Superman #26

More psychic shit? Did Lobdell run out of ways to challenge Superman as soon as he came onto the book so he's just going to resort to psychic shit and magic?

I am so fucking glad to be reading Superman #26! Krypton Returns was bad enough having to read it the first time! But I had to reread all of my commentaries on the story this last month and be reminded how awful the entire thing was. But that's in my past now. Finally and forever! Never again will I have to think about it! Except maybe when Krypton Returns Again!

This issue begins with Clark Kent cooking dinner for Wonder Woman in his apartment in Metropolis. No, no. I didn't mean Diana Prince. I meant Wonder Woman!

I'm not a genuis (heck, I can't even spell "genius!") but I'm fairly certain this is a bad idea, what with secret identities being important to some people and all that.

Seriously though. What the fuck is up with this? Diana doesn't have a pair of Capris? A cute little sun dress? Acid washed jean skirt? Why the fuck is she having dinner in her work clothes? Come on, Clark! This is your significant other! Let her keep a pair of sweats and a Mountain Dew T-shirt in one of your fucking drawers, you cock.

So none of the editors had a problem with this scene? Clark gets to be dressed like a regular fucking person while they have a nice evening in but Diana has to remain in her sweaty, disgusting fighting clothes? I'm sure there was a lot of rationalizing going on like how it's Clark's home and maybe Wonder Woman is really busy and a whole bunch of other bullshit that doesn't really make any sense. But the world knows that Superman and Wonder Woman are an item thanks to Clarkcatropolis.com (unless that story hasn't hit the digital presses yet. Still, Clark probably shouldn't be seen with Wonder Woman), so if anybody notices, they're going to think one of two things: Clark is Superman or Wonder Woman is throwing Clark a pity fuck. Maybe they might think one or two other things as well but I don't have time to think up what those might be. Perhaps Clark hired Wonder Woman to clean his apartment?

Luckily Lois Lane (who just now astrally projected herself into the Rhubarb Soup and the middle of the date) already knows Superman's secret identity because she gained psychic powers. I'm sure Scott Lobdell was sitting in his office one night jerking off to videos of dogs sniffing each other's butts when he was struck with a brilliant* idea (*brilliant in his own mind but not in anybody else's mind): Lois Lane would be the greatest reporter to ever live if she had psychic powers! He probably jumped up with his pants around his ankles while spraying his seed across his desk, over the walls, atop his Subway sandwich, and into his scotch (neat and on the rocks at the same time somehow). Of course Scott Lobdell wouldn't (couldn't?) realize that this entire idea undercuts Lois's true power as a reporter that will do anything to break a story and always seems to manage to get some groundbreaking ink. Is that journalistic jargon? "Ink?" It's hard to know anything about journalism seeing that it's a fucking joke career at this point in time.

Lois is going crazy in her coma because she's inadvertently reading all the minds. She just needs to hug Superman (astrally, of course!) in the middle of his date with Wonder Woman. Convenient!

She has a key but not a change of clothes? Does she have to sneak in and out of Clark's apartment so nobody notices? Does Clark spend most of the time with her playing Sega Hockey?

Superman has to help walk an astral projection home? This doesn't sound a bit iffy to you, Diana? I think Superman is getting a little mental poontang on the side! And not just from Lois! Don't forget he has Lana Lang living inside his head doing God knows what?!

Meanwhile over in Suicide Slum where "hope doesn't live," The Parasite has decided he's still really fucking hungry. And on the other meanwhile, General Lane is visiting Lois's useless body simply so he can tell her about one of Scott Lobdell's fantasy plot points that he doesn't really have any story ideas for but he thought up a number or glanced at a Tarot Card or his semen landed on a specific word in the open thesaurus he likes to masturbate into. This time his "vague reference for a future plot point" is called...THE TOWER!

Thanks for the information, Mister Lane! We'll see you whenever Lobdell gets around to your stupid ass fucking story! I bet they're doing Time Travel experiments in The Tower! Or it's a building from the future!

Now all of Lobdell's fans can rave about how much tension he's just created by dropping a hint about a future story arc that, according to Scott Lobdell's own words on how he writes stories, hasn't even revealed itself to Lobdell.

Oh! Oh! Look at the next page!

Fucking Clark Kent took the bait! Idiot.

I guess Lois can't reveal her psychic powers to her father or else he'll use her as a military weapon, so she just keeps quiet and dances about naked in his head.

After all the shit about Lois and Clark being best friends and Lois reaching out to Clark because she's scared, she threatens to fucking out Superman as soon as she's out of the coma. Holy fucking shit. She's a monster!

Jonathon decides to visit Lois but he's all sad and pouty because she happened to mention Superman when she was briefly out of her coma instead of sucking his dick. So now he doesn't believe she loves him at all and instead loves Superman. But Clark talks him down off his asshole pity ledge and assures Jonathon that Lois loves him. Although why the fuck would Clark Kent know that for sure? Because he's such a great reporter?

But after Clark helps boost Jonathon's esteem, he walks off feeling sad for himself because Lois doesn't love him and she's going to rat him out to the world to boot. I guess Wonder Woman isn't enough for him. And he's going to fuck up his own secret identity by dating Wonder Woman as Clark Kent anyway, so who cares what Lois does?

Clark heads home to do some research on General Lane while The Parasite wanders around the hospital looking to accidentally cure Lois Lane of her psychic ability. And also make her forget about Superman's secret identity!

Of course the Doctor Truth swam in God's eye! She's done omnithing and been omniwhere!

