Detective Comics #35

Why is the monster variant of Detective Comics just Batman eating a peach?

I feel like I'm missing an important piece of the story each month due to the variant covers. Perhaps I should start Googling them to see what the real covers look like. The real cover looks like Batman on a plane full of corpses. I wonder how much airlines charge dead people to fly? Are they considered carry-ons?

I have a little piece of dried flesh from a cat scratch on the pad of my index finger so that every time I pick my nose, it feels like I have a big crusty booger on the end of my finger. Then I'm disappointed when I try to eat it.

That was a joke! I don't eat my boogers! I never have! I was one of those kids that would wipe his boogers on the underside of his desk in elementary school until they were razor sharp and cut whoever else tried to sit there. I don't enjoy that pastime anymore. Now I only pick my nose when it's absolutely necessary. Like when it itches or something. More often, I just yank out huge, mutant hairs that have begun growing up there. Am I a mutant?

This month, Detective comics has a new creative team! I don't know who any of them are! Let's see...Ben Percy is a young thirty five year old guy that has written short stories about the Oregon desert. That sounds exciting! John Paul Leon drew for Milestone Comics. If his work in this looks familiar, it's because he drew the Red Thunder stuff in some New 52 Animal Man issues. And the other guy is like the colorist or something. Do I really need to know anything about the colorist?! Seriously, my old brain is overloaded with information. Even if I look it up, it won't last up there. It'll get bounced by the part of my brain that remembers the name of every Smurf. And, God forbid, what if it actually replaces that information?! How am I going to impress women at parties?!

Is Bruce taking a vacation to the Oregon desert?!

As Bruce waits to take off in his private jet (enjoying some coffee and walnuts the way billionaires love to do), he learns from a reluctant Alfred that a plane is landing that has lost contact with the air traffic controllers and is probably full of evil dead people. Alfred is all, "You really should let the cops get killed trying to do their job." And Batman is all, "I didn't want to go to Oregon anyway, jerk! Now get me my suit!"

I hope it isn't the Langoliers!

The plane lands and then crashes into Terminal 1. Bruce Wayne looks side eye at Alfred because of course Gotham Police would screw this up! They have never been good at their job ever! That's why Gotham, the television show, is going to be twelve seasons of Gordon convincing a bunch of cops to straighten up and stop collecting bribes and to stop beating witnesses and to stop being assholes but he still won't make them any good at their job. But he will keep convincing a growing Bruce Wayne that "The city can be saved. Seriously, kid, the city can be saved! You have to believe me that those fires will be put out and the city will be saved! Never mind how much crime is exploding all over the city; it will be saved! OH MY GOD WHY WON'T SOMEBODY SAVE THE CITY?!"

Batman is the first person aboard the plane after it comes to a stop because of course he is. You don't see the monster version of Ed Boar, Chief of Police at Gotham International Airport on the cover, do you?!

That's Ed Boar, by the way!

Batman recruits Ed Boar to help him detectivate all over the plane.

"We'll solve this mystery together," shouts The Batman!
"But I have never solved a mystery before, The Batman!" complains Ed Boar as he balds.
"Do not worry, Ed! It is easy! It is very easy for the World's Greatest Detective!" Batman winks. "That would be me if you have been living under a rock in a cave for many years, Ed!"
"Where do we begin, The Batman?" asks Ed amateurishly.
"Look for clues! The dead people might have some clues on them, so be sure to search the dead people very well. I will check the liquor cabinet and the snack tray!"

Look! Batman quickly pretends to see something so that Ed Boar believes that Batman is the best detective in the world.

Batman decides the entire airport needs to be quarantined because everybody on the plane is dead and some fool opened up the plane brashly. "Who was the fool that opened up this plane?" Batman asks. "Did anybody see the fool that did it? No? Nobody? Nobody witnessed it? Good! I mean, darn! That's one clue we don't have!"
"What will we do now?" asks the world's worst detective, Ed Boar.
"Now, we turn on the television because the news usually has some really decent clues to help clue us in on what the story is about."

Magnus Magnuson sounds like a familiar name. Maybe that's because it's the same name twice.

Detective Comics #35 Rating: No change. Batman has a mystery to discover! And he only has eight hours to discover it or else everybody will die! This comic book seems to be in poor taste what with everybody dying of ebola in a few months. I'm not amused!

Swamp Thing #35

Swamp Thing's nemesis should be The Parking Lot.

