Scooby Apocalypse #3

Every cover should just be a pin-up of Velma.

The Facts!
• I should probably read the comic book instead of looking at women in Velma costumes on the Internet.

• This issue begins with the Scooby Gang driving the Mystery Machine across the Nevada desert. I guess they escaped the laboratory. I don't really remember if that happened at the end of Issue #2 or in the space between issues because it's been a long time since I read the last issue of this comic book.

• Velma bites her thumb at one point and I'm like *SWOOON!*

• The fight back in the garage is coming up soon! Apparently Fred was nearly killed and now I guess I'm supposed to want to find out how that happened. I'm not really too bothered by it, really. I'm just hoping the Scooby Gang find a laundromat soon where they'll all have to strip down to clean the one outfit they all wear.

• A few hours earlier in the Mystery Machine's garage, the Scooby Gang had to quickly come to terms with their ability to murder their fellow human beings. At least it's easy enough to rationalize because their fellow human beings look like monsters and are trying to kill them. Although by that logic, I probably have a right to kill anybody with the flu who comes near me, right? I mean, the flu can kill me so any contagious person who gets near me is threatening my life. And have you seen how horrible people look when they're sick with the flu? Just like monsters!

• I should probably consult a lawyer before I murder somebody with the flu, just in case my logic isn't as sound as I think it is.

Here's Shaggy's rationalization. Can't argue with that! I mean, I can! But I won't!

• The Scooby Gang continue to murder the people who are just suffering from a disease brought on by scientists who flew too close to the God. But they're all really anguished and upset about having to save their own lives by taking other's lives. So that makes it okay!

• Man, I really wish there had been an episode of the cartoon where Shaggy got his hands on a gun. Then when the ghost appears, he panics and shoots it in the face, blowing Old Man Smithers' brains all over the haunted wall behind him. Then the cops would have arrested Shaggy and he would have went down for manslaughter and probably placed in a haunted prison.

• Shaggy gets to shout, "Scooby Doo? Where are you?" It's totally satisfying.

• The flashback ends and Fred was never injured in any kind of way that would explain why everybody was so worried about him. Wait, let me check again to make sure. Oh yeah! It ends with Scooby Doo being outside of the Mystery Machine! So there must be more flashback where Fred goes out to save Scooby Doo and takes a shot to the head. Otherwise the only explanation for him being down and out would be that his ascot was drooled on.

• Velma isn't totally sure that the current problem is the nanite program that was created to make people more chill and brainwashery. If so, it would be her fault since she released the nanites in Issue #1 a year prior to the beginning of the apocalypse. But there's also the possibility that the four scientists she was working with manipulated her so that they could use the nanites for their own ends. That's probably what happened and now the main thrust of this story is finding those four scientists so the Scooby Gang can transform the monsters back into people instead of killing them all.

I'm tempted to make these Scooby Apocalypse commentaries just a string of sexy Velma scans. This is one of the best. I imagine she's screaming, "Put it in my ass right Goddamned now!"


This is what I scream right before I put it in the Goddamned ass!

• I'm starting to remember why I watched Scooby Doo so intently as a kid.

• Fred gets clawed in the head as we return to the flashback. I almost missed it happen because there were so many ass shots of Velma.

• The escape bonds the Scooby Gang together. So now the reader doesn't have to just think of them as wacky strangers fighting for survival. I think we're allowed to start thinking of them as friends. Which is good because their first real mystery since the apocalypse is about to bite them in the face next issue! Unless what it really wants is to scare them away from the market they're looting so it can buy up the property for cheap and dig up the treasure hidden under the floorboards.

The Opinions!
I know I'm sort of waiting for the scene of Velma in her underwear but do I really want that? Isn't it better to continue to have tantalizing glimpses of her undergarments during chaotic physical confrontations with monsters? That's hot! I'm not attracted to any of the others. Maybe if Scooby Doo weren't a dog, I'd be into him. But the others definitely aren't my types. I hope science doesn't continue to be the enemy and, in the end, the Scooby Gang discover that it wasn't Velma's nanites that turned everybody into monsters but God's wrath during the end times! Seriously, it would be more fitting for a Scooby Doo comic book to have religion as the enemy rather than science. Scooby Doo is supposed to be about logic winning out over superstition! I don't want logic and science to be the cause of the end of the world! That's moronic anti-vaxxer science-skeptic talk!

Earth Too: Society Annual #1

Haven't we reached peak Batman saturation yet?

