Blue Beetle Rebirth #1

Now that Ted Kord is in this comic book, I can probably stop superimposing his Blue Beetle face on Jaime's Blue Beetle face.

The Review!
Keith Giffen is back to writing Blue Beetle. I suppose he was writing him in Justice League 3000 but that felt like cheating. I wonder how long before Ted Kord is fat again? Or how long before Booster Gold arrives? Maybe Booster Gold will visit with a young sidekick too, Boosterina Goldess, and she can have a romantic fling with Jaime. But Jaime will probably be disappointing and she'll move on to more popular superhero boyfriends and Jaime will never recover because he believes she's his one true love and why can't she see that and how dare she break his heart and she's a total skank jerko to boot! Or maybe Keith Giffen won't mire this book in the nostalgia of his Justice League of America run from many decades ago.

I suppose we're just going to ignore the fact that Ted Kord is back and running around as the Blue Beetle? I guess his mini-appearance in Forever Evil is good enough to explain where he came from? Although this falls under the Rebirth Label which means anything within the story trumps anything you might think you already knew of the DC Universe.

This issue is a better than average typical Keith Giffen comic book. I mean it's both a better than average regular comic book and a better than average comic book written by Keith Giffen. First off, he does that dialogue thing that he does where everybody sort of has the same way of bantering no matter who they are. So Brenda and Paco banter in much the same way that Ted and Jaime banter in much the same way that Rack and Ruin banter in much the same way that every character in The Heckler banters with every other character in The Heckler in much the same way that every member of Giffen's Suicide Squad banter with every other member of Giffen's Suicide Squad in much the same way Sugar and spice banter in much the same way...I don't know how to get out of this sentence! Oh wait! I did it! Whew. I think I made my point.

Keith Giffen begins by giving this comic book an easy reason to exist. Jaime Reyes wants the Blue Beetle off of his back because it's taking over his life and, apparently, it itches. He reaches out to Ted Kord because Ted is a nice guy billionaire industrialist who knows a thing or two about Blue Beetles. That's the simple premise and it would be good enough to launch this book. But Giffen adds another layer in that Ted Kord's top priority isn't removing Jaime's albascarab. Ted Kord would rather live vicariously through Jaime since Kord has a severe heart condition that limits his ability to fulfill the Blue Beetle role. Add to this Giffen's willingness to keep the previous world-building of Jaime's world relatively intact to include his family, Brenda, Paco, and even Aunt Amparo who is still after his scarab for her magic collection. Add to this Doctor Fate and some imbecilic bad guys and you've got an entertaining Blue Beetle comic book. Plus it has the added bonus of appealing to the only Blue Beetle fans that matter: Ted Kord and Jaime Reyes fans. Fuck all the Dan Garrett fans! And super fuck all of the Dan Garret fans! Although most of them are probably dead from World War II.

Brenda is still as feisty and sexy and hot and underage as I remember her! And fictional! Remember she's fictional so her age doesn't matter and I'm allowed to have a crush on her no matter how gross and problematic that seems to judgmental jerkfaces! She's a drawing of a nonexistent person! I'm pretending she's a thirty year old narc working with Checkmate to uncover underage metahumans. So she totally does it and stuff.

Doctor Fate #15

The Review!
This issue begins by making the reader think the real threat is a bunch of mummies. But in actuality, it is woman who is the enemy! I suppose "mummy" is a play on "fucking bitches, amirite?"

Exhibit A: Khalid believes women are mind-controlling manipulators who demand constant attention!


Exhibit B: Kent believes they are fearful, wrath-filled monsters who will make your life hell if you fail them.

Now that readers unambiguously understand the metaphor at play in this issue, I will assume that any comment about mummies is simply Paul Levitz and Sonny Liew's thoughts on women. Khalid first describes them as inarticulate. Just a bunch of blabbering monsters with nothing important to say! I mean, I suppose if Khalid would open up his male ears and really give what they were saying a listen instead of listening to the women around him while his mind screams "Blah blah blah blah blah!", maybe he wouldn't think women were just stumbling around the city going, "Unnnnnhhhhhhhhhh!" Maybe if their mouths weren't wrapped up and gagged by the bandages of the Patriarchy, Khalid would be able to hear what they were saying! Maybe they're the most articulate and men are just cavemen who language not good for. Oops! Sorry! I didn't mean to swing the pendulum that far to the other side and begin bashing men just to uplift women. We're all in this together! We need to lift everybody up together! You know what they say: A rising tide lifts all boats! Except, of course, for the boats with really short chains on their anchors. Those boats just get swamped by the rising tide and sink. I don't think you're supposed to think about that though when you hear the rising tide advice.

