New Titans #91 (October 1992)

Well, it’s what he’s been called so far, so why not?

The big question raised in this issue is this: how can adult Lord Chaos from the future and baby Lord Chaos from the present exist in the same space and time?

I know, I know! It’s a stupid question! Everybody knows the answer is “Because of time travel, you stupid knob.” But apparently everybody realizes that some cosmic law of the physical universe would somehow be broken if two versions of the same person were to exist in the same place and they’re all freaking out about it now. Nobody fucking questioned time travel though. “Oh! You’re here from the future? Oh yeah? Cool! Come hang out! But don’t call up your past version of yourself because the rates are crazy or something. I don’t know. Whatever.”

Obviously this stupid question which should never even have been thought to ask is being asked for plot reasons. Is Lord Chaos not really Donna’s baby? Seems like that’s the whole point of the question! Although I hope that isn’t what’s going on because if the baby isn’t killed by the Team Titans, does that mean Donna is going to have to deal with a baby from here on out? Ugh! Disgusting!

Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth #1

How many pages in until Artemis and Jason are fucking?

The Commentary!
I've been seeing Scott Lobdell retweet a modest amount of praise for this issue, so now I'm wondering, "Is this the day I finally give Scott Lobdell a decent review?" On one hand, I feel like a lot of people who enjoyed this comic book probably only enjoyed it because they love Jason Todd and Scott Lobdell probably had a panel with him eating cookies with Batman or something. So then their brains overloaded as they thought, "MY POOR BABY JAYBIRD! OH MY GOD! HOW ADORABLE!" They probably don't know anything about writing and plot and whatever you call the people in the stories. Oh! Characters! They probably don't know any of that crap! And on the other more mythical and probably non-existent hand, Scott Lobdell has finally learned how to write! This seems more far-fetched than catching a glimpse of Bigfoot on the local light rail but I suppose I need to entertain that possibility. I mean, all of DC's heroes have gotten a second chance with Rebirth, so why not Scott Lobdell? I just have one little problem. I'm not sure I can set aside my bias! After years of reading the worst stories imaginable by this man, I've developed a huge bias callus on my brain! How can I file that sucker off so that I can view Scott Lobdell's work with a clean mind? I wish I had some Vicodin.

I'll just trust the critic in me to approach this without any preconceived notions! Not that I trust the critic in me. That guy is a dick. Just ask Scott Lobdell!

The issue begins with Jason Todd stealing the tires off of the Batmobile.

Have you ever tried to get a floor jack under the front of a Camaro, let alone a Batmobile? Unless if you got a couple guys to help lift the car a bit, it's not possible. Therefore this scene has already ruined the comic for me! And why the bottle jack in the back as well?! Why so many different jacks, Todd?! Scott Lobdell is terrible!

That was a joke! I don't blame Lobdell for making a mess of the jacking up the Batmobile scene! That's Dexter Soy's fault! Or maybe it's just part of the characterization of Jason Todd. He just likes to be careful. Who wants a Batmobile falling on them while they take the tires? This just shows that Jason Todd thinks ahead and that he's strong enough to wander the neighborhood with a floor jack, probably two bottle jacks, four car stands, and a tire iron! He probably keeps them all in his hoodie because he wouldn't want to raise any suspicions!

Batman catches Jason Todd in the act and now it's time for Scott Lobdell to really execute that hilarious wit of his! Batman is all, "Serious serious!" And Jason Todd is all, "Snarky smarm, Batdick!" And Batman is all, "Eww! I'll show you! Want to get a sandwich?" Then Batman is all, "I really miss having a child in my cave. It could be fun having a surly little asshole running around! Want to be my sidekick?" And Jason Todd is all, "You'll never tame me!"

Since this is a Rebirth issue, I guess we're just getting a refresher on Jason Todd's origin. So I don't think Artemis and Jason will be doing it this issue. That's too bad! That's why I figured people were enjoying this book!

Oh wait! We're in the present now! Let the finger banging commence!

You can tell just how mature a person is by whether or not they've ever used the phrase "finger banging" seriously. I assure you, I was using it seriously! I mean ironically!

Red Hood is stopped by Batman before he can kill the mayor. That's when Red Hood says directly to the reader, "They say there are no straight lines in life. That it's all one big circle." Who says that? I've heard the line "There are no straight guys in life" that time I was propositioned by another man in my friend Doom Bunny's apartment. But I'm not sure I've heard that other thing about it being all one big circle. That sounds like maybe it's something out of the Big Book! But since I've never had an addictive personality, I've never read it! I should call my drunk...I mean my dad and ask him!

Anyway, Jason Todd defeats Batman because it's his comic book, and then he shoots the mayor in the face while Batman impotently watches. The only explanation for this is that Batman wanted the mayor dead and didn't mind playing at losing to see the job done. Oh, Batman! You're such a sly devil! Never killed anybody, my ass! Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge!

It's about the time of the story for Jason Todd to remember that he was once killed by The Joker. I hope he blames Batman like he always seems to do because he's not mature enough to blame himself!

