Midnighter #1

Midnighter is a sadist in the way Batman is supposed to not be one (although is often portrayed that way ignorantly and incorrectly and to the boners of many happy psychotic Batman fans who don't truly understand Batman and should probably be saving their boners for Midnighter).

I have to apologize to DC Comics. Because The Midnighter Sneak Peek took place in a Teen Rated Comic Book and not a Teen Plus Rated Comic Book, I assumed that DC Comics didn't feel threatened by homosexuality. Seeing as how this is a Teen Plus Comic Book, I'd like to say I admit to how wrong I was about that and I'm sincerely sorry for portraying DC Comics in a way antithetical to their beliefs. Midnighter is a gay man who loves sex and Teens who are not yet Plussed need to be protected from that lifestyle. Sorry I misspoke before gathering all of the information in Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2!

It's also possible that the Teen Plus rating is due to all the violent skull crushing Midnighter is about to revel in. This is probably going to be the anti-Grayson comic book. It's about a guy who isn't nice at all who believes the world needs less hugs and more severe beatings if it's ever going to get its act together.

The issue begins with somebody I don't know (because they're in shadow the entire time and the artist is trying to make it seem at least a little bit feasible that it's Midnighter) infiltrating The God Garden and throwing the old lady out into space so he can steal The Dragon's Gold. None of that means anything to me. Not the Dragon's Gold. Not the old lady. Not the God Garden. None of it. Sure, I remember some of those things from when they appeared in Grayson. But I have no idea how they fit into the overall Stormwatch/Authority mythos.

If I had to guess (which I don't have to but I'm going to anyway), I'd say that the person infiltrating The God Garden is Lucas Trent who, we'll find out, isn't the identity of Midnighter at all. We'll discover that Midnighter is probably a clone of this guy or something and that he's angry at Midnighter for stealing his destiny. Or something. I'm sure cloning will be involved somehow. And Nanobots!

The real Midnighter is currently on a gay date. No, I didn't have to preface date with "gay" but this is a facetious site that uses disgusting lowbrow humor to make my dick jokes look classy. I think it's important that I establish as early as possible that Midnighter is gay. And violent. And mostly a pretty big asshole who doesn't care about justice so much as punching people in the throat. He may also be less sexually aroused by men than he is by breaking bones.

Hey date guy! Superman keeps his identity secret to protect the people around him! Midnighter obviously doesn't care about the people around him. You're fucked.

Some Modoran freedom fighters warp in and begin murdering everybody with their own rage by using Butcher Blasters. I have no idea what I just typed. But don't worry! They spout even more profound nonsense about how America is nothing but rage and hate and how their country of Modora is full of fascist caramel goodness with knowledge of all of the correct ways to be. Or something. It's more stuff I don't really understand. But that's okay because Midnighter is easy to understand! He's probably going to kill them all because they ruined his dinner! I may not be able to understand the intricacies of international relations resulting in events labeled by one side terrorism and by the other revolution, but I can understand getting pissed off that somebody knocked over your vichyssoise.

Okay, I lied. I don't even know what vichyssoise is or if it can even be knocked over.

Midnighter spends the next few pages killing all of the Modorans.

Yes. Awesome. I'm sure it's not horrible at all seeing five or six people's heads explode all over the room if they happen to be the bad guys.

Don't get me wrong! I'd be exhilarated to find myself still alive after a bunch of terrorists threatened to take my life. I'm just not sure I'd be lying in my beshitted pantaloons saying, "Awesome." I'd probably be weeping. It's possible later, after a few months of therapy, I'd use "awesome" when telling the story. But I'd also probably believe the guy who saved me was Batman.

Later Midnighter has some fish and chips at a bar where we learn that he and Apollo are taking a break. Remember how superheroes in the DCyou can't have stable relationships? So now it's just night after night of sex with an endless wave of hot young men for poor old Midnighter. Stupid rules at DC Comics forcing Midnighter to have multiple brief life-affirming affairs instead of one long endless fuck into the grave. Jerks!

After eating, Midnighter picks on some guys playing pool for no reason at all.

I like the line and the scene but what did they do?! It was the guys at the bar who moved away from him when he began talking about his lack of relationship with Apollo! Granted, I don't have Midnighter's senses. These guys could have been talking shit! But not super horrible shit because they're still alive. Probably just the garden variety shit that your (not my!) grandparents talk.

Being that this is America, I don't think the previous fight in the restaurant earned the Teen Plus Rating of this comic book. I mean, violence is kid friendly, right? We've seen enough proof in DC Comics that DC doesn't give a shit about violence in their ratings. Some of the most violent scenes in The New 52 happened in Batwing and Batman and Robin but those were never rated higher than Teen. So if this is going to earn a Teen Plus Rating, it needs way more than Midnighter shoving his fist into an open mouth!

Oh yeah. DC knows which orifice the fist goes into to earn a Teen Plus Rating!

My scanner is homophobic. It took two tries to scan that image.

This is the last time I bring up the ratings on the cover (probably). I'm not trying to start trouble with DC Comics just to start trouble. I'm positive they're not homophobic. If I just wanted to start trouble, I would have believed that Batwoman couldn't get married because it was gay marriage as opposed to believing that DC Comics just doesn't want heroes in stable, loving relationships. But I think DC is kowtowing to a certain segment of the population by rating their comic books in a way that obviously sees sexuality between same sex couples and women who have multiple sexual partners as being more cause for concern than decapitations. Midnighter is obviously a violent book so DC Comics is right to rate this Teen Plus. But judging by their past use of the label, I have to question if the violence is the real reason for the rating. People might think it's nonsense but I think it's somewhat harmful to portray gay sex or woman who enjoy sex as more adult than violence or men who enjoy sex. Men can have all the sex they want (with women!) in their own self-titled comic books and it'll never earn a Teen Plus rating. So why is Catwoman a Teen Plus book? Well, here's the reason: DC is trying to avoid angry parents with antiquated belief systems. You know, like those dinosaurs Midnighter mentioned earlier. The ratings on these books mean absolutely nothing but they're there so DC can point to them if angry parents see their kid reading something they don't think their kids should know about (even though they already do). I say it's time for DC to not give a shit anymore. Teen or Teen Plus...what's the difference? The only difference is that you're displaying a certain amount of bigotry and prejudice by placing your comic books under one of the two labels. Stop letting ignorance control you, DC! Although, seriously (and this is why I'm done talking about it), who fucking cares about your ratings? Nobody fucking cares about your ratings. Nobody.