Khalid does mention that the "mummies" are "not ineffective." That's a compliment, right? I should use that one next time I see a woman accomplish something great. I'll be all, "Wow! You're totally not ineffective!"

Exhibit C: Just in case you didn't get the analogy from Exhibits A and Exhibits B! We can't all be Grandmaster Comic Book Readers! And by "we," I mean "you."

The women are completely overrunning the park while Dr. Fate tries to find Shaya, his girlfriend who won't have sex with him. That might be why he's so angry at women. She's all, "We need to be responsible and concentrate on medical school and we don't want any life choice mistakes messing up our plans!" And Khalid is all, "Come on. Just touch it!"

Meanwhile his neighbor Akila who can't think of anything but touching it is worming her way into his parents' hearts. So manipulative! She's pretending to be concerned about racism and organizing a march which she wants Khalid's parents to be involved in but it's so transparent that she's just trying to get Khalid's parents to like her so that they convince their son that she's the one he should marry. These mummies are so inarticulate and manipulative and frigid and whores too! Um, is what, um, Paul Levitz probably thinks based on what I'm reading here.

See? "Very adult work!" That's porn! Also note how sexist Mohammad Nassour is: "In these difficult times, we must be grateful to you women! Even if we don't want to be! Ptui!" He, um, was probably thinking.

Khalid, as Doctor Fate, saves Shaya and she's completely ungrateful. Not that she needs to be grateful or owes Doctor Fate anything like sex or whatever else women have of value. But it certainly shows Khalid's attitude toward Shaya. She treats him like shit during the entire rescue (perhaps because she finds him a bit presumptuous? And who needs to have some guy presuming shit right after you almost had your head ripped off by a mummy (or another woman, if I keep to the metaphor? Analogy? Transposition?) and all he can think after dropping her off is, "Well, she would have been sweet and not a total dick if she'd known it was me!"

The real Dr. Fate arrives to turn the women into dust which seems really misogynistic so maybe they were just mummies all along. Maybe I was just reading this story through the lens of my own sexism. Maybe I should work on my flaws instead of trying to point out those same flaws in other people. Maybe I should...what am I saying?! I'm an Internet denizen! The main reason to be on the Internet is to ignore your own flaws while pointing out or just plain making up flaws in other people! I'm fine!

And speaking of fine, this comic book has gotten way better than when it began although I still wouldn't really recommend it. Maybe if you're into Dr. Fate or you hate women. If you are, this comic book still hasn't ended. It's totally defying Rebirth!

Batman #5

The Review!
The metaphor (meataphor?) of this book is readily apparent to anybody who knows what a metaphor is and can read and has made the connection that Gotham the super hero has the same name as Gotham the city. If it's a bit subtle for some of you, you're probably writing for Comic Book Resources. I don't have anything against Comic Book Resources but I feel like I should really hate anybody I can identify as a rival. Often I'll stand in line at Taco Bell thinking what a fucking slut the person ahead of me is. I don't even have anything against sluts! I think maybe I'm just angry. But then who isn't angry inside a Taco Bell? There's a reason every one of us is under that roof and it's not because we have control over our lives. Especially that slut.

So, um, that metaphor! Let me walk you through it slowly. Gotham is a city and that city has problems. Batman tries to fix those problems. And that's the synopsis of seventy-five years of Batman. But wait! Tom King has come along and thought, "What if...wait for it...wait for it (that first wait for it was asking you to wait for the second wait for it!)...Gotham was a character! But not in that way too subtle and overly finessed way Scott Snyder did it in his incomprehensible run on the comic! I say we make Gotham an actual person! And he can totally represent Gotham in every way and now Batman has to fix him or punch him or put out fires on him or buy up pieces of his body at rock bottom prices and then patrol those neighborhoods to drive out crime so that the value of his properties rise! Okay, yeah, you're right. I'm getting a little bit too literal on the metaphor! But you get where I'm going with this, right? Gotham City is broken and then comes this guy Gotham who is majestic and awe-inspiring and a great place to raise your kids. But then he gets broken too! Now we can watch Batman fix Gotham City by fixing Gotham Dude! Who wants to be the first to shake my hand and pat me on the back?!"

It's actually more complex than that but I'm a lousy critic who is probably just jealous of professional writers and needs to tear down everything they make to feel better about my lousy existence, so how am I supposed to understand the complexity of the metaphor? I suppose I have to remember that Hugo Strange is part of this and, just like all of Batman's villains, Strange is trying to control Gotham. But not the city! The dude! Get it?! But by controlling Gotham Dude, Hugo can now destroy Gotham City. So the metaphor sort of begins to bleed into itself like a Dali painting running from the rain and dripping all over an Escher print.