Due to various reasons (the main reason being that DC won't stop publishing way too many comic books each week), I'm two weeks and two comic books behind. That's not counting Green Arrow #35 which apparently never shipped anywhere in Portland. I think checking two comic book stores qualifies as a big enough sample to draw that conclusion. I knew I should have picked it up when I saw it in Mile High Comics in Denver! Stupid! I'm mentioning this because people are probably thinking, "Why the fuck is Tess writing about a comic book that came out two weeks ago? Everybody was done talking about that comic book when the solicits came out six months ago." I don't actually know how far in advance solicits come out but then that quote wasn't me so I wasn't wrong if the information was wrong. The idiot I was quoting was wrong. And since I was quoting a reader, you might be the idiot!

This issue begins with the origin of curiosity.

Most lives consist of lots of if/then statements that lead to a multiplicity of subroutines. Right now I'm stuck in an if/then loop until I finish this commentary and then I can goto Titanfall.

The impulse is the germination of A Calculus, the guy in the suit with no face that appeared at the end of last issue. He represents machines or efficiency or artificial intelligence. He's a salesmen or a preacher come to sell Swamp Thing a better way! I don't where the better way leads but I feel like it leads away from fun, emotions, wanderlust, and desire. A Calculus is probably all about getting shit done! I hate them already!

I gotta say, I'm emotions!

Now the Monorail Song is stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Lyle Lanley!

I just did some fact checking to make sure I got Phil Hartman's Music Man con artist character's name right and was thoroughly surprised that I did. I don't know what's wrong with you, brain. Why can't you think of the name of people close to you while you're talking with them but you can come up with a twenty year old character from The Simpsons?!

A Calculus offers Alec a deal: Alec allows A Calculus to manage The Green and Alec gets to run around and play superhero. A Calculus makes it sound very appealing, just like good salesmen do. You know, they lay out all the benefits until you're practically shoving the money into their hands before finding out the cost. So, A Calculus. What is this going to cost Swamp Thing?

Swamp Thing, being a better and more informed shopper than I ever was, doesn't even care what the price is. He just tells A Calculus to fuck off and they fuck off.

Jonah, you Luddite! Also, you pine tree!

I guess the idea of the machines running The Green was more of a Shelbyville idea!

Swamp Thing discovers The Machine fortress up in the Arctic where they're sure to never run into any do-gooder heroes because why would any of them ever fly around in the Arctic? Swamp Thing considers sinking their fortress but decides he'll wait until they give him reason to.

I guess next issue he'll have reason to! Jonah was right! I guess even a clock smashed by a Luddite is right twice a day!

Swamp Thing #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. Those salesmen that won't take no for an answer aren't the worst kinds of salesmen. The worst kind are the ones that take no for an answer but then come back later to murder you.

Grayson #3

Even when he's a monster, it's all about Dick Grayson's ass.

Spyral has been hunting body parts much the same way that that one person hunted body parts and then found all the body parts except the penis but who the fuck needs a penis anyway? What good is it? Sure, it makes the testicles look less ridiculous by bisecting the sacky, odd hanging little scrotum. But what else is it good for? Oh, sure, it's lots of fun to put in your mouth and feel its veiny goodness grow harder and harder against your eager tongue. I suppose if you're born with a penis and you're used to having a penis, it would be traumatizing to have it eaten by a fish. But don't worry, folks! That guy that I was talking about never lost his penis! That was just Greek propaganda! Or, more likely, Greek error since they seemed to get a lot of shit wrong. People like to talk about all the great advances they gave the world but if you compare the stuff they knew to the stuff they got wrong, you'd probably have to admit that their discoveries were entirely accidental. If I had a few thousand years to make up all kinds of stupid shit, some of that stupid shit would invariably wind up being true.

The body parts Spyral has been looking for used to belong to a person named Paragon. That person also has some connection with Stormwatch and why they're currently disbanded. And that's why Midnighter has been seen in this comic book. Midnighter has also been seen in this comic book because he hasn't been allowed to beat the fuck out of Batman yet, so he's going to take a shot at Dicky-poo instead.

Currently Dick and Helena need to hunt down Paragon's eyes which are probably being held by a guy named The Old Gun. He's old and he shoots guns.

Seems like a sensible plan.

Since this Old Gun guy exists, and the Ten-Eyed Man exists, I'm just going to assume that a villain exists in the DC Universe that can see through his penis and one that can see through her breasts.