The Facts!
• I am not an earnest, well-intentioned Writer who says the things that people want to hear so they can feel righteous in their daily vitriolic anger. I cannot lead the revolution! If I were to discuss anything of any real import, I would just wind up making light of it and not treating it seriously enough for the people who actually care about it. Sometimes there's a place for earnestness and optimism. Even I enjoy reading and listening to people who really want to say something meaningful and important in a completely unselfish way. But this isn't that place. This is where you can come to pretend you don't live in a world where every single statement by every single person is gross and problematic to at least one other person in the world and thus nobody should actually say anything at all ever. Let me be your martyr. Let me be crucified for your gross and problematic sins. Believe in me and you will...well, you won't have everlasting life or anything. You might, if you're lucky, realize that people can joke about pretty much everything because the world is a shitty and painful place and who has the right to tell anybody else that they can't make a joke about something if it somehow lightens the world a little for them. I mean within the well-established rules of who can joke about what, of course! I would obviously never make a joke about the Portuguese because I'm not Portuguese! Although aren't we all brothers and sisters? Are we not all the same? Do we not all share a common ancestor, far back in the hidden recesses of our unknowable history? So I probably can make a Portuguese gardener joke, right?!

• I'm so sick of people aspiring to inspire. Inspiration is bullshit. Inspiration is like taking a shot of adrenaline, pumping your fist in the air, and screaming "This!" at the top of your lungs and then, as the excitement of the moment moves further and further into your past, slowly descending back into your pathetic do-nothing attitude surrounded by boxes of empty Oreo containers. Inspiration without motivation or ambition is as useful as a power surge. Inspiration has simply become a major buzzword because it slaps a layer of selflessness over something that is inherently selfish and self-involved. It's a way to believe that the fulfillment of your dreams (which, generally, could technically be described as "selfish desires") has a bigger impact on the world than just making you happy and satisfied.

• Oh, I brought up inspiration because this story is called "Legacy" and we all know what that means in comic book parlance. A hero is an older person who the company thinks fans can't identify with so that hero inspires a younger generation to completely rip them off. Now the company has the same hero but with a younger demographic. Cha-ching!

• Dick is speaking with his son John about taking over as the next Batman after Dick gives up his life to save Earth-Too. How did John and Dick get back together? Who the fuck knows? I don't really care but I'm certain this comic book is about to tell me.

• Is it really wise to have a six year old as the new Batman? I know his body looks sixteen! But he's got the mind of a six year old! His relationship with Legacy Catwoman is going to be just a lot of her chasing him around Gotham as he screams, "Gross!"

• The story finally gets around to beginning at the beginning where Ultra-Humanite is still trying to convince a six year old that he doesn't need his deadbeat dad in his life anymore. That's when The Huntress falls out of the sky screaming at John that he has to come with her. Doesn't she know you probably shouldn't startle a six year old holding a flamethrower?

• Before John can go with Helena, he must deal with his grief.

I mean, he has to battle a kid named Grief.

• I wish somebody would accidentally knock over the Pandora Vessel--I mean Casket!--and just remake Earth-2 already. If these characters survive, I won't be particularly happy with the Rebirth Earth-2 comic book. Am I truly supposed to care about John Grayson? Unless he begins acting like a six year old in a sixteen year old's body, I just can't take him seriously.

• Remember how Superboy was a newborn baby in a sixteen year old's body? I never took him seriously either!

• The six year old psychoanalyzes his father. I guess John Grayson is just another fucking genius child in the DC Universe. They're all so fucking smart! When do us stupid people get representation?! I mean aside from Jaime Reyes.

• Dick points out to his kid how he isn't fit to be Batman. He was just a lousy journalist. His entire training consists of watching his wife fight people to protect the family and breaking his back. But I guess that's enough because he hasn't been killed by Earth-2 Joker yet. Oh, I guess he was also trained by Huntress and Wildcat. But that was only after he survived all the Conversion Earth-2 bullshit.

• Dick almost quits but his son throws a tantrum and is all, "I want Batman as my daddy!" So Dick decides to keep being Batman and John decides to be his sidekick and earnest people everywhere who can't listen to "Cat's in the Cradle" without turning into a soaking wet ball of snot probably feel a twinge of sentimentality while reading this story. My dad is a piece of shit who was drunk through most of my first two decades and then expected to become my best friend in later years and I don't feel anything when I hear "Cat's in the Cradle" or read stories where fathers and sons bond. Although sometimes Nick Cave's "The Weeping Song" penetrates the callus over my heart and makes me feel like maybe I'm causing my dad pain by not allowing him to think he's my best friend. What's up with that?! Why does that song suddenly make me feel like the bad guy?!