Superman has to cut his research short and head back to the hospital to battle Parasite. They have a fight consisting of some really hip and groovy meta-commentary and then a part where Parasite uses his freezing breath to freeze Superman but he doesn't say "cool" like you might expect but he says how hard it is not to say "cool" because that's hipper and groovier dialogue. And then he does a "this is where I get off" elevator joke which I don't think was ever hip and cool in my lifetime. Unless he meant "this is where I come in my pants" because he was so turned on smashing Superman straight down an elevator shaft. And finally Superman realizes Parasite is there to suck on Lois Lane for a bit. Superman wants to stop it although he might not try super hard because he really can't have her wandering around exposing his secret self to the entire world.

Superman #26 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to give it a good review simply because it isn't fucking Krypton Returns. Also, it actually had characters doing things that the characters wanted to do instead of being told something cryptic like "Save the Cheerleader. Save the World." and then reacting to that. So maybe it deserves at least a +1 Ranking? No, no. What am I thinking? It was still written by Scott Lobdell.

Talon #14

I can see right up Calvin's nose!

At the end of last issue, all hell was breaking loose at the Gotham City Orchard Hotel. The most surprising thing about it is that Batman was not involved. Nobody even invited him to the chaos even though he left explicit instructions that he be sent an invite. Here's hoping the entire building explodes, killing most of the cast of this comic book. The only person I hope doesn't die is The Gotham Butcher. Anybody else, including Calvin Rose, is expendable.

While Casey tangles with The Gotham Butcher, Calvin makes one of the biggest mistakes you can make in the entire history of making mistakes! He believes a child with one hand behind its back is innocent and not dangerous at all. Well, Calvin Rose, those that don't remember history are doomed to repeat it or something to that effect. It's your own fault if you want to ignore what happened to Julius Caesar, Charles Foster Kane, Sauron, and Jesus too! They also ignored the innocent kid with one hand behind his or her back and look where it got them!

"I went to Owl School and it only took a few months! While all my friends are working dead end jobs or still in school, I got a job right out of Owl School using my training to kill Talons!"

Little Sarah Washington, Valedictorian of Owl School, merely slits Calvin's throat. It doesn't kill him but it seems the Putrefying Serum that was injected into his system wasn't enough to kill him but was enough to disable his healing powers. So that slit throat could be trouble. She didn't slit his throat deep enough to severe the piano cords in his throat that enable him to speak, so it's really just a superficial cut. Sarah leaves with Grandmaster Flash so that The Butcher of Gotham can clean up. Except that bomb is going to go off and kill everybody soon, so The Butcher should probably just head out now. I'm sure everyone will die and the comic book will be over soon.

Casey decides that she doesn't want Calvin to die because she loves his undead penis going in and out of her cybernetic vagina, so she shoots The Gotham Butcher's arm off. Unless she shoots off the Gotham Butcher's arm. Whichever one is most grammatically appropriate.

She also shoots off some of his other parts, like his top part and his bottom part.

Casey and Calvin and Casey's thugs still have a bunch of Talon's to destroy. But Calvin has come up with a great three step plan! Step one: Set himself on fire! Step two: Group hug all of the talons. Step Three: Blow everybody up with a cryo-bomb! That's a pretty good plan because usually three step plans have one step that is just a bunch of question marks and another step that is just the word "profit" followed by an exclamation point. Two or three exclamation points if the creator of the plan is overly optimistic!

I suppose the setting himself on fire part of the plan was to keep him from being flash frozen by the cryo-bomb. But now Calvin Rose is a disgusting, melty, burning, throat-slit, moldy old walking corpse. He doesn't have much Talon left in him. Seeing him in such a state of disrepair makes me feel a little better about the Gotham Butcher being butchered.

Eww. Stop being so gross, Calvin. I don't even think Alfred can whip up enough tea to save you now.

Eventually Batman comes to save the day because Calvin Rose is only good at escaping. He can't solve problems. He can only run away from them. So Daddy Batman arrives to stop the bomb and to apprehend Sebastian Clark. Batman still has some questions for him like where the fuck did Lincoln March go? Maybe after Calvin turns into a soupy blob of blech, Lincoln March will return to be Gotham City's Talon! Which, I mean, really, Gotham City doesn't fucking need, does it? The Court of Owls have kind of overstayed their welcome being that they're all just a bunch of snobby bureaucrats anyway. Can't Batman turn them back into a nursery school rhyme and an Urban Legend?

You're going to fix that?! I think Casey must have lost both eyes.

Casey pleads with Batman to save Calvin's life as the serum begins to liquify him. I can understand that Batman's legend is so great that it would seem he's capable of miracles but I don't think he's a healer and he probably doesn't know any magic. Hell, Batman doesn't kill so he can't even put him out of his misery! What the fuck is Batman supposed to do? I guess he could shove him in the cryo-tank until somebody else can come up with a cure. Hopefully that will be never though because I think I've read enough stories about Calvin Rose. I'm good here. Check!

Oh fuck. Apparently I'm being forced to have dessert because Calvin Rose is all better three weeks later. Batman's big idea was to put Calvin on dialysis which removed the Death Serum and allowed Calvin's Talon power to regenerate his body. He even got back his face! Also, it might not have been Batman's idea. Batman may have just shrugged his shoulders and went home after Casey asked for help. But Bruce Wayne helped by buying Casey's father's company and putting her in charge!

