Legion of Super-heroes #23

I'm already forgetting all of their names! Yay! More open memory!

It's time to say a fond farewell to the Legion of Super-heroes! So long, guys! It was nice knowing you! Don't let the door hit Uranus on the way out!

That was a space joke! I'm really good at space jokes!

What did the American astronaut say to the Russian astronaut?
Speak English, motherfucker!

I just made that up! I bet I can make up some time travel jokes too!

How many time travelers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why? The light bulb doesn't need changing!

Maybe I should get serious seeing that Brainiac is looking a little bit depressed. Maybe I should take a personal moment to say goodbye to each Legionnaire.

Polar Bear, as the least of the Legionnaires, I hardly knew you. Now, I'd never say this in front of other people so as not to be as insensitive as that fucking cunt Dorothy Gale, but I'll miss you the most. You have the ability to drop temperatures to Absolute Zero like nothing else in the universe. Literally! You'll probably be useless now without Sun Boy because I'm pretty sure both of your powers break some Law of Thermodynamics unless you somehow steal energy from each other. Maybe you can get a job making ice cubes for some Space Truck Stop somewhere. Hey, if you see Invisible Kid around (ha ha! Get it?!), tell him I thought he was pretty cool even though he was French.

Dreamy Girl, you were the most inadvertently sexy of all the Legionnaires. Even when you're doing a Naltorian Farewell, you make my dick hard. Look at you! Why are you kissing your middle finger like that?! I suppose I'm going to feel bad thinking of you as Wet Dream Girl from here on out because your man was killed in The Fatal Five's attack. But let's face it: it was his own stupid fault. He had the power of density and he couldn't make the rubble that fell on him less dense? Or made his head more dense? That's just poor training on his part. I'm also not sure just how useful you were to the team, what with not knowing if you had a premonition or a dream. And also how you'd have to take a nap to be of any use. But you added to the cheesecake and what's more important to the comic book fandom than cheesecake?

Sensor Girl, I just met you last issue and judging by your costume, I'm really sorry you weren't around more. But why would you be? What the fuck is your super power? "Manipulate Sensory Information?" Can anybody really trust you? Does your cleavage really look like that or are you fucking with my sight? Can I touch them to see if they're real? Oh wait. That wouldn't tell me anything because touch is sensory information as well! You might not even be humanoid! You know what? I don't trust you even though you look fucking fantastic and I'm ruining my chances of sleeping with you by not trusting you. But holy fuck I can just imagine being fucked by you! Manipulate my sensory information already!

Wow! I'm off to a good start treating all the females like sex objects! But what do you expect? I'm in a stable, loving, sexually fulfilling relationship. When I see an attractive female, I don't think, "I sure would like to get to know her and see what she's like and where life takes us!" I don't think, "I wonder if we'd have intellectually stimulating conversations over coffee and pancakes!" I think, "My penis is intrigued!" Monogamists of both sexes are the greatest perpetrators of sexual objectification there are! They're happy and fulfilled in their relationship but they're still going to be sexually attracted to other people. They just aren't going to act on it which means they don't give a shit about getting to know a person who turns them on so they just see a body that they think might be a fun night to romp around on. Thinking sexy thoughts is not wrong! Especially when Paul Levitz never gave me a chance to think sexy thoughts while pretending I actually like Sensor Girl's personality!

Although I love everything about Emerald Empress! She's my dream girl! Don't tell Vampire Tig!

Colossal Boy! Have we met? There are just so many Boys, Girls, Lads, and Lasses, how am I supposed to keep you all straight? I don't remember making any giant dick jokes during this series, so I have a feeling if you appeared anywhere, it was only for the briefest of moments. You must be the most useless Legionnaire when battling aboard a space ship. Although when you need a good prank, you're the guy I'd call! I wonder how many Legionnaires have walked out of their apartments in the morning to see a gigantic shit on their space ship? I have to ask: can you also shrink? Because if you can grow and then shrink back down to normal, how do your powers know when to stop the shrinking? Or is it just like getting an erection? You sort of puff up and then when you release your power, you shrink back down to normal. Although now I get the feeling you shrivel up in the cold.