In his memory of the event, Jason Todd mumbles an apology to Bruce just before he's blown up. Luckily he doesn't get too blown up or else he would have come out of that Lazarus Pit looking disgusting instead of sexy. And then where would his fans be?! I'll tell you where! Um, wherever small-minded idiots hang out! Like hot tubs you rent by the hour! Yeah! That's where they'd be! Ha ha! Burn!

If you're a fan of Jason Todd, I wasn't talking about you in particular! You obviously have good taste and intelligence because you actually read this far into my brilliant rambling!

Later, Batman shows up at Red Hood's hideout to thank him for killing the mayor. Probably.

Oh right! Trust the kid who murders indiscriminately! Oh wait? Is this the version of Jason Todd that kills willy-nilly? Or is this the version, in the same series, that chastises everybody not to kill? Luckily this is Rebirth so I can't disagree with whichever one Lobdell chooses to use this time around. As long as he, you know, sticks with it. Or at least gives a motivation for a sudden change.

Jason Todd asks Batman to let him infiltrate the seedy underworld of Gotham since they all think he tried to assassinate the mayor. Batman doesn't like the idea but he decides to let Jason do it. Of course Batman doesn't give up full control, being a completely manipulative micromanaging control freak! He points out that if Jason kills just one person, Batman will come for him. Jason pouts and decides to have a flashback.

In the flashback, Alfred takes a serious picture of Batman and Robin. Batman fucks it all up and smiles in it. What an idiot. I will say without a hint of hating myself for it that the scene is actually pretty good. But even a shit on clock is right once per day! Don't argue with that! You don't have all the details! The clock is broken and it has no hands but once a day it plays a recording that says, "I have been shit upon."

In the final scene where Jason Todd quotes the Rolling Stones, the reader gets to see the only two books Jason Todd has ever read: Rambo: First Blood and Where the Red Fern Grows. No wait! That's my high school friend Paul Bauerle! Jason Todd's two books are The Prince and The Art of War. Those don't shine any kind of new light on his character! Those are two books you would expect him to have read! It would have been much cuter if the books had been The Little Prince and The Art of the Deal. Okay, maybe that last one wouldn't have been cute at all.

The Review!
So far, not bad! But then this is kind of a one shot which avoids a lot of Lobdell's really weak spots. Like how he changes how one issue ended in the first few pages of the next issue. Or how he'll introduce a completely random plot thread to never follow up on. Or how he'll discard a premise he's been working on for a few issues to go in a different direction only to return to the original premise a few issues later without any compelling reason why. So this issue sets up the premise that Jason Todd is starring in his version of Grayson because that was super successful! I hope he remembers that's the premise by Issue #3! I'm sure Lobdell can pull it off as well as Seeley and Kind did! Although Lobdell isn't as funny as he thinks he is. Although that could be a description of me as well, so maybe I should just shut up already and say this comic book wasn't bad like I expected it to be.

Green Arrow #3

I predicted this is how Green Arrow would die.

The Review!
How did Benjamin Percy finally find a way to make a readable Green Arrow comic book? Especially when he seemed so intent on making the worst Green Arrow comic book? Okay, so maybe that was a bit hyperbolic. It's hard to write the worst Green Arrow comic book when Ann Nocenti wrote it for awhile. It's not like this book doesn't have some issues. But why would I concentrate on the problems when everybody is constantly concentrating on the minute, insignificant problems of everything always? Would I do that because I know people are used to me doing that?! No way! This is Rebirth! I'm way more positive now because the DC PR Machine has told me to be! Things are turning around! Things are getting better! Legacy characters and love are back! I guess. I don't know. I'm not a big picture kind of person! Maybe that's why I usually concentrate on the minute, insignificant problems that even pop up in comic books I like. Anyway, DC Comics is finally delivering a Green Arrow comic book that fits the character and is being handled adeptly and has even introduced a villainous organization that makes fucking sense. Although I'm still weary about this book because Benjamin Percy is the writer who wrote a number of Green Arrow stories during The New 52 to help remind everybody that racism was bad and that no white people can understand that until they've become a werewolf for a week or two.

The Commentary!
Recently, Green Arrow had lost all of his money and been declared dead¹. It seems like writers believe Oliver's money and standing are too much of a safety net so they find a way to remove them. Or maybe it's just too much of a hassle to have to deal with both halves of Ollie's life, although he normally just ignores the business half of his life so I don't think that's the problem. Maybe it's thematic but who has the time or intelligence to delve into themes?! I'm too busy trying to seem busy and too dumb to understand the different between theme and plot. I think it's the spelling!

Green Arrow is currently breaking into Queen Industries corporate headquarters because he knows the CFO² is somehow involved with the Moloid Slave Trade in Seattle. The best way to break into Queen Industries is to buy a ticket to ride up the Space Needle, evade all of the guards on the lookout for terrorists who would love to blow up the only recognizable landmark in Seattle, somehow get outside of the revolving restaurant to stand on top of the Space Needle, shoot an arrow with a rope to Queen Industries, and then laser through the glass! After that, it's just a matter of evading the guards until he finds whatever it is he's looking for! Or if he can't evade the guards, he can knock them out with the harshest, scariest sounding drug he could develop.

That assault rifle looks an awful lot like a flashlight!

Queen Industries has the craziest technology to keep the building safe. Probably because they need to protect stuff from the Green Arrow who keeps breaking into their offices for some reason.