Sebastian Clark wound up in prison. The Gotham Butcher began putting himself back together so he was locked up in a new cell in the Securitus Building which is kept at Absolute Zero. Or, you know, as close to absolute zero as they can get. I predict Wayne Enterprises goes bankrupt within the year trying to pay the power bill to keep The Gotham Butcher frozen at that temperature! Maybe they should just shoot his body into space and keep his head on the end of a pole in the Gotham Police Department's break room freezer. And finally, Sarah has begun attending Bat School which is the opposite of Owl School. Unless Lark School is the opposite of Owl School.

Finally finally (I should probably have planned my words better), Calvin Rose discovers that Casey Washington is being allowed to continue her organization that helps thugs leave criminal organizations and make better persons of themselves. Except she's been forced to change the name of her organization to Batman, Incorporated. Dark Ranger and Nightrunner are also still members. And everybody probably has to make sure they don't accidentally mention any of this to Commissioner Gordon.

Talon #14 Rating: No change. I am so Court of Owlsed out, I can't even finish thi

Batman: The Dark Knight #26

Batman Incorporated #14?

So in-between reading The Flash and picking up The Dark Knight, I cooked my cornbread muffins. I thought about putting an exclamation point at the end of that sentence but I'm not sure cooking muffins ever really needs an exclamation point. Perhaps if the subject of the sentence were different, an exclamation point would be called for. "My dead grandmother clawed her way through the gates of hell to cook me some cornbread muffins!" See? Much better. Oh, I should probably include the food shot since it's something I created and it desperately needs to be posted for posterity. The people of the future are going to want to experience all of the things their long dead God created.

My muffin tin that makes muffins shaped like asses is entirely appropriate.

Hopefully, the Clayface story arc is finally over now that he's been shoved into Arkham Asylum's version of a Betty Crocker Easy Bake and Highly Pressurized Oven. The cover doesn't really tell me anything except that it can't be true because Batman will never be chained! It's probably some kind of metaphor about taxes and how they're keeping Bruce Wayne from providing living wages to most of Wayne Enterprises employees. Thanks a lot, Comic Book Version of Obama!

The issue begins with a Mexican woman getting fired from her job of putting heads on angels. She also gets to the pharmacy too late to pick up the medicine which her baby needs. Also, I don't think she has enough money to buy it because she doesn't have a job. And then the baby dies and everyone is sad. And because of Sesame Street and the pharmacy being closed, all that keeps running through my head now is the word "ceh-rah-do!" "Ceeeeerrrrrraaaaaaadddddoooo!" "Cerrado!" "Abierto!" "Cerrado!"

This is only issue one of two so it looks like we're not going to get any dialogue for two full issues? This will be a quick read! Or maybe once the woman heads to the United States (probably Gotham!), we'll get some dialogue but she won't be able to understand it and she won't be able to respond. That way she's still voiceless but I'll feel like I didn't waste all that time learning to read just so I can look at stupid pictures! I want to show off my skills!

The woman's other child gets sick which is when she makes the desperate decision to leave her homeland and try her chance at America. But things go south while going north because the coyote or whatever they call the guy that takes the groups across the border double crosses them all and sells them out to The Masked Skull Gang! They separate the women from the children and the elderly because The Masked Skull Gang is probably into sex trafficking and/or age discrimination.

I could be wrong about this entire story though because without Narration Boxes, I'm thoroughly confused!

It could be I have the entire story wrong! The woman could have been working at a warehouse that creates actual angels. Then she inadvertently killed one which meant her child would be possessed by a demon. So the warehouse manager insists that she take the day off to deal with her demon child. But she arrives too late at the pharmacy to pick up the poison to kill the horrible monster. She comes back home to tell her family and weep in fear as the child curses them from the crib. Later they attend the funeral of her baby's first victim and while there, a man approaches her and says she should flee to Gotham. But she gets angry because there is nowhere to run from her demon child. Eventually her oldest child also begins succumbing to demonic possession because the woman must have gone back to work and killed another angel. She heads to the trash pile outside of town where God lives and asks him for forgiveness. God, of course, is a bald, tattooed man in a wife-beater. I'd normally call it a tank top but I think if the guy wearing it lives in a trash heap, you have to call it a wife-beater.

So God tells the woman there is nothing she can do. She must try to get her child as far away as possible before the child becomes completely possessed. So she loads up in a truck and heads to America. But on the way there, the truck is pulled over by America's Border Guard. Also it is Halloween which is why they have masks. They separate the adult women from the children and the elderly because they're all being taken to check out the Border Patrol's haunted house and it's too scary for small children and people with heart conditions. As the trucks are pulling away, the mother screams at them to kill her child because it has succumbed to the demon's will! But the guard thinks she's playing a Halloween prank so he smashes her in the face with the butt of his rifle because he hates Halloween pranks. The cars head off into the night.

While mother enjoys the haunted house, the children and elderly must prepare the Christmas decorations to be put up on the haunted house a few days after Halloween.

Grandmother is still trying to warn them about the devil child.

The mother is too frightened to visit the haunted house so she tries to get away. But she's forced back by gunpoint because she's going to enjoy the frightful festivities, dammit!

Meanwhile grandmother checks on the devil child and is perturbed that she still lives.

Grandmother is going to end this right the fuck now, by God!

While Grandmother tries to head out the window so she can find a weapon to kill the spawn of Satan, one of the border patrol tries to catch up to her to give her a knife. He believes her story unlike the rest of his coworkers! But he trips on some jingle bells on the ground and accidentally stabs her and knocks her out the window. Confused and disoriented from the fall, Grandmother wanders away into the night. The worker reports back to The Penguin who must be running the haunted house. He tries to explain how they have a devil child amongst them but The Penguin has a sudden panic attack from his Bat-related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and flips the fuck out on the guy.

