Detective Comics #26

What has Batman heard that is so funny? Did he hear a good joke? Tell the good joke to me, Batman!

It has been a long time since the people of Gotham City had a good laugh. Perhaps today is the day for jokes! Is this a Man-bat story? Man-bat is always good for a laugh! He is a man but he is also a bat! That is pretty funny when you think about how Batman is a man but is not a bat at all!

Tonight in Gotham City, it is night. Four kids are out exploring an old cave. One of the kids says, "I know a joke about a cave!" One of the other kids says, "Go on then! Tell us! Tell us the good joke!" The first kid says, "When Jesus died, his body was placed in a cave and Peter rolled a big rock in front of it to keep out the coyotes. As Peter was walking away, he heard a faint cry. 'Peter! Peter!' Peter thought, 'That cannot be Jesus for Jesus is dead with a wound in his side! And even if he is alive, that boulder was very heavy and I will not be rolling it away from the entrance today.' So Peter went home. On the second day, Peter walked up to the cave to make sure the coyotes didn't dig their way in. As he was looking about, he heard the voice again! 'Peter! Peter!' I think I might have contracted schizophrenia from that prostitute, he worried. He ran off to have the doctor look at his junk to make sure he wasn't crazy. The third day, Peter wandered back to the cave because the doctor said he could not have contracted schizophrenia from that prostitute since Peter did not know her because he did not have enough silver. He was wishing he had been the one to kiss Jesus when he heard the voice again! 'Peter! Peter!' By golly, thought Peter, I know I hear that now! I guess I have to move that rock! So Peter pushed and he pushed and finally the boulder rolled away revealing an empty cave! The coyotes must have gotten Jesus! But then Peter heard Jesus from above him and he looked up to see Jesus rising up to heaven. Jesus looked down and said, 'Peter! Peter! I could not see your house from in there!'" The kid finished his joke and waited. The other kids waited for the first kid to finish his joke. The first kid said, "That was the end of the joke." The other kids said, "Oh! Ha ha! Yes. That was funny!" Then the most popular kid says, "Look at this! This is not a joke! This is the Batcave! I mean, the Bat-cave! I forgot to hyphenate it the first time! Hyphens are very important. They help you know if your bride was a virgin or not. That is important to some people for some reason. But it is not important to us kids because we are probably going to do it inside of the Bat-cave. It is probably a dare that we have made!"

This boy is smart. He practically knows that Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Inside the Bat-cave, the kids find graffiti and beer cans and bones and premature death. It is not funny at all. If it were caught on video, it would not win ten thousand dollars. It would not even win five dollars.

In the Gotham Mortuary, Batman's Hologram listens as Commissioner Gordon tells Batman all of the places they have found the bones of dead teenagers. "We are finding them everywhere, Batman. Why are you not stopping it? I should arrest you as an accessory to murder since you are not stopping the murders!" Jim shouts.

Batman says, "This is not the last page of the first issue of Batgirl, Jim. I am a good guy. I am trying just as hard as you are to stop people from being killed. In fact, I am trying even harder because I am The Batman."

"You are right," concedes Commissioner Gordon. "I do not know what came over me. I should not have threatened you; I should have told you about the clue we found."

"A clue! Why did you not tell me about the clue!?" interrogates Batman.

"Because the clue was actually more than a clue! It was a witness that said Man-bat is behind it all!" explained Jim incorrectly.

"A-ha! I knew it must have been Man-bat! Or The Joker! But I was like 60% sure it was The Man-bat! That Kirk Langstrom is always up to no good! I, Bru...The Batman, shall catch him and find out if he or his beautiful wife is behind the deaths!"

"Good luck with that...oh, he is gone! That is always surprising to me! I should maybe not smoke so much pot anymore," explained Jim Gordon.

"Ah! It is the Man-bat!" giggles Batman. "I do not know why I find him so funny! He is wearing pants!"

Batman decides to play a good joke on Man-bat. Batman sees that Man-Bat has big ears! That means he can hear things extra loudly. So Batman plays a loud song at Man-Bat and Man-Bat falls from the sky unconscious because it is such a good joke. Although Batman decides the joke might not be so funny if he winds up in jail for manbatslaughter, so Batman flies out of his plane and catches Man-Bat. Batman says, "Can you not take a joke? I was only teasing!"

Man-Bat does not find Batman funny at all so he tries to bite him in the face. That kind of body language is universal for "You are an unfunny twat." Batman realizes he needs to work on his material, so he says, "Have you heard the one about the masturbating defenestrator?"

"He came through the window!"

"No? You do not find that one funny either, Man-Bat?" responds Batman to Man-Bat's claw attack. Man-Bat is the worst kind of heckler. He thinks he is funnier than Batman but he is not. He is a hack who stole Batman's whole act! You can tell he stole Batman's act because of his name, Man-Bat. Can you see the similarity?

