Superman #27

Why does Lois have an IV hooked into her breast?

It's about time Lois gets her psychic powers taken away from her. I'm not sure what idiotic editors heard Scott Lobdell pitch an idea where Lois Lane becomes psychic so that she can be the greatest reporter in the world (thus cheapening her actual accomplishment as one of the greatest reporters in the world using normal means) but they were idiots. Hmm, did I already cover that? Maybe I should have thought more about that sentence construction. I suppose they came to their senses and realized what a bad idea it was, telling Lobdell he needed to fix it before the new creative team took over this book and made it interesting.

Let me reiterate before I go on to repeat myself over and over about how much Lobdell sucks at writing comic books: Superman has had 27 issues now and none of them have been interesting or worthy of the character. Confusing. Awful. Bullshit. Archaic. None of the various writers seemed to know how to tell a good Superman story. The best Superman story of The New 52 so far was in All Star Western #27. Now that fucker acted like the way I'd expect him to. Patient. Kind. Looking to help out however he can. And also willing to step away from a situation instead of forcing himself on another person's life that didn't need his help. That was a Superman I can respect.

Anyway, at the end of last issue, Lois Lane was getting her energy siphoned off by Parasite. This issue begins with Superman saving her in two pages. But Parasite has already taken a nice big bite of Lois's psionic power, so she's out of it and he's into it.

I'd rather just read a story about a day in the life of Joshua Allen Michael before he became Parasite. He seemed much more interesting than this monster that shouts horribly bad one-liners.

Here we see the subtle finesse of Scott Lobdell handling his characters. Superman choosing, once again, to use his fists over his brains, and The Parasite saying one stupid fucking thing after another. It's elegant in its laziness.

You wouldn't be surprised if I said it gets worse, would you?

It gets worse.

Jonathon blows up a tank of oxygen by shooting it at point blank range. This does nothing except force Superman to grab Jonathon and save his ass. He takes him to Lois where The Parasite (remember how I said the explosion does nothing?) appears instantaneously. Maybe not instantaneously. Superman did have a moment to lie to Jonathon and say that he has no idea why the Parasite is after Lois. So when the Parasite arrives, it just happens to point out that Lois is psychic and Superman must obviously know that because Jonathon needs to hear that Superman just lied to him and what more trusted source than the monster trying to kill everyone? All of that leads to this fucking ridiculous stupid piece of shit-I-wish-I-knew-more-fucking-swear-words moment:

Oh, fuck you, Jonathon, and your paper thin, sensitive fucking feelings. You twat. You berry picker. You old crusty yellow cumstain.

Meanwhile, Cat proves to the world that she's no fucking Lois Lane.

"Clarkcatropolis.com! We get the news. We give it you!" Who writes their copy? Frankenstein, Tonto, and Tarzan?

Note she also fucking stumbles on an earlier sentence as well. Perhaps she should hire somebody to do the press conferences since Cat can get a little tongue-tied. Oh! Maybe this is just a sly reference to Cat's dream on Red Dwarf!



After Cat heads back to her office, Morgan Edge breaks into it and offers her thirteen million dollars for her company. Oh, in cash by the way. Which isn't too suspect or weird in any way at all. I would have immediately dropped my offer by two million dollars after pointing out how idiotic she sounded speaking to the press and how shit like that can lose shit tons of investor cash.

A shit ton is a very precise measure equaling 4.2 million corrupt dollars that have yet to be laundered.

After that scene in which Cat will not sell because she's an idiot (unless she does sell since that's part of cleaning the slate for the next creative team!), Lobdell gives us a single page of Sam Lane in DC where a shadowy figure asks him, quite ominously, what he knows about...THE TOWER! So that's two issues in a row now where Lobdell tries to build up some excitement for some shitty story that he hadn't figured out by the time he wrote this. And hopefully it never gets sorted before he's off this title.

Meanwhile Clark is proving that he's not going to be any better at speaking to the press on Clarkcatropolis.com's behalf.

"Pisonic"? Is Parasite just making everyone stupid?

Now that Superman has beaten the shit out of Parasite because Parasite must have made himself stupid as well and he forgot to suck off Superman and steal his strength, Superman is contemplating using Parasite to cure Lois of her psychic powers. Sure, Parasite could easily kill her. But Lois is the fucking asshole that threatened to expose his secret identity for her own glory as a newshound. What kind of a best friend is she? Jimmy Olsen wouldn't do that to you, Clark!