Whoops!

Later, Batman finds the Grandmother dead on the street. In her hand, he finds a flyer for The Penguin's upcoming Santa's Workshop Themed House (not haunted!) and Batman gets really fucking pissed off because Damian would have loved to visit this but he can't because he's dead! And if Damian can't enjoy it, then fuck everyone! It's time to close this beloved yearly event down for good!

Batman pulls the fire alarm on the workshop preparing the decorations for the event and all the workers rush outside. When Batman runs inside to destroy everything, he finds the little devil girl praying for Jesus's head to explode.

Halo of light? More like Halo of Brains!

Batman realizes immediately how dangerous this little girl is so he takes her to a veterinarian to have her put to sleep. He watches from the window to make sure that she's been put on the drip that will ease her safely into oblivion without her realizing she's dying. If she knew what was happening, she'd destroy Gotham in hellfire!

By the time Batman has taken care of that problem, the Christmas Decoration Factory has recovered from the pulled fire alarm and they're back in business. This time, Batman decides to forgo the subtle approach and smashes through a skylight, raining explosives down on the warehouse to destroy all of the beautiful and heart-warming decorations that Damian would have loved so much! You know, as soon as Batman taught Damian to love Christmas which I'm sure he had almost done before Damian was killed. Who doesn't love Christmas?! Even I love Christmas and I'm a Goddamned atheist!

Batman destroys everything and beats up the staff while telling the children they'd better get the fuck out and find a new job if they know what's good for them! The kids run screaming into the night as more of Penguin's employees pull up for their shift to find Batman out front shitting all over their shit.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY YULE LOG, BITCHES!?"

The employees newly arrived on the scene have their tinsel guns handy (they're not actual weapons! They're just used for firing strings of tinsel over the house and large trees) and fire them at Batman, tangling him up in a web of glittery festivity. He's carted off, shoved in a cage, and kept away from The Penguin's Holiday House Extravaganza. Christmas is saved!

God bless us! Every one!

Batman: The Dark Knight #26 Rating: No change. I think I've gotten the gist of this thing! It could be I'm supposed to be learning some kind of lesson from it but I'm hard pressed to see what devil children and Penguin's Christmas Party have got to do with being voiceless!

The Flash #26

This cover really draws you in because you can't help thinking, "How did The Flash's body get so distorted and mangled?!"

I cooked actual food on Friday night which is not something I do a lot but something I generally feel I'd like to do more of. I've got a vegetarian recipe book with about a thousand recipes in it. Occasionally, I'll take out my gaming dice and randomly pick a recipe to cook. This time I came up with Tamale Pie and my first reaction was, "Great. A recipe where I have to do cooking and baking!" Although in the end, it wasn't very hard at all. Chop an onion. Chop a bell pepper. Cook them up in my wok. Add all the other shit. Throw it in a baking pan. Mix the corn bread topping. Drizzle it on. Throw it in the oven. Eat!

Don't look at my dirty kitchen floor! My business is cleaning floors and I hate to bring my work home with me!

What surprised me the most was that the corn bread topping actually tasted like corn bread! Cooking is magic! But now I have a huge amount of cornmeal sitting around that I probably won't need for any other recipes ever, so I guess I need to make corn bread muffins or something. I should probably do it before the other four eggs in the half dozen I bought go bad because I'll forget I actually have real food in the fridge.

I think the last time I cooked a new recipe was about a year ago. It was Spinach-Rice-Cheese Balls and I documented it in one of my Batgirl commentaries. So at the rate I'm going, I'll work through this recipe book in just over one thousand years! How's that immortality serum coming along, Science?!

So I should probably comment on the dead horse's head sitting on the cover of The Flash this month. Namely, the change in the creative team. Gage and Googe. Is this some kind of a joke? I can't take my Flash comic book seriously if it's written and drawn by the team of Gage and Googe! I was really hoping Manapul and Buccellato would remain tethered to this comic book for a really long time. Fuck their wants and needs and desires, DC! Make them stick with The Flash! Can't you force writers and artists to remain on a book as long as you want? What kind of impotent company are you running over there? Oh yeah. The kind without the sacks to fire Lobdell and Nocenti for failing to perform the duties in their job description. I'm pretty sure their job description is "writing comic books" and that is certainly something they are not doing. Although if "stringing together random phrases" and "ruining fan favorite characters" is actually what they were hired to do, then I apologize for calling them out and accusing them of failing to do their job.

The Flash begins on a positive note because the art falls under the category of "Arousing Tess's Subjective Aesthetic Sense Organs."

I'm easily confused so I like my comic books to look comic booky or else I sometimes begin to think I'm reading a history of past European political conflicts.

This opening page has been partially Lobdelled but I can forgive that because it's this creative team's first book. So if they want to approach it by beginning with The Flash stating who he is, that's cool. Just don't do it every issue after that! Plus, "Lobdelling" the first page actually calls for a full page, static image that bores the fuck out of the reader. And this image isn't boring at all! It's exciting! Look at all the bullet casings flying out of that gun as the woman laughs uproariously at the impending death of her foe! Also, it's educational! The Flash is answering trivia questions for the fanboys that are most assuredly listening to his thoughts as he battles this woman who may or may not go by the name "Spitfire" (according to the cover)! I'm so excited at the possibilities of this comic book that I have man lady-wood! That's an imaginary boner for anybody that needs to know that I'm not actually aroused at reading this comic book because it would have made them queasy to think that I actually had an erection as I was typing this. And even if I did have one, why would I tell you? My body parts are my business!

