Justice League #40

My male gaze is melting!

Just because Hal Jordan dropped by for one issue doesn't mean he should be a part of the Magic Mike cover. He should be replaced by Lex Luthor. Or Billy Batson! Although I super duper appreciate Batman keeping the cowl on. I wonder if he has a teeny, tiny cowl for his cock? I mean, I'm sure it's not that teeny tiny!

The more I look at this cover, the more uncomfortable I get. Not because I'm heterosexual and I'm still slowly stroking my penis! It's because none of them have any nipples! Egads! What is that about?! Did they one time fight The De-Nippler?

Last issue concluded the amazing Amazo story which was just totally mediocre. But it was written by Geoff Johns so I think I tricked myself into believing it was better than it was because he's super awesome at writing big blockbuster comic book stories, right? He's also the Chief Creative Officer at DC Comics. He has "Officer" and "Chief" in his title! That gives him lots and lots of authority! I just wish somebody would tack "Science" onto that title somewhere because Geoff Johns' inability to write believable pseudo-science is wearing on my last pseudo-nerve! Plus he's bad at math.

Anyway, the best part of the last issue was when Wonder Woman flirted with Captain Cold. I hope that relationship goes somewhere!

This issue is a prologue to The Justice League Darkseid War. It begins with Metron pointing out the problems inherent in a comic book company which keeps destroying its own universe in order to fix the universe.

Is this story going to lead into "Negligible Crisis: The Near Crisis to End All Crises"?

Since one more universe shattering death and rebirth will destroy DC Comics once and for all, Metron, like Mr. Belvedere, has appeared to save us all.

Metron mentions the two most evil beings in the universe are going to battle. I suppose he means Darkseid and Dick Cheney. Oh, ha ha! How droll! I made a Dick Cheney joke! Should anybody even remember that political Gollum? He probably slunk off into a crack in the side of Mt. DIA (Denver International Airport) to prepare his next evil scheme.

Speaking of conspiracy theories, last night on the way to Taco Bell (Screw you! I'm not going to apologize for my horrible diet! Although I will get defensive about it and yell at imaginary people!), I was listening to Coast to Coast AM. George Noory was talking to somebody about Project HAARP controlling the weather. After talking about that for awhile, he segued into another thought by saying, "Let's talk about conspiracy theories now...". He then mentioned how some people he knew in Santa Cruz were theorizing that perhaps some other country had weather controlling technology and it wasn't HAARP doing it at all!

Coast to Coast AM's line for "conspiracy theory" is different than most people's.

If he's been around since before everything, who forbade him? Jack Kirby?

So Metron's job is simply to observe and keep track of the universe. I don't know who he works for but I guess he likes his job and the perks are good enough so that he'll break the rules a bit when the end of everything seems imminent. He then interferes to save his job.

Metron tells the story about the first time he intervened to save his job. That was when a war between Apokolips and New Genesis threatened to destroy the very fabric of existence! Probably. That's the only way Metron will wind up bored. If they only destroyed one universe, he'd still have plenty of people to spy on in other universes.

Metron brokered the deal between Darkseid and Highfather to exchange sons. Darkseid would get a mewling little puss named Scott Free. Highfather would get an annoying, crass little shit named Orion. And the wars between Apokolips and New Genesis would...well, they probably wouldn't stop. But neither side would try so hard to kill the other now that the fate of everything would be at stake. And so Metron would keep his job. For awhile.

"One day, Wonder Woman will cup my balls in her hand and I will remember how you act here and now so that I can pretend I am not coming in my pants but quaking in fear!"

Metron continues with the second time he almost became unemployed: Crisis on Infinite Earths. He has to tell this story so that he can tell next month's story because I'm pretty sure one of the "most powerful and evil beings" will be the Anti-Monitor and not actually, as I previously surmised, Dick Cheney.

Metron's third flirtation with the bread lines came when Extant tried to rework history and sell DC Comics by numbering them backwards.

The fourth time Metron almost lost his job was one I never read but I think it must have been Final Crisis.

And finally, Metron was barely able to keep his lights on when Flashpoint didn't end all universes but created an...ahem...Omniverse of 52 new Universes. This time, the universe is barely holding together. Mostly, I think, because the reboot doesn't matter quite as much as DC Comics was hoping it would. Most of the characters barely changed at all and when they did, they just became versions of themselves which had existed at some point in DC's past anyway. And now forty issues into this new universe, it's become apparent that most of the characters have basically retained all of their past histories anyway. It's just that some of the characters from before the reboot are still missing.

So what happens when DC Comics gives their fans a reboot that once again causes their fans to grumble, bitch, whine, moan, and groan? Another universe ending epic happens, that's what! But Metron is determined to stop this next one! Or at least make it so that the fans can be happy with whatever DC Comics comes up with.

Holy shit. Mobius? That explains everything!

So Metron stole the Anti-Monitor's chair and the Anti-Monitor has spent years tearing everything down looking for his comfy chair. That's the same reason that Darkseid has been destroying universe after universe! Because he's looking for a comfortable chair for his gigantic stone ass!

Chairs were never invented on Apokolips.

Metron believes that DC Comics cannot survive another universe ending event which births yet another universe. So he tries to convince the Anti-Monitor to simply retire. Metron should give him the chair! He can cruise the multiverse in comfort and he'll no longer feel like destroying anything. Then Metron can get the Furniture Makers of Qward to design another chair for Darkseid.

The Anti-Monitor has decided he wants a war with Darkseid because he's tired of being the Destroyer. Somehow the death of the New Gods will allow the Anti-Monitor to...I don't know. Not be the destroyer? Whatever. He has help from Darkseid's daughter, Omega. I think her name is Omega, right? Metron is kicked out of his chair and then the next time blurb mentions this story will be continued in DC Comics: Divergence which was available on Free Comic Book Day which I missed because I was out of town.

Justice League #40 Rating: No change. DC Comics has decided that universe ending crises are stupid bullshit that only causes more problems. But what if they had a universe ending crisis that acknowledged all of the previous universe ending crises, thus allowing for all of DC's universes to coexist in one huge Scott Lobdellian Omniverse?! Then that crisis wouldn't be stupid bullshit at all! It would be a magnificent tour de force of tour-de-forcian magnitudes! Comic book readers wouldn't roll their eyes and put their money back in their pockets for this one! They'd have to shell out the big bucks to read this postmodern take on the crisis to end all crises! Oh, Geoff Johns! You're a magical being of pure magic! Like naming the Anti-Monitor "Mobius" thus giving him an instant backstory and a mysterious origin tied to Metron's chair! I'm diddling myself as I type! Now I just need to get my hands on a copy of Divergence!

