Bat-mite #6

Five issues ago, I thought I liked Bat-mite. Now I fucking hate this little fucker.

About thirteen years ago, I was hit by a car turning left in an intersection where I was crossing with the light. Here is an explanation from an assumed medical professional about what happens when somebody gets hit by a car:

When hit by a car, the vast majority of people are not run over; they are run under. The lower legs break, sending them into the air. They usually strike the hood of the car, often with the back of the head impacting the windshield, "starring" the windshield, possibly leaving a few hairs in the glass. They then go over the top of the car. They are still alive, although with broken legs, and maybe with head pain from the nonfatal windshield impact. They die when they hit the ground. They die from head injury.

I can physically attest to this statement being true even though those things did not happen to me. In my case, at the second or two before impact, I looked over my shoulder to see the car about to hit me. I have no memory about why I glanced over my shoulder. Maybe I heard the car. Maybe I saw the look of fear in a nearby squirrel's eyes. Perhaps God knew I still had comic books to make fun of. Whatever the case, I saw the car just before it struck me. I don't know the make of the car but it was one with the hood long low hood close to the ground. I jumped up just before impact which almost assuredly saved me from breaking my legs. The car hit my right calf, turning my body horizontal as I landed on the hood. I slid up the hood and impacted the windshield with my right shoulder. It wasn't my head because I made sure, even in that short space of time, that I hit with my shoulder. I was then launched into the air and to the side rather than over the top of the car. I helicoptered a few rotations and landed hard on my left hip. I instantly hopped up from the ground and ran in front of the car to make sure the person who hit me didn't make a break for it. A woman who had been stopped at the light near where I was hit told me she saw the whole thing and would be a witness if I needed one. I told her I was okay and would be fine but thanked her. The woman who hit me offered to take me to the hospital but I knew I was okay (okay, so a lot of people say they think they're okay when they're not after accidents like this and wind up dying from internal injuries. But I knew every place on my body that took impact (calf, shoulder, hip) and nothing felt any worse than after having played some tackle football (still, I suppose it would have been better to go to the hospital!)) and she offered to take me home instead. She gave me her card and made me promise to call her if I wound up needing any medical attention. I noticed my pants were torn at the calf where the bumper hit me and she gave me fifty dollars to buy some new pants. And that was it.

I have since learned to not trust signals and I constantly watch out for people turning left behind me now. So I'll probably get hit from some other direction next time. I hope the driver who hit me learned to not try to speed through a turn to beat other cars coming in the other direction so that she never has time to adjust for somebody suddenly appearing in her blind spot. I guess I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't being extremely careless or high on crack. I truly hope the lady who hit me did not go through months or years of worry, wondering when she might get a call from my lawyer or next-of-kin!

That had nothing to do with Bat-mite but I figure I won't have much to say about this issue because it's the final issue. It's not like I'll need to remember what was happening next month!

I don't think the order of the heads has any real significance. It would make more sense if the old jerk said, "And he made himself Washington!" But then I don't know that the sidekick response would be appropriate since Jefferson wasn't, technically, Washington's sidekick.

Bat-mite also turned the Washington Monument into an Aquaman themed water slide, the Statue of Liberty into Wonder Woman, and building a Green Lantern roller coaster in the Grand Canyon. I can't say I disagree with any of that. But--big surprise!--the old government guy doesn't like any of it. He also seems to think the Statue of Liberty is an American woman! He really is a spot-on caricature of government officials! Ha ha! He's an idiot!

Bat-mite also decided to give make-overs to some of the candidates running for president.

Pretty fuckin' sure Bernie already has the youth vote, Bat-mite. And Corin Howell didn't quite catch the awful What-The-Fuck going on with Trump's hair.

I'm sorry! Bernie has the youth vote for youths who actually think and act like youths instead of being little cloned young Republicans. Come on! Those kids aren't natural! They're just desperate for their parents' approval! Although I suppose they could also be a severe type of rebellion from hippie parents like Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties. Whatever the case, they're monstrosities! There will be many years to be grim, wear suits, and natter on and on about taxes! Go have fun! Get in trouble!

Although, let's face it. It's not like they're any less annoying than the Free Speech is a Tool of the Privileged and Causes Literal Harm cenobites who want to watch the world burn one Twitter account at a time!

