Action Comics #16

I wonder if the entire Reboot was a prank played on everyone by Vyndktvx?

This issue begins in 3030 CE in the Megurb (Mega Urban City?) of Nugothotropolis. I guess urban sprawl finally joined these two cities even if the sprawl had to cross a bay to do it. Or a full state. Or half a continent. Sometimes DC's geography can be a little slippery.

The Legion of Super-heroes are sneaking about trying to get back into their old headquarters. It looks like they're not officially a team in this version of the future although they're still working together. They're up to no good and I, for one, hope they all get caught and killed! Especially since I thought I was beginning to like their comic book and then Levitz wrote Issue #15 which was basically just dinosaurs stomping around Spain. It was not good.

How cute! They're all grown up! I wonder if there's an official form they have to fill out to change Lad, Boy, and Girl to Man and Woman.

The Legion are breaking into their headquarters to secure the last Time Bubble left in all of existence! Or at least all of existence in this future. And I guess this future isn't a Flashpoint future since they're going to go back in time. The three original Legion members hop aboard the Time Bubble and zip back in time to the Metropolis of yesterday. Exactly yesterday, according to the narration box.
Or maybe they don't. At least not yet. The scene simply moves to yesterday. Perhaps that's because Legion will arrive today. That makes sense, right?

That's Superman returning from Mars. But now he's aware that the timeline is all fudged up by Vyndktvx.

Superman tells Lois and Jimmy to go find Mister Triple XXX at Metropolis General so that he can save all the days. Superman is way out of his league on this fight, so it's a good thing he knows it. Currently he's just in an interplanetary brawl with Doctor Xa-Du, the escapee from the Phantom Zone.

Susie appears and fucks with Superman's mind with her Super Evolved Human powers. Apparently she (along with all the other people Superman has been in conflict with in Action Comics) has made a deal with The Little Man From Another Dimension. Susie's too young to be responsible for signing a contract! Anyway, how can that deal hold up in interdimensional court? Vyndktvx has the power of the 5th Dimension behind him! He can just access any timeline where the other person agrees to his contract so there isn't any way for anybody to say no to him! Lois convinces Susie that she doesn't want to hurt Superman so at least that problem is solved. Now if Jimmy would only hurry up and go wake up Mxyzptlk, Grant Morrison's run on Action Comics can end exactly where it left off as Mxy fixes up the timelines.

And then Vyndktvx appears with his End of the World Deal for everyone.

Deal!

A day later (I guess. Remember, time is slipping all over the place), the Doctor Xa-Du and the K-Men have Superman beaten and at their mercy. But before they can kill his soul with Blue Kryptonite Power (worst power ever since there's no such thing as a soul! Ha ha! Loser!), Krypto and Metalek arrive to save the day!

Krypto might have gone rabid since we last saw him.

While Lois and Jimmy arrive at Mxyzptlk's side just in time to save him from Nimrod, Lex Luthor has built one of those transdimensional dealies like his like-a-look on Earth 23 built way back in Issue #9. This results in the exact same thing that happened to that racist Luthor: The Mega-Brand Corporate Superman comes through!

That little prick thinks he has everything under control. He probably should have begun all of his plans with killing Mxyzptlk. Unless he couldn't because Mxy is also a 5th Dimensional being and things between Vyndktvx and Mxyzptlk have to be done in their own weird linear way on the 5th Dimensional level.

Lois and Jimmy can't wake up Mxyzptlk but that's okay because that's when the Legion of Super-heroes arrive to really confuse things! Now we have different timelines and time travelers and creatures from other Earths as well! What a fucking great mess Vyndktvx has created! And it all makes for a pretty awesome comic book which isn't over yet! I thought this issue was the grand finale but it looks like we've got one more with Grant Morrison at the helm.

At this point in the story, Grant has really tied in just about every story from every issue up until this point. I'd forgotten about the Corporate Superbranded Superman from Earth 5 until now. It's about ready to finish Superman when this thing ends. I guess it's all down to Mxyzptlk to even the odds somehow. But I'm sure it'll still be up to Superman to save the day. I hope he gets Vyndktvx to say Xvtkdnyv!

The Sholly Fisch back-up story is called "Future Tense" about the Legion of Super-heroes. I think every writer at some point has to call a story "Past Tense" or "Future Tense" or "Present Tense, Past Imperfect" or "Future Imperfect, Past Continuous" or "Past Perfect, Future Sucks." In the story, the Legion save a future president from an assassin. The assassin is from a planet of pre-cogs and he saw the horrible future that would happen if this man were elected. Legion saves the day and the president leaves and he transforms into his real self: Universo, Master of Hypnosis! But even though he makes the future crappy, he still doesn't manage to stop Cosmic Man, Lightning Man, and Saturn Woman from heading back to the future to help save Superman.

Action Comics #16 Rating: No change. It's nice to see how everything in Morrison's run has come together as Vyndktvx's plan to destroy Superman. He's a 5th Dimensional being so all Morrison really needed for him to succeed at his plan was one comic and a few narration boxes telling the reader how space/time has been manipulated to bring Superman to his knees. Instead Morrison weaves a single story out of seventeen issues all telling separate stories on their own but culminating in Superman's defeat. That's how the story of a villain with a master plan should be told. Excellent.

I have a feeling that Grant Morrison's Action Comics run is going to end with Superman pinned by the train in Issue #1 after everything gets set right. That would actually be a really nice place to begin Diggle's run if he's going to tell some Superman versus Lex Luthor stories.