Superman #40

Why does my copy of this comic book have cum stains all over the cover?

This issue of Superman was written by John Romita Jr. Since he's mostly known as the son of artist John Romita and sometimes known as an artist in his own right, I thought I'd search around to see what else he's written. Not much, really. So I'm just going to assume that he's the best writer at DC Comics and be super extra nice to him. I don't want him to feel bad since he probably already has low self-esteem due to the way he draws noses.

While looking for John Romita Jr.'s writing credits, I discovered that his father did some of the art for the Scott Adams Adventure Game of The Incredible Hulk.

Falling in love didn't help. Bruce would have to get angry some other way!

Hulk remember trademark! Hulk not get sued!

Judging by the picture, I think I could also have farted to break free from the chair.

See?

Enough of The Incredible Hulk Adventure Game! As the Hulk said, "TM!" This is supposed to be a DC Comics commentary so let's get to that because I don't want to get sued by Marvel or shouted off of the internet.

This issue is called "Powerless" because once Geoff Johns decided Superman had a power which would make him human for 24 hours, everybody wanted to write a Superman Without Powers story. I even wrote one!

Powerlesslessless!
By Grunion Guy

Superman was about to learn he had a new power! Everybody reading this story was super excited to find out what it was! Would it be Super Ejaculate?! Super Taste?! Super Magic Defensive Capability?! Super Poop?! No! It would be something even better! He would find out in just a few lines that he could explode by using all of the solar power stored in his cells! But then he would be left human! But since he didn't know that yet, he decided to use his new power! He took a deep breath and bit his tongue! BOOM! Superman blew up! But he lost his power as the power left his body! And he was incinerated by his own power! The end!

John Romita Jr.'s story is more optimistic. In his version, Superman gets to keep his invulnerability. Unless he can survive the explosion by being at the center of the blast which radiates outwards from his body. That's a thing, right? I think movies and television have told me that was a thing! His clothes don't survive though which is weird because remember how his cape was invulnerable to everything? Why isn't his normal suit made from the same material?

Apparently Superman has been flying around the Earth blowing himself up for fun. Who cares about the environmental damage he's doing to the areas where he blows up? Well, I'm sure somebody cares but I can't answer the question. I know Superman and Batman don't. Batman just cares about getting Kryptonian Dingleberries all over his bat plane.

You're a billionaire, Bruce, and Clark is a reporter for a failing newspaper. Stop begging for gas money.

Clark has discovered that he likes being human which is why he keeps blowing himself up over and over. I guess Jimmy Olsen did take him to a glory hole last issue. I actually hope Clark has developed a meth addiction and he's losing his powers to go and get fucked up with Jimmy.

The Justice League decides to test out Superman's powers after they return from one of his timeouts. Just to, you know, see if they return to full force. That probably means Aquaman will sit back and take notes. The team also decides they want to observe one of his FWASHes so they let him blow himself up on the Justice League Satellite. Since Batman is in charge, I'm not worried that something catastrophic will go wrong. It's not like they'd let Wally West do the math on the safety calculations.

Oh wait. The Flash is Barry Allen in The New 52. I just disappointed myself by making that mistake.

After the experiment where everybody gets a nice, long look at Superman's dong, the Justice League head down to Earth for some dinner and a beer. Clark is going to get so fucked up! I hope he doesn't get too drunk and tell Diana how many glory holes he's stuck his dick inside over the last few weeks.

Oops. I guess the entire Justice League doesn't go for drinks. I forgot they wouldn't invite Cyborg because he was black. I mean, underage.

I wonder what blues ringtone Clark uses for Cyborg? Blueshammer? Also should Clark be carrying around a cell phone with his Justice League contacts on it? I guess his secret identity as a reporter is good cover for that situation.

After drinking too much beer (half a pint) and eating too many fries (is that a thing?), Superman wakes up the next morning to a radio report of men with guns going on a shooting rampage in Metropolis. He suits up and heads off to stop any problems by jumping the whole way there. Just like in the olden days! I guess his flight power takes longer to return than his other powers.

Superman defeats the bad guys but gets pretty beaten up during the fight. Witnesses get cell phone images of Superman bleeding from a head wound. Later, Lois Lane sees Clark walking along with a big bandage on his head. Is it time for Lois Lane to finally figure out that Clark Kent is Superman?!

I mean, "finally find out on her own and not know he's Superman because she became the bride of Brainiac and was infected with a Level Thirteen Intelligence and psychic abilities that rivaled Queen Bee and Hector Hammond!" I don't care if she discovers Clark is Superman but she really needs to figure it out using her journalistic super powers instead of stupid psychic super powers.

Superman #40 Rating: No change. A relatively boring issue with some nice downtime character interactions (although Batman maybe was a bit too jokey and Barry was a bit too Wally and Aquaman was...well, actually, he only had two lines so he was perfect). My prediction is that now that Superman has a way to lose his powers, he's going to be powerless in nearly half of all his appearances until writers get bored exploring the possibilities of Superman without his power. I'm going to be sorely disappointed if we never get a Superman fucking Wonder Woman scene where his mind is completely blown by the real feeling of his dick inside of a vagina. He thought sex was awesome with an invulnerable penis! Just wait until Wonder Woman starts squeezing her vaginal muscles around his powerless pee-pee! Actually, that might go south real quick. Hopefully he doesn't regain his invulnerability before the doctors can sew his prick back on.

Batman #40

Who was the Saint who slew the dragon? Wasn't it Galen?

Let's leave Convergence behind for a bit while I finish up all of the Issue Forties that DC Comics couldn't publish on time. I'm off to Sacramento for the weekend to hang out with a bunch of nerds and I'd like to at least read Batman #40 before it's two weeks old. So if any of you are in Sacramento and want to join me for Karaoke on Thursday or Friday or Saturday, drop me a message and I'll ignore it if seems too creepy.