Don't be a dick, Supes.

Superman allows Parasite to feed off of Lois and the power overwhelms The Parasite, knocking him unconscious. Jonathon says, "Dude!" And Superman goes, "Suck it!" And Lois is all, "Now boys!" And everybody lived happily ever after.

Except Jonathon is bitter and angry at Superman for risking Lois's life and Superman is all guilty and ashamed for risking Lois's life to save his secret identity and Lois probably wouldn't fucking give a shit so these two assholes might as well just forget the whole thing. Plus I think Superman walks away from the scene leaving The Parasite to later gain consciousness and go on another rampage.

Finally, Helspont gets a message that he hasn't been humiliated and underused enough in The New 52, so he should probably get right back on that horse and go take a few more kicks to the balls.

Superman #27 Rating: No change. Poor Superman must be so tired of sucking ass in his own title. You know the biggest travesty?! I'm paying 25% off cover price for these comic books to comment on them in a fairly timely manner when they're going to be overflowing the Quarter Bins in just a few years! I'm investing backwards!

Talon #15

Is Marguerite Bennett DC's pinch hitter? Should we start a pool for what hero she'll eventually write a monthly for? Or has it already been revealed by Bleeding We're Too Cool For School News?

Marguerite's name always makes me hungry for pizza and tequila! Calvin Rose's name always makes me hungry because I usually eat when I'm bored.

I just asked Lord Google when Talon was going to be cancelled so I can write my commentary with that knowledge tucked safely away in my brain bank before getting started. Actually, I asked Lord Google "Talon cancelle" which is probably why he doesn't fucking respect my amazing intellect. That led me to a forum on comic vine and, even though I know better than to waste my time in a forum on a popular website, I began scanning the responses. This was the first response after the initial post of Talon #17's synopsis:

The Stegman: "Kinda saw this coming, it's why I didn't add it to my pull, I'm done investing time and money into a title to have it cancelled before issue 20"

At the risk of exposing myself as a total asshole, I'd like to say this to The Stegman: "Fuck you, you psychic bitch!" Okay, that probably wasn't very clear or necessary but I kind of feel like I'm letting myself down if I don't allow myself to be a jerk to people I don't know who have expressed an opinion that I don't agree with and that I really don't fucking understand. The reason you didn't add this to your pull list is because you knew it would be cancelled before Issue #20 and that would have wasted your time and money? Sorry for repeating what The Stegman just said for people with competent reading comprehension but I just had to do that "double take in text by repeating the other person's statement" thing before I continue.

So. Dr. Stegman. How is your time and money wasted on a story if it doesn't somehow reach your magical number of twenty? How is that some kind of loss to your time? Was your Doctorate Thesis working out a formula for exactly how long a story must be to make it worth a person's time and money? Entertainment = Length of story times...oh wait. Those are all of your variables! The length of the story is equal to the entertainment value of the money! Of course, I'm making an assumption that is opening up a chink in my logical armor by equating "worthwhile investment of time and money" as "entertainment value."

Now if your reasoning had been "I don't want to read seventeen more fucking issues of the Court of Owls which is why I didn't add it to my pull," I'd agree with you. Except by your rationale, twenty more issues of the Court of Owls would have somehow made it worth it! I'm wondering if this is just a subtle and coded defense for pirating Talon? Is that it? Is that the piece I'm missing because if you throw in that variable, what you're saying kind of makes sense. You're tired of paying for comic books and the fact that they never get up to issue twenty is reason enough for you to pirate them?

Once again! Chink in my logical armor due to a supposition! But you can't really have a rational debate when the debate begins with a nonsensical and irrational premise!

I wonder if I should read more of this forum! Maybe Doctor Too Important For Short Comic Runs Stegman will explain himself (or herself although most probably himself) further!

I did read further! And most of the other comments were other psychics chiming in with more variations of "saw this coming TBH" or "thought it would have happened sooner smh" or "DC sucks."

If you hadn't been able to tell, I'm avoiding reading the actual comic book. Talon really has bored me to fucking orgasm for 75% of its run. No, I don't spontaneously orgasm when I get bored! But I do often choose to masturbate when I get bored! I mean, have sex with lots and lots of willing partners!