Spitfire has apparently murdered somebody close to The Flash but he's not letting me know who yet because he wants me to worry about Patty before he finally lets me know that it's his father figure at the police station. She gets away because The Flash can't fly and he apparently can't dodge Spitfire's bullets and still catch up to the plane before it takes off so he has to vibrate through the bullets which causes him to vibrate through the plane as he tries to grab on. Wouldn't it also cause him to vibrate through the ground so he'd lose traction and his feet would sink beneath the surface of the Earth and he'd have no way to get back above ground and if he went solid he'd die so he'd really be fucked? Maybe he's just really good at timing things so he's solid when his feet hit the ground but vibrating when the bullets pass through him and he never allows those two events to occur simultaneously. Which probably means he runs like a total spaz.

It turns out the person Spitfire and her crew hurt was Doctor Carlson. Oh yeah, that was my other guess! That it would be somebody I'd never fucking ever heard of.

Doctor Carlson was also Barry's first big crush although he isn't quite ready to admit that yet because he's still trying to be in love with boring old safe Patty.

Spitfire and her Sky-Gang are stealing deadly pathogens to sell on the Black Market. They probably chose to do their crimes in Central City because The Flash can't follow them into the sky. But they're wrong! The Flash is going to get a lift from the air force! Also, can't he do that tornado thing where he rides funnel clouds into the sky or something? Can't he spin his arms around really fast and act like a helicopter?

Spitfire is just so happy all the time! She's the best.

I hope The Flash can do that helicopter thing with his arms now that the pilot said, "Fuck you, The Flash! I'm outta here!" I suppose Barry will run along the fuselage and leap to Spitfire's plane now. Hopefully nobody will shoot at him so that he has to vibrate through the bullets which will cause him to phase through the plane again. Although I've seen the cover and it doesn't look too good for Barry! Although covers often lie to exaggerate the excitement and to keep the reader guessing. Unless they actually just lie to sell more copies because readers see the cover and think, "Oh my God! Look how fucked up The Flash's body is as he's falling out of that airplane? I wonder if he was caught up in a taffy pulling machine!"

The Flash runs along the clouds because of course! He's a scientist! He knows exactly the right vibrations to vibrate and speeds to move and which numbers to carry when doing the math in his head. He's very good at the technical mumbo-jumbo that's really very boring and not at all as exciting as seeing The Flash run along clouds. Unless you're into science and stuff and then it would be more interesting to see a show that proves how this could theoretically be possible.

This time The Flash is able to time his vibrating and his bullet dodging so that he can remain inside the plane. But he only remains for a few seconds before Spitfire convinces him he should leave.

I bet it's time for the helicopter hands trick!

Barry lands safely, gets the deadly vials to the authorities, and then rushes back out to find Spitfire. Meanwhile Spitfire machine guns her crew and takes off on her rocket-pack with her canister of deadly pathogens. All the while with a great big grin on her face! Are amoral people always this happy? Maybe I should give amorality a chance!

The Flash manages to guide the crashing plane into Walter Payton Memorial Stadium (unless it's still called Soldier Field for some stupid reason. What do soldiers have to do with Football?! I'm surprised it's not called Pizza Hut Park) and still has time to run back and capture Spitfire before she gets away in the greasy as fuck Chicago River.

Well, well. I guess she isn't always grinning like a fucking maniac. Although this look is adorable too.

The Flash #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was like an old school comic book with modern sensibilities. A fairly sub-standard villain with a crazy scheme stopped by the hero in a story that begins and ends in a single issue. Plus it does that thing that people say should be done in comic book stories but actually isn't really done as often as it should be where the story gives you a knew perspective on the hero or shows an aspect of the hero you haven't seen before or whatever. You know that old advice that professionals tell amateurs looking to break into the business but usually ignore themselves because they already have the job so they just tell another story where Batman breaks a guy's jaw and Alfred shakes his head and Catwoman sighs. So in this issue, we see how Barry Allen has the intelligence and scientific wherewithal to follow criminals wherever they may go even when they think they've got his chumpy old number! The Flash only good on the ground?! WRONGO, BUTTHOLE! Uh-oh. Now I'm picturing Spitfire's butthole. Excuse me while I take care of something.

All Star Western #26

As far as sidekicks go, I prefer Amadeus over Gina. Also as far as romantic foils go.

My 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Thorne, had a record player in her classroom. She had a case for holding records in the back of the class. I'm not sure who stocked the records but I can't imagine it was her. I suppose she let people bring in records and she didn't really pay them much heed because one of those records was an AC/DC record. In my mind, I've always thought it was "Highway to Hell" but when I just tried to find the image I remember from way back when I was eight or nine years old, "Highway to Hell" was not it. I've always known the cover to "Highway to Hell" was the one with Angus having horns and shit but I assumed the image I remembered was from the back cover or an inside sleeve. But now Lord Google has allowed me to correct my memory and realize the album was "If You Want Blood." So for those of you that don't know the back cover to "If You Want Blood," this was the image burned into my little kid brain thanks to my 4th Grade teacher and whoever brought in this record.

The front image isn't any better but this is what I specifically recall!

