Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2

Fathers reunited with imaginary versions of their daughters! Daughters reconciled with homophobic fathers! Ugly ass babies being born! And now a boring fucking wedding?! What the fuck, Convergence?! Where are all the corpses?!

When did Convergence go from Multiversal Thunderdome to Young Romance Comics?! Not that I'm upset, mind you. But before I put my dick in my hand, I want to know if I'll be pleasuring myself to romance or violence! You can't just spring a wedding on me when I'm expecting Hawkpeople to be disemboweling decapitated heads! The most I can hope for is that the wedding takes place on page one and the other twenty-something pages take place in the honeymoon bed and then along the floor and then into the shower and then upside down on the counter in front of the mirror and then hanging off the balcony and then on Koriand'r's face. I just love romance! Especially extended, hard pumping romance!

Last issue, Hawkman was all, "I'm going to bite your face off, Dick!" And Hawkwoman was all, "That's so gro...oh! I heard you wrong. Never mind." And Oracle was all, "Take cover, Hawkfucks! Your gooses are cooked!" And then she laughed at her own joke for five minutes.

The hair is going up! Shit is getting serious!

I made a handy chart when I began writing screenplays for Hollywood years ago that helps me to write women better! It looks like this:

Writing a serious woman? Have her put her hair up!
Writing a sexy woman? Have her take her hair down!
Writing an innocent and naive woman? Give her bangs!
Writing a confident, well-rounded, intelligent woman with a few human flaws and frailties to really give her character depth? Just make her a man!

Nightwing has gone off to battle the Hawks while Oracle stays behind in Gotham pretending to be a coward. But really she's saving the day. And this day is really important because it's the day that all the heroes must fight to the death to save their cities. None of them seem to be obeying the rules though, at least not in the previous Issue Twos that I've read. They're just ignoring the fight and getting on with their lives. That seems reasonable since none of these heroes kill, so how can they participate in a murder contest?

Nightwing's opening gambit is to crash the Batwing on top of their heads.

Hawkwoman's opening move is better: call Nightwing an Earth Monkey! The truth of the statement has got to sting.

Nightwing was actually in a vehicle called the Rocketwing. It's part cocoon and part motorcycle and part trampoline. Just what every acrobat needs! Dick springs out of it like a dick out of a zipper! He goes after Hawkwoman first which makes Oracle really uncomfortable because Hawkwoman has a lot of sexy skin (and other attributes that are even sexier than skin!) showing.

Oracle gets in a helicopter to go slap Hawkwoman into some clothing. Meanwhile she leaves a fully robed figure behind in her clocktower computer lair slash apartment slash rave-space. As she flies to the battle, Nightwing continues to surprise the Hawks with his skill and his good cheer and his optimism and his finely honed glutes. The eczema sticks he fights with aren't very interesting. Even if they were spelled correctly.

Is "peacock" a joke about Dick's name?

The robed figure is Black Canary. She was in a robe because fishnets get cold on planets out of space and time. Also she was hiding from the flying, spying, listening bacon making machines. Oracle called her in so she could scream into the Absorbascons and cause the Hawks to go deaf. Then they'd lose their balance and fly into walls and vomit all over themselves. What a hilarious prank!

Some people would have typed "what an hilarious prank" but those people are pretentious jerkos!

Black Canary screams and the Hawks are all, "Eek! Ouch! No fair!"

Watch it, Hawkwoman! She means business! Notice her hair is up?

Hawkwoman smashes Oracle's helicopter with her mace. Instead of making a small dent, it destroys the fucking aircraft because her mace is electrified. It's also probably made out of Nth Metal. That'll teach Babs to make helicopters out of anything but inertrite. Babs crashes, crawls out of the wreckage, and climbs into her wheelchair. Hawkwoman, being ableist as fuck and gross and icky too, begins to walk away figuring that a crippled woman that just barely survived a helicopter crash has been defeated. But Babs pulls out her excretion sticks and calls Hawkwoman "Buzzard Girl." Yeesh. Have some respect! At least call her Buzzard Woman.

The name calling causes Oracle to get punched in the face really, really hard.

Of course she underestimates Babs! Her hair is down! Who wouldn't think they could easily defeat a sexy woman in a wheelchair?

Nightwing has defeated Hawkman and Black Canary, monitoring Oracle's computer program, hacks the Brainiac bots so they can destroy the bacon-making machines. The Hawks are defeated. Instead of killing the Hawks like the rules clearly state, Oracle invites them to live in Gotham. Does she also invite all of the other citizens of Flashpoint Gotham? Are they simply condemned to die? Maybe I should turn the page to find out instead of assuming the worst.