Is this the Talon version of the Venom Suit?

As you can see if you actually read the words in the pictures, this issue is called "For Every Life, a Feather." What the fuck does that mean? Is that referring to the Egyptian method of a judging souls that I may or may not be misremembering? Maybe it has something to do with angels? Oh wait! Do Talon's leave behind a feather whenever they take a life? That might be it!

I've mentioned time and time again that I'm completely sick of The Court of Owls. But that might not be as true as I've led myself to believe! I think I still love the Court of Owls as a shadowy organization controlling Gotham but that's seen as a nothing more than an Urban Legend. Feathers being found next to freshly killed Gothamites is interesting to me in the continuance of the superstition in the hearts and minds of the residents of Gotham. I like The Court of Owls as a possibility and a warning and scary tale more than I actually like them as a group of greedy, power hungry assholes who delude themselves into believing their motives are for the good of everyone when they're really just out to line their pockets and bolster their egos.

I also like The Gotham Butcher because who doesn't love a murderous scamp giving the finger to authority figures? "Who's my widdle muwdewer? Who's a cutey? Who's a killer sweet puff?"

I hope I like Venom Talon as much as I liked The Gotham Butcher! More actually since...and let me be frank and honest for once in my shallow life...I really didn't find him all that fascinating anyway. It's just he was more exciting than dead Calvin Rose the Escape Artist that suddenly had no reason to escape any death traps because he couldn't fucking die.

The story runs backwards revisiting moment by previous moment which Venom Talon has experienced while wandering through the Labyrinth.

Stuff happens.

According to my interpretation of this vision, Venom Talon's mother viewed her children as chickens. She butchered the lot of them but Venom Talon was saved by the blind flaming-maned lion of righteous justice. Which means Commissioner Gordon shot her dead before she could kill her final child. But her child now thinks of himself as a bird and he was an orphan so the members of The Court of Owls all looked one from the other while pointing to their chests and then to another member's chest and mouthing, "Yeah? You? Me? Yeah? No? No? Yeah? Him? What?" Then the Grandmaster said in a great booming voice, "Dost Thou Think What I Dost Think?" Unless he knew archaic English grammar better than I do and then he probably would have said that differently. So The Court took the little bird boy into its open arms because they really get fucking tired of people saying "take the orphan under their wings." Plus they're all really into Journey.

Oh, and the gigantic owl in the background of the picture is The Court (that symbol was tough to crack) swooping down on Commissioner Gordon and the Gotham Police Department to snatch the child out of their clutches where they shove him into Owl School. That's where an elderly schoolmarm (the vulture!) teaches him the proper Talon Catechisms.

The name of the issue becomes apparent when Venom Talon removes his mask showing feathers carved all over his face with more still covering his body. He's stolen Zsasz's act but put a little panache into it! While Zsasz just winds up looking like a chalkboard or a crazy cat lady that the cats hate, Venom Talon at least looks more and more birdlike! A grotesque and macabre version of a bird but still kind of birdlike in that birds have feathers on them.

Oh yeah. That Egyptian thing was part of it too. As well as every legendary bird ever mentioned in any culture, such as the Roc, Phoenix, Thunderbird, and Articuno.

Venom Talon remembers all the way back to when he fell in with Haly's Circus and how he wasn't very talented in anything in particular but he was Daredevil without fear! Which is why the Court of Owls chose him over all the other orphans they'd scooped up in the dark and placed inside their nest.

And before that, way back in Venom Talon's Zero Year (which was 1918, if you must know for future test reference), Jonas (that's his name because it means "dove" and "destroyer" which I didn't even have to ask Lord Google about because Marguerite told me herself) experienced a critical moment in his life's path! The Spanish Flu had killed nearly his entire family, leaving just his mother and himself. She blamed the birds because even back then Bird Flu was a scary media catchphrase! So little Jonas's mother went crazy and murdered all the birds in the vicinity. That's when Jonas figured he should probably run away and join the circus.

And that's the end of another Talon's story which is actually all Talon's stories because all Talons are the same Talon. All of those Talon's that have kept their identities, like William Cobb and The Gotham Butcher and Strix and Calvin Rose? Failures. Utter fucking failures. But Venom Talon née Jonas? He got it fucking right.