The next scene where Dick Grayson meets Agent 8 may go down in history as one of my favorite scenes ever in comic book history. Sure, sure. It's a little bit obvious. Female agent teaching male agent how to work his gun so that it results in a female orgasm. Or something. Well, Tim Seeley did it better! But the way the scene finishes with Agent 8 helping Grayson steady his gun and telling him to cause the explosion leading to a turn of the page where the reader is greeted with this:

Magnificent!

Who knew my earlier rambling about penises would pay off so quickly!

The pillowy gun talk that follows sucks because it shows Tim Seeley is entirely too competent and knows what he's doing. Dick is in good hands. Which means I'm not going to have any fun at all trashing this comic book as I read it. Suck it, Tim Seeley. How dare you ruin my good time.

During the pillow talk, Dick points out that guns don't solve problems. Dick wants to help The Old Gun and shooting him is the least helpful thing he can think to do. So now Dick is going to have to teach Agent 8 how to rely on things other than guns! And most of those things will probably have "bat" shoved onto their names.

Dick and Agent 8 and Agent 1 and Helena all head to Kuala Lumpur where Dick encounters The Old Gun during the one moment Dick can be sure The Old Gun's eyes are holstered.

That's a weird place for great big windows! They must have been installed for plot reasons.

Dick kind of fucks up the mission so that the other agents ditch to meet up again later. Or maybe Dick didn't fuck it up at all but wanted to help The Old Gun without the other spies breathing down his neck telling him to stop being such a do-gooder. Except that plan fails almost immediately and Agent 1 saves Dick's life. In doing so, they have to let The Old Gun get away. But they don't take his eyes. I would have taken at least one of his eyes!

Look, he's not going to use a gun! So give him something he will use! Like a couple of sticks!

Dick Grayson decides he needs some proper intel on The Old Gun so he calls up Batman and asks him to feed some punch cards into the Bat Computer. The Bat Computer spits out a note that says The Old Gun has a preschool aged son. Dick realizes that must be why The Old Gun wants Paragon's eyes for himself. It's much easier to look at your son in public if you aren't sticking a gun in his face.

Using his new, useful, non-Spyral information, Dick Grayson intercepts The Old Gun to try talking to him again. This time it works and The Old Gun gives Dick the eyes because he can't use them and everybody has a good laugh! The end!

Whoops! Wait! The comic was supposed to end on the laugh, right?!

The Old Gun was shot by Agent 8. In retaliation, The Old Gun shoots Agent 8! See what happens when you rely on guns, Agent 8! The whole world goes blind! Or something.

I want a hand embroidered quote to hang on my bathroom that says, "Gunliness is next to Godliness." I once took a Shakespeare class in college where the professor mentioned how much he loved a specific quote (which I can't remember so I should make it up just to improve the story) and said he'd love to have it hanging in his house. So on the day of the final, a girl from class gave him the quote, hand embroidered and framed. He gave her an A and let her leave without taking the final. I got an A in that class too and it also had to do with a gift with "hand" in its name!

After the shootout, we learn Agent 8's name is Alia but she's dead now so it hardly matters. Agent 1's name is Tiger. And Agent 37's name is Dick Grayson!

Here are more secrets known to Spyral! Too bad this secret is known to everybody already.

Grayson #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. If Dick Grayson can become my favorite character after hating him for twenty-five years, I wonder if I'll love Vibe when I'm 68?

Aquaman and the Others #6

Welcome to the 90s, The Others!

I bet you could replace the punch line of any joke with "Aquaman!" and it would still be funny!

"How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"Aquaman!"

Okay, maybe my theory was wrong. But at least I took the time to try one experiment before declaring if it was or wasn't valid. Maybe I just inserted him into the joke poorly. Let me try another one.

Aquaman walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you?" Aquaman perks up, excited to finally be recognized, and asks, "You've got a drink called a Big Dumb Stupid Loser Face?"

That joke needs some workshopping but I think it's close!

This issue begins with Aquaman and Mera looking dopey.

They look dopier in the full body shot that left off their feet. But I didn't want to waste the storage space on a full page scan.

The person Aquaman is speaking to is Vostok-XI. But Vostok-XI, being a clone of Vostok-X, still thinks he's Vostok-X. I suppose if he'd been cloned early in Vostok-X's life, he'd think he was Vostok-IX! But Aquaman and the Others, being that they don't live in the Marvel Universe, have not had a lot of experience with clones.

Let's take a quick statistical look at this comic book after three pages, shall we?

