Gotham Academy: Endgame #1

This cover is so adorable that I'm having trouble expressing how adorable it is. I want to say it is come-in-my-pants adorable but even though that adequately describes the crazy high levels of adorable this is, it's also inappropriate, pervy, and possibly illegal.

I don't know why all of these comic books needed an Endgame tie-in except to maybe pad DC Comics' super fat wallet but if it means I get an extra issue of Maps Mizoguchi's Gotham Academy, I'm not going to complain too much.

I wonder how many Americans in colleges across the country wind up writing a term paper that compares Batman to Jesus Christ. It's probably so overdone. I would compare Jesus Christ to Jason Todd because Batman is God. Also the other stuff that totally fits like how Jesus was killed by The Joker and then came back to life by soaking in Lazarus's piss. I should go back to college now that I have the confidence to write the papers that I really want to write! I had one college professor tell me one time that he thought my papers were refreshing because I wasn't afraid to be funny in them. If he only knew how much I was holding back! I could have been come-in-his-pants funny!

I didn't mean I would come in his pants! Don't be gross!

This issue begins with the girls talking with each other but their voices are only in Narration Boxes. So Pom and Olive have to use each other's names to identify each other.

Maps identifies herself based on the subject matter.

All the students in Gotham Academy are camping out in the gymnasium. I could have just typed "gym" but I'm a go-getter! Pomeline, Olive, and Maps are sharing a tent and scary stories. Maps mentions an urban legend about somebody called The Custodian that stalks the campus of Gotham Academy battling monsters and unclogging toilets. I bet Maps clogs the fuck out of toilets. And not because she uses too much toilet paper! She just seems like a healthy shitter.

Pomeline takes the first scary story shift to tell the tale of The Night of The Joker! Or maybe something else. Perhaps The Noonday Joker Happenstance! Or The Morning The Joker Came For Coffee!

I get annoyed when people act overly enthusiastic about something simply to prove to everybody how they're like the biggest fan of the whatever. But there's no faking it in Maps! Her head is going to explode at the idea of hearing some scary stories. And then she might wind down with a Tunnels and Trolls solo adventure while Pom and Olive (PomOlive!) make out in their sleeping bag.

Pom's story is about a kid that fell ten cents short on the price of a Halloween mask he needed for his costume so he was forced to steal it! Why that no good business owner! I hope he pays for being the antagonist of this story! When Jimmy tried on the mask, he heard a voice say, "LOTS OF HAs!" and "You've stolen my heart, Jimmy!!" Which is odd because he'd actually stolen a mask of a face and not a heart. I wonder if it was The Joker's real face?! GASP!

And then Pom said, "And Jimmy is standing right behind you!" No wait. We're not to that shocking twist campfire ending yet.

Jimmy, frightened, decided to return the mask. But the store was empty and abandoned and full of cobwebs! Jimmy thought he would return the mask and then engage in a song with the stern yet understanding owner who was just happy that Jimmy had told the truth. Instead he found himself in a nightmare of Twilight Zonian proportions! He threw the mask away and ran home only to find the mask waiting for him in the closet! And then he buried it but he soon found it on top of his collection of fifteen dozen baseballs! So then he burned it! And the next day...he woke up with it as his own face!

BOO!

I can't wait to hear Maps's story!

Professor MacPherson hears the girls telling stories and pops in to see if any of them need some inappropriate teacher/student cuddling. Just for morale, of course! But they're all fine. And Maps even wants to hear more Joker stories. So MacPherson decides to tell her an old myth about a wandering jester from the highlands of North Scotland! And it's probably a real Joker story since The Joker is immortal! Remember? He's like Pennywise now!

Those who didn't act entertained were turned into props for his next act!

That was a pretty gruesome story for this comic book! And it totally freaks Pomeline out! But Maps is still running on scary story adrenaline and she needs another fix. So it's Olive's turn to tell a real Joker story because her mother has spent time in Arkham. If there's going to be a true Joker story tonight, it'll be this one! And you know how hard true Joker stories are to come by! I've been reading comic books for thirty years and I don't think I've read one yet!

It turns out it's not a story about how Sybil ran into The Joker during an Arkham riot at all. It's just a story from Sybil's childhood so it's probably as untrue as all the rest of them. But it doesn't even matter because The Joker isn't in it! It's just a story about a dumb kid that played Bloody Mary wrong and accidentally summoned the Candyman and then played with a Rubik's Cube that turned into the Hellraiser puzzle after he had a scary dream where Freddy Krueger chased him into Michael Myers' house where he got trapped in the attic by Jason Voorhees. Pshaw! Everybody's heard that story!

But Maps loves it anyway and declares it the best scary story ever! My favorite scary story is the one where Jesus keeps calling Peter up on the cross but the Roman guards keep kicking the ladder out from under him before he can hear what Jesus has to say. Man, that one is killer!

And as the girls tuck themselves into bed for the night, The Custodian keeps watch on the school keeping it safe from Joker-faced people! And The Custodian turns out to be...Headmaster Hammer!?! He's so much cooler than I thought!

Gotham Academy: Endgame #1 Rating: Did you all see how cute Maps was in this issue? What a doll! She's a breath of fresh breath! A wind in the willows! A cherry Pez after four lemon Pez! A Grandmaster of Flowers in a 2nd Edition game of Dungeons and Dragons! A real, living goat that actually turns the tables on that fucking Rachael Rosen! Maps! She deserves five songs and a bag of pineapple Lifesavers!

Arkham Manor: Endgame #1

Didn't Arkham already deal with Jokerface?

