Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4

I knew it too! Master Comic Book Reader!

This is part two of the sexy story I was writing last time which was wholly original and super sexy. It was full of man parts interacting with lady parts and lady parts interacting with shower nozzles and lady parts being looked at by man parts (the eye parts!) and man parts being hinted about because they're far too gross or sexy to mention completely or to show erect if you want your book to become a movie which can be shown in a theater whose floors are only sticky due to spilled pop. At the conclusion of the first sexy part, Power Girl had just been overcome by Vartox the Puritron's Semen Eye Beams. They were all "SPLOOSH!" and Power Girl's breasts were all "STICKY!" and all the readers were all satisfied. But now the readers have had time to get unsatisfied which is also called horny in less respectable places of soft repute. So I must satisfy them once more with my sexy writing style!

Before I continue with my story, let's play a game! Plumber or Power Girl?!

If you guessed "plumber," you probably forgot which comic book I was "reviewing".

Power Girl and Vartox the Puritron were locked in a vicious battle of punching each other in the faces. I will not describe the battle in detail because this is not a story about kinky behavior. I will not have people who get turned on by violence getting turned on by reading my sexy story for people who get turned on by not-so-subtle innuendo about man rods and pool parties in panties. If you're into violent boners, you should probably be reading Batman. I'm pretty sure he's beating the teeth out of somebody right now in his Annual. You should put your pants on and go to your local comic book store to pick it up. But wear a long coat because nobody wants to see your raging bat boner if you are a guy or your slowly spreading love stain if you are a woman who probably forgot to put on her underwear and is wearing white Capri pants.

Harley Quinn joined the battle riding on the back of her Joker colored Battle Cat which could speak. I don't remember where it came from. Maybe it's Groovicus Mellow's Space Dong? If so, it's bigger than I suspected! And I was suspecting a pretty big Space Dong based on Groovicus Mellow's look by which I mean skin color unless even stereotypes that I would like to be typed with are bad and then I meant because he just sounds like the type of guy who would own a big Space Dong. And also it's probably a rescue because that's the cool way to get a Space Dong. You don't want to support greedy Space Dong Mills. Although I don't actually think Harley is riding Groovicus's Space Dong into battle at all. Obviously this is Harley's Space Pussy.

Vartox the Puritron began to choke Harley Quinn to death because he was exhausted by her eyeballs trying to look up his loin cloth. But then Harley's Space Pussy began to purr and Vartox was all, "Why am I so calm and happy now?! Only true monsters do not love Space Pussy! You can tell the character of a person by their love of Space Pussy! When a person sees a Space Pussy and is all, 'Argh! Get that awful thing away from me! It is so selfish and doesn't approve of me at all and it has hurt me feelings! I wish it were a Space Dong because they will love anything! They will even love things that have just beaten them with a miniature Spaceball Bat!', you know that person is not a person to be liked at all and is probably a big jerko!" Also in the background which I should probably describe so I could fill a few hundred pages like that Tolkien guy, some mushrooms were growing and looking like stumpy penises which means normal sized.

Harley Quinn's Space Pussy convinced Vartrox to stop being a Puritron because it was so soothing to look at and to listen to as well if you're into that sort of thing. So Vartox was all, "Hey! I am myself again. Let us shagadelic, baby!" And then somebody probably said "That's what he said!" because Michael Scott was quoting Austin Powers but now everybody is just quoting Michael Scott. "That's what he said," everybody probably just said.

If anybody was wondering where Harley Quinn got her Space Pussy, I have decided, of my own free will and from my own imagination, to come up with Harley's Space Pussy's Origin Story.

And then the giant Space Pussy licked itself.

Vartox the No Longer Puritron grabbed up Power Girl in his arms and kissed her which gave him the feelings inside that one gets when one kisses a person whom a person wants to kiss. Good feelings, probably, since I see people kissing all over the place and it seems like they like it. Sometimes it seems like they really like it if they are wearing jogging pants or white Capri pants! Usually when I see people kissing at the mall, I think of saying something super witty like "Get a room!" but then forget to say it because some butt touching happens and then I just think "I hope they don't get a room at all and just do it right here in public!" It's about that time that I start to get really uncomfortable eating my hot dog on a stick.

Power Girl threw Vartox against a mountain because she still has Puritron feelings having been raised on Krypton where nobody ever put ding dongs in hoo-has because they had a really excellent Test Tube Baby program. Jor-el was the only Kryptonian that was curious about sticking his ding dong in a hoo-ha instead of in a test tube. And Lara was totally into giving it a go too because she was a total slut. I wish I would meet a total slut! Where does one go to meet one? The zoo? An arcade? The Hallmark Store?

Thanks to the magic of Harley Quinn's Space Pussy, Vartox was once again his normal self and the fighting stopped for all time. At least between the the heroes of the story! More fighting will take place later against Oreo the Buzzkill.

If Earth is where all of the sluts are, how come I can't find any?!

Oreo the Buzzkill attacked with his army of Sex Nuns. Not that they're nuns that like to have sex but they're nuns who think the number of sexual partners a person should have is none. It's a pun or something. Whatever it is, it isn't very erotic at all! I thought this story was supposed to be full of sentences that make your stomach feel like you have diarrhea but in a good way. I guess I'll have to pad it with some of those moments so everybody gets their money's worth (even if no money was spent to get this worth).