Three hours before Batman's set, he told a secret to Alfred Pennyworth, his butler. The secret was this: all of the teenagers were killed by flying piranha bats. "We should warn the people of Gotham City!" screamed Alfred calmly. "No, no. We cannot do that yet, Alfred." "Why not, Master Bruce?!" "Because," answered Batman, "I am still working on the material. Flying Piranha Bats makes a good punchline but I need the perfect setup!" "That makes sense," said Alfred who is probably suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

Three hours after that, Batman sings a Bat-Lullaby and Kirk Langstrom becomes human again. He says, "My wife did it!" Batman says, "We must stop her! But first, have you ever heard of Flying Piranha Bats?" "Is that a joke?" asks Man-Bat. "Umm, yes, never mind. Forget I said that because you have already stolen enough of my material. Let us go punch your wife in the bat tits now. That should stop her because bat tits are very sensitive." "Yes, they are," responds Kirk as he rubs his nipples carefully.

"No wonder he steals from me," thinks Batman. "His material is so weak."

Batman and Kirk Langstrom decide to explore the Bat-Cave. Not Batman's Bat-Cave! That is the Batcave! Without the hyphen! This Bat-Cave is the one that the popular kid and his friends died in. Unless they are not dead yet! But how could they survive the Flying Piranha Bats? Nobody can withstand that joke. Not at all. Even Batman has a hard time keeping a straight face when he finally hears the complete joke.

"Ha ha! That name is even dumber than Man-Bat's name! Ha ha! Also, she is wearing pants! Ha ha!"

Kirk Langstrom's plan fails just like Batman knew it would. But Batman had a secret joke that he would not tell Kirk so that Kirk would not steal it. Batman's joke worked! Batman's joke defeated The Bat Queen! Batman's joke was thi...Who the fuck is that?

Is this that Stephanie Brown person? Where the fuck did she come from? Hide your face, Bruce! Hide your face right now!

Detective Comics #26 Rating: Are you fucking kidding me? This was a Man-Bat comic book! I hate Man-Bat! I will not lower myself to give a rating to this comic book! I mean, it wasn't bad or anything. And it had a topless woman-bat! But it had Man-Bat! Ugh! What a jerk. Although I never really hated Man-Bat until every other pack of Heroclix had one of his figures in it when the DC Heroclix first came out.

Swamp Thing #26

Last issue, Swamp Thing was forced into early retirement because he refused to kill the new kid applying for his job. I have a feeling Charles Soule was just writing a parable about life working in a law firm. I've read, like, one book by John Grisham. I know how that shit works! I wonder how many people Perry Mason had to kill to keep his job?

In retirement, The Swamp Thing can watch what Woordrue gets up to. He also knows what Woodrue is thinking. Being a retired Avatar is a lot like being an omniscient narrator.

Or a lot like my aunt who can't shut up while watching a movie and thinks she's offering helpful suggestions to the protagonist when she's not asking me unanswerable questions about what's going to happen.

Jason Woodrue decides to let Capucine go for now. I guess she realizes Woodrue won't give a shit about her pact she made with a long dead Avatar about sanctuary, so she runs for her life. Being that she's running through trees and on top of grass, she's lucky that Woodrue is too busy thinking up a way to impress his new boss. What a fucking kiss ass. It's bad enough when a new employee joins the company and decides she has to compete with everybody at her same level. It's even more pathetic when the new employee is competing with past employees that don't even work there anymore! Nobody is going to respect you, Jason Woodrue, for toeing the company line and trying to be a super employee. You know what bosses really like? When you tell them to shove it up their fucking ass and leave you alone to do your fucking job! Here's some of the best phrases everybody should use on their bosses this week to gain some well-needed respect in the office and possibly that pay raise you desperately need: "Stop micromanaging me, you Godforsaken cunt!" "I'm taking a four hour lunch and there's nothing you can do to stop me." "The deadline on this project is too stressful; I'm going to add a few weeks to it." "Holy fuck, you smell like a monkey today!" "You know how you could increase morale? Stack of porn in the handicapped stall!" "Jesus Christ, you really look tense. Oral sex in the supply closet?"

Jason Woodrue (also known as The Seeder but that title's a bit too porny for me. Although, "Woodrue" isn't exactly not porn material) has decided that the best times the world has ever known was when one of the Three Colored Kingdoms was completely fucking out of control and decided to destroy the other colored kingdoms. So his first order of business is to take out Buddy Baker.

Good thing Woodrue didn't go after the real Avatar of the Red! Even with her little kitty cat's help, I'm not sure Maxine is ready for this kind of fight.

