Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #1

I wish we were getting disco collar Nightwing.

My armpits stink but I don't want to take a shower or change my shirt. Is slathering a ton of cheap deodorant under my arms a solution? I think that's a viable alternative, right? I suppose I should take a shower before leaving the house in an hour or so but then my hair will be all flat and boring instead of having the 24-hours-since-the-last-wash, been-slept-on tussled hair that is so adorable to people that love the serial killer on a three day bender look. I think the haven't-shaved-in-six-months-because-I-don't-care-about-anything-since-my-cat-died beard really helps round out the style. It definitely helps keep people from talking to me. Except people looking to buy heroin but I can ignore them and they just move on because I might have been a hallucination. Anyway, it's the perfect look to go get some kimbap from a food cart.

Why is Hawkan cockblocking Dick Grayson on the cover of this comic book? I thought this was going to just be twenty-four pages of Dick Grayson eating pussy. Oh! Sorry! This is a Gail Simone book. I meant to say "twenty-four pages of Dick Grayson playing Scrabble." I forgot it's wittier if you're subtle about what you really mean!

I think I'm going to start typing "Wink, Wink!" after every single sentence I type so that people get super horny while reading my stuff. Wink, wink!

It's going to be really confusing when I publish my non-fiction book on the Spanish Missions of California. Wink, wink!

This issue begins in El Inferno! That is a city, right? Steampunk Blue Beetle and the rest of the Justice Riders have just gotten their clocks cleaned by Flashpoint Hawkman and Flashpoint Hawkwoman. Wink, wink! I forgot to wink on the first two sentences. Wink, wink!

Should I be wink, winking after the wink, wink sentences? Maybe I should just stop doing it altogether. Just try to remember that everything I type is an innuendo for two sets of genitals touching. Maybe three sets if you're into mocha swirl! Mmm, ice cream! I think I'm going to get a salted caramel shake after eating kimbap!

Reap the whirlwind, M'urrphee! Reap it!

The Hawks win Round One of Multiversal Thunderdome and fly off to find the next champions. I'm pretty sure those next champions will be Nightwing and Oracle because I saw the cover.

Nightwing is busy stopping a jewelry heist at a museum while Oracle talks him out of crashing through expensive skylights. He's after Mister Freeze which just seems weird since Mister Freeze just participated in an attempt on Poison Ivy's garden earlier that day. Or maybe later? Either way, he has the same attitude. He must have been excited enough to plan two separate robberies but then he doesn't really give a shit when his plans are ruined. He must be bi-POLAR! Ha ha!

Ugh. I bet that pun has been used like five million times.

After the police take Mister Freeze away (this must be his second heist and he just walked away from Penguin's gang earlier), Nightwing goes radio silent to meet with Kory. Wink, wink!

Why is Kory in Gotham? Is she going to be Best Man at Babs and Dick's wedding? It's tradition to fuck your best man, right?

Dick and Babs go out to dinner later and he asks her to marry him. I'm pretty sure he's using Bruce's kryptonite ring to ask her. But Babs is all, "I can't!" And Dick is all, "Why?" And Babs is all, "Have you seen how awful you're being drawn here?"

"You just don't look like you! You look a little bit like the kid who plays Superboy in Smallville if he just climbed up out of a chimney."

After Dick runs out of the restaurant crying, he marries Starfire and a completely different fandom ruins their underwear.

Actually, the dome drops just at that moment and then the Hawks appear before Babs can tell Dick she was just kidding and she will marry him because now they actually have honeymoon options.

The Hawks threaten Babs because they have absorbascons which are things that absorb stuff and make bacon. They identify Barbara Gordon as the secret brain of Gotham City. The Batcomputer would be so pissed to hear that. But Babs knows somebody who is the secret heart of Gotham!

Holy Christ, there's a door right there! He truly is Bruce's son, isn't he?