Batwing #16

Fabian. Don't you dare come on to this title and make everybody turn on Batwing. Can't you simply let a hero be a hero?

This cover doesn't get my hopes up. This cover actually gets my hopes down. Batwing may have some problems with the corruption in Tinasha's police force. But can't David try to solve the problem without turning everyone against Batwing? Or maybe this is something else.

The issue begins with a young prostitute being murdered by the son of a wealthy industrialist. Corruption allows him to walk and he immediately kills again. Looks like it's time for David Zavimbe to get really fucking angry. So angry that Batwing begins kicking the asses of every corrupt cop in the department. And since David knows which cops are corrupt, Batwing should have a really easy time of it.

If you're a decently self-aware person, everything you read gets filtered in and around your own views and lifestyle. So when I read that David has to put up with this and he isn't instantly losing his cool, I should probably look at how quickly I want to shit all over Scott Lobdell whenever his pen merely touches a piece of paper. Should I get so angry over something that matters so little?

Well, of course! We all have our parts to play! My part is to make sure Scott Lobdell never feels very comfortable Googling his own name! Some day when he writes something wonderful, I'll applaud him, weeping and wailing and praising sweet bloody Jesus on the cross. But until that day, fuck him. He's just as dangerous as a fictional man that kills fictional prostitutes. Maybe even more so!

David is boring me. Let's see Batwing!

Hmm. No. Still bored.

Batwing confronts the murderer's father and claims the man can stare down Batman and serial killers. I notice he didn't include Amanda Waller! That bitch is icy! Somehow, the police arrive just moments after Batwing forces his way into the bar. I will say this: the Tinasha police department has the quickest response time I've ever seen. I guess when you know everybody you arrest is going to make you a shitload of cash when they bribe their way free, it's pretty good incentive to arrest as many people as quickly as you can. I'm pretty sure they've barged in on every fight scene in the entire sixteen issue run of Batwing so far. That's a much better record than the Gotham or Metropolis police.

Once the police arrive, Batwing flies through the roof of the club causing lots of damage. If this is the way Batwing is going to act, I'm all for the police going after him like on the cover. What gives him the fucking right to threaten people and then destroy property? If he's serious about justice being served and he's going to act recklessly and outside of the law anyway, just kidnap the boy, rape him, kill him, and throw him in a well.

Why did I add rape him? Oh! Because that's probably what he's been doing to these women.

And just like that Matu draws me right back into the story. Nothing like a character echoing exactly what I just said to make me start thinking the comic book is well written!

David answers, "I don't know." Now all Fabian Nicieza has to do is wow me with Batwing's solution to this problem while maintaining his own sense of ethics and I'll be pretty much okay with Nicieza taking over this book.

The scene continues and it's a really nice, strong scene. Fabian gets the real dilemma that David is in. Tinasha is not in America. Batwing cannot fight justice in the same way that Batman does although he now has to try, both because he represents Batman, Inc, and because of his own vow to himself to never kill again. Gotham and Tinasha have a lot of similarities though, especially with the corrupt police and people with money getting away with anything they want. While Matu suggests that killing this kid may be the only permanent way to get justice here in Tinasha, David is looking at the larger picture. This crime isn't about this one boy anymore. The system is fucked up and he needs a solution that'll fix it. Good luck, Batwing! Even Batman hasn't figured that one out yet.

The corrupt police finally resort to violence against the captain of the precinct at his home. They get the name of the witness against the murderer boy rapist scumbag and head to take out the little girl. Kia has been watching the Captain's place and lets David know what's happening. David gets to the girl's house before the corrupt police and tries to defend the house while he waits for Batwing's Batwing to arrive via remote control.

Is that right? Is Batwing's plane also called the Batwing? That's a bit weird.

That's the solution! Have Kia kill everyone!

Maybe Batwing doesn't have a plane since Batwing flies! Instead, the armor with a holographic projection of a person inside of it lands at the scene to scare everybody away. Although I imagine they'll just shoot at it instead of running. Since they don't run, the remote controlled armor tasers all three cops and puts them down. Then it flies back home with the robot satisfaction of a job well done.

Fuck! Who needs David? This armor can fight all the battles by itself! Actually, the remote control technology is apparently severely limited and the tasers were pretty much the only offense it was capable of. Now all that's left is for Kia and David to figure out what the fuck to do since they can't just shoot the cops.

Although now that the corrupt cops know David and Kia know, things at work are going to be a little tense around the water cooler.

By keeping the witness safe, the murdering kid ends up in jail without bail while awaiting trial because the justice system quickly gets the kid past the corrupt precinct and deeper into the system where the money can't save him.

Fucking David just bankrupted all of his co-workers.

The kid's dad, Phillip Marksbury, isn't too happy about his son winding up in jail. He puts out a hit on both David and Batwing. It looks like David isn't going to get much rest in the near future.

Batwing #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed the situation Batwing was placed in here. He's been trying to deal with the corrupt system nearly every issue so far, so it was only a matter of time until he couldn't look the other way anymore. It seems like every cop is corrupt except David and Kia but that could change as Batwing continues to fight the system. Kia used to accept the bribes herself because she knew if she didn't, it would garner distrust amongst her coworkers and make her less effective at her job. So there must be many more on the force in the same awkward position. Perhaps now that the bribe money has dried up, it'll be easier for the uncorrupted cops to help David and Batwing change the system. Or maybe they'll all just continue to spit in David's coffee and wipe their asses with his sandwiches before putting them back in the fridge.