Let's begin with Batman and find out if he's still hallucinating on Super Duper Scarecrow Toxin (mad from the tears and piss of frightened children). I want to believe that what's happening in Endgame is really happening because I love the idea of The Joker being Gotham's personal monster who has been around since the founding of the city. But I just can't buy into one aspect of the story and that's how it all began: with a Jokerized Justice League. How the fuck did The Joker manage to poison the entire Justice League? How did he ensure his toxin could infect humans as well has demigods, Kryptonians, and Atlanteans?! How did The Flash not metabolize it in thirty seconds and either die or return to normal? Why am I asking logical questions about a comic book?!

You know why? Because even when reading a comic book, I want the writer to play fairly with me. And if this story winds up not being a hallucination brought on by Fear Gas, I want it to work because I love this origin of The Joker. And I'd easily let a Jokerized Justice League slide but it just seems like such a big clue pointing toward a hallucination.

The other big clue that the story is all baloney was the conclusion to the back-up story in which we learn that The Joker's origin doesn't matter and will very likely never be known. So why wouldn't this immortal clown living in Gotham for four hundred years be bullshit too? I suppose even if that's true, who he originally was can still be a mystery. But at that point, does it even matter? Knowing what kind of neanderthal Vandal Savage was before he became an immortal, suave, charming, majestic, big-cocked asshole means practically nothing to who he became. Sure, it could be an interesting story to compare the two sides of him. But in the end, do you really care if he was a nice caveman turned into a monster by his new power or if he were always an asshole and when he gained his immortality, all of the other caveman just looked at each other and sighed, "Fucking wouldn't you know it! Of course that dick gets super powers!"

This issue begins with Batman flashing back to the moment of The Joker's creation (well, the previous likely origin moment established in this run of Batman) where the Red Hood falls into a vat of Ace chemicals.

This is the epitome of The Joker. This is what he is. He is the existential creep seeping in at the corners of your supposedly meaningful and happy life. He is the constant nagging of "What if...what if...what if...?" This is why he's Batman's nemesis.

Batman has built his life around controlling the world around him. The Joker occasionally oozes into that world and tells Batman in no uncertain terms that random events are the bread and butter of this universe. Batman is the math trying to describe the universe in just a handful of equations. The Joker is popcorn in a frying pan proving that no matter how much you know about the workings of the universe, you can't determine the final outcome and placement of every kernel sitting in the heated oil.

I fucking hate analogies! They're like how when you want to eat something difficult to swallow, you have to chop it up into smaller pieces that are easier to swallow! But you don't just chop it up so that the smaller pieces are the same as the larger piece! No, you have to take off the skin because that gets caught in the teeth and you have to take out the seeds because you don't want a plant growing in your stomach and you have to throw away all of the bits that don't look or smell very appetizing. And then what you have left, you present to the person that was having trouble swallowing it in the first place and pretend that it's exactly the same thing as the thing they couldn't swallow. But it isn't at all! It's like totally different and cleaned up and morally less ambiguous! Fucking apples are the worst.

The Joker is busy having his big parade. Batman wants to shut it down because parades are garbage! I've never understood why people love parades. One of my least favorite pastimes is sitting in a crowd of people being aurally assaulted by brass sections and snare drums while the occasional horse shits right in front of me. Okay, that just reminded me of the best parts of parades. When horses used to shit right in the middle of the street and bands would have to march right through them if a pooper scooper clown couldn't get to it in time. I think now somebody has invented some kind of horse dump diaper catcher thing. Anyway, fucking parades are the worst.

The Joker's float has a couple of guests of honor on it!

It's the Waynes!

I hope Oswald Cobblepot doesn't recognize Thomas and Martha's skeletons or else he might figure out The Batman's secret identity! You know, because why else would The Joker put their corpses on a float to taunt The Batman?

With the revelation of Batman's parents on the float, I suddenly believe The Joker has a completely different motive for this entire fucking Endgame event. And it makes sense that the story is called "Endgame." Why would The Joker be pissing off Batman to this extent unless he's trying to commit suicide by Batman? It makes sense, right? The Joker goes to enormous lengths to make Batman believe he's immortal and then he completely pisses Bruce way the fuck off. Batman, believing The Joker can take more punishment than he really can (due to all the clues and also to having seemingly survived the gun blasts by Gordon which The Joker probably faked up somehow), kills the shit out of The Joker by accident. Perhaps The Joker laughs like a maniac as he dies because he finally got Batman to kill. Or maybe The Joker sheds a tear because he's just so fucking exhausted and he's so happy to be put out of his misery by his best friend and one true love.

I'm kind of falling in love with The Joker a little bit myself.

The crowd of psychotic revelers is too thick to make it to The Joker's float so Batman has Bane give him a leg up. Bane tosses Batman onto the dinosaur where the fuckfight to end all fuckfights is about to happen.

Except Batman fucks it all up. Once he gets The Joker in his grip, he takes a few seconds to talk to Penny-Two instead of jabbing a syringe into The Joker's spine. The Joker activates some kind of audio system that bombards everybody with laughter. The sound cracks the gas masks on everybody's faces and then The Joker releases a fast-acting toxic venom that will kill anybody not already infected with The Joker's previous toxin. And since The Batman is closest to The Joker, he sucks down the toxin first. But before he dies, The Joker is compelled by Comic Book Law to explain how the game was rigged and Batman was never going to be able to find a cure anyway! Because The Joker's internal Dionesium was tainted! Because the last mining shaft with any left was too deep under Gotham and rigged to blow! Because, well, because Batman is just a huge failure!

And then The Joker decides to remove the Bat-mask so that Batman can watch his city fall with the same eyes that watched his parents killed, the eyes...

We've been waiting for Dick to be revealed as not dead for months in the pages of Batman and Robin. I'm glad it didn't happen there because this was pretty fucking delicious.

Obviously Batman is down in the well getting the Dionesium because The Jeezly Crow Batman should always...ALWAYS...be a step or twenty ahead of his opponent. They don't call him The Batman for nothing!

That made more sense in my head before I typed it.

It seems Batman outwitted The Joker by figuring that The Joker had never shown this kind of healing factor in any other encounter before this. So if he begins with the assumption that The Joker only gained the power since their last encounter, perhaps The Joker discovered the pool of Dionesium after dropping deeper into the caverns at the end of Death of the Family. Batman got a look at the Court of Owls model of Gotham which had tunnels that seemed to agree with the theory. He then dropped his mapping ball into the pit The Joker fell into and he found the location. After that it was necessary to just keep The Joker misdirected. Dick put on the cowl and Batman went to work.