Number of Panels: Two.
Number of Seagulls: About thirty-seven.
Idiots That Don't Know Their Roman Numerals: One (at least).
Idiots That Don't Know Their Alphabet: One (at least).
Ya'wara's Butt Cheeks: Zero.
Bored Readers: One that I know of. Actual number probably equal to the number of issues this comic book sold.

iSpy's son, Aaron, is the idiot that doesn't know his alphabet or his Roman Numerals. He thinks that this Vostok, being a clone of Vostok-X, should be called either "Vostok-II" or "Vostok-Z". He's wrong on both counts!

Anyway, who is Vostok-X?! I hope this doesn't turn into a five part story to find out because I don't really care! He's a Russian guy with a magic helmet that lives on the moon. So what if there are two of them? Or were two of them. Just pretend this guy is the real one and get on with telling another story in which he dies. Aquaman decides a replacement copy of an old friend is just about as good as having the old friend back and that's good enough for The Others.

Cool kids? What cool kids? Where?

Aquaman shows Mera just how deluded he is when he tells her that the world needs The Others. Why? What have they ever done to help save the world? I think they hunted down Black Manta and pissed him off which eventually got two of them killed. And they battled a guy that only wanted back the antiquities they stole from him. I think what Aquaman meant to say was that Dan Jurgens needs them or else he isn't going to be getting much of a paycheck from DC.

Four more pages in and the Seagull Count has increased by about 34 more!

Ya'wara and Sayeh head to Tehran where the number one concern is that Ya'wara not go outside because she's practically naked and she'll inadvertently give all the Iranian men boners and then they'll have to stone her for being a vile temptress. Unless the main concern with her roaming the streets is that she's wearing two big daggers on her hips.

A lot of other boring stuff happens and there are more seagulls. And then something less boring happens! Unless it's more boring? I can't tell. Anyway, it's different.

Dan Jurgens was only allowed access to the most boring and inconsequential villains of the DC Universe.

KGBeast isn't alone. He's working with a woman in green. She's probably The Leprechaun and her main concern is a united, peaceful, powerful Ireland. They're probably in a group with other Nation-themed villains called The United Nations of Pain! KGBeast tosses iSpy off of the roof of a building because a comic book hasn't ended with the hero falling to their inevitable deaths in over a month! Mostly due to the Futures End issues not having cliffhangers.

Aquaman and the Others #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. This book is so fucking boring I might actually stop reading one of DC's New 52 soon.

Batman Loves Superman #14

One second after this picture was taken, Superman "accidentally" ripped Batman's face off.

Last issue, Batman and Superman suffered a case of spontaneous amnesia. Too bad for me, neither one of them is the Narrator. That would have saved me from having to read this story! Instead, I'm going to finish reading this story and then promptly come down with my own case of spontaneous amnesia (it'll be prompt because it's spontaneous!). That sounds so relaxing! Why don't humans have reset buttons on their brains? I think that's proof against Intelligent Design because any intelligent designer would have enabled humans to reboot without a third party power surge. That's a reference to electroshock therapy!

I wonder if I should begin using footnotes? That would make my blog edgy and postal modern!

I learned today that my non-certified step in-laws think they should get me drunk more often because I'm more fun that way, that when I come to visit I usually just hide myself away and read a book, and that I kept whining one Thanksgiving because my non-certified father-in-law put chicken broth in the vegetables! I have to say the first two things are absolutely true. Although, as an addendum, I'm a lot of fun when I'm not drunk and when I'm actually interested in being around the people I'm hanging around. As for the last one, it pisses me off. I hate when people believe something that isn't true and now have based an opinion on you off of that "fact." What happened was, when it became common knowledge that the vegetables were tainted with chicken stink, I said, "Don't worry about it." So my step-brother-in-law either wants to believe that vegetarians are all whiny assholes that can't deal with a family member's mistake, or, and this is entirely probable and most likely possible, I kept faking like it ruined the whole night and he, not knowing me very well because I'm always in the other room reading books, took my comments at face value. What a jerk!

Don't worry! The above won't cause any family drama because it'll probably be a cold day in a fictional place (that isn't Narnia) before they read anything written by me! They're into art you can look at and oooh and aaahhh over amongst other people. What I'm saying is that they're actually into impressing other people with their reactions to art rather than the art itself! Unless they're reading this for some reason and then, ha ha! It was all a big joke and in good fun! What good sports you are!

Oh my god! I have a new hobby! I'm going to pitch one comic book idea to DC's Twitter account every day until they let me write all of their titles! Or at least let me replace Greg Pak! I can come up with ideas twice as good as his stuff! Here's one I just thought up off the top of my head: Superman and Batman go to Subway and order identical sandwiches. Chaos ensues!