Worlds' Finest #8

Apparently not that deadly. The so-called blast didn't even create a boob window.

Last issue, The Huntress and her newly found brother Damian were out looking for the thief that stole Bruce Wayne's money (the other thief. The Huntress is apparently off the hook). Power Girl is also running around investigating the theft on her own because she's feeling a little bit left out by the quick intimacy forming between Damian and Helena. She hasn't really said anything but she did have a kind of hurt look on her face when Damian and Helena held hands. And Maguire is pretty good at facial expressions you can read, so I think I'm pretty close to the mark on that.

The issue begins with The Huntress being hunted by some foreign-language speaking brown men while she's back in New York trying to get fat.

I'm not sure bows and crossbows are the best weapons to be using if you're a non-lethal super hero. But I guess being cocky enough to believe you'll never miss a shot is an essential part of the character.

People are fragile creatures. I guess comic books would be unreadable if the good guys had to worry about accidentally killing someone every time they hit the streets. Would Batman forgive himself if one of the thugs he beats on dies during the fight from a heart attack? Or would Batman place the blame on the thug for not knowing his own limits? Batman definitely breaks thugs bones at times. Would he feel the guilt if a thug died in surgery or from complications or from infections resulting in the broken bone? Or does Batman simply not deal in these shades of grey? As long as his Bat-Weapon didn't cause the damage, I suppose he's blameless.

Why the fuck am I talking about Batman? I suppose every now and then a story crops up about a super hero dealing with the guilt of accidentally getting somebody killed due to their own actions. But rarely is the death because the good guy beat the everfucking shit out of the bad guy. But I know why I'm talking about Batman. Because Batman's code is rigid and inflexible. He does not kill no matter what. So you'll never see a story where he accidentally killed somebody, right? Has that story been written? Not the story where it looks like Batman has killed somebody but you later find out that Batman wasn't to blame at all. That story would ruin Batman, wouldn't it? Batman would say, "We don't kill." And everyone would pipe up, "Oh yes, but that ONE time...!"

And what about all of the people that die in Gotham all of the time because Batman won't spend any extra money on his own insane asylum? Fuck Arkham! That place is built like a sieve! Bruce Wayne has the resources to create a place where the inmates can't escape. And I think he'd be capable of employing people who wouldn't be bribed every other week. He knows lots of super heroes that are probably down on their luck! What the hell is Azrael doing? Get him to run the place!

Batman does kill aliens though, doesn't he? Where does Batman draw the line on what he can kill? Someone should make a chart.

I should probably get back to The Huntress now. While fighting these bad guys, she falls unconscious from loss of blood due to being shot in the shoulder. But she knocked one out and chased the other away, so she's okay for the moment. But the police have arrived and the first thing they're going to do is tear her top off to look at her wounds. Her big pale wounds.

Speaking of Batman, here's not him! This is Batman twice removed. He's the Earth 2 Batman and he's just a hallucination.

Amazingly when the EMTs arrive, they simply remove her sleeve to look at the wound on her shoulder. They also leave her mask on out of respect for her crimefighitng secret identity. Perhaps in a world full of super heroes, emergency workers are trained not to sneak peeks under vigilante masks. One of the cops recognizes The Huntress as an internationally wanted criminal (or vigilante (or something)). But before he can question her or arrest her or force her to confess to something she didn't do, Power Girl arrives to steal The Huntress away to her Fortress of Solitude: Starr Island in Micronesia. Now that's the way to go. Fuck living in the Arctic or under the sea. Power Girl has her own tropical paradise.

So I'm supposed to be reading the mini-series that DC puts out that don't say "The New 52" on them? No way. Not another dime, DC!

Power Girl goes after this Ibn Hassan guy that I've never heard about because I began reading The New 52 four months too late which meant I never found The Huntress #1 on the shelves which meant I never read The Huntress mini-series. During her invasion of Kufra (Ibn Hassan's nation), she manages to insult Islam (a man shoots a rocket at her and says, "In the name of Allah the merciful..." and she says, "You really haven't got a prayer.") and call the Middle East "a sandy garbage pit."
Now I just sound like everybody on Tumblr looking for offense! She probably doesn't actually insult Islam in that first example although it could easily be taken that way. And she just calls Kufra a sandy garbage pit. I think that's okay because the place is probably as corrupt as Qurac. Maybe. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm just being touchy because I'm reading the final chapter of a story I didn't pay for but DC felt it was appropriate to end it here. So even purchasing all of The New 52 books, DC still finds a way to prove to me that I'm not in the know. I'm out of the loop. I'm not a big enough fan apparently! Well, they got that last one right. I would have done this project with Marvel had they done it in such an elegant and easy enough for dumb dumbs like me to follow kind of way. And, you know, first.

So Power Girl bullies this Hassad guy into dropping the bounty on The Huntress's head and then the last page finally gets out of The Huntress mini-series and back to the Worlds' Finest comic book I've been reading.

What was the Alfred of Earth 2 like? Did he go on to write novels? Hitchhike across the country? Engage in dozens of sordid love affairs? Without being Master Bruce's butler, what did he do with his life? That's an Earth 2 one shot story I'd like to see.