Batman has enough time to get a sample of the Dionesium but not enough time to get out himself before The Joker turns up.

Now we'll get the fuckfight to end all fuckfights! Although this one won't have a really great ass in it.

During the fight, The Joker gives Batman a happy face scar across his back which all of Bruce Wayne's future girlfriends are going to be intensely curious about. And The Batman doses The Joker with something that will block his healing ability. Then The Joker puts out Batman's eye with a playing card and then The Batman bites off The Joker's ear. I think they're both going to have to roll into that healing spring at this point.

A quick word about The Joker finding this healing spring deep in the caverns of Gotham's underground! Um, kudos to you, Scott Snyder! Something needed to happen to give The Joker his face back after Tony S. Daniel had it cut off in the first month or so of The New 52! I'm sure the pool will be destroyed so that it can't be abused after this story. But Batman will probably bring enough to the surface to help Alfred reattach his serving hand. Bruce Wayne can't have a butler with just one hand! What will the other rich bastards think?!

Eventually the two of them wind up exhausted, Rocky and Apollo style. At that point, it's time for another villain's speech except this time to Bruce's face instead of Bruce's Dick.

If this were a David Lynch movie, you'd have to figure all of this shit out for yourself. But comic book villains are nice and helpful!

Batman throws The Joker under a falling stalactite which breaks his back. He begins to crawl to the pool of Dionesium when The Batman gets him in a chokehold and begins playing a game of chicken with The Joker. He beats The Joker by making The Joker fear his own imminent death. He also gets The Joker to forgive Batman which is just icing on the cock. Cake! I said cake!

Now all Batman needs to do is take a quick soak in the Dionesium pool and everything will be as good as new!

Whoops!

Batman and The Joker lie together bleeding in the collapsing cave as Julia Pennyworth recovers the sample of Dionesium to save Gotham. Two weeks later, Alfred is in the hospital and The Batman is still missing. But he left a note which sends Alfred into a long ramble about what it means to be The Batman and how his story will always end in tragedy even when it doesn't have to. The tragic flaw and all that. The note simply says, "HA." Alfred interprets it as Bruce laughing at the void and accepting his death. Or something.

While Alfred rambles, the panels show the outside of the Gotham Royal Theater. At one point, a father and son limp by in shadow: the boy with a hat and jacket with the Robin "R" on it, the father using crutches with bandages on his face. A janitor cleans out the the theater and, in doing so, tosses the Deus Ex Machina into the dumpster. There will be no sudden salvation for Batman at the end of this story.

Batman #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. Well fuck. Alfred doesn't want his right hand back and Bruce didn't want to live. Great story but it still feels like a hallucination since it was about the death of Batman. Although I think Snyder gets to write that death of Batman story without actually having killed him. Comics being what they are, we'll never get a definitive end for Batman. But, as Snyder writes, we all know in our heart that Batman's story is a tragedy and must certainly end, one day, in his death even, as Alfred points out, it doesn't have to. And the final Batman story must always, also, be the final Joker story. So Snyder gets to write his final Batman story without making it an imaginary tale. And having the two month hiatus until next issue lets it feel like an ending. It's the best comic books can do since they're a continuing middle story without an end. But, comics being comics, we even get the glimpse of, most likely, Bruce and Damian walking down the street because the story must continue. Batman probably sucked The Joker's cock using up the last of the Dionesium in The Joker's system and then was dug out of the rubble by Damian who hurt his eye as well!

Addendum on the Possible (probable!) Hallucination Scenario:

Does the "HA." note make more sense if this is a nightmare? I think it does since the "nightmare" is much more like a joke. And something I didn't pick up on until a night's sleep was the whole aspect of equating Joker with death, "the Pale Man." The whole story is about Batman coming to terms with his own death. That's what the Scarecrow Toxin does. Makes him experience his death over and over again. By the final hallucination, the one that must inevitably be about The Joker, Batman accepts death as a friend and welcomes it instead of fears it. I was reading the final conversation as Batman toying with The Joker but he really is in a kind of manic, unstable mental state there at the end. He's elated that he's reached a point where he isn't desperately clinging to life. He doesn't fear for everybody else's safety if he's gone. Dick is there, and the others. And thus the "HA." being both a final laugh at this whole "joke" and also Batman coming to terms with death. He's reached a level of enlightenment and calm that he's not quite had up until this point. And that could be Snyder's "big change" to Batman. Maybe he'll be less uptight come June?

Convergence #3

What is the name of the villain with the knife? Gloryhole? Squick-Lass? Trepansy?

On a planet completely separated from all space and time, a battle to end all battles to end all battles is taking place! Sounds exciting, doesn't it?! Well, that battle isn't the concern of Convergence. Convergence follows the exploits of six lost Twofers tasked with ending the exciting battle before it can come to a satisfying conclusion. What a bunch of jerks! I'm paying four bucks a pop reading a bunch of comic books about super heroes battling to their deaths and these guys are trying to stop any of those deaths from taking place? If they fucking succeed, they'll owe me three hundred and twenty dollars for wasting my money! Then I'll make eighty dollars because I get a 25% discount on all of my comic books! I hope they succeed!

This issue begins with Green Lantern reminding the readers what was happening because it's been a whole week since we read the last issue and how can any of us be bothered to remember shit from last week? We can't even remember shit we texted to our friends because we were talking to other friends while texting and now neither of the conversations filtered into our long term memory. Fucking multitasking! You're ruining our brains! Any time somebody proudly proclaims to me that they're great at multitasking, my brain reinterprets what they're saying as "I will never fucking remember anything you tell me."

Having grown up an absent-minded person, I had to learn early on ways to keep from losing everything I ever set down. One of the first things I realized which helped me immensely was that if my mind was engaged on some task when I set something down, I'd never remember where I set that thing down. I had to train myself to always put things down in the same spot so I would never have to remember where I left something while my mind was otherwise occupied. Of course now if I leave my keys or wallet anywhere but in the place I've trained myself to leave them, they're fucking lost man! Also, you know how when you leave the house you can't remember if you turned off the curling iron or the oven or the home cat crematorium? It's because you almost definitely turned it off by rote. You don't remember that shit because you just do it as you're thinking about the other things you're doing. You're not actively concentrating on it, so it doesn't stick in your mind.