Green Arrow eventually gets to the office of his CFO³ where he runs into demon-faced demons with flame throwers and untied boots⁴. I hope Green Arrow has some Exorcism Arrows or else he's in trouble! I mean, he's already in trouble and will probably be in even bigger trouble even if he has Exorcism Arrows because how many can he shoot before ten flamethrowers turn him to ashes? Maybe he'll do a back flip over the flames or something!

Meanwhile in Italy, John Diggle is diggling things up! That's his new catchphrase, probably. "I'm here to Diggle you up!" He can use it when killing somebody and when fucking somebody! I'm giving that one to Benjamin Percy for free because he seems to be having trouble finding a good voice for Diggle. I think it's because Percy's White Guilt can't allow him to presume to speak for an African-American character. At least I think Diggle is African-American. He just looks like a bald white man looking for a disco in this comic book.

Diggle is searching for The Ninth Circle to avenge the death of his Fremesis, Green Arrow. He's followed some leads to find the guy who can lead him to The Ninth Circle, a guy named Virgil. Okay, Percy. I fucking get it. You read The Inferno and you decided you would cheapen the entire thing by using it as a motif in your lousy comic book! Why does everybody love to reference the Inferno part of The Divine Comedy but nobody ever bases their criminal organizations or names their superheroes after Purgatorio or Paradiso! Maybe that's Dante's fault for making those parts so boring. Perhaps if he'd put more people head down in burning shit in the latter two parts, more people would remember them.

Before Diggle can have a proper conversation with Virgil about The Ninth Circle, the scene shifts back to Green Arrow who is already battling the demons in the foyer of the office of his CFO⁵. Since he has yet to be burned to ashes, I'm going to assume he did a back flip to get out of the elevator. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Oh wait! Apparently the conversation between Diggle and Virgil takes place in the text overlying the visuals of Green Arrow battling the demons. I probably should have read a bit of the page after turning to it instead of just jumping right back into my commentary so that I could call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Not that any of this was any kind of a mistake! Just call it youthful enthusiasm! Or immature enthusiasm since the "youthful" is long fucking gone.

Oliver should do this with Boxing Glove Arrows and then punch three guys at once!

Diggle learns from Virgil that The Ninth Circle is a bank! Of course it is! Benjamin Percy, you sly devil! I knew you had a message hidden behind the demons, masks, and lousy Inferno references! I knew you were still fighting the social justice fight! Fuck the banks! Fuck them right in their ATMs!

But seriously! This is a good idea not just on a "The Man is the biggest bad guy of all!" level. Because Percy grows this idea out of that question that all good and loyal comic book readers ask on a near constant basis: if super villains have the kinds of funds available to them to build death stars and power draining ray guns, why the fuck do they need to rob banks?! Apparently to pay back the loans they took out from The Ninth Circle to fund their technology and research! And who better to run an evil bank than the CFO⁶ of Queen Industries!

Percy sets up this scenario to make it seem like The Ninth Circle is the most powerful behind-the-scenes organization in supervillaindom. But I know of a business that probably makes even more money than they or the Court of Owls make!

Supervillain Mask Makers!

Broderick doesn't actually run The Ninth Circle. He's just a board member! That's good because Broderick would be a boring choice for leader of The Ninth Circle. The only superpower he has is knowing how to use a slide rule.

Before Green Arrow can kill Broderick, Shado arrives to rekill Green Arrow. Emiko is probably going to be in serious trouble after this battle. The battle is taken through the window and outside the office because Green Arrow blows up the office. Only he and Shado make it out before the explosion. Broderick may or may not have lived. It doesn't really matter since he wasn't the CEO⁷ of The Ninth Circle.

While reading this comic book, did you also find yourself wondering, "Where are Black Canary's gams?!" Well, they eventually show up roughing up the dock worker on Green Arrow's payroll so that she can stowaway with the Moloids' kidnapping victims. That means she'll soon be on the most ostentatious ship ever sailed into the Puget Sound! And that's pretty ostentatious because Bill Gates lives up there. I think.

I guess Broderick did survive. And if this guy's the leader of the Ninth Circle, I'm not any more impressed than if it had been Broderick. But I'm even more impressed by whoever makes their masks!

While trying to escape from Shado, Green Arrow winds up arrested by the police for bombing Queen Industries. Can't he just reveal his identity and be all, "I own that place! I can bomb it if I want to!"?

The CEO⁸ of the Ninth Circle decides to declare Shado his enemy because he's an idiot. So now Shado can just go join up with Green Arrow and help destroy the Ninth Circle. She used to be honor-bound to serve them but now she has no loyalty to them at all. Even though Emiko is still honor-bound to them, I think that just gives Shado added incentive to destroy them. Emiko, trying to keep everybody calm so she can eventually help destroy the Ninth Circle from the inside, points out that they can trap Green Arrow because they have her and Black Canary as bait. They don't have Black Canary yet! But she's on the way to their crazy big ship that nobody seems to notice. I guess because fog or something?

