Justice League Dark #15

John dropping his cigarettes because he's the only one noticing that they're fucked is a nice touch.

Nine days into the new year and nothing has changed even though some miraculous change is supposed to happen, right? Am I supposed to be the architect of that change? I'm not a fucking Green Lantern yet so I must not have the willpower to commit to anything new. Actually, I'm supposed to work on and finish another project this year.

In 2011, I buckled down and finished the second chapter of my online comic, Dwarf Lover. I was pretty happy with myself that I declared I would finish it that year and wound up posting the last section the first week of December. Even though by the end of 2011 I owned my own business, finishing Chapter Two of Dwarf Lover was my most proud moment of that year.

In 2012, I began this comic book commentary project. As you can see, it's ongoing. But somehow I've got to make room for a new project for 2013 which means the comic book commentary is going to have to take a hit somewhere. I thought about dropping the worst ranked comic book at the end of each month but I just can't bring myself to drop any titles yet. I'll probably just end up doing shorter reviews on the more mediocre titles that don't give me a lot to talk about. I usually waste time trying to figure out how to make the commentary interesting with those. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I just waste time. I'll figure something out.

As for a project that needs to be finished, I have a number of choices. The easiest one would be finishing my Bible Study on Genesis. The Biblical Book is only about fifty pages but I have about 300 pages of commentary (and, um, jokes) already. Since that project is so easily finished, I think I need to add something to it: publishing it as an e-book. Anyway, once that's done I'll just move on to Exodus, so that project is also very ongoing. Can something be very ongoing?

Dwarf Lover Chapter Three is a possibility too. Usually I write and Photoshop at the same time, publishing each section as I go. But I think I'm going to write the entire Chapter this next time simply because I don't quite have the urge to do all of the Photoshopping that the web comic entails. Photoshopping that web comic will definitely eat into The New 52 Project.

I can also finish the final rewrite of Places and Predators, my tabletop RPG that is a mix of Dungeons and Dragons and The Game of Life. I think I have about 500 pages of source material on that, most of it jokes!

And of course there's always the novel that never gets written. But that's too serious. I don't think I'm ready for that kind of serious commitment to writing. Although the novel is mostly jokes as well! With all these jokes, you'd think I'd say something funny once in a while.

Also, for a comic book commentary, this thing sure is short on comic book! Anyway, I put all those choices out there so that anybody reading this can throw a vote my way. And since hardly anyone comments on here, realize that one person can decide my destiny! Write-in projects are also welcome!

Two issues ago, Zatanna and Timothy Hunter were disappeared by The Books of Magic. Turns out they've ended up in some place called The Wild Area in some place that hates magicians. This place is all "Science Rules!" and "Go Physics!" and "San Dimas High School Football Rules!" The people of this place hate Arthur C. Clarke's Third Law: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." "*SNORT*," they snort when confronted with this saying. "We're so advanced that we say, 'Any magic is indistinguishable from a dog's fart.' Although we have the advanced technology to differentiate the two so we haven't hung a dog as a witch for like seven years or something."

What I'm trying to say is Zatanna and Timothy Hunter are in big trouble. Although they don't know it yet which is why Zatanna keeps laying on the dog farts.

That giant Zatanna banished is a huge Luddite that probably brought Hunter to this world to punish the Techno-Assholes.

Back in Nanda Parbat, Dr. Peril has finally come up with some useful suggestions that weren't "Let's take a year out of our lives to study these books!" He's discovered the books only react to a very specific key: Timothy Hunter's DNA. So how did they teleport Hunter and Zatanna two issues ago? I didn't see Tim jerk off on them?

"Yes, Tim's dad? I need you to get in this flying house with me, head to the mystical city Nanda Parbat in the Himilayas, and jerk off on these robot books. No, no. It won't cost you anything."

Back in the Wild Area, Zatanna battles with a Science Police Officer which earns her a death penalty. In the course of the battle, Timothy and Zatanna are pulled underground and away from the fight by Wood Nymphs. Could this be the Land of Faerie, twisted and infiltrated by a technological race? That would be pretty cool. Maybe Nuala will guest star!

Well shit. I guess that answers that!

Back on Earth Zero (Right? It must be Earth Zero since stories on Earth One only take place in prestige format extra-length deluxe comic books), Justice League Dark use Tim's father to open a portal to Faerie. They zip on through but on the other end, they have a few problems. Deadman is corporeal. Madame Xanadu is old. And Black Orchid is, well, a purple Swamp Thing?

I'm sure this has something to do with glamours not working between worlds. So Madame Xanadu's age shows. And Orchid's real shape shows. And Boston Brand, well, I'm not sure why he's alive!

Turns out Constantine can't lie so he admits to being scared and having warm fuzzy feelings for the rest of Justice League Dark. But he doesn't get to admit much more than that because Boston Brand is tap dancing all over the place and being super happy to have rejoined the living.

Although that feeling doesn't last long.

