Convergence #2

The hero of every conflict in which an artificial intelligence tries to start a war: Tic Tac Toe Man!

Between the color scheme and the fact this guy is punching Superman, it's obviously Lex Luthor. More simple-minded people who think they're "with it" and "culturally appropriate" or "another term I just made up for my list" might think of it as a hashtag. But hashtags are stupid retarded. #offensive #insensitive #IsThereAnAcceptableWordToCallPeopleThatBasicallyMeansRetardedButDoesn'tGetMeYelledAt? #semantics

You know whose hashtags I just love to hate? My cousin Jennifer's! But since you don't know her, I also can't stand Scott Lobdell's instagram hashtags. I think he thinks he's funny. But then again, I think I'm funny and I just used the word "retard" so my judgment might be impaired. I'm going to invoke "old man privilege" and say that I can use the word retard in a lovingly curmudgeonly way. Also I'm an old man so I don't know how to "check my privilege." I do know how to act confidently in my own opinions though! Here's an essay I wrote to prove it:

The Way of the World
By Grunion Guy

Have you heard all the things the young people are saying? Boy are they not good at saying things! It's like "slang word" this and "phrase somebody else came up with but they're going to stick with it to sound cool" that! It's like I always tell my cat: "Get an imagination, you freeloader!" And why do they keep ranting about the meaning of the word "feminist"?! In my day, feminists knew their place! I think that place was Sunday morning on cable access shows! And now they're all, "Blah blah equality is awesome!" And the anti-feminists are all, "Blah blah equality sucks, you idiots!" Who are you supposed to believe?! It's like the media says: "Every opinion deserves equal weight and airtime!" Sometimes when I lie down in bed, I can't fall asleep because there's a bit of kitty litter under my back and it makes me super uncomfortable but not quite uncomfortable enough to sweep it out of the bed. Goddamn cat! Wipe your paws off before getting into bed like the person you think you are! Asshole.

Back when I first went to Comic-con, long before all of this Tumblr crap where young people tell you how to behave because you're old and probably have gross opinions and they think old people haven't already been over the same fucking ground they're going over, I took pictures of cosplayers and booth babes! I've got a whole stack of pictures from back then. And guess what, you angst-ridden bastards? Every fucking one of them has the person posing for me because even before you told me how to fucking act, I knew how to ask permission before getting a picture! You sound like a bunch of naive punks! Think you're going to change the world do you?! Well, good! I hope you do! Because other generations before kept trying and some almost fucking succeeded but then the money grubbing asshole parasites took charge and fucked up all the advances! You think Jimmy Carter was an impotent bitch? He was a prince of a man! He knew what the fucking world needed but he was naive to the machinations of the people that wanted power and was manipulated and painted as an incompetent prick by power hungry assholes that fucked up our entire world! War on drugs! Increasing tensions with the Soviet Union! Thank the Ever-Loving Fish God for Mikhail Gorbachev! So many other Soviet leaders would have gone as hard at Reagan as he went at them!

So good luck with your changes, you jerks! Get it right this time! All I ask is that you let me call a few Republicans retarded cunts every now and again! Remember, I'm too old and white to change (and I'm only half-white! But it really oppresses my Spanish half)! I'm on your side! Probably! Although if you're into any kind of religion then you can get your fucking God-fearing ass off of my lawn! I mean, you're welcome to come have an old man beer with me (Hamm's, probably) just don't tell me about Christ or Allah or Abraham or Mr. Hubbard. No, you know what. I changed my mind. Tell me all about them because mankind (or womankind (or dragonkin)) has come up with nothing so interesting as religion! Fascinating! Especially the Mormons! Hoo boy!

And what the hell is up with your music?! Why the fuck is it so good? Calm the fuck down, assholes. We get it! Your music is better than our music. You don't have to rub it on our fucking faces. Although have you listened to "Video Killed The Radio Star" lately? Classic! And "Jesse's Girl"? Brilliant! And anything by Rush with lyrics? Fuck songs without lyrics. I mean, I guess some of them are okay. But I think Beethoven's Fifth would have been easier to listen to with Beyoncé singing about cocks and surfboards or whatever you kids sing about these days. Fucking mostly, I think.

Why the hell does Beyoncé have to have an accent on her name? I suppose if I looked and sang like that, I'd throw a few odd pieces of letter punctuation on my name. "Letter punctuation"! Can you believe some college gave me an English degree?!

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah! The way of the world! It's terrible! Fix it!

Bibliography
The Internet. All the pages of it.
My Rapidly Degenerating Mind. The few parts I could access while I rambled.

Let's read a comic book!

Now I can't even remember if this kid's name was Johnny or Tommy! I'm pretty sure they got it wrong here!

Maybe Babs wanted to name their son Johnny but Dick had really wanted his son to be named Tommy. So once Babs was dead, Dick decided to just start calling his son by the name he wanted. So now this kid is confused because his mother has disappeared, his father keeps ditching him, and he doesn't even know what his name is anymore. Plus I think he's a few years older here than when he was first introduced. I just hope he grows up to be the Earth-2 Tommy Monaghan.

For some fucking reason (because DC Comics has incompetent editors?), the first few pages of this issue recount that time when Twofer Dick Grayson abandoned his son to an unknown gigantic woman obviously trying to hide her face behind some ratty robes. Perhaps the editors realized that hardly anybody was reading World's End by the time this scene happened, so it could use a revisionist telling. At least little Johmmy is allowed to speak this time instead of just silently accepting that his dad was abandoning him yet again.

Part of the revisionist telling of this scene is that Dick tried to board an escape plane with Babs's police officer credentials but was refused because she wasn't with him. In World's End, he was simply refused because only children with mothers were being allowed on board. Fuck the orphaned children, amirite? What a burden!

"We're in charge of rescuing you! Now die!"

At the last second, Barda leans out of the closing gates and says, "Give me the boy. Hurry! I'm hungry!" And Dick is all, "Here! Save hi...wait what?!" But by then it's too late! Barda has taken his son and disappeared onto one of the final escape ships. It blew up anyway which explains why Dick wasn't moaning about having to find his son after he gave him up this final time.

No, the sun was already blocked by Apokolips surrounding the Earth. If you're going to try to woo me with your flowery language, Dick Grayson, at least try to make it less obvious that it's a complete fabrication.

After Dick's reminiscence, he wakes up in a mass of metal pinning him in place. The other escapees from Earth-2 are stuck in the metal morass beside him.

Of course you can hear her! She didn't say you were unconscious! She said you were TKO! And that doesn't mean Totally Knocked Out!