Hey remember in Detective Comics #15 when Clayface raped Poison Ivy and nobody fucking said "Boo!" about it? What a missed opportunity for outrage! It was even a Death in the Family tie-in! Maybe I just never saw any posts about it. It seems like something people would have been concerned about plus they would have felt righteously indignant at something DC Comics put out. Win-win!

Endgame is that story in Batman that has yet to come to a conclusion even though the first week of Convergence books shipped. I think Batman is late! I'm sure they planned it this way for some reason but I'd rather be reading Batman #40 by Scott Snyder than Arkham Manor: Endgame #1 by Frank Tieri. Frank Tieri?! Are you kidding? Didn't he take over on Deathstroke or Team 7 or something? Whatever he wrote so far in The New 52, I wasn't a fan! But then, I'm not a fan of much of anything if it doesn't involve a hand on my penis. Usually my hand but I'll take a raccoon paw with a near thumb if one is free and available.

The issue begins with Harvey Bullock interrogating some guy named Stone about something horrible that happened at Arkham Manor. Let me guess! There was a riot and a bunch of inmates escaped! Nailed it! Probably.

Oh, and this is an Endgame book so they were all Jokerized. Jokerised for my British friends.

I don't actually have any British friends. Although I do have two friends currently living in Britain! Hi Ron and Rob! Smoke a kipper for me or whatever they do over there that isn't too weird.

This is the beginning of the story! Why is Eric Border wearing an inmate's jumpsuit?

I think Stone is lying to Harvey to cover up something horrible Stone did. It's so obvious because that's what Harvey thinks too. And Harvey has a mug that says World's Greatest Detective on it.

Joker opens all the cells and throws a Joker smoke bomb that give great big grins to all of the escapees. Zsasz makes an appearance! And then Bane! And then Clayface! And then Poison Ivy! And then Mr. Freeze! It's an all star cast! All of those Arkhamites except Zsasz were unaffected by the Joker Gas and were looking to find an easy way out. So they recruited Stone to get them out of the Manor. Bane probably should have stayed inside Arkham because he's going to get his ass beat by Killer Croc on the outside. Oh wait. That's Batman Eternal not Endgame. I really need a timeline for this shit!

Also, what is Bane doing in Arkham? Isn't he more of a Blackgate kind of guy?

They try to fight their way to the exit but it's no use because STONE IS FUCKING LYING HIS ASS OFF! I just know it! Bane in Arkham? Ridiculous! When did Arkham start providing rehab?

Where is Jack Shaw when you need him?

The Joker was actually Jeremiah Arkham in a Joker wig. Stone knocks him out cold and all the Jokerized victims stop acting like crazed Jokerized victims. Were they all pretending just to get in good with The Joker? I think this Arkham riot was just a serious case of peer pressure. Bullock and the Gotham SWAT Team show up to get things under control. Which isn't something that would have happened if everybody was truly Jokerized. So I think my peer pressure theory stands.

During the ordeal, Bane and Poison Ivy and Clayface and Mr. Freeze escape. And that's why Harvey's grilling Stone because he thinks Stone helped set them free for some payola. But Harvey figures he can't prove anything and lets him go. But Jeremiah Arkham gets fitted for a straight jacket and shoved into a cell. Who's going to run this place now?

Arkham Manor: Endgame #1 Rating: I don't really rate these one-shots or the annuals or any of these extraneous titles. I like that it starred Harvey Bullock. He should always be the investigator when Arkham Manor returns for more stories. And let him prove to be a great detective at times! But also one that relies on his gut too often and tends to make his own investigations harder than they need to be by ignoring the clues because his gut is all, "Don't worry about evidence, Harvey! Get me a danish! Also, that ugly fucker that looked at you squint-eyed probably did it. And even if he didn't do it, wouldn't you like to rough him up a bit, Harvey? Also, wouldn't you like to put a Kit-Kat in me? Come on! I'm stahvin' 'ere!"

Batman Eternal #52

This is the end! The end of our super fucking Goddamned long story! This is the end!

I hope every other page of this comic is a new super villain revealing that they were really behind it all! And then on the last page, Bat-mite will will reveal himself as King of Gotham! The end of Issue #50 revealed Cluemaster as the person behind all of the chaos. Then at the ending of Issue #51, Owlman (Lincoln March Version) took advantage of the situation and killed Cluemaster so that he could have a friendly chat with his brother. I'm pretty sure the last time these two saw each other, they left on friendly terms. Or it could have been the opposite of that with Lincoln March stamping his foot and yelling "Mom always loved you best!" before bursting into tears and disappearing into the sewers. I have no idea what he's been up to since then.

Here's one thing I do know that has zero chance of happening! Batman needs to take responsibility for his part in the devastation of Gotham. This was all about getting revenge on the Dark Knight. And while I'm not one to usually blame the victim, I think Batman needs to realize that perhaps killing his enemies might not be such a bad idea! What's one Cluemaster versus all of the people who died recently thanks to Cluemaster's plot? I'm not even pro-death penalty! But Batman might want to do a little soul searching before he points out to yet another person that he doesn't kill. Did his explosives that he doesn't kill with kill any police officers during this riot? Oh, you know what? I think they did! Perhaps it's irresponsible to leave dangerous weapons lying around all over the city! It's probably also not a great idea to have rockets and machine guns on your vehicles that you just spray all over the goddamned place. You know how much collateral damage he might have caused if the missiles he shot into that ghost in Gotham By Midnight #5 would have simply passed right through the ghost and into a skyscraper behind it? My god, man! Perhaps it's time to go back to just the simple, non-explosive Batarangs, you know what I mean? Take it down a notch! Breathe, buddy!

This issue begins "many months ago" so that we can see how Cluemaster got the money together to pull a scheme like this. And also who he got to work Pagemaker to get those invitations looking as boring a possible.