So Earth would kind of be seriously fucked if Woodrue was the Avatar of the Green while Brother Blood was the Avatar of the Red and Arcane was Avatar of the Gray! But what a glorious Elseworlds Title that would make! Probably something like three times better than Rotworld!

While Woodrue battles Buddy Baker, Alec Holland, Retired Avatar, studies Woodrue's past. Because as a previous Avatar, he gets to know everything Woodrue knows just as Woodrue gets access to all of the memories of past Avatars. So Holland remembers that time at Reed College in Portland, Oregon, when Woodrue met a professor that somehow guessed the mysteries of The Green by reading The Lord of the Rings and other ancient histories. Woodrue believes him because this is a comic book and characters need The Wise Man to tell them things that nobody can easily find out. But this is Reed college and two guys are talking about "The Green Man," so if this weren't a comic book, this entire conversation would really just be them feeling each other out and making sure they're both into pot before they offer each other some chronic herb.

The Professor: "So, Jason, you're interested in plants and consciousness, are you?"
Jason: "Yeah, Prof! Have you ever heard plants thinking?"
The Professor: "Ha ha! That's a theory most people aren't quite ready for. But are you ready to know it?"
Jason: "Fuck yeah! You know it, Pro!"
The Professor: "Have you ever heard of 'The Green Man'?"
Jason: "Have I! You mean like fucking Tom Bombadil and shit right?"
The Professor: "So, you like The Lord of the Rings, do you? Especially the Hobbits and their penchant for smoking?"
Jason: "If only we could become The Green Man, right Professor?"
The Professor: "Say no more, Jason. Say no more. Although, what would you think about becoming The Brown Man?"
Jason: "Whoa whoa whoa! I may party, Prof, but I don't party, if you get my drift."
The Professor: "What? Hunh...oh! No, no! I just meant Hashish!"
Jason: "Fuck yeah! Let's do this shit! Reed College for the win!"
The Professor: "Smoke up, Jason, smoke up. A+, my boy! Now, when you get nice and relaxed and the hash has you groovin' just right, maybe we can really discuss your mistaken version of The Brown Man, hunh my succulent student?"
Jason: "Whatever you say, Prof. Whateeeeeeeevvvvvvveeeeeerr ya glarbglarggllleee saaaaa...."

I wonder if Reed will give me a job writing brochures for their college?

After talking with his obviously crazy Professor and seeing one woodcut of a half-man, half-plant creature, Jason Woodrue decided all this bullshit about Plant Avatars must be true because there was so little evidence of it.

And persistence and ignorance of probability eventually pays off!

I wish I lived in a comic book. Then I could think, "My God! There is so much candy in the world! I once heard a person on the street mention that his candy spoke to him, so candy must have consciousness and it probably has a protector! And I've heard of the game Candy Land and of a man called The Candyman! So candy must have a secret world and an Avatar that protects it! I shall now spend the next five years of my life searching for this place!" And in five years time, through persistence and following all the right leads, I will have found the legendary Candyland! Or, if it were real life, I'd be ranting and raving, homeless on the streets and muttering that I was the King of the Candy People!

Back to "reality," Buddy Baker believes Alec Holland has gone nuts when Swamp Thing (Woodrue Version, of course. I just have to explain that because I don't know how stupid you are or if you've actually been paying attention or perhaps, like usual, I just haven't been clear enough) challenges him to a duel. Buddy agrees to the challenge though because he realizes Woodrue wants to destroy the Avatar and Buddy doesn't want this nutcase hurting his daughter.

So they battle while Alec loses himself in more of Woodrue's past. Like when Woodrue went to see Foghorn Leghorn for some additional power.

"I say, I say son, yah got ta take the bull by the man-parts. By the testicles, that is."

Jason Woodrue learns fairly quickly that arrogance is no match for experience. Buddy Baker defeats him handily and flies away. Jason Woodrue is left feeling impotent and embarrassed. He wanted so much to prove his worth to his new boss that he completely fucked up his first assignment. Maybe they weren't watching since he assigned the project to himself. So he decides to take on a challenge that he can feel they care about. He destroys a place clear cutting a large swath of the Amazon Rainforest, killing all the workers while also getting a nice shot for his new Christmas Card. It'll go nicely with this years "Catch Up Everybody I Rarely Talk To But I Desperately Need to Impress with How Much I've Been Living Life End of the Year Letter." This year should be the best since he's finally accomplished the goal he spent years working to accomplish while everybody he knew mocked him and told him he should maybe seriously cut down on the weed.