At one point in the story, Alfred dresses up like Batman to confront Gotham merely to detain him. Gotham says, "What...who are you?" Alfred responds, "I'm Batman." Then Gotham is all, "No...you're just a man in a mask." See?! It's still all metaphor for how the city reacted to some idiot tying a towel around his neck and running about the yard hitting his friends with sticks. Gotham City's first reaction is, "How can a man in a mask help?! We're all dying here!" And, well, the city must be right because Alfred turns and runs away once Batman arrives. Which is the continuation of the metaphor! I think. Maybe it's a different metaphor. Or perhaps I'm wandered into thematic discussion? Anyway, the point is that the city doesn't need somebody in a mask to save it. The city needs the Jeezly Crow Batman! And it can recognize when the pencil mustachioed man with the ill-fitting onesie draped over him isn't Batman.

So now that you've got all that metaphor in your head--don't be distracted by the Monster Men who are coming!--it's time for the big twist: Batman is actually Gotham! No wonder he was so upset when he realized he was infested with owls. Batman is such a huge control freak that he blames himself for everything that is wrong with Gotham because it's everything that is wrong with himself. His failures and his flaws are Gotham's failures and flaws. And with that revelation, Gotham is no longer needed and the metaphor is allowed to run its course and die. But Gotham Girl gets to stick around because she needs to marry Duke Thomas and kill Bruce Wayne later. You can't have a Batman series without a Death of Batman story being wedged in there somewhere, apparently.

So I guess this is becoming a Gotham Girl comic book and not a Batman comic book. I bet David Finch was excited about that! I have a feeling Tom King just finally broke down from Finch's incessant emails asking King to write in more scenes where Gotham Girl can wear a bikini or maybe be in her panties getting ready for bed or perhaps barely covered up by the steam of a shower while naked in the bathroom or perhaps just have her cosplaying White Rabbit! And Tom King was all, "Fine! Gotham Girl Year One! Bone up on your female underwear drawings!" And David Finch was all, "Boned and ready!"

Somebody, somewhere, at some point in time is going to point to this panel to show how much stronger and more powerful Gotham Girl is because she doesn't look hurt at all while Gotham is now dead. But it's really just the only way David Finch knows how to draw women and men. Women are always somehow under good light with clear skin and men are lit by flickering florescent bulbs with old, tattered wrinkled skin (and usually fish lips).

Green Arrow #5

Intimate contact with another human being is overrated.

The Review!
If you like Green Arrow, this comic book is good enough for you to keep liking Green Arrow. I don't know what else to say! This isn't the place where I discuss the themes of the series intelligently so that strangers I'll never meet think I'm some kind of comic book reading genius! I mean, I am that but I'm not going to dance like a comic book reading genius monkey for no peanuts! What is the point of comic book reviews on the Internet anyway? This site is for people who have already read the comic book and just want to check to see if they read it correctly (most likely they didn't). But I can't tell you if your tastes are as refined as my tastes! What if I said this comic book was the best Green Arrow comic book and that caused you to pick it up and you were disappointed? You might think I was a huge liar when, in fact, you just didn't read the comic book correctly! See? I don't want that happening! I don't want people thinking I had an incorrect opinion. That's practically blasphemy. Oh! I wonder how I can get God status so that having differing opinions from me would literally be blasphemy?! I want that!

The Commentary!
Black Canary has been captured by the leader of The Inferno, Captain Meltyface. His main concern is making money running his criminal banking empire but he has some other hobbyhorses that he's totally into and he really wants Black Canary to be into them too. So he explains to her how cool fire is. He's all, "Don't be afraid of it! If we didn't have the sun, everything would freeze!" Oh yeah! That's a good point! But if that was his only good point about fire, I might be skeptical. Luckily he has some more pro fire facts at his disposal!

I'm sold! Fire is the best and I shouldn't be afraid of it at all. Excuse me while I go jump in one!

I have an inkling that Captain Meltyface's Ted Talk on fire is a bit one-sided so maybe I'll hold off jumping into a fire. He's just so charismatic that I'm having trouble thinking of any counter arguments against fire. Maybe later Green Arrow will debate him so I can learn why fire isn't as great as Black Canary is learning it is.

Surprisingly (if you haven't been paying any attention at all and your knowledge of literature amounts to having read The Cave of Time three different times and wound up with the same ending twice), Captain Meltyface's real name is Dante. Luckily my knowledge of literature extends past The Cave of Time to several different endings in each of the following books: Journey Under the Sea, By Balloon to the Sahara, The Mystery of Chimney Rock, The Third Planet From Altair, The Holy Bible, Deadwood, and Who Killed Harlowe Thrombey?, so I probably would have guessed that his name was Dante if somebody had put a gun to my head and said, "Guess Captain Meltyface's real name!", and then gave me a hint.

