Friday, December 14, 2012

Red Lanterns #14

SRSLY. Why can't the 3rd Army of Borg Lanterns look this good in Green Lantern. They're fucking joke pumpkin clown monsters in that one.

Last issue Atrocitus learned about the Borg Lanterns and then immediately realized how to defeat them because he is the baddest mother fucker in the DCnU. In that same time, he trained Kyle Rayner to be an asshole and I think he fucked Carol Ferris in the mouth. That's okay because she fucked him all over his face in reciprocation. No inappropriate unwanted touching in the DCnU! Besides, we all know that Hal Jordan isn't a real man. And by that I mean he's not a real man. He has no genitals. Have you seen him in his skin tight costume? There's nothing fucking there!

Hmm, by that logic, no guy in the DCnU is actually a guy. Do any of them have noticeable genitals through there clothing? This reminds me of a quote by Richard F. Burton, the explorer/adventurer/translator, not the guy married to that famous lady. The one with the perfume and the attitude. Okay, here's the quote:
In the East, where Common Sense, not Fashion, rules dress, men, who have a protuberance to be concealed, wear petticoats and women wear trousers.
Richard F. Burton was a genius at observation, was he not? If you want to learn more because knowing is half the battle (the other half of the battle is kissing and hugging), you should follow my other Tumblr: The Grand Afterlife of Richard F Burton.

As this issue commences (look at me getting fancy!), The Red Lanterns are still fighting the stupid as all get out Borg Lanterns. I thought Atrocitus's knowledge on how to kill the Borg Lanterns was a mystery but apparently it was just me being dense.

Oh, the eye thing. Yeah, I knew that!

Why is Rankorr being such a pussified Red Lantern? Shouldn't he be all angsty and fucking upset? No, no. Forget I asked that. I know exactly why he somehow maintains this veneer of empathy: he was a Literature Major in college. I get it. I've got the same fucking degree. I'd probably be a huge whiny Red Lantern as well. "Oh no! I can't HURT another living CREATURE!? The universe is so oppressive! The only hope is to escape from it! Keep moving west! Throw the water heater through the window and run across the green grass where you watched the dog get hit by the truck on the road beyond! Keep crashing your bomber and insist that everyone fly with you because you're practicing your escape plan! Fight against the system's inflexible racism and class structure by running from the law and being wherever babies cry and men are fighting for a decent wage and women are crushed under the weight of the patriarchal system! But don't turn into the thing they want you to be! And don't turn into the thing they don't want you to be! Escaping the fucking system is the only way to keep your sanity and retain who you really are!"

So yeah. I'd suck as a Red Lantern. Which is why I totally get where Rankorr is coming from!

Well if you put it that way! Fuck the fucking liars! Right in their fucking eyes!

I say "fuck" a lot in this blog, don't I? It doesn't fucking bother me. Words are words. The only reason one word offends the sensibilities is because the person offended has bought into an arbitrary system that doesn't mean shit. If I say "cunt" in front of your four year old, it doesn't fucking do anything. Although if you yell at me and scream, "How dare you say that word in front of my child?", guess what? Now your daughter knows "cunt" is a forbidden word! You would have done well to just ignore it, dipshit.

I only use that example because I did say "cunt" multiple times in front of a small boy of about five or six when I was at the post office a few years ago. The mother behind me let her boy walk around me and touch my legs while I was at the counter having a package delivered. So I just looked down at him and began whispering, "Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt." The mother quickly reined in her child and got him out of my personal space. She didn't freak out at me because she was probably an intelligent person realizing she should have never let her kid wander freely into my space like that. If she wanted him to hang out with me, he was going to learn some of my values! And swearing don't mean shit to me!

Another time at the Seattle Zoo, I was sitting at a bench talking with some friends when someone's kid wandered up and touched my leg. I began screaming like I was mentally disabled. The child smiled and laughed but the mother quickly ran over and grabbed her kid, pulling him away from me while mumbling something under her breath. I can pretend she was saying, "Sorry," but she was probably saying, "Stop screaming, you stupid wanking shitheel."

You know what I resent most about being born? The fact that everyone expects you to line up and act appropriately in this supposedly "social" environment. People bitch about being oppressed but the majority of people still think you should suck it up and act "correctly" in this society. Fuck you, asshole! I didn't ask to be born into this set of arbitrary rules! Don't expect me to get good grades (unless I want to or it comes easy to me), go to college (at least not for your reasons of finding a career!), get married (who needs the government or religion to sanctify my relationship?), have kids (who fucking needs the ankle-biting, nose-mining rugrats?), and work my ass off for forty years simply to not "rock the fucking boat filled with cunts"!

You know, on second thought, maybe I would make a good Red Lantern!

The Red Lanterns are the first group of Lanterns to be successful against the Borg Lanterns. Their lava vomit burns away the eyes of the creatures and destroys them. Bleez, Atrocitus, and Rankorr gather up a dead Borg Lantern to dissect later and head back to Sector 666.

