant with sawdust falling from the ceiling! And exposed insulation on every wall! And raccoons living in the ceiling! That's punk, right?

Meanwhile a woman who lives in a hobbit hole and and raises goats is...well, sticking candles in her vagina? I'm not too clear on that. All I know is that there's suddenly another female character drawn by Moritat that I'm probably going to develop a huge crush on, candles or no candles.

I know I was making jokes about the quality of a Constantine comic book relying on whether or not he can say the word "cunt" but I didn't realize you could get away with having Constantine say "circle jerk".

I don't know how you hold a circle jerk together with old chewing gum but I'm going to find out by introducing chewing gum at my next circle jerk.

I have never believed in magic until I heard Alan Moore talk about the existence of magic. And then, through the magic of Alan Moore's words, he cast a spell on me so that I suddenly believed in magic. It was really easy to do too! He just told me to look at the definition of a magic spell and I was, "Oh yeah! Spells are cast with words and they change reality. That's just fucking words! That's making a speech! That's putting together an advertising campaign! That's convincing half of the American population that the world is burning around them and the only way to make it better is to vote in politicians who only have their own selfish interests at heart and don't give a shit about anybody else! Donald Trump is a demon summoned by the incessant rhetoric chanted by multiple Republican talking heads over the course of the last twenty years. That is real life magic and we're all going to be ass-raped by the vile and disgusting incubus the Republicans have summoned into being!"

Constantine's plan to escape the demon's curse is to transfer the curse from himself to every other resident of London. It's not that he doesn't care about the other people in London (he may or may not!), it's just that he definitely cares about himself. So even if his plan to overload the demon's realm with eight million souls all gathered at once doesn't get the demon to stop the curse, at least Constantine will still be alive!

Oliver makes sure to throw in a couple of pages of some Justice Leaguers discussing how something horrible has happened in London and it's probably Constantine's fault and that maybe they should kick his teeth down his pint of Guinness. But Swamp Thing shows up to tell Wonder Woman and Shazam to maybe stand down on this one because even though everybody in London is about to die, Constantine probably has a handle on the situation. That's good enough for Wonder Woman! Especially since Swamp Thing will be to blame if everybody dies. If anybody says, "Wonder Woman! Why didn't you do anything?!" She can just say, "Swamp Thing told me not to! It's his fault!"

Constantine and the demon engage in one of those conversations that John always manages to get started which his opponents should really know by now not to be tricked into. The smart thing to do when you've got the upper hand over Constantine is to close your eyes, cover your ears, and scream "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" until Constantine is in hell. It's because Constantine knows that the real magic is in the words. The spells are just the special effects. That's why he's more con man than magician.

This time (as with loads of other times), Constantine's speechifying was just to buy time until the hobbit, Mercury, arrived to save the day.

Not only can she swear in pentagrams, she's also psychic! So she gets the demon's name for John so he can have some power over the bastard.

With the demon's name, Constantine ends the curse and Wonder Woman doesn't have to call a press conference to explain why she let everybody in London die.

The Review!
Since the comic book couldn't say it, I'll say it here: cunt! There, now it's a complete Hellblazer comic book. Oh, excuse me: The Hellblazer. How fucking stupid is that the?! I'm fucking choking on that piece of shit the! It doesn't have to be their, DC Comics! It's fucking stupid! As you might know, it's okay to have a new comic book with the same title as the old comic book, no matter how fucking confusing it is. You've done it countless times before! Just think how many Teen Titans #1 comic books are out there! Aside from the lack of cunts and the excess number of "the"s, this comic book was a pretty great start to a new John Constantine book. We got Chas and London and Constantine humiliating a demon and a woman who hates Constantine but is going to be forced to work with him so that he doesn't destroy the world trying to save himself. He eats some curry, he smokes a cigarette, he wears a trench coat, he has blonde hair. That's pretty much all I expect from a Hellblazer comic book! I wonder how many people are upset he didn't fuck a woman and a man in this issue and were all "How dare DC erase his bisexuality!" I suppose we all have different things about Constantine that we find are important to the character. Some people only give a shit about where he sticks his dick, and other people are into his mystical battles with the forces of hell and the trail of friends' corpses he leaves in his wake. If you're into the dick aspect, you might not like this issue because he doesn't outright state what he does with it. If you're into curries, you're going to fucking love this issue because Constantine fucking wrecks a vindaloo!