Catwoman #41

I don't understand this cover but it looks great.

Catwoman! She used to be a cat and a woman! But now she's a mafia person and a woman! I'm glad she's always a woman because meow! If she were Catman, she'd be gay. I mean bisexual. But she's not gay! She's, um, bisexual! Oh my God! Catwoman and Catman are the same person!

Why does DC Comics equate being bisexual with being a cat? Is that an Urban Dictionary thing I don't know about?

Let's play a game! Who is the correspondence in this issue going to be from?! It's got to be from a woman who was in power and it's got to be old enough to be hardly understandable even if it's in English (and you understand English which I'm assuming you do since it's the only language I sort of have a grasp of)! That probably means it'll be from Queen Elizabeth! I don't think any other women were allowed to be in power until 2060. And then she was only was allowed to be President of the World because she was half robot.

The issue begins with Catwoman running a scam on the Falcones. She switches the Falcones monthly offering to Black Mask with sequential bills so that Black Mask cannot spend the money. Although I don't see why not. I'm supposed to believe that police departments are competent enough to somehow track money back to the person who spent it just because the serial number is being tracked? I think that's a myth! I'm not going to buy into that myth anymore and neither should all you big drug runners and mafia types! I guarantee you won't be caught spending sequential bills! I stake my life on it! If any of you get into trouble, you have my permission to rot in jail while I laugh and enjoy my freedom.

Selina is still on a Lucretia Borgia kick so her correspondence is just the motto of Cesare Borgia: "Caeser or nothing." Actually she says it in Latin first but since comic book readers are unintelligent bores, she translates it for us. I mean for them. What it means is Catwoman is turning Gotham into a place where if you don't side with the Calabreses, you get nothing.

Selina runs into Oswald Cobblepot at the opera so Cobblepot might think "Caeser or nothing" means "Penguin or shallow grave." He's learning things through powerful old timey women too!

After the opera, Selina Kyle hears of Batman's death.

I guess she's sad that she'll never ever again be told how she's fucking up her life at every turn.

Eiko stops by to take advantage of Selina's grief. Or to comfort her. Tomato, tomato pronounced differently than the first tomato.

Alvarez and Keyes are still in this comic book. They've been assigned to investigate the murder of an ex-cop turned private investigator named Bill Turner. They see it as punishment for investigating their own trying to find out which cops are on mafia payrolls. They've been working with Selina because they're on Selina's payroll and should be investigating themselves. No wait. I think it's okay to work with a mafia leader if you're not taking any money and you're helping her to figure out which other cops are working for other mafia leaders but accepting money for it. I'm sure they wish Ann Nocenti never dragged them into this comic book.

The mafia stuff takes place and it's mafia stuff that takes place. Loyalties are challenged. Bodies are counted. Leaders are overconfident. Little friends wait patiently to be introduced. You all know the drill!

Selina lets Antonia take care of the business with negotiating a new truce with the Falcones because she needs to go search for the real Batman because having sex with a Robot Batman is dangerous.

The moon is so low in the sky, it's in front of some clouds. I sense a company-wide Eclipso crossover coming!

Catwoman #41 Rating: No change. Except for the comic book needing a serious change of pace, I'm still a bit unclear as to how Selina Kyle gets to be head of the Calabrese family. So Rex told some people she was his daughter and that's that? Is she really his daughter? Why was this an acceptable move on Rex's part to put her in charge? Why are there so many characters that I can barely keep straight? At least Ward discovered Selina was Catwoman this issue which probably means her time as a Godfeline is almost over.

Constantine the Hellblazer #1

I had a different caption here but I was being a whiny baby so now you have this caption and a mystery!

One night when Constantine was still a television show and the world was a wonderful place full of hope and optimism (of course gay people couldn't get married in every state then but who wouldn't give that up again to get Constantine back on the air, amirite?!), the opening credits to Constantine began playing on my television. My cat Pelafina was sitting on the floor in front of the television minding her own business when the screen filled up with all those writhing souls before the name of the show appears. As soon as she saw them, she hunkered down low to the ground and began a quick combat crawl toward the television. That moment in the credits is pretty quick and after a couple of seconds, they were gone. When they left, she straightened back up, looked around, and went back to staring at other dimensional creatures that only she can see the way cats usually do.