The explosion exploded Harley Quinn across the barren landscape that was not completely barren due to all of the penis-shaped mushrooms growing in the background. As Harley flew through the air, her thong underwear that she had put on backwards disappeared for mysterious reasons that probably won't be explained later since that part doesn't matter. The part that matters is that her lady parts were now flapping and flopping all over the place. Unless lady parts do something else when exposed to the air. Perhaps expand and throb? If you've seen lady parts before in real life, just picture them doing whatever they were doing that time you saw them. Also if you are the type of lady who isn't turned on by lady parts, just wait until the next sentence! Harley thought she was dead for sure but she was caught in the arms of Vartox whose loin cloth had fallen to the side exposing his penis which looked like a mushroom. But it looked like a huge mushroom that had veins in it and was probably throbbing too. It was either circumcised or uncircumcised depending on which one you find more attractive although since it was erect, it probably didn't matter. It was the exact right size to not be intimidating at all and looked like the kind of thing you would want to put in your mouth, like a Popsicle or a retainer. It was super hot to look at especially since it was now so close to Harley's exposed lady parts which were probably dripping or erect or whatever they do when they're in proximity to a penis. The readers probably had to take a break now to go masturbate because this scene was so exciting.

But then Oreo the Buzzkill turned his gaze on the naked flesh of his enemies and was perturbed! Wait a second. Let me check the dictionary. Yes, yes. He was perturbed verily much!

So the whole world conquering thing was due to having a small penis? Now we all know what Mongul's Dong looks like! What's the smallest mushroom? That's what it looks like!

Power Girl defeats Oreo the Buzzkill while he's distracted by Vartox's Massive Space Dong (not the pet kind of Space Dong this time but actually his penis). But that's not the end of the story! The end of the story will only take place after Power Girl and Harley Quinn defeat Oreo's boss: The Harvester of Sorrow! I bet he was cheated of his youth. I bet somebody turned some lie to truth.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4 Rating: +2 Ranking or something, I guess. I mean, this comic book is fun and enjoyable but it shouldn't be read by anybody because it is full of sexy things which Americans are not allowed to read. They are sinful and inappropriately fun. As an American, I know I should not be reading this at all. It is my duty to be dour and to tsk tsk anybody that thinks about sex in any way other than for making a baby. When an American has sex, he or she should only be thinking about babies the entire time. Men's sex talk should be things like, "I am going to put my penis inside your vagina in the hopes that I can shoot enough sperm into you so that one of them will swim up your lady parts that I don't know the name of because I never had a proper sex education class and the sperm will fertilize your egg which will immediately become a living being loved by all strangers (at least until it is born and then forget about it)." Then the woman should say, "Oh yes, yes. Make a baby inside of me! But be careful that I do not orgasm because women should not be enjoying sex at all. That is the man's prerogative!" Then nine months later everybody can enjoy the baby until they are shot in a random act of violence that can not be stopped so why even try. America!

The New Teen Titans #39 (January 1988)

You can throw a naked chick on the cover of a comic book if you hint that it's some kind of religious baptism.

The Titans take some time off so Raven can learn that she should stop trying to fuck Dick. Jericho and Adeline stop an armed robbery at an art gallery but that wasn’t enough to make the Teen Titans heroic this issue. What was enough to make this a great issue where the Teen Titans proved they were worth reading was Starfire being naked for the majority of it.

Number of Issues In Which The Teen Titans Act Heroically Or Strut About Naked: 4 out of 39.

Justice League 3001 #4

Oh look. Another comic book I can read because I haven't been shot by some nut with a gun. Lucky me.

I'm not anti-owning guns. But all gun owners are fucking cowards. All of them. You want to continue to be able to own a gun legally in this country? Take some fucking responsibility for every person killed with a gun. Apparently you think the amount of American lives taken by guns is worth owning your gun or else you'd participate in finding an actual solution to this problem instead of grasping tighter and tighter to your precious weapon. What we need is second and third tier punishments for gun crimes. If you believe your gun will never be used to commit murder because you're so fucking responsible with it then you should agree to punishments that extend beyond the shooter. If the gun is used in an accidental shooting death, you get manslaughter. If the gun was stolen, the previous owner of the gun should be charged as an accessory to the crime. If the gun was legally purchased, the seller should be levied with a hefty fine or, if sold outside the letter of the law, charged as an accessory to the murder as well. Go ahead. Keep your fucking guns so you can feel safe. But don't for a second believe that part of the cost of your gun isn't, every day, being paid in somebody else's blood. Live your life of paranoia and mistrust, only feeling safe and comfortable because you can shoot the fuck out of the boogeyman you just know is eventually going to come crashing through your living room window. Owning a gun isn't about freedom. It's about locking the cage from the inside because you're terrified of everything out of your control.

My favorite part about the current state of Second Amendment Supporter debate is that it's all about crying about how quickly people complain about guns when a mass shooting happens. So their argument is that people should just fucking accept that guns are everywhere and one day one of them will, once again, eventually be used to kill a bunch of people? Just shut up and take it? Are only brain dead people on the side of the NRA because I haven't seen a debate tactic this bad since my seventh grade debate team tried to argue that cheerleading causes teen pregnancy. Although we did have a lot of pregnant cheerleaders that year.

Only when a mass shooting takes place where the shooter is using a bow and arrows will the mantra "guns don't kill people; people kill people" be an acceptable argument. Until then, guns kills people. When a lot of people die, it's because of a gun.