Dante has a big corporate meeting or auction to attend to so he leaves Black Canary with Shado and Emiko. He doesn't know that's a bad idea but he'll probably realize it later when he's sitting in prison trying to figure out where he went wrong. Was it telling Black Canary his plans or trusting Oliver's sister or pissing off Green Arrow? Maybe all of those things?

Green Arrow and Diggle have captured one of the people attending the meeting and, since they all wear fantastic masks, Diggle has decided to go undercover as the CEO they've captured. While Diggle figures out what's going on with The Inferno, Green Arrow will be searching for Black Canary and Emiko.

Diggle wants to blow up The Inferno's battle cruiser but Oliver wants to liberate their funds. Judging by the cover, he's going to have to make a choice between love and money. Again judging by the cover, he's going to make the wrong decision.

Green Arrow finds the vault while Diggle tries to guess the most inconspicuous seat at the big banker table. Oliver's first thought when he sees the riches hoarded by The Inferno is that he can use it to fund his little Green Arrow playtime thing. I knew he cares more about running around playing hero than helping the needy.

Green Arrow eventually finds Black Canary already loose from her bonds with Emiko's help and Shado unconscious from a Canary Cry. Emiko explains how she's been working for Ollie the entire time (well, most of the entire time) and then Black Canary slaps Oliver for not telling her that he was alive. Green Arrow is all, "What the fuck?! I'm reporting to you now?! I almost fucking died! You know whose life I think of first in times of trouble? Mine, you selfish crow!"

Oh, I see how it is. Their relationship is just a game to Black Canary. I was working on the assumption that "I need space so don't come after me" means "I need space so don't come after me."

Diggle leads the bad guys right to Oliver so they can have the big fight scene. Although the big fight scene really only consists of Black Canary pushing Dante into the face-melter and Shado tranquilizing and kidnapping her daughter. The odds are overwhelming so Oliver makes the tough decision to blow up and sink all of the money to save their lives. What a dum-dum!

Everybody makes it off of The Inferno's battleship except for Oliver because he needs to be knocked unconscious, dropped into the sea, and washed away to that stupid fucking deserted island. Again.

Aquaman #5

At first I thought the soldiers were named after various whiskies but then I saw "Eltaeb" and I thought, "Oh! These must be soldiers who graduated from the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley!"

The Review!
In this issue, Aquaman and Mera prove to the United States government that they shouldn't go to war with Atlantis. Two Atlanteans (well, one and a Xenian or whatever) basically dismantle the entire marine corps during their escape from the detention cell where Arthur was being held for resisting arrest or terrorism or looking at the president side-eyed. Events have completely spiraled out of control to a point well past my usual limits of credulity (even for a comic book!). But for some reason, I don't really mind. Aquaman is finding out how America tends to go crazy when too many people say the word terrorism. And Atlantis isn't really known for their patience or reluctance to mobilize for war. So every event is doubling down on the initial misunderstanding and it all stemmed from Black Manta's attack on the Atlantean Embassy. He must be pretty damn proud! What I'm trying to say is Dan Abnett's telling an enjoyable Aquaman story that could maybe use less troops attacking Aquaman and less Mera going directly to the belief that her marriage is over before it begun. This isn't about your future nuptials, Mera! This is an international incident!

The Commentary!
Sometimes when I complain about a comic book, I complain about the writer's decisions. And other times, I complain as if the character were making stupid mistakes and completely ignore the writer's involvement. I like myself best when I'm pretending to be unaware of the artists behind the art. I like to get so wrapped up in a comic book that I scream at Aquaman when he does something stupid (almost always) rather than let Aquaman off the hook and blame the writer behind his actions. Plus I probably shouldn't be so mean to people just trying to earn a living when they're obviously struggling so hard to be competent at their work. I'm not naming any specific Cullen Bunns here! I mean names! This revelation is more about me anyway. I should be a kinder person! It's okay to mock Aquaman as much as I like (which is really, really, really, really a lot!) but I probably shouldn't enjoy mocking the struggling artists giving about 30% of their all to entertain the masses. Seriously though! Why should I expect them to give 100%?! I can hardly ever muster 100% even for things I'm enthusiastic about!

Last issue, Aquaman was trying to solve problems by diplomacy. But his main problem with solving this problem diplomatically is that he's trying to use diplomacy with the United States of America. Their entire playbook for diplomacy involves making power plays. The number one rule when America goes into a diplomatic situation is to make sure the other person knows who is in charge! Aquaman was playing by their rules for the most part, allowing them to prove they're in charge by locking him up so they can exhibit the only other part of their diplomatic plan: control! First you show people who is in charge! Then you control the entire situation and shit all over the word compromise! It might not make you the most likeable or seemingly intelligent country on the block but it definitely lines your pockets with the lunch money of all those other nerd countries.