Talon #15 Rating: +2 Ranking because I actually found a Talon story interesting! Also Calvin Rose was not in it and I'm bored with his bullshit.

Batman: The Dark Knight #27

"Shut up, lady! This story is called 'Voiceless!'"

Last issue ended with The Penguin's men capturing Batman and locking him away in a cage without killing him. What the fuck is wrong with you, The Penguin?! You should fucking know better. Maybe he's trusting that Batman doesn't know that The Penguin is behind it all and when Batman ruins his plans, The Penguin can shrug his shoulders and mime something that means "You can't touch me, Batman!"

Actually, this issue is called "Angel of Darkness" but I have a feeling everybody will continue to have nothing to say. Batman lets his Batarangs and Explosions speak for himself anyway.

Once Batman breaks free, he causes an explosion in the hangar he'd been kept in to act as a distraction as he gets away. But the explosion sends The Penguin's men flying all over the place, probably burned and covered in shrapnel if not actually dead. I wonder if Batman's policy on killing only applies if he can see the person injured. He does blow an awful lot of shit up. Maybe because he knows how to survive explosions, he expects everybody else to also know the secret. And if they don't, it's their own fault for being killed in an explosion The Batman set off and not The Batman's fault at all. AT. ALL. I don't think you heard me. NOT THE BATMAN'S FAULT. EVER.

This is what Batman does with all the thugs caught in the explosion.

Judging by that last scan, I think I have to add a few more addendums to the the Not Batman's Fault Rule. If anybody seriously injured by Batman's explosion later dies after Batman moved them and shoved them into a confined space, it is not Batman's fault. If Batman ties up a criminal and leaves him for the police but the police do not get there before some of them die from starvation or thirst or previously sustained injuries caused by The Batman, it is not The Batman's fault but the fault of the Gotham Police and their slow response time. If anybody dies at any time due to actions stemming from The Batman's involvement, the actual fault is that of the person that got the attention of Batman due to their criminal shenanigans. Therefore if any of these people die, it is The Penguin's fault. Or maybe just their own fault for participating in illegal activities.

"Why are you stabbing yourself? Stop stabbing yourself!" Obviously not Batman's fault.

Batman breaks up a bunch of The Penguin's Holiday Sweat Shops much to the consternation of Jim Gordon who is going to have tons of paperwork now. Also upset? The Penguin! Because now how is he going to make all his Holiday Sex Slave Cash?

It doesn't really matter anyway because The Batman captures The Penguin and puts him away. Now The Penguin is going to have to spend what little Holiday Cash he made on Holiday Lawyers.

But the real losers are the Mexican mother who winds up having to take a minimum wage job working as a secretary for Wayne Enterprises while Wayne Enterprises exploits her to show how caring they are and how their ability to create jobs makes good citizens of all of the refugees to America's Shores. Also, Batman decides to terrify the woman's daughter every night because he can. He's The Goddamned Batman!

He's also a creepy motherfucker.

Batman: The Dark Knight #27 Rating: No change. I like these comic books without any words because I can read them quickly!

The Flash #27

Scott Hornblecker
Pop Culture Project 5A
Mrs. Dunlop
Room 215
Febuary 10nd

This graphic novel was written by Brian Buccelato and the pictures were written by Patrick Zircher. It is a sotry about the heroic cycle where the hero begins as a nobody and goes ona quest and becomes somebody but eventually dies alone again as a nobody. The heroes name in this graphic novel is The FLash. He was a lab geek cop guy until he developed super powers from hetero-to-fore untold means. Probably the Gods or something. Maybe it was revealed in a previous graphic novel because htis book is a sequel. His super power is to run really fast which makes it easier to catch the bad guys. Unless they can run really fast too and then The Flash has to call in The Green Lantern for help.

Ha ha! You know, this is the kind of stupid shit Wallace Freemantle from homeroom would be into. That fucking spaz is constantly shuffling his feet as he goes down tthe halls screaming "zoomdiddy farken zoom zooma zoom zoom!" What a dweeb. I heard his mother made and sold meth while she was pregnant with him. SHe useta have to try the product to make sure it was good enuff to sell and now Wally is all tweaked out for life. hE walks like a stupid zombie but I think in his mind he's going so fast that tnobody can see him. what a dumbass.