Anyway, I'm going to read a comic book now. If you're a gun owner, you're probably not reading this sentence. Although if you have stuck around, you probably understood my point without being personally insulted by my comments. Because they aren't personal. But something needs to be done and I think that something needs to come from gun owners. Either you're going to have to find a solution or you're going to have to give up your gun. I suppose you can also just continue to feel happy and safe with your gun and your delusional beliefs that these tragedies only happen because evil exists in the world and because the victims were too dumb to not shoot the killer first. I suppose that's a justifiable way to continue living too. I suppose.

This issue is just a story told by an idiot full of comic book shenanigans. Teri is the idiot. Her shenanigans are supposedly just a training exercise.

I hope The Joker still exists in 3001!

Teri has been sent by Lois Lane in her Ariel disguise to run around the frozen planet of Nirvana until she freezes to death. Teri doesn't know she's supposed to freeze to death though. She thinks she's helping locate some mysterious signal. Teri doesn't freeze to death nor find a mysterious signal. But she does find Mirror Master 3001! This meeting allows Giffen and DeMatteis to write a "I knew Barry Allen and you're no Barry Allen!" joke which maybe 10% of the people reading this comic book probably remember from the vice presidential debates in 1988. Giffen and DeMatteis love their recycled old jokes!

Mirror Master has come to Nirvana to retire and try to figure out life in the 31st Century. So I guess he's the original who probably lived in a mirror and didn't age for 1000 years. But since he's not into petty theft anymore, he winds up in a buddy comedy with The Flash (Teri Version).

The Flash's suggestion is, of course, to run.

Mirror Master disappears into a reflective surface of polished ice and The Flash is mauled by Piranha Bears. But she survives to never tell anybody about her meeting with The Mirror Master until telling her story to a drunk and passed out Diana now. The final revelation is made when Teri tries to drag Diana out of the bar and back to headquarters.

Of course Diana and Etta were lovers! I guess that revelation isn't as revealing as I made it out to be by calling it a "revelation" as opposed to "confirmation of previously acknowledged suppositions."

Justice League 3001 #4 Rating: No change. DC Comics should really consider more comic books like Justice League 3001. I don't mean more comics by old writers recycling the same old jokes they've been writing across their entire careers. No, I mean more comic books that take place in their own special DC Universe. In fact, DC Comics should color code the comic books depending on which DC Universe they take place in. Forget having a special label for the 52 different universes. Just let certain stories take place in certain universes without having to write an entire sourcebook on every universe. The comic books should be color coded by the DC Comics Logo on the front cover. So Gods and Monsters currently have a Gold Logo, so any story that takes place in that universe should have a Gold Logo on the cover. Any story that takes place in the universe with the Crayola Time Lords should have a Magenta Logo on the cover. Comics taking place in the Justice League 3001 universe should have an Argyle Logo. Comics taking place in the DC Youniverse should have a Hot Pink Logo while comics in The New 52 Universe should retain the regular Blue Logo. And finally, comic books taking place in Eddie Berganza's Universe should have a Turd Logo. It would make sense! Then people who are only interested in certain characters from certain universes could readily tell which comic books to pick up!

We Are Robin #4

"Dear Diary. Where the fridge did all of these Garsh-Danged Robins come from?!"

I thought the Gotham skyline was crowded with Bat-family members before. Now the entire thing is awash in Robins! Fat Robins! Gray Robins! Sexually non-threatening Robins! Cool Ro...no wait. Those don't exist yet. Anyway, there are a shitboat of Robins!

I'm thinking about upgrading from a Tracphone Burner to an iPhone 6s so that I have something to talk about every commentary. Jesus Christ people with iPhones. There are other things in the world to Tweet about other then how much your phone is the best thing in the world (while occasionally throwing in seriously minor quibbles to show that you're not just a FanGender) and how Androids are Satan's erect phallus (that's supposed to be a bad thing for those of you thinking, "Oooh! Why don't I have one of those?!").

I've really been slacking on reading comic books this week. That's because I've been busy doing nothing and sometimes doing more nothing than that. I watched an existentialist horror movie last night called Don't Blink. It's all about how we're all going to die and be forgotten and there's nothing we can do to stop it so we should probably pray to God or write messages on the inside of the cabinets below the sink to prove to somebody that we were here or build magnificent statues in the sand proclaiming our great deeds or drink or play strip poker or also not drink if that's what we want to not do as well. Unless the point was that all of those things are just a waste of time? Maybe the point was that they're all equal because none of them matter when all is said and done (especially the eternity part of all). I spent most of the movie thinking, "Man. I forgot all about Brian Austin Green!" Occasionally I thought to myself, "That's the brother with angry face from Titus, right?" And then I'd think, "Oh yeah! That's the non-attractive attractive woman from Wilfred! I knew I recognized that weird butt, disappearing chin, and smidgen too large forehead!"

This issue is called "Role Model" because Batgirl is practically a model of shipping Rabbits and Voles.

I like when the title of the issue is given at the beginning of the issue so that I can think about how it relates to the theme of the story. I hate when it's given at the end like the title is some kind of surprise punctuation that's supposed to give me some kind of boner. Usually it's an angry boner.