The Opinions!
I don't care about this version of Dick Grayson and I certainly don't care about his son John whom Dick couldn't be bothered to protect for about thirty or more issues of Earth-2. So now I'm supposed to buy into this relationship because of the way John keeps calling Dick "Daddy"?! Fuck that! Somebody open the Pandora Casket already so we can get back the Justice Society!

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #5

The palm tree and coconuts as penis and testicles was so hilarious that it needed to be stuck on the cover for added hilarity.

The Things!
• Don't fucking bring me down today, Internet! I'll fucking kick you!

• Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys isn't over yet so I guess I'll say a few things about it before completely forgetting every single thing I said about it and every single thing I read in it and, in a few months, that it was ever even a thing.

• The issue begins with Harley Sinn whining about her shitty childhood. Not that her childhood was shitty. But she made it shitty because she insisted on her parents paying attention to her. Such weakness! I wish I was raised by maids, cooks, and butlers!

• Harley Sinn's father is named Dick Brand. I guess he's a caricature of Donald Trump but that doesn't matter because the story isn't actually saying anything. He was just a rich guy that didn't love his wife and neglected his daughter. Except for the rich part, that could describe all the fathers!

• The Gang of Harleys are fighting robots so Frank Tieri has Big Tony mention the Terminator and Linda Hamilton. Because 80% of Frank Tieri's writing is just references to pop culture.

• Harley Sinn's sob story continues. I don't give a shit about her.

• To defeat the robots, the Gang of Harleys lead them through the Eggy Minefield. The mines all blow up on the robots and destroy them even though two of the three robots were flying.

• Harley Sinn falls in love with her new step-sister which isn't gross at all. It's totally normal. Weren't all the Brady Kids fucking around with each other too?

• The Gang of Harleys eventually find Harley Quinn stuck up a tree with Mutant Goats trying to eat her. So Harvey uses one of Robot Power Girl's boob rockets to kill them all.

Ha ha! I get it! Feeding time! Because it's a boob! And boobs feed kids! And young goats are kids!

After being rescued, Harley Quinn decides to stay on the island so she can kick Harley Sinn's ass. But Harley Sinn has hired a bunch of mercenaries to chase down Harley Quinn and kill her! Actually, she didn't hire them at all. She decided to hold a contest with a single prize payout. So she's really just wasting most of their time. Why would they even apply for this job when 99% of the people hired aren't going to get paid? Harley Sinn really is her father's daughter.

Final Thoughts!
This comic book wasn't too good to begin with and it's just getting worse. Once again, DC Comics decides to make a mini-series six issues because that's the proper length of a trade paperback instead of allowing this series to be over in four issues since that's all the story that's really here. I wonder if DC was hoping Harley Sinn would become their next huge hit? I bet whoever thought of her walked into a pitch meeting and said, "Imagine this: Harley Quinn crossed with Lobo!" Then everybody's eyeballs turned into dollar signs. I hope she's completely forgotten after this series ends. She's terrible and her origin is terrible and I'm tired of reading Harley Quinn comic books!

Gotham Academy Annual #1

Yes! I'm down with Detective Club!

My Commentary!
• Will this be the issue in which Maps reveals she's trans? Probably not. It might, however, be the issue where she reveals she's adorable. Just kidding! That issue has already been published and it was called all of them!

• This issue begins positing a strange question: what if you could be better than a great, strong building and live forever but the main reason you want to live forever is to outlive your enemies and their progeny? That seems oddly specific? Can I just answer "Would you want to live forever?" Do I have to have weird ulterior motives and, for some odd reason, compare my longevity to that of a building, especially when I don't think of buildings as having a rare ability to withstand the ravages of time.

• Olive is awakened by a nightmare (or Maps touching her in her sleep) just in time for Olive and Maps to catch a glimpse of a caped figure leaping across rooftops! They also notice the chapel has been struck by lightning and is on fire. Stupid chapel! It should have been stronger and greater!

• Maps touches Olive on the back and moans. Then she says, "Let's get Detective Club together! Do you want to try out the new uniforms I got us?!" The new uniforms are crotchless panties. Olive declines.

• The caped shadow is seen by the Detective Club stealing a coffin out of the chapel's Antiquities Room. That's the room where the Antiquities are kept! And apparently coffins!

• Olive gets sick and collapses. I bet Maps is poisoning her so that she can take care of her by undressing her and placing bags of frozen peas on her nipples to cool the fever. "Starve a cold, place frozen bags of peas on the nipples to squelch a fever" my grandmother used to always say.

• Pomeline declares that it isn't a flu going around campus but a bunch of vampires! That seems like a Coast to Coast AM summation of events. Did she hear it from an old white truck driver who once thought, "I bet the flue is really caused by the transmission of undead blood cells by late night roaming monster men!" And because he had that thought, it was equally valid as anything Newton ever came up with. I mean, what's the difference?! Why should Newton's "theories" be any more valid than a dope who doesn't understand the difference between O₂ and O₃?!