So if you ever really want to know the major difference between elementary school in the 1970s and now, realize that this wasn't a big fucking deal back then. I also learned how to play Dungeons and Dragons in my 5th Grade Gifted and Talented Education class. I wonder if I went to a Satanic Elementary School? That would make sense! No wonder I had Speech Therapy in 1st and 2nd Grade where they taught me the correct pronunciation of "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

So anyhoot and otter-holler, All Star Western #26 begins back in the past where the comic book forgot it was supposed to be taking place for the last few months. It seems we're due a glimpse into what's been happening with Tallulah Black if'n ya don't think too linear-like about time or nothin'.

Looks like she's been hittin' the vittles something hard.

The title of this issue (which you can read for yourself in the above scan) puts doubt in my mind as to the veracity of the tale I'm about to read. Perhaps Tallulah is pregnant with Jonah's child. Or maybe she was but then won't be once things go back to the way they should. Meaning Jonah returns to the old west. Or perhaps this is just one little secret that Jonah will learn about once the Swamp Thing stops attacking him and Jonah sets foot in the House of Secrets. Or maybe Jonah will get to meet his future progeny!

Tallulah is off to get married (which is why she needs a preacher, I reckon!) and the groom just happens to be Jonah Hex. Hmm. Remember that title! Something weird is going on here!

Yes indeedy. Something a might bit strange and peculiar.

As the ceremony is coming to a close, the bride, the groom, and the Strangel wind up in a Mexican standoff. Although each participant has two guns and so has one gun trained on each of the other members, so it's not quite as standoffish as one where each participant only has one gun. I mean, in this case, you can kill both of the other members at the same time! Although everybody is likely to probably get shot in the face as soon as one person panics and everything goes to hell. So I think calling this a Mexican Standoff is still apt.

Tallulah and Jonah kill everybody in the church, and then Jonah kills Tallulah, and then Jonah wakes up from the hellish nightmare (what else would you call your own wedding?) to find he's once again being drawn by Moritat. He's also covered in Swamp Thing's Purple Blossoms. Yes, that's just as disgustingly sexy as it sounds.

Swamp Thing continues to remain in a fugue state so Jonah has to go fetch Constantine who's nearby having sex with a woman he met at Burning Man.

Not everything is a reference to Little Shop of Horrors, John. Most everything. But not everything.

Apparently this is a bit of a tie-in to Batman Loves Superman. These are Mongul's Purple Mercy Monster Blossoms that have caused that comic book series to go sideways. I hope that doesn't happen here because I already have a hard enough time comfortably reading a comic book the normal way up. I just want them to enter The House of Secrets already! I wonder if Rain is still witnessing there? I hope so! *swoon*

Constantine stomps the Ever Lovin' Purple Mercy Shit out of The Swamp Thing and he recovers just fine. That's when Swamp Thing goes, "Oh yeah! The House of Secrets, right? It's in Metropolis. I probably should have said that earlier before we got hung up in a mini-crossover with Batman Loves Superman. Sorry! Anyway, on your way!"

So Jonah Hex and Gina head on their way. But Jonah is being a dick to Gina because I think he's feeling a bit guilty about ditching Tallulah who might be pregnant, now that he's been forced to think about it a bit. But Gina puts him in his place like the women other than Tallulah Black from the 19th Century never would and he remembers why he likes Tallulah so much. And, of course, why he likes Gina as well.

See, Amadeus? This is what you could have had if you hadn't been so mousey and whiny!

So after however long sex with Jonah Hex takes (one week?), the duo find themselves in a shoot-out in Metropolis. But nobody gets hit by any bullets because there's this guy living there that is supposedly faster than those.

Yeah! This guy!

All Star Western #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. So while it would have felt like the first half of this comic book was just a waste of space in a comic book I don't like, it was enjoyable to see Jonah Hex's fevered Space Opium Dream. Besides, Mongul's little flowers supposedly show people their fondest dreams and they usually keep that person encased in them forever. But Jonah Hex actually broke their spell which I'm not sure has ever happened before because I don't know a fuck-lot about Mongul and his Special Flowers. I think they were featured prominently in Mongul #1 but fuck if I can completely remember! Plus, his fondest wishes are to have a baby and marry Tallulah and killing murderers together? That seems reasonable. Also, I'm enjoying Jonah Hex's whirlwind tour of the New 52 Universe. It's a nice change of pace from the usual western. I'm still really looking forward to The New 52's House of Secrets though! It didn't get much on-panel time in its brief appearance in Justice League Dark. I hope it gets a really nice treatment here when it finally shows up.

Teen Titans #26

I think I've bashed Scott Lobdell as much as any single person can. I'm out of ways to hate his writing. Can we get a writer change on this series already?

Last issue, the Trial of Kid Flash still had yet to happen. I think it might have begun to happen. Possibly. I'm not sure. Trials in the future probably don't resemble trials today because they've probably improved them so that they actually bring about justice as opposed to just being a circus where money rules the day and you're judged by equally moronic members of your community who have been processed by an educational system that puts a premium on teaching kids to obey authority over teaching kids how to think logically. So even though everybody constantly shouts "innocent until proven guilty," you realize what you really get is a bunch of chowder-headed jury members that are thinking, "Why would the police have arrested this person if they are innocent?"

So hopefully future courtrooms have actual fair trials as opposed to our current system of "fair" trials where fair is based on how much money you have to spend on an attorney that doesn't give a shit about actual justice and instead acts like a Munchkin at a roleplaying table manipulating the rules to get whatever he wants.

This issue begins with Kid Flash's memories of how his descent into criminality began. His parents were missionaries that believed in the truth but the stupid authority figures that have no time for God and only love lies decided to kill the stupid believers because of their belief in believing. Kid Flash watched his father get his head bashed in because he couldn't not believe.