Troy Walker, one of the few Robins whose name I could remember because I would just think about my first football crush Troy Aikman and I'd remember his name. I meant my sister's first football crush. Don't quote the "my first crush" part without also including the correction that it was my sister's first crush because that would be poor and misleading journalism. And you can't claim the integrity and dignity of your position as a journalist if you're goal is to make money and get eyeballs with misleading quotes rather than reporting, as closely as possible, the truth of a situation. In other words, if you want to be a journalist, don't be like any of them you see on television at all. Or any you read on the internet. Or any you read in a newspaper. They're all whores.

You can believe everything I say about the comics I read though because I'm not a whore. Now if anybody was willing to give me a lot of money to say nice things about their comic books (*ahem*ScottLobdell*ahem*), I will get new business cards which read "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Comic Book Reviewer Slash Whore!" on them. Try to remember that the "slash" means the punctuation mark and not that I'm into whoring it up with my penis touching other penises. Unless the money is good. Okay fine. Read the "Slash Whore" part any way you want!

The current news in Gotham proves the point that news agencies are terrible. If you have the nerve to point to comic book fiction as proof of the real world so you can say, "See? Argument valid!" Which I totally can do and will do all the time. What am I supposed to do? Actually read an issue of Time magazine to find proof of incompetence? I can just do a Google Image Search for covers of Time to prove that without having to even read any of their articles. Their covers are as clickbaity as Buzzfeed or Slade or Comic Book Resources.

Actual News: "A thing happened so we asked a bunch of random people their opinions on the thing and are now reporting all of the opinions as equal and valid! Enjoy being angry at some of them!"

Riko is one of the Robin's and she gets a little alone time this issue. First she's sitting in class talking to pretend Batgirl. Unless she's sitting in a vintage desk warehouse speaking with Batgirl because that is the weirdest fucking classroom I've ever seen. It's so strange that I can't articulate how strange it is. There's too much space and yet not enough space? The desks themselves are way too big and one kid in stripes is lying dead on his desk. Riko seems to think she's in Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band but I completely approve of her shoes and wish I had a pair just like them.

Men's size 10 or 10 1/2. Message me for mailing address.

Riko is currently reading Lord of the Flies which probably means something if I'd only bothered to read it. But I'm a Writer! Reading is for lazy people who want to think they're better than people who watch television but they're all the same thing! Writing is an active activity! Reading is passive and dumb! Unless you're reading comic books, I mean. Comic books are different for reasons too complex to explain to mere Readers like you.

Riko heads out to patrol because she agrees that reading is dumb and boring. Um, probably. She sees a fire and runs across the rooftops to yell at it. It's not like she has a belt full of Bat Paraphernalia for stopping fires. When she gets there, she finds a group of kids have set the fire in the hopes of luring a superhero so they can catch it on Periscope. See, they're like Readers and Riko is like a Writer. The Arson Kids want to impress other people but they don't want to take the time to do something impressive themselves. So instead they decide to live vicariously through Riko who's actually doing something exciting. Then the Arson Kids can impress everybody they know without having done anything except post a video of some other impressive person on their personal site. They're so boring!

Don't you dare try to turn my words back around on me and my comic book review site, you jerks! Because this site isn't about comic books at all! If you think that, you're thinking like a Reader! No wait! You're thinking like a Television Watcher!

Hey! Speaking of Television Watchers, who watched Heroes Reborn? My friend Xan and I watched it while texting each other and we have now decided that shows no longer Jump the Shark when they've run out of ideas. From now on, they Unsheathe the Katana. Holy shit I can't believe they're doing MMORPG commentary on the new Heroes! Also it's racist that the Japanese characters are the ones losing themselves in video games. I just hope the Boss Monster in Evernow is an octopus.

I feel like I can't complain about the part of this comic book I really want to complain about because I'll just wind up hurting my own feelings. Oh fuck it. Let's do this!

Now I can't even avoid Periscope when I don't even own a phone?! Fucking Lee Bermejo! Who actively uses the second tier function of Periscope? I get that people want to Periscope the things they're doing because God forbid anybody miss out on anything you're doing at any moment during the day. But who watches what you're doing while commenting on it?! Do they have no respect for their own lives? Do they have no dignity?! Who comments on other people's shit and then expects people to actively read the comments they're making (OW! OW! MY FEELINGS!)?! Because now that's a third tier use of Periscope! People who read the comments of the people watching the other person live their life! I can't help that I'm partly to blame for having enjoyed Beavis and Butthead and Mystery Science Theater 3000 and At the Movies so much.

My real problem with Commenting Culture is not that we, as a society, are entertained by people commenting on stuff but that most people who comment on things are complete morons that don't add anything insightful, humorous, or interesting to the experience. So now in We Are Robin, instead of reading Narration Boxes from the main character (which I already mostly dislike), I have to read a barrage of stupid fucking comments from a bunch of fictional idiots?!

Oh god. That last sentence of that last paragraph hurt my own feelings so badly that I almost began to cry!

I guess the loser sitting at home living vicariously through Periscopers at least get a little excitement in their lives this night because Riko isn't the only person in a costume to show up.

Personally, I don't like fighting girls. But wrestling with? Oh yeah!