Anyway, it's the Night of the Owls or whatever and Cluemaster has just parked his car and is walking down the street on his phone. I haven't read any of this but I suddenly had to look a page ahead to see if Lincoln March was going to come crashing down on the hood of Cluemaster's car. That would have been a cool way for them to meet! Unless Lincoln fell on an ambulance back during the Evening of Talons. It's been awhile and I don't rightly recall all the pertinent details.

Arthur has come looking for the Court of Owls to finance his plan to destroy Batman. He's figured out that they're at Harbor House (which makes him about as good a detective as ten year old Bruce Wayne) and he pays them a visit. Too bad they're all dead already.

Ha ha! That whole "who?" thing never gets old when you're a member of the Court!

So Lincoln March becomes Cluemaster's angel investor for the Kill Batman Dead App. It turns out not to work as planned since it gets right up to the moment where Batman dies and then it crashes. So Lincoln March kills the app (and its creator) and takes matters into his own talons.

While Lincoln and Bruce go crashing off the Beacon Tower and into a video billboard, the Batfamily continues to save people from the fires. They're probably thinking that they'll be able to rest after this and not have to battle an endless waves of Jokerfied citizens. But the jokes on them because!

Everybody is doing fine except for Jason Todd who gets his ass trapped under a bunch of rubble. The building he's in is collapsing and he's not being written by Scott Lobdell so he's actually fallible. He even thinks he's in trouble instead of acting like an arrogant big shot with no fear! Maybe that's not actually Jason Todd under the mask. Or else Tynion IV doesn't know how to write him! According to all the idiots who like Lobdell's version of Red Hood and the Outlaws, they'd agree that Tynion can't write him or Harper worth shit.

Jason wants to tell Bruce something and I bet it begins with Ilo and ends with ou and has vey in the middle!

Bah! I've read this speech before, Lincoln. It's what that fucking Buster Friendly tried to pull to get everybody to stop believing in Mercerism in that book about androids counting sheep. Proving the thing they believe in isn't what they thought doesn't stop them from believing in the thing! Hell, Batman will have so many imitators once people find out that he was billionaire Bruce Wayne!

Just as Lincoln March is trying to convince himself that Batman will be forgotten (because Bruce isn't going to buy into that idea), monitors all over the city begin displaying the bat signal. And Commissioner Gordon begins speaking over the apparently city-wide sound system rigged up for...I don't know...amber alerts?

Gordon fires up a bunch of Bat-signals and asks that everybody become Batman for the night! Throw on whatever leather gear you've got lying around (except the gimp suit with the ball gag. Just...just leave that in the footlocker at the end of your bed, okay?) and rush out into the burning streets to save the day! Gordon is all, "Somebody thinks they can kill the Batman?! We're all Batman!"

I hate you Barbara. You know how Red Hood is going to thank you for saving his life? He's going to continue to appear in Scott Lobdell comic books. Ugh.

It's about time Calvin Rose turned up again. But just for a brief visit. I'm not ready to once again start reading a monthly title with him as the lead.

Talon isn't the only person helping out. There's also Batwoman and Black Canary and Katana and Killer Croc and that nobody who saves Spoiler's life and probably a lot more nobodies who decided to take Gordon literally and become Batman for the night.

Bruce Wayne is about to be killed even after Lincoln March realizes the city is a little bit more enamored with the bat than he realized. But that's when Spoiler comes back to kick his ass! Somehow. I mean, she's just a young woman and he's an immortal killing machine. But she does sucker punch him with a can of paint followed by a right hook. I bet it causes him to have a flashback to that night she walked in on Lincoln meeting with Cluemaster and his pals.

Or he just looks up and comes face to face with the entire Bat-Family. Except for Nightwing. He's dead, remember? Wink wink!

Kate's doing the Nightwing squat in honor of Dick. You'd think she'd be the last person to care about Dick, if you know what I mean! You know, because she hardly knew him.

Lincoln March escapes into the sewers where he'll probably be eaten by Killer Croc. The end!

Except it's only the end of the madness. The comic continues a week later with a few shots of Vicki Vale's ass. I should probably read the word balloons and see why she and Jason Bard are talking so much. I bet it has to do with her tight pants.

Vicki wrote an undergraduate thesis on James Joyce and then went into journalism? I hope that means something so that I sound super smart!

Jason Bard decides to come clean so that when Vicki Vale publishes the tell-all story of Jason Bard, he'll look a little bit better on account he cooperated. Plus everybody will know his name after that and he can open up a private investigations business.

And then Selina gives Batman a call on the Bat-Signal so that she can let him know, once and for all, to fuck off with his Goddamned stupid motherfucking lectures every other fucking night.

I really hope Selina's done with him but Batman keeps pining for her. That's the relationship I've wanted between these two since they fucked in Catwoman Issue #1. Why can't Batman be the chaser for awhile?

In the what about all that weird shit in Arkham epilogue, Corrigan lets Batwing know that shit is about to get freaky in Gotham for awhile thanks to all that Deacon Blackfire bullshit. He also invites Batwing to join the Midnight Shift. He obviously didn't sign up for their first adventure but now that Sister Justine has taken one for the team, there's an opening!

Barbara hangs out with her dad for awhile while Jason Todd takes a break at the best bar in Gotham City, Noonan's. He's totally pining over Babs now. What a sap!

Stephanie moves in with Harper and Cullen so that she can have awkward moments with Red Robin when he climbs though a window. He just came to check up on the news Bat-kids and to give Stephanie the only information they have on Lincoln March. They found some of his costume in the sewers but that's it. Somebody else got to him first. And since they didn't find pieces of Lincoln in his costume, it wasn't Killer Croc.