• I think I know the difference! The smell!

• Part of Pomeline's proof is that Jen Thompson had a hickey. She might be on to something. Jen Thompson does sleep around with a lot of guys which would leave her open to sleeping with a vampire and thus wind up with a bruised and bloodied neck!

• Colton believes a new professor is behind the sickness and the coffin stealing and he has even lousier evidence to support his theory than Pomeline had! Which is what makes Pomeline's theory so perfect. Because so far it's the only one anybody has said that doesn't make sense but at least doesn't make less sense than the others!

• These kids in Detective Club aren't very good at their job. You don't just come up with a theory and then search for evidence of that theory! You search for clues and then build a theory based on the clues! Haven't any of them taken the Trixie Belden's So You Want To Become The World's Greatest Detective Home Course?! Amateurs!

Yes! Yes! Go there! Is it Olive?! Or Kyle?!

• The Detective Club suffers a schism as Pomeline and Tristan rush off to fight vampires and Colton and Kyle rush off to stalk a teacher. That leaves Maps to go tend to Olive whose temperature is probably making her really uncomfortable right now with that wool school uniform still on.

• Colton and Kyle don't discover that Powers, the new teacher, is a vampire but they almost do! So maybe Pomeline and Colton are both correct, no matter how absurd that would be!

• Warren, Colton's paid sidekick, sometimes has blonde hair and sometimes has orange hair. Is that a vampire thing?!

I guess it is a vampire thing!

• It's obvious what's happening now! Dracula has come to Gotham Academy and Van Helsing has changed his name to Powers and gone undercover at the school to capture him. Case closed!

• Pomeline and Tristan chase Warren and run into Dracula. Duh! I figured it out in the last bullet point! That Trixie Belden's So You Want To Become The World's Greatest Detective Home Course is really paying off!

• Dracula claims his name is Gustav Decobra which isn't quite an anagram of Count Dracula but could be if you've recently suffered a head injury. And Powers says his ghostly name is Blight but if he has one alias, he's bound to have two! So he's obviously Van Helsing hunting Decobra. I don't even have to read any more of this comic book because I totally figured it out.

• My theory is totally correct and the kids do a thing and save the day. The end. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Shut up, Maps! That isn't what happened at all! It was Dracula and Van Helsing!

• I wonder if Maps is going to guest star in the new Batman Beyond series now that she traveled to the future? That part wasn't important to the Dracula/Van Helsing story so I didn't mention it. Just forget I said anything.

The Review
This is an Annual! I don't fucking review annuals! They're always just so...so...ANNUALLY!

Justice League of America #9

It's been so long since the last issue, the cover artist forgot that Superman died.

My Thoughts!
• I know some of you are confused by this issue! The Rebirth Justice League has not been rebranded JLA and hasn't skipped ahead a few issues! This is the JLA story Bryan Hitch was writing sometime in the eighties that he never got around to finishing. But some accountant at DC Comics noticed they'd paid Bryan Hitch for a comprehensible JLA story and he never delivered. It was apparent that they were never going to get what they had paid for (a comprehensible JLA story) so they threatened that if he didn't just finish the stupid thing however he could and deliver something, they were going to have to grumble incessantly, possibly in the direction of their lawyers. Also I think I might have been a bit hyperbolic about this story being from the eighties. But then, I don't think I should be held responsible for the way I perceive time. I didn't write up the blueprints for my brain.

• If you had managed to continue reading this book up until Issue #8, you still probably don't remember what was happening so here's a little recap: everybody on Earth was tricked or manipulated into believing in God. Except for Batman. He was all logical and shit and was all, "TT! That's the sound I make when I disapprove of something! What am I, British? Do any other superheroes constantly tut? I mean, Damian does but then he's just emulating me because why wouldn't he? I probably learned it from Alfred. That motherfucker will tut a woman in labor for her lack of decorum in showing she's in pain." I think that basically covers it!

• This is Issue #9 but Part Eight of the story because earlier in the series, Bryan Hitch missed a deadline and a Martian Manhunter story had to be wedged into this book. DC still cared about getting this series out on a timely fashion back then, even if it meant interrupting the story with what amounted to an advertisement for the Martian Manhunter comic book. I guess they stopped caring about deadlines soon after that which is why anybody who picked this up probably has no clue what's going on.

• The Flash is currently in the past (is that a logical statement?) with the Infinity Corporation who are using some mystic stones they can't comprehend to power their entire corporation. I think the whole point of their corporation is to keep Superman from dying. Good thing they're in the past or else they'd know they've failed!