Except me apparently. And possibly DC's lawyers.

Midnighter injects a one-way radio chip into the neck of his 378th lover. It's so this guy, Jason, can contact Midnighter if he ever sees anything that could use a little Midnight help. Jason thinks it's just a Booty Call Device.

This explains some of that stuff I didn't know about.

Midnighter gets a call from The Gardener and has to leave. Does that mean she's one of his 378 lovers implanted with a Booty Call Device? She needs Midnighter to stop the person who raided The God Garden. Midnighter isn't sure why he should help her until she mentions that she kept a Secret Origin File on Midnighter and his past after she created him. That fits right into my belief that the thief is intimately connected to Midnighter! Not that kind of intimately, pervert!

Midnighter #1 Rating: 8.5 Cracked Skulls out of 10. I guess I'm into this story and ready to see where it goes. At least DC Comics is allowing a gay male character to actually have sex. That's something you never really see in mainstream comics. Sure, you can have lesbians kissing and fondling and going at it because that caters in a pervy way to the male gaze. But two men tearing their clothes off and enjoying a good old toad in the hole? So rare!

Bat-mite #1

Prank the Legion of Substitute-heroes! Prank them right in their stupid faces!

Here's what I wrote about the Sneak Peek:

In the Sneak Peek, Batman meets Bat-Mite for the first time. And he doesn't like him. I'm not sure I like him either. I don't think Dan Jurgens has the comedy chops to pull this off. I could see this working if Dan turns Bat-Mite into the Don Rickles of the DC Universe (you kids can look him up on Wikilearnstuff). Bat-Mite is off to bug other heroes besides Batman and it seems like, with his meta-analysis of Batman, he'll have the ability to comment on the fandom's issues with each of the heroes. If Dan Jurgens can be critical enough and a bit mean-spirited when it comes to critiquing what other writers and artists are doing wrong, Bat-Mite could be a wonderful comic book! But I know that would go against the spirit of feigned camaraderie at DC Comics! It's probably against the unspoken rules to mention how horrible Ann Nocenti is at writing Catwoman. Although remember when Jeff Lemire, Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette, and Steve Pugh were doing Rotworld? Remember how they turned all the comic book heroes that were currently being written terribly into all the decaying, disgusting Rotworld "heroes"? That was some divinely subtle commentary, that. And maybe a little playful poking. It's hard to say.

Forget Bat-mite being a mean-spirited critic of writers and artists working at DC Comics because this comic book is rated E for Everyone. That means he can't describe Scott Lobdell's writing style as "kidney stones for the masses" and he won't describe Marat Mychaels artwork as "images miscarried stillborn from Marat's mind." Those are more like Teen Plus descriptions! But I guess DC has decided that if you're a silly, wacky character that is probably more out of continuity than in, you should be rated E for Everyone. Other rules at DC Comics for ratings? If you're female or gay or bisexual and have a healthy sexual appetite for sex and sexing, you get a Teen Plus. I guess overly violent comic books whose sole purpose is to display as much on-panel killing as possible have been rated as Teen Plus as well. The only one I can't figure out is Martian Manhunter! Is an addiction to Oreo the stuff of adulthood? Wait! I know the answer to that since I have that addiction! Yes! It is the stuff of adulthood because adults have the means to buy as many Oreos as they want and often rub the open-faced cookies on their genitals before eating the entire bag.

I wonder if I should begin adjusting my reviews to the rating of the comic book I'm reading? I don't want a younger everyone reading about that time I bottomed out on Oreos. At least it's good enough of an excuse for why I'm not telling that story! I don't want the younger kids to begin asking questions like "What is Cookies and Cream Felching?" or "I wonder how many cookies I can fit into my butt?"

The issue begins by showing the reader Bat-mite's balls. E for Everyone is way different than I imagined it!

Two ball and chains?! Bat-mite must have read a Scroll of Amnesia before reading that second Scroll of Punishment.

I don't know what DC Comics considers the age range for E for Everybody but since it includes, right there in the rating, you know, everybody, I'm going to assume the range is from just out of the vagina to just stepping into the grave. Which is probably why it begins with Bat-mite being sentenced in a court of law because everybody should learn about the justice system and how it works to keep us all safe and how it isn't corrupt in the slightest.

Speaking of Bat-mite's balls!

Bat-mite is exiled from his world. The first start of Banishment Tour 2015? Gotham City, of course!

Currently in Gotham, Bat-mite has stolen the Batmobile and is out chasing criminals around in it. As he's doing so, he mentions pogo sticks and then says, "Not that anyone knows what a pogo stick is...." I wish kids today didn't know what a pogo stick was! The fucking neighbor kids spend hours jumping on the squeaky pieces of shit every time we see a sunny day up here in Portland! I just wish pogo sticks were more dangerous! Little bastards! Maybe I should introduce them to stilts?

The criminals being chased by Bat-mite think they killed Batman until Batman shows up in the middle of the road in front of their speeding car.

Batman is not responsible for their deaths if they chose not to wear seatbelts.

Bat-mite appears next to Batman and begins offering him all kinds of Bat-Advice. Most of it amounts to "Pack bigger weapons on your Batmobile!" I'm pretty sure Batman already has guns and other deadly weapons on his Batmobile. Bat-mite just couldn't find the right buttons to push. For some reason, Batman is completely against handguns. But he seems to be okay with outfitting vehicles with missiles and guns and other deadly weapons. He probably has a strict policy to only use them on giant robots and the occasional out of control Martian Manhunter.

The only thing Batman says to Bat-mite is "You." It's possible that Batman thinks he's hallucinating Bat-mite due to being bathed in Scarecrow toxins and Joker gasses for so many years. Also Alfred goes a bit heavy on the ruffies sometimes when he has to keep Batman in the mansion so his boners can mend.