Aquaman was playing the part like a great king does. He bent over at all the right times and he spread his ass cheeks at just the right time and he made sure to keep saying America's name in pleasurable moans. The American government was confused by his willingness to submit because that screws up most of their power play. When they bump against some Atlantean squirt at the bar, they hope the Atlantean squirt will say something like "Excuse me!" or "Oh, sorry I was standing here!" that will give America a reason to bust their chops. Hell, even just looking annoyed that America bumped them and caused them to spill their drink is reason enough to invade the fuck out somebody. So when Aquaman just kept taking it without giving America a reason to get violent, they weren't sure what to do next. Luckily they had a plan! Bump into Mera!

Mera, of course, is no Aquaman. She does not bend over. She does not spread her ass cheeks. What she does do is immediately being buckling the strap on because she's about to do some good old fashion pegging on America! She immediately flips the fuck out and breaks Aquaman out of prison. America breathes a sigh of relief because they know how to handle this kind of terrorist uprising! They send the entire military to meet Aquaman and Mera as they try to escape the detention center to kill the fuck out Aquaman and Mera. Yay America. Yay. Ya...oh god. I'm so sorry, the rest of the world! I'm so fucking sorry! Most of us can't apologize enough for the twats running the show and their obsequious lackeys coming in their pants at the thought of dropping bombs or long, protracted invasions.

Mera is strapped on and ready to teach the Marines a new tactic.

Mera throws a tank at a helicopter and half the marines shit themselves. But Aquaman makes sure to save everybody who should be dead due to Mera's wrath. Luckily for the marines, he believes in non-violent solutions. Or, at least, non-lethal solutions! It's not like he's going to try to stop Mera from punching every single one of them in their stupid faces. I mean, he eventually drags her away but he seems to take his time.

It would be nice to imagine this as a fictional, hyperbolic attitude of the government of the United States, wouldn't it?

I realize I'm being too hard on these fictional government entities (and by extension, the non-fictional ones) when the Chief of Staff points out that Aquaman is the least important member of the Justice League and just the fish guy. This guy is actually all right and I'm beginning to see his point that Aquaman needs to be killed.

Although I think I'm being way too lenient on the marines! Who are these guys who just unthinkingly follow orders?! Man, it must be such a sweet life! You never have to worry about your own ethics or desires! You never have to worry about being responsible for anything (until somebody higher up needs a patsy, of course!). You can just sit back, shoot whomever you're told to shoot, and collect that sweet, sweet government paycheck! And now you don't even need to worry so much about horrible civilian attitudes coming back from war like in the Vietnam days! People are wearing shirts that say shit like "Home of the Free Because of the Brave" and think of every soldier as a hero and sing songs like "Freedom isn't free!" And nobody ever argues how those attitudes are harmful because you can't have a thoughtful conversation about patriotism and imperialism and warmongering without coming off as unsympathetic of the plight of the soldier in this day and age. I will say this though about that stupid fucking t-shirt I mentioned: if you think America is free due to our overseas violence, you're probably a moron.

On minor disagreement and Mera goes straight to the wedding being off!

I realize calling people who believe something other than I do a moron isn't ever helpful. But sometimes a person just becomes exhausted with everybody who thinks they're smart or hold well-considered opinions but they just aren't and they just don't. And anything I say will just produce the exact result from the other side, where I'm called a moron because I might think that doing nothing after 9/11 would have been better for the world than demanding more blood from any country we could paint as the source of the problem. Just looking at it from the American side alone and ignoring any casualties from other countries, we would have had far less American deaths from 9/11 had we reacted less violently. Rushing out and murdering other people because some of us were murdered is gangland tactics. Protecting citizens from another catastrophe like this? That's what governments are supposed to do.

I've said enough! This is about that fish guy and not about pissing off my dumb-dumb conservative readership!

Meanwhile in Atlantis, Tula, the current regent while Arthur is above water, decides de-escalation is what is called for in this trying time! But then she gets a report that the United States military is trying to kill their King and his fiance and Tula decides maybe de-de-escalation is the better way to go!

I think this situation is properly fubared. Which is probably why the president calls in Superman to handle the situation. Although, judging from Superman's past, this encounter isn't exactly going to break out in an intelligent conversation.

Green Lanterns #5

Can DC Comics please retire Atrocitus already?