Swamp Thing #26 Rating: No change. Swamp Thing was just a disembodied voice throughout this comic book! I can't justify a rise in the ranks when all Alec did was Narration Box the entire time! If I didn't like this title so much, that might even be a reason to drop the ranking! Anyway, I'm not sure how much The Swamp Thing can interfere with an Avatar as a member of the Parliament of Trees. If he's even a member! I'm a little bit unclear on that point. But I'm sure he'll learn to manipulate The Seeder and get him to fuck up his job so that The Parliament eventually realizes they've made a huge mistake. I think he'll probably contact Abby and get The Rot to help put down Woodrue.

Green Arrow #26

Is Lemire going to release an Outsiders Role Playing Game when this is over?

More stuff has been taking place in this comic book than I'm able to remember and recap. Green Arrow was driven out of Seattle by Komodo and into the desert arms of that blind guy Magus or whatever his name was. I'm surprised I even came up with Komodo! Anyway, in a hallucinogenic ritual, Green Arrow learned (or remembered?) that Komodo was chosen by his father to be his apprentice. But Komodo had ants in his pants and couldn't wait, so he killed Ollie's dad so that he could be the Leader of the Arrow Clan. But the Arrow Relic was never found, so he kind of jumped the gun on that one. He took Ollie's sister, daughter of Shado (one of three Dragons Magus tasked Ollie to find), and began raising her as his apprentice. Meanwhile, Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu (and probably the leader of the Fist Clan), has rolled into Seattle and is threatening to take over all of the criminal territories. Also, Diggle and The Clock King are up to something as well. Count Vertigo kind of sidetracked the Outsiders story arc a bit but now he's safely tucked away in Belle Reve awaiting a call from Amanda Waller.

If any of that is wrong or I missed anything important, I'm sure it'll be cleared up by the comic book when I begin reading it!

The issue begins with Ollie proving that his balance is back and his ear, blown out by Vertigo, is all better.

Goddammit, Sorrentino! Are you trying to make me forget my precious Tig by making Naomi just as fucking cute?! Well it won't work because J.T. Krul made Naomi a stupid fuckface and I probably won't ever be able to work my way past that!

Why is the word "fuckface" an insult? I keep repeating it and it's kind of turning me on!

*sigh* Just look how cute Naomi is! I hope she really is a fuckface!

While Green Arrow wants to go kick Komodo's ass, Shado tells him what the real plan is going to be.

One Arrow to rule them all and on the island bind them!

Shado claims to know where the Arrow Totem is because Ollie's dad showed her a secret map. She seems to think it showed the location of the Arrow Totem but I bet it was just a map with a hole cut in it that Ollie's father stuck his dick through. But Shado convinces Green Arrow and they head off to the island where Ollie learned how to utilize a bow and arrow. I think he met an imaginary monk while stranded on the island who taught Ollie everything he knows.

Meanwhile in Arizona, Magus is meeting with The Butcher, the head of the Axe Clan. Apparently there are some Rogue Clans that aren't working with the World Dominating Outsiders. Unless Magus is talking about offshoots of the main clans. Like the Axe Clan is working with the other Outsiders but there is a Rogue Axe Clan called The Hatchets. Maybe that's how Ann Nocenti's Dagger Clan fits into things. They're just a rogue part of the Sword Clan.

What am I saying?! Ann Nocenti's writing has no place in Lemire's Outsiders War! And with Katana cancelled, she won't even be able to confuse anybody with strange ambiguities and horrible scripts.

As Green Arrow and Shado arrive on his island and begin following Shado's map, Ollie remembers his time on the island and how much he grew. He shed the skin of the spoiled rich kid and became a man able to take responsibility on his own shoulders. He finally learned how to shoot an arrow straight. And he was eventually captured by The Others! But that story will have to be finished another time because Ollie and Shado have arrived at the "X" on Shado's map.

Sometimes thinking outside the box means thinking inside the box, stupid!

Inside the cave are a bunch of sixty foot tall statues carved into the rock and a pedestal with a glowing green arrow.

Back in Prague, Golgotha, leader of the Spear Clan and, apparently, leader of all the Outsiders, informs Komodo that Green Arrow and Shado will soon be dead because he has sent the Shield Clan and their leader, Kodiak, to the island to complete the job that Komodo couldn't handle.

Green Arrow #26 Rating: +10 Ranking. Lemire has put Green Arrow's shit back together and things are progressing nicely. I suppose I can finally, mostly, forget the past atrocities perpetrated on this character. Forget but not forgive! Because if I forget, I won't have to bother with forgiving! I should also say this so that it's fresh in my memory next issue: Spear, Shield, Fist, Arrow, Sword, Axe. Those are the six Outsiders Clans that have been revealed. One mystery one remains! I think they're the Bird Clan and they're represented by the Court of Owls.

Earth 2 #18

This is what my house in Oblivion looked like.