YOLO!

• I guess The Flash and the 1960s Infinity Corporation have just arrived at the present because the stones are ecstatic that they've finally located their friends, some other stones. I think Rao is using them as his testicles. I don't mean that literally! I mean he's using them as his juice! His power! His man spirit! You know, the thing that gives him the arrogance to believe might makes right and that nobody matters but himself.

• Meanwhile on Ancient Krypton, two versions of Rao are having a conversation that probably won't end in dick sucking. That's why I can't believe time travel in comic books. Whenever two versions of the same person meet, they never engage in any kind of sexual shenanigans. Okay, Harley Quinn at least kissed herself in Harley's Little Black Book #4. But she was just testing a scientific hypothesis! And not the one I want to test which has to do with enjoying sucking my own dick. Would I sixty-nine myself? Would I be the receiver? The giver? None of it is gay, right? If I were limber enough to suck my own dick right now, I totally would!

• Green Lantern is in prison on Ancient Krypton because his ring stopped working. Most powerful weapon in the universe, my ass! How is that a saying? It doesn't even make sense! Did I get it wrong? Maybe it should be "Most powerful weapon in the universe which you can put in my ass!"

• Back on Earth, Rao is all, "I'll show you my stones if you show me yours!" And the Infinity Corporation scientist is all, "Totally!" And The Flash is all, "And I'm the one they call The Flash!" Then somebody does a rim shot.

If humans were immortal, how long before they use up the storage capacity of their brains? I imagine, being an organic system, the brain would just write over old memories. But how fucked up would life become once you reached the storage limit and every new memory erased a random past memory? What if you accidentally overwrote an important routine in the operating system?! Might your heart forget to beat?!

• Oh! I'm finally getting the proper end of the thread! The Flash and the Infinity Corporation appeared on Rao's Cathedral before it got to Earth. So all this shit with The Flash is prelude to the Earth story and all the shit with Green Lantern is...well, I don't know. Prelude? Epilogue? Cosmic nonsense? I guess since The Flash and Green Lantern were ignored last issue, this is their issue. We'll catch up on everything and have a better understanding of what happened after Superman died in Issue #10. If that is ever, you know, published.

• Rao tries to take the stones from the Infinity Corporation and to convert The Flash and his scientist friends. But The Flash, being the greatest superhero in the DC Universe (even though he's constantly out-shined by Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern and Ambush Bug), kicks Rao's ass. He then gets the scientists to return to Earth which catches him up to the story last issue where he appeared to help the Justice League in their battle against Rao by feeding the Parasite the Speed Force.

• It looks like Rao's trip to Ancient Krypton takes place after Superman died. He's gone to collect an army to bring back to Earth since Earth defied him. Or he's going to bring Earth to Ancient Krypton. I hope it's that one so that the Justice League can defeat Rao and then Earth will be stuck in the past in a solar system with a red sun.

• Finally, the narrative returns to where last issue ended. Fifteen minutes after last issue ended if I'm being precise. In the intervening minutes, Wonder Woman has been doing CPR on Superman. I know Diana is strong but can she even compress his chest or force air into his lungs?

• Diana fails with CPR so that means Superman is dead. That's it. He's just dead. If CPR doesn't work then there's no hope left. None at all. Nada! Zip! Zilch! He is el muerto! Deceased! Kaput!

Oh wait! I forgot about the mythic Hollywood trope that you can shock a flatline back to life!

• This might be one of the few times shocking a heart back to life is okay since Diana is using the Bolt of Zeus which almost certainly has the power to bring the dead back to life.

• And then Krypton appears in the sky. I don't think the sudden appearance of that kind of mass would cause any problems at all, right? The real problem is that Rao suddenly has an entire planet of supermen ready to attack the Earth.

The Review!
Aside from the long wait, the story isn't as bad as I keep wanting it to be. I mean, it's not great. But there are ideas that I like here. And the plot is coherent and manageable, if you look squint-eyed at the time travel and prophecy stuff. It feels a little bit like two stories with the time travel stuff stitching them together. Basically the Justice League defeated Rao at the end of Issue #8 and that might have been that if Rao didn't have the power of the stones he stole from the Infinity Corporation (at least I'm guessing he took them because Rao's were just about gaining life and the other stones had the forever time travel thing going on. It's not clear in the story because it seems like The Flash and the Infinity Corporation head to the present with the stones. Maybe Rao took them in Issue #8 and I've forgotten. Or maybe he got them in an earlier issue. Time travel is confusing). With that power, Rao is able to instantly return with an army ready for a rematch. So it's a bit like Part Two of the story which is less complicated than Part One because Part Two is where all the facades are dropped and the fists are raised.