I think this story was written for the show Dexter before it ended with that lame ending that I won't discuss because I don't know if you've watched it, Mrs. Dunlop. But this is just like an episode of Dexter because the lab geek Barry Allen, which is another name for The Flash, is working a case and discovers some old bodies but they're linked to a guy in prison but these bodies were killed while that guy was in prison so that means some other murderr is still out there. So this is the part where Dexter thinks to himself "A-ha-ha! I am going to put some food on the table if you get my double meaning!" And then he hutns down the killer that is still out there and murders him on a table. The Flash isn't a murderer because he is a hero but he still begins looking for the killer just like Dexter would have done the same way.

That means there is a threat to the city so the city needs a hero. That is where The Flash comes in. The Flash is a nobody like we have seen in the heroic cycle that was pointed out by Jordan Campbell and made famous by Goerge Lucas. The hero must come from hubmle beginnings and what is more humble a beginning than working in the basement of the cop department? And The Flash is told to lay off the case by the commander just like Luke was told to not talk to Ben Kenobi! But the Hero does not remain dormant like a seed. The hero forces his way out of the hard topsoil by accomplishing difficult tasks. For Luke, he must negotiate the Jawas and the Sand People and avenge his aunt and uncle's deaths. For Barry Allen, he must betray his boss and risk his career and even rob from a grave (which comes later) so that he can avenge the death of his mother and prove that his father is not the murderer of his mother. That is because he found out that the killer might be the person that killed his mother, Nora! But even Barry's father does not want him investigating this case! Just like Unlce Owen told Luke to lay off learning about his father!

Sometimes the heroic journey is just a metaphor for a journey through one's own selfscape and that might be what's going on here because all interpretations are valid. I think maybe this could be a journey about THe Flahs coming to grips with his sexuality because he's probably totally gay and not straight like he thinks he. His journey begins like this which I think is good enough proof for my theory:

I do not think that the story is about The Flash saving Central City from a Scooby Doo Old West Miner GHost (as seen at the conclusion of the story) at all. That is only the service of the story and is what shallow readers will pick up. But I think that this heroic cycle is an inward journey for Barry Allen as he comes to grip with his sexuality because he's probably totally gay and not straight like he thinks he is. When Barry Allen is The Flash in the graphic novel, he is actually seeking inward and that part of the story is not reality at all. I will break this down to make it easier for you to understand.

The Flash finds a bunch of buried bodies after being told to taset the rainbow which causes him to learn of a killer that is still probably on the lose called The Broome Hill Butcher. This shows that Barry, in his mind as The Flash, has caught a glimpse of his possible gayness (represented by the rainbow) and then he unearths a bunch of skeletons (like skeletons in the closet and "in the closet" is also a representation of gayness) which lead him to believe some secret is being kept secret. So then Barry in his real body and as his real self goes to ask his father about what it might mean but his father has this reaction because he doesn't want to know he has a gay son:

Also to show proof of Barry's search is that Director Singh who is also gay gives Barry the go ahead to investigate. He knows that Barry needs to take this journey. But Barry's father figure, Captain Frye, tells Barry he cannot go on this journey because it is another fatherly authority figure not wanting to accept Barry's true nature.

As Barry journeys in his mind as The Flash, he must overcome the fear of prison rape because that is violence but it is the way that most people in America think of gay sex. The Flash must defeat it in the metaphor of fighting a man named Girder. This leads Barry to journey deeper into his mind and that is represented by digging up a grave to uncover a secret. But that secret is not there! Barry finds only an emptry grave! But he is also knocked out by a ghost of a gay forty niner named Sutter seeking vengeance on his lover who killed him for sparkling jewels 1 hundred and 50 years ago.

I guess Barry was not able to complete his journey in this one book so I have to wait for the sequel to come out because this heroic cycle usually needs a trilogy to be told efficiently. I hope that that does not affect my grade because I did not know that the book I chose was not a complete story.

The Flash #27 Rating: In conclusion, I think it is a shame that society teaches men that they must be a certain manlike way because being manlike is not really a thing but a construct enforced on men by the patriarchal attitudes of our fathers and mothers that have come before us. If we were allowed to be whom we want to be than people would not have to make difficult mind journeys to work through the issues that society has projected onto us. Unless making a heroic journey is important to becoming men and women but I don't think that at all. We should all be allowed to be the person we think we want to be and not be told different. That makes me think I should apologize to Wallace Freemantle for calling him a spaz and a dweeb because that was me acting like society and trying to make him be something he is not by teasing him until he stops being himself. I am very glad I wrote this papre because I have learned a think or two.