Worlds' Finest #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. I can't condone what's being done here. No wonder the cover leaves the antagonist so mysterious. Because it's just some jerk with money. Power Girl wades through his entire nation and bullies him into changing his ways. Did Power Girl just pull a Black Adam here? This was an abuse of her power, right? I have a feeling Power Girl doesn't really see this Earth as real since it isn't her home. So she figures she can do whatever she wants in it. They're just ants in an anthill to her. I have a feeling she's going to get The Talk from Superman any issue now.

Superman: "Look, you can't go around brow beating humans this way."
Power Girl: "Why not?"
Superman: "You just can't! It's not right! It's an abuse of power!"
Power Girl: "You did it. I heard what you did to Morgan Glenn Morganglen Glenmorganglen."
Superman: "That was different."
Power Girl: "Care to explain how?"
Superman: "Do as I say, not as I do!"
Power Girl: "That is such arrogant bullshit!"
Superman: "It is not! Parents say, 'Do as I say, not as I do,' because parents have to deal with the consequences of the things they do. So they can do it! But if a kid does it, the parent usually has to deal with the consequences and the kid just gets off consequence free. So the parent can choose not to rinse a dish if the parent knows he or she's going to have to wash it later. But if the kid doesn't rinse a dish, then the parent has to deal with it later and the kid never knows he was a big jerk. See?"
Power Girl: "Don't parents usually make the kids wash the dishes?"
Superman: "That's beside the point! The point is that if you don't listen to me, I'll punch your womb out through your anus!"
Power Girl: "Okay, okay! I get it! 'Do as I say, not as I do!' Sheesh."

New Guardians Annual #1

So I guess this annual is happening.

I didn't think January would have any Annuals since DC forgot to advertise them in December's comic books. Plus only two comic books came out the day after Christmas leaving the last week of Issue Fifteens to come out the first week of January. Which caused me to believe they were going to skip the whole "put out a bunch of Annuals in the months with five Wednesdays" thing they were doing.

As you can see, I was wrong. Since this doesn't have a Rise of the Third Army tag on it, I guess it's going to be a stand alone story. Or maybe this will be the issue Kyle learns how to love. It looks like he's doing a pretty good job on the cover since Indigo 1 told him earlier that you can't have love without rage! That's so true! Especially if you love me, you fucking cunt!

Oh and look! That asshat Keith Giffen is writing this comic book! Where the fuck has he been lately? Probably blowing Dan DiDio while shoving his thumb up Geoff Johns ass. God I love DC! BUT THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY!

The fucking Annual begins on Tolerance, a Transmetropolitan rip-off. Speaking of rip-offs, five fucking dollars for an annual! Now I have to waste my time reading an extra-length book when I could be wasting my time reading a normal length book. God. All I do is read comic books now! Stupid, goddamned fucking shitty-ass comic books! Don't get me wrong! I love it! I love every minute of it! BUT THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY!

Here are some guys. I think they're in that reality show from Blue Beetle #15. They're shooting some other fucking guy. Write your own damn joke.

Over on Yaru Prime, Arkillo and Saint Walker are hanging out checking in on the devastation left behind by The Third Army. Saint Walker and Arkillo have become the bestest of friends since you can't have fear without hope. That actually kind of makes sense, dammit! Fucking comic book can't even get it right when I'm trying to mock it! Stop making sense, you stupid Rainbow Lantern Corps that have never made sense ever except the one time I try to be sarcastic about them! Fuck you, goose tits!

People are constantly asking me what tattoo I would get if I were to get a tattoo. Now I know! I'd tattoo my penis with Saint Walker's face!

Meanwhile Kyle Rayner and Carol Ferris are completely lost. They've arrived on Zamaron in Space Sector 1654 but my notes say it's located in Space Sector 1416. Looking online, I see Space Sector 1416 is where it's supposed to be. What the fuck is wrong with you, Keith Giffen!? Are you placing it in Pre-Crises Reckoning since you've been around so fucking long? But you know what? That's not Giffen's job! He just writes the jokes and the dialogues and the wacky, crazy crap. Editor Joey Cavalieri and Assistant Editor Kate Stewart should have caught this one. Now my entire night is ruined! I need a fucking drink.

I think there's probably a joke in the fact that Kyle Rayner was allowed to land on Zamaron which is currently gender restricted. Fuck if I can make that funny though.

Hey! Let's take a commercial break since we still have a whole lot of Annual Goodness to get through! Maybe it'll give me a chance to catch my breath and down a couple of anti-depressants with my sake. Read this while I medicate.

OH MY GOD NO! NO! If I'm doing any good at all with these commentaries, y'all will know better than to buy this used piece of toilet paper! I cannot believe DC has the gall to sell this trade paperback! You know what they're doing here? YOU DO KNOW, RIGHT?! They're calling Superboy and Teen Titans fans SUCKERS! "We're DC and we can sell the Superboy Fandom anything! Hey look what I did? I gave Superboy a guest appearance in this public toilet bowl I just ruined with my massive bowel movement! I bet the Superboy fans will line up for a nice look at this mess!" Look at that list of A-List writers! Tom DeFalco! Scott Lobdell! Howard Mackie! Whoo boy! And notice the best quote they could find from Comic Book Resources? See that? Read it to yourself. How'd it sound in your own head? It comes off as SARCASTIC, doesn't it!? I can hear the disgust dripping from the Comic Book Resources hack that had to utter those words! Although it really is true! Brett Booth and Pete Woods carry this fucking book. If there's anything good to be had, it's definitely visual! Until you get to RB Silva's people that all look like the exact same guy (even the women) just wearing different wigs. Fuck. The UNMITIGATED gall of DC to collect these stories into one stinking volume! And don't mistake this rage for love, you fuck nuggets! OH MAN! If you misunderstand me now after all we've been through, I'll never type another word at you ever! This rage isn't a joke about rage and love being equal or the same thing or needing each other or whatever! THIS IS PURE HATRED!