_____________________________________________________
¹Again!
²I don't know what that stands for! Crazy For Oral?
³I don't know what that stands for! Cozily Fondling Orphans?
⁴I guess flaming demon fingers make it hard to tie your shoes.
⁵I don't know what that stands for! Cockblocking Foreign Oligarchs?
⁶I don't know what that stands for! Cheap Fucking Organizer?
⁷I don't know what that stands for! Cookies Equal Oreos?
⁸Fine! I admit it! I actually know what this stands for! Chief Evil Officer!

Aquaman #3

Who the hell is this? Black Womanta?!

The Review!
Black Manta is still relevant to this story which is a shame. I liked how it ended between him and Aquaman in Issue #2. I thought Dan Abnett was just getting the Black Manta shit out of the way and putting it up in the attic until somebody with a serious lack of imagination began writing this comic book. But I think Black Manta either became part of the B Plot, or N.E.M.O. is working with the Deluge to fuck up Atlantis's relationship with the surface world. It's probably all part of the same attack to discredit Aquaman and to have more conservative thinking Atlanteans take control of Atlantis. They'll close the borders and probably start destroying every ship sailing on every ocean. At least if that happens, Aquaman will no longer be a laughingstock. He'll simply be hated and despised by everybody! I think that's a step up, right?

The Commentary!
Aquaman finally dealt with Black Manta in a way that eventually won't fucking matter anyway because they're mortal enemies! Right now, Black Manta may have calmed down because Aquaman showed himself to be the bigger man. But eventually, he's going to sit and stew in his resentment and anger until his head is ready to explode! Then he'll put on his stupid fucking helmet and get back on his Aquaman killing hobbyhorse. It might actually happen even sooner because Black Manta never made it to prison last issue. Plus he's on the cover this issue. Unless that's Black Womanta on the cover. I can't tell and I guess it's really none of my business anyway! It's not like I'm trying to fuck him! Or her!

This issue is called "Capitol Crimes" which is completely confusing. Is it a pun that I don't understand? Perhaps Black Manta is going to attack Congress? I assume the enemy of this story will still be Black Manta because I saw the cover and because this is Part Three of "The Drowning". I don't think embassies are included in the definition of a capitol building, are they? If so, that would totally make sense and everybody is probably calling me a piece of shit dumbass right now! Also they might be calling me that because I'm just too stupid to understand why this story is called "Capitol Crimes"! Maybe it'll make sense when I read it!

Currently Commander Murk and the other Atlanteans have been locked out of Spindrift Station. I guess their diplomatic immunity doesn't allow them access to sites of terrorist attacks, even if that site is officially Atlantean territory.

You know what I'm realizing? I probably shouldn't have skipped every day in Civics in 12th Grade except for the day my teacher showed Soylent Green!

I dare any one of these soldiers to snicker at Aquaman now! I mean, they have good reason! Look at that stupid orange and green suit! Did he get fashion advice from a Clown Fish?!

Mera feels the same way about Aquaman's outfit. You can tell because she called her Aquawoman costume "humiliating". But even after telling her fiance that he looks foolish, she still expects him to fuck her! Who does she think she is? Some gorgeous mermaid who can probably manipulate the water molecules in the prostate to make a man come like he's never come before? Oh, right! That is who she is!

Aquaman plans on taking a trip to Washington, DC, with Mera so they can get their embassy back online. But the woman who kidnapped Black Manta has other plans! I bet one of those plans is revealing that her name is Black Womanta!

Black Jack?! So not clever!

Black Jack wants Black Manta to work for N.E.M.O. It must stand for Now Employing Murderers Only! Or maybe something about underwater work. Black Jack wants to hire Black Manta to kick ass. During the interview, she even lets him kill two of her current employees. That's poor negotiating tactics because now she just needs him more! Black Jack mentions that Black Manta is wasting his life and he's all, "Dammit! That's what Aquaman said too!" Then he pouts and considers working for N.E.M.O. The only thing he knows so far is that they hate Atlantis, their name is an acronym without any meaning, and Black Jack isn't the boss. I hope it isn't The Scavenger! He's a worse Aquaman villain than Aquaman is a hero!

In Washington, Aquaman finds everybody takes him seriously. That's a new one! I suppose everybody knows he's a king and you don't fuck around when a king comes to visit even if he has a reputation for porking dolphins. Plus Mera is with him and she's almost a queen and everybody loves a visit from a queen! But the government doesn't really feel like getting the embassy back up and running. So Aquaman mentions the Justice League. He makes it seem like he's giving a reference but I think it's an understated threat!

During the meeting, The Deluge attacks an American battleship. And since American foreign diplomacy amounts to "some jerk from a country attacked the US so that means all the people from that country must be jerks," Aquaman and Mera are accused of being complicit in the attack. So they arrest him while Mera gets ready to tear everybody apart by their inner water molecules. Aquaman tells her to relax because he's serious about keeping up good relations with the US, no matter how shitty the US treats him or his people.

I'd rather things went Mera's way!

Batman #3

Why was Batman hanging around inside a building on his motorcycle? Fucking dick.