The New 52 Constantine was mostly a boring fuck who was constantly pining after Zatanna. He was a complete bell end. There was no real tension or sacrifice in his life. Every month he would just cast a spell which he just warned everybody was the most dangerous spell in the world and then he'd be okay. Hopefully this series will consist of John finally paying the price for all of those outrageous spells he was casting just to impress Zatanna. And maybe the Nightmare Nurse a little bit too.

This issue begins with a blood covered naked John Constantine suddenly appearing in a shop while Narration Boxing a swear word (it's bleeped out but at least it's a curse!). The title of the story is "Going Down." I think that's violating all the Comic Code Authority rules at once except for the one about no monsters. Although John's cock might count as a monster if he wasn't covering it up with his hand. Although if he can cover it up with one hand, it's probably not a monster. At least not yet.

This is a nice enough bit of introduction to explain to the reader that this isn't a super hero comic book.

James and Ming make sure Constantine's bisexuality makes an appearance on page three just in case anybody's paying attention. Sure, he says he fucked a ghost but he probably fucked Gaz when Gaz was alive so that's definitely homosexuality. And John's been known to put his pee pee in the vicinity of Zatanna's ovaries which is probably heterosexuality. Put them both together and what does that spell? I don't know. I'm drunk.

Constantine acts as his own narrator as most comic book characters do these days although he's much better at it than Roy Harper. He's actually giving the reader a feel for his life and the darkness which he thrives in. He wants those traveling with him for the next few decades (optimism!) to understand that they will be seeing terrible, horrible, awful things and to maybe not judge him so much when he barely even notices them. Not a wince. Not a dry heave. Not for good old John because he's been waist deep in demons and gore since the tail end of puberty.

Constantine ditches Gaz and the other ghosts following him for a nice curry with chips and a side of strapping young cock.

Okay, maybe the cock's not on the menu.

Now I want a curry. One time in Berlin, I had street curry. It was the best curry. Because it was on the street. Currywurst. So good. I'd probably have to go downtown to find a curry cart in Portland. And then it wouldn't be the best curry because I would be downtown in Portland. Blarf.

Oh my. I stand corrected. Look who just made the happy ending menu. Happy hour! I meant happy hour!

Constantine is perfectly right about one thing: chatting is nice. In comic books at least! Fuck actually chatting with real people! So awkward that they won't just touch my penis. I have to get to know them first? But chatting in comic books? Great! Awesome! Build some fucking character guys! Why would I care when Oliver's lungs get sucked up his throat by a demon if I'm not able to have some nice moments with him first, you know?!

John's flirtation is interrupted by a demon named Blythe. Blythe has stopped by to fuck Constantine. Blythe also needs help banishing some imps from the club Blythe runs. It's a little place called Inferno which Constantine points out is a bit on the nose because, well, it's a bit on the nose and some character had to mention it so that critics of Tynion and Doyle can't!

The club is entered from the top floor where patrons head down, down, down through all nine circles of Hell until, I suppose, they wind up in Satan's mouth? That sounds like a good time!

Blythe is an interesting character. A bit of a Desire wannabe with a love of calling John "rude." And the trip through Inferno is cutesy and well plotted. It reads a bit like a Sergio Aragonés cartoon if he were allowed color or to draw inside the margins.

Blythe walks Constantine right across the Ninth Circle (Treachery! Although no sign of Judas or Satan) and into the business partner's office where Blythe locks the door and expects John to kill the partner. See, Blythe can't collect souls or send demons to Hell or Blythe goes to Hell too. But if John sends Blythe's partner to Hell, Blythe gets to keep the Inferno Club which captures souls and sends them to Hell, factory-like, without getting Blythe's hands dirty. So John, to keep himself alive, conducts an exorcism on the partner. But he flubs the final line because, to get even with Blythe for manipulating him, he wants Blythe to jump in and finish it, thus sending a creature to Hell which means Blythe winds up back in Hell as well. Such a Hellblazer thing to do!

Constantine making friends.

John's ghosts show up on the final page where Gaz points out that Frank the Ghost is dead. Really dead. Like dead dead. Apparently you can be deader than dead because Frank is that. He's the deadest. It's a mystery to be solved by Trixie Constantine!