Suicide Squad Special: War Crimes #1

Hopefully this image is literal.

The Things!
• I know I rave about Ostrander's run on the Suicide Squad from nearly thirty years ago but I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to be disappointed by Ostrander's new interpretation of the team. I didn't mind being disappointed by The Others when it was written by Ostrander because The Others were terrible. Hmm. Maybe that's how I can get around not feeling disappointed! Since most of The Suicide Squad's since Ostrander's run have been terrible (or interesting but a bit confusing and cut short, like Giffen's run), I can just read this as if it were another disappointing attempt at making the team work again. And then if it isn't disappointing, I can be surprised and relieved! Although then I'll just be disappointed that Ostrander isn't writing the Squad regularly anymore. Either way, it seems like this is going to leave me feeling terrible.

• One thing I might be able to count on, especially since this is called "War Crimes", is an actual story and sensible plot. Ostrander always seemed to be able to come up with a plot that would work on its own without involving the team. He didn't begin the story from the point of view that he was writing a Suicide Squad story. He would come up with an actual plot that could be an international incident and then explode that plot by having a bunch of chaotic jackasses in charge of solving it.

• The story begins with a guy named Mr. Secretary being kidnapped by Suicide Squad Europe. That's a weird name: Mr. Secretary! I wonder if that's Greek?

• The European version of the Suicide Squad is called Strikeforce Europa which proves Europeans aren't too smart. You're supposed to be secret so that other governments can't tie you to them! It's not like America created Task Force America! The "X" variable is the important part of the name! You should be Strikeforce Zed! Of course, Strikeforce Europa might want everybody to know exactly on whose behalf they're committing international crimes. Besides, who is behind some organization named Europa anyway?! The European Union itself? Just one or two European countries? The organizers of Eurovision?

• Strikeforce Europa is kidnapping Mr. Secretary because they want to try him for war crimes. That's well and good but don't you think, Strikeforce Europa, that maybe you're going to be in a little bit of hot water for killing all of Mr. Secretary's bodyguards and press secretaries? It's going to be hard to get other people to side with your righteousness when they realize you've killed several innocent people just doing their jobs. Sure, this Mr. Secretary may have committed some war crimes which you'd like to see him brought to justice for on an international stage. But at this point, it would have been better just to shoot him in the head as opposed to letting the only guy you suspect of war crimes live while killing everybody around him.

• Amanda Waller lets the Suicide Squad know that they'll be off to deal with this situation. Amanda points out Mr. Secretary is definitely guilty so it's kind of a problem for the United States that he'll be put on public trial for his crimes. And since the government can't invade The Netherlands where he's been taken, it's up to the Suicide Squad to sneak in and rescue him. Or, more probably, just kill him.

• So far this story is just an excuse to have the Suicide Squad battle Strikeforce Europa. The rest of the story is pretty flimsy!

"To Barney" in Australian means to discuss Franz Kafka's longer works over coffee and doughnuts.

• Amanda explains that the leader of Strikeforce Europa, Angel, kidnapped Mr. Secretary on her own initiative and that her superiors are upset. That sounds like just the kind of thing superiors say to distance themselves from some underling's terrible and murderous actions!

• Amanda also explains that Mr. Secretary's crew who were killed were all ex-military guys working for a private security company operating in the Gulf. Which means none of them were probably innocent so I retract my complaint about them being killed. They probably deserved it!

• I'm sorry! Nobody deserves to be killed in a random terrorist attack! I mean, some people might deserve it a little more than other people, but nobody really deserves it! That blood-lust was just my Liberal Hate Rage showing.

• Strikeforce Europa has five members and the Suicide Squad has six. So maybe Strikeforce Europa has a secret member to make the match-up even? Or maybe Mad Dog is planning on betraying the Squad?

• Here's the probably match-ups: Angel versus Harley; Lionheart versus Deadshot; Guerrieroa versus Captain Boomerang; Kavga versus Diablo; and Rick Flag versus Schatten. Unless Mad Dog will battle Schatten and Rick Flag will battle the mysterious sixth member of Strikeforce Europa!

• The Squad have a three minute window to grab Mr. Secretary while he's being transported from his cell to his trial. Amanda has a plan but Plan A always goes tits up. So mostly the Squad will probably just be winging it. I mean, they have to battle Strikeforce Europa before securing Mr. Secretary and that should take longer than three minutes.

• At least they got right to the meat of the book! Although Floyd and Flag are missing. I smell Plan A in action!