So this is the premise of this story? Will Superman and Batman still be heroes without their memories?! That's Remedial Plot Writing 101, Greg Pak! I'd rather read my Subway story!

Bruce Wayne, having forgotten that his parents weren't supposed to die in vain, has been living it up playboy billionaire bachelor style! He's banging Mayor Hady's wife (unless it's a different Mayor) and taking away Alfred's health insurance. Without the memory of his parents, he's forgotten how to be a hero! Well played, Kaiyo! And Greg Pak! Except I have a feeling Batman's personality is going to win out somehow. Maybe a poor child will give Bruce a flower and then hug him, and Bruce will be all, "She must have had an extra flower and then wiped her hands on me."

That last sentence would have a footnote telling you to read my Justice League #34 commentary but I'm not hip and portmanteau enough to have footnotes or meandering texts or webpages that can only be read when you spin your monitor around.

If I were Superman, I'd probably begin unbuckling my pants at this point. "Ladies, ladies! There's enough super cock to go around!"

While Catwoman rubs her crotch on the back of Superman's neck (That's how I first fell in love!), Lois tries to explain to Superman that he's lost his memories. But not having any memories, Superman finds it hard to believe that he's lost his memories. Doesn't everybody just go around naked and confused? That Lois Lane isn't going to fool him into betraying his new cat girlfriend! She'll have to rub a lot more than her crotch on him to convince him she's the one to trust!

Superman leaves with the correct woman, leaving Lois Lane all alone when Batman arrives. I don't mean to offend any robots with that last statement since Lois is left with some robots. But robots, no matter how intensely they vibrate and how smoothly they slide into nether orifices, can never replace the company of another human being. Oh, they can totally replace other human beings' usually negligible sexual skills! But they can't replace their company!

I think when she said "stupid," she meant to say "upbeat."

Superman decides he should probably figure out who he is and what motivates him so that he can start pretending to be himself. And who better to tell him who he is than Toymaster!

That could use a footnote too! And then it would list about fifty different people who would be better suited to explain to Superman what Superman means. But since this is Greg Pak's comic book, I guess we'll let him have New 52 characters he's developed explain to Superman what makes him so super and inspiring. I bet it's the bright, primary colors.

Batman goes through his own trial of remembrance with Lois Lane and The Scarecrow. But Batman's going to have to remember the death of his parents before he becomes a hero again, so that's going to be sad. Unless Greg Pak finds the hilarity in it! I hope he goes that way with the story.

"Okay, Master Bruce. But first, your Rohypnol Tea!"

Alfred tells Bruce about his parents and Bruce is all, "Yeah, yeah. I already know that! Tell me how to be Batman already!" And Alfred is all, "Well, first you have to suck this."

Meanwhile, Superman teams up with Toymaster and Catwoman to become Judge Dredd.

Batman Loves Superman #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. Next issue, Batmite and Mr. Mxyzptlk arrive to kick Kaiyo and Lord Satanus's asses for taking their jobs. Goddamned scabs.

Justice League #34

Meet your Early Autumn 2014 Justice League! *Are You Ready For This begins playing*

Ten members of the Justice League and only 1/2 of one of them is black? That's fucked up, DC. At least Power Ring has upped the female to male ratio to "not even close to adequate." It's also upped the number of members deemed way too dangerous to be on the team to three! I think Batman needs to perfect his interview process. Currently it amounts to this:

Batman: "Everybody who knows my secret identity, you're hired!"

Although for a guy worried about his secret identity getting out, what was he thinking telling Green Lantern his real identity when he first met him during the invasion of Darkseid? No wonder the Bat-Family was so concerned that he told The Joker their secrets. Which he actually did! Kind of! You know, that one time he visited him in Arkham as Bruce Wayne! Batman is an asshole.

Captain Cold has taken a job with Lexcorps as some kind of head of security or threat assessment manager or something. Also, he sleeps in his glasses. Also also, he thinks he's smarter than Lex Luthor.

Oh Leonard. Too bad The Calculator wasn't a Rogue. He'd help you do the math. About three and a half billion people are smarter than you, Lenny. And only one of those people is smarter than Lex Luthor. It's Niles Caulder, by the way.

This issue is the epilogue to "Injustice League" which was the story of Lex, Power Ring, and Captain Cold joining the Justice League. It was also the story of The Doom Patrol but since their story involved so much abuse at the hands of that asshole Niles Caulder, it wasn't worth mentioning in the title.