It was, of course, the Court of Owls.

One rule, Lincoln! One rule! "Do not shit where you fucking sleep!" You hike that ass up over the nest's edge and projectile shit, buddy!

Jim Gordon is no longer commissioner. Maggie Sawyer has that job now. But now Jim gets to be a vigilante and fight side by side with Batman! And Jim gets to use a gun! I wonder if Batman forces him to load it with tiny little Batarangs?

Batman Eternal #52 Rating: No change. And that's the end! Cluemaster was the Evil Mr. Smarty Pants and Lincoln March was just his financial backer. But, like most financial backers, he just couldn't keep his hands off of the project. It's too bad, really. Because that idiot Lincoln March saved Batman's life by killing Cluemaster before he could pull the trigger. Oh well. Now Lincoln March has been locked up in an ice coffin by the Court of Owls.

So what are the big changes to the Bat-Family after this year long spectacle? Jason Todd finds himself in love with Barbara Gordon. Babs may or may not love him but I bet she wouldn't mind him being her first fuck. Harper Row and Stephanie Brown are the newest additions to the little group as Bluebird and Spoiler. Red Robin and Spoiler have a flirtation beginning. Alfred lost his hand. Oh wait. That was the other big Batman thing going on. Um, Alfred's daughter has learned the ropes good enough that she can take her dad's place anytime he wants to take a vacation to Thailand. Maggie Sawyer is now the commissioner. Jason Bard is going to become a Private Eye. Selina is sick to fuck of Batman and his holier than thou attitude. She's embracing her means of helping the city which is, really, about as illegal as all the shit Batman pulls so what the fuck is his problem? I don't know where Damian was. Maybe the Batman and Robin Annual will clear up the timeline a bit.

Oh, and Gotham is fucking screwed. I hope Bruce Wayne donates a good chunk of his cash to the city to help rebuild. Wait, did he lose all of his money in this thing? Goddammit Bruce!

The Multiversity: Ultra Comics #1

Yay! I finally have a copy of a cursed comic book! Come and get me, Gentry!

This issue takes place on Earth-33 which is Earth Prime which is the fictional Earth of the DC Universe that represents the real Earth in which the DC Universe was created. I'm sure this entire plot will just be as confusing as that last sentence.

In my commentary on the first issue of The Multiversity (and a slight revisionist tweaking of them in the second issue), I pointed out that we, the readers, were going to be the heroes of this series. Because the only way the heroes could win the day and defeat The Gentry is if we continue reading the story to the ultimately heroic conclusion. That's why The Gentry want us to stop reading the comic book by writing "NOT" in big red letters on the cover of the comic book. They don't want us fucking up their plans by putting eyes to paper and setting the probable into the palpable.

I hope this is a Choose Your Own Adventure comic book! Or a Mad Lib! I want to be more than just a passive observer! I suppose I could get a pen and just draw dicks on everybody.

The issue begins with Ultra Comics telling me that he's from 38 pages and 24 hours into my future. Is that an insult? I may read slow but it doesn't take me a full day to read a forty page comic book! Asshole. He then tells me not to turn to the last page or "it's all over." Really?!

Ha ha ha! Fuck you, Ultra Comics!

Ultra also mentions that the comic book is indeed cursed. But with my help, he thinks he can stop the curse from spreading. But not the rest of you jerks! He tells the rest of you jerks not to turn the page or else your worlds will become infected too! And you don't want that because you can't handle it the way that I can. I'm a hero!

Except then some vines or centipedes or guts or something grab Ultra by the brain and he screams that the comic book is a trap called The Oblivion Machine and that I shouldn't turn the page.

I wonder if by "YOU!" he means me because I turned to the last page of the comic book when he told me not to? Maybe I'm the opposite of a hero! Whatever that is!

Ultra Comics says, "Do not turn the page for it is a trap, sir!" What do you do? If you turn the page, turn the page. If you choose not to turn the page, punch yourself in the genitals for wasting five dollars.

I choose to turn the page because I don't want to hit myself in the genitals again!

I wonder if I could have just given Grant Morrison five bucks to jerk off directly into my mouth?

Holy shit! This comic book is blowing my mind! There's a comic book character speaking directly to me! And everything he's saying is true! When I read his word balloon, it is like his voice is right in my head! And the comic book is a physical object! I've never had such a real and meaningful comic book experience in my whole entire life! Except maybe that time Groo ate some cheese dip. Ha ha! That was hilarious! Then somebody called him a mulcher and he got offended! Classic!

This guy tells me that I'm the secret identity of Ultra Comics. Me! He also says Ultra Comics has "thousands of secret identities" which kind of ruins the whole effect for me. I don't want to share this hero business with anybody with five bucks to blow on this comic book! I mean, one of those people could have been a girl! Eww!

On the next page, Ultra Comics rises out of a Four Color Printing Machine. He also has a big tube attached to his crotch because his cock must be massive! People are going to look at that and think, "Holy smokes! His secret identity must be that one guy with the massive cock!" They'll never guess it's me! I mean, they'll probably guess it's me!

Ultra Comics is all, "You can be a hero too if you just read this comic cover to cover!" But I'm all, "You just told me not to turn the page or to read the last page or to do anything, really!" And he's all, "That was probably a future version of me that doesn't know anything! Forget about him! It'll all be different somehow now!" And I'm all, "Bullshit! Comic book pages don't spontaneously change! It takes effort and a Sharpie and a lack of care for the potential future value of the comic book!"