The Hawks offer a deal. They will lose on purpose if they can remain in the winning city (Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Duh!). Except they'll only agree to throw the fight if they get to rule Gotham afterward. Nightwing refuses, of course. They give him a final hour to make his decision. After that, if he refuses, they'll be defeated by him. They don't think they'll be defeated by him but they will be! It's how it has to work! Pre-Flashpoint Gotham must survive! Especially since so many super heroes were visiting it when it was taken. I bet Superman is here as well and he'll have to fight his scrawny Super cousin from Flashpoint Gotham.

Nightwing thinks he has to fight alone but that's because he's a guy and he forgets how tricksy and manipulative jerky girls can be. They're always all, "Let's go to the roller rink!" But what they really mean is "I want to suck your dick in the parking lot!" Bah! But I was all excited to skate!

Can Oracle hack bacon making machines?

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #1 Rating: It's been a long time since I gave a shit about romantic plots in stories. I understand it's the main rage in every fandom with everybody shipping everybody else (the name of that ship is "EverBody"). But it just doesn't do anything for me anymore. I do get emotional connections to movies and books and comic books but they rarely have anything to do with the love interests. Sure, I used to get all mushy stomached reading shit like when Skywise met Aroree in Elfquest, or when David and Maddie were trying to solve a mystery and they'd almost kiss, or when Kevin would awkwardly talk with Winnie at the bus stop. But somewhere along the way I got all cold-hearted and immune to shipping. Show me the relationship between a person and an animal and my heart will be breaking all over the place. But set up a love story between Dick and Babs and...well, I just don't feel a thing.

No wait! That's not entirely true! If a love story is full of nostalgia for the way I felt as a youth, it can turn me into a weeping mass of tears and naked flesh (I like to be entertained while naked!). So something like Sailor Moon can trigger my ability to ship as hard as anybody on Tumblr! But this story just isn't for me and my cynical, frozen heart.

Oh boy, I hope they get married next issue and Starfire stands up bawling and runs from the room! That's the kind of entertainment I'm looking for!

On second thought, all that stuff in the synopsois at the end kind of tugged at my heartstrings. No wonder people were dying for this issue! *bawl!* I mean, Wink, wink!

Grodd #1

Oh you silly monkey! You're upside down!

I don't know if I'm in the mood to be funny right now. I just got dressed down in one of my commentary's comments section because I'm not allowed to call out assholes. Apparently I "come across as condescending, self-righteous, arrogant and disrespectful." All that says is you've been reading my blog! Anyway, I'm just trying to get people to focus their anger in healthy directions! I've been alive a long time! I've seen movements harmed due to overreacting assholes in the mix pushing people away from their side! Okay, maybe most of those movements were in Dungeons and Dragons campaigns but you can learn a lot from role playing! But now that I've been told that my cock outweighs any experience or wisdom I might have on a subject, I should probably just stick to jokes about monkeys. Good thing this comic book has a monkey in it!

I think I just flattered myself by saying "my cock outweighs any experience!"

I hope my audience has very few monkeys in it because I don't need people complaining about my views on Monkeys as well as my views on attacking allies and my views on the nonexistence of God and my views that Canada is in America.

And before I begin reading, let me just apologize to Commenter Natalie for using her serious comments as fodder for more stupid fucking jokes. All comments to my blog are appreciated! They're also probably going to be talked about. Especially if they tell me I'm being a dick. Or should I say cunt? I don't want to be accused of sexism but I don't know which word would make that less likely!

Grodd's issue begins before the Justice League have been defeated. The Gorillas of Gorilla City are helping to rebuild. And some Gorilla is narrating and going on and on about destiny and whether destiny exists or is it made up or blah blah blah fucking blah blah blah. I'm sure the narrator is Grodd since this is his comic book.

I would answer "Yes" to his first question.