In Oblivion, I gathered up every skull I could find from the beginning of the game and dropped it inside my house. So anytime I walked around my house, skulls would fly up in all directions as I waded through them. In Morrowind (which I played on the PC and thus had a much easier time placing items on surfaces in the direction I wanted them to face), I squatted in the house where the guy was afraid to go back into his home because the basement was haunted. In that house, every surface was covered by those black statues with the red eyes. I probably spent more time decorating than solving quests.

But this isn't a blog about Computer Games even though I'd probably rather have a blog about computer games because I really like playing computer games. This is a blog about comic books! And it's time to talk about Earth 2 and New Batman!

The World Army has been dismantled by Flip The Fuck Out Superman (with Super Genocide Power Action!) and all of Earth 2's Wonders are wondering how the hell they're going to stop Superman.

That's probably not it. That was, of course, Jay Garrick's plan. I said "of course" because Jay Garrick is an idiot in a horrible fucking costume.

Meanwhile Batman is in the basement looking to free three specific villains from stasis. He's interrupted by Lois Tornado who calls him Bruce because she's just recently back from the dead, so she doesn't know this Batman is a mystery man. Also trying to stop Batman is Major Sato of the World Army. But Batman being Batman (even if he's not Batman), he deflects all attempts to stop him and releases his first super villain.

Aquaman?

It's probably not actually Aquaman since Aquaman has nothing to do with Superman. But Lori Lemaris does! She has the Double "L" name that's so important to Superman! Plus she has a history with him. Maybe. This is The New 52 and Earth 2 so I really don't know what the fuck is actually going on. But if it is Lori, Lois Tornado is probably going to get super jealous. How dare Batman's plan be to seduce Superman when that was General Lane's plan!

Superman decides to merely cripple The Flash because Darkseid might be able to transform him into a horrible monster. Superman also wants to take Michael Holt (Mister Terrific!) and Terry Sloan (The original Mister Terrific! Now Mister 8 or something) back to Apokolips. It probably seems like a good idea, taking the smartest people on Earth 2 prisoner. But in reality, Superman should probably kill these guys because they're going to be the ones to figure out how to defeat Darkseid and his minions once and for all. Unless Batman thinks up a scheme first.

Speaking of Batman, he's just now releasing the second super villain on his list.

Oh! Aquawoman! I should have realized that the breasts were a clue.

So Superman's pal breathes information. He's taken the name "Accountable" and has become a whistleblower against the World Army. I suppose with this great cast of blasts from Superman's past, the next villain to be released will be Lex Luthor. Unless New Batman is Lex Luthor! No, no. Even on Earth 2, I can't see Lex Luthor engaging in the same kind of badassery that The Goddamned Batman engages in. He might be smart, but he's not going to take a kick to the face without completely losing his cool.

Jimmy Olsen sniffs Major Sato's phone and catches up on all the world events, even the one that is just now happening: Parademons are pouring out of the fire pits all across the globe. Looks like Darkseid's back-up plan to gain Earth is in full swing. If only Batman and Superman hadn't destroyed that mega-weapon all those years ago during their big adventure with Alternate Earth Superman and Alternate Earth Goddamned Batman. After everybody realizes how extremely fucked they all are, Batman points out the last criminal he came for: The Joker.

Well then. Who the fuck is this new Batman anyway?!

Earth 2 #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. The more Earth 2 feels like an Elseworlds Title and the less like the Golden Age Justice Society, the happier I'm going to be! I imagine New Batman must be fed-the-fuck-up Dick Grayson. It's got to be somebody that would hate the fucking Joker this much. Also, what the hell is happening with Hawkgirl and Mister Miracle and Big Barda?!

Batwing #26

This cover shows a comic book that I would like to read but which I know is not this one.

Last month, Zero Year interrupted the regular story so now I can't remember what the fuck was actually going on. Some guy wanted a diamond mine or something that had been run by a lion God but Bruce Wayne was all, "Unh un, honey, I'll be taking that!" And the guy was all, "FUCK BRUCE WAYNE AND HIS POCKETS DEEPER THAN ANY DWARVEN MINE IN MIDDLE EARTH!" And his guy was in Rome or something? I think that's correct because their are steps and columns on the cover just like the cover of that Led Zeppelin album that was most tranquil. The rest of the story's details will probably begin to come back to me around page eleven or twelve if I just dive in!

Or maybe Luke Fox will be super helpful and begin the issue with a ton of expository Narration Boxes.

"An attempt to improve the lives of the mineworkers." Keep drinking the Bruce Wayne Brand Kool-aid, Lucas.

Lucas Fox has grown a stupid blonde mohawk and a shitty, patchy goatee for his disguise as Duke Turner, Cage Fighter! Since the crime boss is in Rome and his name is Caligula, he's obviously into greasy men fighting naked and to the death. That's yet another interest the Romans stole from the Greeks. Why don't we just refer to those ancient civilizations as the Gromans?