You might not be able to tell by her skin tone that Yolanda is Mexican but she says "home-boy" which is a clue. I think. I don't know. Maybe she's just half-latina. My mother is full Spanish but after living away from California for over fifteen years and living in Portland, I'm pretty fucking pasty. I used to be able to call my skin color olive! Now I'm whitey-white white white. I think that's a Crayola Crayon color.

I think I've been White-Washed!

Planet Brainiac explains to the Twofers that they will be the judges in his contest. Right now, he's pitting the Futures End world against a world "born of a great creator whose time was short-lived but who moved on to serve his purpose on another planet!" Is that code for an artist or writer that only worked for DC for a short time before going to Marvel and being a big shot? Oh, I see! It's Stan Lee's versions of the DC characters (currently living on Earth-6 of The New 52!). I bet they get killed off! 'nuff said!

I know I said "'nuff said" but I should probably replace my supposition with fact: Stan Lee's characters are most definitely and irrevocably slaughtered. Dead. Gone. Fuck you, Stan the Man! Eat it!

While Planet Brainiac is jerking it to his Hungry, Hungry Royale Games, the Twofers break free from their shackles!

Somebody get Jeff King a dictionary opened to the word "pacifist"!

Alan Scott manages to pull power from the planet Telos (even if that doesn't make any sense. Comic books! Alternately: Fuck you!) and use it against Planet Brainiac. He falls long enough for the heroes to regroup and for Dick to judge Batman when he catches him shooting up with Miraclo. He's an old man, Dick! If the Miraclo is helping him to fight and he's helping y'all save lives, perhaps you should choke on your fucking lectures until later. If you all happen to save the day, you can gather up the last of the Twofers, find some folding chairs, practice your holier-than-thou attitude, and have an intervention. Until then, mind your own fucking business. You don't see him telling you how to raise your son!

Although maybe he should. Father of the year he wasn't. But better than you? Oh yeah.

Planet Brainiac reforms and points out that he did tell them that he was the planet. So, you know, they're going to have to destroy the planet to defeat him. That gives Val-zod an idea! Maybe if he punches him in the face, he can defeat him!

Surprisingly, that doesn't work. Sigh. Remember when Val-Zod used to think violence was useless? And remember that time, just previous to this, when he was shown that violence was, once again, useless? And now his big plan is more useless violence? Did the editors at DC forget to give Jeff King notes on who this character was?

At least Planet Brainiac realizes the futility of Val's violence and decides to go enjoy his game somewhere in peace. He sinks back into the ground and leaves the Twofers to whatever idiocy they can come up with next.

I get that Green Lantern derived his powers from the Parliament of Earth and his relationship with the planet. But that does not mean his powers are derived from any planet he visits. Of course, it doesn't mean they don't either! So, yay!

Alan Scott's Green Lantern will be a much more interesting character if he derives different powers depending on the planet he's on because his powers come from the planet. Of course that would only be interesting if he does a lot of space travel which I don't think the Justice Society did much of. If, you know, they could help it.

Alan Scott learned that Planet Brainiac fears something and that something has to do with a ruined city nearby and an underground kingdom (or something). Flash, Superman, Green Lantern, and Yolanda head off to investigate while Batman and Robin run off to a nearby Gotham to recruit some allies. It's another chance for Bruce to meet his father!

Why the fuck do they need you? So you can write a shitty article about their experiences when it's all over?

Batman and Dick infiltrate Gotham and Thomas is able to find the Batcave. He disappears to search the place while Dick meets Barbara Gordon on Skype and Alfred in the flesh. Babs doesn't get a good look at him and Alfred doesn't seem to recognize him but he did give Dick Barbara's name and mentioned Bruce built this cave, so he must have an inkling that this Dick is a Dick he can trust.

Meanwhile upstairs, a meeting between father and son took place. It might have been interesting but half of it was blocked by Dick Grayson's speculating Narration Boxes. Dick didn't have access to the images but we, the readers, did. So how about giving us access to the conversation as well instead of Dick's fucking audio commentary track? Especially since his stupid track was more about his guilt over ditching his son than about Batman and Batman's meeting.

The other group of Twofers stumble upon the bodies of the Justice Riders and a bunch of Thanagarian feathers. Yolanda cries because that's the appropriate social reaction when faced with the senseless death of others. I'm going to file that away in my memory banks so I can act appropriately if this ever happens to me.

There are words! She just said some of them!

Back in the Batcave, Bruce gives Thomas and Dick the keys to the Batmobile so that they can do their part in saving all of the cities. After they leave, we get a full page of Batman standing stoically without his cowl. It is not marred by Narration Boxes. It's everything that the meeting between father and son could have been if Jeff King had kept from over-writing the moment the way he did.

One of the best things about comic books is that they don't need to tell the reader how to feel. The art can do just about all of the heavy emotional lifting without being pedantic or patronizing. I really wish more writers utilized the medium and realized what it can do and how powerful it can be.

Green Lantern's group finally comes to the ruins of the city they were searching for where Alan finds an old Court of Owls' mask. They also rescue a man calling himself Deimos who tells them he can help lead them off of the planet. Since Alan Scott mentioned Planet Brainiac's fear stemming from something beneath the surface of the planet, could he then be talking about Skartaris where Travis "Warlord" Morgan lives? Maybe Planet Brainiac lost control of that city somehow? But if so, Deimos is the enemy of Warlord, so is he just going to use these heroes to try to defeat Warlord and take over Skartaris? Or maybe something else since I really don't know anything about the comic book Warlord and am just relying on the Who's Who entry from 1985!

Convergence #2 Rating: Minus Plus Double-Bad-Good. This comic book has a lot of writing problems! But they're of the type that I'd probably tend to ignore if I weren't writing a commentary on the book. I'd probably just read it and get giddy whenever some old character makes an appearance (like Red and Blue Superman!). Then I'd probably set it down and forget about it until Convergence #3 next Wednesday. So all in all, it won't be a classic but it was a comic book! And if you're interested in comic books, this was one of them! You should pick it up! Or pick up Saga! That's a comic book too!

Convergence: The Atom #1

"You had an Atom on you but I killed it."

As I picked this comic book up to scan it, I got my first real look at it and thought, "Ugh. Steve Dillon!" Then I checked the artists and didn't see Dillon and thought, "Oh, guess not." But then I pulled the comic out of the scanner to get a good look at it and saw Steve's name under the hand. I'm glad he's just the cover artist!

