Harley's Little Black Book #4

So the new publishing schedule of this title is "Whenever the fuck we feel like it"?

The Things!
• Yay! Now Harley can say all of the disgusting things I've been thinking about the DC Bombshells! This way is much better. People will think it's cute and endearing and sexy when Harley says the exact same things that I want to say which would sound creepy, sexist, misogynistic, possibly racist, inhuman, psychopathic, and sexy!

See? I probably couldn't say hardly any of this!

• I mean, I could say anything I want! But as everybody loves to parrot, "Free speech doesn't free me from the consequences of my speech!" But apparently saying "Free speech doesn't free you from the consequences of your speech" frees you from the consequences of your speech which is most likely going to be the worst speech anybody's ever heard. But I guess that's the attraction of the Twitter mob. You're relatively safe from consequences if a thousand other people are also telling the person who said something you disagreed with to kill themselves.

• Apparently if you're a good person, you're allowed to say any horrible thing you want to a person you've decided is a bad person. I think maybe Jesus gave the go ahead on that one?

• The world isn't going to change because you find a flaw in everybody in the public eye. Although your world will, and it will be miserable. Except, I suppose, for those moments you're attacking somebody someone said was a dick for some reason and it gets your adrenaline spiking and your brain jizz flowing. Those are probably satisfying moments.

• I should probably get back to reading this comic book so I can point out how terrible the writers are. I need a moment of satisfaction in my miserable existence.

• Do editors nowadays demand that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story where, from that point on, it goes like normal until it arrives once again at the scene that began the comic book?

• Can editors nowadays stop demanding that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story and just being the comic book from the beginning of the story?

• Harley Quinn time travels. That's how she winds up in World War II. If you thought maybe she wound up in World War II some other way, you're weird.

• Maybe you're not so weird though because is it really time travel if Harley Quinn winds up in a version of World War II where people she knows are fighting the war? I guess it's more accurate to say she alternate universe travels. Right, weirdo?

• Harley spends a good amount of her time in the past noticing people say and do offensive things. Too bad there's no Twitter so she can ruin their lives.

• It's strange how we all have these many unbearable sadnesses existing within us and yet we still manage to act like we aren't completely and utterly broken.

• The Nazis plot their insanely evil plots that are so insane that they will ensure people will think of them as clowns for decades after and where their uniforms in mock hilarity. What? My new editor is saying you can't wear Nazi uniforms to parties anymore. She also says I probably shouldn't wear them while writing as well.

• I hate to be that nerd but seeing as how we're all so into STEM and shit...Actually, hot air rises. Which, I mean, is practically the same thing given the environment we live in. But what if you found yourself living in a vacuum with another person and a bunk bed and the heater was on the floor and you were all, "Oh! Oh! I'll take top bunk! Ha ha ha!" Then you'd freeze to death! I think. I mean, I don't actually know. I'm probably not the person to be "Actually"ing any STEM subject. Unless the "M" stands for "Masturbation".

• Harley Quinn is hit by the car that past Harley Quinn is in just after the above panel. So now they'll probably kiss.

• Harley Quinn winds up unconscious for awhile so another artist can fill in the extra pages on this $4.99 monster with a hallucination.

• In Harley's hallucination, she battles Hitler Joker Dracula. I hope DC puts out a figure for him! Speaking of figures, here's my Amazon Wish List for anybody who wants to throw some money away!

• Harley Quinn wakes up and decides she understands the physics of comic books. I suppose if anybody does, it's her. So when she realizes she changed the past and created a parallel universe, she decides she can do anything she wants in the past. Like maybe kiss herself in a secret place, right?

• When I typed "secret place," I meant Hitler's underground bunker!

• In this parallel universe, Germans don't speak German with other Germans. But they do speak in bad Hogan's Heroes accents!

• Hitler will be at the thing the Bombshells are planning to thing, so now the thing is another thing. Harley Quinn had better get there fast so she can do something hilarious to Hitler and say, "Ain't I a stinker?"

• Hitler never makes it to the thing because his car picks up Harley hitchhiking up the mountain. She then spends a few pages treating Hitler the way a good portion of the world would treat him. Did I say "a good portion of the world"? I meant "the good portion of the world." The dickholes would probably jizz in their pants.

• Harley steers Hitler's car into a snow drift and then fills the car full of bullets. Hitler escapes with his life. Oh man. I bet he's going to be so pissed after this that he'll...well, I don't know how he could be any worse.

• After the big Nazi versus Bombshells battle, Harley winds up in Adolf's bunker to abuse him some more. He kills himself for some reason. I thought he loved being berated and beaten by women? Maybe he just got so wound up thinking about her shitting on him that his pistol accidentally went off.