The Review!
I'm not a fan of this comic book. It's all idea and no substance. The idea is to have two rookie Green Lanterns learn to overcome their flaws so they can save the world. Also they're quite different but they're also quite alike! And by learning to work together and lean on each other, they'll have the strength to be greater together than they ever could be alone! It would be nice though, being a comic book, if the pictures and words would work together. Maybe that's on purpose! The art and writing are like Jess and Si! They need to learn to integrate so that they can protect the world from unholy monsters like me! Now if I could just convince myself that that was the plan, maybe I could be happy about this series.

The Commentary!
Do comic book writers ever consider why they're bringing a specific villain into the series or are they just ticking the boxes on their run of a certain title? "I've got Aquaman so, of course, I'm going to need a Black Manta story. Just have him come int to try to kill Aquaman because, well, he hates him! Then maybe I'll do a Trouble is Brewing in Atlantis story about how people are disgruntled with a land dweller ruling them! I think I can drag that out about six issues because that's how long I'm supposed to make each story for corporate reasons that have nothing to do with the writing process. Then maybe I can bring back Ocean Master because his confidence will be up in the wake of the Atlantis trouble and because he hates Aquaman. After that, maybe there will be some conflict between the land and the sea because they mistrust each other. After that, I should probably do some environmental stuff because the king of the ocean needs to keep reminding people not to throw garbage in the ocean. Then if nobody is really paying attention because this is just another typical run of Aquaman, maybe I can sneak in my erotic story of forbidden love between Garth and a dolphin." That makes it feel like I'm picking on Dan Abnett when I'm really just picking on most writers in general. Aquaman is actually doing fine right now! But Green Lanterns? I don't know, man! I just don't know! Why are Atrocitus and the Red Lanterns the villains? Is it because we need to see Simon is angry at how he's been mistreated for being a Muslim American? Or how Jessica is angry because she never wanted to leave her apartment and now look: she's in space! Or did Sam Humphries just decide this was a good place to discuss how angry the entire world is?

I would like to point out that if you don't watch the news and you avoid Twitter and comment sections online, you would have no idea there was any anger in the world at all! Oh, you also probably shouldn't read my comic book reviews because I hate comic books so much! The only time I realize there are angry, impotent, frightened people in the world is when I destroy them in Call of Duty and they have to send me a message telling me how they don't approve of my style of play or my guessed at sexuality! I guess I'm not supposed to kill them over and over again? Or suck cocks?

If you're tired of reading comic books that make you do all the work, might I recommend Green Lanterns?

It does all the thinking for you!

Simon and Jess can even manage to talk to each other in their Narration Boxes while giving the readers a quick personality study. Simon is the tough car loving man-dude with a chip on his shoulder! Jessica is the anxious one who is also totally cute and into Pokémon but against Oxford commas! I'm not sure but I think Sam Humphries would have a difficult time tightening up their codified gender roles.

The Green Lanterns are trying to shut down Atrocitus's Hell Well but now Atrocitus is trying to shut them down. He's brought his crew of Red Lanterns to help out. Jessica, who mentioned how Simon has to face the prejudice of the world on a daily basis, proves that she's one of those assholes he has to deal with.

Yeesh! I'd hate to hear how she describes the rest of the Green Lantern Corps! She's not going to be welcome at the Annual Picnic on Mogo. Also, Zilius Zox should be dead. See Red Lanterns Annual #1.

Si and Jess decide that they should "just do it" which means punch things until they're all punched out. When that's the extent of the conflict, I feel like just taking a nap with the help of a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of sake. This is the level of comic book writing that is held as top notch? Why do people dream about working for one of the big two when this is the bullshit they think is entertaining? You know what the problem is! Well, I know but I swore I'd stop ranting about it because it's all I rant about. But I think I have a new take on it, so maybe I can rant a little bit in this paragraph! The problem is all of these first person Narration Boxes! Because now an big fist fight without any plans or twists or interesting aspects can be the big exciting action sequence because during the fist fight, the writer shoves in a bunch of Narration Boxes so that it seems like some thought is going into the battle. The protagonist can think, "My opponent is too strong to just go toe to toe with! So I've got to use my brains!" But the visual will simply be fists thrown back and forth. The fights have no personality anymore because all the work is going into the thoughts of the hero. And the thoughts don't need to have anything to do with the battle. As long as Jess says things like, "I've got to overcome my anxiety and learn to stand up as a Green Lantern!", readers are fooled into believing Jess is overcoming her anxiety! Why else would she say it if it isn't true?!

I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Just because Jess and Si's Narration Boxing moved straightaway to a double splash page action shot, it doesn't mean the fight won't be choreographed in an interesting way. It doesn't mean Jess or Si will think up a clever way to defeat the Red Lanterns. I don't know for sure that this fight will be no better than a couple of drunks beating each other down over a perceived slight.

During the battle, Dex-Starr is given the Rage Seed to plant at the bottom of the Hell Well.