My guess when they began casting for AMC's Preacher was that they were going to match actors with Glen Fabry's covers. If they went by Dillon's art, they could just hire a bunch of clones and put different wigs on them. But then I decided to do a search to see if they've cast anybody yet and found that they have cast Jesse Custer and Tulip O'Hare.

Elizabeth Perkins has the exact shape of the one face Steve Dillon can draw!

Compare Elizabeth Perkins to the shape of the face on the cover of The Atom! Flatten the bottom of Perkins' chin a bit and they're nearly identical! Then when I saw a picture of Dominic Cooper, my mind was blown!

It's like I'm reading the comic book all over again!

My biggest regret when I'm on my death bed will probably be how there won't be enough time to list all of my regrets. All those people who die with the words, "I have no regrets!", on their lips are lying, soon-to-be-dead assholes! Even if I only had a few regrets to mention before death, nobody would be able to understand them through my incessant scream-weeping.

This is my last issue of the first week of Convergence! Soon I'll be able to read about the next Multiversal Thunderdome Match-up! Then I can grow steadily more and more bored with that one!

According to some nobody on the streets of Gotham during Speed Force #1, The Atom has gone crazy. Probably because he couldn't impress the ladies with that trick he does with his penis and his growing powers.

The issue begins with some kids trapped in a collapsed warehouse and The Atom arriving on the scene to save them.

They're less than thrilled about it.

The kids hope The Atom can help by going to get somebody who can help. But The Atom has a trick up his sleeve! Or in his glove! Not in his pants, asshole! He seems to have retained the power to make his hand grow! He digs the kids out with his elephant masturbating hand and then creeps them all out by trying to touch them with it. They take off while The Atom continues to speak with a voice in his head. Since this is the Ray Palmer Atom and I know Ryan Choi is supposed to be in this too, my guess is Ryan Choi is stuck as a teeny, tiny person inside Ray's brain. As for why just his hand grows? I don't know. I'm sure it's symbolic of some issue. Probably an onanistic issue. Not the real definition of "onanistic" which is pulling out during sexual intercourse which I'm surprised is in the dictionary judging by the way people have come to use it to mean having to do with masturbation which is the second dictionary definition and the way I just used it! Thanks, dogma, for making shit up that isn't actually in The Bible but which everybody now believes. Ignorant fucking priests just trying to control everybody through lies and misrepresentations of The Bible's text.

After rescuing the kids, Ray Palmer jumps in front of a news microphone to remind everybody that Slade Wilson is a dick. Slade Wilson just happens to be at home watching the local news which really causes me to lose respect for him. Watching the local news is the worst sin he's every committed.

Slade Wilson in his "disguise."

Wilson throws on his old costume so that people on the street will recognize him and stay clear as opposed to how he's pretty sure that out of his costume with his shaved head, they don't recognize him at all even though they all stay clear of him anyway. He hunts down The Atom and tries to blow him up. I bet Slade Wilson has a heart attack during this fight. Isn't he just an old man without his regeneration?

The Atom's imminent death is interrupted by Planet Brainiac's poem about how there can be only one city. And then The Atom is teleported out of the city to face Barracuda, one of the Extremists. I guess the editors at DC didn't really care how each writer got their chosen hero into battle with their chosen antagonist because the story reasons have been all over the place. Some were chosen. Some just happened to be attacked. Some have been transferred to a different location to fight. Some have just blundered into battle. At least according to Batgirl and Harley Quinn, lists of champions were provided to the city. I bet more of the process will be explained in the weekly Convergence title.

The Atom takes a moment before getting swept up into battle to see if Barracuda wants to join forces to take on Planet Brainiac. But since Barracuda is a bad guy, and a stupid one at that being that he's one of The Extremists (they aren't very smart, for the most part), he'd rather just kill The Atom. After that, he can just sit back and wait for the rest of The Extremists to win their battles.

Ray Palmer defeats his villain before the second issue even begins! I bet because the real battle will be with Deathstroke! Also, he's got to spend a lot of time finding out why Ryan Choi was living inside of his hand all of this time.

Ryan must have felt really awkward when Ray would masturbate.

Convergence: The Atom #1 Rating: Just because The Atom's hand can enlarge, why does it automatically make me think about masturbation? I might have a problem! I think you know when you've matured and become a real adult when you're not constantly snickering about masturbation. Not that I don't think masturbation isn't a serious subject! Masturbation itself isn't funny. It's an activity that everybody should engage in. If you want to please your future life partner (not to mention the dozens of sexual partners you'll have before you find your future partner), you really should know what pleases you. That advice might be more towards women since strong breezes will please most men. Some people think that masturbating steals your chi and destroys your creative energies. But I think masturbation clears your mind! Do it in the morning and you'll have several free hours where you won't be constantly thinking about sex. Unless a super hot person bends over in front of you while in the office or while getting your morning coffee. Then, of course, you'll have to go masturbate surreptitiously in a public bathroom. Just to, you know, get your mind right again.

It's after a summary like that when I get the most people asking me what I really thought of the comic book. But the thing is, you don't really care what I think about any of these comic books. What does my opinion matter? I'm just a big dope that spends an inordinate amount of time reading funny books that I barely even care about! My opinion is worthless! Better I just talk about self-pleasure.

Convergence: The Question #1

Am I remembering correctly? Renee was into hot stripper butt action, right?

I don't have anything insightful to say about Renee Montoya or her history as The Question or Greg Rucka as a writer. I read the collected "52" series years ago while not reading any other comics except trades of Fables and Walking Dead. So that series informed most of what I knew for a long time about DC Comics in the years I wasn't reading them. The only other thing I knew during those years was that the Green Lanterns kept getting sucked into one crossover after another and the series probably didn't pick up a new reader for six or seven years because it was so fucking convoluted.

Maybe I'm wrong about that. But what kind of fucking American would I be if I went around expressing wishy-washy opinions?! If you can't be intelligent, correct, well researched, or witty, be adamant! America!

This is the exact opposite summation about Gotham that we got from Roy Harper! Roy must live in a gentrified neighborhood.

Two-Face is currently kicking the shit out of three people guarding a safe in a pharmacy. The place has been cleaned out because I guess some people in Gotham (the middle class ones!) continued to pretend like nothing was wrong and kept going to work while other people (the poor ones!) robbed the shit out of everything and some people (the rich one!) continued to put on a bat suit and run around all night. I wonder how long it took for all of the condoms to be stolen? Does Planet Brainiac supply condoms because I feel like those are a necessity.