Batman saves the woman in the trunk of the car who miraculously avoided injury when the car slammed into the tree at fifty miles per hour. He boards his Batplane and leaves Bat-mite to be gassed and kidnapped by a thuggish nurse. Her boss tells her to bring Bat-mite to him. Probably so he can castrate him and stick a doll mask on his face and turn him into one of those transphobic, uncanny valley, Dollotrons.

Actually, he's not kidnapped by Professor Pyg even though that's what I wanted to happen beside all evidence to the contrary. You know? Like how the bad guys kidnapping the woman still had their genitals and their regular faces? Anyway, the person that kidnapped Bat-mite?

Doctor Dream, German version! Close enough, anyway. Shut up.

I prefer the name Doctor Traumalama! Then I'd have Nurse Ding and Nurse Dong!

Doc Traum (if you'll allow me to use the diminutives) here was kidnapping the woman in the trunk of the car so she could put her brain inside the woman's body. I'm not sure how Doc Traum's body was going to do the surgery without the brain inside of it but I guess she has superb muscle memory. Or she really trusts her henchmen who must be just as skilled as she is at the surgeries and would therefore have no qualms murdering her during the surgery and taking over her business. I bet it's tough being the leader of a gang of lunatics.

Doc Traum's nurse throws Bat-mite in the dungeon where he stumbles upon Hawkman waiting to be processed. I bet somebody would pay a lot for an Nth Metal Infused body! Although, thanks to the Nth Metal, wouldn't Hawkman's body regrow his brain if it were taken out? Can Nth Metal do that? It seems to be able to do everything else!

Bat-mite, realizing that Batman has been in good hands the last three years, decides Hawkman probably needs his help more. After all, Hawkman has had to deal with writers like Tony S. Daniel and Rob Liefeld. Bat-mite being in charge of him couldn't make things any worse. But Bat-mite learns that Hawkman's brain is shutting down! That means his body will be in total control next issue and Hawkman's body is a violent bugger! I think a big fight is coming up next issue!

Bat-mite #1 Rating: 7 Out-Dated References out of 10. Shall we go over some of Dan Jurgens out-dated references? Yes? Okay! "Great Caeser's Ghost!" Although Dan does point out that the reference is probably lost on the current audience. But this is an E for Everybody comic book, so some of the readers will get it! "Trickle down economics!" "Helloooooo Nurse!" "Nurse Ratched!" Probably some others. I mean, they're not technically out-dated references. But I'm being overly judgmental of Dan Jurgens because he's a robot from the 1980s that somehow can't absorb references too far out of that decade. Hopefully he's getting some upgrades down at the new DCyou! Maybe somebody should consider wiping his hard drive and installing some modern software in him.

Bizarro #1

Ha ha! The one is backwards!

This comic book is rated "E" for everyone. Is that a Bizarro rating? Does that mean it's actually not for anybody? I'm disappointed in the rating. I was hoping that Jimmy Olsen was going to introduce Bizarro to the concept of Lot Lizards during their road trips. I guess instead they're just going to have easily palatable adventures on the road. Maybe they'll play license plate Bingo and stop at Sonic for shakes. Then Bizarro will give Jimmy a handie as Jimmy drives which means Bizarro won't give Jimmy a handie because get it? He does the opposite!

I wonder how many reviews of this comic book resorted to talking like Bizarro throughout the review? I'd respect those reviews more than the ones that probably spent the first two or three sentences speaking like Bizarro before calling attention to how confusing it is before going back to their regular, insufferable, boring ass reviews where they say things like, "The art really set the tone in that special way that art sets the tone for the tone of the comic book's tone. And also this sentence says something good about the colorist that I've probably said five bajillion times because how many ways can you say, 'This comic book had colors that were colorful'?"

The issue begins two hours into Bizarro and Jimmy Olsen's road trip. If you haven't read the Sneak Peek, you might be wondering, "Why are Bizarro and Jimmy Olsen on a road trip?" Well, let me fill you in on that! Jimmy likes money and he thinks he can make money by taking Bizarro on a road trip and photographing him in compromising situations.

Jimmy Olsen thinks he can get more than money but since that reward is harder to explain to the younger part of "E is for Everyone," we'll just keep pretending he's only in it for the money. So he can afford prostitutes!

A couple of people are following Jimmy and Bizarro at a discrete distance because Bizarro could be dangerous. They probably work for ARGUS. Or the Daily Planet.

So, two hours out of Metropolis and Bizarro decides to pull out his cock which he calls Colin the Chupacabra. Things don't go well for Jimmy.

Don't worry! The younger Everyones won't understand why Jimmy Olsen is choking to death.

Bizarro's pet Chupacabra looks a lot like a real Chupacabra! I've got a figure of one in my office next to my crystal skull and my Red King. It's not the same color but that's easily explained! My figure is of an actual, historically accurate Chupacabra and Bizarro's Chupacabra is just a raccoon with severe mange.

Bizarro tells the origin story of Colin the Chupacabra. It has a really nice panel that I would use for my banner if Colin's cry had just happened to be "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!" instead of "Shooo-kah!"

Actually, Bonobos are highly sexed so that manholes and bonobos statement is a fuck joke. E for Everyone my not-as-tight-as-it-used-to-be ass!

Jimmy crashes his car into a tree because he had Bizarro's cock lodged in his throat. That means Bizarro is going to have to carry Jimmy's car to Canada. Or maybe just to a garage in Smallville which must be two hours outside Metropolis. Or maybe it's Bizarro Two Hours outside Metropolis! That makes more sense. I think.

This issue is called "Bizarro America: Part 6" because six is the opposite of one.

At a diner, Jimmy Olsen gets wind of a used car lot run by King Tut! Oh no! That's just like the name of that super villain in Batman '66 that I always found super boring so I usually changed the channel when he was in an episode even if that meant I might miss Lost in Space after Batman was over.

King Tut has a daughter who is drawn very sexily for an E is for Everyone cartoon character. She has two boobs and a crotch which seems a bit much for the younger readers. Plus she has a Queen Tut costume that I can't wait to see her wearing because it would really bring out her intelligence and give her a sense of agency!

Jimmy takes his car to be fixed by King Tut but he might get more than he bargained for!

Like seeing girl penis!

King Tut's daughter Regina is too sexy to be flirting with Jimmy Olsen. She must be trying to set him up so that her father can knock him down and Jimmy will end up with a beautiful car and thousands of dollars in debt. Also the car will probably be a lemon.