After Ultra Comics is created, he only gets two pages to develop a history. So he saves Bruce Wayne's parents thus defeating Batman the only way he can be defeated! Then he saves Lois Lane from some Daemonites or something. Then Ultra Comics Boy Or Girl dies in a catastrophic crisis on infinite Ultra Comics unless it was just the Death in the Ultra Comics story. And then he goes all grim and modern and pulls out the intestines of some villain. He also gets an attitude with me, his secret identity! Hey buddy! I can stop reading at any time!

NO! Fuck you, Ultra Comics! FUCK. YOU. Right in the ass bone!

Ultra Comics merges with everybody reading the comic book and we all come in our pants with our various junk. He comes gushing waves of four color ink all over the floor of the lab where he was created. And suddenly he's ready to fight crime with the power of my imagination! I'm going to get him laid!

Ultra Comics heads out on his first adventure called "Out of His Box!" Since he's powered by my imagination and I want to get him laid, I Sharpie in the rest of the title: "...And Into Hers!"

The guy in the suit interrupts my comic book to tell me that Ultra Comics has been led into a trap. And then he adds that I have been led into a trap as well. Duh! I am Ultra Comics, buddy! You told me that! Why can't this guy remember what he already said?

While searching the strange, parallel world he's been sent to for his first adventure, Ultra Comics discovers he can hear his secret identities' thoughts as they read the comic book!

Oh god! I'm so embarrassed now!

Ultra Comics hasn't been led into a trap at all! He's the fucking cursed comic that's bringing the HIT (Hostile Independent Thought-form. Or a really super successful comic book) to all the other parallel worlds and/or our brains! Kill yourself, Ultra Comics! Kill yourself now!

See, it's annoying when you have somebody yelling at you to do as they say, isn't it, Ultra Comics?

I think what Ultra Comics is trying to say is that ideas are dangerous and yet we have no great security system to protect us from ideas. But he's wrong! We have the ultimate security to protect us from ideas! It's called bigotry and prejudice and close-mindedness and adamantly believing that whatever we believe is the best thing to believe!

Ultra Comics helps save a young woman from the Jussssstissssse Sssssossssssiety. That's a hissing joke because they're lizard people. I think. They might also be part spider people but I don't know what kinds of sounds spiders make because they're always drowned out by people screaming about how hideous they are.

After saving the young woman, she introduces Ultra Comics to her friends: The Neighborhood Guard! It's a bunch of kids fighting for their lives in a dystopian future where lizard people rule the wastelands! The kids have found one of Luthor's Transmatter Cube things and Ultra Comics helps deliver it to the grownups. I hope Ultra Comics doesn't wind up cursing the box and sending copies of his cursed comic books to all of the other worlds! Oh, of course that wouldn't happen. What will probably happen is Ultra Comics will talk to me some more and then blame me for cursing all of the other worlds because he's a fucking asshole that can't take responsibility for his own actions so he's going to blame the comic book readers.

The adults on this planet are all named Ultra. Even Ace Ultra from Justice League United is here! And for once somebody besides me calls him "Ace"! I really am in this comic book!

Oh, also? They're SUPER CANNIBALS!

Ultra Comics is captured so that he can be consumed by Ultraa! Ultraa was the original one and only Earth-Prime superhero who was the only survivor of a space ark that crashed into our sun. Controlled by a super computer named Maxitron, it sent Ultraa to Earth Prime to be the last survivor of his race. Eventually he was kidnapped to Earth-one by the Justice League of America because Earth-Prime just wasn't a great place for super heroes. Plus they fucked with all of our minds and erased all knowledge of him from our history! Those bastards! What gives them the right?!

Anyway, Ultraa tries to eat Ultra's brains. Instead he just eats the Crystal of Imagination! NO! That was my creativity, you...you...Oh! You you!

Ultraa prepares the Transmatter Cube and then Ultra defeats him with the power of his imagination. He's like Eddie in It with his asthma spray that becomes acid because he thinks it into being. But it's too late because one of The Gentry has started to come through the Transmatter Cube.

Well, at least it ate the dick in the suit.

Ultra battles Intellectron by trapping it inside his comic book which he claims is subject to criticism which will help defeat Intellectron. I have to say that the in-comic criticism is pretty shitty stuff. Come on, Grant Morrison! Critics aren't just mindless assholes who can only type things like, "The big bad is an egg? DER!" and "A 5-Dimensional evil egg! LOL!! DER!" and "This guy's raped my wallet way too many times! DER!" Well, that last one might be fairly accurate. Except you're being way too hard on yourself! If you meant for this to be a completely shitty comic book so that you could laugh at the people criticizing it because they helped to defeat the bad guy by criticizing it, then you fucked up because it's not that shitty! It's got Ace Ultra and Ultraa in it! That's...okay, so that's not actually great. But it is interesting? Plus super cannibals!

Wait! I shouldn't be defending this comic book because that makes me the villain! Dammit! I want to be the hero!

And then Grant Morrison calls comic books the Oblivion Machine and that they're wasting my precious life! What a jerk! How dare he...oh wait! I bet he was just talking about Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti comic books. Yeah, I agree! Total waste of my time. I couldn't describe their comic books better than "Oblivion Machine!" And I think, ultimately, the way to defeat The Gentry is to stop reading bullshit comic books and only pick up comic books written by Grant Morrison! And I'm now infected with a HIT so I'm off to get a shot of penicillin now.

Seriously though, does this mean that the Ultra Comics comic book is cursed because it lures The Gentry to any world where the comic is read but then the comic is actually a trap to catch The Gentry that is lured to the world? And then The Gentry become a comic book character for an Earth-Prime comic book where all of the readers are fucking asshole trolls who then punish The Gentry with their ridiculous criticism?