All that is to say multitasking is a fucking bullshit lie told by people who want to appear constantly busy (because that means they're living life to the lifiest!). Multitasking doesn't mean you're saving time. It means you're doing two or more things more shittily than if you were doing just the one thing. It also means that you're not going to retain details of both tasks. You will invariably concentrate more on one task and that will be the one you remember better. Although you'd remember it even betterer if it were the only task you were engaged in.

Multitasking can work though which is why the lie continues to be spread! But it only works in certain situations like if one of the tasks is something a monkey could do, or, you know, something you've done so often that you need no concentration on it. It also helps if one of the activities doesn't need to be remembered. So washing dishes and having a conversation with the man you're hiring to kill your husband is a valid multitasking situation. But having a conversation with your dying mother while texting your girlfriend about that weird mole on the underside of her breast isn't. Sure, you can do it! But you really should be fully present in only one of those situations at a time.

I listen to podcasts while I work because my job is so mechanical. But if a customer messes up my pattern of buffing the floor, I easily forget which aisles of the store I've buffed because I wasn't really paying enough attention to log it into my long term memory.

I know, I know! You're all the greatest multitaskers ever and I'm just an idiot and what I just said doesn't make any sense because you're so fucking awesome at all the multitasking ever! Don't listen to me then! I don't give a shit. Live your life the way you want to live it, man! Also, go read shit from people that completely agree with everything you think because that's fucking healthy.

Back to Green Lantern, here's what he had to say about last issue.

I couldn't even be bothered to crop this scan so that Green Lantern's entire face would show.

Why the fuck does Alan Scott correct himself from "we hope" to "no, we pray"? What the fuck is the difference besides adding a little delusion to your hoping? I can understand hoping to find a weapon. You're actively looking for a weapon and would like it to end in a positive manner. But what the fuck is up with adding the praying to it? Does that add a bleaker tone of desperation to the scene?

Deimos offers to lead the others underground where, I'm assuming, a kingdom of rebels who have escaped Telos's cities have gathered together in some kind of Anti-Telos dome of their own. But then they're attacked by Planet Brainiac's robots! Val-zod is dragged off in a smart web because that seems totally logical. Plus Alan tells The Flash that "at this rate, we'll never fight our way clear of them!" "At this rate"?! How about if The Flash stops fucking slowing down to say stupid shit like "Let's play Need for Speed! Oh look I won! Ha ha!" and just grab all the robots in one nanosecond and leave them on the other side of the planet?

Meanwhile Planet Brainiac threatens the Kandorians because they're the only city refusing to fight. I guess they didn't get matched up with another city then? Because every other city seems to have been matched up with at least one other city that is just dying to go to war! The Kandorians have way too much time to stand around philosophizing. Somebody send an Extremist or two into their midst. That will change their tune from "We're Not Gonna Take It" to some song about fighting and is current so I don't totally show my age.

Not to be (but I'm going to be anyway) pedantic but it's continued exposure to yellow sunlight! I guess this planet being lit by florescent Brainiac bulbs isn't going to help much.

Val-zod is saved by Dick Grayson and Thomas Wayne arriving on the scene in the Bat-Spaceship. But it's broken now because it was only leased for about three pages of use. Hopefully Thomas got more than the Bat-Spaceship from Bruce (like information, maybe?) because what good was the side trip to Gotham if the thing they gained was only used for three pages? Am I supposed to feel the trip was worth it because an obsolete version of Bruce Wayne got a warm fuzzy from getting to speak with a drug-addicted version of his father? The only way the trip was worth it is if we get some flashbacks to the scene of Alfred and Dick dueling with their cocks as they wait for Thomas and Bruce to stop hugging and crying.

Thomas reveals what he learned after visiting one Gotham: "Every city is either on the attack or under siege." I'm going to assume that he visited every other city in the Bat-Spaceship before returning to the other Twofers. Although he must have missed Kandor because they were engaged in their weekly book club.

By the way, Planet Brainiac kills all of the Kandorians because they were all crying like middle schoolers over their discussion of The Fault in Our Stars.

The Twofers decide they have no choice but to trust Deimos and follow him to whatever trap he's leading them into. Batman and Robin decide to stay behind because Batman is out of Miraclo (and Venom too, apparently). Besides, he sensed that somebody followed them from Gotham even though they were in a Bat-Spaceship and flew all around the world figuring out every city was engaged in the war. It must be somebody with an anti-bat ship! Like all of Batman's villains on the cover.

Skartaris must be where Charles Foster Kane went on that picnic.

The Twofers have made allies with the wrong character of the Warlord comic book! Now they're going to be viewed as the bad guys! I'm sure once they get their asses beat by Warlord, they'll turn on Deimos and join forces with the "good" guy.

In the heart of Skartaris, Shakira, Warlord's friend and/or pet cat, is collecting DC Characters with time powers inside a big glass bauble. She's trying to keep them from falling into the hands of Deimos who wants to clear up his wrinkles, I guess.

Back on the surface, Batman and Robin are attacked by a bunch of Bat-villains. Robin is pulled clear by Man-bat which allows Thomas to blow himself up. That kills all of the villains too, I believe. Now I hope Pre-Zero Hour Gotham survives (or whatever Gotham these guys are from) so that DC Comics can begin a Batman comic book with a whole bunch of new villains. What would become of a Batman living in a city that's pretty fucking safe and an enjoyable place to live?!

I think this page was misaligned by the printer.

Convergence #3 Rating: So Planet Brainiac is a little bit judgy, is he? How dare he condemn The Joker! As if he's the worst person to have ever lived! And in every timeline too! I'm supposed to believe the Joker is worse than Gertrude Stein?! Or post-religious zealot Dave Sim?! Or every troll on the internet even?! The Joker is getting a bad rap here. Also is Dick Grayson really paralyzed? How can he become the new Earth-2 Batman if he has to become the new Earth-2 Oracle?! This book is confusing!

CONVERGENCE: AQUAMAN #1 WILL HAVE YOU SAYING "OMG WTF" WHEN YOU GET TO PAGE THIRTEEN ALTHOUGH YOU SHOULD READ ALL THE PAGES AND BUY THE COMIC TOO OR IT WON'T BE AS SURPRISING!