Constantine the Hellblazer #1 Rating: So far, so good! And one of those three words (one used twice!) I really wasn't able to use very often when describing The New 52 Constantine. It was often boring. This one at least has things happening and has John being John and has swearing and smoking and sex with demons! It also has a Constantine in a thigh high duster which is a bit weird but I guess it's modern or something? Whatever! This version of Constantine works! So far.

Earth 2: Society #1

Earth 2! Featuring nobody you remember from the Golden Age!

I hope by the end of this issue, Helena and Oliver terraform the planet and it destroys everybody, replacing them with the Justice Society. I was really hoping World's End and Convergence was going to put Earth 2 out of its misery. But here it is still on life support and as much heroin as the nurse will allow it. I hope somebody doesn't accidentally trip over the plug to the respirator!

The issue begins with Batdick climbing the walls of Macross City. He's under attack by somebody. I'm sure it'll be somebody recognizable since the only people that exist on this planet are the Earth-2 Wonders that survived Convergence and the citizens of Earth-2 who escaped on the TSS Endurance. Unless maybe Skartaris still exists in the center of the planet and all of the time traveling bad guys will eventually escape. Until then, I think the bad guys of the planet are The Huntress and Doctor Impossible and Green Arrow who might actually be Red now. And I wouldn't say they're actually bad guys. It's more like they and the other Wonders have a difference of opinion. One side thinks Planet Brainiac should be terraformed into a perfect look-a-like of Earth-2 while the other side thinks it should remain a figment of Alan Scott's imagination. One side is very, very wrong although I think I'm probably supposed to be siding with them. Whichever side has Batdick is probably the side the reader should be rooting for.

Batdick is after Terry Sloan, the original Mister Terrific who now goes by Mister Eight because fuck if I know. I don't know if he's trying to save him from a sniper or capture him. Terry Sloan is the smartest man on New Earth-2, so the "good" guys may just need him to fix their computers full of porn viruses thanks to Power Girl.

Looks like Batdick is trying to save Sloan from Johnny Sorrow and the Ministers of Truth. That sounds like a gang from The Boomer Bible.

Since this is all taking place one year after Planet Brainiac's conversion to New Earth-2, we need some flashbacks to figure out what's going on!

In the flashback, Dick Grayson remembers enough of World's End and Convergence to satisfy anybody smart enough not to have bothered with them. Green Lantern and Telos transformed Planet Brainiac into a new Earth and shoved it into a binary star system in a Goldilock's orbit. Green Lantern then set off a beacon to call back the survivors of Earth-2. When they arrive in twelve separate ships, Terry Sloan causes them to crash in twelve carefully chosen coordinates. Luckily Green Lantern is around to save the lives of New Earth-2's new citizens. No thanks to Terry Sloan! I hope the Ministers of Truth kick his ass!

Dick Grayson is saved by Mister Terrific (the new Michael Holt version) and declares they've arrived to build a better world. Ha! Not if Green Lantern can help it!

Back to the present, Batdick takes a moment to check on some kid to make sure it's not his kid. Fucking father of the year still can't find his son, enh? After Batdick feeds the kid's dog some chocolate, he returns to rescuing Terry Sloan.

I guess the Ministers of Truth show their faces and whoever sees them (even themselves) goes mad?

Terry Sloan gets away leaving the reader with a whole lot of explication, a few mysteries, and a story that might work if Daniel H. Wilson can figure out the pacing. He also needs to work on what needs to be said and what can be left out. I think this issue would have been better off telling most of its tale in the present and telling only so much of the flashback as Dick Grayson would have been aware of. The ships coming in and then mysteriously crashing. Maybe seeing Green Lantern helping out and then his rescue by Mister Terrific. Fill the pages you've saved with more interaction with Johnny Sorrow to get the reader interested in the story that really matters. The back story can be filled in tiny portion by tiny portion and in a variety of imaginative ways that don't need a flashback scene that walks us through every single moment. Do writers and comic book companies fear readers closing a monthly title with lots of questions? I think they like to stick with just one because they probably think readers are dumb. So the big question this book leaves us with is this: who is Terry Sloan afraid of?!

Earth 2: Society #1 Rating: I'm afraid this book is going to get overwhelmed by all of the characters. It really should just be Earth 2: Batdick. Twenty pages every month isn't a lot of room to deal with multiple characters. Especially when Earth-2 comic books have been going on for three years and we've yet to even come close to any kind of Justice Society group. How about simply dropping the Just Forget About Us Society and give the lead to Dick Grayson?