I bet Harvey Dent would be surprised to find out he's dead! That's another reason this universe needs to exist. That McKillallthethings girl hasn't quite caught on like she should have. Maybe she should start a gang with The White Rabbit. Holy shit! I'd read that comic book! Fuck it. I'm going to write that comic book. But I think I'll write it as a comic strip. And I'll probably just write like three strips. Who am I kidding? If I write and draw one strip, I'll be surprised.

Maybe Renee Montoya could be part of their gang. The Question, Two-Face, and the White Rabbit. I can call the comic "What's up, Doc?" Is Erin a doctor because the name doesn't really work otherwise.

Speaking of Renee, she's getting help from Two-Face. Probably because between the two of them, that makes two faces! Well, not right now it doesn't. But you know what I mean!

I guess something happened to her dad!

Montoya delivers the morphine to the hospital and her father gets the first dose because fuck all the children that probably need it. She risked her life and, more importantly, had to look at the gross half of Two-Face's face to secure the drugs.

Renee is living with Helena Bertinelli. Not the Helena Bertinelli that wants to be smothered by Dick Grayson's ass! That's the reboot version. This is the one that is the other one! She's concerned that Renee is working with Two-Face.

So she keeps asking the only real question too? "Who am I?!" I guess The Question only manifests in insecure hosts.

As The Question, Renee goes out to visit Two-Face who is undergoing his ritual of making one of the most important decisions that a teenager can make. Of course he lets his coin decide and it, once again, decides he shouldn't shoot himself in the good half of his face. He'll have to wait until Barry Allen fucks up the timeline before his coin will fall the other way.

Harvey's coin has been coming up non-scarred side ever since the dome covered the city. I guess probability has taken a turn toward the predictable here on Planet Brainiac. Or maybe Planet Brainiac is just providing Harvey with what he needs. If you always know the coin is going to come up heads, doesn't that mean you're in control of every question you ask it? I suppose that would be true if he didn't project the good choice on to the non-scarred side and the evil choice onto the scarred side. So really he's just been forced to be a good man for the last year.

And then the voice speaks and Harvey decides he's ready to take part in Multiversal Thunderdome and he wants to lose. He flips his coin, it lands scarred side up (or he pretends it does and makes his own decision because he's free of the dome), and knocks Renee out. She comes to later with The Huntress standing over her with an "I told you so" and a surprise. She brought a friend to help stop Harvey.

This issue just went Teen Plus!

Convergence: The Question #1 Rating: "One inevitable conclusion"? Three way, right? Is that the inevitable conclusion? That's the inevitable conclusion I'm always looking forward to. Convergence: The Titans #2 will be Roy, Kory, and Donna in a big naked heap. Convergence: Superman #2 will be Lois, Superman, and Flashpoint Superman in The Phantom Bone. Convergence: Speed Force #2 will wind up with Fastback, Barry, and Diana performing a three way quickie. The other titles I don't believe will have three way sex at all. They're all going to have four way sex! Two Hawkmen, Nightwing, and Oracle. Steph, Cass, Tim, and Catman. Batman, his son, Red Hood, and Scarlet. Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Catwoman, and Captain Carrot. Aquaman, Mera, Zatanna, Supergirl, Jesse Quick, Congorilla, Jade, and Vixen. Oh! I'm looking forward to that one the most!

Convergence: The Titans #1

If fans picked this book up hoping Roy Harper would finally be written as a likeable character, then they probably missed the small "Nicieza" down in the lower left.

It's been some time since I truly trashed a comic book. Sure, I have continued to point out how ridiculous Klarion has been or how mind-numbingly boring Sinestro is. But in recent months, I haven't lost my fucking mind over things like mistaking Antarctica for the Arctic. And I didn't just lose my mind once because of that! One writer didn't just one time mistake one of those for the others! It happened on a constant basis during the whole Culling "epic" which is an error so amateurish that I thought I must have been reading fan fiction.

Oh stop it, you fan fiction writers! Stop being so fucking sensitive! I'm not insulting your fucking writing! I'm just pointing out that it's of an amateur variety. If you mistook Antarctica for the Arctic, I would read it and think, "That would probably be corrected on a later draft if this story is even going to get a later draft which it probably isn't because it's not being written with a paycheck in sight but as just a part of the enjoyment of the fandom." Remember a professional piece of fiction has editors and proofreaders and people being paid a lot of money to make sure the fiction they're publishing isn't a complete embarrassment to their company. If you want to write a piece of incestuous fiction about Dream receiving a blow job from Destiny as Destruction licks Destiny's asshole, the only person you're embarrassing is yourself. And me if somebody catches me masturbating while reading it. But probably just you because I have a lock on my door. So when I compare The Culling to fan fiction, I'm just saying that...well shit. I just realized what I did. I owe writers of fan fiction an apology. The Culling was fucking awful.

Anyway, I could chalk up the whole Antarctica/Arctic thing to a couple of idiot writers like Nabian Ficieza or Lott Scobdell or Dom TeFalco (I'm using code so when their mothers Google their son's name to feel pride in their accomplishments, they won't find this bit where I metaphorically shit all over them). But then in Snott Scyder's Superman Unchained, the mistake crops up yet again! Now I've got to believe that all of the editors at DC Comics decided Geography was a bullshit subject so it was the perfect class to ditch so they could smoke dope underneath the bleachers and read Marvel comic books.

I remember Spider-man was my favorite superhero at around six or seven years old (I mentioned Marvel Comic books and now I'm talking about those! Keep up!). But then I tried reading a Spider-man comic book and I had to put it down because even at that age, I was all, "Jesus fucking Christ, Parker! Stop being such a pussy!"

But this is about The Titans! That's a comic book I really liked when I seriously got into comic books at about thirteen or fourteen. Although when I read it, I often thought, "Jesus fucking Christ, Dick Grayson. Stop being such a pussy!"

"You have to grow up or choose not to." Never before has one man so quickly thrown his hat into the ring of philosophy and immediately threw his back out, collapsed in pain, and gave up immediately.

I probably shouldn't make fun of Fabian Nicieza for that bit since it actually kind of makes sense. I have chosen not to grow up. But not in that stupid ass fucking "look at how silly and young I am" kind of way that attention seeking assholes favor. I mean in the way that I simply refuse to participate in the obligations that society tries to inflict upon adults. Yes, I pay rent and bills and have a job. But when I drop off my rent, I leave a flaming bag of dog shit on the property manager's porch. And I piss on all of my checks before sending them to the bill collectors. And I treat my job like an afterthought which is probably a huge mistake because when my business finally crumbles due to my lack of care and maintenance, I'm going to be forced to grow up! Although I have grown up in all the important ways like having had sex at least one time (or close enough to count, probably) and knowing how to turn on an oven.