Lucas Fox puts on a good show in his exhibition matches by being sure to maintain a better than average chubby while rolling around the cage with the other men. Caligula likes what he sees and sends a private invitation to Lucas Fox to join him for Caligula's private Cage Fights. He's warned by the Batman Incorporated plant (who, I suppose, is now just stuck undercover without help or funds from Batman Incorporated now that it's been shut down? I'm sure Bruce will continue to support the field agents until they're all dead) that his opponents in Caligula's private fights won't be anything like the chumps he rubbed up against in his early matches. And she's not wrong.

Where'd Lucas learn those fucking bullshit tactics? Cobra Kai Dojo?

Lucas Fox's contact is Pippi Giovanni. She's taken over the role as Rome's superhero, Legionary. The role used to be her dad's until he became corrupt, fell in with Caligula, and was eventually stabbed to death by Wingman. That sounds like something Jason Todd would do. Stab first, guilt the ex-hero into reforming or, at least, killing himself later. Batwing decides he doesn't want to die in the next round of fights against some monster with super powers, so he plans to kidnap Caligula before the night is over. Legionary doesn't really care for the plan but she decides to help him so he doesn't fuck up all of her months of undercover work.

Legionary adds an addendum to Batwing's plan. Was that redundant? That sentence sounded redundant! She wants to steal Caligula's huge diamond that somehow collects GPS and audio information from every other diamond on Earth pulled from the same mine that Wayne Enterprises now owns. Caligula uses it to keep track of any asshole that needs to constantly wear these super expensive specialty diamonds.

Won't a boat speeding across land arouse suspicion?

The plan does not go smoothly. How could it? I was only on page thirteen! Batwing couldn't have seven more pages of downtime as he and Pippi celebrate their victory! Instead, Caligula and his army of Legionnaires catch Batwing and Legionary sneaking off with his treasure. Although that might just make the plan go more smoothly since they had to stop off and kidnap Caligula anyway. He just made that part of the plan easy peasy. Sure, there are some minor hitches like the entire island exploding. But in the end, they get away with Caligula and his diamond. Except they only have half a page of that relaxing downtime which is usually my favorite part of comic books.

Also, Legionary, in case you haven't heard: you're out of a job.

Batwing #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue kept me more entertained than this comic usually does. And Lucas Fox made a friend! He's already starting a little Batwing Family. I'm not a fan of Legionary's name but I suppose if you have to have a theme tied closely to your country, you can't go wrong by being totally cliche! I like the name Pippi though. She should just stick with that even though it screams "sidekick."

Batman Loves Superman #6

Mongul's biceps are bigger than his waist. And his head is smaller than his cock.

Last issue, Mongul decided to surprise everybody on Earth with a free video game system that tests their skills so that he can build an army out of video game geeks. His plan might work as long as he is able to keep all of his soldiers anonymous or else they'll lose their self-confidence and their balls of steel. "Balls of steel" is a genderless descriptor of the false bravado of members of the online community. I don't think the "balls" refers to testicles but to burning balls of rage that make up their entire being. I remember playing Halo years ago when it wasn't as easy to mute everybody and we just sort of took it for granted that we had to hear the other team. But you can only hear people screaming "faggot" and "nigger" so many times before you're looking for the button that tells you the phone number of your opponent's mom so you can tell her what kind of a shitbag her progeny has turned out to be. My friends and I used to speak in high pitched voices and treat everybody really super friendly while playing Halo. I don't think Mongul would have chosen us for his army.

Anyway, Batman tried to ruin Mongul's plan and wound up getting shot in the chest with a plasma rifle. Superman, who can hear everything in the world, did not rush to save him. And, I think, that's where this issue begins!

Oh God I hope it's not sideways this month.

Oh fuck me. Well, this will be the only time I leave the pictures sideways. Apparently I understand better than DC when a gimmick has run its fucking course.

Batman currently has a huge, gaping hole in his chest, so he's dead. Or, here's another theory, it's not Batman! I bet when Hiro gave Batman the cheat code to defeat Nightwing, he also managed to log him out of the game somehow, replacing himself with a virtual pre-programmed Batman. But since the game plays over reality, I don't know how Batman could have logged out. Maybe he just pulled that trick where Commissioner Gordon turns around and Batman goes home.

Superman arrives and notices the CTO's skeleton is made out of crystal. He notices Hiro trying not to die. And he sees Batman, calling him "a fool beyond saving." Well, that's not the kind of thing Superman would normally say if one of his buddies died! So he must realize it's just a simulation. Or, like I said last commentary, Superman is a giant dickhole.

Oh Superman. You saw the female's crystal skeleton. Why couldn't you have seen that dead Batman was a fake?