Oh Ultra Boy! Your power is such a gimmick! How sad to have powers equal to a Daxamite but the ability to just use one at a time! Did you know the other Legionnaires call you "One Hit Wonder" behind their backs? No? Well, maybe it's just me. But I bet at least one of them does! Weren't you having sex with Tinya Wazoo? Do you ever think of her name and just laugh while you're going at it? I bet she laughs thinking about how "having an erection" makes you lose the ability to do anything else! I'll probably miss you least of all because I really got sick of how you had to shout, "Have to time this just right!" every time you switched powers. Go douse yourself in radiation so maybe you can get a new power that you can use with one of your other powers. You're the worst.

Brainiac Five. The Fifth Brainiac in the series. "I'm sorry. The User Name 'Brainiac' is already chosen. Might I suggest 'Brainiac Five'?" Have you fixed that Flashpoint Paradox yet? For somebody with 12th Level Super-Intelligence, you haven't actually gotten much done in this series. I do understand why you're usually so standoffish though. It's so hard for people like us to communicate with people with lower than Level 7 Normal Intelligence. And you've got Super Intelligence! And I bet the scale is exponential. Or logarithmic. Or something. Okay, so I don't have super intelligence! But I think I might be Level 12 Below Average Intelligence! So at least we can bond on the not being able to get along with others because their intelligences are so vastly different than our own! Right?! Oh, I have to go! IT'S YOGUHT TIME!

Duplicate Damsel, you are the most intriguing of them all! I would like a series completely about you and your duplicates. How does it work? Do you manifest the same personalities each time you split? Do they all have names and individual egos? And if so, what happens when you incorporate them all back into your being? If Duplicate Damsel #9 loves Bouncing Boy, do you also love Bouncing Boy when she merges with you? And do you lose your love of Bouncing Boy when she manifests? If that's the case, who the fuck are you, Duplicate Damsel Prime? What makes you you? Are you simply a cypher and the other ones are the individual and real beings? Their feelings make up your feelings only when they merge? Or do you suppress their personalities and retain only your own thoughts and feelings? If that's the case, isn't it like imprisoning them when they merge? Jesus Christ. So many ethical and philosophical questions surrounding you! You need your own fucking title!

Bouncing Boy, you are proof that the Legion will allow anybody into their ranks. What was the recruiter thinking? "You know what? We don't have enough members with overly comical powers! Let's recruit that kid that puffs up like a marshmallow and then sproings off of the walls like a drunken high bouncer." I know this next statement is going to make me sound shallow and judgmental but Duplicate Damsel's Duplicate that is in love with you must have some chromosomal damage. I suppose she could just have some sexual kinks. Who wouldn't want a go at a guy that can inflate and bounce around the room before penetration? Can you inflate your individual body parts? Because that would probably feel pretty amazing. Also, why would you come bouncing crazily into the room? Walk like a normal person, douchebag. There's already enough damage around headquarters as it is! Holy fuck, the other Legionnaires must be so sick of you.

See, Chuck? People like Element Lad here might take you more seriously if you walked into the room instead of bouncing off the fucking walls! Element Lad, you have one of those overpowered powers that are never used appropriately or else you'd probably end every comic book problem by page five. The power to transmute anything to anything else? I'm sure you have some limitations like not being able to transmute organic material like Firestorm or some other contrived flaw to keep you in your place. But between you and The Catalyst Kid, I can't see how you guys don't just ditch the Legionnaires and go off on your own! You turn shit into explosives and he sets them off! Every problem solved in one move! Sure, sure. You might accidentally kill a lot of hostages and innocent people. But I'm an American! I can hardly see the point in being concerned about collateral damage! Did you see the new Man of Steel movie? Superman representative of a Modern America! Just get the fucking job done and forget about who gets hurt and what gets destroyed! The bottom line is stopping the bad guy!

Shadow Lass, I know nothing about you. Although I'm beginning to think getting the right Legionnaires together would make for a fun drinking game. Shadow Lass can darken a warehouse. Then Bouncing Boy inflates and begins bouncing around the darkness. Colossal Boy grows really big and begins stomping about. Then everybody else runs around crazily trying not to get stepped on or hit by Bouncing Boy. I don't know where the drinking comes in. Maybe that happens beforehand so that everybody agrees to this stupid and dangerous game. I think everyone needs to be naked as well. For some reason. I think I was supposed to say goodbye to Shadow Lass in this paragraph but I barely even remember meeting her. And why does she wear a bikini? I'm almost positive not one male member wears a speedo. Even though that would probably be appropriate for Chameleon Boy.