Gotham Academy #7

Oh great. This is going to be trouble.

I'm not totally jealous of Damian Wayne right now at all and I'm not crying or nothing either. Maps is probably just excited to have another potential player in her "Serpents and Spells" campaign world she's created. Or maybe she's excited to have the child of billionaire Bruce Wayne join the Pizza Club because somebody has to be able to afford the pizza. Unless she's just super excited to have a boy her age finally going to Gotham Academy.

I guess the art duties are being taken over by Mingjue Helen Chen who did the art in the Gotham Academy Sneak Peek. I'm disappointed because I really loved Karl Kerschl's work on this comic book but I'm not that disappointed because I think Mingjue's style fits well with this book.

This issue is called "Curse of the Inishtree Quill" because it's basically just become a Trixie Belden book, or Encyclopedia Brown, or the Baby-Sitters Club. I think. Was that last one about solving mysteries or fending off the unwanted attentions of straying husbands?

Maps is currently ignoring her teacher reading "The Raven" because she's creating new party members for her "Serpents and Spells" game. She's adding some classmate named Eric Jorgensen because she hasn't met Damian Wayne yet. Her character sheet looks something like this:

When the teacher, Mr. Scarlet, asks Maps about the madness and despair of the speaker in any poem by Poe, Eric stands up and screams, "Raven!" He's about to attack the teacher when Damian tackles him and saves the day. I don't know what he saved the day from but it was definitely a day saving move. Having learned a little something from living with Batman for the last few years, he lectures everybody on his way out. Maps kicks Eric off the team and decides Damian is the guy the Pizza Club needs. Wasn't that covered on the Cover?

Olive is gone for a few days so this is just a Maps story. I don't hear anybody complaining, right?

Later while Maps is spying on Damian, she writes in her notebook, "Ultimate Power Team: Maps Mizoguchi + Damian Wayne." As soon as she does this, she and Damian are compelled to hold hands and not let go. You see, her quill has been infused with the magic of Mr. Scarlet smashing Poe's The Raven down upon it. Perfectly reasonable explanation. But now Damian and Maps need help getting their hands unstuck. Well, Damian does but I think Maps probably doesn't mind all the touching and finger caresses.

Pomeline knows more about magic and making up reasons for Damian and Maps to hold hands than I do. Mind control feather quill! Of course! Duh!

This could all be fixed except the stupid raven stole the quill because he was all, "This isn't my feather but I'm taking it back! I'm taking them all back! Nevermore!"

Do you think ravens are completely confused why every human in the world looks at them and says, "Nevermore! Nevermore!" I bet they love going to trailer parks where nobody knows the poem and they just shoot at the ravens instead. It's just a nice change of pace.

Yes, I just equated poverty with ignorance and violence! You would too if you'd spent as many weekends as I have at a Karaoke Bar in Lincoln, Nebraska, just down the road from a trailer park!

Pomeline screams, "The quill!", and shoves Damian out of the window. Maps follows being that they're stuck in the pre-kissing handholding phase. Damian manages to grab the window ledge because he's Robin and thus has plot immunity. At least I think Robins that have been killed once already and returned from the dead have plot immunity!

Maps is going to rock that grapple slut's world on their wedding night.

Maps and Damian swing across the courtyard and crash through a window, landing at Kyle Mizoguchi's feet. Kyle, just like everybody else, attacks them but Damian uses Maps as a weapon and knocks out Kyle. Typical guy! He's got a terrific girl at hand (who probably isn't interested in him at all except for his terrific fighting abilities) and he uses her as a mace. In retribution, Maps uses Damian as a Kleenex (tm!).

How is Damian going to explain the Grapple Gun later? I suppose it's easy enough to believe that the son of the owner of WayneTech can throw a big enough tantrum to earn himself a Grapple Gun.

This story is more believable than Endgame and I get the feeling it's going to wind up being the daydream!

Okay, it isn't really more believable than Endgame. I wish you nerds didn't force me to feel like I needed to clarify that. Fucking nerds! Why can't dumb people appreciate my site?

Maps and Damian decide maybe Professor MacPherson can help them out since her dog barked at a bird which totally probably wouldn't have happened under anything except magical circumstances.