Nope. No offer of salvation. They're all doomed to die! Except we all know, every DC reader in the world, that all of the cities will be saved! Even the bad ones full of bad people who are totally bad.

At the wedding, Dick mentions an earthquake. That was also mentioned in Convergence: Superman #2! It must be Skartaris collapsing on top of Telos and freeing everybody from Brainiac's control. What happens to all the cities on this planet after that? I guess that's DC Editorial's decision!

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2 Rating: I see what's going on now! The writers on Convergence were told to write a story bringing back characters from past DC Timelines. But they weren't just supposed to bring them back as they were! They were supposed to make some kind of big change to them to make their returns more meaningful! So in The Titans, Roy Harper got Lian Harper back from the dead. In Superman, Clark and Lois had little Jonathan Samuel Kent. In The Question, Renee Montoya was to get back with Batwoman or have her father die or redeem Two-face or all of those. And in this one, Babs and Dick were married. So instead of all of these Convergence issues ending with some heroes and cities meeting their dooms, they're just making a huge change to these old characters. The actual Multiversal Thunderdome part of it kind of disappears in each Issue #2 as the main threat is taken care of behind the scenes in the Convergence Weekly book.

Divergence: Midnighter
"Spinning out of Grayson comes a solo series starring the man who can predict your every move ... but no one will be able to predict what he'll do next!"

Why should anybody be able to predict what Midnighter will do next? Those two statements really have nothing to do with each other except that they both have the word "predict" in them. Get rid of the fucking "but!" Hee hee. Fucking butt.

The Sneak Peek begins with a surprise scene that nobody could have predicted!

Midnighter wears Batman underwear?! I mean, Midnighter and Apollo aren't together?! I couldn't figure out which was more shocking so I went with both but put them in "most shocking to me" order.

This is more proof that DC Comics is afraid of female sexuality. They don't care about gay sexuality as long as it's between two men because this comic still has a Teen Rating. But if this were Batwoman? Or Catwoman? Teen Plus, baby! Maybe it's mostly because they're old fashioned and still believe that the majority of comic book readers are heterosexual males. So male readers (unless they're gay!) won't be titillated by this and thus it doesn't need a Teen Plus Rating. But if a heterosexual male were to read Batwoman kissing Renee on the lips and then down the neck and then along the breasts and then on her erect nipples and then on her underboob and then on her...I just lost interest in continuing that sentence for some reason. You get the idea!

Midnighter rushes out of bed to go murder some Warrior-style gang members who have already killed four people.

I was just speaking of pantloads earlier when I lost interest in my sentence!

The gang members have a gun that turns people into demons. But Midnighter notices that the bullets are "body-snatcher bullets" which transmit information allowing aliens to beam down into the bodies of the victims. Midnighter kills one because it beamed into one of the gang members. But one of the shots of the gun went wild and hit a little girl standing nearby. That alien he just threatens while mentioning some of the classic work he's done as a member of Stormwatch (unless he's never been a member! What's the status on Stormwatch since the Crayola Timelords?! I forget!). The alien flees and Midnighter walks off through the fire and blood and general destruction caused when he saved everybody's lives. The end!

I'm sure Apollo will wind up being a frequent guest star, right? Right?!

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #1

I wish we were getting disco collar Nightwing.

My armpits stink but I don't want to take a shower or change my shirt. Is slathering a ton of cheap deodorant under my arms a solution? I think that's a viable alternative, right? I suppose I should take a shower before leaving the house in an hour or so but then my hair will be all flat and boring instead of having the 24-hours-since-the-last-wash, been-slept-on tussled hair that is so adorable to people that love the serial killer on a three day bender look. I think the haven't-shaved-in-six-months-because-I-don't-care-about-anything-since-my-cat-died beard really helps round out the style. It definitely helps keep people from talking to me. Except people looking to buy heroin but I can ignore them and they just move on because I might have been a hallucination. Anyway, it's the perfect look to go get some kimbap from a food cart.

Why is Hawkan cockblocking Dick Grayson on the cover of this comic book? I thought this was going to just be twenty-four pages of Dick Grayson eating pussy. Oh! Sorry! This is a Gail Simone book. I meant to say "twenty-four pages of Dick Grayson playing Scrabble." I forgot it's wittier if you're subtle about what you really mean!

I think I'm going to start typing "Wink, Wink!" after every single sentence I type so that people get super horny while reading my stuff. Wink, wink!

It's going to be really confusing when I publish my non-fiction book on the Spanish Missions of California. Wink, wink!