It's the most adorable evil scheme I've ever seen!

I can easily turn around on this series if Sam would just write more scenes with Dex-Starr! I'm not that down on the book! I get what Sam is doing with the two halves of the whole character arc of Simon and Jessica. I just wish he would do it more how I want him to do it and less how he wants to do it! Am I supposed to be some kind of unbiased critic who can't mention the flaws simply because the flaws and what I don't like overlap?! Please! I'm just as human as the next person as long as the next person is often called an unemotional robot by the people who know her.

Oh! Guess what happens after the adorable Dex-Starr scene? Simon and Jess continue to throw punches while the Narration Boxes do all of the work! Although I'm not sure what kind of work they're trying to do. I think they're trying to do the same kind of work that the Grifter Narration Boxes were doing way back when.

You mean it's not in the top ten things people would associate with them? Because I'm pretty sure that's wrong!

If we were to do word association and you were to say "Red Lantern", I'd be all, "Anger! Rage! Vomit! Red! Lanterns!" But then if you said "Fourth of July," I would never in a million years answer with "Lemonade!" Is it a regional thing?

Jessica continues to spray green light at the Red Lanterns in images that mean nothing. How is the fight going? Is she winning? Losing? Who knows because, as I guessed earlier, the punching doesn't matter. It's all about her Narration Boxing. Instead of showing how she doubts herself and how she overcomes that in the fight, the reader is just told that she's feeling anxious and that she doubts her ability. But while she thinks that, she continues to blast Red Lanterns as well as any Green Lantern who can't make a gigantic green boxing glove (which is none of them, by the way).

Simon gets his page as well where he thinks about how he overcame nearly getting his brother-in-law killed which means he can overcome this brawl. But then he also has to take a moment to have some Emerald Sight which is possibly even worse than the incessant Narration Boxing. Now he gets to see a glimpse of the future which means nothing. He sees the Justice League being angry and Atrocitus saying, "Red Dawn is coming." Who the fuck cares?! Why is this a thing? Is this like the local news teasing a story to keep you interested? Is this Sam Humphries thinking, "I know my story isn't good enough to keep people reading. But if they only knew I planned to bring in the Justice League, there's no way they can drop the book, right?!"

No. I can mention a Green Lantern making a boxing glove because I'm expressing my disdain at how the battle isn't even on that low of a level. As the author, you cannot go there because it's lazy.

Jessica's anxiety and fear take over and she runs and hides and thinks over and over again, "I can't do this!" No, you can't. Give the ring to somebody else because at this point, it makes no sense that you were given one. There's only one rule and that's the ability to overcome great fear. You have the great fear so fucking overcome it already! I suppose I can give you one more issue to overcome it but if this becomes a regular part of the series, I will...well, I don't know. Roll my eyes more?

I just remembered! The last issue had Atrocitus telling Simon and Jess that he would let the one that kills the other one live. But there's been no acknowledgment of that ending at all! I guess I'm just supposed to assume that he was speaking figuratively or that that speech was code for his Red Lanterns to attack?

The issue ends with Jessica curled up into a fetal position because she's representing for the terminally anxious. And Simon Baz has just got his ass kicked because he's representing for those who constantly get their asses kicked. I wish this issue were one page longer so the Red Lanterns could have just finished them off and saved me $2.99 next month.

Superman #5

The Eradicator gives the worst happy endings.

The Commentary!
I didn't mention the sodomy going on on the cover because I've decided to repress the memory of finding it arousing.

Last issue, Superman took his family on a road trip to the moon (minus the road). He loaded them up in the camper submarine and took them to see the sights. Or is it sites? I suppose both work so get off my cases. I used the plural of case because I had two possibilities there that I didn't wanting you getting on. So, um, the first site he takes his family to sight is the American flag planted on the moon! Proof that America actually went to the moon which everybody who listens to Coast to Coast AM sorely needs (although they'll ignore anything that proves America went to the moon). Well, conspiracy radio nutjobs, check out this proof:

See? The American fla...wait a second! That's not the American flag! The stripes are all wrong! What is going on here? Why would America plant a forgery on the moon? Is it a literal clue that the moon landing was a false flag operation?! Ignore the definition of "false flag" and just believe my wordplay conspiracy!

What is the etymology of "conspiracy"? Does it mean "with piracy"? Which should mean conspiracies are all run by pirates, right?! How hard would it be to keep a lid on a conspiracy if it had to be run by pirates. The president of the United States would be all, "And here is the new head of the CIA, Mister Frank the Kidd!" Then Frank would limp up and try to shake with his left hand but misjudge the distance of the president's hand!