The way time works, destiny is one of those words that means something different when looked at in different points of a person's life. You would say of a child that he's destined for greatness but he may never become great. It's a belief and a dream. Destiny doesn't preordain anything and it's up to the child to choose its path. But at the end of that child's life, if he did become great, one could look at his accomplishments and say, "He was destined for greatness." And it would be true because he's already chosen his life's path and gone through it and that's the way it turned out. Funny thing about time is that that's the way it was meant to turn out because it turned out that way. Sure, it's a tautology but it's my attempt to explain why I would answer the stupid monkey's question with a nonsensical yes. It's both. Whatever your life was like at the moment of death is the way your life was meant to be at the moment of your birth. We just can't see it because, and this is the strange bit, we've yet to choose it. Yes, I believe we choose our path even though it's preordained. Nothing is forcing us to choose the path we take but once we've taken it, it becomes the only path we were ever meant to take. See?

Now if you want to bring up alternate dimensions that exist for every choice we ever make then fuck you! Let's read some more about monkeys!

The Narrator continues his philosophical musings and they're all fairly well-thought out and interesting.

I am convinced that "conviction" has never been used more perfectly than in this Narration Box.

And then the eclipse happens. And even though Ultraman set it up to block out the sun in Happy Harbor, Rhode Island, it also blocks out the sun in Central Keystone City, Whatever Fucking State It Is In. And then it looks like Johnny Quick is paying the city a visit or the Earth is splitting open. Maybe it's Gorilla Grodd on a moped.

Yep, it's Grodd! But no moped. Sad face.

I was hoping Grodd would appear back in time to attack Keystone Central City so that Barry and Hal's first meeting would be fighting time traveling Grodd just like one of them said way back in an early issue of Justice League. But then The Flash Annual #2 showed that wasn't how it happened because they were obviously talking about the aliens they had to fight to save the children. I think some of them were apelike. But instead of Grodd traveling through time, he was just now freed from the Speed Force by the Crime Syndicate. And now he has Speed Force powers too!

Since The Flash is (presumably) dead, The Pied Piper makes his triumphant return in order to save the city!

Oh! I meant embarrassing return. I had my dictionary upside down.

Since Centone Keystral City is just chock full of bad guys, a few come by to join up with Grodd: Chroma, Tar Pit, and Girder. They left out my favorite of this new batch: The Folded Man! I hope it's because Grodd plans on killing these nobodies and Buccellato wanted to keep The Folded Man alive so he could become super awesome and The Flash's greatest enemy.

Grodd does react negatively to these chumps trying to join his cause and he kills Girder for his insolence.

Maybe since he's made out of girders, he survived that ass kicking.

Solovar tries to stand against Grodd, telling him that they have decided to make peace with the humans. But Grodd says "Fuck that shit!" and attempts to kill Solovar while crashing a helicopter full of humans into the ground with his new "force of mind" powers. The gorillas and the humans attack Grodd en masse but it's not enough. He's just too powerful for them all.

Ha ha! Good one! Now flip over a car!

The humans that Grodd lets live are put into an internment camp while the Gorillas turn Kentral Ceystone City into Gorilla City. Solovar and the other Gorilla Elders are chained to the fallen Flash statue and used as Grodd's throne. And apparently Chroma didn't get to last too long in The New 52.

But there's The Folded Man! Yay!

Grodd puts the Mayor and the Elder's head on a stake near his new throne to promote the clarity of his new vision. I'm pretty sure that vision is "Shut the fuck up or you'll head will be put on a stake." But Grodd didn't count on one of the side-effects of being infected with the Speed Force: super-duper-hyper ADHD. He rules Gorilla City for all of a couple of hours and then grows bored, leaping away to whatever destiny or evolution or destiolution have in store for him. But what's going to happen to Gorilla City now? I suppose that story will take place in Forever Evil: Rogues Rebellion!

Grodd #1 Rating: Better than most of the other comics from the first week! I like that it all took place in the "NOW" of The New 52 and that it didn't involve Grodd's mother beating him and calling him a fucked up chimpanzee. Besides, we already saw how his daddy issues caused him to eat his father's brains and how being king meant everything to him. And now that he got it, he still wasn't happy. Isn't that always the way? Why is that always the way! I'm glad I don't know what I want to make me happy so I'm not unhappy wishing I had that thing to make me happy! Instead I'm just happy! Maybe I'm just an idiot.