That sounds plausible. But it's also possible that this is a masturbation fantasy because Maps really needs this kind of convoluted, mystical fantasy mystery to get off.

Professor MacPherson takes the kids out to the cemetery where they find the Pizza Club doing weirdo zombie things. Damian and Maps tie them up and then they see the raven with the quill in its mouth. Damian pulls out a Batarang to knock its block off and Maps gets that much closer to coming.

The raven drops the feather which is when Mister Scarlet appears and warns them all not to touch the Inishtree Quill because it carries Avian Demon Flu. That's why all the other kids were acting so crazy. Mister Scarlet takes them to the infirmary right after he points out that Damian and Maps can release their grip on each other. Which they do because this must be the denouement part of the masturbation fantasy which means Maps, you know, is, um, done.

Well, I guess Damian doesn't really have time for school anyway, what with a dead father to bury and a pet gargoyle to take care of and helping Alfred open jars.

Before leaving the school, Damian gives Maps a Batarang. I have a feeling that, from here on out, whenever we see future stories where Damian has taken over the role of Batman, Maps should be his Robin. But I don't think we have to worry about Maps figuring out Damian is Robin and Bruce is Batman because she's no Lex Luthor.

After Damian leaves, Maps falls asleep with her hand still stuffed in her underwear.

Gotham Academy #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is actually the kind of thing I've been wanting from DC Comics! Fun stories which you can let be and ignore their unintended consequences on the rest of the DC Universe. Although I'm sure it bugs the shit out of a lot of readers that Damian would be so careless with his (and thus his father's!) secret identity. And so what if Maps, not being a complete moron, figures it all out? She'll tell Olive and Olive will say, "You're nuts." She'll tell Pomeline and Pomeline will say, "Stop spazzing off, retard." She'll tell Kyle and Kyle will say, "That's nice, sis." She'll tell...well, that's probably all she'll tell before deciding it's her little secret which she'll someday parlay into becoming Robin.

New Suicide Squad #9

New Suicide Squad Death Toll: 0 (Men-Bat don't count)

The issue begins with Floyd Lawton getting a light from a small boy. He's smoking his cigarette in the rubble of some war-torn city. He's enjoying a quiet moment under the stars. Am I hooked from this opening? Have I been left wondering, "Where is Floyd? What has happened? Did he suck that small boy's dick for the cigarette?" Hey, you ask your questions; I'll ask mine.

By the way, I wasn't left wondering any of that. I was left thinking, "Am I supposed to feel something here?" Maybe I can force myself to feel something! I hope I don't prolapse my rectum from the strain though.

I'll get to the part where I try to force myself to feel something later. For now I'd like to point out that page four begins "Four weeks earlier." That means the first three pages where Floyd bums a cigarette off the kid and does a little stargazing was supposed to hook me. I was supposed to be wondering what happened and feeling a tingling excitement begin to radiate across my frontal lobe. Or whichever part of the brain causes curiosity and feelings. The heart part of it, maybe?

So four weeks earlier, Floyd is still hanging out in Belle Reve. I bet I don't learn anything about him in the next few scenes! I bet Nick Lachey reveals more about himself in the Twix advert than Sean Ryan reveals about Deadshot.

Lawton is brought into the briefing room to learn about a new mission. His trigger finger is completely healed because Deathstroke isn't very good at ending careers, I guess.

Am I supposed to know who the cheery dude is?

The chirpy guy can only be one of two people, right? Reverse-Flash or Boomerang. I assume it's Boomerang but why is he so perky? I would totally approve if that were his personality and he completely got on Lawton's nerves all the time because he was so happy-go-lucky. But I have a better chance of fisting an elephant than having an upbeat member of the Suicide Squad. Oh, sure, Harley is upbeat. But she's a special case and she's only on the Squad to sell comic books. I want a real member that greets every day with a smile.

The next page doesn't reveal who the other white inmate is so I guess I'm supposed to have already figured it out from the superb art and the outstanding way Sean Ryan differentiates his characters. I'm sure the problem is inside my own head. Although Victor Sage is back and working side by side with Amanda Waller, so I guess somebody straightened out that problem. Maybe Amanda put a nanobomb in Vic's head too?

Manta mouths off, Vic asks him politely to let Amanda finish, and Amanda thanks Vic. Who are these people?