This issue begins with unlikely teammates Superman and Lex Luthor battling a lactating Grodd.

Gross.

Lex, being the smartest person on Earth, begins committing logical fallacies all over the place. Superman, being the dopiest guy on Earth, begins spouting trite cliches he probably heard Ma use every weekend.

Ma Kent: "Why son, if I had a nickel for every time you locked that bathroom door saying you were reading only to have to get Pa to fix what looked like a shotgun blast in the sheet rock, I'd be richer than a possum's lawyer on Labor Day."

While Lex and Supes bicker, Grodd coughs up semen and lactates. He probably just got done masturbating into his own mouth because, even though he's sentient, he's still a Goddamned ape!

Not that apes are the only creatures that masturbate into their own mouths!

I wonder if Salmon try to spawn on their friends? Imagine spending one of your final acts on Earth spraying your best friend in the face with your semen. Leave this earth on a hearty belly laugh!

Stop thinking about Batman and how rich he is! You're fighting a telepath, jerko!

Here I've been calling Lex Luthor the smartest man on Earth and he doesn't understand Batman's role on the Justice League? Batman plays the most important role of all! He plays the part of the angry, silent father that everybody tiptoes around because they're afraid he's going to blow up and start beating everyone with a two by four! I think that's important to promote ambition and to keep members of the team focused! Unless the most important role is played by Superman. That's the role of the loving, inclusive mother that makes sure all of her children feel special and capable of going out into the world and doing whatever they want. Wonder Woman plays the role of older sister that nobody knows what to do with so she re-imagines herself every few years trying to find a personality that other people will flock to. Aquaman plays the role of Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch or Scrappy Doo from Scooby Doo or Sam from Diff'rent Strokes; a character that never needed to be added to the story and everybody hated except for contrarian assholes that have to point out how Aquaman is hyper-cool, thus ignoring his best and silliest aspects in favor of grimnity and strengthcity.

Superman decides to quote Albert Einstein because it's always impressive to be able to tell somebody what somebody else once said so that your opinion sounds important even though people would rather have your own honest opinion in your own words over some quote by some dead guy that is only known for having crazy hair and selling lots of posters to college kids of himself with his tongue stuck out.

I once interfaced with a ring that played havoc with my programming too! But that was college so it was well within the parameters of acceptable aberrant behavior!

Aberrant is a dangerous word to use! I bet I caused a lot of mouths to froth with that statement! But I wasn't using "aberrant" in a collective sense! I was using it in a personal sense! Like in "I did something that strayed from the pattern of behavior I had established in the previous twenty years of my life!" But nobody wants to hear that story! It's boring!

Okay, okay! I'll tell it! I realized that I'd been ordering my fast food meals all wrong! Onion rings over french fries was totally the way to go!

Ha ha! Oh, Arnold Drummond! What a cut-up!

While Cyborg thinks up a reason to quote B.A. Baracus next, The Flash informs Power Ring's host that she's in a shit bunch of trouble.

Fuck the Timbers!

Speaking of Sullivan's Gulch, there is a Fred Meyer in that location. It has two distinct entrances, one from Broadway that's probably the entrance most people not familiar with Sullivan's Gulch use and a side entrance near an overpass over I-84. If you were a dumb guy that wasn't very smart and mostly kind of dumb, you might think that there were two Fred Meyers in Sullivan's Gulch. But there aren't. There's just the one. So next time you're having Thanksgiving with your family, Mr. Hypothetical Guy, and you're thinking about telling a story involving the two different Fred Meyers located in Sullivan's Gulch, you might want to check out a map of the area first.

Jesus Christ, I'm such a patronizing dickhead sometimes! All the time? A good portion of the time!

Jessica the Host realizes she's found a Major Artifact that has a high ego and she doesn't have the strength to not give in to its will. Is there a place in the DC Universe where you can rent a Gollum to bite off ring fingers? Or--I should correct myself--middle fingers wearing power rings? Why do Lanterns always wear rings on their middle fingers? Maybe I haven't been as observant a I should be and only humans wear them on their middle fingers so they don't look like wedding rings purchased by a spouse with no taste. Although since nobody in the DC Universe is allowed to get married, the ring on the ring finger shouldn't cause any confusion. Hell, I don't even know what hand the wedding ring is supposed to be on!

Maybe DC artists just thought they could get away with having Lanterns flip people the bird by sticking it on the middle finger?