The Commentary!
Hopefully David Finch convinced Tom King to write some scenes with women in them this month. It's like Tom King doesn't understand the importance of the male gaze in comic books drawn by David Finch! It's exclusively why people enjoy David Finch's art! Nobody thrills to David Finch's depiction of fish-mouthed men somehow skulking in the shadows of a fully lit room! Finch fans want half-naked women with belly buttons showing through their dresses! They want to see Finch infantilize women by drawing them to look like fourteen year old girls! Simply put: David Finch fans want The White Rabbit! Bring her back, Tom King, and forget trying to be hip and groovy by bringing in Kite-man! Unless of course, being Rebirth, you can bring in Kite-woman? Maybe she never plans enough time to get ready for the big heist and has to rush out in a towel! I bet David Finch is already whipping out his paint brush¹ for that story!

I know I usually lather up Tom King's erect phallus with enough of my own spit for a hundred DNA tests but I suddenly find my mouth as dry as a Republican wife's pussy as she listens to her husband, once again, misunderstand the tax code as I read the first few pages of this issue. How many times do I have to read an alternate version of the alley scene where Tommy and Mary were killed? How many hours per week does Batman spend in Crime Alley waiting to stop future competition from being created? I would understand the need for this scene if the family were composed of three women in towels and the mugger was another woman in a towel and maybe one of the towels was ripped off like Martha's pearls! That would be artful! But this? This is just rehashed hash! I've seen it before and I'll see it again because Batman can't fucking get over it. Why must I suffer because Batman won't go to therapy?!

It's also possible I should simply trust that Tom King is going somewhere spectacular with his alternate Crime Alley scene because he rarely disappoints! But that's intelligent person talk! I'm an internet reactionary who hops on Twitter at the first hint of a coherent thought to dismiss anything and everything! I don't have the strength of character to read something by a well-regarded artist and admit that the fault might not be in the writing but in my own understanding of it. Obviously my five minutes of reading something that took many more hours to construct is the correct opinion of the thing! How could it be any different?!

Batman calls for an ambulance to check out the family that was mugged and then gives them some Bat-advice.

I would also add "Don't let this mugger take away your love of walking down poorly lighted streets at night in a crime-ridden area of Gotham!"

Is that why Batman became Batman? Because villains are a cowardly lot and he likes to make them scared so they get the opportunity to fight the fear and become stronger?

The story about wanting to be part of the piss and smoke which opens this comic book is being told by the father of the family Batman saves. He just happens to have a son and a daughter who look an awful lot like Gotham and Gotham Girl. That probably isn't it though because what are the odds that Gotham was created in the same alley that Batman was created in? Oh, you know what? They're pretty good since this is a fabricated and contrived² story!

The person Gotham and Gotham Girl's parents are telling their story to is Matches Malone. They think he's with the FBI and not a gangster like he usually pretends to be! So they tell him all of their childrens' secrets, especially the one about how they were overseas and needed a shitload of money for some mysterious purpose that probably involved Dr. Jace. When they returned, Gotham and Gotham Girl suddenly appeared! And remember, Batman doesn't believe in coincidences³! At least not in certain situations. So I guess he sort of believes in them sometimes.

Before Matches Malone leaves Gotham and Gotham Girl's parents, he breaks down crying, falls on his knees, and hugs their mother, burying his face in her matronly bosom. Except he does it in the Batman way by saying, "You are nice people. You remind me of nice people I once knew. It is nice. And emotional. I must go now!"

Meanwhile, The Monster Men are Coming!

Leaving the Gotham Kids Estate, Batman is told by Alfred that a suicide bomber has blown up the middle of a bridge during rush hour. So Batman must be quickly off to the scene of the catastrophe!

Why is this even a thing that is needed? Who thought this was clever? Why are dumb things constantly turning up in my comic books? Oh wait. Haven't they always? Have I...outgrown comic books?!

I guess Matches Malone never gives anybody a lift in his car because what do you say when somebody asks, "Why is there a motorcycle in your car?"

Over at the explosion, Gotham tries to keep the bridge from collapsing by holding it underneath while Gotham Girl watches holding one small child. I guess her job is watching for signs of Batman. Although I don't know how he's going to help keep the bridge from collapsing. Throw a Batarang and shoot a Bat-grapple? Maybe inside of his Bat-cycle is a Bat-plane that sprays Bat-glue?

Turns out my speculation wasn't far from the truth. Except the Bat-plane arrives on its own and Batman shoots a number of Bat-grapples to secure the bridge to the Bat-plane. No Batarangs or Bat-glue⁴!

While Batman saves the bridge, Hugo Strange tells another story that's the antithesis of the story told by the parents of the Gotham Kids. The Gotham Parents' story was all about how the piss and smoke tastes good and enables a person to be better somehow. It isn't explained well in their story because being beaten down by the city you live in, pissed on and covered in the retching smell of smoke, doesn't make for an easy explanation as to how it helps improve a person. I guess it makes a person want to improve the city because maybe the piss and smoke isn't as good as it seems? But Hugo Strange's story about living in a city that's constantly falling and breaking down makes the populace feel like they're constantly falling and breaking down makes a lot more sense! Hugo says that to survive that kind of world, the residents of Gotham simply live in denial, or to embrace the horror of their city and join it. So what Hugo is saying is that Gotham City is existentialism? And he wants to bring--what?--faith to Gotham? Basically, his Monster Men are supposed to make people declare, "I am not Gotham!" That's because that fits in with the theme of people being Gotham, see?! Like Batman, Hugo Strange wants the people of Gotham to face their fear, be brave, and stand strong. He wants them to stop accepting the piss and smoke of Gotham and realize that they don't have to identify with the shithole. They can look at Gotham and say, "Fuck this shit. This shit should be better!"