Look, Legion, if you're not going to take this serious, I'm going to cut my farewells short. Harmonia? Why the fuck is that her name? Shouldn't she be Elemental Woman? Oh wait. I guess that one is taken. Well, she could be Elemental Woman Five. I've never liked Harmonia because I just feel like somebody is taking the piss when they list her abilities as "natural elemental." That doesn't make any fucking sense! It doesn't explain anything! How am I better prepared for having read that? She does have a really gorgeous dress though. And I do like her hair. Perhaps Natural Elemental is her shampoo?

While I'm trying to get all of my farewells in, some Science Officer Skank drops by to inform The Legion of Super-heroes that the Legion of Super-heroes have been cancelled disbanded. And now I know why Kevin Maguire was tapped to do the art for this issue.

Because this is his favorite expression to draw. It's called "Our Team Book Was Cancelled?" look of shocked bewilderment.

I think I've spent enough time saying goodbye to the Legionnaires. I have comic books to read that weren't huge failures! These clowns are just a bunch of unemployed losers at this point and they're bringing my mood down. There's still eight pages left to go and probably a dozen members that will make an appearance! Just get to what happened to Phantom Girl already so we can put a fucking tombstone on this sucker!

Interesting I should have decided this shit was over at Page Twelve because the Epilogues begin on Page Thirteen. There are so many fucking members and plots that Legion needs seven pages of Epilogues to close the fucking door behind them!

The first epilogue allows for Dream Girl to contemplate the last twenty-something issues and declare, "It's as if it were all a bad dream." I wonder how many fucking times she's dropped that line. Get a new schtick, Molestar! That should be her new name because of the Star shaped mole on her face. Molestar! Although she probably wouldn't be allowed within one hundred feet of schools or birthday parties.

The second epilogue drops a New 52 bombshell on all three Legion of Super-heroes fans!

Legion takes place in the future of Earth Two! Or not. I mean, it doesn't really make sense seeing that Legion Lost wound up on Earth Prime when they went back in time. Although maybe that's why Brainiac could figure out how to get them back! And Legion Lost ended up on a planet where the future was Harvest's future and not Legion's future. Except Harvest's first origin was as Captain Adym who was part of the Science Police of this Legion which means the future was this future. Oh fuck it. The only thing this proves is that DC Editors have no idea how the whole New 52 works when writing about future timelines. Y'all need some better understanding of your dimensions, fuckfucks.

I couldn't think of anything appropriate to call DC's editors so I just went with fuckfucks.

Karate Kid gets a cameo in Epilogue Three but since he's had less impact on this title than Sensor Girl, I'm not going to fucking say goodbye to him.

The final Epilogue ends with Saturn Girl having read the minds of the people in the other Epilogues and pointed out how dumb they were to ponder what might have been or what might be or what might be have been elsewhere when or what may be then but now in there over yonder in the future or who might have done that thing if that other thing had already been done. She just decides to live in the now which is all I've ever asked of this stupid group. It's about time you came to terms with time!

Legion of Super-heroes #23 Rating: +5 Ranking. It gets +5 for finally ending. Fuck me. I'm not having a go at any fans of Legion of Super-heroes in these commentaries. I think y'all understand how somebody that has never read Legion ever really probably shouldn't have been following The New 52 Reboot series! I get the allure of having a team that seems to have an infinite membership. But with so much previous history, it's hard to start them up again while taking the time needed for new readers to empathize and bond with any of them. My last and final comment on Legion is this: give me a Duplicate Damsel book!

Justice League #22

Trinity War! It's about Godfuckingdamned time! So what's the next big story that we're all supposed to wet our underwear over?

Before I get started actually talking about the beginning of The Trinity War, something just occurred to me. When I was reading Jim Shooter's bitter review of Catwoman #1, one of the things he was bitching about was Catwoman's cat carrier! He says of March's work, "He should also get ref on a cat carrier, or at least decide if the one he’s drawing opens on top or at the ends." Hey, Jim Shooter, you fucking garbage bag! MANY CAT CARRIERS OPEN FROM THE TOP AND THE END! DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!

Thank you for indulging me. That felt good! I think I can hear Scott Lobdell snickering in the distance. That Trouble Shooter must have been one real peach to work for! Not that it sounds like many head editors at Marvel or DC had an easy time keeping the lousy writers and lazy artists in line! I suppose I don't envy Shooter trying to do that job about as much as I don't envy anybody working under him. At least he was probably a better boss than Mort Weisinger!

Now that I've probably made yet another enemy in the comic book business through my absurd use of hyperbolic anger, let's find out what this Trinity War is all about!