To get a picture of what a lousy adult I am, here's a recent Google Hangouts conversation I had with my super grown up (or at least faking it really well) friend Doom Bunny:

Doom Bunny: "You hate people more than anyone else I know. How do you go through the day without punching somebody in the face?"
Me: "I don't interact with anybody!"
Doom Bunny: "That seems like cheating" [He didn't use punctuation like a lazy asshole!]
Me: "Refusing to play a game you never wanted to play in the first place is not cheating."
Me: "I'm going to have kimbap for lunch! That means I have to talk to somebody! I hope I don't punch them in the face."
Me: "You know what else keeps me from punching people in the face? I'm a pacifist!"
Me: "Also they're not real so why be bothered by them?"
Doom Bunny: "What's kimbap?"

I'm going to apologize to Fabian Nicieza right now before blasting him for being a shitty writer later because this was actually a good opening. I just realized the Narration Boxing was Roy Harper's. So it's just as inane and irritating as I'm used to after reading three years of Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper. So good job on capturing the shittiness of New 52 Roy Harper, Fabes!

Except this isn't New 52 Roy Harper! This is Preboot Roy! I'm taking back my fucking apology! You're the worst, Fabes!

Hal: "He's abusing heroin, Ollie." Ollie: "What?! Roy! You told me you were diabetic!"

Roy Harper goes over his past as quickly as possible because this series is only going to be two issues which isn't enough to cover his entire history beginning with his heroin use. That happened before I was even born! So he goes over the heroin part and then the recovering addict part by saying, "Heroin addict. Recovering addict." Wow! Kicking heroin is easy! I'm going to try some later.

He left out the most important part: Soulpatch.

The "and then..." bit leads into the part of his story where Lian is crushed by falling rubble. Roy then Narration Boxes: "Is there a word to describe someone who loses a child?" Careless?

At least going over his history this quickly gets him right into the part where the dome covers Gotham. Although in his story, Starfire crashes into the clock face of Barbara's apartment because her flight gets turned off. I guess Kory wasn't actually flying in Nightwing Loves Oracle #1. She must have been leaping off of the roof of a building and catching on to Nightwing's rope. And because of their sexual history, it didn't cause Nightwing to crash out of the sky. They totally know each other's moves.

With all the super powers turned off, crime dropped in Gotham. Although since when was having super powers ever part of Gotham's criminal arsenal? Anyway, things calmed down. That let Roy feel less useless because now super heroes weren't needed and he didn't have to constantly eat his spleen about having given up super heroics. So he got a grant from the Wayne Foundation because, even though everybody is now sharing everything under the dome, Roy still needed money to open up Lian's Place for displaced families.

I've been avoiding discussing what happened to the economy of these domed cities and I will continue to avoid it even when one of these stories spits it into my face with a moment like this. How many businesses were ruined by loss of contact with the outside world? How are the banks supposed to have access to enough physical funds for everybody now? What would anybody need money for? According to Harley Quinn #1, drugs are running out and people are still working jobs that probably don't fucking matter anymore (for a full year?! What the hell?). According to Nightwing Loves Oracle #1, lots of types of food is running out. According to Superman #1, Lois Lane is still writing articles and Superman is still stopping crime. According to Batman and Robin #1, The Penguin is still trying to make money by controlling the means of production within the city (although isn't everything the city needs provided for by Planet Brainiac?!). According to me, I don't want to think about any of this shit!

Aha! The economy is now based around pornography! I bet Troy Photo Studios now rivals Wayne Enterprises!

I don't know why Donna and Kory can't hear Planet Brainiac's speech. I guess Roy needs them to look outside so they can read his words floating in the air.

Kory and Donna have their powers back. It's a good thing this comic book didn't begin with Donna Troy narrating it because there's no way she'd explain her history in just two pages. The three of them have the most natural conversation Roy, Starfire, or Donna Troy have had since the Reboot. So that's one check in Fabian Nicieza's win column even though the Donna Troy part of that last sentence is a gimme.

Is that a pedophilia joke?

Arsenal heads into his Arsenal Cave which he built using the Wayne Foundation Grant because fucking displaced families can take care of themselves, fucking layabouts. I'm not going to ask any questions about how he accomplished it. Arsenal can build anything and Planet Brainiac provides are the only two comic book things I probably need to know! Roy's computer system rivals the Batcomputer for keeping him abreast of everything going on in the city. Now he sits before it to wait for something awful to happen. Planet Brainiac did mention fighting to survive, after all.

What voice?! You heard it before they did! You might have missed the second half which they apparently heard but asking Donna "What voice?" after hearing the initial proclamation when the dome fell? Stop being an idiot, Roy Harper! Don't forget: you are Preboot Roy Harper! Now act like it!

I hope Troia (does Donna still call herself that? She's got the Troia costume!) and Starfire have to battle Yankee Poodle Dandy and Pig Iron!

Nope. They get to fight more of The Extremists! And they get the more interesting members of The Extremists! Probably because these are the more powerful members with crazier powers that Batman and Robin might have a bit more trouble dealing with.

The Sabretooth ripoff just has to bring gender into it! He should actually point out how the Doc Ock look-a-like is a loser because he's a fucking Doc Ock look-a-like. Who is also fat. Come on! It's pertinent! He makes a bigger starbolt target!

After Lord Havoc incapacitates Kory and Donna with his Doctor Doom Blasts of Doom and Sloppy Vagina Face discusses chess like the pretentious twat he's trying to look like, Gorgon scoops up Kory and Donna in his Octopus arms and makes some more sexist comments. They're really, horribly sexist unlike my sexist comments which are simply sexist-lite, so you should concentrate on how horribly sexist he is and not on anybody else that might seem to be sexist but totally isn't at all. Scout's honor!

Boy scout's honor! Not girl scout's honor! Let's not get crazy! If I want honor, I'll go to the Boy Scouts where they learn how society works like how women in short skirts were asking for it and how to make wooden cars that go fast due to gravity and how gay people are not qualified to keep children safe in the woods. If I want cookies, I'll go to the girl scouts. Actually, I'll just walk past the girl scouts desperately trying to sell me cookies to support their organization so I can enter the store to buy Oreos.

What a pig! Also he's sexist!

Arsenal saves the day because he's a man, natch. But that's when Dreamslayer kicks over the chessboard and tells everybody that they're playing checkers now. Then he realizes that he probably should have just swept the pieces off the board since now he has to pick up the board so he can set up the checkers.