• Harley returns to the present where the issue ends without one mention of her beaver, cock, or wiener dog.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5

Time for another sexy chapter!

Once upon a time, a full month passed since the last chapter of this sexy story. Back then, it was a time of not knowing where the story was headed or how the penultimate chapter might end! "Penultimate" is a word that everybody knows because it is one of those long words that sound important and are easy to remember the definition of. I also like it because this is a sexy story and it has "pen" in it and you know what other word has "pen" in it, right? Wink, wink!

But now a month has passed! Vartox is not longer a Puritron so you can bet there will be plenty of sexy scenes today! I hope you already have you pants around your ankles and are sitting on a plastic sheet! Or at least, if you're male, have the plastic sheet a number of inches in front of you depending on the last time you had an orgasm. Keep it close if you have had one recently! But if you are all backed up because nobody will have sex with you and maybe your mother has been keeping a close eye on you and the amount of time you spend in the shower, you'd better put that plastic sheet like a foot or two away because you are going to go off like a messy bottle rocket!

But before everybody does it to everybody else (and you do it to yourself), they're probably going to have to battle some cockblocker named The Harvester of Sorrow. He's a great big handsome head with a beard made of sewer pipes because things are going to get super filthy in and around his face. If you're an adult, you totally know what I'm talking about. If you are a child, you should be thinking about cupcakes. Also maybe you shouldn't be reading this. Instead you should go tell your parents that they are not good at their job.

Mister Sorrow spreads madness all across the universe destroying star systems. If you want to know more about him, you should listen to Metallica's "Harvester of Sorrow." That should explain everything. I suppose I could explain it here but I don't want to repeat any of Metallica's lyrics because Lars Ulrich will sue me. So don't worry, Lars! This is a sex story and bringing up something like infanticide would just kill all of the boners.

The Harvester of Sorrow attacks but nobody's clothes fall off in the way that horny teenagers love clothes to fall off. Horny adults also like for that to happen. Sometimes adults and teenagers who aren't horny don't know that they want clothes to fall off until the clothes fall off and then the horniness sets in. Some good advice when you want to do it with somebody is to just get naked in a room full of people and ask if anybody is horny. Some gross people will say that they are horny but then you should just put your clothes back on and say you are no longer horny instead of saying that they are gross because that's mean. Even gross people don't want to be rejected harshly. Believe me, I know that because a gross friend of mine told me how my feelings were hurt every time somebody told me they didn't want to do it with me because I was gross.

This story is getting less and less sexy every page!

Inside the Cockblocker's head, Harley discovers some berry stickers with bubble gum guns. Those sound like the kinds of things that children would be into! I guess adults that want to appear youthful and whimsical and carefree would also be into bubble gum guns and berry sticker security guards. But us adults who like to do it do not have time for kiddie things! Although I would love to earn a Scratch-n-Sniff banana sticker for being good at doing it to a lady!

Oh wait! I found a sexy part!

And that's about it for the sexy part so you might want to finish while looking at Harley kissing Ivy. I'll wait.

Okay, so the men are back now! You guys missed the part where the giant head caught a Joker virus from Harley and then exploded. I suppose there was another slightly sexy part when you could see Harley's Butt Window but it was really small and not worth mentioning in the story. Also I forgot I was writing a sexy story because this comic book wasn't sexy at all. That feels like a bait and switch because all of the other issues were very sexy and this one was just weird. I didn't even mention the people with billiard balls for heads!

Anyway, the planet was saved and everybody decided it was time to sit in hot tub full of orifice massaging tentacles. But before that happens, Vartox decides to propose to Power Girl because he really wants to put his penis into her vagina on a regular basis. The ring is his way of claiming Power Girl as his own so that other men will go, "I really want to put my penis in that lady's vagina but I can see by the ring on the appropriate finger that she has been claimed by somebody already. So instead I will just get a good look at her and masturbate later while thinking about how she might put her mouth on specific parts of my body that normally people don't put their mouths on." But the story ends before Power Girl can say yes or no because that is called the cliffhanger and it is meant to get the reader frothing at the mouth about what will happen next. Here is a clue: Power Girl marries him for the ring to get home! Remember how that clue was given to readers in Harley Quinn #12? In that issue, I predicted this adventure would go something like this:

[T]hen they get teleported back to another world and then return roughly one second after they left for that one. But since the comic book is only twenty pages, that adventure will have to be left to everybody's imagination. It was probably full of hot, steamy showers, lots and lots of orgies, cupcakes and doughnuts, and explicitly drawn oral sex between all manner of genders.

I think that was a pretty accurate prediction!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5 Rating: No change. This issue did not have enough sex or near sex or hinted at sex or off-color sex jokes or mentions of Harley's beaver or innuendos about sex or anything sexy at all. My pants are full of disappointment.