Waller's mission briefing consists of a long speech about some group calling themselves The League (modern cool minimalist directness or unimaginative pap? You decide!) splintered off from The League of Assassins. Her main point is that they're very, very dangerous. But it isn't enough to tell comic book fans that some threat is the most ultimate threat imaginable so Sean Ryan has Boomerang(?) say in a poorly punctuated way, "They're bad guys, Waller, we get it." But then Waller says sternly, "No, you don't." HOLY FUCK! The League must be a super duper pooper threat like none ever seen before!

How about this plan? Kill everybody you can on the way in. Don't actually go in. Kill more people. Leave. No?

Except for the first three pages that were just fucking wasted trying to make a moment to hook the reader that really didn't fucking do anything but waste three pages, I'm actually enjoying this book. This could be a decent core for the new Suicide Squad: Lawton, Digger, and Black Manta (who I think has a name in The New 52 but never did before so it's not in my memory pipe). Now they just need a handful of characters that the reader will actually believe might be killed, and this'll be a real Suicide Squad.

But fuck man. Those three wasted pages are killing me. That's money out of my pocket!

The other three members of the team are Harley, Reverse-Flash (whose name isn't hyphenated in the panel in which he's introduced so now I'm questioning my choice to hyphenate!), and Parasite. Seems like another team with no disposable members. There's a slight chance Parasite will "die" but he'll come back again having regained his life through sucking the life energy out of other people or something. Or they could just get a new Parasite. Maybe some DC Editor just never took to Bike Messenger Slacker Parasite. Was it too on the nose?

I can live with this team and this banter. This makes me feel like I'm reading the team I used to love.

The infiltration team of Deadshot, Boomerang, and Manta are sent into Turkey to meet up with Tomorrow Thief. When last we saw the Tomorrow Thief, he had been thrown into a volcanic lake and left to drown by Mister Terrific. I guess he didn't drown. But he did lose his French accent! Bon riddance!

Tomorrow Thief takes the crew to meet with the members of The League who test infidels trying to enter their ranks. They're tortured and quizzed and eventually thrown into a cell. Presumably they passed or else they'd be dead. Later they're taken to a desert where three "heroes" are frozen solid. The three Squad members are given baseballs and told to shatter the frozen people. Sure! Why not? They're already dead, right? I mean, I know in comic books, you can be completely frozen in ice and survive without any problems as long as somebody melts you out. But since it probably wouldn't really work that way, these people are dead. And not like Lawton, Harkness, or Manta have never killed anybody anyway! It's practically the main point of every mission. It's like the second or third bullet point on this mission's list of objectives.

They're videotaped by The League smashing these people into ice cubes after which they receive warm fuzzies from The League's leader and wander off into Part Two.

New Suicide Squad #9 Rating: +2 Ranking. The first part of their mission is a success! And nobody died! I mean, nobody important on the Squad died! Which normally I'd whine and moan about but members aren't supposed to die every issue. The reader just has to believe that there is a chance that one of them might die. Right now, I don't believe any members will die. But I'm actually enjoying this series again. Can we lock in the characterizations now? This is a good place for these guys to be. Except for Vic Sage. Who cut off his balls? My guess is he's working for Checkmate and he was told to play nice with Amanda until he gets his orders from Bishop.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1

Oh! The pitter patter of my beating boner!

This comic book might be titled "Red Hood Loves Arsenal" but I highly doubt it's going to satisfy anybody's slash fiction needs. No throbbing cocks will be entering any puckering anuses here. Jason Todd will not be guzzling Roy Harper's cum. Roman face masks will not be seen anywhere. If you're looking for that kind of 21st Century family entertainment, you won't find it written by Scott Lobdell. Although you might find some of it written by me as I write about Scott Lobdell's comic book. So, um, welcome! I'll try to write an erotic felching scene later.

Can felching be erotic?

The issue begins with Roy Harper Narration Boxing which is of greater or equal value to a death knell. Roy Harper thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. That's because Scott Lobdell thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. He's one of those guys who thinks he's being funny when people are just putting up with him and looking at their watches and hoping he has somewhere to be soon. Typing that makes me nervous because I sometimes think I'm funny and I've often seen the way people look at their wrists when I enter the room.