While Jimmy and Bizarro take photos for Jimmy's future coffee table book, Regina quits the car lot so she can follow her dream of making artisanal chocolate. That's super sexy, right? Her father doesn't seem to care because he's praying to Egyptian Gods. He makes contact with them and receives the Staff of Ra. Except he doesn't realize the Gods were just aliens fucking around with him as they search for their pal, Ch'ck the Chupacabra.

I think I like Regina better in her street clothes.

Jimmy's car won't be fixed until the next day so he and Bizarro head to a motel for the night. It only has one vacancy left so they share a bed. Bizarro dreams of happy people loving him and viewing him as a hero. He's surrounded by unicorns and rainbows and kittens. Bizarro is a truly happy creature. Jimmy doesn't dream of anything because he's ensorcelled and sleep walks over to King Tut's Slightly Used Car Oasis to purchase a car along with every other citizen in Smallville. It's up to Bizarro to save the day and keep everybody from driving away happily in a nearly brand new car of their literal dreams! Get it? Literal because they're all still sleeping!

Bizarro #1 Rating: 7.5 Non-Backwards Stars out of Ten. This is no Vertigo title but it's pretty much what it sold itself to be in the Sneak Peek. It's silly and cartoony and a bit of comic book fun. Plus it had a Chupacabra and Aliens in it. But it wasn't "ha ha ha I'm busting my nuts" funny so it only gets a slightly above average score for keeping me entertained for an hour or so. I imagine it's the kind of comic book that can be read in three minutes though and then it would seem like an awful lot of money for such a minor distraction! If that's the case, I recommend you read it three or four more times. Also try to remember when you read it that the Twix Advertisement is not part of the story. I know it looks like it is but trust me! It is not!

The Omega Men #1

This comic book looks interesting, so it's already better than a large percentage of comic books on the shelf. Although it doesn't look quite as interesting as the Alice In Wonderland comic book with the upskirt shots of the huge breasted Alice.

The Divergence Eight Page Sneak Peek of this comic book seems like it was pretty important to the overall comic book. But I'm going to ignore it for now and just dive in like everybody who bought this comic book because the cover was so cool but hadn't read the terrific eight page Sneak Peek in the pages of Convergence: Batman and Robin #2.

I never read The Omega Men back in the eighties when nobody I knew was reading The Omega Men. I had an aversion to comic books that didn't have any characters that I already recognized from somewhere else. It didn't take long before I stopped feeling that way but back when I first began reading comic books, strange characters on the cover and the issue number being too high were dealbreakers. Now I'm older and my passions and opinions have been worn away by time, experience, heartbreak, and too many Oreo cookies. I'll pick up and read anything as long as it gives me a few moments free from excruciating and unbearable contemplations of my own mortality.

The first thing I notice is that Tom King and Barnaby Bagenda continue the same cinematic style they used in the Sneak Peek (I know! I know! I'm not ignoring it at all!). The sense of movement and time across panels could teach Tony S. Daniel a thing or two or five billion about pacing. The general layout of each page is the old Giffen Brady Bunch layout of nine panels which makes for a lot of room to establish a sense of time and rhythm to the story. I'm sure most artists prefer less panels so they can just get to drawing big, sweeping movements. I can see how this style, and slow pacing across many panels, might bore an artist since they have to draw many similar panels across every page. I rarely mention the art in these commentaries but I just want to acknowledge Bagenda's time and effort here. It's very much appreciated. I'm only three pages in (plus the Sneak Peek!) and it's one of the most cinematic experiences of any comic since The New 52 began. I wish more comic books took advantage of the many paneled page instead of just throwing three page width panels full of disparate actions which the reader has to stitch together in their mind (if they're even able! Remember the initial issues of The New 52 Hawkman?! Those fight scenes were impossible to understand).

The comic begins with The Citadel searching for The Omega Men. They're the bad guy dissident rebel scum! I think I'm supposed to support them but that feels icky and gross because they're vile insurgent terrorists trying to destabilize the status quo! I'm choosing to root for The Citadel because I'm a patriot and a supporter of inculcated regimes that base their system of governance on outdated modes of thought, a pretend concern for the masses, and policy that allows them line their pockets with scads of cash!

The Citadel's troops have landed on Ogyptu, the world of pleasure and contemplation, and have raided a building of worship. They seem to have a lead on The Omega Men's secret headquarters where they filmed the execution of Kyle Rayner (in the Sneak Peek!). The search leads them to a trap door hidden under a carpet in the back room. Now The Omega Men will pay for their crimes! Ha ha!

I've changed my mind! The Omega Men are cooler than the pink faced guy! Go murdering terrorist rebel scum! Defeat America! I mean The Citadel!

Tigorr crawls out of the hole in the floor all bloody and badass which is when the person in the robes pulls some staple guns and blows a hole in the head of Mr. Pink. I flipped back to the first page at this moment and realized what was going on in the first set of panels. Mr. Pink is going through a bunch of flash cards practicing his English (or Interlac or Intergalactic Cosmic Standard or whatever) so he can say things like "Where are the Omega Men?" and "We are friends" and "We will not hurt you." You know, things he wouldn't normally know how to say because he's part of the police force for The Citadel.

In the ensuing, inevitable slaughter, Nick Lachey tells me all about the difference between the two Twix bars. I mean, the reader is introduced to The Omega Men. There is Primus who is probably the leader because he has a beard. But he's a reluctant leader in that he isn't happy about the slaughter; he just knows it's necessary to battling The Citadel. Doc is the robot that can tell whether or not a creature with an exploded head is dead. Tigorr is the big cat that tears people apart. Broot is the big blocky guy who smashes things. I mean, um, maybe not smashes because that could get into a weird copyright or trademark issue with that other company. Maybe he deconstructs people and things in a thoughtfully violent manner. Scraps is the tiny female with the anime hair and the lip piercing who is probably scrappy. And that's it for now. There are probably more because I bet they have an entire squadron of freedom fighters who aren't terrorists at all.

If Primus is nonviolent and this is the first time he's killed (or participated in this kind of killing), then that means Kyle Rayner is definitely still alive somewhere.