This issue begins in El Inferno! That is a city, right? Steampunk Blue Beetle and the rest of the Justice Riders have just gotten their clocks cleaned by Flashpoint Hawkman and Flashpoint Hawkwoman. Wink, wink! I forgot to wink on the first two sentences. Wink, wink!

Should I be wink, winking after the wink, wink sentences? Maybe I should just stop doing it altogether. Just try to remember that everything I type is an innuendo for two sets of genitals touching. Maybe three sets if you're into mocha swirl! Mmm, ice cream! I think I'm going to get a salted caramel shake after eating kimbap!

Reap the whirlwind, M'urrphee! Reap it!

The Hawks win Round One of Multiversal Thunderdome and fly off to find the next champions. I'm pretty sure those next champions will be Nightwing and Oracle because I saw the cover.

Nightwing is busy stopping a jewelry heist at a museum while Oracle talks him out of crashing through expensive skylights. He's after Mister Freeze which just seems weird since Mister Freeze just participated in an attempt on Poison Ivy's garden earlier that day. Or maybe later? Either way, he has the same attitude. He must have been excited enough to plan two separate robberies but then he doesn't really give a shit when his plans are ruined. He must be bi-POLAR! Ha ha!

Ugh. I bet that pun has been used like five million times.

After the police take Mister Freeze away (this must be his second heist and he just walked away from Penguin's gang earlier), Nightwing goes radio silent to meet with Kory. Wink, wink!

Why is Kory in Gotham? Is she going to be Best Man at Babs and Dick's wedding? It's tradition to fuck your best man, right?

Dick and Babs go out to dinner later and he asks her to marry him. I'm pretty sure he's using Bruce's kryptonite ring to ask her. But Babs is all, "I can't!" And Dick is all, "Why?" And Babs is all, "Have you seen how awful you're being drawn here?"

"You just don't look like you! You look a little bit like the kid who plays Superboy in Smallville if he just climbed up out of a chimney."

After Dick runs out of the restaurant crying, he marries Starfire and a completely different fandom ruins their underwear.

Actually, the dome drops just at that moment and then the Hawks appear before Babs can tell Dick she was just kidding and she will marry him because now they actually have honeymoon options.

The Hawks threaten Babs because they have absorbascons which are things that absorb stuff and make bacon. They identify Barbara Gordon as the secret brain of Gotham City. The Batcomputer would be so pissed to hear that. But Babs knows somebody who is the secret heart of Gotham!

Holy Christ, there's a door right there! He truly is Bruce's son, isn't he?

The Hawks offer a deal. They will lose on purpose if they can remain in the winning city (Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Duh!). Except they'll only agree to throw the fight if they get to rule Gotham afterward. Nightwing refuses, of course. They give him a final hour to make his decision. After that, if he refuses, they'll be defeated by him. They don't think they'll be defeated by him but they will be! It's how it has to work! Pre-Flashpoint Gotham must survive! Especially since so many super heroes were visiting it when it was taken. I bet Superman is here as well and he'll have to fight his scrawny Super cousin from Flashpoint Gotham.

Nightwing thinks he has to fight alone but that's because he's a guy and he forgets how tricksy and manipulative jerky girls can be. They're always all, "Let's go to the roller rink!" But what they really mean is "I want to suck your dick in the parking lot!" Bah! But I was all excited to skate!

Can Oracle hack bacon making machines?

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #1 Rating: It's been a long time since I gave a shit about romantic plots in stories. I understand it's the main rage in every fandom with everybody shipping everybody else (the name of that ship is "EverBody"). But it just doesn't do anything for me anymore. I do get emotional connections to movies and books and comic books but they rarely have anything to do with the love interests. Sure, I used to get all mushy stomached reading shit like when Skywise met Aroree in Elfquest, or when David and Maddie were trying to solve a mystery and they'd almost kiss, or when Kevin would awkwardly talk with Winnie at the bus stop. But somewhere along the way I got all cold-hearted and immune to shipping. Show me the relationship between a person and an animal and my heart will be breaking all over the place. But set up a love story between Dick and Babs and...well, I just don't feel a thing.

No wait! That's not entirely true! If a love story is full of nostalgia for the way I felt as a youth, it can turn me into a weeping mass of tears and naked flesh (I like to be entertained while naked!). So something like Sailor Moon can trigger my ability to ship as hard as anybody on Tumblr! But this story just isn't for me and my cynical, frozen heart.

Oh boy, I hope they get married next issue and Starfire stands up bawling and runs from the room! That's the kind of entertainment I'm looking for!

On second thought, all that stuff in the synopsois at the end kind of tugged at my heartstrings. No wonder people were dying for this issue! *bawl!* I mean, Wink, wink!