The King of the Seas has a lot of responsibilities you might not have known about.

Aquaman! Aquaman! Loves to suck Dolphin Cock-waman!
Sucks a dong! Any size! Afterward he curls up and cries!
Look out! Aquaman has dolphin cum all over his face!

In the deep of the sea! In the darkness of a trench!
He will lick a pee-pee! In sea cum, he'll be drenched!

I have a joke now from a six year old: "What did the one piece of naan say about a joke that another piece of naan told him? That's naansense!"

Here is a joke I wrote that isn't funny at all. It's an example of jokes that aren't funny because sometimes we need examples of jokes that aren't funny to know what jokes are funny.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Let's rape!
Let's rape who?
Seriously? You're into this suggestion?

That joke is the worst joke you can tell. Here is the best joke you can tell so you can rate any jokes you make by placing them somewhere in the spectrum of the best and the worst jokes ever:

Two men walked into a bar. The first man said, "Rape jokes are never funny." The second man said, "You got that right!" The bartender said, "Amen!" Everybody applauded.

The reason I suddenly had rape jokes on my mind is because Doom Bunny mentioned that guy who wrote the book Wet Goddess about his six month sexual relationship with a dolphin named Dolly. I said it would be interesting to read Dolly's book about the "relationship": A Dolphin's Rape Tale. Doom Bunny suggested Dolly's book should be called "The Creepy Guy Who Sneaks Into My Tank At Night" and Other Short Stories. I think that's a pretty good title.

Anyway, Aquaman!

That is a humiliating attachment.

What's worse than Aquaman? Aquaman with a wacky willy hand attachment! What's better than Aquaman? The Brave and the Bold cartoon version of Aquaman. I don't get how that hasn't become the standard portrayal of Aquaman. It's fucking genius. Somebody finally gave Aquaman a personality other than Stern Undersea King and yet it's seen as a parody or a joke character. From now on, Brave and the Bold Aquaman is the only Aquaman in my headcanon. And my late night masturbatory fantasies.

The couple rescued by Aquaman scurry away hoping not to be noticed by him. I guess he's gone a little bit crazy being separated from his fishy friends for so long. And probably Mera as well. Maybe mostly Mera. Or just the sea in general.

Cat Grant is doing a feature story on Aquaman for Dateline Metropolis because nobody has ever heard of a blog in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis.

"He grants no interviews (get it? Cat Grant?!) so this entire report is pure speculation!"

Aquaman is paying a visit to STAR Labs because somebody needs to mention how he still retains his powers because they're part of his biology. Except for his ability to speak with fish! I was worried nobody in Metropolis could currently talk to fish and now my worst fear has been confirmed! How are the people of Metropolis getting by without an influx of new fish jokes?!

Aquaman's contact at STAR Labs is Dane Dorrance of The Sea Devils! Wow! How did Aquaman get such a huge guest star for his Convergence book?! A real, honest-to-goodness Sea Devil! If I were wearing panties, they'd be around my ankles right now!

And then Planet Brainiac interrupts your regularly scheduled Aquaman is a Schlub joke. Aquaman runs up on the roof and falls in love!

It's like in Elfquest when one Elf recognizes another Elf and is all, "Cskyr?" And the other Elf is all, "Splart?" And they're all, "We can make the babies now!" Aquaman is all, "Deathblow? Deathblow? Why is that name suddenly all I can think about?!"

Meanwhile, Deathblow has taken a field trip to the Metropolis division of the DEO. Was Mister Bones running the DEO back in 1994? Or whatever year Zero Hour took place in? Because Mister Bones making an appearance would be grand! Maybe he's waiting to star in the Infinity, Inc issue.

Deathblow murders a bunch of people because he's such a typical nineties guy! He's got death in his name! And a word used in place of "oral sex"! And he's got a lot of guns! This guy is so cool he's now my favorite comic book character ever! Also I may have never gotten over the nineties.

Oh! And he smokes cigars! He's the tip toppiest, most cat's pajamaiest super hero to ever be created!

Oh! Did you notice how he stepped on that fish!? That was like literary symbolism or something! It means he's gay! It's almost as clever as when you find out Beowulf is gay in that dragon chapter! Of course the really perceptive readers knew as soon as Grendel's mother came around to kill the man that broke her son's heart.

Convergence: Aquaman #1 Rating: I hope Deathblow wins this battle! He's such a badass! I wonder how many people thought of Deathblow as their favorite character back when he first appeared? I suppose anyone who was a thirteen year old male idiot at the time he came on the comic book scene was probably a fan. I know I'm a fan! Although he was more interesting when he was black in The New 52 Grifter! You know, before he was bleached white in The New 52 Deathstroke!

MY MIND WAS BLOWN BY WHO ARRIVES TO FUCK AND LECTURE CATWOMAN AT THE END OF CONVERGENCE: CATWOMAN #1!

Yay! Teen Plus! That probably means Catwoman has sex!

Convergence: Suicide Squad #1 was rated "Teen Plus" because it has a powerful woman leading the group. It might also be because it could get incredibly violent but since the first issue was just Amanda Waller walking around being tough, I'm only speculating on the violence part (okay, Toyman was shot in the face but who hasn't had that dream multiple times?) while I have proof that the comic features a strong woman of color.

I hate that phrase: People of Color. I wish the racists would start using it as an insult so society can come up with a better term for non-white people. While we're at it, can we get rid of "white" as a descriptor? I wouldn't mind being referred to as a pink male from now on. Although if I spend any time in the sun, you'll have to refer to me as an olive male. Sometimes I even look quite like a tumbleweed (that's a sanctioned Crayola Crayon color!) male.

Hey, did y'all know that cancer is a thing and it kills people and that's bad and sad and it would be cool if cancer were stopped?

Whew! I feel like I accomplished something with my stupid comic book commentaries now because I just raised awareness for cancer. Also, sometimes when you walk outside barefoot, you could step on broken glass. Boom! Just raised awareness for that too! I'm fucking Mother Theresa all of a sudden. I mean, I am claiming to be her with vulgar authority not sticking my dick in her vagina.