Coming to the conclusion that Kyle Rayner isn't dead isn't really going out on a limb. But realizing he's alive through the context and characterizations provided by the writer and artist is more satisfying than just being a comic book nerd and going, "PSHAW! *sputter* Of course Kyle Rayner is alive! Comic book characters don't die! Duh! I could have told you that when I was two!" Ugh. Fuck you, comic book nerds!

The Omega Men realize they need to get the heck out of Alien Dodge before The Citadel send an army after them. They escape through some tunnels with a footlocker that keeps thumping because there is probably somebody secret inside of it! I hope it's a naked lady and not a White Lantern!

Um, forget armies. The Viceroy of The Citadel simply bombs the hell out of the building in which The Omega Men had been hiding. Good thing they had tunnels through which to escape!

As The Omega Men escape through the tunnels, they check on "the bomb" which is the thing in the footlocker. And it isn't a naked lady. It's that stupid Kyler Rayner. Lame! Now I have to ask Lord Google for some naked ladies!

The Omega Men Rating: Ten Non Terrorist Freedom Fighters in the Right and Not Evil At All out of Ten! It's a perfect book! Except for its lack of naked ladies! Although some people might find that a plus! Like maybe heterosexual ladies! Seriously though. Everybody should pick up this book because it is good and will be getting gooder. Perhaps it might even get gooderest!

Wonder Woman Annual #1

This cover is not interesting in the least. It doesn't show any of Wonder Woman's best features! Like, um, her bravery and dedication to hugging it out!

The New DCyou is the Universe YOU, the fans, have been asking for! Which is why Wonder Woman is soon going to be at war with the Amazons lead by the most unrecognizable version of Donna Troy ever conceived! This is going to be so exciting! And nothing like that bullshit New 52 version of Wonder Woman where Azzarello made her the daughter of a man! Pee-yuke! This version of Wonder Woman is an incompetent leader full of self-doubt who needs constant advice from the male members of the Justice League before deciding on any course of action! Hugging it out with Aquaman's teddy bear is also one way she copes with the stress in her life. The way things are going, I bet this whole internal crisis she's struggling with turns out to be caused by her fear that she might never become a mother! Or PMS!

If you're not into Meredith Finch's perfect characterization of Wonder Woman, you can ogle Wonder Woman's perfectly sexy adult body attached to a fourteen year old face drawn so creepily by David Finch. It's hard pretending that rubbing one out to a beautiful fourteen year old is difficult, right adult male Wonder Woman fans?! But it is nice that David Finch understands your penchant for child pornography and gives you a legal out to pursue it, amirite?!

The issue begins in the Lair of the Bug Queen where Wonder Woman was having a discussion about how humans need to let the Bug People eat them because it's just the nature of the Bug People and how dare humans judge their culture. Fucking Bugophobes. The Bug Person that Wonder Woman flipped during the fight for no reason is nowhere to be seen. He probably wandered off to chew on his wounds until he killed himself because bugs aren't smart. They're like medieval surgeons!

Wonder Woman is still doubting herself which has been a staple of the character since William Moulton Marston created her. He would often have her save a bondage club and then think, "I wonder if I'll be able to orgasm by sticking this knobbed flail up my cooter?" It's why she was called Wonder Woman in the first place! Because her self-doubt was her most notable trait and she often wondered if she could ever be successful at or sexually fulfilled by any of her endeavors. Now Diana is pondering the possibility that she is the cause of the Bug People being true to their nature. Such a white guilty way of thinking!

"Oh! Trapped?! I don't want to blame any victims on accident here! You go ahead and keep eating all the people you want!"

I hope Wonder Woman decides she needs a bath after this encounter! I could sure use a double page splash of her getting into the tub!

I haven't turned to the second page yet but it looks like Wonder Woman is going to feel the need to help the Bug People which is more than she's felt she's needed to do with the Amazons. And she'll be able to help them without risk to Earth because if you were reading closely, you'll remember how Wonder Woman began this comic calling the Queen "this alien queen" even though no mention of the Bug People being anything but creatures of Inner Earth was made prior to that moment. Perhaps she's just calling her "alien" because she's so different from anything Wonder Woman has ever known. But I bet she means "alien" as in the Bug People are from space and have been trapped on Earth and could use some help getting off of Earth where they can go back to their home planet where they eat people that Wonder Woman doesn't have to care about.

Those damnable solar flares! So much trouble!

Wonder Woman argues that crashing on Earth a million years ago is no excuse for being hungry. I'm surprised that Superman has allowed Diana to speak for the team for so long! Shouldn't he be telling her that this is a job for a man now...a Superman! I haven't seen Batman for a few panels either. I wonder if he's sneaking up behind the Queen so he can break her neck. She just revealed that she's an alien and I think Batman is allowed to kill aliens, especially if they're bugs from space.

The alien world is called Gaea and nobody here raises an eyebrow?!

Meanwhile on Paradise Island where Wonder Woman's attention should be turned, the sons of the Amazons are being slaughtered by their mothers and sisters. Probably. At least that was what was happening last issue. I suppose I'll turn the page soon enough and see a double page splash of a bunch of smooth-skinned fourteen year old girls standing amidst the corpses of a bunch of weary, battered looking men. So after Wonder Woman helps these murderous Bug People return to their home planet where they can murder to their heart's content, Wonder Woman can head back to Paradise Island where she'll start a war because how dare the Amazons murder! It's not like it's in their nature where it could be excused!

Cyborg checks out the ship and he's all, "Oh yeah. This ride can be systematic...hydromatic...why couldn't it be Greased Lightning?!" Then Superman sings something about chicks creaming and Batman sings something about getting lots of tit and The Flash sings something about pussy wagons. The Bug Queen says, "Thank you!" Wonder Woman is all, "No problem! I feel like what you really needed was to not be judged for slaughtering whole villages around the globe. What you really needed was a hug and a step up, sister! Now I'm off to Paradise Island to judge my real sisters and punish them because they've completely worn out all of their hugs."

If only this were a double page splash, I would have nailed my prediction! I should have known better. This was too grim for a sexy double page splash. Who would want to buy the original art of sexy Amazons standing amidst a bunch of corpses. Way too hard to rub one out with all those dead eyes staring at your hidden shame.