After Batgirl puts the Arson Kids in their place, she and Riko have a little chat about choosing to be a superhero. I like how Batgirl isn't just a version of Batgirl making a guest appearance in this comic book. This is Batgirl straight out of the pages from her comic book where she recently chastised Frankie for trying to be too much of a superhero herself. Here she's realizing that she really didn't have the authority to make that decision for Frankie and she'll probably bring that revelation back to the pages of her own comic book. That's probably a reason to thank the editor of the Bat Books, Mark Doyle, right? Wrong! I never thank editors for anything! Jerkos! I bet they'd read those last few sentences and instead of feeling insulted, they'd just be all, "Jerks. It's jerks. Leave off the 'o' because it's just confusing." Jerkos! Jerkos! Jerkos!

See?! Batgirl's advice is to be the Writer and not the Reader!

We Are Robin #4 Rating: No change. This issue was about the Robins getting Batgirl's stamp of approval even though they still don't have Batman's. And instead of getting another insidious Alfred Going Crazy Epilogue, the book has a minor Who's Who of the Robins clan. That might help those people who aren't reading fifty comic books each month and can actually remember names. One other thing! Before you read this issue, you'd better read Lord of the Flies because it's mentioned and several images of Riko are paralleled with the book. It's probably the only way to really understand this issue although I don't know what it had to do with anything because from what I remember, Lord of the Flies was about all of the Universal Monsters being stranded on an island where they created a form of democratic government where only the person holding Frankenstein's head was allowed to speak. Although it was kind of bullshit since nobody could understand Wolfman, Creature from the Black Lagoon, or Mummy even when they had Frank's head. I think the book was constantly on the Banned Book List because of all the gay stuff that takes place a few weeks into being stranded on the island.

Grayson #12

Finally!

It's been one year since DC began publishing their best comic book and, somehow, they've yet to cancel it! Good job, DC Comics! And people say, often and quite loudly, how you can't do anything right! Well you hold your chin up high on this one! Just ignore all that shit people are throwing at you for cancelling The Omega Men and keeping Eddie Berganza on staff to ruin all of the Superman and Wonder Woman books. Don't let them ruin this minor and fleeting moment of feeling proud of yourself! You earned it!

Okay, that's enough. Don't get cocky. Go fix all the broken shit now. How about getting Batwoman back in monthly form with the Marguerites on writing and drawing? How is that not a thing that everybody on staff hasn't already snapped their fingers and yelled "Eureka!" about?

Page one. Page fucking one and my eyes are tearing up. Forget about Dick Grayson and how well Tom King and Tim Seeley get him, how well they write this kid. They're putting everybody whose written Alfred since The New 52 to shame in seven panels! Granted, Alfred has had some great moments thanks to Tomasi and Snyder. I'm not going to compare their efforts with what Tim and Tom have done right out of the gate here. Obviously this portrayal of Alfred is better though because it's more recent and affecting me right this moment!

I am literally figuratively standing up and applauding right now.

Before I continue with what will probably break my heart, let me give a quick review of Under the Red Hood! I'll get to Jason Todd's portrayal in a moment but first I want to say how impressed I was with the overall script. And not just the script but the animation as well. One of my favorite parts was when Nightwing first appears to help Batman take down Amazo. It's incredible how much character work was done just in the difference of the way Batman and Nightwing move around the battlefield. As for Jason Todd, this movie nails the character. This was the best version of Red Hood I've seen (of course, I've really only read Lobdell's versions of him so that isn't a shock). But not only is it easily the best I've seen, it's how I feel he should be portrayed. This movie allowed me to see the Jason Todd Jason Todd fans have deluded themselves into believing Lobdell's Jason Todd still is. How can anybody at DC not watch this movie and realize that Scott Lobdell doesn't know the character at all and is completely fucking up some really interesting and dark stories about this kid? I'd love a Red Hood book based on Under the Red Hood Jason Todd. Come on, DC Comics! I told you to stop gloating about Grayson surviving a full year. Fix Red Hood already before I start whipping batteries at you!

Dick and Bruce have an awkward conversation. It's hard having a conversation with someone you truly love who doesn't remember who you are. I remember speaking with my grandmother on the phone near the end of her life after her memory had really started to go. She'd occasionally ask, "Who am I talking to?" And in an effort to make sure I was not sad, or that I was okay, after being told who I was, she would remind me that she loved me very much. I don't know if she had any real connection to that love or just understood that she probably once loved me or, having a moment of clarity, she actually experienced that love. I suppose it made very little difference. Even at the end when she wasn't all there, she was the kindest, most giving, sweetest person I ever knew.

Dick simply wants to know if Bruce is happy. Bruce doesn't know if he's happy but he mentions to Dick how, at certain times when things are still and quiet, he feels joy. I bet all Bruce is going to feel when he gets his memory back is anger that nobody slapped him in the face and screamed, "You're Batman, asshole! Get to fucking work!" Especially after he sees how sales have dropped on Batman with Commissioner Gordon over there ruining the franchise!

Bruce seems to remember the bat crashing through the window and changing his entire life because he mentions that those moments of joy when he hears tapping at the window are nice "as long as the window holds." Somewhere inside his head, he seems to know that his peace and happiness will last only as long as he stays out from under the shadow of the bat. Man, I can't wait until he's miserable again!

Dick and Bruce's conversation is interrupted by a Spyral agent (probably Agent Zero Netz judging by her hair and red boots and crazy web-panel layouts) crashing through the window and shooting a tranquilizer dart into Bruce's neck.

Spyral wants Dick. Spyral doesn't want Dick. Spyral wants Dick. Spyral is like my first girlfriend.