• Lawton and Rick have managed to get jobs as security escorting Mr. Secretary. So while the rest of the Squad distract Strikeforce Europa, they begin murdering all of the security personnel escorting Mr. Secretary. Now can I complain about innocent people just doing their jobs getting killed for this prick Mr. Secretary? Or am I supposed to believe that the Hague has hired Mr. Secretary's security force to transport him from prison and that they can all speak Dutch and that Mr. Secretary doesn't recognize any of them?

• After Mr. Secretary is secure, the rest of the Squad are told to scarper. That's Australian for "go by the store and grab a gallon of milk, a stick of butter, and a loaf of bread."

I'm so used to nobody dying in this comic book I forgot about this option for Mad Dog!

• According to the staples, I am exactly halfway through the comic book and it's told the story I was expecting it to tell. So it looks like it's one of those spy thrillers where the initial problem is solved early so that a new problem can crop up and make a headache for everybody. I suppose the new issue will be Strikeforce Europa attacking the Suicide Squad in the United States. I don't really care what happens to Mr. Secretary at this point. The Squad may as well kill him since they really only needed to keep him from embarrassing the United States government.

• Oh. I should have turned the page before assuming that the Squad escaped after Mad Dog's head blew off. Apparently it's just gone into the chase scene part of the thriller.

• But the secret sixth member appears: Shado! Although now that means Strikeforce Europa has too many members for a fair fight! Unless Guerrieroa was killed by Mad Dog's neck bomb. That would be acceptable.

• "Hey, John? I see you want me to draw a car flipping over from an arrow in the front tire? I don't know if that would really...." "I'm fucking John Ostrander, bitch! You draw what I write, you piece of fucking shit amateur!"

• Shado is actually an independent mercenary working for Black Mountain. I guess Mr. Secretary hadn't signed the checks yet for the last month. Otherwise why would they care if he was killed? I'm sure Mr. Secretary's secretary could run the company.

• Shado escapes with Mr. Secretary by helicopter as the Squad's diversion team follow after. Flag and Lawson (who is unconscious and probably dead because--Remember!--motorcycles are for organ donors, kids!

• Strikefore Europa all arrive at the scene in their own cars. I think that's...adorable? Also, um, a waste of gas, of course!

• Captain Boomerang mentions how the whole mission is "right in the crapper--right on schedule." Just like I said! As if I held some spectacular title or something?

• Captain Boomerang knocks the helicopter out of the sky in a way that I don't feel I need to complain about because did you see the way the car flipped? What the hell kind of physics class were being given in the seventies? Unless Ostrander took physics in the sixties! I don't know how old he is! Plus, I mean, the helicopter thing is totally what would happen! Maybe the boomerang remaining in control and on trajectory under the downward thrust of the rotors might not be correct. But that's really being picky and I'm not smart enough to be that picky! I'm just smart enough to know that blowing a front tire on a moving car will not cause it to flip directly over like a bike with a broom handle stuck in the spokes.

• My initial match-ups are all screwed up because the line-ups have changed drastically. Harley Quinn is even battling Shado who wasn't even an option at the beginning! So basically it's just a huge melee now.

• Somehow Mr. Secretary survives the helicopter crash. I guess people just survive helicopter crashes in Suicide Squad stories. It's becoming their thing!

• The Suicide Squad manage to escape leaving Strikeforce Europa chomping at the bitch for a rematch.

• Wait. Did I get that saying right?

• When the Squad returns to U.S. soil, Amanda shoots Mr. Secretary in the back. The Squad is all, "WTF?!" And Amanda is all, "Reasons!" And that's it!

The Review!
You know what? I'm not disappointed at all! This story isn't going to change the face of comic books but it took a standard Suicide Squad story and mixed it up a little bit. Ultimately, it all went as any Suicide Squad fan would have expected. I guess Waller shooting the guy who we all knew had to be killed anyway was a twist. Or was it? I mean, Waller loves to shoot dicks when she gets a chance. The characterizations were familiar and I like a Squad that ultimately understands that they need to work as a team, no matter how insecure the writer feels about the audience buying it. This was like a glimpse into Ostrander's old days. Deadshot and Flag in control and taking the mission seriously. A loose cannon clown (previously it was two clowns, Punch and Jewelee). And Boomerang being a dick and getting somebody killed on purpose for the lolz. I thought I would be disappointed either way this turned out but I forgot it could turn out this way: good enough to be enjoyed but nothing revolutionary that made me think, "Why the fuck isn't Ostrander the permanent writer on this thing?!"

Harley's Little Black Book #4

So the new publishing schedule of this title is "Whenever the fuck we feel like it"?