The first thing I notice is how smooth the comic book feels. It's the same material they used for the covers of the Before Watchmen comic books. It slides nicely over my naked body and it smells like a real magazine! It also looks like Katana has her Soultaker blade back! Well fuck! Now Katana #6 is spoiled!

The issue begins with a blonde woman paying a visit to Madame Xanadu. No! Stop it, you dumb woman! She's going to look into your future and see the end of the world! Then she's going to make you pay a shitload of money to change that future. She'll hire a bunch of super heroes and tell them what they need to do to save the world. Then the heroes will run around like monkeys with their dicks cut off until Madame Xanadu says, "We did it! We changed the future!" And everyone will blink and go, "What the fuck did we do?" And Xanadu will wink and nod and say, "Yes." And everyone will look quizzically at each other and go home until the next time Madame Xanadu decides to lie about knowing how to see the future.

Madame Xanadu, you have a mental disorder.

Madame Xanadu continues to ignore the woman's problems while she tries to figure out how this Trinity War comes about. She's merely using this woman as a vehicle to see the future since the woman will also be in that future somewhere. But Xanadu doesn't give a fuck about helping the woman combat her sleep suicide problem she's having. Xanadu decides to do some Tarot to find out who causes the Trinity War. The cards read, "The Boy," and show a picture of Shazam. That's quite the Tarot Deck!

Currently that boy is wondering what to do with Black Adam's ashes. I'm simply impressed that he had the presence of mind to sweep Black Adam into an urn before he could blow away or turn into caked nastiness from rain. He's decided to fly over Khandaq and dump the ashes there. That might be a bad idea seeing as how Khandaq is full of mistrustful leaders who are looking for any excuse to blow the shit out of any other nation.

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman and Superman are on a date touring Belle Reve having a philosophical discussion about capital punishment. Superman says, "I'm not for it but I'm completely up for some corporal punishment!" And Wonder Woman says, "Tee hee!" as she grabs her fanny and runs down the halls of the prison.

Sure, you say it's a Lasso of Truth. But how do we know it's not really a Lasso of False Confessions? And how do we know it's not racist? And does it make a person tell the actual truth whether they know it or not or just what they perceive to be the truth? I don't think your little lasso is as infallible as you'd like to believe, Madam.

Madame Xanadu next turns over the Pandora card. This causes Pandora to approach Superman and Wonder Woman, asking Superman to please open her box because he has the biggest heart. Or maybe Pandora approaching Superman causes Xanadu to turn over the Pandora card. Or maybe it's purely synchronicity and one event has no causal relation to the other!

In another scene over in Washington, DC, Amanda Waller uses the word "literally" and I have to drink. See, it's this ongoing game I have. Whenever somebody says "literally," I drink. It's why I can't watch reality television shows or speak with my friend Jerry before going to work. I guess I just have to figuratively drink this morning though because I drank all of my sake while playing Call of Duty on Thursday night.

Anyway, Amanda wants to recruit Doctor Light onto the Justice League of America even though he only recently received super powers and yet he already has a costume. The costume must have just appeared when his powers did. Maybe Arthur Light just hangs around naked and uses his light powers to create his costume. Except his Light Powers in The New 52 seem to be anti-light powers! He's not a Doctor of Light at all! He's a Cancer to Light! Actually, he probably just doesn't know how to use his powers yet.

This is called "Dramatic Irony."

Madame Xanadu continues turning over cards from the strangest Tarot deck I've ever seen. The Detective?! I wonder if she has a card for every single character of the DCnU in this deck? It's probably mystically big while seeming like it only has 78 cards in it. The reason I know how many cards are in a Tarot Deck has nothing to do with the fact that I used to own the Tarot Deck with art by Dave Mckean. The reason I know the number is because it was a riddle I could never answer in the third Wizardry game, Legacy of Llylgamyn that began, "I am one of the deck of seventy eight." This was back when the internet didn't exist and we were all really stupid and pornless.

While The Atom plays around on an old chess set shaped like the Justice League when Martian Manhunter was a member, Pandora shoves her box into Superman's hands and he flips the fuck out. Apparently his heart isn't as pure as an Irish spring. Pandora takes back the box and beats the hell out of town. Superman failed the audition. Next?!

But before next which will probably be in Trinity War Part Two, the Justice League needs to stop Shazam from starting an international incident by raining human remains down upon the people of Khandaq. And the Justice League of America is heading in to Khandaq to start the international incident that the Justice League is going to stop by stopping the Justice League from starting an international incident.