Sinestro #11

Having everybody in the universe use English to name themselves and their teams is a handy little comic book convention that I don't think we applaud enough. Give it a hand!

It's hard to believe this comic is already on Issue #11. I feel like I've only read two issues so far. And in both issues, Sinestro mentioned how Hal Jordan was his best friend and his worst enemy.

As a cutting edge, topical writer, I should probably comment on the most important news story of the week: today all of the numbers from Lost lined up in our time and dating system: 4/8/15 16:23:42! Well, they did if you write the date before the time. And also if you're American which means the month comes before the date. And also if you use military time (which is just known as "metric time" to every other non-American country. Or something). So it was actually less spectacular than everybody wants you to believe. I'm sure a lot of people's reactions were akin to Regina King's comment (she was the person whose comment appeared at the bottom of the article as I looked at it during my brief visit to Facebook over dinner): "The 16 is the only number that doesn't line up. But it's a multiple of 4 so I guess it still works. LOL!" Oh, Regina! You ignorant rapscallion you! Keep being you, girl!

Anything else happening in the news lately important enough for me to comment on? I don't think so. I almost began writing about a cop shooting an unarmed black man during a traffic stop but since the cop was being charged with murder, I believe I must have dreamed the entire thing. And nobody wants to hear me comment on my dreams!

Anyway, I didn't dream Sinestro. And if I did, I'd scold myself for having such boring, ridiculous dreams.

Thanks for narrating a scene you cannot see which you're not involved in anyway and bringing your own suppositions and biases into the equation, Sinestro! I hate perceiving things without help and coming up with my own conclusions!

Bekka has come to Warworld to help rescue Sinestro because she just couldn't get him out of her mind after meeting him. How can a female resist his condescending attitude, his arrogant demeanor, and his bright pink skin? Swoon! Plus he must be all man! Why else would his name mean "without estrus"?

Sinestro is still tied up and hanging upside down deep inside Warworld where he's busy convincing Whats'isname of the Apex League to abandon Mongul and join with him. The Apex League wants to destroy The Paling, a cult of apathy. But Sinestro points out that Mongul is no better. He also travels from world to world destroying entire planets and solar systems. Instead, the Apex League should side with Sinestro! Because when Sinestro destroys a planet, he does it for the greater good! He's the planet destroying menace that knows what this universe needs! Vote Sinestro!

Sinestro delivers his well-practiced "Fear Can Move Mountains!" speech that he usually saves for Hal Jordan and other suitors not ready to give up the butt. The Apex guy is all, "I'm listening...," as he loosens his belt.

Up on Warworld's surface, Mongul turns on his ring draining technology he scavenged from space and defeats the entire Sinestro Corps. He's still got issues with the Corps that go back to the Preboot universe, so I have no idea what it's all about and I don't really care. I feel like Mongul and Warworld aren't being written to Jim Starlin's satisfaction here. That's not a criticism on Cullen Bunn's part! I just think Jim Starlin probably hates it when anybody uses Mongul or Warworld. Because that just means when he next writes another comic book, he might have to forgo using Mongul and Warworld because they were used too recently by another writer. And then he'll have to come up with a new villain that looks exactly like Thanos and Darkseid who flies around in a planet-sized weapon of war.

Once the rings are drained, the Sinestro Corps members are pretty much useless. All but one of them, anyway.

One of my favorite lines from Pink's album Missundaztood is "What good am I to you if I can't be broken?" Which is an especially nice lyric when you consider that she also writes lyrics like "Her pain is painful" and "I won't spill the milk at dinner" and "UUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNHHHHHH! UNNNNNNNNNHHHHHHH!" and "This is my Vietnam" where she's talking about, I don't know, having to clean up her room or something.

Sinestro is freed by Dez and Kale and his daughter (whose name nobody uses in the scene so fuck if I can remember it). Dez asks Sinestro if Sinestro didn't release Parallax because he was afraid Mongul would drain it. Before Sinestro answers, he pauses one full, silent panel because he can't believe one of his recruits had the gall to ask Sinestro if he was afraid. Luckily Sinestro doesn't kill him because Dez is probably the only character in the Sinestro Corps besides Arkillo whose name I can always remember.

Sinestro reverses the ring siphon, frees Lyssa, and shoots Mongul off into space surrounded by a field of fear. The Apex League follow after because Sinestro tells them The Paling will be lured to Mongul's fear. As if Sinestro knows anything about The Paling. But the Apex League follow after Mongul because they're idiots who forgot that they were looking for help to defeat The Paling and weren't actually interested in confronting The Paling without extra help. And they weren't about to keep Warworld since Sinestro decided to lay claim to it. Warworld is a good base for the Sinestro Corps. Now they've got a mobile headquarters just like the Green Lanterns! Maybe Mogo and Warworld will fall in love and have a litter of asteroids.

Sinestro #11 Rating: No change. This comic book falls into the category of unrateable, at least by me. It might be the kind of comic book some people like but it doesn't do anything for me. It actually does a lot of things I don't like: omniscient narration boxing by characters that aren't omniscient, every character is an arrogant blowhard, a female character that is more powerful and has more personality than the main male character but somehow falls under his thrall and accepts a position as part of the supporting cast, Cullen Bunn on writing duties. The list just goes on and on! I mean, that was the whole list but it felt like it went on and on. Especially as I sat here trying to come up with enough reasons to show why I dislike this comic book instead of just saying, "I don't like this comic book for reasons." Or I could have just said, "I can't even." Less words is better! And if they're misspelled and in all-caps? EVNE BETTRERER!

Gotham By Midnight #5

Gotham by Midnight just sounds like a late night radio show.