Bat-mite's next project is President Obama. Although he only has seventeen pages to convince Obama that no matter how many additional people now have health care due to Obamacare, it's still a law that forces people to patronize evil corporations. At least with laws that demand car insurance, I can choose not to own a car and thus avoid patronizing car insurance companies. But I can't stop living! I mean, I can! But I don't want to! It's unethical to tell me I have to give money to corporations whose business is entirely shady and who have fucked up the entire healthcare system through their greed. I am not against universal healthcare! I'm all for universal healthcare! But it should be provided by the government through taxes. We all know you have the money, Mister President! It's just you've decided to use that money for killing and subjugating brown people. I guess that's fair.

While in DC, Bat-mite discovers that a senator named Hardgrave is actually Gridlock! So I guess they're going to be fighting again.

Or watching Galaxy Trek together.

Bat-mite sends Gridlock into the television show where he's happy because nothing ever changes! The end! Except for the other end where Bat-mite is forced to return to his own dimension. Instead of clapping and jumping for joy and jerking themselves off from pure bliss when they hear Bat-mite is leaving, Reagan and Weed weep like babies. Probably like girl babies. Unless girl babies are tougher than boy babies. I have to wonder. Has any scientist ever run an experiment where they had babies of various genders battle it out to find out which ones were the toughest?

Anyway, Bat-mite rejoins the Justice Mites of the Whatever Dimension so they can battle Canceltron. I hope he tears them apart, stupid cherubic-faced Mites.

Bat-mite #6 Rating: No change. Yay! I'm glad this series is over! Not because it was terrible (it wasn't. Not really. It had some interesting ideas and I liked it's defense of change in comic books). And not because I apparently can't stand Bat-mite (at least Bat-mite written by Dan Jurgens). But because it's one less comic book to read! And one less comic book to read is one less comic book to read!

Bat-mite #1

Prank the Legion of Substitute-heroes! Prank them right in their stupid faces!

Here's what I wrote about the Sneak Peek:

In the Sneak Peek, Batman meets Bat-Mite for the first time. And he doesn't like him. I'm not sure I like him either. I don't think Dan Jurgens has the comedy chops to pull this off. I could see this working if Dan turns Bat-Mite into the Don Rickles of the DC Universe (you kids can look him up on Wikilearnstuff). Bat-Mite is off to bug other heroes besides Batman and it seems like, with his meta-analysis of Batman, he'll have the ability to comment on the fandom's issues with each of the heroes. If Dan Jurgens can be critical enough and a bit mean-spirited when it comes to critiquing what other writers and artists are doing wrong, Bat-Mite could be a wonderful comic book! But I know that would go against the spirit of feigned camaraderie at DC Comics! It's probably against the unspoken rules to mention how horrible Ann Nocenti is at writing Catwoman. Although remember when Jeff Lemire, Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette, and Steve Pugh were doing Rotworld? Remember how they turned all the comic book heroes that were currently being written terribly into all the decaying, disgusting Rotworld "heroes"? That was some divinely subtle commentary, that. And maybe a little playful poking. It's hard to say.

Forget Bat-mite being a mean-spirited critic of writers and artists working at DC Comics because this comic book is rated E for Everyone. That means he can't describe Scott Lobdell's writing style as "kidney stones for the masses" and he won't describe Marat Mychaels artwork as "images miscarried stillborn from Marat's mind." Those are more like Teen Plus descriptions! But I guess DC has decided that if you're a silly, wacky character that is probably more out of continuity than in, you should be rated E for Everyone. Other rules at DC Comics for ratings? If you're female or gay or bisexual and have a healthy sexual appetite for sex and sexing, you get a Teen Plus. I guess overly violent comic books whose sole purpose is to display as much on-panel killing as possible have been rated as Teen Plus as well. The only one I can't figure out is Martian Manhunter! Is an addiction to Oreo the stuff of adulthood? Wait! I know the answer to that since I have that addiction! Yes! It is the stuff of adulthood because adults have the means to buy as many Oreos as they want and often rub the open-faced cookies on their genitals before eating the entire bag.

I wonder if I should begin adjusting my reviews to the rating of the comic book I'm reading? I don't want a younger everyone reading about that time I bottomed out on Oreos. At least it's good enough of an excuse for why I'm not telling that story! I don't want the younger kids to begin asking questions like "What is Cookies and Cream Felching?" or "I wonder how many cookies I can fit into my butt?"

The issue begins by showing the reader Bat-mite's balls. E for Everyone is way different than I imagined it!

Two ball and chains?! Bat-mite must have read a Scroll of Amnesia before reading that second Scroll of Punishment.