And now back to our regularly scheduled annual!

All this time I thought he was going to fuck Carol to learn the ways of Love. But I guess this is the Star Sapphire version of Kilowog. Buckle up, Earth Man!

Arkillo and Saint Walker turn up because you can't have raging love without hopeful fear. This is beginning to get a bit too weird and rape fantasyey for me. I guess since Green Light all by itself is masturbation, you need the proper balance of light to the left and right of it to get a healthy, sexual relationship. Right now the union is a bit lopsided. Hope and Fear balance each other out but don't change the dynamic much. That's a relationship just beginning, hopeful and fearful at the same time. But because it's just started, it's still mostly jerking off in the sheets after a night of heavy petting gone to nowheresville. The next step of the relationship would be Compassion and Selfishness. You need to meet the needs of both you and your partner, careful not to swing too far to one side or the other. This is the really great wooing time. The chemistry hits a high point here as both sides are really getting what they need. And then a full fledged adult relationship when Love and Rage enter the picture! You only truly hate the one you love! Or something. I guess my philosophy of Lantern Light Masturbation Politics breaks down here. Or I just haven't given it enough thought. I guess this could be the part of the relationship where it's over and both parties know it but they keep at it, spiraling ever closer to the inevitable end of it all as they bitterly hate each other and then express their love and then hate the other one for doing that thing they do but then love them so much for doing that other thing and then fuck you, you asshole, wash a fucking dish once in awhile and then I'm so sorry, honey, you make me crazy and then your cat is a fucking vomiting mess and don't you talk about my cat that way and get out of my fucking house and thank you so much for making dinner, sweetie, and do you want to go for a walk and OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT A*G*A*I*N! Um. You know how that goes.

Sheesh. I look away for one second and they get up to some weird nonsense.

I don't know what these two asshats are talking about. Have you ever noticed that about Keith Giffen's writing? That prick fills every character with quick comebacks and witty zingers. And he's so Goddamned subtle that you have to reread his dialogue two or three times sometimes to get the gist of what the fucking characters are talking about. Of course the characters are following right along with each other! Not once does one of them stop and scratch their head and say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" That really should have been every fifth speech bubble in Giffen's early 2000 run of Suicide Squad.

Deadshot: "Did you catch a whiff of that tool box?"
Killer Frost: "Reminded me of pot roast served with heroin and hashish salt and pepper shakers."
Sgt. Frank Rock: "You shake that box often, Frost?"
Killer Frost: "You mean Deadshot's?"
Major Disaster: "What the fuck are you talking about?"

While Kyle trains with female Kilowog, Carol, Arkillo, and Saint Walker head out on a mission to piss off Lady Styx and the Tenebrian Dominion. Why it needs to be done has been very hush hush so far. Or else they explained it in one of the quick back and forths between Carol and the head Zamaron. Fucking Giffen! Oh wait. This new guy will explain it all! I think. Fucking Giffen!

Yes! An Amish Green Lantern! I don't think he should be wearing jewelry, right?

This Amish Green Lantern hangs out with a bunch of no good losers called the Star Rovers. Since Keith Giffen is writing this comic book and he's going to be at the helm of Threshold, I'm fairly certain these guys will be recurring cast members. I bet they're all just so zany you can't even believe it! And they probably riff off of each other super quick!

These Star Rovers have been assigned to smuggle the Lanterns and Sapphire into the Tenebrian Dominion so that they can speak with Lady Styx into battling the Third Army with the Lantern Corps. She might not agree at first but once all of her people begin turning into Borg Lanterns, she'll start fighting with the Lanterns whether she wants to or not. I guess the real fucking trick is getting her to fight with them before they're all dead. Or assimilated.

The Rovers manage to get Carol Ferris inside and then decide to make a little cash off of her by handing her over to the Hunted Reality Show's talent scouts. I think that was what it was called. Hunted. I guess they're mercenaries who always keep their word but will twist that word to their benefit whenever they get the chance. After dumping her off, they head out to bring Arkillo and Saint Walker as well.

But that doesn't work out so well for them. Serves them right. I'm sick of DC Mercenaries and Bounty Hunters that "always keep their word" or "always deliver." How about a Bounty Hunter that has been known to catch some of the biggest scores in the Universe but sometimes really, really, really fucks up the job. Take your chances, you know?

Later, Carol Ferris ends up on The Hunted and I have to read about people watching television! Now I want to watch television! Reading is annoying! Why doesn't someone just talk it all right in my ear? Boy, I love television! But I hate that it sucks my life force away! But man I can't get enough of it! And then I lie in the dark weeping about the things I could have been doing. But television is so much easier than doing those things! And probably more entertaining. Life is boring. You know when people say, "You couldn't write something like that?" Those people are idiots. Of course you can! Shut up and go read a fucking book!

Carol Ferris gets one rotation of the planet free from being hunted. It's like the scariest game of hide and seek you'll ever play! Unless you play Hitori Kakurenbo! Before The Hunting begins, Lady Styx comes out of the shadows to speak with Carol.