Ha ha ha! Aquaman sucks!

Over in Khandaq, Superman and Shazam begin pummeling each other while Madame Xanadu, speaking to herself (or maybe John Constantine!), mentions how they all have secrets. Oh, I guess she's not speaking to Constantine then because he already knows that. He is, after all, the master of the House of Secrets. And he may end up in Khandaq with the other Justice League of the Dark members since Batman called up Zatanna before heading to Khandaq. He wanted some tips on how to fight magic people. And Constantine has probably been monitoring Zatanna's phone line since she ditched the team. So they're all probably going to meet in the middle of the Khandaqi desert to discuss what to do about the end of the world.

Well, at least the two main Justice Leagues get to meet. Although it's a pretty sketchy reason to be confronting each other. Just about everybody on the Justice League of America know this whole confrontation is bullshit and yet they're all still participating. Whatever the JLA is paying, it must be some pretty good dough. Or perhaps Martian Manhunter has psychically lowered their resistance to following stupid orders.

The Question makes his first appearance in The Trinity War. He's put up a poster of Superman and then tacked a bunch of yarn to it to help him answer the question "Who is the evil behind the evil?" I think the other questions he's asking are "Why do all of these articles I cut out only say NONONONONONONONONONONONO?" and "How did I get this photo of Superman and Wonder Woman kissing?"

And then Superman blasts Doctor Light in the face with his heat vision, killing him. At least that's what it seems! Madame Xanadu sees it and believes it was someone other than Superman. The Question believes it was The Imputer. Superman thinks it was Superman. So is he innocent or not? Hey, how about tying Supes up with the Lasso of Truth! That'll show everybody whether he's innocent or guilty! Oh wait. He thinks he's guilty! Which means he'll say he killed Doctor Light, right? Yeah, that lasso is just as reliable as a crappy ass lie detector, Wonder Jerk.

Even Plastique and the Secret Society have been fooled into believing Madame Xanadu can actually tell the future.

The next page is a really good one because Madame Xanadu blows up! Some seer she was!

Then all hell breaks loose in Khandaq because the Justice League apparently stands by Superman's decision to kill Doctor Light. Instead of Batman going, "Holy fuck, maybe we shouldn't be killing other heroes?", he decides to punch Catwoman in the throat. And instead of Superman falling to his knees and allowing himself to be taken away for killing Doctor Light, he decides he should brawl with Martian Manhunter. The only sensible one is The Atom, probably because she's worked on both teams and gotten to know everybody in the fight. Or it could be that none of them noticed her because she's super tiny! And she might not really care about stopping the fight or she would, you know, grow bigger and say, "Knock it off, you assholes!"

Wait. She can grow bigger, right? She just wears a magic belt that makes her small. Right?

And because the media are really, really good at their jobs in comics and they actually have people out in the field reporting on actual events and digging up stories instead of just sitting in air conditioned rooms waiting for a press release, they're already airing reports about the death of Doctor Light at the hands of Superman! Holy shit, comic book reporters are fucking brilliant! Lois Lane must be a master if she's competing against this kind of speed and accuracy! Unless, you know, the reports in the comic book are from Lois Lane. That probably makes the most sense.

The man behind it all! He's better at planning convoluted and intricate plots than Harvest ever was!

Did the Purple People Leader program Doctor Light's head to explode when he got near Superman? Did he use the light coin on Doctor Light? And did he use Pandora's Box to program a red light to shoot out of Superman's forehead when Doctor Light's Light Ray went off? Because the Purple People Leader does worship, in some way, Pandora's box. I'm not sure how he manipulated Amanda Waller to get Doctor Light on the team but that was probably the easiest part of the plan. Oh! Also, the Superman Chess Piece was missing so that probably means something too. Like maybe this Superman isn't really Superman but a Superman Simulacrum which is why his heart wasn't pure enough to open Pandora's box! No, no. That's getting too convoluted even for a comic book!

Justice League #22 Rating: No change. Poor fucking Doctor Light. He gets one lousy issue! One lousy issue! I suppose even though this is a whole new universe and the Reboot changed everything, he still couldn't get the taint of diddling little children out of his costume. And he just hadn't been punished enough! Also, Madame Xanadu probably isn't dead. I'm going to say there is a 35% chance that she's not dead at all and a 64% chance that she's mostly not dead and a 1% chance that she can actually see the future.