I don't know what DC Comics considers the age range for E for Everybody but since it includes, right there in the rating, you know, everybody, I'm going to assume the range is from just out of the vagina to just stepping into the grave. Which is probably why it begins with Bat-mite being sentenced in a court of law because everybody should learn about the justice system and how it works to keep us all safe and how it isn't corrupt in the slightest.

Speaking of Bat-mite's balls!

Bat-mite is exiled from his world. The first start of Banishment Tour 2015? Gotham City, of course!

Currently in Gotham, Bat-mite has stolen the Batmobile and is out chasing criminals around in it. As he's doing so, he mentions pogo sticks and then says, "Not that anyone knows what a pogo stick is...." I wish kids today didn't know what a pogo stick was! The fucking neighbor kids spend hours jumping on the squeaky pieces of shit every time we see a sunny day up here in Portland! I just wish pogo sticks were more dangerous! Little bastards! Maybe I should introduce them to stilts?

The criminals being chased by Bat-mite think they killed Batman until Batman shows up in the middle of the road in front of their speeding car.

Batman is not responsible for their deaths if they chose not to wear seatbelts.

Bat-mite appears next to Batman and begins offering him all kinds of Bat-Advice. Most of it amounts to "Pack bigger weapons on your Batmobile!" I'm pretty sure Batman already has guns and other deadly weapons on his Batmobile. Bat-mite just couldn't find the right buttons to push. For some reason, Batman is completely against handguns. But he seems to be okay with outfitting vehicles with missiles and guns and other deadly weapons. He probably has a strict policy to only use them on giant robots and the occasional out of control Martian Manhunter.

The only thing Batman says to Bat-mite is "You." It's possible that Batman thinks he's hallucinating Bat-mite due to being bathed in Scarecrow toxins and Joker gasses for so many years. Also Alfred goes a bit heavy on the ruffies sometimes when he has to keep Batman in the mansion so his boners can mend.

Batman saves the woman in the trunk of the car who miraculously avoided injury when the car slammed into the tree at fifty miles per hour. He boards his Batplane and leaves Bat-mite to be gassed and kidnapped by a thuggish nurse. Her boss tells her to bring Bat-mite to him. Probably so he can castrate him and stick a doll mask on his face and turn him into one of those transphobic, uncanny valley, Dollotrons.

Actually, he's not kidnapped by Professor Pyg even though that's what I wanted to happen beside all evidence to the contrary. You know? Like how the bad guys kidnapping the woman still had their genitals and their regular faces? Anyway, the person that kidnapped Bat-mite?

Doctor Dream, German version! Close enough, anyway. Shut up.

I prefer the name Doctor Traumalama! Then I'd have Nurse Ding and Nurse Dong!

Doc Traum (if you'll allow me to use the diminutives) here was kidnapping the woman in the trunk of the car so she could put her brain inside the woman's body. I'm not sure how Doc Traum's body was going to do the surgery without the brain inside of it but I guess she has superb muscle memory. Or she really trusts her henchmen who must be just as skilled as she is at the surgeries and would therefore have no qualms murdering her during the surgery and taking over her business. I bet it's tough being the leader of a gang of lunatics.

Doc Traum's nurse throws Bat-mite in the dungeon where he stumbles upon Hawkman waiting to be processed. I bet somebody would pay a lot for an Nth Metal Infused body! Although, thanks to the Nth Metal, wouldn't Hawkman's body regrow his brain if it were taken out? Can Nth Metal do that? It seems to be able to do everything else!

Bat-mite, realizing that Batman has been in good hands the last three years, decides Hawkman probably needs his help more. After all, Hawkman has had to deal with writers like Tony S. Daniel and Rob Liefeld. Bat-mite being in charge of him couldn't make things any worse. But Bat-mite learns that Hawkman's brain is shutting down! That means his body will be in total control next issue and Hawkman's body is a violent bugger! I think a big fight is coming up next issue!

Bat-mite #1 Rating: 7 Out-Dated References out of 10. Shall we go over some of Dan Jurgens out-dated references? Yes? Okay! "Great Caeser's Ghost!" Although Dan does point out that the reference is probably lost on the current audience. But this is an E for Everybody comic book, so some of the readers will get it! "Trickle down economics!" "Helloooooo Nurse!" "Nurse Ratched!" Probably some others. I mean, they're not technically out-dated references. But I'm being overly judgmental of Dan Jurgens because he's a robot from the 1980s that somehow can't absorb references too far out of that decade. Hopefully he's getting some upgrades down at the new DCyou! Maybe somebody should consider wiping his hard drive and installing some modern software in him.