Goddammit! It's one in the morning and I'm tucked away in my tiny office in a dark house and I just had to reread that fucking Hitori Kakurenbo shit! Japan, why do you always know exactly how to scare the fucking pants off of me?

Lady Styx leaves and Jediah, Arkillo, and Walker show up to save her. They're getting ready to hitch a lift from some mouthy twat named Rokko when Walker uses his ring and alerts everybody on the fucking planet to his presence. That's because there's this thing called Smart Dust all over the world that detects Lantern Light. It probably also detects Blue Beetle farts but they already caught him. I wonder if his The Hunted show has already aired or if it was preempted by Star Sapphire's show?

Good news! Everybody escapes except Jediah! Arkillo knocks him cold and shoves him out of the ship because he's an asshole. The he is ambiguous for a reason.

Even though Jediah is captured and going to end up on The Hunted going against the Crimson Thrust (probably in Threshold #1), Rokko's ship and everyone in it manage to escape into nonexistent space.

There are only 3600 Space Sectors. Unless those sectors have a limit at the inside edge of a sphere and then sectors begin past that in concentric spheres or something, Sector 9008 doesn't exist.

Thankfully this non-existent sector is right next door to Zamaron's sector (you know? 1416! Unless it was 1654?). Everyone heads to Zamaron to see how Kyle is doing with his love training. Except for, you know, Jediah. He's kind of tied up! HAR HAR! Did I win the prize for the one millionth time that joke has been told?

Wait a second! I was just tricked into reading the prologue to Threshold?! Fuck you, DC! How dare you!

Green Lantern New Guardians Annual #1 Rating: I don't rate these fucking things, remember?!

Red Lanterns #15

She's probably back looking for Blue Beetle's boner.

Last issue, Peter Milligan wrote a panel that reminded me I have a serious essay to write about Shade the Changing Man #1-50.

This is relevant to Shade's interests.

This is a major theme running through the first fifty issues of Shade the Changing Man (you know, also written by Peter Milligan): You can't go home again. He explores it from many different angles and finally wraps it up in the most literal way possible: Shade destroys Meta, his home. That's about as much of it as I want to go into here. At some point when I want to revisit those issues of Shade again, I'll really get my teeth into it. Until then, I have Red Lanterns and, hopefully, Dex-Starr to read!

Apparently the vision Atrocitus was seeing on Ryut was some kind of alien parasite that feeds off the dreams and visions of the dead. Maybe. There may have been a reference to this creature in a previous issue but I guess it doesn't matter. What does matter is Atrocitus kills it and uses its blood for a Blood Ritual to resurrect the long dead Manhunters.

Of course he re-kills a few for good measure!

Meanwhile on Earth, Rankorr decides to visit his brother instead of heading off to kill the man, Baxter, that was responsible for his grandfather's death. Now I thought Rankorr's brother had been beaten to death by the cops in an earlier issue. But maybe he was just beaten senseless. Sometimes it's hard to tell in a comic book if someone that gets his ass kicked is dead or alive. The only sure ways to tell are if they're stuffed into a refrigerator, if they're shot in the head and the head of DC hates their fucking guts for no apparent reason, or have The Atom's ex-wife tap dance on your brain.

Rankorr's visit gets him a little bit worked up so that he might now be ready for vengeance.

I wonder if Rankorr will continue to be the only Red Lantern to make constructs? Probably because, in comic books, Humans are always so Goddamned special!

Meanwhile Dex-Starr heads over to Sector 990 where the guards of a penal colony space station wear suits that have chin spikes. He massacres a bunch of people thinking he's getting vengeance on Midnigter. Hopefully he'll realize none of these guys are the man he's searching for. But in the meantime, he kills a bunch of people to help restore the Red Power Battery.

But even this blood and the blood that Zilius Zox and Skallox bring it do nothing to help. Ratchet notices that something is draining the power and causing a planet wide anemia in the Battery and the Corps. What he doesn't know is the problem is an old enemy of Atrocitus's.

These guys have something to do with the creation of Atrocitus. It's all in the Zero Issue, I think.

So the Red Lanterns might have the jump on the Borg Lanterns (who never even appear in this issue) but the entire Corps is still too weak to do much about it. And Atrocitus's plan to raise the squadron of Manhunters that he was keeping in storage just for this kind of occasion have different ideas about what they're going to do with their lives.

They want to rock!

Red Lanterns #15 Rating: No change. As a Red Lanterns comic, this was a fairly average issue and a bit short. As a Rise of the Third Army crossover event, it sucked Zilius Zox. I just realized Zilius Zox and Skallox both have "ox" in their names. I'm so fucking observant!

Batman Incorporated #6

I think this is some kind of metaphor or something. But I just want them to kiss!

At the end of the last issue, a bunch of The Outsiders that we haven't even had time to get reacquainted with were blown up in a blow up! I don't even know if they were really them or not them! Looker was there but isn't Looker a vampire model now? And Halo was in a coma the last time I saw her! Yeah, yeah, it's been awhile. But maybe those weren't even the real Outsiders since Batman Incorporated has had hardly any page time in Batman Incorporated! This comic should be called Daddy Issues Starring Batman and Robin Featuring Alfred Pennyworth with Guest Appearances by Batman Incorporated.

Oh Batman. You don't eat brunch at home!

So I found myself wondering whatever happened to Bruce Wayne standing in the cemetery telling Alfred that Batman and Batman, Incorporated are through. And then the police arrive to arrest Bruce Wayne. That happened way back in Issue One and immediately after that the comic began "One Month Previously." So it's been six issues and one month has yet to pass in Batman, Incorporated? That's really going to screw up my sense of the timeline!