The real problem is that those beliefs are often worth killing for.

I bet Scott Lobdell took great pride in his alternate wording of The Lord's Prayer. But I'm just confused as to why Kid Flash came not just from the future but from some other planet in some other solar system and possibly in some other galaxy. But I guess Jesus made sure to visit the believers of that world as well. Fuck you, Earth! You aren't that special! Jesus loves aliens too! As long as they, you know, accept him as their Lord and Savior.

The Purifiers kill Kid Flash's mom as well but that's not the worst part. The worst part was how disrespectful they were of their religion. How dare they!

I don't think Scott Lobdell has the best handle on allegorical writing.

Kid Flash escapes from the vile non-believers with his kid sister, Shira. I thought Shira was his love interest earlier! I suppose she could still be. Just when they're older. It would be weird if they began dating now with him being eight and she being less than one. That age difference would just make things awkward.

The Teen Titans are watching this replay of Kid Flash's history via 30th Century Mind Spying Technology by Microsoft. I bet Kid Flash and his sister will think up a symbol to wear, something like, say, a shark or a whale which will identify them to other believers but won't reveal their belief to the Functionary's Purifiers! And eventually enough believers will believe so much belief that they'll help bring down The Functionary's civilization! Also, the Functionary's need for straight roads and for branching out across the entire universe and pissing off lots of foreign people who are able to follow those straight roads back to the seat of power probably help the believers and their rebellion a little bit.

Kid Flash became a murderer to protect his sister but even worse, he became an Absconder!

"Gotta stay! One step! Ahead of the atheist! One jump! Ahead of the lies! I steal only what God won't provide. That's everything!"

Eventually Kid Flash realizes he can't take care of his sister like this so he gives her to a nunnery, The Sisterhood of the Word. I bet that word is cunt! No, wait! It's probably a Holy Text! Yeah, that makes more sense.

The Teen Titans watching this memory on the Brainscreen by Microsoft are finally driven to gasp in horror at the thought of Kid Flash knowingly giving his sister a better life. But he loved her so much and she loved him and he still gave her away! Can you ever imagine not giving in to your own selfish needs for the betterment of somebody else? It's absolutely horrifying! The worst memory yet!

No, no. That's called idolatry! You don't believe in faith! You believe in God! You have faith in God! Stop putting faith before God, dodo-head!

See why people love willfully misunderstanding stuff? Then you get to argue against them knowing full well what they actually meant! But you can make them seem like idiots while you're really just making an idiot of yourself. Although it's far too satisfying to put somebody in their place over something they never meant than to care about how fucking dumb you're going to look afterward. Seriously! It must be or else why else do people continue to comment all over the internet?

Kid Flash began hitchhiking all across the galaxy until he finally realized what he needed to do! He was "to young [sic]" to get revenge on the monsters that killed his parents. So he decided to infiltrate their organization by enlisting with them! He'll bring down the entire organization from within! Maybe he can even get close enough to The Functionary and teach him the glory of Jesus and what he did for everybody! What did he do for everybody? I thought his entire plan was to expose the hypocrisy of the Pharisees so that the people would boot them from power and get Rome off their backs so that Israel could be free to rule itself. No? That wasn't his actual plan? It actually had something to do with living forever as a ghost? Weird. I'd better reread my Bible!

Kid Flash became the Han Solo of the Purifiers, smuggling cargo across the universe while absorbing massive amounts of interstellar radiation due to the limited shielding on the cargo ships. Eventually he crashed but that was when he discovered his super speed powers. And that's Kid Flash's secret origin! Everybody can go back to the past and continue with what they were doing. Right?

Oh wait! I forgot about his trial. I guess he still needs to remember the horrible things he did to make The Functionary send him back in time. Kid Flash builds an army of believers and they use a lightning bolt as their symbol because it's easy to draw. Then they began attacking the government with belief! But then belief turned to tragedy!

Wait. Was the Word that the Sisterhood of the Word followed actually the Word of base, material beliefs? The Word of the Functionary? I don't think so because Kid Flash heard the "testimony" of his neighbors back when his parents were killed when speech bubbles were saying "sharing the word" and "the word forevermore." But then some speech bubbles also said "pure" and "renounce" which make me think the Purifiers were yelling them! I'm confused!

So The Word is either what the believers believe or what the Functionary says people must believe. One of those! Maybe that's why the Teen Titans were so shocked when Kid Flash gave his sister to the Sisterhood of the Word? Because that was the enemy? But how would they fucking know since they knew as much as I did and it was all very confusing! Maybe I shouldn't care so much! It's only the stupid Teen Titans written poorly by poo-poo face Scott Lobdell.

Look! Now he's got me resorting to infantile insults! Jerko!

It turns out Kid Flash only "almost killed" Shira. But it was enough for him to give up the rebellion because better that he not accidentally nearly kill his sister a second time than free hundreds of thousands of people from a despot! No wonder the Rebellion decided he was a traitor!

After hearing Kid Flash's testimony, the other Teen Titans realize he's a pathetic worm and a huge dick for betraying a freedom movement for one insignificant person. Sure, he gave up everything to keep her safe so why wouldn't he give up everything again to keep her safe again! Oh, because maybe with his super special speed powers, he could have brought her over to the rebellion? Maybe? No? Too complicated? Anyway, the Teen Titans look like they're about to turn on him because that's what friends do in Scott Lobdell comic books. They turn on each other at the end of every issue to force some kind of dramatic tension that will be forgotten when the next issue begins next month.