The Things!
• Yay! Now Harley can say all of the disgusting things I've been thinking about the DC Bombshells! This way is much better. People will think it's cute and endearing and sexy when Harley says the exact same things that I want to say which would sound creepy, sexist, misogynistic, possibly racist, inhuman, psychopathic, and sexy!

See? I probably couldn't say hardly any of this!

• I mean, I could say anything I want! But as everybody loves to parrot, "Free speech doesn't free me from the consequences of my speech!" But apparently saying "Free speech doesn't free you from the consequences of your speech" frees you from the consequences of your speech which is most likely going to be the worst speech anybody's ever heard. But I guess that's the attraction of the Twitter mob. You're relatively safe from consequences if a thousand other people are also telling the person who said something you disagreed with to kill themselves.

• Apparently if you're a good person, you're allowed to say any horrible thing you want to a person you've decided is a bad person. I think maybe Jesus gave the go ahead on that one?

• The world isn't going to change because you find a flaw in everybody in the public eye. Although your world will, and it will be miserable. Except, I suppose, for those moments you're attacking somebody someone said was a dick for some reason and it gets your adrenaline spiking and your brain jizz flowing. Those are probably satisfying moments.

• I should probably get back to reading this comic book so I can point out how terrible the writers are. I need a moment of satisfaction in my miserable existence.

• Do editors nowadays demand that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story where, from that point on, it goes like normal until it arrives once again at the scene that began the comic book?

• Can editors nowadays stop demanding that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story and just being the comic book from the beginning of the story?

• Harley Quinn time travels. That's how she winds up in World War II. If you thought maybe she wound up in World War II some other way, you're weird.

• Maybe you're not so weird though because is it really time travel if Harley Quinn winds up in a version of World War II where people she knows are fighting the war? I guess it's more accurate to say she alternate universe travels. Right, weirdo?

• Harley spends a good amount of her time in the past noticing people say and do offensive things. Too bad there's no Twitter so she can ruin their lives.

• It's strange how we all have these many unbearable sadnesses existing within us and yet we still manage to act like we aren't completely and utterly broken.

• The Nazis plot their insanely evil plots that are so insane that they will ensure people will think of them as clowns for decades after and where their uniforms in mock hilarity. What? My new editor is saying you can't wear Nazi uniforms to parties anymore. She also says I probably shouldn't wear them while writing as well.

• I hate to be that nerd but seeing as how we're all so into STEM and shit...Actually, hot air rises. Which, I mean, is practically the same thing given the environment we live in. But what if you found yourself living in a vacuum with another person and a bunk bed and the heater was on the floor and you were all, "Oh! Oh! I'll take top bunk! Ha ha ha!" Then you'd freeze to death! I think. I mean, I don't actually know. I'm probably not the person to be "Actually"ing any STEM subject. Unless the "M" stands for "Masturbation".

• Harley Quinn is hit by the car that past Harley Quinn is in just after the above panel. So now they'll probably kiss.

• Harley Quinn winds up unconscious for awhile so another artist can fill in the extra pages on this $4.99 monster with a hallucination.

• In Harley's hallucination, she battles Hitler Joker Dracula. I hope DC puts out a figure for him! Speaking of figures, here's my Amazon Wish List for anybody who wants to throw some money away!

• Harley Quinn wakes up and decides she understands the physics of comic books. I suppose if anybody does, it's her. So when she realizes she changed the past and created a parallel universe, she decides she can do anything she wants in the past. Like maybe kiss herself in a secret place, right?

• When I typed "secret place," I meant Hitler's underground bunker!

• In this parallel universe, Germans don't speak German with other Germans. But they do speak in bad Hogan's Heroes accents!

• Hitler will be at the thing the Bombshells are planning to thing, so now the thing is another thing. Harley Quinn had better get there fast so she can do something hilarious to Hitler and say, "Ain't I a stinker?"

• Hitler never makes it to the thing because his car picks up Harley hitchhiking up the mountain. She then spends a few pages treating Hitler the way a good portion of the world would treat him. Did I say "a good portion of the world"? I meant "the good portion of the world." The dickholes would probably jizz in their pants.

• Harley steers Hitler's car into a snow drift and then fills the car full of bullets. Hitler escapes with his life. Oh man. I bet he's going to be so pissed after this that he'll...well, I don't know how he could be any worse.

• After the big Nazi versus Bombshells battle, Harley winds up in Adolf's bunker to abuse him some more. He kills himself for some reason. I thought he loved being berated and beaten by women? Maybe he just got so wound up thinking about her shitting on him that his pistol accidentally went off.

• Harley returns to the present where the issue ends without one mention of her beaver, cock, or wiener dog.