Good evening, Gotham. How're we all doing on this surprisingly green night? Hopefully you've got a cold glass within reach and a warm body to lean against to get you through one more Gotham night. And this one's a weird one. If you're out there all alone, huddled under an old quilt while trying to remember if you locked the front door or, if you know you did, wondering if the lock would even hold against a mad, desperate intruder, try to take a little comfort that I'm there with you, Gotham. I'll be here all night taking your calls and answering your deepest, most profound midnight questions. But before I go to the phones, let's begin our night with a little Billie Holiday and "Gloomy Sunday."

"Good evening. Welcome to Gotham By Midnight. How can I drive away the darkness, caller?" "Well, Charlie, I think I might be going mad because there's an enormous white nipple pressed up against my apartment window!"

Caller, that is a problem some of us would love to have. That's a hard one to answer though because it's an ambiguous portent. If it's a female nipple, it represents life and charity and the pure love of motherhood. If it's a male nipple, it represents whatever the opposite of that is. Like death and greed and the tainted hate of fathersocks. See, socks are the opposite of a hood because they go on the opposite end of the body!

I hated the soft, soothing voice of Charlie so I couldn't help but slip back into my own voice. Besides, I wasn't going to be able to do that stupid radio shtick for the entire commentary!

Although the whole ambiguous nipple thing does fit in to the story since The Spectre is currently trying to decide if he's going to give mother's nipple or father's nipple to Gotham. It depends on how racist the DC Universe's God is. Does he think the native people slaughtered by the founders of Gotham have a case? I mean, Gotham only named the swamps around the city Slaughter Swamp. It's not like they were even trying to hide the city's foundation on genocide! I suppose The Spectre really just has to decide if he's punishing the right people. Obviously the natives of this land have a case! But should The Spectre punish the modern day citizens for the sins of their fathers' nipples? If The Spectre were the judgment of our Christian/Jewish/Muslim God (He is the same God, so why not lump them all together, right?), he'd definitely punish them. The God of the Book really just loved dishing out punishments and he didn't fucking care at all if he was punishing the right person. Fuck, he punished all women forever with childbirth because Eve ate of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge! And he punished all men forever with, um, having to watch the women endure the pain of childbirth because Adam ate of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge! He even punished all serpents with quadriplegia because one serpent couldn't resist a good practical joke. That Guy was a dick.

While The Spectre plays Godzilla to the Ghost of Apache Chief's Other Godzilla, Tarr and Drake break into the bar to find Corrigan leaking green crap out of his face holes and Rook lying on the floor with no heart beat.

I wonder if Scott at Polite Dissent mentioned this use of the defibrillator? Hmm, no. His last post was last Easter!

Tarr and Drake had better hope that the defibrillator was free to use or that it doesn't save Rook's life because there is no way in hell that Rook is going to have the Gotham Police Department pay for this Midnight Shift nonsense.

Corrigan doesn't become The Spectre. His body is just the container for The Spectre. But when The Spectre manifests, Jim does get to hang out inside The Spectre's head kind of like Jason Rusch hangs out in Madison Payne's head. Except less sexually exciting. I think. Maybe The Spectre spends 75% of his time thinking about judgment and 25% of his time thinking about big, fat cocks?

Sister Justine and that Weaver fellow arrive at Corrigan's drinking hole because the climax of a story is best when all the characters wind up in the same place. Especially when you only have about a dozen pages left to finish the story.

What's that other saying? No Rabbis in gloryholes? Look, I'm not saying either saying is true.

How do you find a kosher gloryhole in a sea of goy gloryholes? It's the one not covered in dickcheese.

Jokes are hard to make up! Especially when the premise doesn't even make any sense.

Drake screams like a person named Drake might scream so that Weaver doesn't shoot Corrigan in the face. That would probably just free The Spectre to find some other body to inhabit. Or maybe it would just keep inhabiting Corrigan's body because isn't Jim dead already?

And then The Jeezly Crow Batman arrives to save the Goddamned day!

Or to make things worse. One of those.

I'll never understand how The Batman is so anti-gun but he's pro-every-fucking-other-lethal-weapon in the whole entire universe. Pistols are bad. But boomerangs full of dynamite are peachy! Sniper rifle? No fucking way! Gatling guns attached to the Batmobile? Awesome! Shoulder mounted rocket propelled grenades? Hmm. I actually don't know if he'd be okay with those.

Batman fails to stop Ikkondrid the Giant Ghost Monster with his missiles because his name isn't on the cover. This is Jim's book, Bruce! You don't get to save the day when you're up against magic and religion. You should be saving citizens on the street so that nobody ever dies ever. Why can't you stop death, Bruce? You fucking failure.

Batman crashes his plane into the street and then ditches it like a drunk teenager smashing daddy's car into a tree on prom night. It's good to have a secret identity! Now when the police discover the hit and run, they'll be all, "We can't arrest anybody because this car is registered to The Batman. Dammit! Who the fuck down at the DMV keeps letting this guy register vehicles in costume?!"

Sister Justine is doing that thing Abraham did to try to save Sodom. "Hey, God? If there are like, forty righteous people, will you spare the city?" "Sure!" "How about thirty-five?" "Yeah, I guess." "So then you wouldn't mind going down as low as say...thirty?" "Why not?" "What about ten, God? Ten too little?" "Why the fuck did I choose you? Always gotta question my authority! Always fucking asking for more. You little bitch." At least Justine doesn't waste God's time and just cuts right to the chase and asks to save the city due to one pure soul.