But apparently Batman isn't a fake because a cloud of nano-particles reform his body and bring him back to life so that he can Narration Box again and speak to Superman in a mechanical voice. But he doesn't have lungs or a heartbeat so, you know, that kind of sucks. Batman is also somewhat under the control of Jimmy Olsen and the other Beta Testers. They're still too stupid and filled with Asteroid Bloodrage to listen to Toymaker about how this isn't part of the game. They just keep playing and figure the next level should be Batman Versus Superman.

Except the fight doesn't last very long when Batman realizes Jimmy Olsen is trying to control him and Superman begins chastising Jimmy.

I liked this story last issue when I thought it was going to be a silly little light-hearted romp. But now Batman has died and one of the most powerful aliens in the universe is fucking with Earth. When it becomes serious like this, the stupid stuff I was looking past before now stands out in stark contrast to the heavy tone and makes me hate this story. Batman is dead? He really died here? And now he's Robot Batman linked to a video game console and controlled by Jimmy Olsen? Bah. Fuck that bullshit. You can't fucking kill Batman even if it's just a short lived death! Greg Pak is breaking DC's biggest rule! Batman doesn't die! And he was dead for a bit until the nano-particles brought him back. I suppose the main rule at DC is "Batman doesn't lose." I guess, technically, you can kill him all you want as long as he still fights through it and overcomes. Perhaps sideways comic books take place on a different Earth!

Also, you can apparently turn him into a laser eyed robot.

Agnes launches the Alpha of the Toymaker's MMO and all the raging gamers log on to try their hand at controlling Batman. But they're only super violent because of the Golden Fury Spores that Mongul dropped all over Earth. So this isn't a commentary on video games making people violent. It's a commentary on drug use!

I guess Toymaker sponsored this gaming system via Kickstarter which is why so many thousands of people have the gear necessary to play the game. All the backers probably got free Virtual Reality Kits months ago. And now they're all being asked to kill Superman because of all those stupid reasons that Lobdell has been trying to use to make Superman look bad in the eyes of humanity. He's so strong that he's dangerous. He's not actually helping; he's just a lure for trouble and violence. He's going to sleep with all of our human women. You know. The usual arguments!

So Batman begins pummeling Superman and he likes it. And I'm sure it's not just the Golden Fury Spores causing his violent glee. It's just that, you see, Batman is also a gigantic dickhole.

The issue ends with Batman and Superman fighting and Mongul looking on proudly, just waiting for the proper moment to enslave the human race.

Batman Loves Superman #6 Rating: -4 Ranking. Mongul's entire plan is to harness the violence inherent in humans. Why is he wasting his time? There are so many more species in the universe that are probably more bad-ass fighters than humans with their tissue paper thin skin and their penchant for bleeding out and losing consciousness in just a few minutes. And what about our empathy? Fuck, hasn't Mongul been listening to the Green Lanterns that he's always fighting? Earthlings are special creatures with a capacity for love and hope and kindness like no other creatures in the Omniverse! So why try to increase their minimal amounts of violent behavior for his own uses? Mongul is an idiot. Go enslave Jruk the New Green Lantern Recruit's homeworld! Now those guys are major bloodthirsty madmen!

The Movement #7

I've already forgotten the real names of The Graveyard Faction. They'll always be Butterface, Assholster, Hester Prynne, and Emo Pigpen to me.

I do remember Arson's name because it struck me as fairly boring. I wonder if his name was a mishear? His parents probably looked proudly on him at high school graduation as they clasped their hands, looked each other deeply in the eyes, and sighed, "Our son." Their son heard it as "Arson" and a flaming light bulb appeared over his head as he realized he knew what he wanted to study in college: Microbiology! Also, maybe he'd start burning buildings down as a hobby, or part-time job if he could find the work. I'm certain Craigslist: Coral City has a Sketchy Career Opportunities section.

Last issue, Mouse had been left strung up on a lamppost (that's why his face is crossed out!) and Tremor had let the corrupt cops skip out on their mock trial. The Cornea Killer (I was having trouble remembering his name because "serial killer" kept making me think of cornflakes and I just knew Cornflake Killer couldn't possibly be the guy's name even if Gail Simone is writing this) was revealed to be the son of Man Cannon, the corrupt corruptician running things in Coral City. Vengeance Moth had a moment where she flipped the fuck out but we still didn't really get to see her powers. And Burden was being told more lies about himself. But it's okay because this time the lies were to help him get over the lies that were causing him so much pain!

It's easy to follow an Indigo trail in Coral City since most of the city is orange, yellow, and red.

Burden looks like he's having a really pleasant time tied to the bed. I think The Movement accidentally found his kink.

Virtue takes off to help out with Mouse, leaving Vengeance Moth to contemplate her super powers: muscular dystrophy and not doing drugs. Hmm, maybe those are just facts about her. Her super power is still a mystery! But she's still trying to foist fruit snacks on everyone. What are in those things?