I think I might be with Hugo Strange! Except I'm sure his plan involves killing thousands of people with his Monster Men while Amanda Waller signs his checks. Although how is Hugo's plan going to work when there's also an Army of Batmen at work in Gotham? Won't the Batmen Army just cancel out the Monster Men invasion while the Bat-family sits back and watches?

So what? Batman is just going to leave the Bat-plane like that until it runs out of fuel and everything collapses?

After Batman leaves to do research, another explosion takes place in the city. When the Gotham Kids arrive, they discover Hugo Strange waiting for them with Psycho Pirate. Great! Now they're going to discover why Batman really hates heroes with super powers! Because those powers are constantly being manipulated by villains and used against the populace they're supposed to protect! I hope Batman already has a plan to take down the Gotham Kids! Oh, who am I kidding? Of course he does!

The Review!
My mouth is a little bit wetter than it was at the beginning of this commentary, so I might be able to spit on King's dick a few times to get it lubed up for my butthole. I've never been too interested in Hugo Strange but this story seems to be the kind of thing he was made for. He's psychoanalyzing the city of Gotham for Amanda Waller in an effort to discover the proper therapy to cure it of its mania, depression, violent tendencies, and god complex. If that seems a bit too abstract, Hugo also gets to do the same thing to a hero named Gotham. That should make the allegory more palatable, I think. And while Hugo Strange might have the ability of manipulating people through therapy, he doesn't quite have the chops to simply mind-control some super kids. So getting him to manipulate Psycho Pirate to manipulate the Gotham Kids is a nice touch. Although isn't that how Psycho Pirate is always used? He's such a spineless coward without any emotions of his own! The Medusa Mask made him its slave and now he's just a quivering blank slate to be chalked upon by villains smarter and stronger willed than he is. So, you know, I'm still enjoying Batman! Ptui! _______________________________________________
¹Yes, that is indeed code for his penis.

²I don't mean contrived in a derogatory sense!

³According to Justice League Rebirth #1!

⁴At least not this time!

Green Lanterns #3

Congratulations! It only took you three issues to pull the oldest fucking trick in the book and have the heroes fight each other, Sam Humphries!

The Commentary!
I haven't read the comic book so my caption for the cover could be wrong. I know better than to trust the covers of comic books. They lie worse than my sister in Junior High¹. But in this case, I'm going to assume the cover isn't lying because Simon and Jessica are up against the Red Lanterns and they like to make people angry. So Jess and Si are probably going to be influenced by the Red Rage which will amplify all of their feelings of annoyance at the other and they'll wind up battling. Jessica will probably lose because she can't make light constructs and she doesn't have a gun.

I'm trying really, really hard not to rant about how much I ha...oh fuck it. Here I go!

Why the fuck do comic book writers insist on writing narration as if the main character is speaking directly to the reader? I bet you anything every one of these fucking writers who use this crutch think Catcher in the Rye is a fantastic novel. Well it isn't! It's terrible and awful and utter crap and only people who have never realized that they don't have to do everything everybody ever fucking told them to do would find Catcher in the Rye in any way inspiring or thought provoking! But I didn't begin this rant to shit all over J.D. Salinger (no matter how much J.D. deserves to be shat upon!)! I am completely pulled out of the story when the comic book characters decide to speak directly to me. Especially with the goddamned cutesy bullshit fuck garbage like "(Don't worry. I didn't do it.)" on this page! I'm not a fan of any Narration Boxes but I can at least stomach the ones where that mimic the old fashioned thought bubbles. I can understand bringing out the thoughts the character is having in the moment. But this fucking tripe that sounds like an actor giving the DVD Commentary on every scene? It makes my fucking dick ache. Sam Humphries owes me for anti-dick-ache medication!

Now that I'm done ranting for the moment, what is up with that list of names on the cover? Holy fuck, how many people does it take to create a mediocre comic book?! Apparently, at the last minute, some of these artists were told they were responsible for pages they were never prepared to draw!

This is proof of my previous statement! I fucking can draw cats better than this! And I stopped hiding proportion mistakes by hiding the ankles and feet behind other objects in 9th grade art thanks to Mr. Sanchez!

The last page of the first issue made it look like Atrocitus was fucking the Earth and after the revelations in this panel, I see why! He really is fucking the Earth with the Hell Tower² to plant his Rage Seed in Mother Earth's Core³. And I guess nine months later, Deathstork will deliver a rage baby who will destroy the Earth.

Atrocitus commands Bleez to stop the Green Lanterns before they can interrupt his sexing up of Mother Earth. He tells Bleez she is the best but really he just likes watching her fly away from him. Because she wears a thong and her butt is exposed! Plus the only other Red Lantern he brought with him to Earth is Dex-Starr and Dex-Starr is fucking useless. All a Green Lantern has to do is shine a green light on the wall and Dex flips the fuck out for ten minutes before totally losing his mind, flying from the room, and finding a quiet place to lick his ass for the rest of the evening.

Simon and Jessica arrive in St. Louis to battle Bleez but decide to bicker first.