Back on Ysmault, Atrocitus realizes the first order of business is to strengthen their newly created Red Lantern Battery. To do this, he sends everyone out on missions to gather up the blood of the universe's most guilty assholes. He also sends Rankorr to Earth to finally kill the motherfucker that killed his grandfather and made him angry enough to become a Red Lantern. Bleez is told to accompany him. One other Red Lantern wants to go to Earth as well.

Is this really becoming a rivalry? Dex Starr versus Midnighter? Fuck you, Peter Milligan! Don't make me tell you I love you!

Dex Starr follows Rankorr and Bleez to Earth but he takes a detour into Hyperspace as they get closer. I'm so happy that Peter Milligan is writing both Red Lanterns and Stormwatch right now. I hope the next time Dex Starr appears, it takes up a full issue of Stormwatch as the cat fights the bad-ass!

Rankorr and Bleez finally arrive at Earth but it seems much different to Rankorr as a Red Lantern.

Anyone who never left their home town to live somewhere else has no idea how weird it is to return to the place you grew up. I always listen to this song whenever I end up back in Santa Clara.

Interlude: I know a lot of people who read my blog don't read the entire thing. They read about the comic books they're interested in and skip the rest. As a writer, I'm a bit disappointed that people don't read every fucking word I put down. This isn't a review. This is barely commentary on Red Lanterns. This is a fucking memoir exposed in scattered moments set in the backdrop of DC's New 52. Some of my most interesting stuff is in comic book commentary on things like Voodoo or Legion Lost that I know nobody is reading. But what can I do? Writing is kind of an end to itself. It doesn't really matter how large the audience is. As long as I keep writing, I'm happy and satisfied.

But it's still a little disappointing knowing that not many people will read these words.

Rankorr isn't the only Red Lantern to go home. Atrocitus heads back to Ryutt in search of the broken down machines known as the Manhunters. He hopes their inorganic bodies can help defeat the Third Army. But when he gets there, his home city seems to return from the past. Skyscrapers. Citizens. And, most of all, Manhunters destroying it all. He's either hallucinating or he's slipped into the past to watch the devastation all over again.

Look on the bright side: if this is real, you've got your Manhunter army!

Red Lanterns #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. What more can I say? Atrocitus's return to his homeworld made me tear up. I'm such a wussy English Lit Major.


  1. Ha ha, Brother I hear you on a lot of your points:)

    1). The cussing thing. I like to cuss/swear. whatever, and a lot! I know it's bad when it slips into my skits, but then I rationalize it by saying, if we're to treat/or believe these superheroes are real people, then they'd cuss/swear like real people when pissed off or frustrated. That's just how I see it. I just make sure not to make every other word a "shit", "damn", or "fuck." That really would be lazy and cussing just to cuss.

    Now I do try not to cuss in front of little kids. After all cussing's my bag not theirs, and I have to try and look at it from a parent's perspective. But trust me with all that being said, I hate, absolutely hate having to censor myself, especially when it comes to cussing. Yes there's a time and place for everything, but if it's not really seriously hurting someone, fuck it, let it me do my thing.

    2). I hear you so hard on the issue of people not reading your entire blog/skipping through it, that my ears bleed;)
    I sometimes feel the same way about not being appreciated for what I write. Yet really, aren't we really supposed to write to entertain ourselves? Because we do or create the types of blogs or things we ourselves want to see/read, but no one else does it quite like us?
    But we carry on because we want to, and deep down(maybe not that deep) we also want an audience to hear us and validate our opinions. It's not an easy thing to admit, but it's the truth, or at least it is for me;)

    3).Going home again, after moving away. Yep, Done it, and no, it really isn't the same as how you left it. The place maybe the same, but your mentality and frame of mind prior to leaving isn't. Thus the immortal phrase, "You can never truly go home again."

    4). Funny, but truthful observation about the lack of man-junks showing down there on our heroic guys and gals. I probably never really put that much though into it, but yeah they really do kinda' look like ken dolls/unics down there huh?
    I figured that was just how it is in comics, and not one wants to get anatomically-correct in that region since kids, or some other reason exists for that.

    You didn't skip through any of that rambling did you?;)

    Ha ha, enjoying your commentary as always buddy.

    1. Thanks for reading but mostly thanks for commenting. I tend to censor myself in certain situations as well. No big deal.

      And the lack of genitals on super heroes never really bothers me until it does. Every shot of Booster Gold in Justice League International was just a stark reminder that he had no penis. Every muscle was etched into his suit. Every crevice showed. But nothing down there! Not a bump or a crease or a camel toe. Must be something from the future.

  2. Ha ha, must be:) Seriously though, I stand by my argument that the lack of defined genitals is due to the publisher's discretion about not showing genitalia. It's probably a no-no, so that's why a hero's fire hose, or heroine's camel toe isn't proudly pronounced.