I was asking my friend Doom Bunny if he remembered that scene with Batman being arrested (I thought it was Batman and not Bruce Wayne when I asked him) and we had this conversation:

Doom Bunny: "Who the hell can arrest Batman?"
Me: "Commissioner Gordon. And sometimes Detective Bullock."
Me: "Of course, they need Batman's permission."

So Batman is rushing to the scene of Batman, Incorporated's exploded body parts. Commissioner Gordon is smoking and confused. Detective Bullock is drinking coffee and inappropriately happy (man that fucker likes his job at its worst!). Batman is grim and effusive. Just another night in Gotham!

Except this night is somehow different! This night Batman is going to have an argument with his Baby Mama.

My cousin Jerry has a particular dislike for the term "Baby Daddy" and "Baby Mama." I think they're nearly essential terms that sum up a relationship far better than the paragraph it would take to otherwise explain "the other parent of my child that I'm not married to and most likely was never in anything but a casual relationship anyway." He likened it to my dislike of someone using "loose" when they meant "lose." How are those two things in any way alike? One is incorrect. The other is efficient use of slang! Man, he's really become a bourgeois jerk!

See? Batman is bourgeoisie and he prefers the term "mother of my son."

Batman tells Talia that he's arrived alone but he must have a different definition of alone than I do since he's surrounded by a dozen Bat Sentinels. I guess they're just robots but I think that's a bit insensitive of Batman to think of them as not existing. This is just the kind of situation that will cause one of them to cry, short circuit, and become a lifelong nemesis.

Talia begins telling Batman the parable of the Goat Herder and Enlightenment which I don't know even if it's usually the Ox Herder and Enlightenment. After all the fighting and game playing, Batman finally just wants it all to be over so his city will be safe. He even seems willing to give Robin back which seems like a dick move. It seems like such a dick move that it can't be real. I'm pretty sure what he wants to do is speak with Talia face to face so he can punch her in the nose and be done with this whole mess.

Hurry up, Batman! Halo was my first ever comic book crush! You have to save her! Also, um, Batwing: Watch your fucking hands there, big guy!

Meanwhile back at the Batcave, all of the various Robins and ex-Robins are being babysat by Alfred since Batman, once again, told them to stay put while he does the dangerous work. Remember the days when Batman would carelessly drag Robin into the most dangerous situations? Hmm, I guess DC's fanbase killed those days with their big telephone campaign to fix that jerk Jason Todd!

Gosh, Jason! You insensitive jerk! Not in front of Batcow!

I wonder if Grant Morrison falls asleep every night thinking, "Fuck me. I'm such a genius." You can also tell how intelligent I must be to equate genius with a comic book writer creating Batcow. But wait! There's more! You don't simply get one Batcow in this title! What about Titus, the Batdog! We'll throw him in for free (just pay separate shipping and handling charges). Holy shit! Have we gone insane?! Where else can you get a deal like this? A bat comic with two fucking animal mascots? Batcow and Batdog! Well hold on to your fucking crotch rockets people (rocket not meant to symbolize the phallus but all sexual organs equally) because we're not done!

That's right! You also get this lovable kitten! (Talia's propensity for gassing animals is her own view and not one which we endorse).

Batman's vision of the end of Gotham is slowly coming true!

The fucking batcave must smell horrible.

While Batman hunts down Talia, they have a little conversation. This same conversation is being broadcast into the Batcave so that Damian can hear. Talia tells Batman about the citizens of Gotham that Leviathan has placed under mind control. And then Talia finally gets to the point of all of this and why she needs Damian to hear it.

Like Batman can ever be forced to choose just one!

Batman will probably save Gotham and let Robin save himself and hope Robin understands. These two have seriously learned to trust each other and I don't think any mind games by Talia will stop either of them from doing their duty to save Gotham. Over in The Dark Knight, Batman trusted Damian to kill him to save Gotham. They understand each other and their responsibility to the city over their emotional obligation to people they love. None of the other Batfamily has the ability to completely let go of their emotions to simply do what is right and what is needed. That's why Damian can be the next Batman and Batman knows it.

Near the top of the building, Batman encounters a giant of a man wearing a mask with a red visor. He kills the hostages and then moves on to attack the already wounded Batman Incorporated. He snaps Knight's neck just after Knight gets Squire's heart beating again. Batwing is taken out by the beast using Knight's body as a weapon. And then Batman arrives to help Squire fight this monster.

Forget the rest of this fight! Look there! I think Halo is lifting her head! I think she's going to be okay!

Jason Todd declares that they'll go rescue Batman but Damian tells them it's up to him to save his father. I think Alfred will probably let him go this time. But will they have enough time to save Batman? What's the formula for acceleration due to gravity?

The comic ends with Batman being thrown out of this window and the police below being overrun by some homeless guy with an axe and an army of rough and tumble boy scouts.

These "scouts" would probably know it's 16 feet per second per second. Or something.

Batman Incorporated #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic just keeps getting better. And I only say that because they introduced a cat to the Bat-Animal Family.

Justice League Dark #15

John dropping his cigarettes because he's the only one noticing that they're fucked is a nice touch.