All Star Western #27

How come when hypothetical "Who can beat Whom?" questions come up, nobody ever wonders about this one?

I say "nobody" in that previous caption and of course I'd be wrong because I'm sure somebody has thought this match-up through (like right here in this issue!). Perhaps if conditions are right, Jonah Hex can get the better of Superman by exploiting Superman's overconfidence and his basically pacifist Kansas beliefs (which I don't mean to say that the people of Kansas are pacifists but that Ma and Pa Kent who were from Kansas were fucking goody-two-shoe bitches. Maybe I should have said "Smallville" beliefs. Or, better yet, "Kent Family Values!"). And Jonah Hex is a stubborn amoral cuss with a mighty will so I'm sure he could find some way to beat Superman by putting other people's lives at risk! And the most important aspect of a hypothetical match-up that people tend to forget to include is this: Whose name is on the cover of the book where the match-up occurs? Oh look! Jonah Hex! In great big bright yellow lettering! I think I know who's going to come out on top!

Too bad this fucking battle begins by Superman extending a hand to Jonah Hex and saying, "Pleased to meet you, sir." See that? That's that goody-two-shoe's bitch attitude I was talking about! I think there's also a little bit of "Clark Kent wants to get a scoop" in there too! Everybody wants to read about the delusional gun wielding maniac that believes he's from the 1800s! It's a great human interest story! Just the kind of story that will impress Lois Lane's panties!

"It's all right, miss. I can see how, being from the past, he'd be mistaken in his belief that a man has to have testicles."

Superman tells Jonah Hex that his people are from "Kansas." That seems like he's playing a bit fast and loose with his secret identity there! What if Jonah Hex figures out the internet and learns about genealogical research and learns how to strings a few words together for Lord Google, like "flying men Kansas goody-two-shoes mentality." He'll probably find news reports of a flying kid from Smallville and then the whole jig is up, sideways, and bent over the table, Supes!

Superman acts calmly and rationally in the face of Jonah Hex's insults because Superman knows he's in no danger. He's not like those other heroes who constantly have to prove themselves, like Batman and Hal Jordan. But Superman still likes to one up people in a kind of passive aggressive way. It's how he's learned to deal with Batman so diplomatically. I should have put "diplomatically" in quotes since what I really meant was like squabbling children. Anyway, Superman decides to fuck with Jonah Hex by picking him up and flying him over Metropolis. And then he casually says, "I don't mean to frighten you." Oh, fuck you, Clark. That's exactly what you mean to do! "Oh, you don't think I'm a man, do you Mister Hex? Well how about I make you crap your pants like a big baby? How'd you like that?"

Superman must be a little bit tired of having this conversation with people by now. Although Hex has done it in the most entertaining way so far. Much better than General Lane or Batman or the United States Congress.

Jonah Hex has always intrigued me as a character and I've been compelled to purchase stories with him from time to time. But this is the first time I've ever truly loved Hex. Gray and Palmiotti are writing the character I've always known he could be. It's also possible I just never read the best stories starring Jonah Hex since a lot of his stories came before my entry into the comic book world. It's weird to say but I've always loved Jonah Hex because I knew he could be the character that he has been in The New 52. This is the Hex I've always wanted. This is the character that fired my imagination when I'd see his disfigured face and the guns slung low on his hips. When the plotting is tight and the dialogue on the money, I just can't get enough of All Star Western.

Hopefully this book is getting just as much love from other parts of the comic book fandom! It's not just me, right?

Superman promises to ask around (I bet he asks around at the Daily Planet!) and see about finding Jonah's House of Secrets. Jonah calls it a "House of Mystery" to Superman so hopefully Clark Kent doesn't dig up the wrong place. I've seen enough of the House of Mystery! Bring on the better half!

Such brilliantly understated dialogue.

Back in Metropolis, Hex and Gina talk about, once again, finding the "House of Mystery." I'm still going to assume that Hex has got it all mixed up in his head and that editorial didn't decide The House of Secrets can't make an appearance in this story. Especially since Constantine suggested it and if he'd actually suggested The House of Mystery, this story would be over since Constantine lives in that one. Taking a break from the search, Gina takes Hex to go see "The Jonah Hex Exhibition Room" at the Metropolis Museum of Bullshit.