Wonder Woman, stop being an arrogant prick. You are not the arbiter of everything. These men had a home. They had a perfectly acceptable adopted home with Hephaestus. You might have thought of Hephaestus's world as a slave labor camp for lost boys but at least they were learning a trade! And they were alive! Although maybe I should stop trying to shame Wonder Woman for trying to desegregate the Amazon world because I'm really beginning to take the side of racist Americans during the civil rights years. I think I need a double page splash of me entering the shower now!

According to the story about how the Amazons became pregnant with all those unwanted boys, they are, in fact, murderers.

I know how you can deal with the murderous Amazons, Diana! Send them off to the resort planet of Gaea along with the murderous Bug People! Justice!

Wonder Woman heads immediately to Donna Troy's throne room to confront her. It's like how she was in that throne room earlier with the murderous Bug Queen whom she found compassion for! But this time is different! Donna Troy wasn't acting on her nature so she needs to be put down like a wild animal that would have been acting on its nature and thus wouldn't have to be put down so maybe I should have come up with a more appropriate simile.

Did she call herself that? I'd go back through the last few issues to determine the veracity of that statement but I can't bring myself to reread any Meredith Finch Wonder Woman comic books.

I hope this fight lasts for most of the comic book so I can just skim the pages quickly. I will be paying attention for some really good wank panels though! Maybe I should start up a new Tumblr called Wank Panels! I bet it would get loads and loads of positive attention and nobody would find it disgusting or inappropriate at all! Although it is possible that the feminist message would be too subtle!

Here's a good one!

We finally get a double page splash during the fight because that wasn't entirely predictable or anything.

Donna Troy needs to appeal to Wonder Woman's sense of justice by saying something like how she was abused as a small lump of unformed clay, or how she couldn't help murdering all those men because it's an inherent tenet of her feminist credo that men who hide in the bushes by the Amazon hot springs and jerk off into holes in the ground must be put to death for participating in Clay Rape Culture. Then Wonder Woman will stop and think up a way to hug Donna Troy for justice.

Wonder Woman cuts off Donna Troy's arm but it's no big deal. Donna just reattaches it and keeps fighting. It's one of the benefits of being fully formed from clay! And she doesn't even need glue because she's still the wet, malleable kind of clay. What Wonder Woman needs to do is shove Donna Troy in an oven so she becomes super fragile and can easily be broken by being bumped by a basketball.

Donna Troy gets the upper hand after reattaching her arm because that's symbolic or something. She points out how hugging and love and justice are weak and she's not weak at all! She's the opposite of weak! She never hugs at all! And then when she's about to strike down Wonder Woman, David Finch produces another double page splash. But he really framed it poorly because he could have gotten a ton of money for the original art if he'd just opened up the right margin some.

What a missed opportunity, Dave! How do you expect to be the number one artist at Wank Panels with teases like this?!

Wonder Woman plays the "I feel sorry for you" card which always works to make the antagonist pause in self-reflection. I always hate that moment in movies where the bad guy is somehow shamed by the pure goodness of the protagonist. They're bad guys for a reason! At least when Luke pulls that shit on Darth Vader, he's got a sentimental and familial attachment that motivates his turning on the Emperor. And it works here as well but only because Wonder Woman has a lasso of truth to force Donna Troy to confront the reasons for how awful she is. She can't help it! She was made that way.

Wonder Woman captures Donna Troy and hauls her off to face justice. Hopefully it involves some kind of public display of bondage to humiliate her! It's off to a good start what with Donna Troy being bound up in Diana's lasso. Diana hauls her out in front of the other Amazons to give a speech about how people will be punished! They will be tied up and spanked and called weak and kissed roughly, right in front of all of the other Amazons! Plus Wonder Woman explains what Amazons are meant to be so we, the readers, can start off the DCyou unconfused about them.

She's a sinner! She's a saint!

The old woman that caused all of this trouble, Donna Troy's sculptor (I wanted to say "thrower" but felt that was a bit too ambiguous even if it's more correct), tries to murder Wonder Woman as she speechifies. But an Amazon whose name I don't remember (and I'm not even sure I should), throws a sword into Derinoe and murders her. But this is the good kind of murder, so she'll probably receive a hug for it. Amazon laws are confusing!

And that's it! No war breaks out. The Amazons who were against Diana concede that they were actually the problem and that maybe they should be punished. They're sent to Hephaestus's slave labor camp while Donna Troy is sent to a prison in Olympus. A new law is established that no male boy born on Paradise Island will ever again be thrown off of a cliff. Although how many babies are being born on the island? Aren't the Amazons immortal? And haven't they stopped having children since they don't go on those murderous, rapey sea raids anymore? I think this is just another useless law on the books!

And that's the end of the main story! I guess the Alien Bug People found their way home to Gaea with Cyborg and the Thunderbirds' help. Next up, a short story with art by Goran Sudzuka! That might help fool me into believing this backup story is well-written!

The back-up story is about Derinoe so the reader can understand why she was such a bitter evil Amazon! I hope it's not because that's her nature or else we'll have to let her off the hook. Hopefully she was just betrayed by love because a broken heart isn't an excuse to be a dick to everybody else. I think.

Many centuries ago, Hippolyta and Derinoe were frienefits. That means exactly what you think it means if you think it means something sexy that, as a male, I shouldn't be finding sexy because I'm making it about me and not about two women in love with each other. On the day this story takes place, Hippolyta's mother, Hippohippolyta, is meeting with the Spartans on Paradise Island. I bet the Spartans are going to act like pigs which will explain why Derinoe can't stand the idea of men on Paradise Island! And when I say "act like pigs," I actually mean "act like rapists" and I should probably apologize to pigs for implying that they'd ever commit a heinous act such as rape. They just love to root around in the mud and eat corpses. Nothing wrong with that!

The Spartans poison the Queen which causes Hippolyta to become Queen which causes her relationship with Derinoe to end. So she was betrayed by love! And men! And poisoned wine! I bet the whole Donna Troy story would have taken place in nearly the exact same way if Diana had opened a vineyard and winery on Paradise Island!

Derinoe saves Hippolyta's life from Hecate but turns into an old woman in the process. After that she spends centuries stalking Hippolyta and resenting her for having sex with a man. That's why she hated Wonder Woman! She was a reminder of horrible, untrustworthy, cowardly penis! Ptui! The end!