After tea with Bruce, Dick heads out to let Jason Todd and Tim Drake know that he's still alive. Todd takes Dick how Todd takes everything: the hard way! Har har!

Dick takes Todd and Tim's abuse and accusations in stride because he plays the role of big brother well. He shouldered the responsibility of the lie he knew would hurt them because that's just the job of the big brother. He also brings gifts because that usually shuts up little brothers. He brings them Batman's original two batarangs. I bet they're actually Numbers Two and Three! I bet Maps has the original now!

Before Dick leaves, he tells Tim and Jason to "Break it" in his Cluemaster code. Does he mean the Batman Duplication Machine? Or the batarangs? Or the cycle of abusing young boys by sending them into dangerous situations?!

Next Dick has to go see Babs. He gives her a gift as well although it's not the one I was hoping he would give her (hint: it rhymes with his name. No wait. It's exactly his name). He also tells her to "Break it" in code. Probably the gift then. He must have left fortune cookie messages in the gifts.

Now kiss!

Finally, Dick goes to see Damian. I bet Damian kills him! Or else he'll be the most understanding! Maybe he'll do that thing kids do where he'll be all, "I totally knew you weren't dead. Duh! I wasn't fooled, you idiot."

Actually, I'd forgotten about Dick not knowing Damian was back! So they're both surprised to find the other alive and it's really sweet.

These two are the best together.

After Dick leaves, the others break open their gifts to find the fortune cookie messages inside directing them to do a few things for him. The others are tasked with breaking into Spyral's Hypnos system so that Dick has control over the Hypnos himself. He then communicates with them in that way that Jack Donaghy communicates with people on the phone and in person at the same time by making sure all of his responses work for both conversations. The others work the back-end while Dick talks with Agent Zero. Once her Hypnos are decrypted, she's revealed to be Luka Netz, Agent Zero. I guess she's simply the Reboot version of Kathy Kane since making it Kathy Kane might be a bit weird for continuity, no matter how non-continuity minded a person might be.

Grayson #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. This has been the best comic book DC publishes even with Dick Grayson alone and cut off from the Batfamily. And now he's back in contact with his family and doing the super-spy thing with their help instead of just Batman's? Jesus Christ, guys! Now you're just embarrassing the competition! It's like a kid's t-ball game that's gone out of control and nobody is stopping the winning team from running up the score. You've already KO'd your opponent and now you're taking a dump on their chest! Chill the fuck out! Do you want all of the other comic books to stop being bought?! Give them some hope! If I were Scott Snyder, I'd really start rethinking that whole thing with Commissioner Gordon being Batman right now. I'd be changing up my next script right now! Bruce Wayne would be back in the cowl immediately before nobody cares about Batman anymore and Grayson becomes DC's most iconic character! Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if it's inevitable at this point.

Sinestro #15

What a surprise. They've turned against each other!

Earlier in this series, Sinestro and Twat Lobo had a battle that wasn't really a battle. It was just a test by Sinestro to see if the most dangerous person in the universe was really the most dangerous person in the universe. Sinestro wasn't killed by Twat Lobo so Sinestro concluded everything being said about Twat Lobo was true. I didn't get it either but I think it had something to do with the Stan Lee Hypothesis. That's the one where if two characters of equal strength battle with each other, the battle must end in an unsatisfying tie so that nerds can continue to believe their favorite character is still the strongest which is what they believed when the story began and which is what they would have believed when the story ended even if their character lost, although they'd be pissed off and ready to write a letter. Stan Lee was a genius! Have you ever read the angry letters in comic books printed before the internet existed? My god! I would not have wanted to anger those fans either! Ties all around! No hero ever loses to another hero! They're all equally unable to finish a battle!

I guess the previous Sinestro versus Twat Lobo issue wasn't enough for the fans. They need serious resolution! So it seems they're going to have to fight again. And since Sinestro's name is on the cover of this comic book, he'll probably win (although that didn't stop Aquaman losing to Swamp Thing in Aquaman's comic book. Loser). And since Twat Lobo has regenerative powers, he'll probably be torn to pieces. That would be a satisfying resolution, right?

Since Twat Lobo failed to kill Indigo-1 last issue, he's moved on to an easier target.

Unless Saint Walker's head penis can say "Bueno," I think Saint Walker might be in serious trouble here.

Lucky for Saint Walker, Twat Lobo doesn't want him dead. Maybe all this time, unbeknownst to everybody, Saint Walker actually has the power to strengthen any ring so Sinestro wants him for the Sinestro Corps. Although probably not since it wouldn't make sense for Fear to strengthen Hope in the way that Will gives power to Hope. I guess it will work though because I'm sure some people sometimes say things like, "I hope I scare the shit out of my little sister!" See? Hope and fear working together!

Twat Lobo makes up another piece of The Code to justify what he wants to do once the inhabitants raise up arms against him to protect Saint Walker. The Code says, "Do not spare those who would piss you off even if they are desperate and thirsty." I totally agree, The Code! But Twat Lobo decides not to murder them all even though it would take three seconds since they're all weak and emaciated. Instead, he decides to scare them. And that, after all this time, finally earns him a yellow ring!

Great. Now he's a subordinate of the Void Whisper and Sinestro.

Twat Lobo cuts his finger off because he's The Main Twat! Nobody tells him what to do unless he wants them to tell him what to do because he's working an angle. Plus the Yellow Lantern uniform simply isn't his style.