What I'm trying to say is that he brings Lian back to life and offers Roy a choice. If he kills Donna and Kory, Dreamslayer will let him have Lian back. Although that supposes that he can actually kill Kory or Donna with his dumb arrow. Plus he might want to take into account that this guy's name is "Dreamslayer." That doesn't sound like the kind of guy that makes your dreams come true! Plus his face looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.

I've never actually seen a vagina but I have consumed loads of Sunny Delight in my youth, so I think I know what I'm talking about. I used to drink Sunny Delight before all the cool people I know told me that it was gross and then I was all, "Yeah, yeah. Totally. I never drink that shit."

The issue ends with Roy's cybernetic, double-barreled wrist gun's barrels turning, one barrel each, towards Kory and Donna. Then the barrels say, "Kra-KOOM!" and light explodes out of them. But then the page says, "To be continued!" So I don't know if Roy actually shot Kory and Donna's faces off. I'm going to guess not. Plus Lian is probably real and they'll save her anyway because one of the fans' demands was to bring Lian Harper back. And DC Comics was all, "Anything you want, fans! Except all that other stuff you want! Plus all this stuff you hate! But you really want this, right? Well, now you have to shut up and love us!"

Convergence: Teen Titans #1 Rating: You suck, Fabian Nicieza. You especially suck because I wanted to get super duper angry at this comic book and relive my hyperbolic anger days! But instead you went and wrote a story that improved Roy and Starfire and Donna. At least by their New 52 standards! You actually caught, as much as you could in one short issue, the feeling of friendship I remember between these characters back when I was reading The Titans in the nineties. Or late eighties. Whenever! So congratulations, you stupid asshole, on ruining my day by actually writing a decent comic book. Dick.

Convergence: Superman #1

Sideburns ain't nuthin' but face pubes.

Let's find out why Superman was in Gotham just before Flash fucked up everything with Flashpoint and caused Superman's timeline to cease to exist. I bet he's sad and angry that Lois was in Metropolis and now he's had to live without her for a year. And he's probably angry at Batman because I'm sure Batman was the one that convinced him to come down to Gotham for the day. On the plus side, Clark Kent's biggest competition at the Gotham Gazette is Vicki Vale! And her writing is shit!

Hopefully without his super-metabolism, Clark Kent hasn't gotten super fat. I'm surprised Wally West wasn't four hundred pounds since he's used to eating about twenty thousand calories per day.

It turns out Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen are also trapped in Gotham. Go figure! I guess since Pre-Flashpoint Gotham is going to be the city that survives (either that or every city will survive because somebody will teach Planet Brainiac about Tic-Tac-Toe), DC Comics had to pack it as full of Preboot characters as they could manage. And even though Gotham is full of completely capable Bat-Kids and Bat-Adults and Bat-Cousins, Clark Kent has decided the streets need him to protect the city as well, with Lois Lane as his Oracle.

I wish Bruce could have forced him to wear the Robin suit!

Superman regains his powers right before he's blasted with a flamethrower. Good thing Telos must be around a yellow sun! Oh wait, Telos is outside of space and time. Good thing Superman was still full of solar charge! Oh wait! He was human for a full year and couldn't have recharged! Good thing this is a comic book then!

Lois, Jimmy, and Clark were in Gotham for a news convention. Come on, Dan Jurgens! You could have come up with a better reason than that! Maybe they were in town to dig up some information on some communist spies smuggling nuclear secrets out of the country! Or perhaps they were in Gotham to attend the movie premier of Predators! Or perhaps Lois is a huge Bon Jovi fan and they were attending a concert! But a news convention? How boring! I'd rather they were attending a computer expo to see Commodore reveal their new 68000 computer, the Amiga!

Superman ditches Jimmy Olsen because fuck Jimmy Olsen. Who wants to hang out with him when you don't have to? The dome is gone! Time to scoop up Lois and her big fat pregnant belly and fly back to Metropolis!

Oh yeah. Lois is pregnant. I guess having your super ejaculate taken away for a year has its advantages. Or disadvantages if you see babies as parasitic curses the way I do!

Clark and Lois discuss how nice it's been to not have the entire world depending on Superman for every little thing. They've had time to fuck and fuck and fuck some more. What else do couples in love do? Oh! Mutual masturbation!

Superman missed Planet Brainiac's message while it was happening so Lois plays a recording of it. When Superman hears that he's now just another junior high school Japanese kid on a mystery island with a random weapon, he's all, "Fuck this shit! I'm gonna save everybody, fuckers!" Jesus Christ, that guy sure has developed a mouth since living in Gotham for a year.

Meanwhile in the Flashpoint Universe where everything is terrible...

How did the Flashpoint Universe get so terrible just because Nora Allen survived? She must have been just an awful person.

Superman is attacked by Captain Thunder, Green Lantern, and Cyborg. He begins to reason with them the way Superman should always reason with everybody since he's invulnerable to practically everything. I mean, he reasons with them after punching Shazam's counterpart in the face. But just as Green Lantern and Cyborg are about to drop their offensive attack and talk it out, that idiot Jimmy Olsen comes roaring up in an experimental spaceship and attacks.

Scrawny, emaciated Flashpoint Superman heads to Preboot Gotham because he hears Lois Lane's voice. She was the only person in the Flashpoint Universe to never kick sand in his face on the beach, so he'd like to go flirt impotently with her. Even if she wasn't pregnant and in love with the seeder, she'd never fall for this insecure twerp.

Thomas Wayne realizes that the other Gotham might house his son, so he begins writing another letter. "Dear Almost Son, Did you get my first letter? I love you so much! Do you love me? Please mark the appropriate box. YES: __ NO: __"

"Clark! There's an overly friendly nerd in our apartment!"

Convergence: Superman #1 Rating: I need to recheck who wrote this issue. Yep, it was Dan Jurgens. Well, what can I say? Good job, Dan! This works! The only small complaint I have is how Jimmy Olsen was only used in two or three panels to make sure that Superman winds up in a fight instead of a discussion. But I blame that on the two issue format of the story. I get that Dan has to keep the action moving along while getting a decent story told in two issues. At least he's got the characters acting how they would normally act. That includes Jimmy Olsen jumping in to help and screwing the pooch and the other pooch and the whole kennel full of pooches too. In a situation like this where Superman refuses to participate in the Battle Royale, he needs to be forced into defending himself. And I'm fine with that! As long as he continues to try to save every single person on Planet Brainiac once he's knocked back his competition and he can formulate a plan. I'm counting on Supes to not just save one city but to save the entire world. And, while he's at it, make Planet Brainiac feel good about failing. Or maybe that will be Lois's job.