Her favorite fruit snack flavor? Slightly Aroused Uncircumcised Penis.

Meanwhile, Mouse's dying words are, "Tremor, I want to pet your fur." Who doesn't? But is that really a fitting epitaph? Maybe if your tombstone was going to be set up in a skeezy bar so it can hit on people. I woke up a few weeks ago with most of my own epitaph already formed in my head! It'll take a gigantic hunk of marble to inscribe it all onto though because it's this long (also, this is it):

I am here. You are there. So many others inbetween. In all the infinite vastness of time and space, how highly improbable that we should ever have met. It seems beyond all bounds of decency that we should fight, against the very will of the universe that we should treat each other poorly, truly the antithesis of reason that we should make each other miserable. We should laugh and we should embrace and we should grow more familiar with each other's oddities and differences and the rare and brief moments where we seem to have been created one for the other. And yet we were not which only makes our brief liaison in the unending bounds of time and space even more unlikely. We owe it to chance and improbability and random, stupid luck to be kind to each other.

I know I already put this in one of my commentaries! Don't think I won't be putting it in future ones either! If you want to read highly original works of art, this blog isn't it! This place is where I write down my thoughts and then create more thoughts that are derivative of the original thoughts and then repeat myself and create more derivative thoughts based on the stuff I've repeated several times over again. It's so much easier to come up with material that way!

Nearby Mouse's Lamppost, The Graveyard Faction are hiding in an alleyway waiting for Virtue to arrive. It looks like Hester Prynne can follow emotional trails just like Virtue can because The Graveyard Faction now plans to follow Virtue's backwash back to The Movement's hideout where Vengeance Moth was left alone with Redlance, Suntop, Ember, and the other Elf children.

Oh! Oh! I know a good ritual for that!

But before Vengeance Moth can help Burden with his problem, Suntop notices something isn't quite right with the tunnels.

Earlier Vengeance Moth mentioned how she doesn't like to fight. So she really is taking Redlance's part in defending the homestead.

Maybe Vengeance Moth has a really sweet power that can be used for violence but she hates to have to resort to that. That's why she chose such an in-your-face name. So she doesn't have to get in your face at all.

While Vengeance Moth prepares to protect the sanctuary against the Graveyard Faction, Katharsis rushes Mouse to a hospital probably filled with cops since they're all hanging about listening to Toothless Joe tell his tale of survival horror. He's trying to get the cops to raid The Movement's hideout before they have time to bolster their defences. Shut up, Spell Check! That's a completely acceptable way to spell "defense" if you don't mind living in a grey and gray limbo between American English and British English!

She can also shoot forth little green moths to cut and slice and eat cotton drapes. I wonder if she can do moths in other spectrum colours? I just typed that to piss off Spell Check some more. Stupid bloody wanker.

Oh yeah! I knew I liked Butterface's actual name: Monster Baby. I'm not sure if my fake name for her or her real name is more offensive. Probably my fake name since she didn't choose to be called that!

Back at the hospital, Mouse is really fucked up. He probably should have told his team, before he wound up in a coma, that he has regenerative powers but they only work when he's doing some quality heavy petting. Get this boy a pubic area stat!

Officer Yee has decided to stand alone against Toothless Joe and the other corrupt cops to keep them from going back and killing civilians. The Police Chief delivers some files on the Graveyard Faction to Virtue so that maybe The Movement will stand a chance against Man Cannon's super powered mercenaries whom the Police Chief obviously doesn't want on his turf. And back at headquarters, Burden is the only chance left to keep everybody safe. Not exorcised, sin-free little Christopher with the sexytime feelings. Crazy, epistolary, sin-filled, Mama's Boy Burden.

I know Vengeance Moth is manipulating him to save people, but it's really the right thing to do. He can't be free of his problems while living a different lie which is why I especially like this because it's reminiscent of Mulan. Christopher's problems can't be beaten if he's living a lie. He must deal with his demons while being true to himself. So get back on the Devil Wagon, bitch!

And then I turn the page and HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Burden's demon form does not disappoint. It's like a cross between a dinosaur and a pegasus and a satyr that didn't heed the warning about eating raw seafood and ingested a bunch of Octopus eggs which have finally hatched. He probably smells really, really badly as well. I wonder what his mother would say?

The Movement #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Compared to some of DC's other twenty page comic books, this one packs in a lot more story. Usually with this many scene changes, a comic book can feel like it has barely moved ahead in the plot. But Gail Simone has some pretty tight control over her story telling abilities here. She probably doesn't have to worry too much about editors mucking around with her script ideas either since these characters are either brand new or peripheral to the rest of the DC Universe. And it's fun while still managing serious themes!