Which is very nearly the way 95% of all super heroes do things. Even Superman is breaking the law every time he flies through Metropolis. Probably. I mean, doesn't he need a license or air clearance or something?

Roy Harper is sitting in a desert in Arizona telling jokes to himself. Or he's telling them to the reader. But he shouldn't be talking to the reader so I'm going to assume he's explaining his own jokes to himself for some reason. It doesn't make any sense but neither does having him talk directly to the reader to explain his jokes.

See? It's funny because it's not funny at all but then he explains it which makes it funny!

Roy continues to talk to himself after which he Narration Boxes to himself. I don't know what the difference is. At one point he Narration Boxes, "When I say 'me' I mean Roy Harper." Does he often have to remind himself who he is?

The title of this issue is "Desert First, Then Dinner! Get It? Because It Takes Place In The Desert!" I very much doubt the title matters. I'm almost certain that Scott Lobdell wrote it without any knowledge of how the story was going to progress but he began it with Roy in a desert so at least it works on the shallowest of levels. And I bet later he has dinner with Tara Battleworth. No way that's a real name.

Why does he have a framed picture of the Outlaws when he's got a cell phone right in the other hand? What kid today views photos in any way except on phones?! The framed picture must be a bomb.

I'm only on the fourth page and I just threw the comic book down and yelled, "FUCK!" Will somebody please stop allowing Scott Lobdell to write young people?! There's only one thing I can't stand more than young people and that's old people trying to act like young people! See the panel above? That "me/not me" bit began the bubbling blood and the throbbing vein on the forehead. But then on the next page, Roy contacts Tara Battleworth to let her know that her covert secret desert meetup between drug dealers and a state senator probably isn't going to end as well as she'd like it to. She only gives him ten seconds to explain himself so he says (choking back vomit while typing this), "#setup. #turnaroundandgetout." Fuck you. I wouldn't have been pleased with it but at least have the letterer type out "Hashtag setup. Hashtag turnaroundandgetout." Also saying "hashtag" in front of everything isn't cute. Trigger Warning: Old Man. Hashtag fuck you all.

Tara hangs up on Roy so Roy goes back to surveillance and talking to himself. He seems really bitter about his past job as Red Hood's sidekick.

Tara Battleworth's deal with some drug runner named Palette (because he's covered in paint, I guess?) goes south which means it's time for Roy Harper to save the day! Or Red Hood because I bet Red Hood is on the other side of the deal telling jokes to himself too.

Roy Harper shoots a bunch of trick arrows into the deal gone bad and references The Name Song which is a totally timely reference I often hear used among the crowd that sorries not sorries and hashtags the brains out of each other. I know Tiny Toons brought it back but even that was over twenty years ago. Although I like that part during the song where Plucky says, "Now do me!" and everybody screams, "NO!"

Can we get back to the cover for second? I don't get why Arsenal's name is written the way it's written! Is the "A" supposed to be a bow shooting a doorstop?

Roy Harper saves the day and lectures everybody while saving it because they're stupid adults who don't know anything. He's a genius (although he's not written by one so it's really fucking hard to tell sometimes)!

Oh! Oh! I know where Red Hood is now! It was this page that gave it away!

He's disguised as Nick Lachey! I mean the senator!

One and a half pages of story and half a page of Twix ads later, the Senator sits up double fisting some pistols and blowing the poorly mixed paint out of Palette. I allowed myself to be so distracted by my hatred and anger that I almost forgot Red Hood always turns up in disguise!

It was so awesome! Red Hood as an old man was all, "BLAM BLAM BLAM EAT LEAD MOTHERFUCKER!" And Roy Harper was all, "Whoa! Cool!" And Palette was all, "I'VE BEEN BESTED BY THE TWO GREATEST HEROES IN THE WORLD!" So fucking cool!

Get! Get out of here! Fucking thirteen year old sat down and began typing on my computer while I was straining to pee! Hashtag Old Man Problems.

Jason Todd tells Roy Harper that they're working together again and Roy Harper accepts the sidekick position once again. They also get a job offer from Ms. Battleworth. That way they can not be outlaws anymore and the other adult super heroes will have to accept them!

Also they take the job! Spoiler alert! Is that what the kids say?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1 Rating: I suppose if I had the meager mental capacity of a thirteen year old boy, this would be a fucking awesome comic book! But I'm not so I didn't have any fun reading it. Plus I forgot to write the felching scene. I hope nobody is disappointed.