Holy shit, I bet Vicki Vale killed herself when she realized Lois Lane was stuck in the dome with her!

Convergence: Speed Force #1

I'd better not criticize this cover because I don't want Brett Booth telling me the proper way to critique something.

I never let shit go. I'm like a whiny pit bull. Maturity is when you can simply let aggravating things go because you realize the excitement of life doesn't come from drama. I don't know where it comes from but I'm pretty sure that if I were mature, I'd know it didn't come from drama. Being that I'm not mature, I tend to whinge on and on about things people did that slightly annoyed me one time and had no real impact on my life. So fuck you, Brett Booth, for being such a whiny bastard when it came to comic book fans criticizing your friend's Teen Titans cover! And now that I've said something negative, I guess I have to say something positive to make this a "real" critique. Um, your semen has a nice, tangy aftertaste that pairs well with Mountain Dew.

Looking at this cover (whoops, here I go! Creating drama!), I've figured out the limit of The Flash's speed! The faster he goes, the more he has to lean over as he runs. So the limit of his speed is when he's going so fast that he's basically sliding on his belly. And then that probably slows him down. So the fastest he can run is when his chin is nearly scraping the sidewalk.

I wish this issue were about Post-Crisis Barry Allen! Then the cover would look like this:

But it's not. This is about Wally West. The old white one not the new black one. The funny one! Not the disgruntled youth one! The one everybody loved and not the one nobody asked for.

Wally West has dragged his two kids, Jai and Iris, to Gotham to check out a "Chronal Disturbance." When he gets there, he has the feeling that this "chronal disturbance" was created by Barry Allen. Well duh! Doesn't Barry have a history of creating all of the chronal disturbances? It's the reason DC Comics killed him off in Crisis on Infinite Earths. The powers that be at DC Comics, having little imagination and constantly being upset about how they could never make perfect, logical sense of their universe, figured that if they were going to "fix" their universe by turning it into one, single universe then Barry Allen was going to have to go. And once he was dead, no writer would ever be able to create another alternate world, right? I mean, sure, they didn't kill off Wally West and he had the same powers as Barry Allen and what writer can resist an alternate reality story, right? But who would want to stab the hand that feeds them in the back by undoing the events of Crisis, right? Probably all the writers writing really although I don't know who wrote the first post-crisis story that relied on an alternate timeline or an alternate Earth. If The New 52 is any judge, it was probably quite soon after and done not by a clever writer with an interesting meta-textual story but by a crap writer with shit editors that had no idea what they were doing.

Get it? It's a sign that would never actually exist but it's funny because The Flash is going to ignore both! Also, the word "welcome" is not going to fit on that sign.

One year later, Wally is busy trying to hack through the dome with a pick axe. Some civilians wandering around the edge of the dome because they're probably looting old cars caught in the wall when the dome came down recognize him and note how crazy he's become. Speaking of the cars halfway stuck in the dome...that's kind of a nightmare story to just casually be presented in the background of a panel! Imagine being a person in the half of the car that remained while your friends or family in the other half just suddenly disappear forever.

Wally feels guilty for bringing his kids to Gotham because now they've been separated from their mother for a year. He's depressed and his kids are sad and what the fuck is wrong with this story? I thought Wally West stories were supposed to be upbeat and fun! This Wally West is depressing the shit out of me. I'm starting to wonder if I have any razors in the bathroom. Judging by the length of my scary beard, I'm going to guess I don't.

And then Planet Brainiac gives his speech about Multiversal Fight Club. I got tired of saying Thunderdome.

Great. A Flash not playing by the rules? You know what that means! New universal crisis! And right in the middle of a universal crisis! What are the odds?

Flash makes it to El Inferno just in time to see it all whither to dust and blow away in the wind. And not just the buildings! He watches people disintegrate right before his eyes! Oh, DC Comics! You just love to kill your old stories, don't you? "We already made money on them! They don't exist anymore! You fans! Stop thinking they exist! We tell you how to read our stories, okay?! Just be grateful we're going to bring back Pre-Flashpoint Gotham because you all whined so much! Fuckers. How dare you force our hands! Well, we'll show you! Unlike all of our Past Crises, this time we're now going to permanently permanently kill characters you love! For real this time! We mean it! Whoever fails is gone forever! Suck it!"

Wally thinks about his kids and they're suddenly sucked back into his Speed Force wake. Now the three of them take a quick tour around Telos trying to find their Gotham so Wally can beat the succulent piss out of Flashpoint Wonder Woman. They pass through Bizarro Metropolis (where the Bizarros probably don't quite understand the rules. They're standing around saying, "Me am not going to fight!" And Telos is all, "You have to fight!" And Bizarro is all, "Me not understand! Me not fight now!" And Telos is all, "I will destroy your city!" And Bizarro is all, "Me let you destroy city!" And Telos is all, "Yeah. Um. Okay. Um. What the fuck is going on?"), and then they zip by The Freedom Fighters' world as they battle Future End cyborgs, and then they pass through either Rann or Krypton and then Thanagar and then Follywood. As they zoom through Captain Carrot's world, Fastback notices them and follows after. So I guess Wally won't have to worry about getting his ass handed to him by Diana. I guess he's going to get fucked up by a talking turtle.

The Flash finally reaches a Gotham City and turns to fight Fastback. But being a jovial cartoon animal that loves a happy ending (not that kind of happy ending, you perverts), he just wants to team up with The Flash. Which is probably a pretty good idea since they seem to have stopped in Flashpoint Gotham where Wonder Woman is waiting to destroy them.

Oh Wonder Woman. He's a Speedster! You've already lost!

If comics had any internal consistency (which they don't and I'm glad they don't! Stop being boring trying to make them! But we can speculate on a world with internal consistency like I'm going to do after I close this parenthetical reference), The Flash would never lose a fight. The Flash's fights would never be exciting. The Flash's fights would be over as soon as he realized he was about to get into one. Unless his opponent can move as fast as he can, the fight is already over. He'd never be beaten by lazy writing like "nothing is faster than the speed of thought!" or "The Flash can't outrace Doctor Light's light power!" because thoughts actually take time to think and using a light power doesn't happen at the speed of light. And for The Flash to even be able to react to his own super speed, he must think as fast as he moves. So his thoughts are faster than the speed of thought! And before Doctor Light can even activate his power or before a psychic can take over The Flash's mind, The Flash will have hit them in the head with a brick and murdered them. Or maybe something less drastic.