In an earlier issue, Corrigan mentioned that Drake was some kind of creature or something. And since she screams, it makes sense that she's part Banshee. This issue after she screams, she mentions that since she screamed, somebody is going to die. And if there's one thing that Darby O'Gill and the Little People taught me before Dungeons and Dragons taught it to me, it's that when a Banshee screams, somebody fucking dies.

Everyone desperately wants to live so they're all trying to convince God or Jim or The Spectre to not judge Gotham. Because they all know what happens to Gotham if it's judged. Hoo boy, do they know. Out of all the arguments, Sister Justine hits upon one that God really loves. It's that one where an innocent person pays for everybody else's crime? Huge favorite! Taken from the Jewish loophole of the scapegoat, of course. And since Justine offers herself as a martyr in place of everybody in Gotham, God and The Spectre agree. And Ikkondrid the Monstrous Ghost Giant tentatively agrees. For now. Because it's something even if it's still only one life in exchange for thousands. Eventually, Ikky isn't going to feel satisfied and he's going to come back for an appeal.

Batman comes up to Jim and is all, "What the fuck?" And Jim is all, "I know, right?"

Gotham By Midnight #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Thanks for listening, Gotham. Now I'm going to slip out of this robe and slip into a nice, warm tub where I'll slip out of my skin and slip into another reality. Catch you on the underside, Gotham.

Red Lanterns #40

Stop being so dramatic, Guy, and just change your stinky baby.

Last issue, Guy Gardner defeated a baby. He then decided to make the baby his sidekick. Now he and the angriest baby in the world are hitchhiking across America in a piss poor mood.

Oh! One of my relatives posted a picture of my father's parents and two of my cousins from an Easter in the mid-70s! I thought I'd post it here without permission because obviously one of my grandparents had dangerous sex and now It is Following them! It must have been my grandfather because he probably died about six or seven years after this photo was taken. My grandmother lived until a few years ago! I think she only had sex five times in her life.

The It in the white hat kind of looks like she's making a Throw Momma From the Train face. You know. Anne Ramsey, I think her name was? I could look it up but I'm busy laughing at her scowl! "Fucking loving families! How dare they flaunt their joy! I hate Easter!"

My father's parents' names were Doil and Eupha. Seriously.

This issue begins with Guy Gardner and his sidekick, Baby Rabies, searching a dark warehouse and being ambushed by slavering angry dudes. It took a Green Lantern amount of will to not follow "slavering" with "Grues."

Bullshit! You can introduce new aspects to characters but suddenly making Guy Gardner color blind is 99.9% unbelievable.

I don't know a lot about being colorblind but I do know there are different kinds. But aren't they all usually some type of "can't tell the difference between two colors" kind of colorblind? Is there a kind of colorblindness where the colors are all nearly the same but different enough that a person can "barely tell them apart"?

Hey, have you seen that thing that everybody is constantly reblogging about those glasses that let colorblind people see colors they've never seen before? I want a pair of glasses that make me colorblind so I can know what it's like to be colorblind! Is being colorblind like seeing the world as if you were viewing everything on an old Apple IIe color monitor? Where everything is just blue, green, purple, or orange?

Guy Gardner has decided it's time to get all philosophical because Landry Q. Walker doesn't want to be known as one of them stupid comic book writers what gots no education or nothin'! Guy is gonna ponder all the shit that changes in a person when they put on a ring! You may think you're angry without a ring and then you're the same angry person with a red ring but Guy is here to say that's wrong! The ring changes you! I mean, sure, it gives you hot lava breath and makes you an incoherent asshole! But it changes you in other ways that people don't often acknowledge. I don't know what those ways are yet because Guy Gardner doesn't elaborate.

Well he stole a baby! Did he tell you about the baby he stole? You're holding it right now!

What Guy has been up to is killing all of the people that Atrocitus filled with rage. Although he probably tries to think of it less as killing them and more as freeing them. Although he's not buying that for a second which is why Guy is so exhausted. He might also have accidentally killed a few people who weren't possessed by Atrocitus's red rage but were just pissed off over being cut off in traffic or because somebody was talking on their cell phone in a movie theater.

Guy also might just be absorbing the rage from the people that are killing other people and none of the deaths have actually been Guy's fault. I mean, he didn't kill the baby, right? And if he had to kill just one human, I think he'd take his own life at this point. He's just trying to clean up what he sees as his mess, and I'm certain he doesn't want to permanently harm anybody.

If she thinks Guy is being pretentious, I hope she never runs into Oliver Queen. He's saving his city, you know! Because everybody in his city? They're too stupid to save themselves. Bunch of idiots up there in Seattle. I should know! Some of them are my friends.

Guy sends his sister (and his sidekick) to an emergency life pod orbiting the Earth where she'll be safe while he battles all of humanity's rage. I guess things are going to get a little messy down on Earth while this happens? Although it can't get too messy. This series only has seven pages left!

Guy's sister manages to figure out the intercom and tells Guy that he's a hero and that he always sees the best in everybody and that he's colorblind but she loves him anyway. Then Guy is all, "You know, Simon tried to tell me that shit too but I didn't buy it. But now I buy it because you're my sister and I love you and junk! I am a hero!" Then he saves the world by turning anger into hope! Just like Gandhi!

Jesus! Have some sensitivity! Guy has no idea those lights were all different colors!

Red Lanterns #40 Rating: -2 Ranking. I just didn't like the whole color blind revelation. I guess some color blind readers out there are coming in their pants about finally having some representation but it made no Goddamned sense. Unless he's always been colorblind! How should I know? I was away from comics for years! And I barely remember the comics I read before that. But the way Guy reveals it, it sounds like something Walker just made up for this story. Anyway, it was so stupid that now I hate Guy Gardner. Thanks a lot, Landry Q. Walker! Jerko!