How the fuck does the artist, inker, colorist, and editor have no idea about the comic book they're working on? Simon Baz's gun is real, you idiots!

Bleez arrives to show Jessica how to make simple constructs with her red ring. She learned that trick from Rankorr! Maybe Jessica will learn from watching Bleez. If Jess didn't die when Bleez attacked because she's currently trapped under some rubble.

After Simon is thrown against a building with his teddy bear, Jessica climbs out of the rubble to take her turn. But first she has to remind all of the readers that she suffers from crippling anxiety. She has to mention it in a Narration Box because you'd never guess from the way she acts in the comic books. Jess also gets thrown into a building because she's terrible at Green Lanterning. I suppose it was Volthoom doing all the work previously.

This made me chuckle. This is an acceptable Narration Box.

Simon begins to be taken over by the rage so I guess he and Jessica will fight it out soon. I bet Jessica gets the upper hand so that Simon has to grudgingly give her his respect.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, the Bohemian Guardian has arrived to reveal what's in the box⁴. I hope it's the fabled Magenta Ring! But he'll only reveal it to the Green Lantern of Earth, so I guess the revelation of the box's contents will have to wait another issue or two since Si and Jess are busy.

Simon Baz resists the rage deep in his heart and instead decides to do that healing thing he did once before. That thing that no other Green Lantern has ever managed to do! That thing that set Simon apart from every other Earth Lantern ever created! That thing that I thought everybody completely forgot about when everybody forgot about Simon! Simon Baz decides to heal Bleez! And it works! She's transformed back into her pre-Red Lantern self! She even has her original wings! But she also retains all the memories of the horrible shit she did as a Red Lantern, which I guess is just too much for her.

Where did her little head wings go?!

Simon convinces Bleez not to kill herself and to maybe go out for pizza later. But first she tells him all about Atrocitus's Hell Tower² and how it needs to be destroyed. That's when Jessica returns and doesn't notice that Bleez looks different and that Simon has an erection.

Jessica's attack causes Bleez to return to Red Lantern status. Or maybe Simon's healing efforts simply wore off. Or maybe something really dirty happened that involves lady parts and lady fingers and little lady deaths! It's hard to tell for sure because I've already convinced myself that Bleez rubbed one out while Jessica was thinking up hilarious battle quips.

After returning to Red Lantern status, Bleez flees from the battle to hide from the Green Lanterns and from Atrocitus because she gave away his plan. So I guess no pizza then?

Simon and Jessica head back to the Hell Tower² to destroy it. But once they get there, Jessica is infected by the rage and attacks Simon. So the cover wasn't a lie! It was actually a spoiler for the last page! The battle won't take place until next issue!

The Review!
Okay, okay! Aside from the initial Narration Boxes that really just work as introductions to the story so far (but--I still maintain--do not work as a logical narrative device!), I enjoyed this comic book. A good portion of the Narration Boxes used later work as thought bubbles, so they didn't completely bug the shit out of me. And I really appreciated that Simon Baz's healing power has been brought back into the story. With so many Earth Green Lanterns, they all really need a little something that sets them apart. Hal is the fly by the seat of his pants test pilot leader! John Stewart is the architect of always having to sacrifice somebody! Simon Baz is the uplifting healer! Kyle Rayner is the guy who can think up really cool light constructs! Jessica Cruz is the Green Lantern that was evil and is now anxious! And Guy Gardner is the Green Lantern with a huge cock! See? They're all special in their own way! I just hope the Red Lanterns fuck off after this initial story and Sam Humphries imagines up some of his own cosmic conflicts rather than using Geoff Johns' fucking scraps. Except for Dex-Starr! Maybe Simon can heal Dex-Starr and get him a Green Lantern ring! Or a Blue Lantern ring! Who wouldn't want a cat sidekick that gives the heroes hope? I'm all in for that plot twist! _________________________________________________
¹She lied a lot!
²Atrocitus's nickname for his penis.
³The core is the geographically correct name for the Earth's womb.
⁴You probably already made your own Se7en joke so fuck if I'm going to look like a hack and repeat it.

Justice League #1

Who can even stand against this team? Two Green Lanterns! A god! A Kryptonian! A speedster! A shapechanging computer! The Jeezly-Crow Batman! And a wet guy!

The Commentary!
The issue begins with a splash page of Wonder Woman that Greg Rucka wouldn't approve of because her underwear is showing. It's mostly a waste of space but I'm pretty sure it's in Tony S. Daniel's contract that he get to draw at least one large picture of a female in every comic book he works on. Wonder Woman is riding the Bolt of Zeus through the sky to remind everybody that it's her new weapon. I think she got it in Bryan Hitch's JLA comic book which never had a conclusion and probably never will because at this point, who the fuck cares? It wasn't even as great as all of the other comic book reviewers thought it was! Even if I thought it was good (which I don't think I did!), I was wrong if I did indeed do. Or whatever.

Anyway, I guess Bryan Hitch didn't like the idea that Wonder Woman could fly on her own or that she had an invisible jet. He needed her to fly around on the awesome weapon he created for her. I think that means Bryan Hitch isn't actually writing the character of Wonder Woman in this comic book. He's just writing the Bolt of Zeus.