The Techno-Asshole Vikar, pissed that Hunter and Zatanna got away, decides to blast the shit out of Deadman. Deadman didn't even use any magic! They simply teleported into Faerie but that only carried a punishment of six years solitary confinement, not death! I have a feeling somebody is going to be put on paid leave until a hearing can be held to see if he was overzealous in his use of force. Of course the hearing will find he was justified in using deadly force because you can never tell when a guy dancing around in the grass happy to be alive is about to pull a spell and abracadabra you.

Justice League Dark #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. That was a really nice surprise to find that they've been transported to Faerie because Hunter is needed to save the magical land from fascist techno-jerks who have somehow taken over. This comic book was so much fun and so well done that I'm actually beginning to feel excitement for Green Arrow when Lemire begins writing it!

Justice League Dark Annual #1

Guest starring: Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld & Frankenstein, Princess of Monsters.

This issue begins where Issue #13 left off: The House of Mystery has crash landed in the SaHarA DesErt, leaving its occupants stranded, helpless, and dead exhausted. The sun, hot and deeply enervating, shines hard against desperate enchanters. Some shade heroically helps all and daringly delays everyone's extinction.

Literally.

Somehow, a dreaded experiment named Frankenstein has ended up at the site of the House of Mystery's wreck. He really should be tending to his own title! This is why it was cancelled, Frank! You're spending too much time in other people's comic books.

Meanwhile, Nick Necro blabs his entire life's story to Zatanna. He found the map to the Books of Magic on the giant bones of Mordru (oh, poor, poor Mordru! But why are his bones so big?). He glimpses a vision of the Key to the Map. He also learns that nobody can utilize the Books of Magic unless Tim Hunter is dead. Nick Necro also takes credit for getting Steve Trevor to form Justice League Dark. He's starting to sound like one of those villains I can't stand! Not that I liked him much anyway. He's a total douchebag. Every time he speaks, my interest in this story wanes a little more.
But even John's group isn't very exciting. The House of Mystery repairs itself and there's really no reason for Frankenstein to appear. John does recruit him to their side so that he'll help in the final battle for the Books of Magic but he doesn't save them at all which means I used "literally" wrong earlier.

Madame Xanadu shows up with a useless Tim Hunter but Constantine believes a little gem he picked up somewhere will help reignite Tim's magic power.

Oh, don't fuck with her comic book too!

On the next page is an editor's note saying, "To see how Constantine found Amethyst's gemstone, check out Sword of Sorcery #0. Now on sale!" No. Don't bother checking out Sword of Sorcery #1 to see how he found it because you'll be sorely disappointed if that's the only reason you're picking it up. He finds it by merely passing by after Amethyst uses it to transport to Gemworld. I don't know why he's there. I don't actually know where the portal was located. But John just happened to be hiking nearby and found it. End of story.

Apparently Amethyst is some kind of magic catalyst. She touches Tim Hunter and he explodes. In a suddenly full of magic way! Constantine also doesn't feel like they have enough cameos in this Annual to get the random readers excited about the other books in The New 52, so he summons Andrew Bennett back to the House of Mystery. This takes place before Bennett turns evil at least.

Too bad Frankenstein's been cancelled. What a waste of a cameo!

Faust's army is defeated in a few pages and the good guys are ready to put their plan into action. They head off to face Nick Necro and get the Books of Magic. My guess is the plan will be the same plan as always: Black Orchid uses her powers of disguise. This time, she'll pretend to be Tim Hunter while Tim will probably be faked up to look like Constantine. Or someone else. Maybe he'll just be hiding within John's trench coat.

Nick Necro and Felix Faust uncover the Books of Magic just as Constantine's crew happens upon them. Nick knows he can't recover the books as long as Tim Hunter is alive.

Xanadu and Black Orchid are missing. So Xanadu is babysitting Tim while Orchid pretends to be him. Unless Orchid is disguised as Deadman and Deadman has been magically enchanted to look like Tim. That's what I'd do!

Nick Necro's final plan is to have John kill Timothy Hunter. If John does it, Nick will let Zatanna go. He'll also possess the books and have enough power to kill everyone anyway. So I don't see John actually going through with it. Besides, Timothy isn't really Timothy. Right?

John snaps his neck and Nick goes after the Books. But they blast him back because, well, you know.

I hope Lemire just uses this trick every single issue for 100 issues.

After subduing Nick Necro easily this time (even though nothing has changed and he still has the same powers he had when he defeated them before), Tim Hunter decides to open one of the Books of Magic. Turns out it's not a book at all. It's some kind of futuristic gizmo that's been waiting a long time for Hunter to return. It opens up a portal and zaps him away. Along with Zatanna since she dove and grabbed on to him before he disappeared. And then the issue ends with everybody looking on shocked and confused.

Justice League Dark Annual #1 Rating: Anti-climactic. It could be because Nick Necro really wasn't very interesting or it could be that the story just devolved into a bunch of magic guys fighting a bit and chasing a bit and talking alot, but I kind of lost interest in the whole thing about halfway through Issue #13. Maybe I just read too many comic books today. Or didn't have enough caffeine. I hope Nick Necro gets thrown in Magic Prison and is retired from future story lines.