At the exhibit, Hex sees that a lot of people kept his exploits alive. The tomahawk he used is here. A picture of himself with Tallulah Black. Lots and lots of stories. An original copy of Face Full of Violence by Amadeus Arkham. And finally, a stuffed figure of Jonah Hex that nobody has been able to authenticate. At least it looks much older than Hex looks now. That's a good thing if it's real, right?

And in 1972, it escaped into DC Comics!

At least Hex knows he'll get back to the past! Although who knows when it'll happen? Maybe he'll die here in the future, be stuffed, and then sent back.

Hex gets pissed off and takes off without Gina to find a bar to hole up in and get drunk. And then later, he hits the road on his motorcycle because I guess he forgets it's not a horse that can compensate for his inebriation. And that's how he ends up as a co-star of the next Driver's Ed film, Red Asphalt II: Highway of Agony IV.

Whoops!

All Star Western #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. I just love this comic book so much. I don't know if All Star Western should be as high in the rankings as it is but it would definitely be #1 on my fan favorite list of titles still being published in The New 52. This comic book and Demon Knights have given me the most pure joy as far as comic book reading experiences go.

Teen Titans #27

I'm tempted to pull out all my Teen Titans back issues to see how many of them show at least one member unconscious on the ground. My guess is 75% of them.

The Countdown Begins! Including this one, only 5 more Lobdell penned Teen Titans to go! Get the crackers and the party hats ready to go!

I almost made a "cracker" joke (as in white person) and then decided to say this instead: calling a white person cracker (or honky or any word for white person really since none of them hold any historical power) doesn't actually make any difference to that person. They may try to act offended because they also want some word out there to be as horrible as nigger, but the word doesn't actually carry any weight or meaning, so it's all false bluster and fake offense. Do you want to know a word that will truly fuck up a white person? You know, for those times you really need to piss one off because, well, I can't think of a specific scenario where you'd want to do that because there are just way too many to choose from. Anyway, the word you're looking for is "racist." Man, white people's heads just explode when they're called a racist. Especially if they are a racist because how dare you nail them to the wall without actual video evidence even though they know in their minds you've got them pegged. But now they have to present logical and angry and completely made up arguments against the accusation. That's usually a good time to get out the popcorn.

So, Scott Lobdell. Do you think we can play nice for your last few months on this title? How about you try not to ruin every single one of these characters before you leave. Don't go pulling any Sherman's March to the End of the Teen Titans Run bullshit here! I want to see everything left standing when you close the door behind you, you hear? Especially since all the Teen Titans have to be healthy and happy to receive Commodore 64's cash and sell out the Teen Titans Franchise at the end of this. I really wouldn't mind The Green Team becoming the New Teen Titans since they have so many historical DC artifacts (and Brother Power the Geek too!). Maybe Tim Drake and his crew can start a West Coast Franchise of the Teen Titans! I'm sure Commodore 64 will compensate them accordingly.

I hope Solstice's story ends in a Baby Sister Salad!

The Titans are still in the future and on the other side of the galaxy. They've all decided Kid Flash is an asshole. And now they have to figure out a plan to get home. Kid Flash will probably be found innocent but still a threat to this society, so ECHO will send them all back to the past with Kid Flash.

Solstice is telling her origin story to Tim Drake and it winds up being pretty fucking boring. She woke up floating in the air with super powers. Was it starving for three days that flipped her meta-gene on? Was she bitten by a radioactive piece of sulfur? Perhaps she rolled over in her sleep and wound up on top of The Orb of Ra? Maybe she dreamed herself into a super person! Oh wait! I'm missing the most obvious! She prayed for three days straight! Obviously, her prayers were answered. Solstice's powers are a gift from Dog!

Who added that "lost the plot" joke to this comic book?! Surely Lobdell isn't suddenly being honest about his story telling abilities. Is he?

Just before Tim Drake, the smartest kid in the DCnU, sees four ships arrive for Bart's Trial and declares, "It looks like every politician in the galaxy is here to attend this trial," Scott Lobdell uses this comic book to comment on his sexual harassment of fellow creator, MariNaomi, that came to light a few months ago. Perhaps he felt, like many others, his previous, personal apology wasn't very sincere. But putting it in a comic book and having Solstice speak it would.