Twat Lobo takes Saint Walker back to Sinestro. While he's visiting, Twat Lobo threatens Sinestro because Twat Lobo is sick of the yellow rings swarming him wherever he goes. Then he marches off to be propositioned by Lyssa.

Just a second. I have to check the cover. Hmm, it says Sinestro on the cover but it seems more like a Twat Lobo book. Sinestro has appeared for three pages in the first twelve. But I guess it's acceptable since Sinestro is doing the narration. Oh yeah! That's how I know it's not a Twat Lobo book! Because every page isn't filled with Twat Lobo Narration Boxes! In that way, this has become a better Twat Lobo comic than any in his own series! It's just too bad Sinestro is being overshadowed in his own title. Maybe that's why he's going to battle Twat Lobo again. Or it might be because Lyssa is throwing herself at Twat Lobo because who wouldn't? What a sexy, marvelous beast! I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to fuck the most dangerous, murderous, practically insane creature in the universe. Totally worth probably dying for, right? Although I'm sure the yellow rings can make vibrators so why risk it?

While Lyssa blows Twat Lobo in the Gender Neutral Bathroom, Sinestro propositions Saint Walker. Sinestro's Manhunters bring food and water to the populace of Arklu to show Saint Walker that he can put his hope and faith in the Sinestro Corps. He can hang out with them, charging their rings and healing them as they fly around the universe bringing order through fear. Seems like a good deal, right? There's just the small matter of serious and extreme experimentation that will have to be done on Saint Walker and his blue ring. Shouldn't be overly traumatic for a stitched together puppet man.

Sinestro #15 Rating: No change. The face-off on the cover wasn't as exciting as one would have thought. It was more just Twat Lobo making a toothless threat against Sinestro and then stomping out of the room to go fuck Lyssa. If I were Twat Lobo, I think I'd retire or find another job. He just doesn't seem happy with his current situation. At least Real Deal Lobo took joy in everything he did. He was fun to be around. Twat Lobo is a fucking buzzkill always bringing up The Code and how he has to follow The Code. He's always just...oops! This book was supposed to be about Sinestro. I should probably judge it on Sinestro's actions. Although now that Sinestro has Twat Lobo working for him, he doesn't really partake in too many actions. He's become the Grand Moff Tarkin of the Sinestro Corps. Of course he's also the Darth Vader of the Corps, so unless he's into autoerotic asphyxiation, he probably won't be choking himself. Oh! Autoerotic asphyxiation! That's what Saint Walker's head tentacle is for!

Harley Quinn #20

Yay! More location based humor from Connor and Palmiotti!

If you think things were wacky and funny when Harley Quinn was in New York, just wait until you see her in Los Angeles! I bet it's as wacky as Starfire living in Key West! This shit is about to get crazy! But first, let's learn some secrets about The X-Files!

Look at them! They're practically babies!

I found this TV Guide while digging around in the attic for the copy of our lease. Yeah, my organizational skills aren't great and now I have no proof of our original lease for the new property managing company that has taken over. Oh well! This TV Guide is more interesting. Let's see the twenty things everybody needed to know about The X-Files in 1996! Although the tidbits are from TV Guide so don't be too surprised if you fall asleep while learning them.

#1. "Mulder and Scully don't have a love life because they're too busy!" Okay, so I'm paraphrasing instead of quoting the entire thing but that's about the crux of it. And you thought it was because Mulder was addicted to porn and Scully was saving herself for marriage and/or an alien lover.

#2. "Mulder and Scully will never have a love life because fans don't want them fucking anybody but each other." That's true enough. One of the things I loved about the show was that it didn't force a romantic plot into the series. At least not until the series had already been fitted for an adult diaper and had been shitting itself on a regular basis.

#3. "Duchovny hopes for more scenes of Mulder playing basketball." Here's David's quote on the subject: "I don't see why we can't do something that plays to my strengths." Well, Dave, I guess you eventually got to show your strengths with Californication, didn't you?

#4. "Gillian Anderson has a beauty mark on her upper lip." Gillian's quote on why Carter insisted it be covered with make-up: "Chris felt that there wasn't enough room for it on my face." TV Guide used that quote straight while I'm pretty sure Gillian was being a smart ass. Because Gillian is the greatest human being on the face of the Earth.

#5. "Something about being skeptical or something." Most of these things everybody needs to know are apparently really fucking dumb. I kept the TV Guide for the pictures.

#6. "Mulder and Scully both prefer the Beatles over the Rolling Stones." Whew! I'm glad that's cleared up!

#7. "The X-Files theme has no words because it was written without having any words." It should have lyrics. "Aliens are coming now! Here they come to steal a cow! I think I saw some take my sis! We're almost at the part where we start to whistle."

#8. "If a TV is on in a scene, it is playing a sci-fi horror movie." Really, TV Guide? Every fan would already know that. Do you think amateur television watchers were fans of this show? Snort! I don't think so.

#9. "Sometimes there's subtext." That wasn't paraphrased. That's actually how #9 begins. "Sometimes there's subtext." Holy fuck, TV Guide! You really did your fucking homework on this, didn't you? Although the subtext they discuss is whether or not Scully and Mulder fucked in an elevator in the episode "Paper Clip". Jesus, Guide. Shipping subtext discussion? That's barely even worthy of Intro to The X-Files 101.