I derailed my "Teen Plus" conversation! So, um, this issue is rated "Teen Plus" because I'm guessing Catwoman shows an interest in sex. She might even claim to enjoy it. And we can't have young males knowing that women enjoy having sex or their heads will fucking explode. I mean, I just typed the sentence "She might even claim to enjoy it" and I almost orgasmed in my pants.

This issue begins with Catwoman in her purple suit crashing through a skylight because she's a Copy Catwoman! Har har! I'm going to call up my mother and tell her that joke.

First off, who wrote this? Justin Gray? Justin, Justin, Justin. Catwoman is a cat burglar! She's a cat which means she's supposed to be sneaky and quiet. Although it seems like I might be wrong about that. If my cat Pelafina were breaking into a museum to steal some super huge jewels, she'd walk in going, "Hello? Hello? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO?" So maybe Justin Gray got this right, especially for the whole Copycat Joke which I pretended to write but Justin really wrote it without calling attention to it. Scott Lobdell would have put the joke right in a Narration Box to make sure the idiotic readers didn't miss his stupid fucking joke. God, he's a jerk.

Maybe I should scan a picture just to make things more interesting?

Whoa! Those are some crazy big Teen Pluses.

This encounter is taking place before the dome drops. It's just giving the reader a good reason for Catwoman being in Metropolis. "There are sparkly, shiny jewels in Metropolis. Therefore Catwoman was in Metropolis." That's sound logic! Guess who else is in Metropolis according to the next comic book in my stack?! Aquaman! I wish Catwoman and Aquaman would wind up in a relationship. And of course I'm using "relationship" as a euphemism for "sweaty fuck lodge."

Gabe Eltaeb colored this comic book. I've been meaning to write a letter to Gabe for some time. I think I'll do it here and hope he reads it.

Dear Gabe,

Did you love to eat at Fat Albert's and Roma's while at the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley? You were probably so cool that you once had your dick sucked in the Michener Library by Dr. Worley. Although the smell of cow dung in the air probably put you off a bit. Did you ever meet Connie Willis? She was the best. One time at the Sigma Tau Delta Halloween thing, A Little Night Music, Daniel Justice (now a noted author in his own right) read my story "A Really Scary Story" and Connie Willis heard it. So I've written a story that was once heard by a Hugo winner! How about that, Gabe!? I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, Gabe. I guess because I feel a bond with you because you went to the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley and I got drunk there a lot while visiting my friend Doom Bunny. Anyway, cheers!

Yours Truly,
Grunion Guy

P.S. Did you read that part where I mentioned Connie Willis once had one of my stories read to her?!

This issue is called Schrödinger's Cat because why wouldn't it be? All the cool kids love to mention that darn cat!

Anyway, the dome drops and one year later, everything has turned to shit. At least in Suicide Slums. Where, um, it was shit already. So I guess nothing has really changed much at all.

This scene is so sexist. Why are there only guys hunting people for sport?

Remember the days before the internet when you could mention "Schrödinger's Cat" and nobody would know what the fuck you were talking about?! Those were the good old days! When you could know some shit that nobody else knew and sound like a huge big shot at a party where everybody was getting drunk and eventually getting laid while you sat in a corner with all of your esoteric, bullshit knowledge that never once made a single pair of panties drop. Now with the internet, everybody thinks it's cool to know stuff! Fuck you assholes! You don't know what it was like in the Wild West before the internet! You all run around claiming the name of "nerd" and "geek" but you don't remember what it was like to actually be one before it garnered a shit-ton of cultural capital. If you ever want to know what it was like to be a fucking comic book reader before the internet, pick up a copy of Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth and read all that tiny print on the inside front cover. I know the popular, correct, modern way to respond to that now is to point out how bullshit sexist it is because it's written from a guy's point of view. But fuck you and your modern sensibilities! You didn't live through the Nerd Holocaust of the Eighties! It was the worst holocaust ever!

I may have damaged my point with that holocaust hyperbole but I stand by my statement! Because I lived through the Eighties and whatever I went through is obviously more important than anything anybody else ever went through! Duh!

She's talking about sex! And blow jobs! Of the male and female kind! Teen Plus!

She's talking about his cum! Or his socks?

That fucking "Teen Plus" rating! It's got my mind in the gutter! Seriously! Why am I reading a Catwoman comic book and purely thinking about Catwoman in sexual situations (mostly with Batman (and inside a box full of poison))? It's not because she's sexy! It's because she's been sexualized by the "Teen Plus" rating! I'm getting a little bit tired of Catwoman and Batwoman automatically getting "Teen Plus" ratings on their books. Since The New 52 began, comic books with on-panel decapitations have not earned "Teen Plus" ratings but Catwoman and Batwoman consistently have a "Teen Plus" rating. When I see that on the cover, I know it's because of the female lead and her healthy attitude towards fucking (even if no sex takes place in the issue. Like the majority of Catwoman and Batwoman comics. So why the fucking rating, DC?). So right on the cover, before I even have a chance to simply enjoy Catwoman as the individual, non-objectified being she deserves to be, she's objectified. Change the fucking policy of "Teen Plus" ratings on comic books with mature female leads who enjoy sex, DC. Or stick a fucking Teen Plus rating on all of your Batman books, mmkay?

Well at least it wasn't immoral, amirite?!

I love the phrase "looting, lawlessness, rampant amoral behavior." At least (and probably more than) 50% of all the amoral behavior was good shit! People doing things but not caring if they were moral or immoral. But some of what they were doing, by an outside observer who did care, might think, "Oh, what a moral, upstanding person! Doing that thing that is so moral!" While the person doing the thing is all, "Hum de dum dum dum. I'm just doing this thing because I want to. Dum dee dum."

Meanwhile the guy judging rampant amorality because he probably wants more rampant immorality is the current head of Intergang, Mr. Mannheim Steamroller. He's taking control of Metropolis in much the way Tobias Whale thought he was taking over Metropolis. Does Catwoman know Bruce is in town?! I bet she'd like to test drive his new spine.

Catwoman doesn't like how Intergang is extorting the populace of Metropolis (or whatever they're doing. They're criming things up!). But mostly she's simply upset that they kidnapped a scientist that was helping her part of the city, Suicide Slums. She's so rampantly amoral!

Anyway, Catwoman raids Intergang to free her useful friend which is when Planet Brainiac tolls the bell which tolls for you, by the way, since you're asking.