Jessica freaks out because Barry isn't the best guy in situations where people have to remain calm. Where's Batman when you need that angry, stoic, inaccessible father figure?!

Later (I guess it's later because Lex is not longer bothering Superman) Lex is bothering Wonder Woman.

Lex answers honestly by saying helping others is a means to a selfish end. Wasn't he paying attention when Superman quoted Einstein earlier?!

After this scene, the comic book has a double page advert for Gotham with lots and lots of rave, one word reviews with the web addresses of the sites that said those one words. Why didn't I rave about Gotham so that I could get some free press just by saying one word about Gotham! I could have done it without being a dick! Here are some quotes from Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea that DC can use in their next advertisement. These are also applicable to The Flash, Arrow, and Constantine (although I haven't seen Constantine yet. I'm sure they'll work. They're just a few words!).

"Watchable!"
"Comic books on the TV?! WHAT?!"
"Remember when James Gordon was in that show where they celebrated Chrismukkah? How dare those Jews take the 't' out of Christ!"
"I bet Selina Kyle is going to be hot when she's older! She's kind of hot now!"
"I bet Bruce Wayne is going to be hot when he's older! He's kind of hot now!"
"Why was that scientist keeping a monkey in a particle accelerator?!"
"It's a tv show! On TV!"
"The show would look better if Jim Lee first scribbled on all of the actors' faces."
"Remember when Harvey Bullock was in Grounded for Life? No? How about The Tao of Steve?"
"Why is Alfred Pennyworth such a stupid, stodgy, cock blockage?"
"I can't wait for Professor Pyg to appear so he can de-sex everything!"
"Where's The Joker? I want to see Baby Joker!"
"How dare you thinwash The Penguin!"
"Not enough blimps! Or spotlights!"
"Why didn't NBC announce John Constantine was bisexual in the first press release?! Fuck this show! How dare they not acknowledge his sexuality immediately! Fuck you, DC!"
"Looking for abdomen muscles? Look no further!" (That one would probably best be used for Arrow!)
"Why isn't this show called 'Captain Cold' for fuck's sake?!"

That's probably more than enough quotable quotes. Now I just have to sit back and reap the benefits! I wish my pal Sterling Gates would point his buddy Geoff Johns this way so he can pick which quote he likes best for his new shows!

Whoops! I completely interrupted a touching moment in the comic book with my need for fame!

Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm dead inside or I'm just immune to sappy bullshit.

What is wrong with the psychiatric community?! This is how you cure sociopaths! Third world children hug and flower therapy! Sociopaths will never not feel again after undergoing months and months of torturous, sappy bullshit!

Lex Luthor, after receiving his 63rd round of Flower/Hug Therapy: "Oh! I get it! I finally get it! She has too many flowers and she needed to wipe her hands on me!"

Batman and Superman plan to bust Lex Luthor for some trumped up charge simply because he does thing differently than they do. Sure, some of those things might be illegal and some might be dangerous to the populace at large and some might be inherently selfish and some might be plans to work with Owlman of the Crime Syndicate in exchange for getting him Superwoman's child...but I don't think any of those things are reasons to jump to the conclusion that he can't be trusted! The Justice League are a bunch of jerks.

Justice League #34 Rating: +4 Ranking. This series has had more misses than hits. But this month was delightful. Or maybe I just really entertained myself during the commentary. One of those.

Justice League 3000 #10

Oh my God! I am so in love with Locus! If love means wanting to slap pee pees. If it means anything else, then I should probably invest in a dictionary.

I've constantly pointed out how my blog is a dinosaur and it probably shouldn't even be on Tumblr since it has so much writing and so very few pictures and pithy quotes. But I must defend what I am doing at all costs! But I can't do it myself because that's just more of my own blathering on top of some of my other blathering. So instead, I've done something I'm not prone to do: research! Therefore, in my defense, I have found a quote that supports the way most people use Tumblr over the way I have been using it!

"One must also remember that of itself the multitude is mentally inert, that it remains attached to its old habits and that it is not naturally prone to read something which does not conform with its own pre-established beliefs when such writing does not contain what the multitude hopes to find there. Therefore, some piece of writing which has a particular tendency is for the most part read only by those who are in sympathy with it. Only a leaflet or a placard, on account of its brevity, can hope to arouse a momentary interest in those whose opinions differ from it. The picture, in all its forms, including the film, has better prospects. Here there is less need of elaborating the appeal to the intelligence. It is sufficient if one be careful to have quite short texts, because many people are more ready to accept a pictorial presentation than to read a long written description. In a much shorter time, at one stroke I might say, people will understand a pictorial presentation of something which it would take them a long and laborious effort of reading to understand."