#10. "And sometimes there's no subtext." I would be dead right now after reading that if I owned a gun. I did point out at the beginning that this was going to be TV Guide level journalism!

#11. "Sometimes the show doesn't make it past the censors." Apparently Fox didn't want a character on the show who fucked corpses so the character became a death fetishist. But incest was okay! Kind of.

#12. "The episode names are purposefully inscrutable." Like I even knew what the episodes were called when I watched them airing for the first time anyway. I doubt I even realized episodes of television had names back when The X-Files first aired!

#13. "Gillian's worst experience was wrestling with a fake cat covered in rabbit fur." Suddenly I have an erection.

#14. "Duchovny finds maggots gross." The real story isn't that David finds them disgusting because that's just being a fairly typical person. The real story is why he finds them off-putting. It's because they're "so needy." That sounds about right.

#15. "Gillian never ate that cricket in that episode about freaks written by that guy who wrote the best episode of all time starring the master of everything Charles Nelson Reilly." The truth? She spit it out! Move over Woodward and Bernstein! Here comes TV Guide!

#16. "The best items Gillian and Duchovny received from fans." Okay, I'm going to just transcribe this entire one because it's quotes from Gillian and David, two of my favorite people on the planet (probably just under my mom's parents): "What kind of offerings do the starts receive from X-philes? A fan once sent Anderson a tape of a song he wrote called 'Oh Scully, When Will You Kiss Mulder?' 'It was this twangy hillbilly song,' Anderson says. 'It was fabulous.' Duchovny's most unusual gift? A sexually explicit jigsaw puzzle from a female admirer. 'I spent the whole afternoon working on it,' Duchovny says. 'It took me a long time to put it together.'" My god, they're both so droll. They say so much without saying so much! They're too smart for average fans!

#17. "Some famous people like the show." Famous fans include Stephen Spielberg and Tony Bennett. You would think they could have come up with a few more.

#18. "There will be a movie." Thanks, TV Guide! I was probably excited to hear about this when this came out.

#19. "Big named actors want to guest star in The X-Files but Carter won't cast them." Is that a slam against Charles Nelson Reilly because I won't stand for it!

#20. "Three things will never happen on The X-Files." Those three things are any paired relationship between Mulder, Scully, and Skinner. Probably because it would confuse everybody at every X-Files convention since somebody saying "Scinner" would just be confused for "Skinner" and "Skulder" and "Sculder" sound exactly alike.

I own one other TV Guide and it has the Tiny Toons on the cover. What surprised me most about the TV Guide is that people actually sent letters to them. But no editor took the time to answer them even though the letters seem to have mostly been written by idiots. I should just buy up as many TV Guides as I can find and answer the letters. Maybe I should just save that idea for a book!

One last thing. Here's almost certainly what I watched on the night of April 7th, 1996 on Channel 54 in San Francisco Bay Area: Blake's 7, Robotech, Robotech, Doctor Who.

Anyway, Harley Quinn has made her way back to Los Angeles. She didn't have much time for airport hilarity last time so she takes care of it in this issue.

Normally I'd say people demanding apologies are ruining the inherent idea of apologies as showing true remorse but here the lady did offer to give Harley one. She gets what she deserves: stuffed into a suitcase full of strawberry jam. Ha ha! Humiliated but not actually hurt. Good one, Harley.

Harley's mission is to save some girl named Sparrow from a cult. But the job was first offered to Deadshot who isn't happy to have been taken out of the loop without his hundred grand. He's got a point. He most likely lost other sources of income preparing for this job. Assassins and Mercenaries must be allowed the same rights other businesses have to protect their revenue stream. I always charge businesses who change the locks on their doors without alerting me prior to my scheduled floor cleaning visit!

Harley winds up at some naked guy's party and ends up in a fight with some home invaders. She winds up stealing a cop car and driving around with a guy dressed up like a cowboy named Cowboy. Look, it's Harley Quinn. If that all doesn't make enough sense, you should probably be reading Batman.

Mission accomplished!

I hope when Deadshot comes busting into the Motel, he makes a crack about that time Harley called her vagina a clown car!

After tying the girl up, Harley and Cowboy leave her in the motel room to go get something to eat. They pass by Grauman's Chinese Theatre so that Harley can interact with the actors in superhero costumes. She considers getting Batman and Superman to kiss, assaults the "Special Occasion" version of herself, and is propositioned by Wonder Woman. So you know, all the shit that's been written about already twelve dozen times in fanfiction.

Harley beats up a pink pussy while eating pink tacos. I think this might be one of those scenes with subtext. Unless it's one of those scenes without subtext. I don't think there are any other options.

After they eat, they head back to the motel where Deadshot arrives to shoot Cowboy in the chest which probably makes Harley's clown car flood.

Harley Quinn #20 Rating: No change. Does Harley Quinn's comic even need to be reviewed by anybody? Even if it maybe sucks sometimes or tends to be derivative of itself or is just a vehicle for commentary on comic book culture, it's still going to sell a ton of copies. I don't know what it would take for Harley to suddenly not be popular. Her fans are going to purchase anything she's in and I kind of get the feeling we're only going to see an uptick in her popularity when the Suicide Squad movie comes out. Although I think a lot of people are going to be confused when they realize comic book Deadshot looks more like Orange is the New Black's Pornstache than Will Smith. Maybe Deadshot will keep his mask on during this story to avoid confusion.