Wonder Woman Annual #1 Rating: If you really love a version of Wonder Woman that is atypical of the version of Wonder Woman most people love, you'll love this Wonder Woman! Although now that Meredith Finch's first training story is over, and DC Comics has entered the Fabled DCyou Period, perhaps things will change and this book will become a wonderful voice for feminism! And since David Finch is drawing it, we can be assured of many, many Wank Panels! So something for everybody!

Convergence: Booster Gold #2

Booster Gold is two feet taller than Superman due to being from the 25th Century and the expansion of the universe. I don't know why the 30th Century guys are so small. Maybe the universe started to collapse by then?

This issue begins with Booster Gold's reaction to Blue Beetle's appearance at the end of last issue. He says, "The Blue Beetle...alive? But that's...impossible!" That seems like a silly statement for a time traveler that discovered the multiverse to make. Why would he be surprised by anything? Just like last issue where Rip Hunter was surprised that a universe existed where Wonder Woman was fucking Superman. Why would he be surprised?! This leads me to believe that DC Comics demanded two things never happen prior to The New 52: Blue Beetle must remain dead forever in all incarnations, and Superman and Wonder Woman could never do the adult pee-pee dance. But I think it was okay, and necessary for all existence, that Blue Beetle and Booster Gold do the adult pee-pee dance.

Booster Gold collapses from Chronal Indigestion so Blue Beetle tenderly gathers him up in his arms and takes him aboard the Bug. I sense a sexy Florence Nightingale scenario coming up.

Meanwhile in the part of the story that isn't interesting because it doesn't involve the original Super Buddies, Booster and Rip tell Goldstar to shut up.

Not cool, guys. She's only pointing out that the reason y'all are there in the first place has left and now y'all can leave too and don't have to get your asses kicked by Superboy.

None of this comic book really matters except the part where Booster Gold gets to hang out with his best friend again after so many years. So I'm just going to skip this other stuff that's just going to lead to them finding that ridiculous Waverider and eventually finding their way to Convergence #8 where they'll do next to nothing to help advance the plot along because, in the end, Booster Gold doesn't matter as much as he thinks he does.

Back at the lab, Blue Beetle runs some tests on Booster Gold which fail to explain anything. But Booster Gold explains how Chronal Indigestion is killing him because his body keeps trying to digest food he eats in one time which disappears when he time travels so his body has begun to consume itself. He's also constantly leaking watery shit from his rectum. I think it was that last revelation that convinced Blue Beetle that he should keep his mask on the entire time he's hanging out with his best friend of all times.

Booster Gold collapses right about the same time that Booster Gold, Goldstar, and Rip Hunter break into the lab. The plan is to take Booster Gold to Vanishing Point where he'll be able to find all of the food he lost during his travel and incorporate it into his system which should negate the Chronal Indigestion.

While they're discussing how to save Booster Gold by throwing him into a vault in Vanishing Point in which nobody can survive, Skeets drops a huge secret!

Holy shit! Booster Gold is Skeets' father!

But that's not the biggest bombshell of the issue!

Holier shits! Booster Gold is his own father!

Well, it's obvious what huge reveal this whole Convergence thing has been leading up to now! Booster Gold is everybody's father! I fucking knew it!

Booster Gold is transformed into Waverider which means I'm going to have to go back and read Zero Hour (or whatever fucking Cosmic Crisis mini-series he appeared in! Who can remember them all?!) and see if it makes sense with this new revelation! I'm willing to bet it was totally planned! Plus as Waverider, it is actually feasible that Booster Gold is everybody's father! He's got a ton of impregnating to do!

Convergence: Booster Gold #2 Rating: 6 Retcons out of 10. This whole giving bullshit numbers to my enjoyment of the comic book doesn't really work because I don't experience joy. The only time the comic books really entertain me is when I can make fun of them! I'm less a fan and critic of comic books and more a fan of myself. So my rating actually reflects how much effort I put into commenting on this comic book. Six out of ten seems about right. Convergence has really knocked the wind out of me! I think I need to take a break from comic books and work on some other projects for awhile. I wonder if DC will put their entire line on hiatus so that I won't fall months behind on my reading!

Divergence: Earth 2 Society
"The survivors of Earth-2's war with Apokolips find themselves in a comic book with a stupid fucking name."

Society? Why the fuck is this book called Society? It sounds like a shitty social media app for boring, needy assholes that aren't spiritual so they don't have church and they aren't drunks so they don't have AA and they aren't in school so they don't have classmates and they're unlikable so they don't have family. Does this sound like you? Join "Society" where you'll get a daily dose of affirmation from a bunch of people you probably couldn't stand to look at or listen to in person!

The story begins a year after Planet Brainiac was transformed into New Earth 2. New Gotham has risen up around the crashed remains of the TSS Endurance so it's basically Macross. And Metropolis is now called Neotropolis. I bet that's so the Silver Banshee can take over later and redub it Necrotropolis.

Helena Wayne has become the enemy of Green Lantern because she has a machine that can terraform New Earth 2 into Old Earth 2. I guess that would take away Alan Scott's feeling of self-worth and accomplishment even if the whole idea of the Genesis Machine was to save Earth 2. I think Alan Scott is the bad guy here. He's definitely acting pretty selfish. I guess Power Girl agrees with Green Lantern because God forbid any friendships exist in the New DCyou. At least DC dropped The New 52 label so all the butthurt fans can come slinking back pretending to still have their dignity for having successfully boycotted the Evil Version of DC Comics. And by "successfully boycotted," I mean made a big stink about how horrible The New 52 was while still only reading and judging the company by their solicits and ranting about the racist and misogynistic practices of DC Comics from the various pieces of misinformation they picked up on Tumblr.

New Earth-2 orbits a binary star system composed of a yellow sun and a red sun. That means that Power Girl is fucked. I guess.

Red Suns warp her body and deflate her breasts. They must be flat or the "S" symbol would be warped by the contours of her breasts.

The Sneak Peek ends with Helena Wayne summoning Jimmy Olsen in his new role as Doctor Impossible. He's going to defeat Green Lantern to give Helena enough time to push one single button to start the terraformation. I guess the button is really sticky.