So next issue should be one page of battle as Fastback (who is a fast turtle! Get it?!) and The Flash and Jai and Iris strip Wonder Woman naked and tie her up and hang her from a lamp post and bash her brains out with a brick before she can even finish pulling her sword out of the scabbard.

Convergence: Speed Force #1 Rating: Even though Wally West wasn't funny (although he did pick up a turtle sidekick which is super funny, right?!), this may have been my favorite Convergence book so far. Probably because The Flash ran around seeing other realities. And because his first thought was "Fuck this competition." Plus he's teaming up with one of the Zoo Crew which means the pun level should really go through the roof next issue! If it doesn't, I'm going to send a note to Tony Bedard that just reads, "You failed."

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #1

I wish we were getting disco collar Nightwing.

My armpits stink but I don't want to take a shower or change my shirt. Is slathering a ton of cheap deodorant under my arms a solution? I think that's a viable alternative, right? I suppose I should take a shower before leaving the house in an hour or so but then my hair will be all flat and boring instead of having the 24-hours-since-the-last-wash, been-slept-on tussled hair that is so adorable to people that love the serial killer on a three day bender look. I think the haven't-shaved-in-six-months-because-I-don't-care-about-anything-since-my-cat-died beard really helps round out the style. It definitely helps keep people from talking to me. Except people looking to buy heroin but I can ignore them and they just move on because I might have been a hallucination. Anyway, it's the perfect look to go get some kimbap from a food cart.

Why is Hawkan cockblocking Dick Grayson on the cover of this comic book? I thought this was going to just be twenty-four pages of Dick Grayson eating pussy. Oh! Sorry! This is a Gail Simone book. I meant to say "twenty-four pages of Dick Grayson playing Scrabble." I forgot it's wittier if you're subtle about what you really mean!

I think I'm going to start typing "Wink, Wink!" after every single sentence I type so that people get super horny while reading my stuff. Wink, wink!

It's going to be really confusing when I publish my non-fiction book on the Spanish Missions of California. Wink, wink!

This issue begins in El Inferno! That is a city, right? Steampunk Blue Beetle and the rest of the Justice Riders have just gotten their clocks cleaned by Flashpoint Hawkman and Flashpoint Hawkwoman. Wink, wink! I forgot to wink on the first two sentences. Wink, wink!

Should I be wink, winking after the wink, wink sentences? Maybe I should just stop doing it altogether. Just try to remember that everything I type is an innuendo for two sets of genitals touching. Maybe three sets if you're into mocha swirl! Mmm, ice cream! I think I'm going to get a salted caramel shake after eating kimbap!

Reap the whirlwind, M'urrphee! Reap it!

The Hawks win Round One of Multiversal Thunderdome and fly off to find the next champions. I'm pretty sure those next champions will be Nightwing and Oracle because I saw the cover.

Nightwing is busy stopping a jewelry heist at a museum while Oracle talks him out of crashing through expensive skylights. He's after Mister Freeze which just seems weird since Mister Freeze just participated in an attempt on Poison Ivy's garden earlier that day. Or maybe later? Either way, he has the same attitude. He must have been excited enough to plan two separate robberies but then he doesn't really give a shit when his plans are ruined. He must be bi-POLAR! Ha ha!

Ugh. I bet that pun has been used like five million times.

After the police take Mister Freeze away (this must be his second heist and he just walked away from Penguin's gang earlier), Nightwing goes radio silent to meet with Kory. Wink, wink!

Why is Kory in Gotham? Is she going to be Best Man at Babs and Dick's wedding? It's tradition to fuck your best man, right?

Dick and Babs go out to dinner later and he asks her to marry him. I'm pretty sure he's using Bruce's kryptonite ring to ask her. But Babs is all, "I can't!" And Dick is all, "Why?" And Babs is all, "Have you seen how awful you're being drawn here?"

"You just don't look like you! You look a little bit like the kid who plays Superboy in Smallville if he just climbed up out of a chimney."

After Dick runs out of the restaurant crying, he marries Starfire and a completely different fandom ruins their underwear.

Actually, the dome drops just at that moment and then the Hawks appear before Babs can tell Dick she was just kidding and she will marry him because now they actually have honeymoon options.

The Hawks threaten Babs because they have absorbascons which are things that absorb stuff and make bacon. They identify Barbara Gordon as the secret brain of Gotham City. The Batcomputer would be so pissed to hear that. But Babs knows somebody who is the secret heart of Gotham!

Holy Christ, there's a door right there! He truly is Bruce's son, isn't he?

The Hawks offer a deal. They will lose on purpose if they can remain in the winning city (Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Duh!). Except they'll only agree to throw the fight if they get to rule Gotham afterward. Nightwing refuses, of course. They give him a final hour to make his decision. After that, if he refuses, they'll be defeated by him. They don't think they'll be defeated by him but they will be! It's how it has to work! Pre-Flashpoint Gotham must survive! Especially since so many super heroes were visiting it when it was taken. I bet Superman is here as well and he'll have to fight his scrawny Super cousin from Flashpoint Gotham.

Nightwing thinks he has to fight alone but that's because he's a guy and he forgets how tricksy and manipulative jerky girls can be. They're always all, "Let's go to the roller rink!" But what they really mean is "I want to suck your dick in the parking lot!" Bah! But I was all excited to skate!

Can Oracle hack bacon making machines?

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #1 Rating: It's been a long time since I gave a shit about romantic plots in stories. I understand it's the main rage in every fandom with everybody shipping everybody else (the name of that ship is "EverBody"). But it just doesn't do anything for me anymore. I do get emotional connections to movies and books and comic books but they rarely have anything to do with the love interests. Sure, I used to get all mushy stomached reading shit like when Skywise met Aroree in Elfquest, or when David and Maddie were trying to solve a mystery and they'd almost kiss, or when Kevin would awkwardly talk with Winnie at the bus stop. But somewhere along the way I got all cold-hearted and immune to shipping. Show me the relationship between a person and an animal and my heart will be breaking all over the place. But set up a love story between Dick and Babs and...well, I just don't feel a thing.

No wait! That's not entirely true! If a love story is full of nostalgia for the way I felt as a youth, it can turn me into a weeping mass of tears and naked flesh (I like to be entertained while naked!). So something like Sailor Moon can trigger my ability to ship as hard as anybody on Tumblr! But this story just isn't for me and my cynical, frozen heart.

Oh boy, I hope they get married next issue and Starfire stands up bawling and runs from the room! That's the kind of entertainment I'm looking for!

On second thought, all that stuff in the synopsois at the end kind of tugged at my heartstrings. No wonder people were dying for this issue! *bawl!* I mean, Wink, wink!