On the second and third page (which is all just one gigantic image because Tony S. Daniel), Wonder Woman strikes the ground with the Bolt, blowing up tanks and soldiers all around her.

Who thought allowing Bryan Hitch to write a Tony S. Daniel drawn comic book was a good idea?! Bryan Hitch is a lazy writer and Tony S. Daniel loves to draw double splash pages. You know what that equation adds up to? Less motherfucking story, motherfuckers! But as long as Tony S. Daniel fans get to look at majestic two-page spreads full of action, I suppose everybody¹ is happy! On the upside, the two pages of image are only marred by one tiny Narration Box because the only work Bryan Hitch plans on doing to earn his check is cashing it.

War is a half-naked woman riding a bolt of lightning out of the sky to scold you with barely comprehensible phrases!

Wonder Woman explains to the Russians that she has given them every opportunity to start believing the things she believes. But since they believe other things and those things involve tanks and bullets, she's decided to kick all of their asses. I don't want to get my ass kicked by Wonder Woman! I hope I believe everything she believes too!

I can't believe Wonder Woman's attack on the Russians was sanctioned by the Justice League. At least not without Batman pulling one of those moments where he quits rather than be a part of international disputes. This must just be part of her job as the God of War. Plus Tony S. Daniel wouldn't draw this comic book without at least seven full pages of Wonder Woman action.

While Wonder Woman is teaching the Russians what happens when they don't toe her line, the entire city is shaken and destroyed.

He must not understand English very well since "killed us all" includes him and he's not dead. "Dumb Russian! Learn proper English!" typed the person who only knows one language.

This issue is called "The Extinction Machines" and it's Part One of a series that will probably never end because Bryan Hitch never finished JLA and now I don't trust him to finish anything at all. Extinction sounds pretty bad! It's a good thing the Justice League has all of those great members on the team as well as Aquaman.

The disaster Wonder Woman just witnessed is happening all around the world with death tolls probably in the millions. I just wrote a short bit called "Stranger Things: What About Barb?" where I discussed the reasons for my distaste of epic disaster movies with which Hollywood seems to be so in love. The problem with them is that the audience roots for a small number of people to survive a disaster in which hundreds of thousands die. Why should I fucking care about the arbitrary story of a couple of good looking people when regular folks are dying in the background of every single scene? Why would I want to celebrate at the end of a two hour cinematic experience where I just watched thousands of people killed? What's there to be happy about that the handful of main stars survived the near apocalypse? And why the fuck do I give a shit about the Justice League if their help amounts to saving just a small percentage of people caught in the disaster?

Although after typing all of that, Simon and Jessica do a pretty fucking good job of keeping the people of Beijing safe. So I guess that's one city where the League did a great fucking job! Although should I really put give congratulations to the Justice League? This was more of a Green Lantern Corps save! If only there were more Green Lanterns on Earth, the world could breathe a sigh of relief!

Even if I decide to believe that the Justice League saves every life, as shown during Flash's bit in San Francisco where he doesn't let one person down, I still have a horrible, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about how much work is going to go into reconstruction! Even Atlantis is falling apart since they don't have any heroes available to save them².

In Hong Kong, the residents steal the power from Simon and Jess's ring because Green Lantern Rings are the most unreliable gadgets in the universe. They're just so powerful that the enemy always has to remove their power. Although who cares if Jess's loses power since she can't even make constructs yet! What a waste!

Everywhere around the world, people have begun speaking in a red voice about being part of The Kindred and stealing the powers of the Justice League. Fuck. I knew Bryan Hitch wasn't here to do any writing! Can we stop having stories where the heroes have their powers stolen?! It's the weakest, least imaginative way to turn the tables on the Justice League and it's been extremely overused in the last five years alone.

Batman finally checks in from Gotham because he's got a bit of a situation that he doesn't recognize for some reason even though he and the team just recently battled Space Lice quite similar to this.

If only Batman had Freeze Breath!

While the Green Lanterns and The Flash get their powers stolen, Aquaman gets his words stolen because his powers are silly. Then Atlantis crumbles into a chasm at the bottom of the sea and Wonder Woman points out that The Kindred can't win because she has friends. Super friends³!

The Review!
It's hard to have a Justice League book without an otherworldly invaders threatening the lives of everybody on Earth. Even Geoff Johns can't get around that, what with his Darkseid's Invasion and his Crime Syndicate's Invasion and his Darkseid's Invasion II. And that's what Bryan Hitch is giving us with the new Rebirth Justice League. I thought maybe they would be battling the Watchmen in this book but I think that's been saved for whatever book Wally West is in, right? And who would give that huge of a continuity plot to Bryan Hitch and Tony S. Daniel to fuck up?! Does DC even believe this comic book will get past Issue #8?! I predict the story will bleaker and bleaker and then Bryan Hitch will walk away from it around Issue #5. I also predict Wonder Woman will have a shower scene in an issue or two. What I don't predict is that my interest will wax at all on this thing. It's just another standard alien invasion, Justice League members lose their powers, possible end of the world Justice League story. Haven't we seen every variation of this plot yet?
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¹By "everybody," I actually just mean Tony S. Daniel fans.

²Just Aquaman.

³Although some of them aren't as super as they used to be.