And immediately after Planet Brainiac's message ends, Kingdom Come Batman arrives with his dick in his hand and a lecture in his back pocket. Fucking asshole. Catwoman isn't your plaything, asshole!

Although I do hope they fuck. I'm a romantic!

Convergence: Catwoman #1 Rating: Great issue! Good issue! Decent issue! I'm losing confidence in my review fast! Seriously though before I thoroughly confuse jelyde1, I enjoyed this issue. I guess Justin Gray can write without Jimmy Palmiotti looking over his shoulder, offering words of encouragement, and rubbing his stiff cock on the back of Justin's neck.

Convergence: Superboy #1

Everybody put on their leather jackets in solidarity!

The New 52 Superboy has been a complete disaster. But I don't know if Pre-Zero Hour Superboy was really any better. I'm not one to judge because I never followed the post-Death of Superman story. Every now and then I'd ask somebody, "What the fuck is up with that Steel guy?" Or "Who the hell is that Cyborg guy?" Or "Seriously? Superboy in a leather jacket?" Or "Have the Newsboy Legion returned to keep Metropolis safe while Superman rots in the ground?" And then not long after that, I was all, "What the fuck is up with electric Superman?" and "Red and Blue whatzits now?!"

Seriously. I didn't follow Superman at all. The only reason I collected the DC Comics Presents series was because I liked reading about different characters and that was the best DC Comics book on the shelf at the time to read stories based on a variety of characters. They often weren't the best stories but what could you do? If you wanted well written comic books at the time, you needed to be reading Cerebus and Elfquest.

This issue is written by Fabian Nicieza so it's going to be horrible! Although the last Convergence issue he did, Titans #1, wasn't bad at all. That was disappointing. I hope he tried less on this issue.

For the first time since The New 52 began, a Superboy comic book doesn't begin with "My name is Superboy" and then all that shit about NOWHERE and being a living weapon. Yes, I'm exaggerating. There were a few issues that didn't begin that way. But not enough to matter.

For the last year, Dubbilex and Serling have been running tests on Superboy in an effort to return his powers to him. A full year with no results. This probably says a lot about me and nothing about Dubbilex and Serling but I would have quit after a week. And not even a full week! A work week! Then I'd be out of that lab and off playing with stray cats.

This is why I would have quit after a week. They probably knew all this shit after the first week and now just keep going back over it again and again. Don't they know there are stray cats to play with?!

Does anybody want to buy a slightly used copy of Convegence: Superboy #1? I left it squashed up in the scanner over night and the humidity from my office full of farts has warped it somewhat. Plus it's been read by me and has my DNA all over it, so super find, really! Eventually when science catches up to our imaginations, you'll be able to clone me from my DNA left on a copy of a comic book about a clone! Then instead of waiting weeks for me to type up a commentary about a comic book that you've read only to find I made one joke that wasn't even really a joke but I made a comment about how it was a crappy joke which was the only way you knew it was a joke, you could have your own clone of me sitting around making hilarious comments about the comic books you buy! Although I might say some really racist and sexist stuff as well. And don't introduce me to your mother because I will be getting into those panties.

And when I say my DNA is in this comic book, don't assume I shot a load over Superboy in tight pants. I was jerking it to super straight heterosexual pornography and the comic book just happened to be in my firing range.

Ugh! Why do old people think young people want to listen to them ramble?!

How come nobody has started a Medical Magic Mushrooms movement? I'm constantly bothered by these nagging aches in reality.

The comic book takes a surprise twist when the dome falls and Superboy regains his powers And then Telos declares a competition will take place between the cities he's collected. Oh! I get it now! Why didn't every other comic book make it clear that all of these things were linked together?!

I feel like Luthor now but does everybody all the time have to proclaim that they might see a bird in the sky? Is it that fucking surprising to see a bird fly by? Or an airplane? Who are these easily amazed assholes? And another thing: do people in real life point at shit as often as people in comic books do?

As soon as the dome falls, Kingdom Come's champions instantly infiltrate Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis. Sure, they have The Flash on their side so I guess I'll believe it. But Planet Brainiac leaves the whole competition thing pretty vague. I'm surprised how quickly so many champions know exactly what they're supposed to be doing. That surprise could just come from being a lousy adult that doesn't know how to organize anything. When terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center, I was less shocked and upset by the death and destruction as I was impressed that they could organize something like that. Man, if I were in charge of the world...well, Magic Mushrooms would be medicine, for one thing.

Superboy is ambushed by Red Robin (the Dick one not the Harvest one) who smothers him with kryptonite gas and kicks him in the face. After that, Red Robin suggests that they talk instead of fight. I don't know. I think once you've kicked me in the face, I'm not exactly going to give a shit about your opinions on anything. It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. Superboy might feel differently though since he's probably been punched in the face by Supergirl for no reason on multiple occasions.

Superboy does that tactile telekinesis thing that always sounds a bit pervy to me and knocks some buildings on The Flash and Red Robin. But that's when Kingdom Come Superman arrives to suggest that they work together to save both of their Metropolises. Kingdom Come Superman has an inherent distrust for youthful heroes without patience or any idea of responsibility. Which makes one wonder, then, why he decides to taunt Superboy instead of acting like the adult and saying something encouraging like, "I need your help, Superboy of another world! Will you kick at my side not as a sidekick but as a peer and lover?" Okay, maybe he might want to leave out the lover part since young men are prone to fits of homophobic discomfort.

Superman's line sounds like copy from a NAMBLA pamphlet.

Convergence: Superboy #1 Rating: Not a bad attempt at a Zero Hour era Superboy story. Although I'd prefer not to have Dubbilex telling me what he's thinking the whole time. Get out of my head, telepath! I'd much rather hear Superboy's thoughts about how he can never live up to the legend that is Superman and how he totally wishes he could fuck that woman that he passed by or that other woman that he passed by just now or that woman coming up that he's about to pass by or the other women across the street or the ones he remembered thinking about wanting to fuck the day before and the women that he'll meet tomorrow. Here's a glimpse inside the mind of Superboy who is really Superteenagedboy: "Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex! Meat-lovers Pizza (not gay man meat, of course! Pshaw! Sheesh! Yuck!). Sex sex sex sex sex sex! Popeye's biscuits! Sex sex sex sex sex sex! When am I going to have sex?! Or Popeyes!?"