It looks like Scott's main point is that we should give him a chance and a fair trial!

I have noticed that Lobdell has tentatively returned to Twitter after zero non-retweet tweets for about a month. One tweet was a plea for everybody to rush out and buy his sister's book, "My Brother Is Actually A Really Nice Guy and You Should Stop Being Mean Just Because He's Not Very Good at His Job and He Sometimes Says Stupid Things!" Alternate title is "The Toddler's Room."

Meanwhile, Wonder Girl is judging Kid Flash for being a revolutionary and killing the oppressive government's soldiers that were sent to kill him and his fellow revolutionaries. I'm not really a fan of Kid Flash but I have no sympathy for his teammates that suddenly feel compelled to judge him simply because he was a soldier in a war they have no context for and he killed people during it. They really have no right to judge. Although I feel as if I have a right to judge when Kid Flash says "chose" when he should have said "choose." Also, I like to believe that was Lobdell's error in his script and the Letterer just didn't bother to correct it. Also, the editors didn't bother either.

And then finally, after many, many months of declaring "Next Month: The Trial of Kid Flash!", The Trial of Kid Flash actually begins! Has the lost plot been found?! Please. Don't get crazy, optimistic side!

More of Lobdell venting. I guess Lobdell believes this is his trial. And he gets to write how innocent he is!

Oh! What is their one law that they've reduced all justice down to? "Don't be a dick"? "Follow the Functionary's orders or else"? "Keep on keepin' on"? "Be excellent to each other"? "Party on, Dudes"? Fuck! Even Bill and Ted's Excellent Future had two laws!

Tim Drake notices that the trial seems hardly fair when a bunch of disembodied lips say, "Let the trial begin." Yeah! It would be fairer to Kid Flash if the trial never began! Actually, the part Tim found unfair was the part where they announced that the case was Bar Torr vs. The State. Total fucking bias in announcing the defendant and plaintiff! The crowd screams hatred at Kid Flash which causes Joke-el to wonder why the fuck he's been backing normal humans all this time. Monsters! Animals! Emotional Sacks of Disgusting Fluids.

But I thought there was only one law! It must be a really fucking long run-on sentence.

Anyway, Kid Flash pleads guilty because fuck The Functionary. His plea of guilty is so surprising that it blows the roof off of the building. And the war begins anew. Somehow. I don't know. Whatever. Bart will explain it to all of us stupid Titans.

The gist of it all is that everything was planned. Just like everything is always planned in a Scott Lobdell book. Kid Flash manipulated everything to get them to this point. I suppose the hardest part was getting The Crime Syndicate to invade Earth so that Johnny Quick could send Bart back to the future. Maybe that was just an accident and they were all supposed to head back to the future back in that issue where the Titans saved Kid Flash from being sucked in that chronal portal. I bet Kid Flash was super pissed about that! He must have just gotten lucky that Johnny Quick appeared with an alternate method of time travel.

Kid Flash's rebels appear in the courtroom to kill all of those politicians from all across the galaxy that had nothing better to do than travel to this trial so they could be slaughtered in the first battle of a new revolt. But the Titans will not allow these revolutionaries to choose their own path because it will mean killing people. Although if they don't revolt, they're all going to die at the hands of the Functionary's justice system. But I guess The Teen Titans have to allow those deaths because it's part of the system and it's legal.

You know, I've disliked Lobdell's Teen Titans for a long time. But I think I actually hate them now.

Since the Titans oppose Kid Flash, he orders his fighters to kill them as well. So this book ends like most issues of Teen Titans ends with the Titans fighting amongst themselves.

Teen Titans #27 Rating: No change. It's already the worst book of The New 52 and this issue didn't help. You know what the very worst part of this comic book was? It was fucking Joke-el's thought bubbles as he judged everybody and everything as he observed it. How fucking annoying is that? To have to constantly hear somebody's judgmental fucking critiques throughout the story?!

What a dick.

The Green Team #8

Hearing your significant other constantly playing different versions of Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" in the background of your life may cause a potential mental breakdown.

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night til the sun.

We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get some.

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night for good fun.

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky.

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

The Green Team Rating: We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!