Nine days into the new year and nothing has changed even though some miraculous change is supposed to happen, right? Am I supposed to be the architect of that change? I'm not a fucking Green Lantern yet so I must not have the willpower to commit to anything new. Actually, I'm supposed to work on and finish another project this year.

In 2011, I buckled down and finished the second chapter of my online comic, Dwarf Lover. I was pretty happy with myself that I declared I would finish it that year and wound up posting the last section the first week of December. Even though by the end of 2011 I owned my own business, finishing Chapter Two of Dwarf Lover was my most proud moment of that year.

In 2012, I began this comic book commentary project. As you can see, it's ongoing. But somehow I've got to make room for a new project for 2013 which means the comic book commentary is going to have to take a hit somewhere. I thought about dropping the worst ranked comic book at the end of each month but I just can't bring myself to drop any titles yet. I'll probably just end up doing shorter reviews on the more mediocre titles that don't give me a lot to talk about. I usually waste time trying to figure out how to make the commentary interesting with those. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I just waste time. I'll figure something out.

As for a project that needs to be finished, I have a number of choices. The easiest one would be finishing my Bible Study on Genesis. The Biblical Book is only about fifty pages but I have about 300 pages of commentary (and, um, jokes) already. Since that project is so easily finished, I think I need to add something to it: publishing it as an e-book. Anyway, once that's done I'll just move on to Exodus, so that project is also very ongoing. Can something be very ongoing?

Dwarf Lover Chapter Three is a possibility too. Usually I write and Photoshop at the same time, publishing each section as I go. But I think I'm going to write the entire Chapter this next time simply because I don't quite have the urge to do all of the Photoshopping that the web comic entails. Photoshopping that web comic will definitely eat into The New 52 Project.

I can also finish the final rewrite of Places and Predators, my tabletop RPG that is a mix of Dungeons and Dragons and The Game of Life. I think I have about 500 pages of source material on that, most of it jokes!

And of course there's always the novel that never gets written. But that's too serious. I don't think I'm ready for that kind of serious commitment to writing. Although the novel is mostly jokes as well! With all these jokes, you'd think I'd say something funny once in a while.

Also, for a comic book commentary, this thing sure is short on comic book! Anyway, I put all those choices out there so that anybody reading this can throw a vote my way. And since hardly anyone comments on here, realize that one person can decide my destiny! Write-in projects are also welcome!

Two issues ago, Zatanna and Timothy Hunter were disappeared by The Books of Magic. Turns out they've ended up in some place called The Wild Area in some place that hates magicians. This place is all "Science Rules!" and "Go Physics!" and "San Dimas High School Football Rules!" The people of this place hate Arthur C. Clarke's Third Law: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." "*SNORT*," they snort when confronted with this saying. "We're so advanced that we say, 'Any magic is indistinguishable from a dog's fart.' Although we have the advanced technology to differentiate the two so we haven't hung a dog as a witch for like seven years or something."

What I'm trying to say is Zatanna and Timothy Hunter are in big trouble. Although they don't know it yet which is why Zatanna keeps laying on the dog farts.

That giant Zatanna banished is a huge Luddite that probably brought Hunter to this world to punish the Techno-Assholes.

Back in Nanda Parbat, Dr. Peril has finally come up with some useful suggestions that weren't "Let's take a year out of our lives to study these books!" He's discovered the books only react to a very specific key: Timothy Hunter's DNA. So how did they teleport Hunter and Zatanna two issues ago? I didn't see Tim jerk off on them?

"Yes, Tim's dad? I need you to get in this flying house with me, head to the mystical city Nanda Parbat in the Himilayas, and jerk off on these robot books. No, no. It won't cost you anything."

Back in the Wild Area, Zatanna battles with a Science Police Officer which earns her a death penalty. In the course of the battle, Timothy and Zatanna are pulled underground and away from the fight by Wood Nymphs. Could this be the Land of Faerie, twisted and infiltrated by a technological race? That would be pretty cool. Maybe Nuala will guest star!

Well shit. I guess that answers that!

Back on Earth Zero (Right? It must be Earth Zero since stories on Earth One only take place in prestige format extra-length deluxe comic books), Justice League Dark use Tim's father to open a portal to Faerie. They zip on through but on the other end, they have a few problems. Deadman is corporeal. Madame Xanadu is old. And Black Orchid is, well, a purple Swamp Thing?

I'm sure this has something to do with glamours not working between worlds. So Madame Xanadu's age shows. And Orchid's real shape shows. And Boston Brand, well, I'm not sure why he's alive!

Turns out Constantine can't lie so he admits to being scared and having warm fuzzy feelings for the rest of Justice League Dark. But he doesn't get to admit much more than that because Boston Brand is tap dancing all over the place and being super happy to have rejoined the living.

Although that feeling doesn't last long.

The Techno-Asshole Vikar, pissed that Hunter and Zatanna got away, decides to blast the shit out of Deadman. Deadman didn't even use any magic! They simply teleported into Faerie but that only carried a punishment of six years solitary confinement, not death! I have a feeling somebody is going to be put on paid leave until a hearing can be held to see if he was overzealous in his use of force. Of course the hearing will find he was justified in using deadly force because you can never tell when a guy dancing around in the grass happy to be alive is about to pull a spell and abracadabra you.

Justice League Dark #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. That was a really nice surprise to find that they've been transported to Faerie because Hunter is needed to save the magical land from fascist techno-jerks who have somehow taken over. This comic book was so much fun and so well done that I'm actually beginning to feel excitement for Green Arrow when Lemire begins writing it!