Starfire #1

Her finger is glistening because she's a filthy sex pervert.

Starfire has moved to Key West because she'll fit in with her costume that looks like a bikini and her skin that looks like a horrible spray tan. Plus it's apparently okay to masturbate in public. I should move there! I bet I've masturbated in every building I've ever been inside of! If you've invited me into your home, I probably jerked off somewhere in it. It's probably a mental issue called Jerkophilia so you can't criticize me, you unfeeling offensive jerk! I may or may not have jerked off in an empty park after dark on the way home from my job at Kentucky Fried Chicken when I was seventeen, depending on whether or not you would be completely grossed out by that revelation. It was probably the way those tight polyester pants fit across my crotch. It also could have been because I was seventeen and I thought of half a boob.

Have I primed everybody up for the sexy romp we're about to take with Starfire? Or are you all just feeling a little queasy now?

The issue begins with Starfire telling her story about how she was kept in a woman's prison with sexually depraved women convicted of womanly depravities. Boy, I wish I knew more about that kind of stuff. Maybe Lord Google's Image Search can teach me more about it! Oooh! Whoa! Interesting! Here's one of the things I learned about "womanly depravities":

Sexy! Right? I'm feeling...squooshy? No?

Starfire is telling her history to her new best friend in the whole world, Sheriff Gomez! I hope they become best friends with benefits because I wouldn't want to see Starfire have to go without health insurance.

Cute is for kittens! Starfire is erogenous!

Starfire has nothing of value that she's willing to sell except maybe a few jewels she found on the starship she stole. I don't think she can sell the ship because she crashed it on a desert island and used it as a den of depravity where she depraved Roy Harper on a constant basis. He didn't deprave her though because he wasn't very good at doing it and Starfire was too good at doing it.

Starfire sells a diamond and is all, "I do not English! It is funny, no?" And everybody is all, "No. Take off your top." But Starfire is all, "I will take off my top but only when it is my idea and when it can showcase my power and it will not be to titillate you self-diddling comic book monkey monsters. I mean, 'What is top? Do you mean my head?'"

After crying about dead old people which wasn't sexy at all, Starfire and her new best friend decide to have some beers. It's okay though because Sheriff Gomez doesn't work until later, so getting drunk won't be a problem right now. You can tell Starfire gets drunk almost immediately because she begins contracting her words. She also slips immediately into some of her perverse womanly depravity fantasies.

A woman's vagina looks like a star over a pistol?! I mean, um, that's hot! Look at that vagina! Oh yeah! Just like all of the other ones I've seen!

A fight breaks out in the bar because two men can't control their carnal lusts when Starfire speaks with them. She obviously wants to deprave them if she deigned to acknowledge their existence while also drinking beers. That's how dating works, right?! A woman says, "Hello, good sirs, how are you?" And the man says, "Do you have a condom preference?"

Yes, Kori. Please try to avoid talking with men.

After shopping for a new outfit, Starfire is shown to her new temporary housing. It's a trailer in a trailer park and it probably will be safe enough when the hurricane passes through. Her landlady is an old woman named Tina and her instant womanly depravity interest is Boone, her grandson. He's the handyman, if you get my drift. Did I have a drift? I hope that was a drift.

The scene shifts to Sheriff Gomez's brother who is part of the coast guard or something. His name is Sol which probably means he'll be depraving with Starfire any page now. Also he lost his wife in a hurricane two years ago and he hasn't been in the mood for a good depraving since, even though his coworker Raveena has been shoving her depravities in his face for months now. But I bet Starfire will have just the right combination of innocence and loads of sex that is just what all men are looking for! They all want a sexpot that has never had sex before!

The storm turns into a hurricane so Kori takes shelter with Boone and his grandmother and his grandmother's parrot. But the trailer they're sheltering in is tipped over and they hear loud noises that aren't thunder, so Starfire exits the trailer and steps into the storm where she sees...well, you'll find out what she sees next month if you know what's depraved for you. It's probably the Weather Wizard. Or the Fearsome Five.

Starfire #1 Rating: This book is about as hilarious as an episode of NCIS and as sexually titillating as an episode of Three's Company with the sophisticated gender sensibility of The Love Boat.