Everybody who read that last sentence understood I was describing a man with a peg leg and a hooked right hand who wore an eyepatch, right? If you didn't get that, maybe you should be reading easier to understand reviews like the kind they have at Comic Book Resources or Weird Science Blog. I hear they love Scott Lobdell over there! That means they have, at best, a fourth grade reading comprehension! Y'all should fit in nicely there! Arr!

I was so distracted by the US flag that I didn't notice how fucked up the Earth was! Doug Mahnke definitely failed geography. Unless that's an accurate representation of Earth. And then this might be the proper time to tell you how I did in geography! I will say this about taking geography in Junior High: I once did a fully plagiarized oral report on glaciers. I mean, why bother putting it in my own words instead of reading it directly from an encyclopedia from the fifties?! I suppose I could have stuck some great glacier jokes in my report but I hadn't honed my craft then. You may have guessed that, especially if you were thinking, "You haven't honed your craft yet!"

According to the lighting in the previous scan, half of the "dark side of the moon" should be lit up. So why not go to that part so you don't terrify your family, Clark?

I guess Superman doesn't have a choice which part of the dark side of the moon to take his family since he's taking them into Batman's secret moon base. So...um...you know. That exists now! Batman has a secret base on the moon! Alfred is going to shit when he finds out he's got another place to clean.

Superman quotes Sun Tzu because The Art of War is totally the book I expect Superman to worship. Although the quote he says, "He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight," seems like some common sense shit that he could have pointed out without having to quote somebody. People who rely on quotes are generally boring assholes. I think even without the quoting of Sun Tzu, a lot of people might agree that Superman is a boring asshole. I don't think he is and I don't want him to be! But more often than not, writers can't seem to figure him out. So he quotes Sun Tzu instead of Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Thankfully, this Lois Lane is much more Lois Lane than the Lois Lane in Justice League. Superman is all, "Jon, I don't want to have to deal with you using your powers and being in the Junior Justice League!" And Lois is all, "Are you fucking kid, Clark? He needs to learn! Get him out there fighting Doomsday and yanking gigantic gravitational balls out of the Earth's core!" Meanwhile Batman is probably watching all of this on his Batcomputer on Earth (or in the Moon Base's Pantry) and thinking, "So! The little twerp has super powers, does he?! I can't wait to casually let Clark know that I know!"

The Eradicator arrives and says, "Did your precious Sun Tzu say anything about surprise entrances?!" Although that line might come back to haunt him when he's surprise sodomized by Batman in the Hellbat armor.

Superman must have read some Sun Tzu that said, "Fight stupidly, stupid!", because Superman throws a bunch of crappy punches and then gets inhaled into Eradicator's Phantom Zone gullet. Well, at least Krypto will now have company.

Eradicator begins chasing Jon around the Bat-moon-cave while Lois begins digging through Batman's personal belongings.

Oh! The cover is Lois sodomizing the Eradicator! I suddenly don't feel any shame for being aroused by it!

The way Lois looks at and handles that item in the first panel means it must be a used butt plug.

Why doesn't Lois use her super powers to save Jon? She doesn't need to don Batman's unwashed fetish armor! But she dons it anyway and precedes to kick the Eradicator's ass while quoting Sarah Palin. At least I like to believe that she's quoting Sarah Palin. While Lois and Jon keep The Eradicator backpedaling all over the Bat-Moon-Cave, Superman works out a new deal with the souls of the Kryptonians while in The Phantom Zone. Hopefully he first asked them where his dog was. And maybe did they have a cat and a horse and a monkey too?

Superman absorbs all of the souls of Krypton himself and fights his way back up Eradicator's throat. That means next issue is yet another round of fisting! I mean fist fighting!

The Review!
I suppose it's cool to see Lois Lane get inside the Hellbat armor and kick some ass. But is it cool enough to destroy everything a fan believes about the DC Universe?! Aren't I supposed to believe Lois Lane has superpowers? Why did she need the armor? Was she more worried about revealing her powers to her son than saving her son's life? And, let us face some very sober facts, Batman would never allow his Hellbat Armor to be used by another person. It would probably work like a fingerprint or eyeball reader but it would be a full body reader! He probably has to get in the suit naked and the suit reads every wrinkle of his skin to make sure it is Batman. Only after confirmation will it come online! Unless maybe Bruce put in a "The current woman I'm trying to bang can try it out which will totally seal the deal" Mode. You know what? I've convinced myself that that's why Lois can use it. The Hellbat Armor was all, "Beep beep beep. Soft tush. Perky breasts. Pleasant woman funk. Switching modes. Ready for sexy battle."

Wow. I just realized that the whole Hellbat Armor ridiculousness made me completely forget about the other ridiculousness: Batman has a base on the moon! Holy Mare Vespertilionem, Batman!