Convergence: Action Comics #2

This commentary will be quite short.

Superman and Power Girl do some stuff and then there's an earthquake and then the story ends.

Convergence: Action Comics #2 Rating: Well, I can't really rate it yet since I haven't read it! So maybe I should read it although I'm pretty sure I just summarized it in that first paragraph.

The issue begins with Power Girl fitting into her old costume even though she supposedly gained fifteen pounds over the last year. It's a costume that I barely remember because it doesn't have a boob window in it. It's the kind of costume that she could wear for many years and then when it is redesigned to show most of her tits, comic book fans don't have a problem with it. But as soon as you try to change the costume back to a non-boob window variant a few years later, the pro-Power Girl's traditional outfit voices come out en masse! How dare DC Comics change Power Girl's outfit for no good reason! I mean, I realize it had changed for no good reason previously and nobody cared. But this time you can't see her gigantic mammaries! Fuck that shit!

As Power Girl flies off to save Metropolis, she's attacked by an Invisible Jet! I guess the "invisible" technology is too costly to stick on the missiles because those are super visible. But Power Girl has Super Vision which enables her to see the contrails left behind by the jet. Hey! I must have Super Vision too because I can see those!

Was this a "she loves me, she loves me not" petal pulling joke? Unless it was a "the turbulence turned the invisible jet into a washing machine which turned Wonder Woman's underwear into a swamp of love" joke!

Wonder Woman bails out of the plane (or simply falls out as it breaks apart. But that takes away her agency which would be unfeminist) and is caught by Power Girl. A single page depicts them crashing through a building and to the ground. That's not the way I would have drawn it. I would have filled about ten pages of close up panels of their boobs rubbing together as they crashed to the ground. I think that would have really ratcheted up the drama and the themes of loss of control that have been permeating all of the Convergence titles. Unless permeating isn't the word I really wanted to use there.

Once the woman and the girl land, Wonder Woman kicks Power Girl in the face, sending her flying miles and miles away where she lands on the barren landscape of Planet Brainiac.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane looks fashionable and upbeat in her beret.

Also, Lex Luthor becomes ruler of whatever country Moscow is the capital of and Joseph Stalin was the leader of. I think it was Communististan.

Power Girl and Wonder Woman's battle devolves into the same thing that always happens when a person from a capitalist country battles a person from a communist country: they make it all about the ideology they inherited from the country in which they were born.

Wonder Woman: "So! You have capitalist pig Wonder Woman in your world?"
Power Girl: "That's right, you communist dog! She's so much better because she actually has plenty of toilet paper with which to keep her beautiful butt clean!"
Wonder Woman: "Bah! Plentiful toilet paper is metaphor for your country's waste and excess! I spit on your toilet paper! Ptui!"
Power Girl: "Oh yeah?! Well I spit on your optimistic belief that people can get along by sharing all resources and looking out for the community as a whole rather than just a few individuals within that community!"
Wonder Woman: "Why you spit on such beautiful belief?! You and your 'video games' and 'comic books' and 'free speech'! It is grotesquerie!"
Power Girl: "I bet you don't even have a word in Russian for 'hobby', do you?! But you have fifty words for work!"
Wonder Woman: "Da! Work is hobby! Is 'da' word for yes in Russian? I forget because I am constantly speaking English in comic book!"

Lex Luthor reminds Joseph Stalin that he has nuclear weapons (or something even more outdated than all the super robotic crap Lex seems to have put together simply to find out about the nuclear missiles) and Stalin is all, "Oh yeah! Good idea!"

Back on the streets of Moscow, Wonder Woman has seemingly defeated Power Girl when the real hero of Action Comics arrives.

It took Superman longer to get here because he's old and flies way slower with his left eye blinking the whole way.

Superman tells the females to stop being so emotional and to think the situation through logically. Wonder Woman is all, "But that's so hard to do with this vagina!" And Power Girl is all, "I can't think with these boobs!" But Superman is able to crack the Illogic Field of their Femininity and convince them of the truth!

Wonder Woman expresses how she feels at a man being right. Again!

Meanwhile underneath Moscow, a mirror image discussion takes place.

Luthor: "My penis is telling me we have to launch these missiles that look like my penis!"
Stalin: "Da! My testicles rage at the thought of people living and loving at my expense!"
Lane: "You guys are idiots! We can't destroy the world to satisfy your male genitalia!"
Luthor: "I don't care! I mean, I can't care! At all! Testosterone eliminating all empathy within me!"
Stalin: "Penis stiffening at the thought of power through violence!"
Lane: "If you guys knock off this display, I'll show you my breasts."
Stalin and Luthor: "Okay."

Actually, Luthor plans on nuking Metropolis even though Lois is completely against it. And since they're married, he's already seen her breasts so that probably wouldn't stop him anyway. But Superman breaks through the wall to stop him using the logic of his fists, the ultimate weapon of mankind! And it works or something. The cities are saved somehow and I think it involves hugs or something.

I already did the closing part about ratings but not the rating so here it is: 5 Boob Windows out of 10.

Divergence: Sinestro
"Who is the traitor in the Sinestro Corps who has set New Korugar on a path to certain destruction?"

Um, the traitor is Sinestro, of course! Duh! Before Cullen Bunn even began writing the story, he just sat down and thought, "What if there were a traitor in the Sinestro Corps? Who would be the last person somebody would guess? Sinestro!" And then he wrote the story.

The Sneak Peek introduces the main Yellow Lanterns to any new readers. It also shows Sinestro is still making his way around the universe trying to save all of the lost Korugarians. Plus the Corps' new home seems to be Warworld so who cares if New Korugar is going to blow up, right? He also keeps mentioning how the Green Lantern Corps fell apart and abandoned its mission and I don't remember anything about that. I remember Hal quit and became a renegade. But I don't remember what happened in the final issue of the Green Lantern Corps! I should probably reread the commentary on that and see if it explains anything. Maybe we're just supposed to assume that everything fell apart because the universe hates them and Hal's gambit of turning into the scapegoat didn't work. How come DC is making me do all of the work in my head to explain this whole "The Green Lantern Corps has dispersed" bullshit?! Am I supposed to assume as soon as the comic book was cancelled that they stopped existing?!