See? This quote supports the way Tumblr is generally used and shows that I'm doing it all wrong! Which is my defense that I'm doing everything right because this quote is from Adolf Hitler! I think disagreeing with Hitler is all the evidence I need that writing long-winded, rambling texts that don't conform to the beliefs of the masses is the best way to blog!

Unless this is one of those times I should agree with Hitler? Are there ever any of those times ever? Maybe I should condense all of my commentaries to 140 characters and just continue this on Twitter! Or I could learn to do some other impossible things, like fly or breathe underwater! Right?!

Previously in Justice League 3000, The JL3k Gang had escaped the clutches of The Fatal Five. Ariel Masters has taken them to Camelot Nine, a renaissance fair world plagued by Etrigan the Demon (yay! That's the best kind of plague!). But King Arthur doesn't think they should be allowed to stay (boo!).

Here's one of those pictorial presentations that Hitler loved so much.

Instead of helping King Arthur battle Etrigan the Demon and his forces like they should if they want to sell more comic books, the JL3k Gang begin plans setting a trap for the Fatal Five's arrival. Judging by the cover, the trap is not going to work very well.

I hope we get to see Etrigan 3000 before this is over!

Over on Cadmusworld, the Fatal Five ar...when did Cadmus become the big overarching evil organization in the DC Universe? That must be something I missed out on in the 2000s when I wasn't reading anything but Fables and Walking Dead. Was Maxwell Lord running Cadmus when he shot Blue Beetle in the face? I suppose he was if he was involved in all of the Brother Eye and OMAC shenanigans that somebody high up at DC (Dan Didio?) must have decided were the best bad guys ever invented because they just won't go away. Even after everything has been rebooted, Cadmus gets to remain the ultimate evil organization. I guess DC did try to make the Daemonites the big mystery bad guys of the New 52 but that didn't take very well. I'm sure they'll have a part to play in Futures End at some point though.

The JL3k Gang set the trap in some old ruins on Camelot Nine.

What could it be?! What is the secret of the super powerful ruins?! Is it a Monitor Space Station?!

Over on Cadmusworld, The Fatal Five forget that being evil means your arrogance and pride will lead to disaster. So Terry says, "Fuck caution in the ass and fling our semen in the wind! Let's go kill those meddling kids!" Then they step into the teleport and into the best page ever in this comic book.

Etrigan wears stupid shoes.

Too bad that's the only page with Etrigan 3000. He doesn't get to defeat the Fatal Five. He doesn't even get to bite off a nice, attractive hunk of one of them. The Fatal Five simply emerge, in a few panels, beside the JL3k Gang and begin the fight. So while it was a nice moment to get to see Etrigan 3000, it really didn't do much for the plot.

The fight between The Fatal Five and the JL3k Gang lasts much longer than the single panel of Locus wishing them out of existence that it should last. I'm starting to think Locus might not have allocated many stat points to her intelligence. But that's okay! She doesn't need high smarts when her adorably sexy cuteness is off the charts. I've never claimed to be deep or profound!

The entire team takes out Kali while The Fatal Four Others stand around clearing their heads from the exploding transversal and from whatever it is Etrigan and his demons did to them (I hate to be the one to bring this up but it was probably rape after evisceration. They are demons, after all. And what kind of place would Hell be if nobody were allowed to mention rape? I bet Hell is just rape jokes, 24/7. Oh, and rape! And evisceration!). After that, Batman knocks out The Convert because The Convert is an idiot that forgot that thing I mentioned about arrogance and also that other thing I failed to mention which was overconfidence.

Green Lantern defeats Locus because he's a jerk and she's, well...she's a bit stupid. I suppose when you have somebody with the power to change reality, they have to be a lot dumb or they'd never be defeated.

Oh, and then Wonder Woman and Superman really defeat Kali because I don't know how to read comic books.

After that, the only two members of The Fatal Five left are the useless ones, Terry and Coeval. Okay, maybe Coeval isn't entirely useless. But he's definitely not going to perform on a backwater planet like Camelot Nine that has no technology. Except maybe the Monitor Satellite Ruins they're fighting on.

More Etrigan! Because Giffen and DeMatteis are creatures of the Preboot Universe. And also maybe a little bit of the Pre-Crisis era too!

Justice League 3000 #10 Rating: +1 Ranking simply because Etrigan appeared on panel. I'm the easiest date ever.