Look! Even Joke-el is concerned with this turn of events!

Teen Titans #26 Rating: Like anybody needs this rating synopsis to find out what I fucking think about Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans? Look, it's the worst comic book ever even if this issue wasn't as bad as Lobdell's usual shit mainly because was concentrating on a completely new history concerning just one Titan. So, you know, he had less subject matter to completely fuck up. I think I mentioned about a year ago that I stopped trying to be unbiased when it came to Scott Lobdell's crap. He needs to write a number of good issues in a row before the taint of his garbage pen is removed from my brain.

The Green Team #7

When did this comic book become Twilight?

J.P. looks more like a weregorilla than a werewolf. Except I don't believe in weregorillas. So he must be a werewolf that just looks stupid. Maybe he got too much Pug Blood in his werewolf mix.

This is the last issue of The Green Team so I should just skip the commentary. I'm never going to reread it since I won't have an issue #8 which means no need to remember what was happening in this issue. Oh! So that would make this a good place to talk behind my future self's back! Ha ha! That guy is such a huge failure. If only he'd made better choices in his life, he might actually be not miserable. Look at how fat he's gotten drowning his tears in package after package of Oreos! It's easy to picture what a crappy month he probably had since I'll never experience that month! The person that experiences that will be a totally other person and why should I have sympathy with that pathetic loser?! I'm just going to bask in the now of an early Friday morning, work looming a couple days in the future for that poor sap.

I'm starting to confuse myself! I'm speaking as if I know what's going to happen in another month so that when my future self reads this, the voice will sound as if it's speaking to him in the correct tense. Except I'm never going to reread this! I'm an idiot! This shit is fucking depressing. I don't even know what I'm doing. Worst writer ever. Where are my Oreos?

Let's concentrate on the comic book, shall we? It looks like the Green Team's Super Power Techno Discs have the ability to change the structure of the users DNA so that they eventually don't need the stupid suits. So J.P. is now the Beast of the team. And Cecelia is the Wolverine in that she can regenerate. Her claws will have to come from her pet cat as soon as her nanites infect it. Commodore 64 still wears his suit but that's okay because one person in a suit is fine. He's the Iron Man even though Iron Man isn't on the X-men. Although I think Tony Stark's drinking problem might be a result of a mutant gene. So he has the mutant power to drink but that sucks in battle so he had to develop a super suit to compensate.

Meanwhile, Temple Bellachek continues to look scrancy. That's scruffy and fancy at the same time.

I hope Cecilia can regrow her head because it isn't attached to her body anymore. Unless that's just her helmet. That's probably just her helmet. Although this is the last issue, so who fucking cares?

And look who just became The Human Torch!

I know! I know! That's from yet another fucking not-X-Men-team!

I suppose Mo could also be Iceman since purple electricity resembles ice just as much as it resembles fire.

Also, note how Mo finally became of romantic interest to LL here? Take that as a cue, "nice guys" that hate on women that never seem to go for the nice guy. First off, women don't owe you anything simply because of how nice you are. But second off and back on point, women want more than a "nice guy." You have to show that you can, at times, act like a grown ass man. They don't want to take care of a "nice boy." It's less apt to say women go for "bad boys" than to say they're attracted to men that show they can take care of themselves. So a man that punches another man in the face isn't attractive because he's a violent asshole. He's attractive because he's confident and makes decisions. Even if those decisions are kind of shitty and probably indicate he's a real jerk. Being a pacifist and walking away from a fight might be a noble position but it probably won't tip you over the edge on the attraction scale simply because there are too many other ways that your actions can be interpreted. Like you're a cowardly man-boy running home to mom. And you should probably listen to me because I speak from next to no experience on this subject!

The Werething isn't happy seeing it's sister smooching daisies with Mo. Unless "smooching daisies" is actually a sex act because I didn't mean to imply they were doing anything untoward in public. They were just kissing! Normal-like! On the lipsies! The Werething attacks Mo but lunges right through him because he must be composed of pure Purple.

And then as the fighting is getting supposedly intense (I can't tell for sure since I'm kind of yawning through it), Cecilia reappears! Literally! I think I can use literally there because she hasn't been seen for awhile so when I say "reappears" you'd think, "Oh, she just came back into the comic after being off-panel for so long." But I can use literally because she becomes visible after having been invisible like the X-men Sue Storm! Then there's more Daisy Smooching.

She kissed the Were right out of him.

After the fight is over is when the fighting really begins. Except it doesn't because Commodore surrenders immediately to Bellachek's goons. And even though they had orders to kill everyone, they decide not to kill everyone instead. I bet their ability to think for themselves and question orders will be seen as a sign of strength to their boss, Bellachek Temple!

Whoops.

The worst part about being fired by Bellachek Temple? He commands your replacement to kill you! What a dick.

Next Temple kills the replacement for back-talking him. If I were one of the remaining guards, I have a feeling I'd put a bullet in Temple myself at this point before the shit rolled far enough downhill to get to me. This guy is a maniac! Fuck the steady paycheck and great benefits package. Working for this guy is like working for The Joker.

The Green Team show up to defeat Temple once and for all but Temple has a surprise for them! He's been working with Daddy all along!

Why is his penis hanging out of his costume? Or is that a catheter he forgot to remove?

Green Team #7 Rating: No change. Whoops! Looks like there is still one more issue left! Now my future self is going to have to read those horrible words I left for him! Oh well, they're not that bad. I gave up before I got too mean because I'm a crappy writer and will probably just get even worse in the coming month.